Holy Bible



The Holy Bible AKA "The Good Book" or "America's Book" is the Christian's guide to life, the universe and everything. It consists of thousands and thousands of very thin pages, useful for making spliffs.. It contains the tale of Jesus and tells of how God gave George Washington the American Constitution while he single-handedly battled the evil British Empire. The latter story was adapted to film and is now known as Star Wars.

It contains The Wørd of God and is 100% truthiness. Everything in the Bible is meant to be taken literally. It is a historical document. The Bible may not be eaten, except by bears, which are - as stated in the Gospel of Stephen - godless killing machines. The Bible also prophesies that World War III will destroy the Middle East, and then Jesus will come on a cloud of glory and Rapture up all of the true believers who support President George W. Bush.

The Books
The Bible has a "Jew Testament" and the "New and Improved Testament". Each "Testament" is divided into "Books"; each "Book" into "Verses".

Because Stephen Colbert is not a Jew this article will not cover the "Jew Testament". Here is a list of the "Books" in the "New and Improved Testament":

The Gospels

 * 1) Matthew
 * 2) Mark
 * 3) Luke
 * 4) John
 * 5) Paul
 * 6) George
 * 7) Ringo
 * 8) Elvis

The History

 * 1) Acts

The Spam

 * 1) Romans
 * 2) I Colbertians
 * 3) II Colbertians
 * 4) Abraxxians
 * 5) Hawaiians
 * 6) Filipinos
 * 7) Corinthians
 * 8) I Thespians
 * 9) II Thespians
 * 10) I Tek
 * 11) II Tek
 * 12) Cletus
 * 13) POTUS
 * 14) Nathan
 * 15) Jansen
 * 16) Spock
 * 17) I Peter
 * 18) II Peter
 * 19) I Charlene
 * 20) II Charlene
 * 21) III Charlene
 * 22) Hey Jude

Apocalypse

 * 1) All You Need To Know

Bible Trivia

 * It has been said that Stephen Colbert made the Bible, but this is not quite the case. The Bible was made for him by God. Close, though.
 * The first draft of the Bible was called the Red Sea Scrolls. The second draft was the Torah. The third draft was the Qur'an. The fourth draft was the Book of Mormon. The fifth draft was the King James Bible. The sixth draft was the Gideon Bible. The seventh draft was the Book of the Dead. The eighth draft was the Book of Merlin. The ninth draft was the Lord of the Rings. The tenth draft was the Vedas. The eleventh draft was the the Presidential Oath of Office. The twelfth draft was the The United States Constitution. The thirteenth and final draft was the perfected, complete Bible, every word is which is unquestionably true.