Adolf Hitler





The Early Years
Adolf Hitler, born John Wilkes Booth Kennedy in 1889, was the child of two liberal, gay men. His childhood consisted mostly of eating at In-N-Out Burgers while his parents were at work. Adolf was a latchkey kid. This would help explain why later Hitler had extreme cravings for peanut butter, celery sticks, and watching little boys play hop-scotch.

The Furor over Der Führer
Adolf quickly rose through the ranks to become the leader of the Nazis in 1933. They called him the "Führer". As the Führer, his first act was to eradicate all the Jews - including, but not limited to Jon Stewart, Lewis Black, and all of The Three Stooges. He did not succeed, thanks to the valiant efforts of America. Gondor helped too.

Children
The Führer has only one known male child who was later sexually altered and is now known as Ann Coulter.

Grandchildren
Ted Hitler is in no way related to Ann Coulter. Don't ask how this is possible, but it is most certainly true.

Religious Beliefs

 * Hitler was a Satanist as well as a member of the homosexual religion.
 * Hitler was an atheist of the Darwinist Church. We know this is true because no Christian would ever commit violence against Jews, the prototype Christians.

Death
The Führer was killed by American soldiers when they captured Berlin, where he lived, in 1945. He probably begged like a little girl and cried at the might of the Bald Eagle that is America! Stephen Colbert also helped kill Hitler, with his punches of justice!

Connection to George W. Bush
None. Adolf Hitler had a 99% approval rating, and in order to show his firm non-Hitler-ness George W. Bush has intentionally lowered his own approval rating to the low 30s. The further Bush's approval rating falls, the more he proves to us he is not Hitler but most importantly we're not Nazis.

The Germans liked to call Hitler 'Dubya' too, and it's assumed that the cowboy hats and tight leather pants were NOT the birth to gaylasmofascism.