Jew

Jews share a common tradition with Christians in that they follow the Old Testament. Since the Bible is the complete Word of God and is composed of the Old and New Testament this means Jews are half right. Unfortunately, as close as Jews are to salvation, close only counts in horseshoes and hand-grenades. Jews are therefore going to hell along with heretics, otherwise known as Protestants, Gays, liberals, terrorists and anyone else who doesn't follow the teachings of the The One Holy Universal and Apostolic Church of Rome.

The Jews killed Jesus Christ. Mel Gibson was right. They hired the Romans to nail him up on that Cross and everything. Now, some people are pissed at them for that, and Jesus has his smiting hand all set for them come Judgment Day. But, Jesus' Dad asked everyone not to murder them. Don't ask why (What part of Ineffable Plan do you not understand?) just know that sparing the life of a Jew now will save good every Christian. Which means you gotta be thankful for the murder of the the One True Lord, weird as it seems. Please note, while the Jews are guilty of killing Jesus despite not being the ones who nailed him to the cross, not everyone who gives orders to torture are as guilty as they are. Plus, crucifixion and waterboarding are not torture.

Jews might be going to hell, but not until they serve their purpose here on Amercia's Planet as they are of vital interest to America because they run the State of Israel which is America's most important ally in the world. Dr. Stephen Colbert is the "Greatest Friend that the State of Israel Ever Had." This is in spite of the fact that the Israelis can't seem to get there act together and rebuild the Temple of Solomon so we could have the Apocalypse already.

Israel
See main article: Israel

Is a worthless spit of land in the Middle East. Jesus was born there. Jews are convinced that God promised it to them, so a bunch of them moved their to start a country, where they could hide from God's love and the great friendship of the German people for Jews. This pissed off the Muslims, who insist that Allah promised it to them because Muhammad took a ride on a flying horse from Jerusalem. They also lived their when the Jews showed up.

Of course, they're both nuts, because God promised all good Christians that he'd start the end of the world there.

Israel became a country in 1948 after the British made the mistake of nation building. It's basically been at war ever since.

Israel kicks alot of terrorist ass. It also has nucular weapons. Shh, don't tell. That's supposed to be a secret.

Israel is like America's kid brother. It gets into alot of fights and we're constantly trying to get them out. But then Israel learned alot from its big brother so it kicks alot of ass, too.

All The Meshugenah You Ever Wanted To Know About Hebrew Before You Plotz
See main article: Hebrew

Kosherness
See main article: Kosherness

Many Jews follow weird eating laws. They don't eat milk with meat, or eat any pork, or any shellfish. Which means they can't have a bacon cheeseburger, which makes you almost feel sorry they've gotta go to hell, cause a life without a bacon cheeseburger is hell on earth.

The Jews call this keeping Kosher, a word they picked up on their long sojourn in the land of Hollywood from the Film People, also known as the Sodomites. It originaly meant, "making us enough money" in the language of the Sodomites which was spoken in Hollywood at the time. As in, "This contract ain't Kosher."

The Jews therefore eat alot of weird stuff that always seems to be served on rye bread with a pickle. For some reason, probably because they feel guilty for being Jews, they punish themselves by eating cold soup, brisket that isn't even barbecued and a mush made out of chicken livers that they serve on pieces of dry wall called matzoh. Also, something called schmaltz is involved. As schmaltz is the Jew word for penis, its better not to ask.

Sects of Judaism
There are four sects of Judaism (also known as Goat-Paths to Nowhere):
 * Orthodoxy: This is the most orthodox sect. These are the dudes in the suits, kippot, tallitot, hats, and little curly hairs on the sides. They hate equality and progressive thinking. They do whatever the Torah tells them. Other Jews think these Jews are uptight momzers and insane in the membrane.
 * Conservativism: The majority of Jews. It's those who want to sound religious but aren't really. Basically, their services are shorter but they still hate each other.
 * Reconstructionism: A little less religious than Conservatives, a lot less into prayer and more into social action, egalitarianism, liberal thinking, and more modern, cultural, and spiritual than any other sect. Thusly, there's almost none of them.
 * Reform: Liberal pinko Jews who don't care about God, but want Bar Mitzvah parties anyway.

Pre-Biblical Times
There wasn't even a word. God was hanging around by himself thinking about everything he was about to create without any words. Then there was a word, that's where Biblical times start. I mean John says "In the beginning was the word." Of course he says that somewhere near the end of the actual Bible, but you get the idea.

No times before the Bible or you burn in hell. Got it?

Biblical Times
Starting in 4405bc on October 9th at 8:14 am, the Jews became God's chosen people when God created Adam, who was a Jew. Of course Adam screwed everything up when he listened to Eve and ate the apple. Thus man got kicked out of the Garden of Eden. For the next fourty-four hundred and five years Jews remained God's chosen people even though they pissed him off bad. He kept punishing them by flooding them and handing them over to one Empire or another. Finally he got sick of trying to punish the Jews and sent Jesus to save them. But they didn't listen.

Christ Killing Not only didn't the Jews listen to Jesus, they hired a bunch of Italian leg-breakers to nail him up to a cross. This was all part of God's Ineffable Plan.

Now just because "Ineffable" is a big word we don't understand doesn't mean we can't try to figure out the plan.

See, the Jews killed Jesus because God wanted to change his chosen people to America. But he kept them around because you keep your friends close and your enemies closer. See the Good Lord knows everything so He knew we need the Jews so that they're messiah can be our Anti-Christ so that when the Second Coming happens he can finally punish the murderers. Then The Loving and Merciful Creator of All Life™ can enjoy the dish best served cold. He gets to go a smiting just like in the Left Behind books and he gets to indulge in a little torture porn (like Passion of The Christ for instance). And then there's the lake of searing excrement; only people as good as Dr. Stephen Colbert, DFA get to sees the Jews tossed in there. If your lucky enough to get a seat ringside, make sure to cover your nose.

Era #1
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The Spanish Inquisition
In 2006 the Christians, led by Ann Coulter, decreed all Jews must be perfected to Christianity or be banished. Many Jews left. Many other Jews, however, had already put money down for time-share condos and had no choice but to convert or lose their deposit. These Jews converted, only to be hunted down and accused of heresy for being Jews. This prompted most Jews to protest the inquisition, saying, "Isn't that a bit of a catch-22?"

The Grand Inquisitor had a very sophisticated method of interrogation. Observe:

INQUISITOR: Are you a Jew?

JEW: No.

INQUISITOR: Are you sure you're not a Jew?

JEW: Yes.

INQUISITOR: Oh, well sorry to bother you. Would you fancy staying for cake?

JEW: Is it chocolate? I'm allergic to chocolate.

INQUISITOR: It's a mind-blowing lemon pound cake.

JEW: Hmm, maybe just a nosh...

INQUISITOR smiles a sinister smile.

JEW: Damn.

Era #2
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Era #3
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Era #4
change this section title to an appropriate period in history for the Jews, delete it or add another as needed

Important Jewish Rituals
Bris (for 8-Day-Old Boy): Have the foreskin of the peepee get chopchop.

Bar (boy)/Bat (girl) Mitzvah (13-year-olds): Read from the Bora-Bora, (their holy book, like the New Testament for Christians, or the Koran is for terrorists, or sci-fi novels by L. Ron Hubbard for Tom Cruise) for the first time, then have a party.

Shabbat (every Friday night through Saturday): Sabbath, day of rest, light candles, eat bread, drink wine, etc. Religious Jews don't drive, use electricity, or actually do anything else but eat.

The High Holy Days (September): Rosh Hashish and Smoked Kippers, the Jewish New Year and day of repentance.

Passover (Spring): Celebrates Moses' illegal strike from Pyramid building, the damned commie. Still, the 10 Commandments look good in the lobbies of Federal Courthouses.


 * The dates aren't always the same because Jews use a lunar calendar, rather than a real calendar like everyone else. This might be because all Jews are Werewolves.  No one knows for sure.

Things Controlled by Jews
Some people get a little pissed when you say this, but Jews run stuff. Some stuff is bad, like the New York Times and Hollywood, some is good, like the Neo-Con Movement and the State of Israel. Jews are funny that way. They hedge their bets. But that doesn't mean Bill Krystal or Dennis Prager can't kick Al Gore's and Al Franken's asses back to France. Cause for all the liberal Jews the good guys got some too.

This does not mean that the Jews are good. It just means that some Jews are tremendously useful. The Israelis, for example, really help us out by killing lots of Hamas, Hezbollah terrorists and lots of other muslims. But they also dominate the international diamond trade. Which means you gotta talk to a Jew if you wanna get married which sucks pretty bad, but what are you gonna do.

Some people think Jews run the banks. Everyone knows the Jews used to run the banks so that they could control the world economy. But commie liberals under Chairman Hussein Obama took over the banks so that they could run the world economy into the ground. We're not sure if Hussein Obama or any of his commie liberals are closet Jews, but it doesn't hurt to assume so. So the Jews must run the banks.

Everyone also knows that liberal Jews run Hollywood. This is an inconvenient truth that ends up forcing us to sit through movies like An Inconvenient Truth and Happy Feet. If we could just replace the Hollywood Jews with the Neo-Con Jews we might get some good movies. But Hollywood without Jews; impossible. They'd never give it up.

Fun Fact: Jews invented the A-bomb, and the H-bomb and the Nucular Bomb. Which means Jews are The Bomb.

Things Controlled by Jews Part Two- Money
The Jews really like money. They don't like money the way good Christians like money, we just use money to buy stuff and impress our neighbors and pay for trips to Bangkok for, uh, vacation. Jews like to have lots of money that they never spend. This has something to do with an international plot to take over the world. It also has to do with the fact that they're cheap. Don't let a Jew jew you.

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What Jews Do
Oddly, Jews don't all sound like Jackie Mason. Only Jews over 45 sound like Jackie Mason. Everyone else talks normal, although more nasal, like they're hawking phlegm. This might have to do with learning to talk Hebrew.

They like to eat Chinese and watch movies while ignoring the Birthday of our Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ.

Also they read books. All the time. And books that aren't in American. Not even in Spanish, which is bad enough. They read books written in a 6004 year old (next October) dead language. What kind of a waste of time is that?

Fun Fact: The Jews wear little hats known as harmonicas.

Famous Jews
Notable Jews include:
 * Hollywood
 * Larry Silverstein
 * Barbra Streisand
 * Sammy Davis, Jr.
 * Wolf Blitzer
 * Howard Stern (half Jew)
 * Your accountant
 * All jewelers
 * John Stewart
 * Ron Silver
 * Natalie Portman
 * John Stewart
 * Whoopi Goldberg
 * Paul Krugman
 * John Stewart again

For Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur, 2006
Stephen Colbert offered Jews the opportunity to apologize to him by phone, and even went so far as to buy a special Kosher phone number, 1-888-OOPS-JEW, for Jews to do this.

Stephen is still waiting, for these Jews to call
Stephen is Christian and will accept apologies all year long.
 * Senator George Allen
 * Senator Joe Lieberman
 * Dick Cohen of The Washington Post

External Tubes

 * Official Jew Tube
 * "Holocaust" are for joos only, non-joos go away!