Ontario

The information provided here comes from a Red Stater (Kansan) operating covertly out of Toronto, Ontario. Canadians will deny the information given here. Do not believe them.

Facts
Facts about Ontario are unimportant. Actually, "facts" themselves can give someone an impression of an issue that cannot be backed up by opinions. What is offered here is truthiness. Once you have been given truthiness, you can then be free to form your own facts.

General Information
Ontario is located directly north of the Great Lakes. Dominion of the lakes is shared with the US, save for Lake Michigan, which is entirely ruled by America. Canada does not have its own Great Lake and for this reason can never really be great. Do not confuse the province of Ontario with Lake Ontario. Living in the middle of Lake Ontario is much more pleasant than living in the middle of the province of Ontario, even without a boat.

Most people in Ontario live along the border with the US. This is because they all want to be Americans, but being inferior, are not allowed to partake in our greatness. Like a stray cat, they huddle against America's warm door and occasionally are provided sweet, sweet milk by the benevolent Americans in terms of hockey players and processed meats. In turn, Ontario must provide America with its best maple syrup and comedians.

Toronto
Ontario is the crankiest of Canadian provinces, mostly due to Toronto. Toronto is the largest city in Ontario as well as Canada. Even though Ontario is larger than Texas, one third of its population resides in Toronto. This makes people very cranky because they want to be rude to each other, but because they are Canadians, they cannot. Toronto also has absolutely no culture and there is no reason to visit it, though the Torontonians would have you believe otherwise. Toronto, in the local vernacular, is pronouced "Tor-on-oh." Canadians are heavily taxed on their usage of the letter T making it necessary to conserve where possible. Toronto is also the provincial capital, making it as important to world events as Topeka, Kansas, or Helena, Montana. Toronto is also home to the "CN Tower" or Canadian National Tower. Because of the severe inferiority complex Canadians suffer due to their proximity with America, they erected this tower out of chewing gum and hockey sticks in a pathetic gesture of greatness. Urban myth states that this tower will crumble when the last hippie dies, only being held together with hippie will.

Ottawa, the "Capital"
Ottawa is also in Ontario. Ottawa is advertised as the capital of Canada, but everyone knows that the capital is really Toronto since that is what Americans believe. Canada pretended to move its capital from Toronto to Ottawa under the reign of Pierre Trudeau (1968-79, 1980-84) just to make Americans looks stupid. Ottawa is where you can see the Royal Canadian Mounted Police (RCMP) or "Mounties" guarding Parlaiment Hill. When you become a Mounty, you are required, by law, to change your name to Dudley Dooright.

Thunder Bay
Thunder Bay is another "large" city in Ontario. It is on the northern coast of Lake Superior. They have a museum with exhibitions such as "Read All About It: A History of Newspapers in Thunder Bay" and "Victorian Tea." The Thunder Bay Museum is a good place to take your children if you hate them.

Windsor
Windsor is just across the lake from Detroit. The Windsorians take pride in the fact they are not Detroit. What they are is jealous of Detroit for its fine, waterfront industry and its exciting nightlife. Don't let Canadians convince you that Windsor is safer than Detroit. People in Windsor sin in their hearts, and we all know that is just as bad.

Niagara Falls
Niagara Falls is near Buffalo, New York (Ontario is also known as "Upper New York". Canadians will also try to convince you that their side of the Falls is superior to the American side.  Again, jealousy.  The Canadian side might be higher, but the American side is wider, thus better.  There are a number of vineyards near Niagara Falls that produce "ice wine" or wine made from frozen grapes.  This makes sense because Ontario is frozen for eleven months out of the year.

Non-urban Ontario
The rest of Ontario is full of biting insects, bears, and snow.

History
Ontario was once known as "Upper Canada." A brand of local beer is still known as "Upper Canada." Quebec was "Lower Canada." They were forced to join 150 years ago and they are both still mad about it. Teenagers from Montreal exact their revenge on Ontario by coming to Toronto and driving recklessly.

Ontario was important in the War of 1812, where the Americans bombed then-York into submission so badly that they had to change the name to "Toronto". The Canadians have been in a reverent fear of America ever since.

Because having a history was too expensive to maintain, Ontario's history ceased by government order in 1951. If you attempt to find information about Ontario after this time, it is likely government propaganda, created in a dingy office in the basement of Queen's Park. It should not be believed.

Dangerous
As mentioned above, most of Ontario is uninhabitable due to bears. Even if you survive the bears, you will be eaten by Black Flies and Noseeums. Black flies are voracious swarms of large flies, similar to horseflies, that will devour you to your very bones. Noseeums are microscopic flying mites that consume what is left after the black flies have their way with you. They do not affects bears because they signed a non-aggression pact with them in the 1898 Hudson Bay Accords. Neither bears nor black flies negotiate with humans.

Obnoxious
Ontario is also rife with caribou and beavers. Canadians love caribou and beavers so much they put them on their money. Instead of depicting awe-inspiring symbols of national greatness such as the bald eagle or stately architecture, Canadians enjoy putting harmless animals on their money. The caribou is featured on the quarter, and the beaver is on the back of a nickel.

Hippies (Both Dangerous and Obnoxious)
There are also a great number of hippies in Ontario, which must be counted among the wildlife. Almost all Canadians are part hippie, but Ontario has more of them, and they are more aggressive hippies than, say, are found in the province of Alberta where conservatives and the oil industry thrive and hippies are under strict control. If you are traveling to Ontario, do not forget your "hippie ripper" - a nail clipper. Hippies are generally so stoned that they can be fended off by the pointy nail file, known in their lingo as "the buzzkill."

Traveling to Ontario
You probably shouldn't, but if you insist upon doing so, or are required by business, here are a few things to keep in mind:

Driving
The Canadians use the Metric System. This means that if you see road signs saying "80 km/hr" you need to remember that you should go about twice that speed, or 160 mph. Also, because Canada was once part of Britain, you also need to remember to drive on the left hand side of the road. Canadians are bad drivers and they will try to drive like we do, on the right side, because they are jealous. If they honk at you, which they probably won't because their politeness will not allow them to, just ignore them and give them the middle finger. This is actually a friendly jesture in Canada, especially if you have American plates on your car.

Currency
You will need to change your money. Canadians are also jealous of American money, which is why it looks almost exactly like legitimate, US currency, but with the Queen and animals instead of dead white men and majestic national symbols. It is the same size, weight, and theoretical value, and this can be very confusing for Americans. Canadians are so good at pretending to be us that they and their money infiltrates America on a daily basis. It is within your rights to refuse Canadian money in America and you certainly should. It is the "cool" thing we thought it was as children. Don't let their maple leaf pennies fool you - they are worthless. Canadians also use one and two dollar coins which they call "Loonies" and "Toonies". Even they don't take their money seriously. They make dollar coins because their dollars are worthless, as all metal money is. Only paper money has true value. Your pockets will quickly fill up with these large, heavy coins. Be sure to bring along an extra pack mule for all this coinage.

Headgear
Wear a "tuque" (French for "stupid-looking wool hat), preferably with ear flaps and a pom-pon on the top. You will blend right in with the locals in Ontario and will not be suspected as an American.  If you are found out as being American, you will have to endure questions about why America is so conservative and anti-environmental.  You want to avoid this confrontation as people in Ontario are quick to anger on these subjects, being hippies.  If you forget your tuque, you'd better make sure to have a well-oiled "hippie ripper" on hand.

Habitable Locales
Keep to the cities. Remember the bears, the bugs, and the snow. No tuque or fingernail clipper can save you from them.

Additional Information/Warnings
People from Ontario, or "Ontarionites", are the most dangerous Canadians. They do not have the pent-up anger and seething hatred as do the Quebecquois. Rather, they are trained in vast camps at a young age to pretend to be Americans, thereby luring you into a false sense of security. Beware of what you say while in Ontario. Any additional information about America they can secure will only allow them to blend in better.

Tim Hortons
Do not go into a Tim Hortons. These are the spawning ponds of Ontario. Lured by the smooth, smooth coffee and tenderest of donuts within, the Ontarians (variant) will line up around the corner for these goodies and, having infiltrated, will lurk around tiny, non-functional tables in crowded corners and plot their next move against America. As well, if you ingest any of the offerings at a Tim Hortons, you may turn into a hippie. They probably put drugs in their products as they are extremely addictive, especially the "Timbits" or donut holes (be especially weary of the chocolate ones).

Beer
Do not insult their beer. People from Ontario are relatively docile, probably due to lethargy caused by the Tim Hortons fare, but they will turn on you if you make derogatory comments about their beer. Your American palate is much more sophisticated, especially if you can tell the difference between Budweiser and Coors, but you must not mock the Canadians for their ignorance of these fine products. The beers in Canada are too full of flavor, body, and alcohol content, and lack any sort of watery delicacy. Naturally, they are inferior, but keep this to yourself and tell your friends about it when you get back to America. Millions of Americans are cast into Northern Ontario each year for insulting the beer, only to be devoured by the bears and insects. They will insult American beer, but do not fall into that trap and expose yourself. Keep your tuque on tightly and just say "eh!"

Roo 01:54, 7 November 2006 (UTC)