Stephen Hawking/Featured

Stephen Hawking is a theoretical physicist of mediocre esteem. Really, a "theoretical" physicist? I'm sure that'll win us a lot of "theoretical" wars. The other physicists only let him hang around with them out of pity since he's in a wheelchair, although it's largely agreed that Hawking is probably faking the whole cripple thing anyway. Hawking claims he suffers from amyotrophic lateral sclerosis, also known as Lou Gehrig's disease. If this were true, wouldn't it be called Stephen Hawking disease? I can't believe no one's called him out on this one yet. A typical lecture by Hawking has been summarized as follows:

''The Euclidean path integral over all topologically trivial metrics can be done by time slicing and so is unitary when analytically continued to the Lorentzian. On the other hand, the path integral over all topologically non-trivial metrics is asymptotically independent of the initial state. Thus the total path integral is unitary and information is not lost in the formation and evaporation of black holes. The way the information gets out seems to be that a true event horizon never forms, just an apparent horizon.'' -GR Conference website Whatever, bitch. Jesus, what an asshole. By the way, where does this guy get off "lecturing" us in the first place? What could YOU possibly lecture ME about? It sure isn't walking. Thankfully, someone is finally standing up to Hawking: Stephen Colbert does a shockingly accurate impression of this clown that has surely bumped him down a couple of pegs.

Factoids

 * Is Stephen Colbert's least favorite theoretical physicist.