Canadian Government

Canadians cannot be trusted. They try their best to look and act like Americans, but there are some deep differences between us which will always render them unworthy of true freedom.

Political Structure
For starters, Canada is part of the British Commonwealth. The Queen is still in charge here. Obviously, their commitment to democracy is a farce. Technically, they are a federal constitutional monarchy. That's right, Canada is a monarchy. This "parliamentary democracy" line is just to keep America from invading.

Governor General
Canada has a Governor General, appointed by the Queen, to keep Canada in order. Currently, the Governor General is Michaëlle Jean, who I am told is a black woman, but it is difficult to confirm this as I, like Stephen Colbert, do not see someone's race or gender.

The Governor General is also the Commander-in-Chief of the Canadian military. Canada is currently deployed overseas in Afghanistan, where they have built a Tim Hortons in Kandahar, Afghanistan to keep up the Canadians' spirits.

Prime Minister
Canada has a Prime Minister who is in charge of the Parliament, the elected body of Canada. The current Prime Minister is Stephen Harper, a conservative from Alberta. He is in charge of a minority government, but since Canada doesn't have a real democracy, it is not worth explaining what this means.

Parliament
Canadians delude themselves into believing they live in a democracy by electing representatives to the lower body of their form of Congress. Canadians don't get to elect anyone in the upper house, or the Senate. The Prime Minister appoints Senators for life. See what a great democracy they have?

Military
Canada has both a domestic military in the form of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police, and an external military in the form of two submarines that are not seaworthy, six old Spitfires on loan from the British Museum, and over a dozen ground troops. However, the might of the Canadian military should not, under any circumstances, be underestimated. Why? Because the Canadian government has signed a secret pact with the bears. Read about the Great Bear Incident and the government's involvement in the revolt.

Ties to Bears
As mentioned above, the Canadian government is an ally to bears. With the election of conservative Stephen Harper, the bears have been pushed back, but Canadians are liberal hippies and are easily swayed by the bear agenda.

The Canadian government also issues coins with bears on them called "Toonies". It is also working hard to protect the polar bears, whose environment is being "impacted" by "global warming". Clearly, the Canadian government cannot be trusted by anyone who is an enemy to bears, which is most of us. Bears are soulless killing machines. They will eat you and anyone you care about.

Currently, the Canadian government is preparing for the Bear uprising of 2012. They will lend comfort and aid to the bears, aiding them in their takeover of the United States. It is difficult to believe the bears could succeed without this support as their supply lines to the North would be cut off if the Canadians were not complicit in their takeover. Any red-blooded American knows that Canadians are only biding their time until they invade. They are currently amassing themselves along the border. The bears are right behind them.