Unitarian

Unitarianism
Unitarians hate America.

Unitarians make The Baby Jesus cry by telling him God is not his real Father and he was adopted.

Just like agnostics are atheists without balls, Unitarians are agnostics without balls.

Unitarians are part of the Social Progressive Threat (SPT) that is tempting America with gay marriage.

Unitarians are Democrats.

Unitarians have many diverse beliefs, but all Unitarians are united by the drive to impress on you how many famous and historically significant people are Unitarians.

Keith Olbermann is a Unitarian.

Early Christianity: The Origins of Unitarians
The Unitarian Heresy can be traced back to the beginnings of Christianity, where the now more common Trinitarian belief was just one of many interpretations of the teachings of Jesus Christ. In 325 AD, Emperor Constantine called for a vote to pick one and make it the timeless Word of God, after which The One True Religion would be retroactively counted as infallibly having started in the year 33 A.D. by jacking it up by the rear axle and running it in reverse. Fortunately, the Unitarian Bishop Arius (inventor of the Arian Heresy) was outvoted by the Trinitarians or "Real Christians."

Despite losing the vote for the direction of Christianity in the Roman Empire, Arius succeeded in converting a large number of Germanic tribes outside its borders. The conversion of the tribes from paganism to Unitarianism was a waste of time since Unitarians are pagans anyway.

I'd just like to add that over the course of this dispute, Arius was once slapped by the great Church Father Athanasius. Athanasius' legacy lives on in the Athanasian Creed, in which we are informed that if one does not believe in the trinity, they're going to Hell.

Vandals and the Sack of Rome
Unitarianism turned the always peaceful Germanic people into foam-at-the-mouth Vandals. In the 5th century AD, led by their king, Geiseric, they rampaged through the Roman Empire, ultimately attacking Rome itself. Those Vandals caused the fall of the Christian Roman Empire, pure devilry that parallels the current Unitarian plans against the Christian American Empire.

The American Revolution
After being alerted that the "Redcoats" were on the move, Unitarian Paul Revere fled in the opposite direction, becoming America's first "Cut and Runner." Paul Revere also became the original "Enemy Within," by tricking ultra-conservative Michael Savage into naming The Paul Revere Society, The Paul Revere Society.

The American Civil War
Sumner Henry Needham, a Unitarian, was the first Union casualty of the Civil War - a blatant act of avoiding the fight to preserve the Republic, a slap in the face to the great Commander-in-Chief, Abraham Lincoln, and a bad example set for an unwitting 470,000 others.

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BOOKS
Nathaniel Hawthorne wrote the Scarlet Letter...

Transylvania : The Origins of Unitarians (An Opposing yet Tolerated Viewpoint)
Unitarians were once vampires. The origins of Unitarianism can be found in Transylvania. Numerous books and “experts” claim that a full century separates the rule of the “real” Dracula (1448-1476) and the Unitarian King John Sigismund Zápolya (1540-1570), however real gut research has proven otherwise: It is safe to say any former or current ruler of Transylvania is Dracula. Would you be safer to assume otherwise? Under the influence of Bishop Francis David, the vampire king, John II, passed the Edict of Torda, the first decree of religious freedom and tolerance in the modern history of Europe (1568).



The Unitarian Universalists: the Merger, the Horror
In the 1961st year of our Lord, and the first year of the dark times known as "The Sixties,” the American Unitarian "Church" merged with the Universalist "Church" of America. Universalists are werewolves.  This merger in the America-hating underworld gave birth to a new hairy red-eyed freak of nature: the hippy.  By the end of the decade these hippies had spread everywhere and sabotaged the Vietnam War, which America was winning up until the hippies appeared.   In order to avoid detection and become the enemy within, later hippies started shaving and using eye drops and using the name “Social Progressives.”

Modern Relevance
Unfortunately, the significance of Unitarian Universalism is deeper than previously thought. Thanks fully to the efforts of Dr. Stephen Colbert MD, PhD, JD, DO, DDS, their most secret and evil plan was revealed:

Their frustration at the lack of recognition of famous Unitarians was exacerbated when Al Gore, a Baptist(!), claimed he invented the internet. This was the last straw for them as they were trying to brag about Unitarian Tim Burners-Lee being the inventor of the interwebs.

In retaliation, the Unitarians have created a malicious plan to TURN OFF THE INTERNETS until they get the recognition they think they deserve. Little more is known about this act of terrorism except (1) only Unitarians know where the internets' off switch is and (2) they have entrusted in one of their blind clerics to pull the switch. America’s # 1 hero, Stephen Colbert, can be thanked for uncovering the plot, but in unusual fashion for someone who has always given America 110%, Stephen has had trouble finding this blind cleric to stop him. This is confounding because when not in his studio, working on his informative and award winning program “The Colbert Report,” (Mon - Thurs 11:30pst / 10:30cst), Stephen has tirelessly searched the universe for him.

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