Michele Bachmann

Michele Bachmann is the Republican Representative of Minnesota's 6th congressional district. She claims that she was selected by God (really!) to succeed GOP Representative Mark Kennedy, who vacated the seat to mount a bid for the U.S. Senate after the rate of home foreclosures in his district rose dramatically. Bachmann is the first gay-baiting, global conspiracy-believing Republican guided by supernatural visions to represent the state of Minnesota in the United States Congress.



Family background
Bachmann was born Michele Amble and grew up in Anoka, Minnesota (a.k.a. Lake Woebegone). It was originally believed that Bachmann was descended from apes, but she now claims to have been the product of Intelligent Design.

At the age of thirteen she became financially independent. (No kidding! That’s what she says.) Graduating from Anoka High School in 1974, she went on to attend Winona State College (now Winona State University), where God first contacted her and showed her a vision of her future husband, Marcus Bachmann, working on his family’s farm in Wisconsin. (A subsequent vision of her husband at a leather bar in Milwaukee was dismissed by Bachmann as “the work of Satan.”)

Joining Carter campaign
Michele began dating Marcus Bachmann in 1976 when they were working together for the election of openly "born again Christian" Jimmy Carter. The couple later abandoned their support for Carter after discovering that he was a Democrat.

After Carter became President, Michele and her future husband Marcus Bachmann attended the Christian documentary film “Fetus, Do Yo’ Stuff". Inspired by the film, the couple decided to become sidewalk counselors in an attempt to dissuade women from seeking abortions. They abandoned these efforts as “ineffectual” after the owner of the building they were picketing informed them that it was not an abortion clinic but in fact an Ikea.

Marriage, law education, and Reagan campaign
Michele married Marcus Bachmann in 1978 on his family's dairy farm where they lived and worked for awhile after their marriage. One morning while she was milking a cow, Jesus appeared to her at the bottom of the bucket and said to her: “Why art thou squirting me? Get thee to law school.”

So the Bachmanns relocated to Tulsa, Oklahoma, where she enrolled at Coburn School of Law. Coburn is an affiliate of Oral Roberts University which describes itself as “a charismatic university, founded in the fires of evangelism and upon the unchanging precepts of the Bible, but with affordable tuition and very low admissions standards.” Bachmann chose to attend Coburn’s unaccredited law school because it was built in accord with “God’s commission to Oral Roberts” and because televangelist Roberts told her that God “would take him home” if she applied to the U of M.

In 1980 while attending Coburn Bachmann joined the Republican campaign to elect Ronald Reagan, impressed by the candidate’s divorced status and his campaign promise to use illegal means to secretly arm terrorists. Bachmann earned a Juris Doctor at Coburn in 1986, and—after receiving another message from God, this time to study tax law (no kidding)—went on to earn a Legum Magistra degree.

Tax litigation attorney for the I.R.S. and Full-Time Mother
From 1988 to 1993, Bachmann became a U.S. Treasury Department attorney for the Internal Revenue Service in St. Paul, Minnesota. According to Bachmann, she represented the IRS “in hundreds of cases" against taxpayers but still gives people a dirty look when they ask her to name some of them.

In accordance with her strict belief that a child needs to be raised by a traditional family with a mother and a father, Bachmann gave up her promising tax-collecting career to become a stay-at-home mom, waiting only five years after her first child was born to do so. The Bachmanns have also taken in 23 foster children, all of them teenage girls because “there’s no safer place for a teenage girl to be than around Marcus.”

Protesting abortion
The arduous task of raising five biological children and 23 foster teenage girls revived Bachmann’s interest in abortion. She and around 30 other abortion opponents went to a County Board meeting where a $3 million appropriation was scheduled to build a county morgue at a local medical center. Bachmann pointed out that it was wrong for the state to tax her for a morgue at a medical center that also performed abortions because “the dead people to be stored at the proposed morgue would be undoubtedly pro-life.” Speaking to the Minneapolis Star Tribune, Bachmann said that “in effect, since 1973, I have been a landlord of an abortion clinic, and I don’t like that distinction.” (To this day, Bachmann regularly leaves “Landlord of an Abortion Clinic” off her official resume.)

Establishment of A Charter School
In 1993 Bachmann joined with other parents of Stillwater to open a K-12 charter school. Conflicts arose when many parents and the school district questioned if money the school received from public tax dollars was going towards injecting Christianity into the curriculum. Suspicions of parents and educators were aroused by courses with titles like “The Bible’s Truth versus the Lies of Science,” “Geology: Our Six Thousand Year Old Earth,” and “Why Do the Jews Continue To Reject Him?” Parents charged Bachmann with trying to set up classes on Creationism and advocating that "'something called "12 Christian principles" be taught.'" (Among Bachmann’s proposed “Christian principles” were “No new taxes” and “Shun the Democrat as you would the leper.”)

Bachmann also refused to allow the in-school screening of the Disney film Aladdin, feeling that it endorsed magic/witchcraft and promoted genies. Believing that the criticism of this decision was an unfounded personal attack, Bachmann appeared before a concerned group of parents. She angrily denied that she was promoting a sectarian religious curriculum and then attempted to “excommunicate them and all their sinful progeny.”

Opposition to "Profile of Learning" and "School-to-Work" policies
Bachmann began to have difficulty with the foster children placed in her care. She was often puzzled by the behaviors and attitudes exhibited by these teen girls (e.g. giggling whenever they were threatened with “a good old-fashioned ass whuppin’”). Bachmann finally concluded that their problems were the fault of the Public School system rather than due to any personal failings in her or any of the other individuals involved.

She began to speak out against public education, gaining attention with outspoken criticism of Minnesota's Profile of Learning and School-to-Work policies.

The Profile of Learning was a program of graduation standards in Minnesota. The program was controversial with local conservatives because it would have required students to show that they had actually learned something while at school. Bachmann and others also criticized the Profile for focusing "on attitudes, values and beliefs of students, and teaching controversial secular values like “don’t steal” and "put down that gun" as part of the regular school curriculum.

Bachmann also opposed Minnesota's School-to-Work program. School-to-Work was enacted so that Minnesota could get additional Federal funds by complying with the School To Work Opportunities Act passed by Congress in 1994, but Bachmann and other local education activists claimed that it was “a thinly disguised conspiracy by Federal government officials to indoctrinate our children with the principles of world socialism and fatten them up with publicly funded lunch programs so that they could later be taken away in black helicopters and sold as “human livestock” to hungry big-headed aliens operating out the basement of Area 51.”

Gaining support of Local Religious Conservative Think-Tank
Bachmann's opposition to the Profile and School To Work caught the attention of an organization called the Local Religious Conservative Think Tank (or LRCTT, pronounced “lur-k-tih-tih”.) Like Bachmann, the LRCTT advocates equal time for Intelligent Design creationism theory in the science classes and maintains that we will all have real pet dinosaurs when we get to heaven. LRCTT opposes gay marriage, saying: "Legalizing 'marriage' for homosexual couples will push the homosexual indoctrination agenda forward very far and very fast and this will ultimately lead to unsupervised dancing.”

LRCTT represented the feeling of many Christian social conservatives that public school education programs are in reality covert attacks on their faith, particularly the gym classes. At a seminar featuring Bachmann, a LRCTT director spoke of the federal education reforms passed by a Republican president and Congress as “a conspiracy against Christianity…Enemies of Christianity in the United States government are even now training our children to accept a future new one-world, globalized, politically correct society incompatible with our founders’ Christian worldview. They are replacing traditional education with federal indoctrination so that our kids will end up exported from this Earth to be the slaves of the secret technocracy who have built underground bases on the dark side of the moon—“ but then the men with the nets came in and got him again.

Throughout Bachmann's political career groups like LRCTT have been her strongest local supporters. Most of these groups have a tax-exempt status under 501c(4) & 501c(3) tax laws and many receive free medication. Bachmann for her part continues to direct anyone seeking her views on public education reform to LRCTT's website (http://www.theyrecomingtotakeusawayhahatheyrecomingtotakeusawayhohoheeheehaha.com)

Fighting The Public School Curriculum
Bachmann and her supporters believe that public schools are teaching an “anti-Christian” worldview. In particular she objected to the sex education curriculum and proposed an Abstinence Only approach that “discouraged masturbation on demand (except in cases where the life of the mother was in danger.)”

Bachmann also lobbied for introduction of Intelligent Design creationism into the state’s public school science curriculum to balance the lie of evolution. She argued that it was “impossible for dinosaurs who can sing and dance like Barney to have evolved through random chance.”