Birds

The furry winged creatures that populate many countries over the world. Birds are distantly related to the legendary Bald Eagle, but it would be futile to compare the two as Bald Eagles are the dolphins of birds. Much like dolphins are mammal and not fish, Bald Eagles are American and not birds.

It is rumored that birds are working for an unknown liberal or communist leader. This may be one of many, including Karl Marx, Al Gore, or Satan.

Birds are nothing more than terrorists who have found a new way to oppress freedom: By attempting to instill fear via targeting American windows (not to be confused with Liberal windows) that may be on any standing structure or mode of transportation.

As seen on Giraldo who was reporting right in the action about 10 miles away from an unsuspecting window, a fanatical bird began the first suicide attack on freedom. The bird flew itself directly into the window of the residence of Chuck Norris, who happened to be sleeping with his eyes open (this allows him to roundhouse kick any ninjas or bears that might be attempting to disturb his slumber) on his bed of nails. Luckily Giraldo dove for cover just as the bird hit the window. Giraldo was narrowly missed by a mere distance of 10 miles, 7 inches.

Birds have also been attempting to corrupt the population of America by performing "liquid sin" carpet bombing. These concentrated blobs of sin have been known to be laser-guided on to many windshields of domestically manufactured all-American freedomobiles, formerly known as automobiles. Target priority is usually determined by value of vehicle and whether it has been recently washed.

Fortunately, not all birds can fly. The most useless of which is penguins. They are mistakes of God and were placed on icy islands so they could keep Polar Bears busy eating them instead of Americans.

While true, there are a few species that have adapted to this inability to fly and have developed an uncanny speed. They have a unique mating call of "Meep meep". Reportedly these grounded versions of flying communism are being chased by a unknown goverment agent. Little is known of this agent other than it is a male (the most strongest of genders) and he is equipped by a conglomerate known as Acme. Acme was selected because much like the suppliers of equipment for United States troops, it was the lowest bidder.

Birds have yet to be recognized as an official threat to freedom, Jesus, and America because they work with the democratic party to create media cover-ups and lies. Not once has a nature documentary or book released the chilling truth on birds and their vandetta against the windows that allow self-made Republican patriots to look out in satisfaction at the illegal immigrants mowing their lawn.