Opposite Marriage

Opposite marriage refers to the opposite genders required for a truthy marriage, which is the opposite of the identical genders required for one of those wierdo liberal gay marriage thingies they do in Vermont.

Opposites
Truthy opposite marriages consist of a person called a "husband," which is a male of the human species (and ONLY the human species!) who has been duped into entering the state of "marriage" with a person called a "wife." A wife is a female of the human species who has the superior intelligence to dupe a man into "marrying" her and becoming "husband and wife."

Truthy marriages consist of members of Opposite sexes, unlike "same sex" marriages, which aren't real.

In colloquial use, male is the opposite of female, because females have innate abilities to dress themselves, bathe, and never fart. Men possess innate abilities to consume beer, converse for hours about farts, and go months without shaving, immediately upon separation from the military.

Scientists, because they can't get dates, identify "Opposite" genders by the not-quite-opposite presence of the X and Y chromosomes. Women possess 2 X chromosomes, while males possess one X chromosome and one opposite Y chromosome. The Y chromosome alters the organism's genetic material, adding an inability to distinguish between blue and black socks, natural talent for remembering which way to turn a screw, and an uncontrollable urge to wear socks with sandals.

Scientists are now attempting to identify the "French" chromosome that makes women sexy even though they don't shave. It is believed that bio-engineering the "French" chromosome into American women will end America's dependence on the wimpy French for such essential import materials as croissants and Hermes designer handbags, while reducing the razor waste clogging America's landfills.

Marriage
Upon successful completion of her plot to become married, the "wife" will "submit" to her husband in good and Christian ways, such as becoming pregnant or changing his oil. The "husband" becomes lord of his domain and spiritual leader of his family. Eventually, the "husband and wife" have children and the "husband and wife" become increasingly less opposite. She may go days without shaving, begin drinking white wine, and discover the joys of farting. Soon, she looses her ability to dress herself without embarassing the children, and she may experiment with beer-like beverages such as Frambois.

Divorce
Divorce does not exist in Opposite Marriage. Opposite marriage is a true Christian institution wherein the government accords good Christian "Husbands and Wives" with special legal protections because God said so. Homosexuals in "same-sex" marriages do not deserve these special legal protections because the bible doesn't say "though shalt extend equal legal protections to gays." Furthermore, it has been discovered that the "separation of church and state" clause in the Constitution contained a tiny little asterisk in invisible ink. Nicholas Cage discovered how to break the code and found a tiny invisible footnote that said "except where good Christians prefer to combine church and state."

However, not all Opposite marriages last until "death do they part." If the husband turns girly, the wife turns male-y, or a hot young secretary is found to be even more opposite than the hot middle aged wife, the original Opposite marriage is nullified by the presumption that it was not Opposite enough. The government calls this a "divorce" but it is really just a clarification. An asterisk and footnote, if you will. Once the original marriage is dissolved, the "husband and wife" become "ex-husband and ex-wife" or "that bastard and that bitch."