Acts of God

Acts Of God or "Natural Disasters" are events that are created by God in response to his disapproval of the sinful behavior of the Immoral Minority, weed out the unfaithful, or to test his children.

Tornado
Tornadoes are storms that create damaging winds. These winds so great that they are capable of lifting houses and dropping them on witches. It is for this reason that tornadoes are another way in which God "suffers not a witch to live".

A popular tornado myth says that one will be safe if they go in their basement during a tornado. This may work well for a surface tornado, but it is totally ineffective against a "basement tornado".

Tornadoes aid tremendously in the otherwise stagnant rate of occupancy turnover in trailer parks. This is mainly because somehow trailer homes act as a "magnet" to tornadoes. Considering this, the most effective method of surviving a tornado remains for one to get into a car, and drive away from it...works every time!

Hurricane

 * For more information, see main article: Hurricane

Hurricanes are giant swirling storms which are said to originate in the fictitious continent of Africa. They give groups such as the Red Cross an opportunity to "fundraise" and stuff their coffers with the cash of sympathetic, but ignorant Americans. Hurricanes create instances of mass evacuations of millions of people, but then again so does Godzilla. Coincidentally both of these two events frequently occur in Japan.

There is no wonder to why hurricanes are all named after women, they have quite a few things in common. For instance, they both have nice comfortable holes in them in which you must successfully navigate the rest of the body to get to. In addition, they both arrive wet and full of energy, then they both unleash their fury and "mudslides". And in the end, they both take off with most of your stuff. On the positive, hurricanes provide an excellent opportunity for George W. Bush to show how much (or how little) he loves black people.

Earthquake

 * For more information, see main article: Earthquake

If you have ever wondered if it was possible to "shake the gay" out of all the pinkos in California? Unfortunately it doesn't work...God has repeatedly tried this, in the form of Earthquakes. But it only seems to exacerbate the situation. As mentioned, earthquakes only happen in godless states such California, and sometimes in Alaska (to keep the bears on their toes).

Although it is of lesser importance to know how earthquakes occur rather than just why, still some theories exist explaining their development. One explanation could be that earthquakes are a result of cave ins of the millions of miles of tunnels dug by illegal aliens in southern California. Earthquakes are also speculated to occur when everyone either flushes their toilets all at the same time, or as a result of seismic waves traveling through the Earth when every Chinese person decides to jump up and down at the same time.

Flood
Floods are an Act of God that offers a greater amount of photo ops than your average disaster. What other disaster would you be able to see pictures of Firemen rescue kittens from trees? Or people rowing canoes down Main St.? Or even the oft-used cliché photograph of Black people looting convenience stores? Good luck finding another such disaster.

Floods most often occur near or below sea level. So the best way in which one could avoid being involved in a flood, is to not live in flood prone areas. It is surprising how many people don't realize this after even after their house is under 15 feet of water.

Famous Acts of God
It is no coincidence that many of the natural disasters cited above have occurred in the Godless State of California. Here are some of the more notable.

The Central China Floods (1931)
The flooding of the Yellow River caused an estimated that 3.7 to 4.0 million deaths (apparently they never passed swimming lessons)...although no one noticed because it only consisted 1/2000th of China's population.

Hurricane Katrina (2005 AD)
act of vengeance to rid the city of new orleans of looters by drowning.