Curling

Curling
Curling is an imaginary “sport” which combines only the best elements of shot-putting, Aristotelian thought, and baking. It was conceived in 1845 by King Harold the Ne’er Do Well of Siam (1844-2006) and his imaginary friend, Murray. The object of the game is to throw large rocks, or “rocks”, down a large bed of ice with Kool-Aid circles and long-grain rice frozen into it, while simultaneously debating the Aristotelian meaning of happiness and creating a stunning soufflé.

The points system for curling is as follows:

•	Knock out opponents’ “rocks” while defining happiness and creating perfect soufflé: 0 points.

•	Knock out almost all of opponents’ “rocks”, while reaching an impasse on “happiness” and having soufflé fall: 4 points.

•	Be totally inept at knocking out opponents’ “rocks”, while deciding to live your life on your own terms, and chucking failed soufflé at passerby: 7 points.

•	Hurling small children down the ice as “rocks”, while checking out the legal ramifications of bestiality in various states, and blaming your mother for your recent diagnosis of Self-Undulated Casserole Kicking Syndrome (SUCKS): 15 points.

•	Committing mass murder: automatic forfeit of opponents’ civil rights. And a new car!

In 1935, the game’s co-creator, Murray, was arrested for stealing raisins. Although he was never charged with a crime, he was executed by a firing squad.

In 2005, curling became an Olympic “sport”, mostly populated by ex-rodeo clowns, aging spinsters, Conservative television talk show hosts, and other segments of society which serve no real purpose. While it is true that 450 people worldwide have died while participating in curling, it is also important to remember that no one has ever died while participating in curling.