American-Indian War

The Indian Wars was a war between the savage Indian natives, and the peaceful, white colonists of America. This war was not one large, on-going war, but rather a series of multiple wars where America mostly totally kicked ass.

The First American Settlers
The first civilized people to step forth on America's Continent came in peace, so as long as the Native Indians followed two simple rules:

Unfortunately for them, the Indians found these unreasonably reasonable conditions unacceptable.

Christopher Columbus
Our first unofficial President, Christopher Columbus landed his 4 vessels on America's Continent in 1492. He immediately encountered some of the native Indians. He was surprised by how savage, uncivilized, and backwards these people were-they didn't even have running water. He was also startled by how friendly these people were...a little too friendly.

Every man, women, and child ripped off their clothes and offered to fornicate with Christopher Columbus and his noble crew. Quickly identifing these people as Godless heathens, who worshipped gold, Columbus rid these people of their sinful vice. In this case Columbus was so kind to take their gold so far away (to Spain under the watchful eye of the Queen) so they would not be tempted.

The First Thanksgiving
After sailing across the Sea aboard the USS Mayflower, dodging Kraken along the way, the Pilgrims had their first Thanksgiving with the Indians. This uncoincidentally, was also the place of the first football game (Redskins vs. Patriots) among the two peoples. However the glee from the premiere of this annual festival wore off quickly, for as the Indians undercooked their bean casserole causing everyone to get sick.

Indian Atrocities
Even after Christopher Columbus took their (sinful) gold away from them, and even after the Pilgrims showed the Indians how to play football, it became appearent that the peace could not last.

From the moment the peace-loving Americans stepped foot on America's Continent, the Indian's peace-loving, Jesus-accepting façade quickly evaperated to show their collective heart to be black as coal.

The Indians soon became notorious for their savageness, canibalism, love of "firewater", inhumanity, and genocidal slaughter of Christians and all those who were different from them.

The Roanoke Massacre
In 1585, God-fearing colonists settled in Roanoke, North Carolina, and just over two years later, disapeared. Such a disapearance might be explained that they were absorbed into local Indian tribes, or moved away, or tried to go back to England, or that even the Spanish destroyed the colony. These of course would be all wrong.

The truth is that these people were tricked then slaughtered (possibly eaten) by the Indians. We even know the Tribe, the "Croatoans". If you were to visit what remains of this settlement today, you would find a magical tree. Normally trees are evil, and to be cut down whenever possible, but not this tree. This tree clearly displays the words "CROATOAN" on its tree skin. This tree witnessed the whole massacre, and has displayed the perpetrators of this atrocity for the last 700 years.

Other Massacres

 * 1540 - Mexican, Hernando de Soto's town was burned to the ground, women and children were bayonetted in front of their husbands/fathers. 25,000 dead.
 * 1622 - Pocahontas lead tens of thousands of Indian warriors to Jamestown, Virginia. Here they buried alive some 16,500 Christian monks.
 * 1764 - 1,400 pregnent Delwarean women were forced to eat their involunarly aborted fetuses.
 * 1854 - Indians even hate the Troops. They killed 29 sleeping soldiers on leave from Iraq.
 * 1859 - 37,567 Americans were machine-gunned to death in South Dakota.
 * 1887 - What would an Indian massacre be without a good 'ole fashion scalping? Indians ambushed a gaggle of Girl Scouts while they were selling cookies.  Indians not as sucessful selling scalps as the girls were cookies. (Note: Scalping was only done by Indians!!!)

America Triumphs
tried peace offering of blankets through some devine intervention the blankets infected with smallpox

Americanization Of Indians
Americanization was such a success that those who describe themselves as "indians" has decreased 90% over last 500 years.