School/Featured



Although some may wish that school is not in fact necessary, it is more than necessary for us to succeed in this cruel capitalistic society that we live in. It also prepares us to drink alcohol and have sex all night long, neither of which are beneficial to America's success as a nation.

School in America
Although many Americans believe that it is our right to education, in fact it is just the government's way of making everyone feel that they are important while they turn us into their way of feeding their capitalistic goals and endeavours. Therefore in our wikiality one would be able to make a conjecture saying that students are really the government's slaves, making capital to increase our GDP so that the dollar will once again reign as the supreme currency of the world.

American schools most often consist of a whole day of doing arts and crafts (Grades K-6), six period days (Grades 7-8), or seven period days (Grades 9-the rest of your life depending on how stupid you are). Children begin by loving school because it is a place where they can turn their meaningless existence into something a little bit more meaningful. They also enjoy playing in the playgrounds because they are guaranteed to be bear free. Eventually this fear of bears leaves the young American's mind and is replaced by a hate of the school that they attend. Children will go through any manner of means so that they can ditch their classes and go do some drugs on the bike trail or surf their favorite tubes.

Preschool (Drooling Babies Only)
Preschool can be thought of the precursor of American life. It teaches us the necessary skills to succeed in our capitalistic lives, including writing, speaking, and buying and selling shares on the stock exchange. Preschool also includes everyone's childhood favorite, nap time.

Children that do not behave are fed to bears.

Kindergarten (Talking Babies Only)
In addition to further teachings of the basic premises we have learned in preschool, the fundamentals of art are added into the mix in the form fingerpainting, and various other arts and crafts. We also begin wide spread social interaction (the base of politics) due to the fact that we are now beginning to master how to write and speak.

Second only to Mos Eisley Spaceport as the largest hive of scum and villainy in the galaxy, kindergartens are very dangerous. Police are often used as kindergarten teachers to enforce the rules in secret kindergarten fight clubs, and to stop the flow of cocaine and illegal immigrants through kindergartens everywhere.

Elementary School (Grades 1-6)
Elementary School is focused on allowing us to show off the basics that we have learned in the past two years of schooling as well as introducing us to the concepts of mathematics, literature, science, and history. These six years of our lives are focused on making our children less stupid so that we can stand being around them. Demographers have shown that intelligent children are more likely to survive because they are less likely to do stupid things that may kill them.

This is also when America's children are also tainted with notions of sex. Unfortunately democratic presidents through out our history have mandated "sex-ed" for elementary school kids. This is one of the leading causes of teen-pregnancy. Sex-ed simply builds up the teenage notion that sex is fun. However very few people realize that everytime that having sex does not result in a human child, a bear is conjured in the back woods of Colorado. This is one of the many reasons why the Catholic Church does not believe in the use of condoms or any other contraceptives.



Middle School (Grades 7-8)
Middle School focuses on further developing the three basic skills (art, speaking, writing) along with the four fundamental concepts of elementary school. However now the confusion of having to change between classes and not necessarily being in classes with other children that you know is thrown into the mix. On top of that the teachers begin to seperate the smart children from the stupid children by way of having several different levels of mathematics which include basic mathematics, pre-algebra, and elementary algebra. This creates the basis of social classes and creates the necessary turmoil that enables America's voting system to work.

Supposedly Middle School's across America have been used as Neo-Nazi training camps and as training grounds for future KKK members (see photo at left).

High School (Grades 9-12)
High School further seperates the smart from the stupid. Teachers have developed the wonder of Honors and Advanced Placement (more frequently known as AP classes) to make this seperation. Honors and AP classes are notorious for their much more difficult subject matter as well as the speed at which the content of the class is covered. This creates a very large rift between the smart and the stupid, which is a rift that lasts through the rest of life.

Often when the parents of High School students are on vacation in places such as Lake Tahoe (also known as bear country, just where we like parents to be) children throw parties. These are not the nice little pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey parties that use to take place earlier on in our lives, instead these are where Americans first dabble in drugs and alcohol, both of which are the bane of upstanding America.

High School is also the point at which every American is forced to take an IQ test. If your IQ is less than 100, then you are killed and turned into Soylent Green.

College (Smart People Only)
No education actually takes place here. It is all about the booze, sex, and drugs.

School outside of America
America is the only nation that does actually have a need for schools, because no other countries in the world care about spreading capitalism as much as Republicans in America do. However there are rumours on the series of tubes about there being underground schools in Europe that are run by the mafia. The only conclusion we can make about why these schools exist is so that there will be a continuous supply of mobsters in Italy. However there are a few very rare schools, most of them consist of tents, and are also used as housing for the poor.

School in Nature
The only schools that can be found in nature are bear schools, thus providing us with even more reason to fear them. Fish schools don't count because they can't remember anything and are eaten by bears anyway.

Home Schooling in America
Please see: Religious Education