Jew

The Jew is a very peculiar creature that happens to be Mel Gibson's best friend. This is from a big fear of his that he won't make it in the movie industry, which is created, controlled, and somewhat tolerated by Jewish people. They often appear to be like normal Americans, but Jews have distinguishing characteristics - nose, face, hair, big penis (this is not so for those Jewesses, you know who you are) - that disclose their Jewishness to the trained eye. These features have gone undocumented until recently because of how all Jews are doctors and vice-versa.



Jews were the people who broke up you and your girlfriend from the 7th grade who lived in Canada, right before she was going to visit and meet all your friends. Also, all Jews either sound like Jackie Mason or "Telegraph Lady" from Coming to America.

Sects of Judaism
There are four sects of Judaism:
 * Orthodoxy: This is the most orthodox sect. These are the dudes in the suits, kippot, tallitot, hats, and little curly hairs on the sides. They hate equality and progressive thinking. They do whatever the Torah tells them. Other Jews think these Jews are uptight momzers and insane in the membrane.
 * Conservativism: The majority of Jews. It's those who want to sound religious but aren't really. Basically, their services are shorter but they hate each other.
 * Reconstructionism: A little less religious than Conservatives, a lot less into prayer and more into social action, egalitarianism, liberal thinking, and more modern, cultural, and spiritual than any other sect. Thusly, there's almost none of them.
 * Reformed: Reformed Jews (liberal pinko jews) They don't care about God but want Bar Mitzvah parties anyway.

The Origins of the word Jewish
Thousands of years ago, when the people from a mythical far off land called Can Ann, before the Jewish people had to invade America fleeing from the Chinese there were 12 states. These states resembled much of what America has today. There was one state however, that distinguished itself in the Can Ann land. That state was Jewda. It was soooo popular and trendy that the Baby Jesus chose to be born (by virgin conception, Amen) in Jewdah.

In fact, Jesus coined the term Jewish in his famous insult to a liberal leper, saying: " Yo nigga you ain't a Jew, you be JewISH". Therefore the term gained a negative connotation. Jesus is the only real JEW. All the others are Jewish. Or sort of like a Jew. Sorry Einstein.

Important Jewish Rituals
Bris (for 8-Day-Old Boy): Have the foreskin of the peepee get chopchop.

Bar (boy)/Bat (girl) Mitzvah (13-year-olds): Read from the Torah (our holy book, like the New Testament, the Koran, or sci-fi novels by L. Ron Hubbard) for the first time, then have a party.

Shabbat (every Friday night through Saturday): Sabbath, day of rest, light candles, eat bread, drink wine, etc. Religious Jews don't drive, use electricity, or actually do anything else but eat.

The High Holy Days (September): Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur, Jewish New Year and day of repentance

Passover (Spring): Celebrate the Jew's freedom from their enslavement in Egypt. We made some awseome pyramids but didn't like getting beaten.


 * The dates aren't always the same because Jews use a lunar calendar, not a solar calendar. Nobody knows why.

Things Controlled by Jews

 * War
 * Pro-Wrestling
 * The Stock Market
 * Banking
 * Accounting
 * The Media
 * Medicine
 * Kittens
 * Talent Agencies
 * Pre-crumbled cheese
 * The Catholic Church
 * Love
 * U.S. Foreign Policy
 * Europe
 * Paper Plates
 * Nazi Party
 * Money
 * Jew Gold
 * EARTH WIND WATER FIRE and HEART

Things Not Controlled by Jews
Borat
 * Pop music
 * Fox News
 * SPAM
 * Spiders
 * NAACP
 * My headaches
 * Sex
 * Stephen Colbert

How to Identify a Jew

 * Hidden bags of gold they tie around their necks.
 * Horns, big noses, and occasionally a tail.
 * Jews often have nice things.
 * Jews love coffee and other drugs.
 * Jews eat food made from ingredients called Kosher to confound non-Jews into believing there is mystical importance to this. The reason for Kashrut (Kosher food laws) is unknown
 * Often have shrines to Jon Stewart, the lead Jew.
 * Jews love typing
 * Women's feelings towards Jews are mixed because they put the seat down on the toilet. Sometimes they go too far and put the lid down, too, many times while the women are still using the toilet.
 * Jews shapeshift into little roaches like in the movie Borat.
 * Jews...love...bears

How To Destroy A Jew
The only way to truly destroy a Jew is to take all price-worthy items from them. That is the purpose of the Jew-Gold. Jews only age when separated from their Jew-Gold. The lack of food in concentration camps is not the reason all those Jews shriveled up, they were just separated from their money. If you can remove a Jew from their money for more than a week they will turn to dust.


 * All the bankers in the capital one commercial are jews so make you switch credit cards!

Jew Protection From Gentile Death Wishes
The Jews have their own special protections from the normal people who only wish for the return of everyone's Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ and that is their Jew Curse.

The Spanish Inquisition
In 1994 the Christians, lead by George Bush and Hilary Clinton, decreed all Jews must be perfected to Christianity or be banished. Many Jews left. Many other Jews, however, had already put money down for time-share condos and had no choice but to convert or lose their deposit. These Jews converted, only to be hunted down and accused of heresy for being Jews. This prompted most Jews to protest the inquisition, saying, "Isn't that a bit of a catch-22?" The Grand Inquisitor had a very sophisticated method of interrogation. Observe:

INQUISITOR: Are you a Jew?

JEW: No.

INQUISITOR: Are you sure you're not a Jew?

JEW: Yes.

INQUISITOR: Oh, well sorry to bother you. Would you fancy staying for cake?

JEW: Is it chocolate? I'm allergic to chocolate.

INQUISITOR: It's a mind-blowing lemon pound cake.

JEW: Hmm, maybe just a nosh...

INQUISITOR smiles a sinister smile.

JEW: Damn.

Jew-Thiness
Shalom! I'm not not a Jew and I have taken control of this publication. Although many of the statements on this page are true, there are several misconceptions I would like to set straight.

Firstly, we are not Mel Gibson's best friends. We just find him highly entertaining and use him for a good laugh.

Next, we don't all sound like Jackie Mason. Only Jews over 45 sound like Jackie Mason. Everyone else has a similar accent to those from his/her country, although slightly more nasaly.

Yes, we came form Canaan (modern day Israel minus Hamas and with more walls), however, there were 13 tribes, not 12 states. The Chinese didn't really bother us more than anyone else, but that's not saying much, is it?

Next, we don't really monopolize the Church. 32% of the world is Christian and 0.02% is Jewish. Kittens aren't really an industry, and the only culture we know of that kills (and then, surprisingly, eats) them is China (and occasionally Dick Cheney). And we think cheese is as crumbelievable as anyone else does. Yeah, we pose a threat to the rest of the industries on the list but so do all minorities. And no, we don't solve all of your minor problems (i.e. spiders, headaches) because we're too busy complaining about our own. In Yiddish! Oy gevalt.

Kashruth, or the way of eating for the Jewish people, conssits of NO milk with meat, NO pork, NO shelfish, and plenty of gifelte fish and matzah. We don't like to type, we hire gentiles to type for us. The idea that we have horns came from a misunderstanding. Someone thought that the Aramaic for 'Moses had a ring of light around his head' meant 'Jews have horns'. Ever since this mistranslation, we have horns.

Also, we don't always wear yamukes/kippot (the little funny hats) or tallitot (the scarf thingies.) Fore more info on these, see the above article sects.

Although most of us do carry tons and tons of money with us, it's normal currency in wallets, and not gold around our necks. Gold was only used in biblical times. It's really bulky and inconvinient, and Jews don't particularly like labor. Last but not least, we are very offended when people say anything even somewhat innacurate about the Holocaust. We didn't die from money seperation- it was the poisonous gas that really did it. Sice then, we've asked Bernie to cut down on the burritos. We Jews are known for our sense of humor.

Famous Jews
Notable Jews include:
 * JESUS HELL YEA THATS RIGHT! JESUS WAS A JEW!
 * Larry Silverstein
 * Barbra Streisand
 * Sammy Davis, Jr.
 * Optimus Prime
 * Wolf Blitzer
 * Howard Stern (half Jew)
 * Your accountant
 * The Jew
 * John Stewart
 * Ron Silver
 * Natalie Portman
 * John Stewart
 * Whoopi Goldberg
 * Paul Krugman
 * That creepy elderly guy from next door who shouts out what sounds like incoherent blab every time you annoy him (which happens to be almost every time he sees you). Yeah, you know who you are, Ronald.
 * Adolf Hitler
 * The Joker

For Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur, 2006
Stephen offered Jews the opportunity to apologize to him by phone, and even went so far as to buy a special Kosher phone number, 1-888-OOPS-JEW, for Jews to do this.

Stephen is still waiting, for these Jews to call
Stephen is Christian and will accept apologies all year long.
 * Senator George Allen
 * Senator Joe Lieberman
 * Dick Cohen of The Washington Post