Police Officer

A police officer wears a uniform and carries a gun. He can make you stop your car, or you can make him shoot your tires off, causing your car to run into a tree and catch fire, giving you third degree burns all over your whole body.

Police officers are our friends, unless you have something to hide.



Why do we have police officers?


America has police officers because we are constantly under attack. Liberals and bears want to damage Christmas and eat our honey, respectively. The rest of the world has police officers, because America has them and they like to copy us.

Where can I find a police officer?
Police officers live in the police station and drive in cars, and eat at the donut shop. Police officers are everywhere America needs them to be. Sometimes police officers are inside your computer watching to make sure you don't do anything funny with your tubes.

Sometimes a police man will pretend to be a homosexual and hide in bathrooms to catch them while they do their dirty, dirty business.

What do police officers do?


Police officers uphold the law. Police officers love The Baby Jesus so-o-o much, they sometimes put themselves into harm's way, just so we can go to the store and hear someone say "Merry Christmas" instead of "Happy Hanukkah" or some other satanic phrase.

Because the police do so much to protect America and The Baby Jesus, there is lots and lots of hard work for them to do.

Sometimes a police officer will watch the cars drive around and give tickets to the ones who drive bad.

Some police officers watch the internets for liberals who clog up the tubes or talk bad about The Greatest President Ever.

There are many more jobs for police officers to do, except most of them are in Iraq, cutting down on the number of tickets and unclogged internets tubes. Being in Iraq has lowered the crime rate in America!

Other police investigative sub-divisions include:
 * Vice Squad
 * Homicide Division
 * Narcotics Division
 * Gang Unit
 * Auto Theft Division
 * Missing Persons Unit
 * Airport Bathroom Detail
 * Special Victims Unit

Who can become a police officer?
Daddies make really good police officers. The police have schools where they can teach daddies to become police officers. If a daddy is angry all the time, he can be a good police officer. If a daddy lives with another daddy, he will go to hell. Anyone capable of placing those around them in two separate groups...the good folks and everyone else including speeders, drunks and the mentally insane.

What kinds of equipment do police officers have?


Police officers must be able to find bad guys where ever they hide, so police officers must have the very best equipment to catch them.


 * Authority
 * guns
 * bullets
 * pens
 * computers
 * cars
 * high-powered surveillance microphones
 * infra-red cameras
 * warrants (maybe not so much anymore)
 * DNA

Police officers also use special equipment on routine traffic stops, such as:
 * tasers
 * tear gas
 * night sticks
 * attack dogs
 * firehoses

External Tubes

 * Heroic Policeman's Tube
 * Alternate Heroic Policeman's Tube!
 * Public Service Announcement with advice for citizens curious about avoiding arrest
 * Police arrests terrorist foreigner
 * Police to loose power to protect us
 * Police arrests whore
 * Police arrests dangerous man
 * Police captures dangerous drunk!
 * Police arrest attorney for disliking da police; attorney claims "bogus free speech" Police arrest gay man in connection to terrorism!
 * Police seeks escaped convict: calls for legendary tracking dog to hunt him down
 * Police Arrests Jackie Chan; Calls National Guard for back up!
 * Police to be honored with "Medal of Freedom"
 * Cop on Cop Violence
 * Sheriff Congratulates deputies
 * London Police to reduce street crime
 * Police to receive Award of the Year
 * Police Officer shots deranged lunatic: "It was self-defense!". Officer to receive commendation
 * Police Officer bravely defeats deranged mad man
 * Police officer wins Wii Championship!
 * Police use taiser on deranged lunatic
 * Police captures dangerous fat feminazi and taisers her into submission
 * Brave Officer to receive the Medal of Heroism
 * Police Officer promises to hunt down pedobear
 * Police arrests gays
 * Police officer assaults special ed student bravely arrests dangerous black man
 * Police Officers mistakenly shots home owner and attempts cover up while threatening his family Brave police officers shots dangerous Hispanic man and arrest suspects. No evidence of foul play found... except the 911 tape recording
 * Police captures dangerous black lady. Wal-Mart to receive Medal of Freedom
 * Police officer invest in Rape Kits
 * Police captures dangerous chinese terrorist
 * Police uncovers no crime against police. Great Job!
 * Police arrested demented girl
 * Police captures cartoon