Oprah Winfrey

Oprah is an insanely rich and powerful American talk show host who enjoys giving away cars as if they were lollipops. She is most famous for acknowledging Stephen Colbert and his contribution of truthiness to the English language on her hour-long show.

Oprah’s Holy Beginnings'
Oprah was abandoned at birth, stuffed in a basket with a packet of nabs and a RC Cola on the “Bedtime for Bonzo” set. Starving and having almost eaten off a foot, she was stumbled over by the Gipper himself, who’s heart bled compassion for the chunky urchin. Upon consulting Nancy who consulted Jean Dixion, who consulted Nostradamus, it was decided that the Regans should take her in as a sister for their son Ron, in hopes she would be a distraction to his Easy Bake Oven, Ken doll collection, and ballet. As Ron began to look less and less promising, Oprah received more and more grooming. Absorbing everything through the trickle down effect, Oprah believed that like her brother Ron she was white, talented, and charismatic. The effect has remained to this day.

A Power to be Reckoned With
Many people believe that Oprah can do no wrong which puts her in competition with the Baby Jesus and Stephen Colbert. The Baby Jesus and Stephen have decided to turn a blind eye to her antics because of Oprah's power to get people to purchase very expensive, useless, gifts from her Christmas show. Her wisdom in acknowledging Stephen Colbert and his contribution of truthiness to the English language on her hour-long show has also allowed her to stay in his good graces.

Her ability to give out cars like cough drops, canvas bags filled with hundreds of dollars worth of merchandise made in China, and make nobodies into overnight successes suggests she has some connection with Hogwarts. This is also evidenced by her way of getting people to tell their business to everyone on national t.v. One of her most popular shows was when she exorcised a demon from Tom Cruise in front of her studio audience. Even Stephen was impressed.

It has been rumored that she is allied with the bears. It has been shown that since her show aired, the number of bears increased ten fold. Also when implementing the bible code in Oprah's books there is a mention of the Bear uprising of 2012

Chasing the Illusion
It is difficult for anyone to actually “see” Oprah. Her power to expand or contract at will is well known. Many have tried to see her in person but the intricate maze of directives required to get tickets to her show are too confusing for the average American. This has required the American public to settle with only images of her. To help feed the public’s insatiable demand for “all things Oprah”, Oprah images are offered daily on “O”, “Oh”, “Oprah”, “Oprah After the Show” and Bazooka Joe bubble gum wrappers.

A Superhero
Oprah is a super hero in every sense of the word. Many depressed, alcoholic, stay at home types who may have been a drain on our society have been transformed by her 4:00 show. Without a degree in education, public health, music, social work, counseling, psychology, sociology, history, law, home ec, bricklaying, or other qualifications, Oprah has advised millions on how to get off their ass and do something. God Save the Queen.

Her Kingdom
She rules all African American authors by naming their books for them.

She pwned Russell Simmons by naming his book "Do You!" which sounds very suggestive.

==The Two Greatest Universes Ever Collide!

Quote from the Colbert Report on Oprah==

SC: On Oprah's show they did it right. One of her guests was asked about truthiness, and here's what he said. [clip shows a man saying truthiness was coined by Stephen]

SC: Now that guy, I don't know who he was, he gave me the credit I was due! And, uh, something else there... [clip rolls again]

SC: Right there! Off camera, Oprah says "Yeah"! Play that back, and this time, let's isolate Oprah! [slow motion version of the clip plays, where Oprah says...]

SC: Yeah! I think she might have even said, "Hell, yeah." But regardless, that is proof positive that Oprah Winfrey knows who I am! This, ladies and gentlemen, should be the headline on tomorrow's New York Times! Oprah, on existence of Stephen Colbert: Yeah.



Oprah factoids

 * Her hypnotic mastery of the air-waves has amassed her great amounts of wealth.
 * She was once stalked by David Letterman
 * She has a holding cell for Stedman and other men who serve as her arm candy
 * She has taken more girls from their African families than Angelina Jolie
 * Oprah mud wrestles against Martha Stewart and wins
 * Oprah does not like Rosie O’Donnell who is a loud and brings negative attention