The History of John McCain

John McCain is 7008 years old therefor he has a long history.

His Birth
John McCain was born on August 23, 5000 B.C. at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles, California. His birth was complicated. Liberals from Mars attacked his mother a day before the birth making the birth very complicated. Doctors at Cedars invented a new birthing method. They invented the Caesarean Section in which John McCain was born and his mother was fine. Many many many years later the birthing method was used again on Julius Caesar where is was formally named a "Caesarean Section" naming itself after Caesar. This was an act of plagiarism in which one day resulted in Caesar's death.

Childhood
He was a child for 2000 years. During his childhood around 4000 B.C. Aliens from Mars kidnapped him. McCain became a Maverick when he killed the martens on the spaceship and crash landed in Egypt. He survived and got his first job building Pyramids. He built the Great Pyramid all by himself with the help of 100 slaves.

Teen Years
John McCain turned 13 in 3000 B.C.. He moved to Athens, Greece that year. He started his career in the Military at that time leading his army to defeat the city-state of Sparta. He was a profit who predicted the coming of Jesus. He said "And Ye said our lord and savior will come with great force to take on the The Roman Empire."

He turned 18 in 1 A.D. He was one of the Three Wise Men. He brought the Baby Jesus an I.E.D as a gift to protect him from liberals like King Hearod. This can be seen in Monty Python's "The Life Of Brian" The Virgin Mary sent the I.E.D. to Hearod which destroyed him stopping him from his abortion rampage. He later became a member of the Twelve Disciples.

Early 20s
He was 20 years old in 33 AD. He witnessed the crucifixion of Jesus Christ. McCain cried and screamed so much it caused an Earthquake. He later planned the murder of Julius Caesar. He was the first one to stab him. He appeared to be his friend for so long but was mad at him. Upon stabbing him he said "What the Fuck is a Caesarean Section? I was born through that method first. You committed an act of plagiarism you son of a bitch!"