Breaking News



Wikiality.com is slowly trying to get back in the groove of writing truthy news. Please excuse the quality and quantity during this period.

Enjoy Write A Caption and our Daily Poll in the interim.

'''See Also:
 * Daily Poll Write A Caption Bear Watchers Abomination Watch'''

Breaking News Archive

Ruskie Egghead Predicts the end of America


Bear Uprising still scheduled for 2012

''' Fantasyland Russia. December 29, 2008''' - For years Comrade Igor Panarin has been pandering the “media” about future events. The little hunchback have claimed in the past that squirrels would conquer the world, Betamax will be all the rage, and that Vanilla Ice will have a great comeback. So far he has been wrong... except the squirrels, you cant trust those rats… “Ha ha! You fat american capitalist pigs have seen the last of your sunset! Soon The Glorious Communist Union of Soviet Socialist Russian Empire shall rule the world again! Also buy my book “The End of the American Empire: How I predicted it!” is already on sale!” claimed the Ruskie egghead. People don’t buy his books… on second, though buy his books and then burn them, because his ideas of how America will end is just wrong! As you can see my predictions are way better and cooler than his (I will be publishing the book soon, "How I Predicted The End of America Better Than This Commie Bastard!"):


 * Atlantic America: This ignorant believes that these liberal bear-loving hippies will join the European Union… wrong! These terror-loving commies may like gay marriages and their educashun, but we can all agree that we hate the French. As long as the French is part of Europe, or EU their little club, no way they will join. Instead they will found “The United Islamofacistliberalhippiebeargayland of America” and legalize gay marriage and allow bears to be their citizens. Unfortunately their mooslim leader will still be their president, but at least he wont be our president!


 * The Central North-American Republic: WRONG WRONG WRONG!!! One word, “The United Jesusland of America”. Ok, that's more than one word. But there is no way in hell that parts of the Midwest will ever be Canadian. Hell, there is no way I am becoming Canadian!… but they can take Minnesota as a compensation. The Baby Jesus (or Our Glorious Stephen, if He cant due to the second coming) will be our Newest President Ever!
 * The Texas Republic: Texans would rather die than be part of Mexico. Instead Mexico will become part of Texas and be Americanized! “The Republic of Texas” is coming your way baby and this time is stronger and more American than ever!!! The Greatest President Ever shall become President once again!! Viva la Republica de Tejas!!


 * The Californian Republic: All wrong, well… except the Chinese can keep California, we don’t need it… Seriously, take it please! Though they will have to deal with "The Governator" of Kalyfornia, first (not to mention the liberal hippies and The Gays).


 * Alaska: So now we see the truth. I know what you are doing, I can see your little game. This was all a rouse to take back Alaska. Well sorry, but you never lend it to us, it was never part of your “empire”. We bough it and we still kept the receipt! What? You thought we threw it away? You want it back? Come and claim it! Bring it on you damn commies! But before you can even get your hands on it, Alaska will become “The Alaskan Queedom of America” and be ruled by “The Glorious Queen Ever Sarah Palin” who will lead the penguin army against the polar bears and the commie Ruskies!!! Do you feel lucky, punk?…


 * Hawaii: Without a doubt it will go to Japan, and they will rename it “The Animeland Kingdom of Hawaii”; they will start exporting more Anime and Hentai to the American audience, don’t see whats wrong with that… not that I buy that sort of things… well maybe one time… OK, I ADMIT IT. I AM AN OTAKU!! sorry folks, don’t know where that outburst came from…

As you can see, all lies. This is why we cant trust eggheads and scientists.

Stephen Jr. comes back for the holidays Christmas!
Liberals, bears, and the gays run for the hills

'''Oregon, America. December 29, 2008''' - A piece of good news this year, it seems like Stephen Jr. was spotted back into the USA! before Christmas! USA, USA, USA!!! Stephen Jr. probably missed his Papa and will spend the New Years with Our Glorious Stephen. We can only imagine that our Stephen was teary eyed after seeing the return of his beloved son for Christmas, but he is too manly to cried, after all only liberals/gays/girls cry. “I am pretty certain Stephen had a Christmas present under the tree for Stephen Jr. He is so lucky,” claimed the stalker photographer that spotted Stephen Jr. playing in the snow with other eagles, “I have been waiting years for this opportunity. Sure I got little sleep, lost my job, and my wife left me. But now that I got a glace of Stephen Jr. I can die happy…”

Stephen Jr. was last time seeing flying off with prey remains for his Papa as a Christmas present, probably a liberal! Welcome back Stephen, Jr!!!

Alaskan’s pipes needs cleaning
series of tubes are clogged

''' Palinsqueendom Anchorage, Alaska. December 28, 2008''' - The Greatest Maverickness Ever Sarah Palin has just informed the people of Alaska that the series of tubes will be down, “Gosh, we just learned that the tubes need some cleaning. I am so embarrassed that this happen but don’t worry, it will just be momentarily off, you betcha!” When asked why did the tubes needed cleaning, she just responded “ is full of sh*t that could harm our image no reason, we just wanted to keep it clean, so the people can enjoy cleaner pipes, we are hiding nothing. You betcha!”

Meanwhile we learned that our new mooslim president received a congratulating email from the people of Alaska, he didn’t even say thanks… some people have no manners.

Emergency News: The End of Times is Coming!!
Liberals, the gays, and godless bears celebrate on the streets

''' The Whore of Babylon America. December 28, 2008''' - Is the end of the world as we know it! The Gays are getting gay married and adopting children, democrats are gaining majority senate seat, a black man mooslim is our new president, and more Americans are turned into godless bear-loving liberals!!!

GAME OVER MAN, GAME OVER!!

I have already built a bunker in my backyard and there is no more room!!

The only redeeming event in this whole year is that Germany is returning to its Nazi’s tradition… they may start World War III and give us a chance to save Europe’s ass and become the world’s savior once again…

GOP loves new music CD
Rush Limbaugh calls it the Greatest Song Ever!!!

''' Racisttown Hatetown RNC. December 27, 2008''' - The greatest musical hit in this season has won over the RNC, ten out of ten Republicans agree, “This is one the most wonderful and Greatest Song Ever!!!”. KKK leader Future candidate for the RNC chairmanship, Chip Saltsman, wanted to cheer a lot of his Republicans friends after the severe beating from the 2008 election from unforeseeable depressing events. “It is the season of giving and cheering, so I thought, why not? I love it, everyone loves it… I mean how can I go wrong on this one?”

Mr. Saltsman is a Real American Hero and Patriot for bringing back the seasonal cheer this Holiday Christmas. Mr. Chip Saltsman is the Real American political operative who has served as chairman of the Tennessee Republican Party, senior political advisor to Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist, and manager of Mike Huckabee's presidential campaign and who is running for RNC Chairmanship. He even gave tons of the musical CDs to liberal frenemies, democrats, and hippie bear-lovers to spread the holiday Christmas' cheer. He even made sure that our new mooslim president received one with a card saying “No hard feelings” What a Great guy!

If you want to give a shout of Merry Christmas to these Great guys and agree in their love of musical taste, remember to follow the series of tubes!

Chip Saltsman RNC chairman campaign tubes

RNC tubes

Stephen Colbert: The wonder years!!
I laughed, I cried, I learned a lot from this film

''' Godlesssodomitetown Hollywood. December 27, 2008:''' - Coming soon to the theater nearest you!!! We the people of wikiality are proud to announce a new film that will change your life forever! We have learned that Hollywood (after seeing the wisdom of the power of the Colbert Bump) has decided to release a new film about the life of Our Glorious Stephen!!!

We cannot wait to see this film, luckily we were able to steal procure a fragment of the film at our viewers plesure… we must warn you that the following images are disturbing, if you have children in your room ask them to leave… if you don’t have any children, what are you waiting for??? Get some!! This film will not only show us the wonder years of Our Glorious Stephen, but we will also learn the tragic event that led to his lifelong hatred against bears!!

We predict that the film will be a box office success and will save the American economy!!

Shoplifter Strikes Again!!
American retail stores at the mercy of thieves!

''' Godsforsakenland Utah. December 26, 2008''' - Our Nation's retail stores are facing a terrible crisis... a crisis of discounts so low that you have to be poor to be ignoring them!!! But sadly, not everyone can afford these crazy prices, and that is when disaster strikes.

It is sad to learn that in this difficult economy economy in which the fundamentals are still strong, people are willing to commit terrible crimes like theft or shoplifting, but when you learn that it is man’s best friend that is committing such crimes, it is a sign of great betrayal. “You feed them, clothe them, and take them to humiliating entertaining dog's pageantry around the country, and this is how they repay us?” asked a dog owner.

The criminal is still on the loose and police has not been able to catch the thug, “I feel so violated… he stole one of our best bones! I have a family to feed! Why isn’t the police doing something??” cried the store owner, “today is shoplifting, tomorrow they will take over the world! Mankind cannot trust dog-kind ever again!”

The police has alerted the public that the thief is armed and dangerous, "We suspect that it was inside job... I wouldn't be surprise if a monkey was involve in it. Dont be a hero, if you see the dog, tell him he is a bad dog, scold him, and then call us..."

Nation, this dog is on the lamb, if you see this criminal, call the police as soon as possible!


 * Update: The police believe that the thief was last seeing running toward the south of the border, it is Mexico's problem now...

The Greatest President Ever will leave White House soon
75% of Real Americans cry out of joy sadness

'''Washington. December 26, 2008''' - As the year comes to a close we are sadden to see that The Greatest President Ever will be leaving the White House soon. Without a doubt Our Great President could have easily won a third term, but those damn liberals say that it goes against the Constitution. Well, I want these hippie liberals to meet a friend of mine Mr. Antonin Scalia… but I digress.

Recent poll suggest that 20% A LOT of Real Americans will miss the president. “Man… he is a Great Guy! I really will miss him…” replied a repo-man who is a very patriotic American. “Business will never be the same, we had some really good times with him,” replied AIG CEO. “BWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAHHH…” cried a polluting industrialist brave soldier in The War Against Terra.

There you have it, even historians agree that The Greatest President Ever will be remembered in history, “Oh, no doubt about it. He will be remembered for a very long time!” replied some historian nerd… “He promised that he would be an uniter, not a divider… well the people all agree on something, so I guess he united them…” See! History will remember The Greatest President Ever as an uniter!

Meanwhile 75% of Americans a bunch of hippie-bear-loving liberals are too happy to see Our President leaving the White House. Which is why RNC candidate Chip Saltsman decided to give them a Christmas present, to demonstrate there is no hard feelings, and that they are willing to work in a bipartisan manner with the new mooslim president, “We want to make peace with our fellow democrats, and I though this CD music will uplift the mood… no, don’t thank me! It really comes from the bottom of my heart!” What a great guy!

Blue Candy helps win war against Terror
warlords are “too happy” to see Americans arrive

'''Afghanistan. December 16, 2008''' - “USA!!! USA!!! USA!!!” chanted the afghan warlords as they saw the CIA agent arrive to this smelly, dirty, and rundown nice and well-kept village. “As you can see they are happy to see us, we have won the “hearts and minds” of the people,” declared the CIA agent. The villagers also started to chant an Elvis’ song, but the lyrics were different, looks like The King is making a comeback.

When asked how was America able to win these warlords over, the agent replied, “Oh, easy, is thanks to the "blue pill" ‘blue candy’ and their ‘little heads’”. We were very confuse, seems like the warlords have developed a sweet tooth and they love the blue candy for some reason. Also we noticed a lot of the young women were beaming with delight… “Make love, not war… man,” declared the aged warlord, who only a few days ago he looked like a brutal chieftain ready to eviscerate us! But, now he was very mellow and all hippie like. Then he started to divulge all the Taliban’s dirty secrets. Not all of the warlords reacted well to the candy, one of them had to go the hospital something to do about "wood" and six hours of being "stiff"... it must have been a logging accident.

Nation don’t worry, is not like the CIA develop a drug that turns people into hippie liberals, after all drugs are bad! They just love their candy…

The Greatest President Ever Shows Great Mercy
He cares about rich good people

'''White House for Sale. December 24, 2008''' - In the spirit of the season and the holidays Christmas, The Greatest President Ever has decided to forgive those who have transgressed against the American people and they promised that they would behave from now on. The Greatest Merciful Ever even forgave one of his second closest friend, Mr. Isaac Robert Toussie (we speculate that our Glorious Stephen is his secret BFF) that cheated deceive  swindle made a no-no but promised he learned his lesson. “I believe he is sorry, I know this guy’s heart. Heck, I am sure he wont do it again!” claimed The Greatest President Ever. What a guy! When asked to his fellow Republicans their opinion about how merciful our President was, for some estrange reason they had no comment as they carried away large sacks with them, probably their laundry.

But for some reason not everyone was ready to forgive Mr. Toussie, “He cheated minorities, sold houses they couldn’t afford, he is a parasite that contributed to the housing crisis… he even gave donation to his republican friends. This is too suspicious if you ask me!! Hey are you even listening to me?” we suspect that the critic is a hippie liberal who doesn’t know what he is saying. I thought you hippie liberals were all down with forgiving and showing mercy and aiding bears/terrorist/un-americans, but when it comes to The Greatest President’s friend, Mr. Toussie, he should be thrown to the wolves… shame on you hypocrite liberals!

Iran sends Christmas card
''' Iraq Iran. December 24, 2008''' - The President of Iran, Ahmadiarmagedonholidayjihad has sent to America a “Merry Christmas” “Happy Holiday” card:

Dear Infidels and The Great Satan:

Merry Christmas Happy Holidays! Another year has almost gone by, and another new year will come! This the season of hatred and fear mongering! I am so excited this year! I asked to the Red Infidel of capitalism and false religion to give me plutonium this year, unlike those dirty jews guys at the UN, this red guy is much more understanding… what was his name again? Chavez Claus was it? Anyway, you popo-heads cant do nothing!! I made lots of money this year, how about you… oops, you poor little infidels… no money! SUcks to be you!

I had a talk with this jesus dude and he agrees, he thinks I am doing a better job in persecuting the worshipers of false religions, oppressing the gays and foreigners, and showing greater intolerance against enemies of the state… hahah! I am better than you!

Anyway, I will be busy building my nuclear bomb nuclear power plant next year, so no peaking! So Merry Christmas Happy Holidays and Happy New Year… oh, and Death to America!!

The Iranian President was last seeing hanging out with his Hollywood liberal friends and plotting the destruction of America.

We also received information that some drag queen will also send us a card, wishing us to call "more often".

EMERGENCY NEWS: SNOWZILLA IS BACK!!!
and this time is personal '''Anchorage, Alaska. December 23, 2008''' - We the people at wikiality informed you of the greatest defeat against the polar bear invasion and a terrible blow against Mother Nature in The War on Terra. We are sadden to inform you that our previous news may have been premature…

*CRASH*

RUN FOR YOUR LIFE, SNOWZILLA IS BACK AND THIS TIME IS #@&$!!!!

Kenneth Starr defends his rights to deprave the Gay’s rights
Blacks demands the same opportunity to become the oppressors

Gaylifornia, December 23, 2008 - As the battle for the sanctity of marriage continues in Gaylifornia; Real Americans are doing their part to protect the children and rescue them from The Gay Agenda. Someone had to think of the children!

Remember folks! Marriage is a sacred union between a man and a woman. Just because some of us like to see two hotmosexuals doing the nasty, or have the random gay thought now and then, doesn’t mean that we are ok with it. I may enjoy watching girl-on-girl action, but I don’t want these two girls to raise my children…

Beware of “Good Samaritans” this year
''CDC fears happiness is spreading. Prescott Pharmaceuticals recommends despair, gloominess, and hopelessness''

December 23, 2008

This is a public service announcement from wikiality: 

Nation, beware of the “Good Samaritan”, these so called compassionate men or women that represents human kindness are nothing more but a disease, and kindness is their pestilence. Since biblical times Samaritans have been a hated ethnic group and there is a good reason… they are bunch of liberal bear-loving hippies. The only good Samaritan is a dead Samaritan. So remember, if you see a “Good” Samaritan down the road, go the other way around and ignore them, even if they are trying to stop you from being hit by a bus…

And remember folks, if you see someone in distress DONT HELP! If you do, you will become a "Good" Samaritan and next thing you know you are a hippie bear-loving gay liberal wishing to spread kindness and happiness through out the world... SICK!

Remember folks, be a jag-off this year, and Happy Holidays Merry Christmas!

Update: War on Terra Continues. Snowzilla is defeated!!
Alaskans welcome bureaucratic liberators

'''Anchorage, Alaska. December 22, 2008''' - As The War on Terra continues, so is Mother Nature's relentless quest to cover the US with new ice polar caps and bring a new ice age for the polar bears. This bad bad mother has unleashed her icy breath into our beloved nation mercilessly as we helplessly watched. However, we bring you some good news!

For a long time, one of Mother Nature’s abominable creations, has terrorized our beloved city of Anchorage, Alaska. “Snowzilla!!!!” cries a Japanese man eskimo guy. Snowzilla is The Greatest Horror Ever to be unleashed into American-kind, a great terror that not even the polar bears wish to anger, has been finally being slayed. It is thanks to our great heroes… bureaucrats!!

Billy Powers (aka Dr. Frankenstein) and his kids lab assistants created this monstrosity in their front yard. We are not sure but we suspect that Mr. Powers’ wife is none other than Mother Nature!! (or a polar bear). Their un-holy union created this monster with the purpose of helping the polar bears to take over America!!

The 16-foot monster terrorized the citizens of Anchorage for years. “We were powerless against this… this… abomination… we tried everything, first there was the angry mob with pitchforks and torches but they were turn into Popsicles, then the police came and they ran away, the army just said they were busy fighting polar bears… we even tried to sent Ted Stevens to negotiate with it but he told us he was busy fixing “the series of tubes”… nothing worked!!!” cried a terrorized Anchorage citizen. “But thank God for city officials. As soon as they learned that Snowzilla was violating city code, they came and annoyed the *bleep* out of it that it died of boredom and the monster melted into a puddle… Those mother f*ckers were merciless, I am glad they are in our side.”

Once Snowzilla was defeated the police arrested the Powers family; they were unable to find his wife (which we still believe is either Mother Nature in disguise or a female polar bear). “We have enough evidence to suspect that Mr. Powers is a member of the PLA (The Polar-Bear Liberation Army)” replied an FBI agent as he arrested Mr. Powers.


 * *Emergency Update*: We received emergency news from the Department of Homeland Security. According with intelligence they spotted mini-versions of Snowzilla through out the US. The DHS suspects that these are the spawns of Snowzilla, and they are awaiting orders to attack our nation. These abominable children are masquerading as defenseless snowmen, don’t be fooled!!! We suspects that members of bearrorist groups are comforting and aiding them so they can unleash a surprise attack! If you see these monsters in your neighbor’s yard, call the office of DHS and destroy these abominations as soon as possible! Only you can stop the bear invasion!

Rich still struggling in these hard times
Congress feels their pain, passes another bailout

'''Misertown, USA. December 22, 2008''' - As we reported previously in wikiality, the rich are being hit hard in these financial hardships. The crisis has affected many of the rich with unforeseeable consequences. The outrage outpouring support was so great, that we decided to continue our coverage! These poor rich bastards have done nothing to deserve this. You have not been forgotten! We the people of wikiality feel your pain and hope you will recover soon.

If you don’t believe that the rich is not having it easy, you should ask Kathleen Fuld, wife of Lehman Brothers C.E.O. Dick Fuld. She was saw shopping… *sock* at Wal-Mart!! This once rich golddigger wife (now a not so rich wife) used to shop at places like Hermès boutique on Manhattan’s Madison Avenue, spending an average $10,000 a week… now she is buying tube socks at $1.99 ON SALE NOW AT $1.45!!!

Mrs Fuld is not the only one trying to survive these miserable times. Many bankers and CEOs were forced to get reduce payments, forego bonuses this year and do the unthinkable… fire their chuffers, maids, gardeners, physical trainers, air pilots, private security guards, chefs, food tasters, accountants, and their most precious servant member of their family… they let go their financial advisers (they do their thinking for them. CEOs are not members of the math-squad!). Their finances are so hard, that they were force to forego their country club membership… uhg… and join a YMCA!!!

“Times are really hard… so hard that we were force to do something for the first time… we asked for a welfare bailout… but don’t worry, we will use the money wisely and then we will be back to our life of extravagant luxury, ostentatious lifestyle, gaudy possessions, extreme materialism, and everlasting decadence," claimed a CEO and banker.

Hang in there guys! We are all praying for your financial recovery.

Ex-Bushies and traitors win an all paid vacation
White House tells them to take their time ''' Machiavellitown White House. December 22, 2008''' - Many would have thought that the once loyal Bushies (and un-american traitors), would feel the wrath of The Greatest President Ever with such betrayal (I am looking at you Colin Powell, Susan Eisenhower, Rita Hauser, Scott McClellan, CC Goldwater, Dennis Hopper, etc.). But The Greatest President Ever is merciful like the baby Jesus and instead invited them to participate in a ruffle, and guess what? All of them won!! So if you are an ex-bushie (or un-american traitor) you probably won, even if you didn’t participated! What are you waiting for? Take the sabotage “special plane” that the White House has prepared just for you and fly to the Death Island “Vacation Island” at all paid expenses. Congratulations guys! You are lucky that Our President is such a merciful and forgiving guy… as well as dangerous generous. And Karl Rove says hi and no hard feelings...

GOP throws wild party
automakers and unions not need to attend

December 21, 2008 - After many republican senators lost their senatorial seats decided to take a long vacation to spend more time with their families. The GOP has decided to throw their annual gala event “GOP: The Greatest Party Ever” to celebrate another successful year. “Yeah, sure. We let the liberals win this one. We just felt sorry for them,” claimed a republican senator who lost his seat who gave away his seat out of charity to the poor liberal fellows. When asked if he was concern that the party was dead he replied, “What are you talking about? The party is just starting! Trust me, we are just taking a break. It is hard to be the most powerful party and not take a vacation now and then.”

We were surprise to learn that The Greatest President Ever and Dick Cheney were not present at the party. “They were busy… maybe next time,” claimed the ex-senator…

There you have it, rumors that the GOP is dead has been overly exaggerated. Let the party begin!!!

###

Emergency News: Mayors want to build Polar Bear Sanctuary!!!
As well as museums, schools, libraries and a water park!! '''Porkcity, USA. December 18, 2008''' – During the US Conference of Mayors some bear-lover (who we suspect is a secret bearrorist or worst… a liberal!) decided that American tax payers’ money should be use to built a polar bear sanctuary. “The polar bears are going extinct… some of them are going hungry or loosing their jobs at the Ice Polar Cap, Inc. factory… their food stamps is not good enough to feed a family! Can you feed a family of four with just one fish a day? I don’t think so… also we need the money to rebuild our zoos, museums, schools, and aquariums because they are vital to our economy and will create lots of jobs and educational opportunity to our children…” claimed the bear-loving-hippie-mayor. We the people at wikiality hope this is a joke, because we are not laughing and it is not funny. This polar bear sanctuary would only encourage more welfare on these freeloading lazy bears and embolden our enemies... and I dont need educashun either…

Meanwhile we are losing the war on terra there has been some unforeseeable delays in our victory against The War on Terra. Mother Nature has unleashed her vengeful fury on the sodomite-gay-loving city of New Orleans (aka Sodom), and its latest victims that whore-loving-gambling-all-you-can-eat-buffet Las Vegas (aka Gomorra) by burring them into tons of snow. Maybe that will cool them off. It is just a matter of time before other non-american-foreign-lovers states are destroyed…

Wait a minute...

This is the beginning of a Polar Bear Invasion!!!! Since Mother Nature is loosing the Polar Caps (aka The North Front) from our pollution water-liberating policies; Mother Nature has decided to move the polar bears into our backyard by unleashing her unholy snow storm!!! Mother Nature has decided to smuggle the Polar Caps into our country!! That’s it!!! It is a polar bear conspiracy! Bearrorist have taken over the Conference of Mayors and under the disguise as "human mayors" they will introduce bear-loving-hippie-liberal policies and terraform our planet into their own environment!!! WE ARE DOOM!!!

###

Financial Crisis at Wikiality
''We at wikiality were hit hard this year because of the economic crisis unforeseeable events. But not all is lost, luckily we were contacted by a reliable individual that promises us a 12% return in investments… all we need to do is give them our name, address, bank account, credit card account, all of our savings and shares, 401k information, and information of our friends and family members… we are save!!!!''

The E-mail:
 * From the Desk of: Dr. Bernard Madoff


 * MEMO
 * Bernard Madoff
 * Bernard L. Madoff Investment Securities LLC
 * Wallstreet, Nigeria USA

STRICTLY CONFIDENTIAL

DEAR SIR,

I AM THE FINANCIAL CONTROLLER IN THE Bernard L. Madoff Investment Securities LLC HERE IN wallstreet usa. COLLEAGUES HAVE ASSIGNED ME TO SEEK ASSISTANCE OF A RELIABLE charity COMPANY OR AN indivudual THROUGH WHOM WE CAN TRANSFER THE SUM OF US$30,000,000 (THIRTY MILLION U.S. DOLLeRS) WHICH AROSE FROM THE DELIBERATE OVER-INVOICING OF SOME CONTRACTS AWARDED BY THE CORPORATION IN THE TWILIGHT DAYS OF THE housing crisis. HOWEVER, THE CURRENT FAVOURABLE POLITICAL/ECONOMIC CLIMATE IN THE COUNTRY SINCE THE HAND OVER FROM Republican TO DEMOCRATICALLY ELECTED GOVERNMENT NOW PRESENTED AN OPPORTUNITY FOR THIS MONEY TO BE TRANSFERRED OUT OF THE vaults.

YOUR CONTRACT ADDRESS WAS MADE AVAILABLE TO ME THROUGH A BUSINESS CONSULTANT. HE ASSURED ME OF YOUR COMPANY�S VIABILITY AND CAPABILITY IN BUSINESS TRANSACTIONS THOUGH HE DID NOT KNOW MY REAL INTENTIONS, THIS ASSURANCE GAVE ME COURAGE TO LINK YOU UP FOR THIS PARTICULAR TRANSACTION, AND I HOPE IT WILL BE OF MUTUAL BENEFIT TO ALL OF US.

OUR CONTACTS IN THE CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA S.E.C. AND FEDERAL MINISTRY OF FINANCE HAVE GIVEN US A GO AHEAD ORDER FOR REMITTANCE, SO WE HAVE SET IN MOTION THE MACHINERY FOR THE TAKE OFF OF THIS TRANSACTION AND FURTHER ACTION WILL COMMENCE IMMEDIATELY WE HEAR FROM YOU, WE HAVE AGREED THAT AFTER THE TRANSFER OF THE MONEY INTO YOUR ACCOUNT, YOU SHALL BE ENTITLED TO 12% annally.

THE NATURE OF YOUR BUSINESS IS NOT PARTICULARLY RELEVANT FOR THE SUCCESS OF THIS TRANSACTION. ALL WE REQUIRE IS YOUR WILLINGNESS TO COOPERATE AND ASSURANCE THAT YOU NO CONTACT S.E.C., ALL GOOD. ALL NECESSARY PRECAUTIONS HAVE BEEN TAKEN TO ENSURE A NO RISK SITUATION ON THE SIDES OF BOTH.

PLEASE IF THIS PROPOSAL IS ACCEPTABLE TO YOU, OR IF YOU HAVE ANY QUESTION FEEL FREE TO CONTACT ME THROUGH MY E-MAIL ADDRESS.

BEST REGARDS.

DR. Bernard Madoff, SUPER CEO OF Bernard L. Madoff Investment Securities LLC

###

Child was denied birthday Cake
''”What are we? Nazi Germany?” claims child’s parents.''

Whitetrashtown, PA. December 16, 2008 - It was suppose to be a celebratory day for Heath and Deborah Campbell, for it was their son’s birthday. But not everyone welcomed this celebratory day. For someone reason many of the bakery stores refused to service them; we will call these bakers "Cake Deniers". The Campbell’s were surprised, “Is it because we are white, right? I knew it, as soon as Obama was elected president those damn *explicit* have taken over the country. Now all the blacks and minorities think they are The Man. This is just unfair!!!” Mrs Campbell agrees on it as well, “I always new this country was going down the toilet, we should never have welcomed such “undesirables” into our country…. I don’t know, maybe we should just ship them into trains and take them to far away camps in which they can “shower” them from the germs they carry, like intolerance and such…” The "Cake Deniers" are unapologetic about the incident. Luckily Wal-Mart was very happy to service the Campbell's with a free birthday cake.

''We at wikiality do not support intolerance and we think the bakery stores did an injustice to this poor child. We applaud Wal-Mart for their bravery in fighting intolerance and hatred. We the people at wikiality wish a happy birthday… does someone know what the child’s name is??…'' WHAT????? AND THEY NAMED THEIR OTHER CHILDREN AS WHAT????

We the people of wikiality would like to retract this story!! SOMEONE DELETE THIS ARTICLE, PRONTO!!!

###

The Greatest President Ever Returns from visiting the Iraqis
Iraqis welcomed The Greatest President Ever with flowers

December 16, 2008 – The Greatest President Ever returned after a long and exhausting trip, the most memorable one was on Iraq in which NOTHING happened. The President was impressed on how democracy was now flourishing and spreading its seeds of liberty and freedom. The Greatest President Ever got the opportunity to meet the prime minister of Iraq in which NOTHING happen. So awesome was his visit, that a secret admirer and fan of The Greatest President Ever gave him a pair of shoes as a gift. The man shouted something foreign but our translator was not there to interpret for us, so instead we think he may have said something like “OMGOMGOMG, I hope he likes them, those are my best pairs” that's what we think the secret admirer claimed. His passion and love for Our Greatest President Ever was so admirable that the Iraqi Minister decided that the fan won the secret sweepstakes for loving Our Great American President so much. The fan was invited to take a little vacation in one of Iraq’s most prominent resort, for probably two years at no expense. What a lucky guy! Many of our patriotic soldiers were also happy, and for some reason laughing at the recent visit of Our Greatest President Ever. When asked one of our soldiers why were they laughing, they couldn’t stop… so we are assuming something funny must have happen that we are not aware of…

###

Holiday Christmas Bandit celebrates Christmas in prison
citizens of Texas sighs relief

'''Beaumont, Texas. December 16, 2008''' - Beaumont police officers are bringing good news to toy stores around the city. The Holiday Christmas Bandit has been finally captured. This menace to society has cost thousands of dollars to toy stores across the city, the burglar hit at least 13 stores this holiday Christmas before he was captured by our brave officers. The last store he hit was the famous ‘Toys Czar Us’ toy store; authorities were shock to learn that the robber disable the store’s high-tech locking and security system, the “Homeland-Security 3K”. “I don’t get it, he was able to bypass the retina scanner, the finger print scanner, the blood and saliva scanner, the facial and voice recognition software… and this is one of our newest models! How is this possible!!” exclaimed the CEO and creator of the security device, then he learned someone forgot to lock the door we believe the burglar is an expert master thief so no lock or security system was safe. Never the least, the perpetrator did not count on the outdated cleverly hidden silent alarm system.

“It was a scary night,” claimed one of the brave police officers that arrested the thug, “as soon as we arrived he was ready for us. We were scared that he may use one of the toy guns… luckily instead he just lunge at us… once he was reprimanded for being ‘naughty’ he calmed down and confessed his crime…” The officers were congratulated as heroes, but not everyone was happy about it. The parents of the thief were aggravated that the thief/son was taken under their custody, “He is just a toddler! Are you nuts?” However, the police and child services disagree, “being a toddler is no excuse to commit a crime, he will do hard labor, maybe that will teach him a lesson.” The DA office had no comments, but we expect the robber will receive the harshest sentences ever, from 30 years in prison to the death penalty, after all this is Texas.

###

North Korea: The Glorious Leader Ever Wants An iPhone
cell phones still banned among the people to prevent them from getting cancer

''We the people of wikiality were forced encourage to publish this rare article because those PC jerks those great guys at Standards & Practices told us is a way to encourage more diverse viewpoints. ''

The North Korean Report
 * Pyongyang The Glorious City in North Korea, North Korea The Glorious Nation in the World!!!! December 16, 2008 - The Glorious Leader of The Glorious Nation in the world, Kim Jong-Il was disappointed when he could not kidnap invite that guy from Verizon to fix his phone. So instead our Glorious and Fantabulous Glorious Leader has decided to establish a new and improved mobile network. The 2.0 Network will also include a firewall in which everyone will be welcomed to be blocked, after all the Glorious Leader is trying to protect us from the filthy filthy content of what is called the ‘intra-net’ (I was told they were tubes…). After all I do not need naked pictures of women to satisfy my bodily desires… being corrupted by their unappealing music… or being tempted by their materialistic wealth… that leads to a lifestyle… of decadence… and corruption… and their tasty tasty yet filthy… food…. Errr…. Yes, the intra-net is evil and that is why our Glorious Leader will make this great sacrifice and explore this unknown cyberspace-land while getting that new yet corrupted symbol of wealth the iphone, so our Glorious Leader can learn the secrets of our enemies. The Glorious Leader will also have his own ‘five’ and all of them are our Glorious Military Generals, so we know our Glorious Leader will be protected from the evil intra-net and their corruption… and the naked pictures…

###

TSA Grounds Flight With Hundreds Of Children Aboard
At least three children on the flight had names that matched names on the No Flight List

WASHINGTON DULLES INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT, DULLES, VIRGINIA, December 4, 2008-- An alert TSA agent spotted several names on the manifest for United Airlines' Flight Sleigh Ride 1 that matched names on America's No-Fly List and called for the plane to be grounded immediately.

After confirming names of terrorists aboard the plane, the entire airport was closed down to thoroughly check both the plane and luggage for any hidden contraband and TSA scoured all security check points to determine how the passengers on the No-Fly List were able to get on board and if there were any other terrorists lurking in and around the area surrounding the airport.

The plane sat on the tarmac for two hours as security personnel re-searched every bag, discovering several containers that exceeded the allowable limit of 2 ounces. Several passengers claimed that the unknown liquids were actually life-saving medicines, but this has not been confirmed by Homeland Security officials.

Witnesses told Wikiality.com that some of the passengers wore masks, "I saw them with my own eyes," an unnamed, understandably frightened airline customer, who wished to remain anonymous, "some of them had special, personalized motorized vehicles that I've never seen before. You betcha I would've done something to stop 'em if I had to.  But, thank Jesus, the TSA was there and arrested every last one of those damned heathens!"

Along with the three suspects--reportedly ages 3 months - 2 years--TSA officials confiscated nearly 30 bottles of suspicious liquids, various needles and other sharp instruments and at least two bags containing foul-smelling materials wrapped in plastic.

"'This is a shameful act: terrorists using children to perform their dastardly deeds,' Homeland Security Director Michael Chertoff informed the media, as he solemnly shook his head, 'This is a new world we're living in since 9/11; we can't take any chances. America should remember this day as another day when The Greatest President Ever protected them from the terrorists.'"

In addition to being on the No-Fly list, none of the passengers had passports, counterfeit one-way tickets and the ringleader confessed to FBI interrogators that they were on the way to meet a man who fit the description of Omar Abdel-Rahman, the mastermind behind the 1993 bombing of the World Trade Center.

It may seem like Wikiality.com is breaking journalism ethics by saying this, but every American should indeed count their blessings that The Greatest President Ever was able to protect this great nation from the terrorist hoards so that we may celebrate the birth of The Baby Jesus this Christmas.

When asked to explain why terrorism always increases whenever he has a movie in nationwide release, Sean Penn tried to be gay with this reporter and could do nothing more than get in a few good slaps.

No further incidents were reported and within hours flights were again departing from and arriving to Dulles on schedule.

Mission Accomplished, TSA!

###

America’s Super Rich Suffer Economic Crisis
Congress will pass bailout to help these poor bastards

'''Beverly hills, 90210. December 15, 2008''' - Life is not easy for the super rich and the wealthy. This year Ed Liddy was force to sell two of his mansions, seven of his yatchs, and his private helicopter (he opted to keep the luxury jet, it was a gift after all). He also pawned several of his jewels, his Ferraris collection, the Mona Lisa (the real one, the one in the museum is a fake), and even his precious family heirlooms (which he had several), “Is hard right now. The bank wont lent me anymore, even thought they know I am good for it. If it wasn’t for the pawnshops, I probably wouldn’t have enough money to take that vacation trip to the Bahamas and that get away weekend trip to Las Vegas… oh, yeah, and if I have something left, I may use it to pay off my chauffer, maids, butler, the gardener, and several of my employees and help the company that I own, that is at the verge of disaster… maybe…”

###

Liberal animals and pets mourn the loss of their leader
bears still vote independent December 13, 2008 - Many were saddened to learn that one of the greatest minds of the Clinton’s presidency will be passing away soon, that great man… or rather cat, is Socks.

SOCKS' ADMINISTRATION Many don’t know, but some suspected, that Socks was the actual brain behind Bill Clinton’s presidency. The greatest economic growth? That was Socks’ plan. The trade deals and NAFTA? Socks’ idea. The Clinton’s foreign policy? All his, he even negotiated between the Palestinians and the Israelis for peace. The Clinton’s health care reform plan?… well not Socks’, that was actually Buddy’s idea (so was his ‘don’t ask don’t tell’ policy, he had to give something for the dog to do (Bill pressured Socks to help Buddy)).

THE "OTHER" PET For years Socks hated Buddy and vice versa. Socks felt threatened and felt he was ‘voted out’ when Buddy arrived and lost his position as principal presidential pet, after years of services with the Clintons. Socks felt betrayed by Bubba but he was still loyal to him, he loved the man… all liberals did. The White House staff suffered under the constant barking and bickering between the presidential pets. “It was a nightmare, one day the neighbors called the cops. It was a huge embarrassment, so we have to give them separate rooms…” Socks saw Buddy as a rival for Bill’s affection and approval, which we all agree he was more of a dog person than a cat person. But Socks hoped Bubba would turn around, after all he won Chelsea’s heart, brought America a huge economic surplus, and helped Bill to silence Paula Jones for a while.

THE BREAK UP But sadly it was not to be. During the presidential scandal and the possible impeachment of Bill, Socks tried to be there for him… instead Bill sought the solace of Buddy. Bill like always two-timed anyone that cared for him, and that broke Socks’ heart. When the term of office expired, they both went their separate ways. Buddy went with Bill and Socks had to settle for Betty Currie.

LIFE AFTER THE PRESIDENCY But life was not bad for Socks, he got a chance to write and publish many books, have speaking appearances and luncheons with the power players and brokers of Washington, and participated in Christmas parades. Socks even moved to Hollywood in which he mingled among celebrities’ pets. Life was good for him, but sadly at night he reminisced back to the good old days when it was just Socks and Bill… the days before Buddy. Socks never shed a tear when Buddy passed away back in 2002; instead Socks threw a celebratory party. This appalled many liberal pets and angered the NAACD (the North American Association of Canidae Dogs); it became a scandal, yet they forgave him immediately.

FAREWELL KITTY In June 2008 Socks started to became ill, he developed thyroid condition, hair loss, weight loss, and kidney problems. The veterinarians were worried that he was getting ‘too old’ and that he should take a break from his busy schedule. Socks tried to comply, but he felt there was still too much to do. He also hoped to see Bubba once again… sadly Socks soon learned that he had cancer, he knew his final days were coming.

SOCKS' LEGACY There are still lingering criticism against Socks, his dislike of Buddy who many still label it as anti-canine, his role in the Lewinsky scandal and his effort to silence Paula Jones, and few other controversial dealings. Yet many agree that Socks changed the political landscape of America, he brought prosperity to a broken economy, and he revitalized a nation to the 21st century.

###

Shocking News!!! Senator David Vitter Paid UAW To build His Car!!
prostitutes enraged, “That money could have been better used”

'''Jagofftown, USA. December 13, 2008''' - We the people of wikiality were disappointed to learn that Senator David Vitter does not support one of the nation's most vital institutional economy: prostitution. That’s right nation, Senator David Vitter does not care about prostitutes. Instead we learned that he is giving away his filthy, filthy money… urgh… to unions!!! Shame on you, Senator David Vitter. Prostitutes, whores, and pimps are a very important working class. They are working very hard and every day just to make a good living. Haven’t you heard that song that says “Is hard to be a pimp”? Everyone knows that UAW workers are nothing but fat lazy workers, that live the good life in their luxury houses, they get huge health and pension benefits that are draining the pockets of helpless CEOs, and get ostentatious wages. While in the meantime prostitutes are working very very very hard to put themselves into medical school, and honest and entrepreneurial pimps have to wrestle against the hazards of gangs, cops, and cheating hos.

Senator David Vitter, prostitution is a vital part of our economy, and unless you and your colleagues go back to your deviant ways, it could destroy our nation's economy. Get your priorities straight, say no to unions and yes to hoes!!!

###

Obama: Black or White? Pick a race we are at war!
'''The white/black/bi house. December 13, 2008''' - After Obama’s election a strange sickness has afflicted American soil. People are speaking in confusing terms that is causing chaos, reminiscent of the days when the Tower of Babel was constructed by The Greatest President Ever (dictionaries will never be the same). The seeds of confusion are taking root, causing turmoil on the nation.

Confusion aside we have decided to investigate the root of this “cause”… and the source is Obama! See he is trying to destroy America!!!

Some angry blacks decry that Obama is not the first black president, “Where are the certificate of authenticity yo? How can we authentify his blackness without it? He aint black/getto enough, I am telling you!!!”

“Then we are taking him!! Is time to reclaim his whiteness. For long white people have been oppressed long enough! One month under the black president elect was a nightmare... but a white president, that is acceptable,” claimed a group of white people (that are not racist against black people because they have at least one black friend that isn’t intimidating). “He is our first white president, we all white people should all be proud!!”

“Shut your mouth! He is black, his skin is black, his body is black, is not like he tried to bleach it! He is black and should be proud of it” spoke what we believe is a black man (we all people in wikiality are colorblind after all, like our great Stephen!).

“Nonsense! He is neither black nor white; he is both. He is our first biracial president, he is a bicultural president!!” claimed an egghead nerdinista who was booed for claiming that Obama “swings both ways”.

Other groups claimed that “Well… maybe Obama is just biracially/biculturally curious”; “He is half white, he sold out his half black”; “His half black murdered his half white” and so many more. According to a college professor maybe Obama is a chameleon, “He is white one day, black the next day, and multicolored some days… who can say?”…

“Look, can we at least agree that he is human?” said a lonely voice. Nice try, but we all suspect he is not from this world.


 * Update: After many considerations blacks, whites, biracials and "others" have decided to hold an election to vote on whatever Obama is black, white, or bi.

###

Canada Agrees To Buy Michigan
After putting itself up for free agency, Michigan joins the Canadian league for $3.4 billion now and unlimited water for the length of the contract.

DETROIT, ONTARIO, CANADA, December 12, 2008-- In a move that stunned the North American Countries League, the American City of Detroit has accepted the $3.4 billion salary offer in exchange America will relinquish the fresh, drinkable water of the Great Lakes to allow Detroit to join Canada's team.

"'I can't believe the Americans gave up such an important manufacturing base!' troubled Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper said, 'I mean, I may be Bush's Canadian poodle, and will give everything else away to him and his corporate friends, but this is a huge mistake! How can any world leader give up an entire city so easily!? As embarrassing as this is to America as a country, it doesn't speak well for Harvard's Business School!  I am unable to contain how pleased I am to be doing business with American conservatives, eh!'"

The trade was made possible when Republican senators, Bob Corker, Mitch McConnell, Jim DeMint, John Ensign, Tom Coburn and Richard Shelby negotiated the loss.

GOP analyst Grover Norquist believes Detroit can become an "experimental city" in the same way New Orleans did following the hurricane opportunity that allowed corporations to practice new and innovative free market theories without the hindrances of regulations, liberals or unions.

"I am looking forward to using Detroit as a blank slate for some ideas I've been working on for a while," Mr. Norquist told Wikiality.com in an exclusive interview, "there was no way that a hurricane was going to hit that far north, so we had to wait for all the foreclosures to clear the city of those pesky undesirables before we could implement the next step toward free market perfection!"

A CIA spokesman received a new bin Laden tape within minutes after the Canadian purchase of Detroit announcement became public, but are having trouble translating it. CIA audio specialists will release the transcript as soon as they are able to separate the few spoken words from all the laughter.

###

Dell will outsource jobs… to America!!!
''Indians not happy. The ones with the dot in the forehead, not the ones that we took their land, rape their culture, and sold them firewater educated to act civilized, gave them clothes, and introduce them to real american culture''

'''Jagofftown, USA. December 11, 2008''' - For years American consumers had to deal with foreign accents of non-Americans when they called customer service. And for years the companies kept telling them to speak ‘American’ yet these un-american workers were unwilling to shed away their foreign tongues… a simple request. “We give these foreigners jobs and good education, so they will speak ‘american’ to us so we can save big bucks. And how do they repay us?? They just don’t get it, speak American!!!” claimed a CEO while counting his money that he made by shutting down American jobs that he saved by helping these lazy foreigners by giving them jobs.

One CEO of Dell listened to their concerns and sought the wisdom of the free-market, “Well, if these injuns wont listen to our demands, then we will tuk away eeer jerrrbs!!” in a brilliant move he outsourced the jobs… to America! And to make sure you get that quality American voice that really speaks ‘american’, you can get this privilege by the low low price of a $12.95 monthly fee (or $99 a year)!!! What a bargain! Take that foreigners!!

However, not everyone is happy with the move. “This is ridiculous!! You people don’t get it! This move by Dell is outrageous. First of all we shouldn’t be outsourcing good jobs outside America while shutting down good jobs in here. And second why in hell would I pay money for a service that suppose to be free” shouted an angry consumer.

''We would like to apologize, Wikiality suffered from technical difficulties and we had to cut off the opinion of this un-american traitor hippie liberal who we suspect is an Al Qaeda agent. The opinions of the un-american traitor does not reflect that of Wiliality''

"I am happy with the idea. I never trusted those injuns," claimed a man in a white sheet. We think he was on his way to a Halloween party.

EVERYONE is happy with this idea and we hope that many CEOs will see the wisdom from this move. Long live the free-market!!!

###

Bush expected to receive Humanitarian Award of the Century
Blackwater gets second place

'''Whitehouse, The Greatest House in America. December 11, 2008''' - The Greatest President Ever is schedule to receive “The Greatest Humanitarian Award of the Century” take that Gandhi!!! In a surprise move, congress has decided to give Bush a deserving award after years of service to the Real Americans as well of keeping them safe from un-american terrorists, a humanitarian act to keep Real Americans safe!! The move was declared to be bipartisan and they couldn’t wait for the president “to get what he deserves”. Congress will be soon be filled with “liberals” and decided to give away this award as a way to remind them where they stand on issues of “humanitarian” acts to keep Real Americans safe.

###

National Tube Breakdown!
''Tragedy strikes the tubes! Nation-wide disruption clogs the tubes for hours! Porn comes to a quivering stand still!''

'''AMERICA, U.S.A.! DECEMBER 10, 2008--''' In what many are calling a terrorist attack of epic proportions, America's tube system came to a grinding halt Tuesday December 9, 2008 when a server broke and clogged the tubes!

"LOL U suck!" was the last message received by one of Wikiality.com's reporters before the tubes went dark at approximately 2 a.m.. It took over 12 full hours of rebooting the modem and calling the ISP before this reporter was able to log on and reply:


 * "That's what your mom said!"

No word yet on how long the restoration will last, or how many horses were used to clear the clog. Or, what if any response will follow regarding the texter's whore of a mother.

###

Clearance sale special!! You can be a maverick too!!
'''Ebay. December 9, 2008''' – Did you ever wonder what would be like to be just like Obama John McCain? Did you ever wish to be a maverick but have no time to run a costly and a possibly embarrassing campaign that could destroy your prospects of a political career for a senate seat? Well think no more!! Thanks to maverickness of governor Blagojevich and the infinite wisdom of the free market (and ebay), they have found a way to revitalize the American economy AND get rid off the bureaucratic and money waste process called ‘election’. “Look at it this way, we save tax payers money and I get a little piece of the pie. Everybody wins!!” proclaimed Governor Blagojevich. But there are some un-american elements as well as the liberal media calling foul. “I don’t have a ebay account and I was banned for life!! Plus the current bid now is $99,999,999.00!!! I can’t afford that!!!” cried an AIG CEO as he only had $99,999,910.35 on his account, thanks to his “diseased” grandma that left him a substantial amount and it is in no way misappropriating taxpayer money… again.

###

Emergency News. Obama may be alien overlord
'''Un-maverick town, Washington. December 9, 2008''' - We received news that the Supreme Court is preparing a shocking surprise to a Real American named Leo Donofrio (aka “fearmonger” because he is feared by liberals). Donofrio is the only Real American asking the though questions like “Why are the gays marrying?” “The world is not round!” and his latest scoop is the fact that “Obama is not a Real American, but un-american!”. Some would say he is the only real intrepid reporter of the Real Americans.

“Obama is not American, he is an alien from a far away planet. His father sent his only son to our world to save mankind… which means he is not eligible to be president!! Also I discovered that John McCain is not a natural born citizen, so he is not eligible to be president either!! ” commented the greatest hero of our time, Mr. Donofrio hopes to sign book deals and expects Hollywood to release a movie based upon his intrepid journey of how he unmasked the greatest swindle in political history who has nothing to gain from his spectacular accusations. We don’t know which planet Obama was sent from but speculations are that he is from some planet named “kerypton”, sounds Arabic.


 * Update: The Supreme Court just ordered a large order of cream pies, electric buzzers, squirting flowers, rubber chickens, and few other unusual items to be delivered to their chambers. One Supreme Justice replied our inquiry about the unusual order, “We are hoping to use it to “welcome” Mr. Donofrio, he seems to think we have nothing else to do…”. We think they are throwing him a party to congratulate his bravery and maybe throw a parade later this afternoon…

###

Real Americans discover new ways to heal economy


'''Motown, Michigan. December 7, 2008''' - In a desperate attempt to save the automobile industry a cult of religious fanatics Real Americans decided to sacrifice virginal cars into the altar to appease the gods of the economy God’s invisible hand that is spanking our economy. “In desperate times, we must pray and sacrifice for the greater good… so we decided to sacrifice these car and hope it will appease God’s wrath!!” claimed a local reverend. The sacrifice in question are three hybrid SUVs, an abomination of nature. They believe God is angry because we haven’t bought enough Real American SUVs and instead opted for gay-sissified un-American cars like foreign vehicles or “hippisavetheearth” hybrids. “We think God feeds from the toxic smog of fossil fuel vehicles, and since we haven’t meet our quota of pollution God is piss disappointed” claims local oilman. But do not fear, congress will approve a blank check to the CEOs of corporate America and soon enough they will be back to work to make those Big Real American cars again…

###

Canadian Zoo suffers crisis
The Canadian Zoo, America Junior, December 6, 2008 - Today the director of the zoo (aka “Governor-General” of the zoo, they love them big titles), was forced to call an state of emergency and forcefully shut down the Canadian Zoo (aka “parlement” or something like that) to protect the general public.

Two of its own bears (an alpha-gluteus-orificium-ministur bear named Harper, and a boobynus-crytoddler bear named Dion (a long lost bear-brother of Celine Dion)) have unleashed what some experts call a ‘bear-war’. While no one is sure as to why these two bears are fighting, there is speculation that their motives could be territorialism or part of a mating ritual to impress a mate. The Canadian Zoo has only one female bear (a publicus-ignoramus species).

The conflict among these ravenous bears have caused casualty among the animals in the zoo. Among the casualties were doves (democraticus publicus pax species), a turtle (kommunis intelligentia, a rare species), and a lion (honoremus rex). There is still no update as to the fate of a rare species of eagle (the constitunos aquilar). But experts speculate their bloodbath will end soon, otherwise the Zoo will be force to take the two bears into the backyard and shoot them both out of their misery (thought the possibility that both may have contracted rabies have not been dismissed).

###

Former child-star Knut faces eviction
Zoo will replace him with a younger penguin

We-are-not-Nazis-Germany, December 4, 2008 – Knut the world superstar of the animal kingdom will turn 2 this year. Yet, what it should be a time of festivity it is instead a time of somber anguish. For this once former child-star of the zoo will face the realities that comes with adulthood and dwindling fame. The zoo is planning to evict him as soon as his contract expires.

KNUT'S ARRIVAL Knut was born in December 5, back in 2006, his mother abandoned him after she run away with a grizzly bear. Yet this orphan was raised and mentored by his zookeeper and manager, Thomas Dörflein.

“Oh, yeah. Knut loved him like a father, and he was a good mentor while it lasted” replied Knut’s personal cage cleaner. “Those were good times…” Yet those good times wouldn’t last if secret anti-bear agents got their way. They decided they should have “eliminated” the mini-godless killing machine when they had the chance. Animal activist Frank Albrecht believed that the bear should die (that’s german for you), “De bear must die! For it is ze only way he kan be free, rather zan be at herr hands of decadence and humilliazion of being a pet”. Wolfram Graf-Rudolf, the director of the zoo agreed with him, plus the bear was hurting the zoo’s budget. Yet it was this controversial move that catapulted Knut into a celebrity status overnight. And Wolfram recognizing an opportunity for profit he exploited it to the fullest.

KNUT MANIA Soon there were Knut t-shirts, plushy dolls, Knut key-chains and other junk that at the times was cool to own. Knut even released his own music video and his one hit-wonder; the sales of the CD music made him wealthy. Hollywood even signed a deal to film an “inspirational” life story on the silver screen, which became a box office success. The movie won acclaimed acolytes and several awards, even an Oscar. Soon the zoo was taking large profits (the first in several decades). “Do you know how much a zoo director makes a year? Not enough. But ever since the success of Knut it was a wild ride”, commented Wolfram. And a wild ride it was, soon the zookeepers had their own chuffers and maids, they would drive in limos to work, Wolfram Graf-Rudolf invested half of the zoo’s profits in the housing market. As for Knut, he lived the life of a prince; he had it all, fame, wealth, all the fish he could eat and all the tail he could chase (both figuratively and literally).

By day visitors would flock to the zoo to see Knut, and buy all the crap they had on sale; by night the zookeepers and Knut would throw wild coke parties with booze, hookers, and have wild orgies late into the night…

THE CUTENESS DIES But the good times didn’t last, soon Knut hit puberty and that’s when troubles got started. People stopped visiting the zoo and buying the crap that they had on sale. “Who wanted to see a has-been 440 pound overweight godless killing machine? Nobody, there is no profit on that,” Wolfram replies. Knut, like many superstars were also difficult to handle, many zookeepers considered him to be a prima donna, diva, and drama queen, yet they only tolerated the little bear because of the money he brought to the zoo. But now at the age of 2, many have conspired to have him replaced with a younger and sexier penguin, hoping it will bring back the good years… It wasn’t just the zoo that turned his back on him, the public abandoned him as well. The acclamations and adulation that once resonated in the air were now silent filled with yawns. At a moment of desperation he even joined with Animal Planet on a financial project, a porno movie named “March of the Horny Bears: so hot it will melt the Polar Caps”, the movie was a financial failure and it ruined Knut’s career…

“Is crazy, they are kicking me out! After all that I have done for the business! They want me to go back to the North Pole… are they crazy? The polar caps are melting and there is little to eat there… but wait and see, I will have my comeback… is just a matter of time” replied Knut as he prepared to pack his belongings.

###

Obama gets the robot vote!


University of Florida, November 3, 2008 – The McCain campaign seems to be doom to loose, and the culprit are robots. “Everybody knows that robots don’t get to vote, but that hasn’t stop them on rigging this election. Think about it? Only robots know how to use the ‘series of tubes’ and their master Al Gore (aka Robot Master) is destroying our democracy!” decried an angry McCain staff manager. “If Obama wins, it will be the rise of the machine! Soon our toasters and microwaves will demand equal rights! Our cars will stop working unless we pay them equal wages, and the robots will run the country powered by human blood!”

The Obama campaign denied such accusations, “Not true. The robots run on hope, and they promised us they won’t uprise if we give them an annual tribute in oil…”

###

Breaking News Archive