Jack Bauer



Jack Bauer is awesome. He is a noted hero of America and whose awesomeness is rivaled only by Colbert's. He is a true patriot and puts his life on the line to defeat the threats of America. He could beat you up in like two seconds.

Biography
Jack Bauer Was Born in America. That alone makes him awesome. Jack not only loves America, but has put his life on the line several times for it. In fact, he's died twice for America (eat your heart out Nathan Hale). He has stopped presidential corruption, bombs, viruses, and has saved the President on numberous occasions. He works at CTU, or Counter Terrorism Unit, and is ready to save the country any time. In only ONE day. Jack is a master of interrogation. One time he almost pulled this guy's stomach lining out.. with a wash cloth. Although some consider him a flawed hero, he has no flaws. Everything Jack Bauer does is right, other people just think it's wrong. Some people think Bauer is a TV character, played by Kiefer Sutherland. But that's not true, no one plays Jack Bauer.

Little known trivia about Jack Bauer

 * When a convicted terrorist was sentenced to face Jack Bauer, he appealed to have the sentence reduced to death.


 * One proposed budget for the US Military covered Jack Bauer, two pistols and four billion rounds of ammunition.


 * Jack Bauer can fly a plane from the luggage compartment.


 * Many women's husbands don't wish they were Jack Bauer. They wish their wives were Jack Bauer. Coincidentally, none of these men are gay.


 * Once, someone tried to tell Jack Bauer a "knock knock" joke. Jack Bauer found out who was there, who they worked for, and where the goddamned bomb was.


 * If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Myers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice. The corollary to this is: If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Myers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Stalin and Hitler so they wouldn't have to bear witness to what he'd do to Nina.


 * Jack Bauers calender goes from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Jack Bauer.


 * The state of California plans to reduce violent crime by changing the method of capital punishment from lethal injection to Jack Bauer.


 * Going to China is all part of Jack Bauer's master plan to rid the world of Communism. A billion Chinese vs Jack Bauer? Sounds like a fair fight.


 * Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.


 * Kim Bauer lost her virginity-- Jack Bauer got it back.


 * If you wake up in the morning, it's because Jack Bauer spared your life.


 * Jack Bauer sleeps with a pillow under his gun.


 * Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.


 * Jack Bauer could strangle you with a cordless phone.


 * Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.


 * In order to control illegal immigration in the United States, the president installed cardboard cutouts of Jack Bauer along the US/Mexico border.


 * Jack Bauer doesn't have a firewall on his PC. He has a Bauerwall. It's basically just a JPEG of Jack Bauer. No virus has ever attacked Jack Bauer's PC. Ever.


 * If Rosa Parks was in Jack Bauer's seat, she'd move to the back of the bus.


 * Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.


 * Superman's only weakness is Kryptonite. Jack Bauer laughs at Superman for having a weakness.


 * When Jack Bauer goes to the airport and the metal detector doesn't go off, security gives him a gun.


 * Jack Bauer once arm wrestled Superman. The stipulations were the loser had to wear his underwear on the outside of his pants.


 * Jack Bauer once killed so many terrorists that at one point, the #5 CIA Most Wanted fugitive was an 18-year-old teenager in Malaysia who downloaded the movie Dodgeball.


 * Every mathematical inequality officially ends with "< Jack Bauer".


 * Jack Bauer eliminated Bird Flu by playing Duck Hunt.


 * When Jack Bauer was a child, he made his mother finish her vegetables.


 * When the boogie man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Jack Bauer.


 * Jack Bauer can leave a message before the beep.


 * Jack Bauer can get McDonald's breakfast after 10:30.


 * Guns dont kill people, Jack Bauer kills people.


 * In kindergarten, Jack Bauer killed a terrorist for Show and Tell.


 * Jack Bauer makes onions cry.


 * Jack Bauer once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.


 * When Chuck Norris files his taxes, he sends in a blank return and a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has never had to pay taxes. This year, however, the IRS sent him back a picture of Jack Bauer wearing his dark sunglasses. The next day, Chuck Norris pled guilty to multiple counts of tax evasion.


 * Jack Bauer can hit two birds with no stones.


 * Jack Bauer's family threw him a surprise birthday party when he was a child. Once.


 * When Jack Bauer turns on a video game, the screen just says "You Win" and turns itself off again.


 * Jack Bauer knows Victoria's secret.


 * Jack Bauer’s dog put a sign on his fence that read “Beware of Jack.”


 * A terrorist once killed himself so Jack Bauer did not torture him. Jack just laughed, brought him back to life, and tortured him.


 * When Jack Bauer was a baby, he took candy from adults.


 * Water can only go three days without Jack Bauer.


 * Jack Bauer can start a fire using only water.


 * Deaf people listen to Jack bauer.


 * To stop the Japanese in WWII Truman was going to drop Jack Bauer out of a Bomber. Instead he went with a nuke because it was more humane.


 * Arnold Schwarzenegger thought he could take Jack Bauer in a fight. He ended up pregnant.


 * Jesus died and rose from the dead in 3 days. It took Jack Bauer less than an hour. And he's done it twice.


 * Jack Bauer's blood type is testosterone.


 * Instead of tickling Elmo, Jack Bauer shot him.


 * Jack Bauer got in a car accident and protected his air bag.


 * Jack Bauer can click BigRedNumber down.


 * David Palmer is Jack Bauers' Black Friend.