Juneteenth

Juneteenth

Juneteenth is a day of forgiveness and freedom celebrated by the African American community on June 19. It is not to be confused with Juevember, the place yo’ mama slaps you when she’s pissed. The activities are held outside. In the heat. When it’s really, really hot. In June.

Because the celebration does not call for mass purchasing of gifts, it does not qualify as a national holiday. People are however encouraged to buy popsicles and eat BBQ bear meat.

A Reason to Celebrate and Contemplate

Sponsored annually by the Republican party, Juneteenth commemorates the day that African American Southerners found out that the ALL Democratic congress (scalawags) had suppressed the fact that Republican president Abraham Lincoln had signed the Emancipation Proclamation, 40 years before. This suppression of information is characteristic of the Democratic Party which is why people of color should be suspect when talking to Democrats.

It should also be a day for African Americans to reflect on the betrayal of the Democratic president Andrew Johnson who after Lincoln’s assassination, took back the 40 acres and a mule promise written by the beloved Lincoln. A skeezer, Andrew Johnson drew a line through that part of the reconstruction plan with shoe paint. This betrayal, which will happen again if Hillary Clinton is elected, needs to be contemplated by every boy and girl each and every day, everywhere during Juneteenth. Least we forget. And if Hillary gets elected we will impeach her ass too!

Juneteenth Commitee and Activities

Radical freedom thinkers such as Alan Keyes, Clarence Thomas, Sammy Davis Jr., Condoleesa Rice and Vernon Robinson have all been standing members of the Juneteenth Commemorative Activity Committee, a subcommittee of the Republican Liberty Caucus. J.C. Watts is an ex-offico member. Currently James Meredith and his side-kick the honorable Jessie Helms co-chair the Committee. Committee members are currently rallying to change the black national anthem to John Ashcroft’s, “Let the Eagle Soar”.

The activities of the day commence with a reading from the Good Book and excerpts from the Patriot Act which protects all American from having their rights violated like they were before a Republican President like “honest Abe” or our current hero of the republic, George W. Bush took the helm and steered everyone toward true American decency.

One the most important events of the Juneteenth is the awarding of Juneteenth Indulgences. These tokens of forgiveness release the recipient of all their shortcomings as seen by the African American community. While only African Americans can nominate an individual to receive an indulgence (at a cost of 50 cents), all Juneteenth Indulgence nominations must be approved by Dr. Stephen T. Colbert, D.F.A and the Juneteenth Activity Committee before being placed on the ballot. Nominations to give indulgences to the Dixie Chicks, Bill Clinton, Michael Moore, Bono, Justin Timberlake, Al Gore, and Jimmy Carter were all thwarted through this process (thank God, Democracy works!) Recipients of Juneteeth Indulgences have been OJ Simpson, Michael Jackson, Tawana Brawley, Latoya Jackson and Lynyrd Skynyrd.