Quetzalcoatl

Quetzalcoatl is the god of the Aztecs and hippies. Like Mohammed and Charles Darwin, he is a false god. We know Quetzalcoatl is a false god because he is half bird and half snake. Seriously, how stupid is that? The God of America, who will make everyone disappear at the end of the world and leave their clothes behind, is so much more rational. It is unclear how anyone could think otherwise.

Because the Aztecs worshipped this ridiculous false god, the jealous true God sent Hernan Cortes to punish them. No, there is no credibility in the alternative theories that Cortes was the returning Quetzalcoatl. The Christian God says that Quetzalcoatl is not a real god, so logically we must believe what the Christian God says.

In modern times, Quetzalcoatl has a new prophet, the drugged-up hippy named Daniel Pinchbeck. God intends to someday use Stephen Colbert as a new Cortes to smite this new incarnation of Satan. However, God and Stephen are willing to leave Pinchbeck alone for now because he doesn't believe in evolution. After all, a scientific theory is a much bigger threat than people worshipping a god they found through psychedelic drugs.