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Wikiality.com is dedicated to bringing news to the internets tubes. We like our news fresh and truthy, which is why we have introduced this page dedicated to bringing the most fresh and truthy news to all the tubes of the internets!

'''See Also:
 * Daily Poll Write A Caption Bear Watchers Abomination Watch'''

Breaking News Archive

French Kissing Bush
The new president of the French Republic, Nicolas Sarkozy, is cozying up with our honorable greatest president ever George W. Bush at a state dinner on 8th November 2007 while reaffirming the renewed friendship and fellowship between the two great nations of France and America.

Gone are the "Freedom Fries" and the "Liberty Toast"; back are the "French Fries" and the "French Toast" on the dinner menu. Sarkozy, a self-declared Amerophile and Conservative, is making an 180 degree shift in foreign policy for the mighty French Republic.

With the heated rhetoric between the French president and the Iranian president, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, and the demand from France for Iran to stop her nuclear program, Americans can be assured that the French will be there if and when Bush decides to invade Iran before the end of his presidency in 2008.

While the exact detail of the conversation between Bush and Sarkozy remains unknown and classified, experts believed that there is only so many ways on how America and France may decide to invade Iran. The most popular theory is to tie the Iranian Assault Rifles found on the Iraqi terrorists to the presence of Iranian Soldiers in Iraq and thereby letting president Bush to invade Iran under executive power without Senate approval.

Germany Takes Chess-Boxing Title
"Anti-Terror" Frank Stoldt, German representative, shown the iron will of Germany by taking the world championship title for Chess-Boxing against David "Double-D" Depto, American representative on 3rd November 2007.

The ultimate sport of brain and brawn pitted the cute mighty hunky smart American, Double-D, with the equally attractive brave bulky intelligent German, Anti-Terror--by god, they are both so sexy--with a long cycle of tests of wit and strength until a clear checkmate at the seventh round.

Double-D takes black in the first round deploying the Scandinavian Defense, while in the second round both chessboxers launches a fury of jabs and crosses on one another. In the third round, Anti-Terror gain the upper-hand by his experience in chess. Double-D launches attacks in the fourth round trying to make up for losses in chess by boxing while holding on to a strong defense and counterattack through the fifth round. By the sixth round it is clear that the Double-D has little choice but to try to land a knockout before he got checkmated. Knowing this, Anti-Terror just parried the fierce fight from the American and deliver a checkmate against Double-D.

Conan O'Brien Stalked By Deranged Star
The star of NBC's late night version of "The View" was secretly being stalked.

NEW YORK CITY, November 8, 2007-- One of NBC's brightest stars revealed today that he had been the victim of a stalker, his publicist told the press.


 * "Mr. O'Brien is safe and is currently being shielded from this dangerous character."

Mr. O'Brien, who is set to take over The Tonight Show from Jay Leno, is known for his shock of red hair, freckles and pasty-white skin. His own program, The Freakishly White White Guy With The Jewy Bandleader Variety Hour is popular with the college-age set who revel in the seemingly endless cast of random characters from The Bear Who Masturbates and The Wicked Puppy to Triumph, The Dog With Diarrhea and The Gay Band Member.

Wikiality.com has learned that the stalker may have been auditioning his own character and was disgruntled when he was turned down. The character he used, a "Sun" was deemed too retarded to be included on the show and apparently hurt the poor dumbass' feelings when he was informed of this. The stalker then decided to follow O'Brien until he was too tan even for his popular cartoon, "Pale Force".

The unnamed man is in custody until a court date is set and his mandatory $cientology audit is complete and he can be released and declared "mentally fit" and glib-free.

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Rudy Giuliani To Prosecute Boy Who Started California Wildfire
Fresh from bolstering his anti-mob cred, Mr. Giuliani volunteered to punish 10-year old boy.

SAN DIEGO, CAULIFLOWER, November 7, 2007-- Many Cauliflowerians were outraged after finding out terrorists had started the wildfires that burned the important parts of their state, many determined to mete out every punishment imaginable and several yet to be legalized.

At the forefront of the burgeoning California Anti-terrorism movement is America's Mayor: Republican Presidential Candidate and Savior of September 11th, Rudolph Giuliani!

During a press conference, Mr. Guiliani set out his plan to punish the fire terrorists:

"'We have to find out if the suspect knew what he was doing was wrong. he will be questioned to find that out. We have to know what his motives were, who else may have been involved, we will check his parents' phone records.  I will be questioning him myself...Now, intensive questioning works. If I didn’t use intensive questioning, there would be a lot of mafia guys running around New York right now and crime would be a lot higher in New York than it is. Intensive question has to be used."

To assist him in his quest for justice, Mr. Giuliani has assembled a crack team of terrorist fighters:
 * Dick Cheney
 * Ann Coulter
 * Bernie Kerik

The San Diego County Department of Children's Services tried to protest, but by then the child had been removed from the custody of his parents, who were fined and placed under probation. According to witnesses, the defendant was placed onto an unmarked plane for places undisclosed.

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Georgia Declares State Of Emergency!


Within less than a week after South Carolina's Favorite Son dropped out of his presidential run on a platform of destroying Georgia, that state has declared a state of emergency!

ATLANTA, GEORGIA, November 7, 2007-- Georgians are bunkered down for the evening after a curfew was called in response to unrest in the latest volley between the Colbert Nation and Enemies of Freedom!

After hearing that their ideological brethren of the South Carolina Democrat Party had received threats of bodily harm from members of The Colbert Nation and retaliating by refusing to include America's Newsman on their ballot, the situation has worsened further with reports of clashes between the two powerhouses.

"'Riot police officers used tear gas, rubber bullets and water cannon to clear thousands of demonstrators from the streets,' NBC funnyman, Brian Williams reported, continuing, 'A group calling itself the Forum Mujahideen are taking credit, saying they will not stop until a recount of South Carolina Democrat Party votes is performed and made public.'"

Not much else is known at this hour, but members of The Colbert Nation have informed Wikiality.com that they have enough BLT sandwiches, Mountain Dew, Vaxascab and Formula 401 for a long siege.

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Liberals Try To Trick Americans Into Exposing Themselves
Not that there's anything wrong with that...

WASHINGTON, D.C., U.S.A., November 7, 2007-- The liberals who have infiltrated America's executive branch, congressional subcommittee, have employed a dastardly tactic to expose the possible perceived "homosexuality" of Congressional Republicans by introducing a bill to give special protections for homos so they can entrap whoever votes against it in airport bathrooms and label those Christian-Americans homo!

This strategery is called "the Larry" so named after liberals used it against heterosexual, family man and Christ-loving heterosexual, Larry Craig. A group of Republican legislators stood up on the floor of the House to make their displeasure about the bill known (and not, as some would have you believe, to declare their secret homosexuality in a round about way):

"'This type of legislation strikes right at the heart of what is good and traditional about America: the right of tolerant and loving Christian bookstores to not hire anyone who is considered to be contrary to their faith, such as homosexuals and Jew accountants.'"

The Republicans (who are not gay, or even secretly gay) who made their voices heard in opposition to the Employment Non-Discrimination Act (but are not gay just because they seem to be conspicuously anti-gay), are:

The House is currently voting on amendments to the bill, HR3685. Wikiality.com will update this story as soon as the House concludes this exercise in outing the perceived private and personal business of Republican lawmakers.

UPDATE
Nancy Pelosi gaveled the passage of this abomination by a vote of 235 for and 184 against.

Jesus wept.

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The Greatest Presidential Candidate Ever Steps Down For Good Of Nation
He began as a man with a dream and ended his quest as a man still with his dream, but it's now a different dream.

CHARLESTON, SOUTH CAROLINA, November 5, 2007-- As every American took the weekend off trying to comprehend the announcement, the man behind the campaign basked in the accumulated adulation that only a bid for President of South Carolina brings.

Gathering the press at his South Carolina compound, South Carolina's Favorite Son, read a prepared statement,

"'Although I lost by the slimmest margin in presidential election history — only 10 votes — I have chosen not to put the country through another agonizing Supreme Court battle...It is time for this nation to heal.'"

Citizens are joining this Great American in his time of weeping for the duration.

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It's Official: Unions Hate America
The Hollywood Reporter is saying that due to the writers' union going on strike most late night shows will go dark starting Monday, November 5, 2007.

SODOM & GOMORRAH, CAULIFLOWER, November 5, 2007-- The word is out and it is not good for truthiness. The Hollywood writers' union, the WGA, is ordering all their hippie members to begin a strike against American corporations beginning Monday, November 5, 2007. This will have a dire effect on every American who loves truthiness. Adding to the insult of preventing Americans from seeing Stephen Colbert 4 nights a week, The Hollywood Reporter is saying, The View will go on as scheduled!

"'The View will continue, without interruption, a gaggle of spokeswomen screamed to the media while they combed each other's hair."

Since October 17, 2005, America has been blessed with an uninterrupted flow of truthiness. But, now with a woman as Speaker of the House of Representatives and a woman running for President, the entire country has gone downhill. Look at these other trends:
 * oil is closing in on $100/barrel
 * gold is close to $800 an ounce
 * Canada's dollar is worth more than America's dollar!

There is no other explanation, than the insidious influence unions have on America!

Some people, however, point to signs that the strike won't last long, and American guts can be replenished shortly:
 * Jenna Bush has published a book

Wikiality.com promises to follow this story as much as we can through the torrent of tears in our eyes...it's too much... ###

Georgia Switching To Pecans
After the verbal assault from South Carolina's Favorite Son, the state of Georgia is getting out of the peach business for good.

ATLANTA, GEORGIA, November 5, 2007-- After a relentless public relations nightmare, officials in Georgia's capitol spent the weekend trying to figure out what to do with their Ted-Turner's-ass-flavored-peaches. It was finally decided to disband their peach crop and start promoting pecans.

WHAT IS A PECAN?

Georgians have long known their peaches were inferior to South Carolina's peaches and have gone to great lengths to hide this truthyism from the outside world. All native Georgians learned this as children and continued the charade into adulthood. Georgia has worked for the last 10 years to slowly remove their ass-flavored peaches from America's markets before anyone found out, but to no avail.

When South Carolina's Favorite Son got his own TV show, the jig was up and they had to work fast before their entire economy collapsed.

Wikiality.com investigators discovered that a plucky young buck working in the mailroom of a local advertising firm came up with the solution: dehydrate the peaches and call them pecans. This way, they reasoned, they wouldn't have to learn a new trade and could continue selling their ass-flavored peaches. Together with state officials who staged a drought, the stage was set to flood America's market with their dehydrated ass-flavored pecans, formerly known as peaches.

Wikiality.com is reminding Americans to follow the advice of their favorite newsman, Stephen Colbert and stay away from food that tastes like ass, and enjoy a South Carolina Peach with the ones you love.

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Eagle Dove Under Loon
On 31st October 2007, The greenback (USD) hit 130 year low against the loonie (CAD). At about 4:15PM, each U.S. dollar was worth 94.19 Canadian cents shattering the previous record set over a century ago. Currency exchange experts expect the U.S. dollar to drop to around 90 Canadian cents before leveling off.

The American Federal Reserve interest rate cut, the Canadian tax cut, and the raising oil price combined to push the greenback down against the loonie. America is currently recovering from a Credit Crunch while Canadian Oil Sand and Offshore Oil is seeing record demand in the world market. The Credit Crunch may lead to a Housing Crunch in America as the mortgage rates reset. If that happens, Currency experts expect the U.S. dollar to drop to Civil War level.

Canadian shoppers is exploiting the strong loonie to make purchases in American shops during their snowbird trip south to avoid the icecold harsh Canadian weather. Even though the loon is soaring above the eagle, most American shops only will accept the loonie on par (1:1). American shop owners are all thanking the greatest president ever, George W. Bush, for the greenback consecutive drop over the past six years to the extremely low level today for bringing in all the Canadian snowbird shoppers.

Unions May Strike Against Truthiness!
A unions of writers (who knew writers had a union!?) threaten to paralyze The Greatest Television News Program Ever!

SODOM AND GOMORRAH, CAULIFLOWER, November 1, 2007-- With a presidential campaign in full swing and a looming recount in South Carolina, citizens across America are keeping themselves informed through news programs such as The Colbert Report and its sister program, Jews' News. But, with a news writers' strike expected on Monday, November 5, 2007, America's informed citizenry fear a news blackout.

"'How will America stay informed with no one to sift through the liberal media filter?' asked comedian Brian Williams, star of NBC's hit comedy show The Nightly News With Brian Williams, 'Americans don't read and they cannot operate the internets so how will they get the up-to-the-minute Britney Spears' underwear sightings? Or the latest in Condoleezza Rice's battles with activist judges? How, I ask you? This is very upsetting to me...'"

In addition to news programs, other television programs will be effected, such as Lost and CSI. With few exceptions, the clear majority of scripted programs on television today (including cable) employ union writers.

A representative of the Parents' Television Council who wished to remain anonymous informed Wikiality.com that the strike may be a good thing in the long run, saying,


 * "Television is God's gift to us, but we have squandered it and filled it with Satan and homosexuality and every other depraved notion on the liberal agenda. All of it has come from these union writers.  They have made television their sweaty orgy room instead of the vast fertile ground of wholesome family programming God originally intended for it to be.  If this strike removes the influence and control these unionistas have over our children, then we are that much closer to realizing Christ's Return, Hallalujah!


 * "Besides, we don't care for those kinds of programs anyhow. We like programs that show the real America, the one that exists as we know it does, not as Hollywood wants to pretends it to be.  The ruling days of Hollywood liberals is coming to an end, you just wait until we go after the actors; they're our next target."

Wikiality.com vows to stay on top of this very important story as it effects us directly and nothing motivates us more than something effects us directly.

''PLEASE NOTE: In the event of an actual strike, Wikiality.com promises to bring you the truthy news that Stephen would have brought you himself if Comedy Central starts airing reruns. The last writers's strike lasted five months, and we all know no one can go without truthiness for five months, so stay tuned to this internets tube for truthy news.'' ###

Liberals Finally Force A Draft In Iraq


''Liberals have long claimed that if a draft were held, more Americans would support The Greatest President Ever's call to bring democracy to Iraq. They have finally gotten their wish.''

THE WHITE ELEPHANT EMBASSY, BAGHDAD, IRAQ, November 1, 2007-- When Iraq asked the international community for aid packages that included democracy, The Greatest Administration Ever delivered. When Iraq needed help with security following a spat of skirmishes (between 2003 and present), The Greatest Administration Ever again delivered.

And now, when Iraq needs jobs, water and electrical services to a certain area along the Tigris River, again, The Greatest Administration Ever volunteered to provide any assistance needed.

Taking the lead in this endeavor is The Greatest Secretary of State Ever and future Republican Presidential Candidate, Condoleezza Rice, who has taken the lead in drafting the services of others for an indefinite amount of time in beautiful Iraq.

"'I ain't lookin' out fo' mah legashizzle. I be heppin' mah bruverrs and sistahs in the Iraq and such as, muthafuqa,' the eloquent beauty said in a written statement to the press."

A small number of so-called diplomats have begun to whine about being sent to the world's largest, most lavish and safest embassy. Their opinions have no place in a legitimate news story, but Wikiality.com will post their "beliefs" to keep our promise to be fair, balanced and truthy:

"'Dr.-Mrs. Rice-Bush, In regards to your request for my services in Iraq: please accept my resignation because I am a chickenshit who loves terrorists and hates America.'(an excerpt from an email by one of the recruited diplomats to Dr. Rice)"

Details from Mz. Rice's entire draft plan are sketchy, but Wikiality.com insiders will share what we have learned:
 * 1) 200 diplomats will serve in the new Baghdad Embassy
 * 2) the length for their service in Iraq has not been clarified
 * 3) current foreign service officers who refuse to serve will be replaced with people who love America who will then be given diplomatic immunity, not that the potential new diplomats would have anything in their past records that would require immunity

At the risk of becoming the story, Wikiality.com would like to state that Dr. Rice is well within her constitutional rights as Secretary of State to give whomever she chooses diplomatic immunity and those diplomats who won't go to Iraq to help with democracy-brining, can instead report to Gitmo.

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The Greatest President To Visit Former 50th District of California To Battle Wildfires!
With at least seven fires raging out of control and no end in sight to the nightmare, The Greatest President Ever will join forces with the Governator to defeat the Wildfire Menace, known only as "The Flaming Queen"!

SODOM AND GOMORRAH, CALIFORNIA, October 23, 2007-- As America is devoured by unforeseen and unprecedented droughts and fires, the people look to their heroes for safety and security (but not necessarily rights and laws)...

The Governator safely ensconced in Sacramento awaiting a water disaster to exploit or photo-op to pose in is alerted by his beacon of awareness: FOX TV says there are some fires in California's 50th district!

...Unsure of how best to take advantage fix the situation, he calls upon the only man who can help, a hero from Washington who cuts a swarthy be-codpieced figure: THE GREATEST PRESIDENT EVER and his boy wonder: Privateer Blackwater, swift of government contract and strong of extra-legal arms! Priavteer Blackwater vows to use all his security and lobbyist powers to bring order to the mostly white, suburban Republican voting stronghold!

Together they will take on their long-time nemesis: Mother Nature and her sidekick: The Flaming Queen as they try to destroy The Border Fence and all that it stands for, while at the same time funneling security work to Privateer Blackwater and construction work to his twin, Privateer Hallirbuton!!!

TONIGHT'S EPISODE: How To Dress For A Wildfire When Fall Colors Aren't Your Look!

Stay tuned for next week's episode: How Much Money Can Be Made From A Disaster?

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Dr. Colbert Makes It Official On NBC's "Meet The Press"--A Wikiality.com Editorial
The interview began coridal enough, until the Pumpkin-headed host got personal: should the candidate be allowed to pronounce his name as the Founding Fathers intended?

AMERICA, October 22, 2007-- This stage has seen many powerful world leaders and its share of seasoned politicians, but never anyone with the balls of Dr. Stephen Colbert.

Weeks went into the preparation of the event. The host, genial pumpkin head, Tim Russert took classes in joke telling, not to learn to tell the jokes himself (anyone who has seen Russert knows this will never happen) but to give the illusion that he has a sense of humor.

Russert tried very hard to trip up his guest (or nail as the kids say), but failed miserably at every attempt. He quoted some passages from the candidate's book, I Am America (And So Can You!), searching for some nonexistent hole in the author's theories, but to no avail.

At one point in the interview the host resorted to using props like a pumpkin-headed Carrot Top.

Very little new information was learned about the candidate, more was learned about the host and his liberal media bias. Russert let slip that:
 * he doesn't believe Americans can pronounce their name the way they choose
 * he has lazy or retarded researchers
 * he is not certain whether God is on our side in the war on terror, or even if he is speaking his own words
 * he assumes all his guests hate their mothers (this is most likely a projection about his feelings toward is own Mater Gourd)
 * he accuses his guests--the people who come to visit him--if they are hippies (really Russert, stop smoking whatever it is you're smoking, you might singe your rind)
 * he declares that someone with a popular show is the leader of a cult (after all, how would Russert know about having a popular show?)
 * he believes that loving Nixon is a bad thing
 * he is ignorant of the shows that have the pulse of the nation, like The Colbert Report, The Conan O'Brien Show and Grey's Anatomy
 * he knows nothing about South Carolina, the state, or anything to do with their politics, or voting in America

All in all, the interview was an embarrassment; luckily for Mr. Russert and NBC, the only thing people watch on TV on Sunday mornings is football.

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Former Commander May Have Been Tortured
White House Officials became suspicious after Sanchez's appearance before a group calling themselves "Military Reporters"

ARLINGTON, VIRGINIA, October 15, 2007-- By all accounts, retired U.S. Army Lieutenant General Ricardo Sanchez was a model soldier: tough, followed orders without questions and looked really good in khaki. But a year following his forced retirement, his friends and former colleagues wonder why he suddenly spoke out against policies he had no problem supporting when he took an oath to command America's troops in Iraq.

"'Whatever happened to General Sanchez has left him mentally damaged,' an unnamed source close to everything told Wikiality.com under the condition that he remain anonymous, 'He is exhibiting signs of psychological stresses consistent with victims of torture.'"

The unnamed source says that Sanchez's change of mind about the success of the surge in Iraq most definitely occurred as a result of sensory deprivation, stress positions, electrodes to the genitals, long-term exposure to homosexual imagery and vegetarian cooking, "I've seen it before," he said mysteriously.

The red flag was raised when Sanchez appeared in public without his Army uniform on. Witnesses also state Sanchez was not wearing a regulation American Flag Pin either. It was in this condition that Sanchez was seen stumbling into the 6th annual Military Reporters & Editors conference and demanding that he be allowed to speak.

What came next shocked all even the most battle-hardened grunts in attendance.

There were no real notes taken at this type of gathering, so all the accounts come from the memories of those who witnessed it. Sanchez was reported to have said:
 * “There has been a glaring and unfortunate display of incompetent strategic leadership within our national leaders"
 * the U.S. military mission in Itaq is a "nightmare with no end in sight"
 * "America continues its desperate struggle in Iraq without any concerted effort to devise a strategy that will achieve victory"
 * George W. Bush doesn't like brown-skinnded people
 * obsessive attention to the sculpting of my body hair doesn't make me gay
 * Rosie O'Donnell shouldn't have been fired from The View

But, the most glaring gaffe by General Sanchez was when he said he supported affordable health care even for poor children.

"When he said that, we knew the liberal media had gotten to him," Dana Perino said during her daily press briefing the day after the incident, "when The Greatest President Ever vetoes a bill that would essentially legalize socialized medicine, everyone knows what their opinions should be, especially a three-star general. We are worried about General Sanchez's mental state, but not enough to make the treatment for it affordable."

Wikiality.com has done some investigating and discovered the address of General Sanchez's possible torturer, Graeme Frost. We will be standing outside his home and calling his phone until we get some answers to what really happened to the good general to make him change his mind in this fashion.

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Nobel Prize Causing Dangerous Rise In Al Gore Hot Air Emissions


Today's announcement that the 2007 Nobel Peace Prize will be shared by Al Gore and the U.N. Climate Change Panel has already contributed to an enormous and threatening increase in the liberal media's Al Gore hot air emissions, leaving America's Planet at risk.

OSLO, NORWAY, October 12, 2007--

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Writers' Strike Threatens Late Night Television!
The Writers' Guild of America is threatening to strike, months ahead of the campaign season, thwarting any chance of Jay Leno being the funniest guy on late night TV.

HOLLYWOOD, CALIFORNIA, October 11, 2007-- Another liberal union taunts The Ghost of Ronald Reagan with talk of going on strike.

The ghostly apparition rattled his chains and moaned his displeasure throughout his press conference, but the message was clear: no one in the after life favors workers over corporate citizens.

"The quality of television programs is independent of the writers," an unnamed rotund fleshy donut of a man told Wikiality.com, "Americans don't choose their TV shows based on books they like, they choose them because they don't like books. TV should be the solution to reading!"

Industry insiders believe that without writers creating whatever it is they create, programming hours can be filled with wholesome movies from days gone by or reality shows that emphasize zero-sum outcomes in militaristic settings or more game shows like "Who Wants To Make A Deal To Marry A Five Year Old?" or talk shows starring the right kind of people talking about the right kinds of things.

No one needs writers for that!

''This news story was sponsored by $cientology. $cientology, we're rich enough to influence you in ways you don't even know about.™''

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Al Gore Stops Chicago Marathon
''Observers say he was running around shirtless pulling racers off the course. Officials ended the race to save his dignity''

CHICAGO, AMERICA, October 7, 2007-- Traditionally the race is held in the coolest part of the year, so that runners don't overheat. Organizers also plan the race to avoid inclement weather. But this year, planners of the LaSalle Bank's Chicago Marathon© weren't expecting Hurricane Al.

"'I have never seen a man that large move that fast,' former Chicago Bears professional football player, William 'The Refrigerator' Perry, told Wikiality.com after promising to buy him a cow's worth of steak, 'I was afraid to get in his way, why are white people so crazy?'"

Police started receiving reports of a fat man causing a commotion in the streets of Chicago and immediately assumed it was Teddy Kennedy, but when they discovered no vehicles were involved, they got confused and promised to investigate as soon their union breaks were over.

Once police ambled over to the marathon finish line, the race had been going for over three hours and thousands of people had already completed the torturous circuitous route. 

Local firemen had Mr. Gore trapped against a building and were using their hoses to guide him into a donut shop, where police arrested him.

He was eventually released back onto his private jet to return to his native Hollywood.

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Republican Senator To Retire
In a first for The Greatest Administration Ever, Pete Domenici, the senator from New Mexico, has announced he will retire amidst the greatest legislative success ever!

"My work is done here," the slight man behind the podium struggled to shout above his adoring crowd, "I want to thank each and everyone of you for helping me make my time in the senate to successful!"

To outsiders it seemed like a celebration, but for the staffers, interns and constituents of Peter "The Great" Domenici, the press conference announcing his retirement was more like a funeral.

The Greatest President Ever Demands Iran Allow Him to Speak At One Of Their Universities
The Islamic Republic of Iran has not yet accepted The Greatest President Ever's democracy-bringing speech to their largest educational cave, Al-Qaeda University

After allowing the president of Iran, Mahamoud Ahamedjihateamericaejad, to speak at New York's leading hippie university, Columbia, The Greatest President Ever demands the opportunity to speak at one of their madrassas, telling the UN: "'Is Islamoos learnin'? I want to talk to The Iraq and other countries like The South Africa, such as, so they can put democracy on their families. I believe fish and doctors coexist to share their love of women throughout Iran. God Bless America!"

As expected, Nancy Pelosi delivered Iran's response: "ALALALALALALALA!!! Allah Akbar! Death to America!"

Besides Ms. Pelosi's official comment, Iran has not scheduled a date for when they will accept the democracy The Greatest President Ever wants so desperately to bring them.

Upon hearing of the exchange, North Korea's president, Kim Jong Il, demanded that he be allowed to speak at a preschool about nutrition. Then, Myanmar Prime Minister, General Thein Sein volunteered to hold an 8-day seminar on democracy with Sudan's President, President Umar Hassan Ahmad al-Bashir.

Not to be ignored King Abdallah bin Abd al-Aziz Al Saud, leader of Saudi Arabia (Peace be upon their Cash) demanded that he be allowed to visit Wellesbian College to discuss women's rights.

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