Breaking News/Archive/022007

Ted Haggard Totally Ex-Gay Again
DENVER, COLORADO, February 6, 2006--

GREAT NEWS AMERICA!

The Rev. Ted Haggard emerged from three weeks of intensive counseling convinced he is "completely heterosexual" and told an oversight board that his sexual contact with men was limited to his accuser.

That is according to one of the disgraced pastor's overseers, who on Monday revealed new details about where Haggard has been and where he is headed.

When asked to comment, John Kerry said some horrible things about Dick Cheney's Lesbian Daughter that Wikiality.com cannot post without having to face stiff fines.

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Star Whores
America's Space Station, February 6, 2006 N.A.S.A., when not planning on trips to conquer Mars, are planning their own line of Girls Gone Wild, but in outerspace! Upon hearing about Joe Francis's overtures into the stratosphere, N.A.S.A. felt their turf was being horned in on, so they decided to up the ante and train their own cadre of uninhibited women. Since these girls are scientists, they are more likely to be Godless and prone to acting out in an unprofessional manner not befitting the title of a Girl Gone Wild.

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Satan's Handmaiden Demands Use of Air Force 1 for Her Entourage
WASHINGTON D.C., February 4, 2006-- An unnamed intrepid Fox journalist has undercovered another example of the Democrat's plot to destroy America.

Satan's representative in America's Congress, Nancy Pelosi, has demanded use of Air Force 1 when she flies around the country undermining The Baby Jesus' love, promoting communism and making everyone gay.

Rudy Giuliani, Republican candidate for President in 2008, was shocked and outraged by the blatant abuse of power,"'This is outrageous. If I were in charge of the Congress, there would be a lot more nightstick anal probes, I can guarantee you.'"

Few details were given regarding the insidious plot: However, one can safely assume Mrs. Satan does not have America's best interests in mind and if any of this were not true, she can call and demand a retraction from Wikiality.com.
 * Pelosi demands that Air Force 1 be available when she goes shoe shopping
 * Pelosi demanded a total of 4 jets:
 * Air Force 1, so she can soil it with her filthy, filthy agenda
 * another for her shoes
 * another for consanginous family
 * the last one to carry all the aborted fetuses she eats to stay alive

When asked why the reporter would not release his name he said, "I don't want the story to be about me, I have all the fame any man who discovered Al Capone's vault could ever want; This is bigger than any one man."

With that, the masked reporter ran off to save an old lady crossing the street.

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February 2nd Was Groundhog Day
UNDISCLOSED LOCATION, USA! USA! USA!-- In his annual celebration, Vice President Dick Cheney has poked his head out of Undisclosed Location to predict whether the existing political climate will continue.

"This is my favorite time of year," said an unnamed Defense Contractor who watched the celebration on Fox News, "and this year did not disappoint!"

The ritual has been the party for Defense Contractors since it began the day after Eisenhower gave up the ghost. It started as a prank amongst friends and has grown to include both Bush Family defense firms and is celebrated simultaneously in two countries: America and Saudi Arabia. Every year, Defense Contractors eagerly await the Vice President's emergence from his subterranian lair to declare how taxes will be alloted. This year, Mr. Cheney did not see his shadow predicting 6 more months of secrecy and no-bid contracts.

The crowd cheered and Mr. Cheney descended back into the earth.

When asked to comment, Joe Biden said Mr. Cheney was the most articulate and clean rodent-like Vice President in at least a generation.

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Kissinger Nominates The Greatest President Ever For Secret Plan To End War!
UNDISCLOSED LOCATION, USA! USA! USA!-- Dr. Henry Kissinger (friend of the show) has announced today that The Greatest President Ever has a plan that is so secret, that it will definately end the war in Iraq. "'I have seen the plan, and it will work. No doubt about it. There is no way that it can't. I just can't reveal any details.'" Immediately after the announcement, all persons within earshot instantaneously began celebrating!

But, as it turns out, Dr. Kissinger was not finished with his surprises: "'I was so impressed with The Greatest President Ever's Double Super-Secret plan, that I had to nominate him for a Nobel Peace Prize; not just for the plan itself, but for making it so secret and for making it so awesome. I am certain they will award him without having to compromise National Security by reviewing the plan based on my nomination alone. I know these Nobel people and they know me, and if I tell them I nominated someone for the Peace Prize they will give it to him.'"

Well said, Dr. Kissinger.

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Blasphemous "Knowledge Hole" Ruined For Good!
HOUSTON, TEXAS, USA! USA! USA!--

Hallelujah! The Lord God (praise His name!) has seen fit at long last to blind the Liberal Sodomic-Eye-Hole that had peered into God's sacred heavens.

Jesus!

Finally, We may be free from the lies and blasphemy that liberals have brought unto His Earth!

No longer shall we be subject to the desperate rantings of the scientocracy of nerds with a really big telescope!

From now on, American, Christian children will not be subject to anything that contradicts The Bible!

Only the Lord's Word will be taught!

"This can only mean one thing for my constituents," said John McCain, senator from Arizona, home to one of Hubble's replacements.

Mr. McCain continued, "and by constituents I mean corporations, and by jobs I mean government contracts."

The interview had to be cut short in order for Mr. McCain to catch the "Straight-Talk Express" before it left the station. ###

New Hospital to Help Heroes! Opens! In Texas!
SAN ANTONIO, TEXAS, January 29, 2007-- God Bless America! In these times of war and likely terrorist attacks, America needs to proclaim their shared love and patriotism for Our Troops.

And today, The Center for the Intrepid, the newest symbol of that love, etc. is having a GRAND OPENING!!! in America's favorite state, Texas!

A spokesman for the White House read a prepared statement: "'When America Haters say 'The Greatest President Ever doesn't care about the troops' he can show them this wonderful, privately-run, brand new, $50 million dollar state-of-the-art, rehabilitation facility, in Texas!'"

Attending the ceremony were all the regular Texas luminaries including The Greatest President Ever's mother, who gave the crowd a delightful look into here beautiful, beautiful mind:

When asked to respond, John Kerry blathered on about how the troops shouldn't be in Iraq for the benefit of Halliburton and other Patriotic Corporations and how, after the troops are injured, they will be sent not to the tax-payer-funded, government regulated, military-run Walter Reed Hospital, which was selected to be closed by the 109th Congress just as plans for building the private The Center for the Intrepid began, but instead they will be sent to a privately-run hospital (The Center for the Intrepid), which will more than likely be run as efficiently as every other Private Corporation, such as how efficiently Halliburton provided safe water for the troops stationed in Iraq and doesn't anyone else think it's weird that Texas is getting all these government contracts, like the Katrina Oral Histories Project, or all those space-related research/National Security/communications projects or the Trans-Texas Highway. And on and on and on...

Luckily, Wikiality.com began the interview last week and what normally would have been a 10-minute phone interview turned into a 4-day homo-revival necessitating the scheduling of several reporters to cover John Kerry spewing about his liberal claptrap.

This reporter is just glad it's over and we can get on with spending money on Our Troops ###

Colbert Wins Wager on Spirit-Generals Game
(NOTE: Apparently Canadians believe patriotism is the same thing as satire. Also note that the 'reporter' of this story claims Stephen asked fans to throw the annual reports onto the ice, something he specifically said they should 'not' do.)

Canadian Press 1/26/2007 11:41:44 PM SAGINAW, Mich. (CP) - Late-night TV funnyman Stephen Colbert had the last laugh Friday night.

The host of the satirical news program The Colbert Report, has thrown his support behind the OHL's Saginaw Spirit in recent months after learning the Michigan team had named its mascot Steagle Colbeagle the Eagle, as a tribute to him.

On Friday night, the Spirit earned a 5-4 win over the Oshawa Generals, a team that Colbert had trashed recently. Some fans in the sold-out crowd of 5,527 held signs referring to Colbert with one saying Spirit will win, Colbert will win.

See the full story here.

The Saginaw Spirit Demolish The Oshawa bin Laden Generals
Saginaw, Michigan, January 26, 2007--

In yet another demonstration of The Power of Stephen Colbert, the team that named their mascot after him defeated their archrivals, the Canadian terrorists, Oshawa Generals by a resounding winning score.

The Generals were deflated after the Spirit scored their first score at 10 seconds in and every fan threw copies of General Motor's dismal annual stockholders report onto the ice.

By the beginning of the 4th inning, the "Generals" used the copies to wipe the tears from their eyes.

At the close of the game, Steagle Colbeagle the Eagle had to be restrained from soaring over the "Generals" bench and annointing them with Freedom Sauce. ###

Chris Funk's Guitar For Sale on eBay
The BC Rich Warlock that Chris Funk used in the Countdown to Guitarmageddon to foolishly challenge Stephen Colbert in a Shred-Off is now for sale on eBay. We all know the solo was less than scorching, and that he was blown away by Stephen Colbert's (as Peter Frampton) amazing fretwork, but the guitar is signed by Our Glorious Stephen and other less important numinaries, and the proceeds go towards a good cause.

Papa Bear Comes to The Colbert Report!
COLBERT HEADQUARTERS January 9, 2007-- On January 18, Papa Bear O'Reilly and Our Glorious Stephen will appear on each others' shows This is seriously the BEST NEWS EVER! ###