Global Warming/Featured

Global Warming, like The Internets, is a complex consumer confidence scam put forth onto the American public by Al Gore and the Weather Channel. Al Gore claims that we will all die the day after tomorrow if we do not give him lots of money to invest into so-called "green" technologies. This is really an attack on Stephen Colbert because he knows the real threat we face &mdash; the bear uprising of 2012. Colbert knows the truth and Mr. Gore wants to silence this.

Origin of The Myth
The global warming "theory" was created by a cabal of liberal secular scientists, who held a series of secret meetings with Al Qaeda to draw up the Ultimate Plan to Destroy American Civilization.

With the help of nefarious forces such as bears, this Satanic coalition created a gigantic unholy edifice, the Scientific Establishment, whose aim was to discredit capitalism and facilitate a New World Order of Islamo-Communism &mdash; all by spreading the cruel lie of global warming. This Scientific Establishment then proceeded to create an oppressive hierarchy of inquisitors called the "IPCC", whose function was to spread the Word of Satan and burn disbelievers at the stake.

The Movie that Wasn't a Movie
This unchristian movement reached its peak when Al Gore created his anti-American "movie", An Inconvenient Truth. While this "movie" was in fact truth nothing more than a long Apple Macintosh Keynote PowerPoint presentation, it did succeed in scaring lots of little children into believing that they may die the next day. The "movie" also brainwashed many well-intentioned Americans into thinking that global warming is very real, that it is caused by carbon emissions from God-loving, capitalism-loving companies, and that Al Gore is a good man who will save everyone.

The Satanic Church of Global Warming
And thus, global warming soon became a religion in its own right &mdash; a church! Al Gore was the pope and prophet of doom of this new church; the "IPCC" were its high priests and book-burners; and its street preachers were the Liberal Media and the hippie tree-huggers who continually chanted the false mantra of "global warming", and tried to foster guilt trips in you and me by showing pictures of innocent-looking furry animals and snazzy-looking tables and diagrams.

This newly-formed Church of Global Warming was very powerful indeed. Within a few months, it quickly rose in prominence to become one of the most well-known branches of the Church of Our Father Below. The godless sodomites of Babylon ignored the heavy snowfall in the east and gave An Inconvenient Truth a miniature golden idol for the tree-huggers of America to kneel down to. The Nobel Committee pledged their allegiance to Lucifer, by awarding a Nobel Prize jointly to the evil "IPCC" and Gore. Even Christians were being conned into giving away all their money and worldly possessions to "help" the poor people "affected" by global warming.

Meanwhile...
Fortunately the forces of righteousness, led by Philip Morris and ExxonMobil, had not been slacking. With their powers of godly science, they successfully found the Plain Truth about global warming, and also uncovered Gore's diabolical plan to create a Dictatorial World Government by selling carbon credits.



Global Warming? What?
Indeed, even before Al Gore made his treasonous "movie", the righteous forces had conducted a series of rigorous scientific experiments on global warming, and found that global warming does not actually exist.

For one thing, the good scientists discovered that the so-called global warming "theory" was based merely on unholy things known as "climate models". Liberal tree-huggers claim that these "models" accurately predict climate change, because they fit with past climate observations. However, the truthy truth is that this is utterly meaningless, as the "models" have been specifically crafted, manipulated, and distorted to fit with past data in the first place! What is more, these "models" can easily be made to fit any data!

For instance, tree-huggers claim that a "climate model" created by NASA's James Hansen and other liberals in 1988 showed "remarkable" accuracy in predicting climate change all the way to 2006. This can only mean that in 2006, Hansen's team tweaked their 1988 "model" in unspecified ad hoc ways to make it work all the way to 2006!

Furthermore, even though Hansen's "models" have obviously been rigged so that they can fit any data, our scientists of righteousness actually found that the "models" do not fit the actual historical climate at all! This seeming contradiction is merely a reminder to us that God is Great.

Global Warming, Not Our Fault
Not only did our righteous scientists find that global warming does not exist; they also found that global warming does exist, and the main cause is not carbon emissions from American companies; more precisely, they found that the main cause of global warming is
 * the sun;
 * the cows;
 * China and India;
 * terrorists and Saddam Hussein;
 * Al Gore;
 * liberalism; and
 * tree-huggers.

In summary, each and every one of the above has been found to be the true culprit responsible for global warming which does not exist. (This may seem contradictory to a factonista, but recall that the Lord God works in mysterious ways.)

Furthermore, in December 2006, the planet started to grow cold, and this resulted in snow forcing many airports, notably Denver's, to close. The very existence of winter shows that not only is global warming not occurring, but that an ice age has settled in.

Global Warming is Good!
What is more, the forces of righteousness found that global warming &mdash; which does not exist &mdash; is actually an extremely good thing:
 * More money in ExxonMobil's pockets means more jobs for everyone.
 * Burning of fossil fuels creates massive amounts of carbon dioxide, and plants love carbon dioxide.
 * Fewer polar bears at the North Pole means more land for Americans to live and work and play golf in.
 * Rising temperatures mean more warm places to vacation in, and more tanning days.
 * A melting icecap and the resulting rise in sea level lifts all boats!

This may contradict the thesis that global warming is caused by liberalism, and liberalism is bad. However, it can quickly be seen that global warming is only beneficial when caused by patriotic Americans; global warming caused by liberals, on the other hand, is always harmful.

The First Epic Battle
Anyway, with the release of Gore's "movie", the forces of righteousness had to act fast. And they did &mdash; Praise the Lord! Using the arcane skills of the truthitician-necromancer, they amassed a mighty army of 400 scientists to wage war against Gore and the "IPCC". Alas, the 400 scientists were defeated by a couple of hippie liberals.

The Second Epic Battle
In the first epic battle, the righteous side learnt that necromancy was not a very good technique, and in any case it was not particularly Christian. Therefore, for the second Global Warming Battle, they instead gathered a legion of 100 men, who were anointed personally by God as climate scientists. This turned out to be another victory for the forces of evil.

The Third Epic Battle
Truly, the climatology credentials granted by God were powerful, but still not enough to overcome the credentials of Satan's legions. For the third battle, the righteous side sent out a legion of 4 climate scientists &mdash; Douglass, Pearson, Singer, and Christy. Unfortunately, the brave scientists were burnt at the stake for various scientific technicalities which none of us should need to know about.

The Fourth Epic Battle
After the sacrifice of the four scientists, the forces of good &mdash; following the example of freedom-loving Galileo &mdash; decided to wipe out the sinful theory of global warming by invoking the power of American law. This power, however, never materialized.

And the War Continues
While the forces of justice are currently at a disadvantage, we all know that with God's help, the tides will turn, and the great ExxonMobil will emerge victorious. God Bless America!

The Science of Global Warming
Global warming is a subject of science, and as such it involves complex-looking figures and equations such as

$$\mathrm{E}[\bar X] = \mu$$

and big words such as "troposphere", "radiosonde", and "anthropogenic". Therefore, the best way to understand the research done on global warming is to read about the work of scientists filtered through
 * the brains of politicians such as Gore and Inhofe; followed by
 * the brains of industry journalists such as TechCentralStation; followed by
 * the brains of, well, newspaper journalists; and finally
 * your gut.

Indeed, after this rigorous scientific process, you will realize that the so-called global warming "theory" can easily be refuted with a simple theorem.

Theorem: God is Still Up There
This theorem, due to Senator Inhofe, uses sound principles of Aristotlean logic to refute global warming.



The proof requires the following lemma:


 * Lemma &#937;: God exists.

This lemma is proven as follows:


 * Premise: God is great.
 * Premise: If God does not exist, then He is not great.
 * Conclusion: Therefore, God exists.

With this lemma in place, we can now lay out Inhofe's theorem:


 * Premise: God is great.
 * Lemma &#937;: God exists.
 * Premise: If God allows global warming to destroy the earth, then He is not great.
 * Conclusion: Nixo facto, God will not allow global warming to destroy the earth.
 * Conclusion: Therefore, we need do nothing about global warming. Which means...
 * Conclusion: Global warming is a myth. QED.

External Tubes

 * Know thy enemy
 * Dirty hippie liberals who do not bathe
 * Skeptic Arguments &mdash; anti-ExxonMobil propaganda ostensibly in the form of "debunkings"; obviously written by traitors
 * "Global warming" on SourceWatch, another anti-American web site
 * Why does Nexus 6 hate Steve McIntyre so much?
 * Andrew Dessler thinks he can manage the earth's climate better than ExxonMobil the Wizard of Oz
 * Sylvia Tognetti has a problem with free speech
 * Unspeak wages war against the friendly carbon dioxide
 * Ivory-tower elitist academics
 * A talk on "The American Denial of Global Warming", by eco-jihadist suicide bomber Naomi Oreskes
 * The power of the free market
 * Green Hosting Reviews &mdash; the very existence of this site clearly shows that global warming is nothing to worry about!