Bob Ross

Bob Ross was a painter who hosted the show The Joy of Painting on PBS.

Bob Ross grew up in Farmingdale, Massachusetts; he was drafted into the Vietnam War and became a sniper. During his heroic tour he killed 34 men, 16 women, and 56 children. His greatest achievement was firing a shot that passed through two women and her three children before hitting a propane tank that killed an additional 15 civilians.

Bob Ross then became a pussy because he thought it was "hard" to deal with his actions and started to paint. He found that by using a wet-on-wet canvas he could inscribe secrets into his paintings and sell them to the Soviets at top dollar. With his newfound riches he decided to conquer the toughest medium of all: WIPB public television in Muncie, Indiana.

As his popularity grew, Ronald Reagan quietly recognized the threat this man had on the American public. He ordered the same assassin squads who worked Fidel Castro to work on Bob Ross; they attempted to poison his wheatgrass smoothie with excess lead acetate but, as usual, failed in their attempt. However the dosage was sufficient to induce cancer that killed him 10 years later in 1995.

As a result, a group of entrepreneurs bought licensing rights to Bob Ross' material and started selling overpriced "do-it-yourself painting" kits that contradicted Ross' altruistic/communistic stylings.