Holy Bible



The Holy Bible AKA "The Good Book" or "America's Book" is the Christian's guide to life, the universe and everything. It consists of thousands and thousands of very thin pages, useful for making spliffs.. It contains the tale of Jesus and tells of how God gave George Washington The United States Constitution while he single-handedly battled the evil British Empire. The latter story was adapted to film and is now known as Star Wars.

It contains The Word of God and is 100% truthiness. Everything in the Bible is meant to be taken literally. It is a historical document. The Bible may not be eaten, except by bears, which are - as stated in the Gospel of Stephen - godless killing machines. The Bible also prophesies that World War III will destroy the Middle East, and then Jesus will come on a cloud of glory and Rapture up all of the true believers who support The Greatest President EVER!.

The Books
Written by Jesus, The Bible has a "Jew Testament" and a "New and Improved Testament". Each "Testament" is divided into "Books"; each "Book" into "Verses". The really truthy "Verses" are inked in the still red blood of Christ our lord and savior. This allows them to be read alone and with out regard for the other, less truthy, material. Also, its widely known that Christ’s blood is the one blood bears are not thirsty for. (This was used by Grizzly Adams to harness the power of these Godless Killing Machines until he was torn to shreds in an incedent involving one of those fake The Bibles with a hole in it to stash money.(Or a rock hammer if you are in Shawshank State Prison.))(Note: Grizzly Adams also proved bears will eat right through wads of hundred-dollar bills; even the rich aren't safe!)

ELI
It also say theres a man named eli(who is the sexiest asian ever). He read the bible often and has come to the conclusion that Bill Clinton is the anti-christ. Some of you may disagree but eli dosent really care. Eli also say that Bill Clinton will team up with George W. Bush senior and make a gaint super president and go to conventions in new orleans and tell jokes. Well back to eli. Eli is an awesome person and you should send him money and emails(asumo2b@gmail.com) if you want to here more of the heroic tales og how he beat up the giant robot woman. Because Stephen Colbert is not a Jew this article will not cover the "Jew Testament". Here is a list of the "Books" in the "New and Improved Testament":

The Gospels

 * Matthew
 * Mark
 * Luke
 * John
 * Paul
 * George
 * Ringo
 * Elvis
 * Stephen
 * Santa Claus

The History

 * Acts

Apocalypse

 * All You Need To Know

Bible Trivia

 * It has been said that Stephen Colbert made the Bible, but this is not quite the case. The Bible was made for him by God. Close, though.
 * The first draft of the Bible was called the Dead Sea Scrolls.
 * The second draft was the Torah.
 * The third draft was the Qur'an.
 * The fourth draft was the Book of Mormon.
 * The fifth draft was the King James Bible.
 * The sixth draft was the Gideon Bible.
 * The seventh draft was the Book of the Dead.
 * The eighth draft was the Book of Merlin.
 * The ninth draft was the Lord of the Rings.
 * The tenth draft was the Vedas.
 * The eleventh draft was the the Presidential Oath of Office.
 * The twelfth draft was the The United States Constitution.
 * The thirteenth and final draft was the perfected, complete Bible, every word of which is unquestionably true, infallible and perfect.
 * The fourteenth edition should be available sometime in the year 2010. If you preorder now you can get a copy signed by Jesus!