Jesus Christ

Jesus Christ is Our Lord and Savior, not to be confused with Jebus. Jesus died for our sins on a cross and now all we have to do is confess our sins and believe in Him and we get to go to Heaven. Pretty sweet deal, right? Well at least for us. For some reason, liberals can't seem to get it together to save their godless souls. Just makes more room for the rest of us at the all-you-can-eat shrimp buffet in Heaven.

More than one Jesus appearing to you at a time are called "Jesi", pronounced like the "jee" in "golly-jee" and "zi" as in "Zionist pig".

Politics


Jay-ZUS! is the founder of the Republican party, as, sensibly, he believed in Himself. It's noteworthy that, in keeping with his constant attempts to thwart Jesus, Judas (also known as Satan) started the Democrats.

Jesus developed the military doctrine of "Preemptive Smite" that has turned Iraq into a stable democracy. Evil liberals would have you believe he was a wimpy pacifist. However, when he said "turn the other cheek", he meant so you could wind up a good uppercut to the jaw.

What you should believe
You should believe in one God, the Father, the Almighty. Maker of heaven and earth, of all that is seen and unseen.

Jesus's Glorious Return
Jesus's return to America is IMMINENT! He will come in glory to judge the living and the dead, specifically non-Christians, gays, liberals, communists, and anyone who makes The Baby Jesus cry. His return will be immediately followed by the Apocalypse (look it up), during which all those judged impure will be sent straight to hell. One of the only surefire ways to guarantee yourself a place in heaven during the Apocalypse is to wear a "Welcome Jesus" t-shirt, as sported by Stephen Colbert on The Report, durnig His return.

Factoids

 * Jesus is right-handed, like all Christians.
 * The only language spoken by Jesus is American.
 * Jesus is a life member of the NRA.
 * After walking on water, Jesus invented the swift boat.
 * Jesus' favorite hockey team is the Saginaw Spirit. They win because he is on their side.  In fact, he is on the Spirit roster (Team Messiah) and wears #490, which is seventy times seven.  The Spirit, who are the only American team in the Ontario Hockey League, frequently pummel godless Canadians into submission, as this is the Lord's work.
 * While it is argued by some that Jesus might be black, true Americans (like Stephen Colbert) who can't see people's color wouldn't know the difference anyway.
 * When compared with all the non-Christian (false) deities, Jesus is the most ripped, except for perhaps Thor, but he's all about muscle mass while Jesus is about being toned.
 * Can do more situps than anyone else in the world (when he's not nailed to a cross). Check out that six-pack!
 * The obvious superiority of Christianity over Buddhism can be seen when comparing Jesus's six-pack to Buddha's blubbery mid-region.
 * Jesus is Allah's cousin. They met only once, and talked about beards. Jesus has a brown beard, but Allah has a black beard. Allah has a longer beard. Jesus is commonly accepted to have a more intense beard, though. And he's more photogenic than Allah. Much more photogenic. Hell, Jesus is a camera whore.
 * Contrary to popular belief, it was recently revealed on The Report that George Bush is not Jesus or God, but personally chosen by him as a middle man.
 * Jesus saves lives and then redeems them for valuable prizes.
 * Jesus is the wind beneath Superman's wings.
 * Jesus is widely regarded as one of the greatest NASCAR drivers ever, despite only starting seventeen races in his career. He has won eighteen NASCAR races, including the first Daytona 500 in 1958.
 * Despite what The Bible says, Jesus hates hobos. They dirty up his holy self.
 * Jesus beat the owner of the planetoid Pluto, the group known as Monty Python in an arm-wrestling competition by growing four extra arms and beating them all. That's why Pluto is so freaking far away.
 * Jesus now has 20% more peanuts.
 * Jesus did not want his religion to be called Christianity. He originally named it Judaism 2.0, but it never stuck.
 * Jesus managed to resurrect himself after death because he drank 13 Red Bull energy drinks before being nailed to the cross.
 * Jesus will one day return on a cloud of money.

Things Jesus Has Been Seen On

 * 1) tortillas
 * 2) Shroud of Turin
 * 3) shadow on woman's floor
 * 4) potatoe chips
 * 5) Sugarloaf Mountain, Rio de Janeiro
 * 6) Winning entry of the 2006 "Green Screen Challenge"
 * 7) Toast sold to casinos
 * 8) An episode of Whose Line is It Anyway?
 * 9) Tacos
 * 10) Billboards
 * 11) Bush campaign commercials

Do Not Also See

 * Jebus
 * The Qur'an