Ann Coulter

Ann Coulter (sometimes known as "The Colt" for her shapely buttocks) is God's vessel on earth. Coulter is a Real American babe, with a sensuality so blistering that it has been estimated she and Michelle Malkin populate 90% of all male fantasies. After all, what do real men find sexier than a 40-ish, rail thin, bony, botoxed blond who with each passing day looks more and more like a drag-queen impersonation of herself. She is only surpassed in sexiness by Soledad O'Brien and Nancy Reagan.

Youth
Ann was born December 8, 1961 1962  1965 1969. In New York City. Quickly realizing they were surrounded by jews, the family moved to Connecticut. As a young boy girl, Ann learned from her father that poor people where evil, and that Jesus was white. She had many hobbies, including painting, horseback riding, and vomiting up all her meals because she was fat and ugly and her mommy said nobody would ever love her unles she was thin.

The Woman: A Bright, Shining Example of Contemporary Thought
Ann moved to the belly of the beast, where the largest percentage of liberals reside, to indulge her hunger for flesh. It was here in Hollywood that Ann was discovered by the cable news networks who were lookng for somebody with "interesting" beliefs to garner television ratings.

Beliefs
Ann has a rock-solid belief system, anchored by the knowledge that 9-11 widows are greedy profiteers, most conservatives are smarter than your average toaster, terrorists should destroy the New York Times, and liberals are gays who should be summarily executed.

With such a gut-minded approach to public affairs, it is no coincidence that Ms. Coulter has come into the zenith of her power under the reign of King presidency of George W. Bush, The Decider.

Ann has filled a niche in American politics with her 'Shoot First, then Shoot Again Later' approach to political discourse. This strategy has made Ann a multi-millionaire and her life, a modern retelling of The American Dream. A dream where anyone born into a rich, white, politicaly connected family can rise to be the best selling author of a series of semi-literate partisan screeds. God bless America (and no one else).

But Ms. Coulter doesn't do it for the money, she does it for God and Country. Ann wants an America that knows how to take it to the terrorists, when she created her doctrine in 2001:

Heaven On Earth
Ann likes to dream about Heaven on Earth and her quote her favorite New Testament passage: "Heaven is like New York City during the Republican National Convention.  You know New York, New York, but less Jew-ey."

Family
Ann is part of the only known living family that can trace their history back to the neandertals. This proves she is 100% white with no crossbreeding from Africa or the Middle East.

Children
We know she's pro-life, christian, subscribes to family values and traditional values, and hates abortion clinics, abortionists, and gay marriage. She should have a family of at least 10-15, like Stephen Colbert's mother. It's even more confusing than why George and Laura Bush only pumped out 2 kids (twins) or Dick and Lynne Cheney only pumped out 1.

Women like Ann and Condi need to spread their superior stem cells from sea to shinning sea. Some say limitations in transgender surgery prevent Ann from having babies. None! Not even adopted.

However, as the greatest living American woman, she has made an oath of remaining without child until America vanquishes all its foes. A child would take too much time away from her efforts to help America reign supreme. As more women live their lives by Ann's example, they will bear future patriots like Sean Hannity and, by transubstantiation, those children will be the children of Ann Coulter, proliferating her holy spirit for eternity.

Things That Make Ann Hard Hot

 * her luscious and flowing golden raven-rooted hair
 * her languid gams
 * her muscular tapering throat-accented neck
 * Fellowship of Christian Athletes
 * Men in uniform
 * Killer
 * Her nude Dennis Hastert etchings
 * Stephen Colbert

Books

 * How to Cook Liberals
 * Tuesdays with Morrie
 * Are you there God, it's me Hitler's descendant
 * The right to bear Word Bullets though originally released under the title, Can I have a second amendment chased by the first, I'm not full of crap yet