$cientology

$cientology is a cult created by L. Ron Hubbard in order to prove his assertion that the weak-minded Hollywood glitterati will believe anything as long as it comes out the talk-hole of a pretty entertainer and has nothing to do with God.



It's sole purpose is to give Hollywood elitists like Tom Cruise and John Travolta a pedestal from which to attempt to destroy America. It is in fact truthiness a cult, not a church. The only true church was formed by The Baby Jesus, way before Hubbard even thought of inventing a church to win a bar bet.

Meaning of "$cientology
The word "$cientology" literally means "the study of truth," which is not to be confused with truthiness. In fact, $cientology has as much to do with truthiness as the Democratic Party has to do with loving America.

Beliefs
In the beginning, which is sometime before the God's Country was created, there were aliens that sucked peanut butter and truthiness out of things. A large raft filled with these aliens, which was navigated by the largest alien, Xenu, crossed the border and snuck into a volcano on America's Planet. The aliens proceeded to blow themselves up using a tube from the internet.

The aliens spread like a disease in Hollywood. The Hollywood elite believe that these aliens reside in their bodies and that they need to get rid of them by playing lots of wii and giving the ghost of L. Ron their cash.

Study of History
As suggested above, $cientologists love the study of history, and as the Hollywood elite, they believe they know history better than anybody.

To prove how extensive his knowledge of the history of psychiatry is, Mr. Cruise proceeded to demonstrate an entire year's progression for a person suffering from untreated bipolar disorder in less time it takes for Matt Lauer to call for a commercial break.

Antipathy toward Corporations and Big Business
$cientologists have adopted an anti-medication agenda because they hate the big businesses that profit from medications.

Mr. Travolta also believes that the spread of homosexuality can be prevented through the practice of a specialized $cientological thetan suppression technique called "denial".

Dieting
Because $cientologists believe that they are infested with aliens that want to suck peanut butter out of them, $cientologists believe that one of the main ways to eliminate the aliens is to diet.

Structure of Cult
The cult of $cientology is currently run by Tom Cruise, a 183 year-old Hobbit from the planet of Uranus who now blasphemously acts as the $cientology "Christ." His mission is to banish psychiatry to the far reaches of outer space.

Requirements of $cientologists
Cruise needs plenty of money to accomplish his goals, so $cientologists worldwide are required to work regular jobs and give their money to the church cult. Truly devoted followers are also asked to run lemonade stands and sell diet-related books on weekends to provide additional funds.

Many $cientologists also work with the liberal media machine to attempt to convey their ideologies to the unwashed masses.

Most $cientologists sign a contract to work for the cult for 2 billion years or until the spirit of L. Ron Hubbard returns to Earth, whichever comes first. What $cientologists do not realize is that the spirit of L. Ron Hubbard returned to Earth years ago and is now inhabiting the bodies of Tom Cruise (40% occupancy), Kinky Friedman (10% occupancy), and Paris Hilton (42% occupancy). The other 8% of the time Hubbard oscillates between a state of infinite bliss and living in a cardboard box in the Davenport Iowa Super-K parking lot.

Example of Beliefs: $cientology Wedding Ceremony
As president of $cientology, it is Tom Cruise's job to pick a "bride" for a $cientologist groom. (Most male $cientologists prefer not to be married, at least to a bride, but are instructed to do so in order to better fit in.) As official "bride picker" Cruise usually looks for a female who enjoys lots of money, doesn't care about a loveless marriage, and will not speak out to the media about the groom's "secrets."



On the wedding day, Cruise introduces the bride and groom to each other for the first time. Cruise officiates the wedding where the bride and groom stand at an altar and hold hands. This is the first and usually only time that the bride and groom will ever touch.

Cruise physically examines the bride and groom to inspect for aliens residing within. Cruise then spanks the groom three times with a frying pan. Finally, Cruise asks the bride and groom whether they hate America and the Baby Jesus, and if they reply "I do," they are married.

Famous $cientologists

 * Tom Cruise and his ""wife"
 * John Travolta and his "wife"
 * That lady from Cheers
 * Just about everybody else in Hollywood
 * NASCAR driver Cole Trickle

Links for Notes

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