Jew

The Jew is a very peculiar creature that Mel Gibson does not like. This is from a big fear of his that he won't make it in the movie industry, which is created, controlled, and somewhat tolerated by Jewish people. They often appear to be like normal Americans, but Jews have distinguishing characteristics - nose, face, hair, big penis (this is not so for those Jewesses, you know who you are) - that disclose their Jewishness to the trained eye. These features have gone undocumented until recently because of how all Jews are doctors and vice-versa.

Jews were the people who broke up you and your girlfriend from the 7th grade who lived in Manitoba, right before she was going to visit and meet all your friends. Also, all Jews either sound like Jackie Mason or "Telegraph Lady" from Coming to America.



Industries Monopolized by Jews

 * Pro-Wrestling
 * The Stock Market
 * Banking
 * Accounting
 * The Media
 * Medicine
 * Kittens
 * Pre-crumbled cheese
 * The Catholic Church
 * Love

Industries Not Monopolized by Jews

 * Pop music
 * Fox News
 * SPAM
 * Spiders
 * My headaches

How to Identify a Jew
Jews can be identified in many ways:
 * Jews often have nice things
 * Jews love coffee, marijuana, speed, and other drugs (they've told you they are harmless so they can get the edge on you, yeah, you, and you, and you...)
 * Jews eat food made from ingredients called Kosher to confound non-Jews (aka homosexuals) into believing there is mystical importance to this. The reason for Kashrut (Kosher food laws) is to maintain ignorance with the spirits that inhabit the souls of each individual ingredient.  This prevents them from learning of their own futile destiny and bring war upon civilized man (think Terminator 2 (Director's Cut) but with cranberry sauce instead of Arnold - all fiction is based on some fact)
 * Jews love typing
 * Jews are often found in bed with your girlfriend(s). This is because Jews have been cited in many studies as better lovers than non-Jews.
 * Women's feelings towards Jews are mixed because they put the seat down on the toilet. Sometimes they go too far and put the lid down, too, many times while the women are still using the toilet.

Famous Jews
Notable Jews include:
 * Barbra Streisand
 * Sammy Davis, Jr.
 * Optimus Prime
 * The Thing
 * Jon Stewart
 * Wolf Blitzer
 * Howard Stern (half jew)
 * Your accountant
 * The Jew
 * Ron Silver

Not Jews

 * Senator George Allen
 * Joe Lieberman

Jew Trivia

 * Jews have insatiable appetites, and caused the Great Pork Shortage of 1987.

For Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur, 2006
Stephen offered Jews the opportunity to apologize to him by phone, and even went so far as to buy a special Kosher phone number, 1-888-OOPS-Jew, for Jews to do this.

Stephen is still waiting, for these Jews to call
Stephen is Christian and will accept apologies all year long.
 * Senator George Allen
 * Senator Joe Lieberman
 * Dick Cohen of The Washington Post