Theodore Roosevelt



Theodore Roosevelt 26th President, Republican.

Theodore Roosevelt is one of the coolest dudes who ever lived and the first Great Republican President to wear a cowboy hat.

Early Years

Born in New York City, he moved to the North Dakota badlands at a young age where he invented cattle ranching and the lynching of cattle rustlers. He is also credited with the extermination of all bears in North Dakota and on summer evenings he was often seen strolling along the banks beautiful Little Missouri River, looking for Grizzly Bears. Upon finding a bear he would strangle it with his bear hands, then rip open it's chest with his pocket knife and eat it's still beating heart. These bears were then mounted and sold in tourist shops throughout the western United States. These bears became known as "Teddy Bears." A small, child-size version of these bears, made of cloth, soon became popular and are still sold as teddy bears.

War Hero

Following his ranching career Roosevelt volunteered for combat in the Spanish American War and was awarded the Medal of Honor for flying numerous bombing missions over Cuba in which he destroyed all of Cuba's ball bearing plants and oil refineries. While in Cuba he invented the Cuba Libre (known in the USA as a Rum and Coke), which is a cocktail consisting of three parts cocaine and one part rum, with a wedge of lime.

Presidency

Following the war Roosevelt was called to Washington to be the Vice President for William McKinley. But when McKinley was assassinated by a godless, egg-sucking, Democrat, Roosevelt became our youngest president.

As president Roosevelt instituted numerous reforms to government such as the Food and Drug Administration and the introduction of pet badgers in the White House. While president he won the Nobel Prize for defeating both Japan and Russia in the Sino-Russian War. He also demonstrated the superiority of American Naval Power by sending the Great White Fleet to Switzerland and Bolivia, and he single handedly dug the Panama Cannel.

Retirement

Following his successful presidency Roosevelt spent the rest of his life devoted to killing animals in Africa and South America.