The Colbert Report/Episode/501

Stephen Somberly Considers This Historic Day

 * continuing live coverage 20th of January, the year of Our Lord two-thousand and nine
 * Barack Obama has been inaugurated President of the United States of America


 * it was brave of Stephen to admit that


 * men will marry each other


 * Stephen didn't want Obama pres of America
 * wanted him to be president of Nicaragua


 * Stephen will support him as long as he is popular


 * starting around 11:30 am EST


 * Aretha Franklin stole a bow off a Lexus for the occasion


 * Stephen got something in his eye
 * 2 million people gave the Queen of Soul


 * Stephen is allergic to cats, there must be one in The Eagle's Nest


 * made his powergrab


 * Stephen is not angry
 * deal you watch; he screams


 * felt like his heart is about to burst as though filled with rainbows


 * Lowery's benediction is best Dr. Seuss book ever


 * Stephen wishes he was black for one day
 * shouldn't put on make-up
 * talking about it is a bad idea

Live Report From Washington

 * P.K. Winsom
 * at the Black Republican Ball with Michael Steele


 * PK was already in Washington for a meeting of his program, "Doctors Within Borders"
 * like a free clinic
 * except you get examined in a Border's Bookstore
 * and it's not free


 * sled down the top of Martin Luther King's mountaintop on the Barack O-Boggan
 * made of all synthetic materials
 * cry "Wee!" at last (thank God almighty, wee at last)


 * Did you ever think you'd ever live to see this day?
 * "Yes I Thought I'd Live To See This Day" t-shirts
 * message: we (African-Americans) don't age in dog years; we live just as long as everyone else. Stop asking us when we're going to die


 * J.C. Watts (referee for foosball)

SEGMENT3

 * stop calling him President-elect
 * calling him the cause of all our problems


 * comparing himself to Lincoln


 * Joe Biden was sworn in on the Hogawart's Spellbook


 * Stephen's Sound Advice
 * Stephen is an expert on Abe Lincoln
 * knows what's going on inside his head


 * Political Life
 * Lincoln filled his cabinet with rivals
 * Clinton, Biden, bowling ball


 * create rivalries within the cabinet


 * Intellectual Life
 * Lincoln
 * first to call pizza "zza"
 * read his writings


 * Personal Life
 * have a crazy wife
 * strength he gained from his crazy wife "Mary Todd"


 * drive Michelle wacko
 * re-hem her clothing eventually she will think she's becoming a giant


 * Do Grow A Beard
 * full Santa


 * car named after you like the Chrysler van Buren

Interview

 * Jabari Asim
 * book: "What Obama Means: ...for Our Culture, Our Politics, Our Future"
 * more live coverage in the studio


 * Obama means "hello" and "goodbye" in Hawaiian


 * What does Obama mean?
 * wrote the book as a way to look at Obama's effect on the nature, metaphorically


 * project our hopes and dreams on Obama
 * should also fears and nightmares


 * see him as a mirror


 * as an African-American on TV, he speaks for all blacks


 * we will be like vestigial fish that get trapped in caves and go blind


 * what is the opportunity?
 * Stephen likes to make a buck


 * choose our better history


 * how best can we move forward together through mutual investment


 * not be dragged, develop momentum reach escape velocity from history


 * also wrote a book "What McCain Means"
 * he's not authorized to discuss it


 * focused on campaign, not presidency
 * willing to vote for a black guy

Epilogue

 * Dr. Colbert noticed something interesting about Obama's inauguration:
 * it seemed to mean something special to African-Americans
 * and Stephen
 * this must logically mean Stephen is black
 * he doesn't see race but, people tell him he's white because he dances with his thumbs out


 * Stephen realizes that he and Obama are like family
 * sometimes they will agree, sometimes they will disagree


 * Stephen wished everyone goodnight and God Bless America

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