Satan

Satan is the ruler of Hell. He is a flaming homosexual. He is also the ex-roomate of Saddam Hussein. People have claimed their relationship was gay, but obviously a man like Saddam with such a manly, manly, manly man man mustache, cannot be gay.

The Early Years
Back when God made America as well as apple pie, 5,000 years ago, he also made his angels. Satan was one of them. Satan became the first liberal after smoking marijuana. He then tried to fight God and kill Baby Jesus. The documentary "Reefer Madness" was loosely based on this incident.

Satan's Stance on Drugs
Satan then went on to harder drugs as well as tainted meats which lead to his inevitable meeting with Keith Richards (it may have initially been the hunger) and their subsequent collaboration on a Rolling Stones song. Pleased to meet you, hope you'd guess my name. He then went on to take human form and is currently attempting to undermine the United States of America in the guise of a linguist, whatever the hell that is.

Who Satan Is/Is Not
Satan is a man of wealth and taste. He was around when Jesus Christ had his moment of doubt and pain, and made damn sure that Pilate washed his hands to seal his fate. He stuck around St. Petersburg when he saw it was a time for a change, and therefore killed the Czar and his ministers while Anastasia screamed in vain. He rode a tank, and held a general's rank when the blitzkrieg raged and the fighters stank. Satan also watched with glee while the kings and queens fought for ten decades for the gods they made. He shouted out "Who killed the Kennedys?" When after all it was you and me. He laid traps for troubadours, who get killed before they reached Bombay. He thinks that every cop is a criminal and all the sinners' saints, and just as heads is tails you can call him Lucifer cause he is in need of some restraint. If you are to meet him show him some sympathy, some courtesy and some taste, use your well learned politesse or he'll lay your soul to waste. I hope you guess his name, but what is troubling you is the nature of his game.

Satan's Handmaidens

 * Nancy Pelosi
 * Helen Thomas
 * Helen Keller