Jesus Christ

Jesus Christ is our Lord and Savior. Jesus died for our sins on a cross and now all we have to do is confess our sins and believe in Him and we get to go to Heaven. Pretty sweet deal, right? Well at least for us. For some reason, liberals can't seem to get it together to save their godless souls. Just makes more room for the rest of us at the all-you-can-eat shrimp buffet in Heaven.

More than one Jesus appearing to you at a time are called "Jesi", pronounced like the "jee" in "golly-jee" and "zi" as in "Zionist pig".

Politics
Jesus was the founder of the Republican party, as, sensibly, he believed in Himself. Its noteworthy that, in keeping with his constant attempts to twart Jesus, Judas (also known as Satan) started the Democrats.

What you should believe
You should believe in one God, the Father, the Almighty. Maker of heaven and earth, of all that is seen and unseen.

Factoids

 * Jesus is right-handed, like all Christians.
 * The only language spoken by Jesus is English (American English).
 * Jesus is the inventor of the modern-day Spanish Omelet.
 * Jesus is a life member of the NRA.
 * After walking on water, Jesus invented the swift boat.
 * Member of the Super Best Friends Superhero Team.
 * Jesus' favorite hockey team is the Saginaw Spirit. They win because he is on their side.  The Spirit, who are the only American team in the Ontario Hockey League, frequently pummel godless Canadians into submission, as this is the Lord's work.
 * While it is argued by some that Jesus might be black, true Americans (like Stephen Colbert) who can't see people's color wouldn't know the difference anyway.
 * Out of all the non-Christian (false) deities, Jesus is the most ripped, except for perhaps Thor, but he's all about muscle mass while Jesus is about being toned.
 * Can do more situps than anyone else in the world (when he's not nailed to a cross), check out that six pack!
 * Jesus is Allah's cousin. They met only once, and talked about beards. Jesus has a brown beard, but Allah has a black beard. Allah has a longer beard. Jesus is commonly accepted to have a more intense beard, though. And he's more photogenic than Allah. Much more photogenic. Hell, Jesus is a camera whore.
 * Contrary to popular belief it was recently revealed on The Repor, that George Bush is not Jesus, but he is damn close.

Things Jesus Has Been Seen On

 * 1) tortillas
 * 2) Shroud of Turin
 * 3) shadow on woman's floor
 * 4) potatoe chips
 * 5) Sugarloaf Mountain, Rio de Janeiro
 * 6) Winning entry of the 2006 "Green Screen Challenge"
 * 7) Toast sold to casinos

Do Not Also See

 * The Qur'an