Bill O'Reilly

THE SMEAR STOPS HERE!

Bill O'Reilly is the teacher, mentor, and educator of America's hero Stephen Colbert. The bond is much like Plato and Socrates but they died 6,000 years ago. Stephen owes his whole life to O'Reilly and O'Reilly would be happy to give it up for him. But not in a gay way.

Formerly the host of tabloid TV show Inside Edition he currently has the best primetime show on the Fox News Channel weeknights. Stephen refers to him as Papa Bear. He is 100% heterosexual and is definitely not a sexual deviant like Commie pinko.

The Colbert Report is a spin-off of "The O'Reilly Factor", which does not mean that it is a lesser show...quite the opposite. While Stephen may sit at the feet of the master, our guts tell us that the Report is a superior show, in most (if not all) ways of comparing the two.

The O'Reilly Factor is perhaps the only balanced, fair, and unbiased news show on television. At times, O'Reilly is slightly liberal in his news coverage, but for the most part remains impartial.

What Bill Would Like To Do To America
Well, if I took you down there then I'd want to take a shower with you right away, that would be the first thing I'd do...yeah, we'd check into the room, and we would order up some room service and you'd get two glasses of wine into you as quickly as I could get them into you...maybe intravenously... You would basically be in the shower and then I would come in and I'd join you and you would have your back toward me and I would take that little loofah thing and kinda soap up your back... rub it all over you, get you to relax, hot water... and um... you know, you'd feel the tension drain out of you and uh you would still be with your back toward me, then I would kinda put my arm, in one of those mitts, those loofah mitts you know, so I got my hands in it... and I would put it around front, kinda rub your tummy a little bit with it, and then with my other hand I would start to massage your boobs, get your nipples really hard... 'cuz I like that and you have really spectacular boobs...  So anyway I'd be rubbing your big boobs and getting your nipples really hard, kinda kissing your neck from behind... and then I would take the other hand with the falafel thing and I'd put it on your p*ssy but you'd have to do it really light, just kind of a tease business.

The Pundit Exchange Program


On January 18, 2007, Stephen and Papa Bear participated in each other's programs. O'Reilly visited The Report and experienced their famous hospitality and world-renowned balls. Stephen visited The Factor and took part in their customs, such as consuming Donahue flesh. Stephen also stole the microwave oven from FOX's greenroom.

Stephen was nipping out in excitement for the week leading up to the Exchange. Ping, Ping!

While O'Reilly claims that Stephen "blew [him] right away", Dr. Colbert protests that this is not true and the two dined and exchanged pleasantries beforehand.

To get in O'Reilly's good graces, Stephen, ever the professional, complimented him on how loudly he talks and for the length of time he speaks when doing it loudly.

O'Reilly Factoid

 * Bill O'Reilly was Pope Pious XIII.
 * Bill O'Reilly won the 2008 Nobel Prize for Economics by way of the transitive properties of Nobel Prizes for Paul Krugman.
 * Papa Bear is a godlike killing machine, liberating the world from the liberal, ivy-league media elite and their front politicians known as democrats. He should not be confused with bears, or be mistaken as a member of the Bear Conspiracy.
 * Stephen Colbert refers to Bill O'Reilly as "Papa Bear" and "The Master" because he is his mentor and idol.
 * During the Cold War Bill O'Reilly was dropped behind the Soviet border and held Mr. Gorbechev Hostage until he complied with President Regan's Request to Tear Down The Berlin Wall.
 * Bill O'Reilly once strangled a bear to death with his thighs.
 * Bill O'Reilly's mentioned in a super-steamy slash fanfic on colbertnation.com.
 * Bill O'Reilly hates MSNBC's Keith Olbermann and it is illegal to mention Olbermann's name on O'Reilly's show.
 * Bill O'Reilly will send FOX security to pay a little visit to anyone who offends him
 * Bill O'Reilly owes his job to the Great Stephen.
 * Bill O'Reilly could destroy Canada if he wanted to. But not Manitoba. Only Stephen could destroy Manitoba.
 * Bill O'Reilly would not destroy Alberta, either. "Alberta" is simply the Canadian language's word for "Texas" — which is The Greatest Place On Earth.
 * Bill O'Reilly caused the Great Potato Famine by eating three hundred tons of Freedom Fries.
 * Received the congressional medal of freedom for single handedly winning the War On Christmas
 * Bill O'Reilly calls Stephen "this guy Colbert." This is how O'Reilly shows respect for him.
 * Bill O'Reilly is so convinced that Stephen is "French" that the Fox News.com homepage spells it "Stephan" Colbert.
 * Bill O'Reilly barely tolerated Stephen on his show, which is a lot more than most of his guests. Stephen was honored.
 * Was once molested by female co-worker, then accused of sexual harassment, like Colbert himself.
 * Has a wang the size of... I well I don't know what it's the size of exactly.
 * O'Reilly is incredibly independent and fair minded which is why he always sides with the Bush administration. Until recently he was a registered Republican, but reportedly did that just to throw off liberals and make them think he was biased.
 * The excess skin between his chin and neck functions similarly to that of the Pelican and can be used to store food for consumption during commercial breaks.
 * Bill O'Reilly is known to show his manliness by attempting to pick fist fights at Presidential rallies
 * Bills voice is never noise pollution and if a police officer tells you it is then he is a pig
 * Finally puts ivory tower democrats in their place.
 * helll of a guy

The Factor For Kids
One of the ways Papa Bear shows his patriotism is by thinking about the kids.

Books

 * Culture Warrior
 * Who's Looking Out For You!
 * The O'Reilly Factor for Kids: A Survival Guide for America's Families
 * The O'Reilly Factor: The Good, the Bad, and the Completely Ridiculous in American Life
 * The No-Spin Zone: Confrontations with the Powerful and Famous in America
 * Those Who Trespass: A Novel of Television and Murder
 * Kids Are Americans Too
 * The Joy of Falafel

Tube Buzz

 * Wikipedia's shrine to Papa Bear
 * Let Bill liberate your desktop
 * Let Bill protect your desktop - safe and lubricated
 * O'Reilly Says Heroes are Dunderheads