Mary Poppins

Mary J. Poppins (February 12, 1821-August 26, 1895) is considered by many as one of the most influential British nannies of the 19th century. She is not to be mistaken with the fictional character whom actress Julie Andrews frequently disguises herself as to undermine our nation's democracy.

Early Life
Born to parents Nigel Poppins and Elizabeth Pennyloafer, Mary was gifted with a rich and luxuriant childhood. Nigel Poppins was a wealthy stock holder in the "Telephone", as it was just going global, and her mother found adequate work in retail. Mary's parents spoiled and doted on their little daughter, their only child, and wished for her to become a great individual. However, they soon found out that Mary was deaf and blind, and their hopes were shattered.

With their only chance at feeling young again by stealing their daughter's childhood gone, the disappointed Nigel and Elizabeth abandoned Mary in St. Chuck Norris's Orphanage in London. As it was necessary for all children of the orphanage, she was trained extensively in the areas of Karate, Taekwondo, and Ass-Kicking. Despite her inability to see and hear, she became one of Sensei Merryweather's (a nurse in orphanage) best students, and earned her black belt at the age of 8. Mary Poppins used her newfound senses to perceive the world, and left the orphanage to pursue greater things.

On her wanderings throughout London, Mary (age 15), heard tale of the awesome, righteous, and glorious "America". Intrigued by this country of infinite opportunity, she boarded the HMS Peruvian Viper and made sail across the Pacific Ocean on July 9, 1836.

So ends the Early Life of Mary Poppins, and a new, better life begins.

The Miracle
The most miraculous miracle of Mary Poppins' life occured during the passage from her homeland to America.

As Mary stood at the edge of the ship, seeing and hearing nothing, as she always had, a mysterious voice spoke from beside her. "What's up." It was Jesus, the Lord and Savior, Founder of the Republican party, but Mary did not know if this man because her parents had been satan-loving liberals. The sailors around her fell to their knees, as Jesus laid his hands on her eyes, and she could at last, see. Jesus stuck around for the last 30 minutes of the voyage, and they talked about popular topics of the 19th century, such as carpentry and the OC. Jesus expressed his concerns and hopes that the next season would be better than the last.

Career
Mary Poppins found ample money in America, first working as a hot waitress, then as a tour guide on Disney's Jungle Cruise. However, she was prone to frequent gambling sprees, and found it difficult to keep the money she earned. After an extensive 7 months in rehab, she enrolled in The Academy of Nanny Pharmaceuticals & Co. and gained her Master's Degree in competitive bull fighting. With this achievement under her belt, she began work as a nanny for a small working class family. The family soon discovered, after listening to her quaint accent for 5 years, that she was British and they immediately dismissed her from their service.

Depressed and dejected, Mary Poppins took to nasty drinking habits, and lived on the streets for almost a year. But fortune was on her side, for a master at his skill; a plexiglass manufacturer took her under his wing. Literally. She was soon a functioning individual once again. Seizing this opportunity, higher class families requested her services in their own households. She was drawn to a British family, who like her, had come from England and suffered through the same inadequateness of such a desolate wasteland of a country, compared to their current location. America.

Legacy
Her adventures with the Banks family were turned into a Disney motion picture film, although minor adjustments were made to the setting, storyline, and characters.

1) The story takes place in London, where dreams are shattered rather than made. 2) She is not a demonic succubus, as the unnamed actress who played her role is let on to be. 3) There was never a little boy named Michael Banks. He was added into the plot after much concern that the movie wasn't cheesy enough. 4) Mr. Banks did not own a bank, although his name suggests it. He was a crack dealer. 5) In the movie, Jesus does not visit Mary Poppins on a regular basis, as he did throughout her life. They exchanged Magic Cards.

Mary Poppins brought to America widely-used techniques, such as forcing small infants to injest large doses of medication smothered in sweetening. She was also a proud supporter of the Republican party, and was able to renounce her British heritage to become a true American.