Animals

Animals are creatures created by God for the sole purpose to provide humans with food, companionship, and entertainment. Otherwise they have no reason for existing. Like everything on America's Planet, some animals are considered good, and others considered evil. But besides good and bad, animals can be grouped by similar characteristics, such as being edible or inedible, but mostly they are split up into five categories (as seen below).

Furry Animals
Furry Animals, or "Mammals" to those on the Nerd Patrol, are animals who are characterized by being soft when you pet them. Of course, some of these fuzzy animals you would not want to get too close to, let alone, pet (for example Bears!). Besides being covered with fur, one may tell Furry Animals from others by the presence of external sex organs. That's right, most Furry Animals are unabashed perverts. Not only can you see Furry balls, but often a Furry penis too, and that's just on the males.

Examples of Furry Animals: Land Lions, Bears, Cats, and Raccoons.



Feathered Animals
Feathered animals, sometimes called "birds", are creatures that have feathers, make lots of noise, and fly. Feathered Animals are very colorful, and can represent many things, including many national symbols. Our Bald Eagle represents the United States, it soars through the air, ready to strike at any animal that is a perceived threat. Another perfect match of Bird and Nation is the Rooster with France. The rooster, also known as the "Cock", is a national symbol that represents France's sense of self-importance, flamboyance, annoying alarms, and her inability to stay airborne for longer than 13 seconds.

Examples of Feathered Animals: Stephen Jr., Bats, Chickens, and Owls.

Bugs
Bugs are tiny, creepy, little animals whose purpose in life is to both, annoy and provide food for larger animals. Humans should however, never eat bugs. The reason being that our Stephen refuses to eat them (See Dr. Colbert's guest in Episode 354). Bugs are really good at climbing, digging, flying, stinging, and reproducing.

Examples of Bugs: Snails, Jellyfish, Bees, and Gila Monsters.

Frogs 'N Shit
Animals that are considered Frogs 'n shit are animals that feel kind of like slimy, fish, but somehow they are able to live outside of water. Some even live in both water and on land. Frogs 'n shit are usually poisonous, evil, and untrustworthy. The gut has warned humans of the wrongness of these slippery creatures for thousands of years now (apparently Eve's gut was not big enough). Frogs 'n shit usually reproduce by the hundreds, so like bears (although for different reasons), they are practically unstoppable. ''Examples of Frogs 'N Shit: Box Turtle, Hermit Crabs, Snakes, and Platypus.

Fish
Fish are animals that live in water. Naturally, many people get confused when trying to identify these sodden critters, so here is the best way to identify a fish: If it lives in water and no where else, you know without exception, it's a fish. Fish are one of the two (Furry Animals being the other) types of animals that are known to eat a human. Practically every member of the shark family are known to hunt humans, as seen in the movie Jaws.

Examples of Fish: Blue Fish, Alligators, Whales, and Anthrax.

Where Animals Live
Besides in zoos, Animals live all over the world, except (for unknown reasons) in areas around Chernobyl, Russia and near Three Mile Island in Pennsylvania. Animals do not complain about the housing market and want the government to bail them out. Each animal is responsible for their own housing. Some animals build nests, others dig tunnels, yet others bore holes in trees, and still more live in caves.

Unique Animal Housing
While all animals have different types of homes, some animals have truely unique dwellings. One such animals is the Beaver. Beavers use their teeth to cut down trees (why aren't tree huggers after the beavers?). They then use the fallen trees to block rivers.

Animals such as the Meerkat seemed to have learned from the Vietcong in the Vietnam War. For they dig an elaborate maze of underground tunnels which are designed to confuse their enemies.

Provide Food
The main purpose of an animal's existance is for humans to eat them. Most animals are very tasty, and are a unique part of the cuisine in many parts of the world. Some of the more popular animals to eats are cows and chickens in the USA, horses in Europe, pigs in Muslim and Jewish regions, and dogs in Asia.

Faithful Companions
When not kept around just for food, some animals make excellent (non-sexual) companions or "pets". Cats and dogs are popular, but others have more unique animals as pets. For example, Dr. Stephen Colbert has a pet goldfish named Anthrax.

Entertain Us
Yet other animals are meant to give us (non-sexual) pleasure. Some animals are easily fooled into performing tricks in exchange for fish. Specific examples of animals entertaining include Horses that run around in circles, the fast breeding elephant is used in circuses, and whales who splash people.

Plot The Destruction Of The Human Race

 * See main articles: Bears & Bear Uprising of 2012

Unfortunately, there are some beasts that remain uncontrolled by man. These animals would like nothing more than to destroy mankind. Animals known to plan the destruction of the human race include sharks, octopuses, and the ever crafty wolf.

However terrifying the above animals may be, no discussion of plotting animals would be complete without the mention of bears. Bears are godless killing machines, and the #1 threat to all of humanity. Bears are currently preparing for their attempted take over in the year 2012 as predicted in the Mayan Calendar.

An Unholy Balance: Good Animals vs. Bad
As you well know, the world was created by God in 4004 BC. Lesser known is the fact that God created both good and evil animals, with good animals outnumbering bad ones. Sadly, due to the moral decay in today's society, this ratio is now approaching evenness.

Patriotic Animals
On the side of "good animals" comes patriotic animals. Patriotic animals serve our country in a number of ways. Navy Seals perform elite operations for the military in the fight on terror, and special US Army dogs are used to clear minefields. No animal symbolizes freedom more than the Bald Eagle. These birds are all heart, and the symbol of the United States. It is for this reason that it is illegal to kill one....unless you are a godless Indian.

Heroic Animals
Like patriotic animals, Heroic animals perform their duties for the benefit of mankind. Once again it is the dog who often performs heroic deeds. Dogs sniff out bombs, drugs, lead the blind, and rescue people out of abandoned mine shafts.

But perhaps the greatest example of animal heroism is not attributed to a dog, but rather a cat. On an early June day in 2006 a black bear approached a suburban New Jersey home in hopes of catching, raping, and eating its human occupants. Ever alert, Jack, a 15 pound house cat, reacted to the threat with an unequaled display of bravery. Jack chased the bear up into a tree...twice, before the bear retreated back into the woods.



Gay Animals
Unfortuanately, some animals are by nature gay have chosen to be gay. It seems that Birds in particular have been overly influenced by the homosexual agenda. These feathered animals include flamingos, seagulls, and even penguins.

Communist Animals
While most animals live in a manner in which they only look out themselves, there are a few who live in a Communist-like society. These animals refuse to look out for themselves, but rather the colony as a whole. These selfishly unselfish creatures, share things with other members of their species, and instead of hiring privitized mercenary companies like Blackwater, every member bands together for a common defense of their colony.

ants ("red" ants especially), termites, prairie dogs