The Colbert Report/Episode/492

Big Changes For The New Year!

 * Dr. Colbert began the show reminding America about the old drinking adage:
 * liquor before beer, never fear; beer before liquor never sicker
 * of course, Dr. Colbert followed offered an addition:
 * grain alcohol before egg nog wake up spooning with a seagull in a reservoir


 * liberal Alan Colmes has left FOX news to make room for Hannity's neck
 * there is speculation where he might go:
 * Air America Radio
 * MSNBC
 * go back to terrorize Smurf Village
 * will be joining Stephen in a new program called "Colbert and Colmes"


 * Alan joined Stephen behind The C Desk on his own chair


 * Stephen had Alan read off a list of words and phrases which he would be allowed to say:
 * Right again, Stephen!
 * Booyah!
 * Brilliant insight, Stephen!
 * Aw snap!
 * Hamburger, you're good!
 * Boom! Goes the dynamite!


 * They begin their first segment discussing Illinois governor and cranial muskrat smuggler, Rod Blagojevich's selection to replace Senator Barack Obama, who was elected president.
 * Blaogjevich did not select Plaxico Burress, but Roland Burris


 * after an extensive and well-cited analysis regarding the imposing taint surrounding Blaogjevich, Dr. Colbert remarked that the current taint is the biggest taint since Michigan Senator, John Longcrotch


 * Dr. Colbert was able to discover Harry Reid's true intentions after hearing Brown Haired Guy Who's Not Steve Doocey explain the democrat's hidden racism
 * Democrats only elected Obama to the presidency in order to get him out of their all-white Senate
 * thus giving him a separate, but equal branch of government


 * More proof that the Democrats are racist: they are fighting to seat Al Franken
 * a noted white man
 * may be black by Minnesota standards


 * Dr. Colbert insisted that his liberal co-host explain how racist Democrats are using a scale that ranges from "Archie Bunker" to "The Klan"


 * Dr. Colbert doesn't know how many blacks Republicans have because he doesn't see race, but Harry Reid does
 * Reid doesn't want Burris to vote or own property


 * The hero of the whole story is Rod Blagojevich, whose civil right's leadership should be rewarded with his own holiday


 * Al Franken may be seated and Stephen is outraged because he doesn't think a comedian should be allowed to run for public office
 * Blagojevich's next appointment may be Carrot Top or Gallagher, who can use Palosi's gavel to squash watermelons, but not in the racist way like Colmes inferred

SEGMENT3

 * Alan tells Stephen he has read Tek Jansen and deduced that Stephen doesn't like books
 * Stephen tells him to put the book back on the shelf then he introduced the newest episode of Tek adventures.


 * Episode 3 of the New Tek Jansen Adventures
 * Venus Williams!

Interview

 * John King
 * as Stephen goes to interview his guest, he tells Colmes to "stay"
 * White House Correspondent for CNN
 * new host for CNN's Sunday morning program at 9 a.m.
 * might call it The King Report

Stephen suggests
 * On The John


 * Stephen thanked him for getting Obama elected
 * King admitted he made mistakes on the run-up to the war
 * Stephen didn't


 * the buck should stop with Obama
 * it may have started with Bush, but it should stop with Obama


 * Presidents leave notes for each other
 * Bush's note for Obama may be a rebus

Epilogue

 * Dr. Colbert closes the show at The C Desk with Alan
 * talking about Bush's legacy tour and compares him to a 7-layer cake, the layers being:
 * resolute
 * family man
 * brush clearing rancher
 * man of God


 * Alan interrupts to say that Stephen didn't mention 7 layers
 * Stephen continues, by naming the other layers:
 * Good athlete
 * chocolate
 * coconut
 * graham cracker crust


 * Alan interrupts again, telling Stephen that he named 8 layers


 * Stephen fires Alan for interrupting him
 * Alan whines that he has a contract that says Stephen will have to pay him for 5 years
 * Stephen consents, writes the check
 * then Alan turns into a bat and flies away


 * Dr. Colbert invites everyone to watch tomorrow when the show will be:
 * The Colbert Report, Colmes-free Since 2009!

External Tubes

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