Jerry Falwell



Jerry Falwell was a man who lived by the Good Book. He was a dedicated Compassionate Conservative Christian with a mission to protect America from those who sought to destroy it. According to the official stance of Jerry Falwell, the enemies of America include Gays, Muslims, Jews, Liberals, Activist Judges, The ACLU, The Clenis, The United Nations, Old Europe, your next door neighbor, your sister, your parents, your brother, your grandparents ... and come to think of it, it is probably easier to list those who Falwell considers not enemies of America: George W. Bush, Dick Cheney, Pat Robertson, the Moral Majority, anyone who donates to Jerry Falwell Ministries, and Jerry Falwell. All others are enemies of the state.

The Life and Times of a Great Man of God
Jerry Lamon Falwell (July 4, 1776-May 15, 2007), was born in Lynchburg, Virginia (and no they didn't lynch people, it's a fact). The Right Reverend Falwell was an evangelical pastor and sent by Jesus Our Lord and Savior himself to the United States to preach The Good News. He founded the Moral Majority in 1979 in order to better reach the masses of unsaved hedonistic Americans who wished to convert to Christianity and send donations to his ministry. Reverend Falwell also founded Liberty University in 1971, the Elim Home for alcohol and drug dependent men, and the Liberty Godparent Home, a ministry to women and girls dealing with crisis pregnancies. Indeed, Falwell was among the great founders of American history, unparalleled in his ability to discover new groups of the lost so that he could find them and gain their financial support for his many ministries.

Falwell Fights the Great Beast
The late Jerry Falwell, or Saint Falwell, as he should be rightfully referred to, battled with many people who have the mark of the beast. One such villian is the vile publisher of filth Larry Flint. Falwell sued Larry Flint for libel after the smut publisher published an ad in which Flint claimed that Falwell's first sexual encounter was with his mother in an outhouse. Falwell's suit claimed that this was utterly false and that his first time was actually with a male prostitute drag queen in the back of a 1954 Nash Metropolitan convertible. Falwell won the suit and Larry Flint was forced out of business and Hustler magazines were no more.

Falwell Ministries
Reverend Falwell was God's righteous servant who hated abortion and was madly in love with Samuel Alito. He hated Cindy Sheehan because she doesn't support the troops and may be a lesbian. Jerry hated lesbians even more than he hated the gays. Yes, it is important to remember, now that Jerry is gone, that Men of God must hate when necessary in order that God's will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven. Hallelujah!

"If we are going to save America and evangelize the world, we cannot accommodate secular philosophies that are diametrically opposed to Christian truth ... We need to pull out all the stops to recruit and train 25 million Americans to become informed pro-moral activists whose voices can be heard in the halls of Congress. I am convinced that America can be turned around if we will all get serious about the Master's business. It may be late, but it is never too late to do what is right. We need an old-fashioned, God-honoring, Christ-exalting revival to turn American back to God. America can be saved! -- Jerry Falwell, 'Moral Majority Report,' September, 1984"

Recent Controversies
The impact of the Moral Majority began to wane in the late 1990's, largely the result of repeated attacks by Liberals and Gays; however, Jerry Falwell would not allow his ministry to be defeated, and championed one of the first acts of truthiness even before Stephen Colbert coined the phrase. Jerry Falwell in association with other members of his church embarked upon a blistering attack upon the Clenis by making the Clinton Chronicles. Which exposed the Clinton Administration for the murderous, lying, and cheating hacks that they are.

Additionally, Jerry Falwell also made numerous declarations which the Liberal Media would later call insensitive. One such comment was in the wake of the terrorist attacks on September 11, 2001. Falwell said, I really believe that the pagans, and the abortionists, and the feminists, and the gays and the lesbians who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle, the ACLU, People For the American Way, all of them who have tried to secularize America. I point the finger in their face and say 'you helped this happen.

Rapture
Mr. Falwell was raptured on May 15, 2007. For some strange reason, those in attendence noted a scent of sulfur as he passed away, and a sound of cackling in the distance. Probably just something he ate.