Mitt Romney

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Willard Mittens Romney is a lifelong hunter who has never had a hunting license. He retired in January, 2007 as Republican governor of the very un-Republican state of Massachusetts.

Romney follows GOP tradition by running for President just like his father did before him. Mitt's papa, George, was governor of Michigan and ran for the GOP Presidential nomination in 1968 against Richard Nixon.

George Romney became famous for making disposable cars called "Nash Ramblers." People liked them in the 50s and 60s because the cars would automatically disintegrate into a small pile of rubble if parked too long in the same place.

After he lost the Presidential nomination, Papa Romney was appointed Secretary of Housing and Urban Development. He used his business expertise to build disposable housing units that would automatically disintegrate into a large pile of rubble if left standing too long in the same place.

Mitt Enters Business World
Like his father, young Mitty made his mark in business. Mitt co-founded a company called Bain Capital that specialized in disposable "investment vehicles." These expensive documents would automatically disintegrate into a small pile of dust if stored too long in the same place.

When the Mormon group that was organizing the Salt Lake City Winter Olympics ran into a GOP-style bribery and corruption scandal, they called out for help from famous Mormons. Mitt Romney rode to the rescue on a golden chariot pulled by a flock of holy seagulls.

Because many notable Mormons had gotten tarred by the Olympics "scandals," Romney made those charges disintigrate into a small pile of dust. He rolled up his sleeves and -- with the help of cadres of Mormon businessmen who bought a lot of ads on NBC -- turned the Winter Olympics into a huge success.

He then hopped back onto his chariot and rode back to Massachusetts where he'd gone to school at MIT.

Big Dig
He told people in Massachusetts that his experience with disintegrating business plans would help him fix up all the problems that had been plaguing a road construction nightmare in Boston called the "Big Dig." He also told gay people that he really, really liked them and that he was almost like a Democrat.

So, people there who didn't know or care what a Mormon is, elected him governor.

Sure enough, the Big Dig finally opened to cars while Romney was governor. In keeping with Romney family tradition, however, parts of the tunnels collapsed into piles of rubble shortly after they opened.

Also while Romney was governor, Massachusetts became the only state in the union to recognize gay marriage as legal and binding. Romney insisted that this wasn't his fault.

2008 Presidential Bid
After leaving the Massachusetts governor's house, Romney set about following his father in running for a nod as GOP Presidential Candidate. Romney decided to position himself as the candidate for the fundamentalist base of the Republican party. His supporters insisted that Romney was God's chosen candidate.

This presented an interesting conundrum for Romney, however, because it meant that he might have to explain to born-again Christians just exactly which of a few possible Mormon "gods" was choosing this good Mormon son. And then there's the whole "born again" issue which has a whole different meaning to Mormons who insist that salvation comes not just through faith, but also through works, acts, and obedience to The Church.

Romney demonstrated his electoral chops during the 2006 Midterm Elections by running the Republican Governor's Association. The GOP didn't pick up even one state house from Democrats and lost six governorships, but Romney insisted that it wasn't his fault.

Mitt's Street Cred
Mitt revealed in 2007, just after announcing he would be running, that he is way macho due to his participation in a hunting excursion when he was a lad of 15.

He also asks the important questions, like "Who let the dogs out." His keen sense of observation leads him to notice when babies are sporting "bling-bling."

Family Life
First and foremost, Mitt is against airport restroom relations. He never lets any of his sons use them alone.

While a practicing Mormon, Romney has confessed to being shamed by his church's history of polygamy. In fact, Mitt says he cannot imagine anything worse than this practice (one assumes he has never imagined gay minotaurs). Mitt's own monogamous relationship with wife Ann began when she was a "hot" fifteen year old and he was a young Mormon lad of eighteen.

Together, Mitt and Ann have produced five strapping junior Mormon progeny, their sons Tagg, Ben, Matt, Craig, and Josh. All of them have bravely served their nation by tirelessly campaigning for their father's Presidential campaign. Heroic Romney boys: we salute you! But the heart of the Romney family has and always will be their beloved pet and avid road-tripper, the Irish Setter Seamus.

Youth Endorsement
Mitt spoke at and won the straw poll at the 2007 Young Republicans National Convention (YRNC 2007), which also elected Glenn Murphy as the YR Chairman. There was no vote tampering. Mitt wutt'nt support anything like that.

The end
Romney's campaign is now dead. It has deferred to bigger and better things, such as not letting the terrorists win. Said Mitt: "And now if you'll excuse me, my magic underwear need to be changed."

Favorite Book

 * Battlefield Earth!

Things Mitt Has Seen

 * Click here for all the things Mitt has seen

Do Not See Also

 * Larry Craig - who was not a leader in Mitt's campaign and had no chance of becoming Vice President at any time

Mitt-mentum

 * Mitt Romney at Campaigns Wikia
 * Washington Post profile
 * Join Team Mitt!