Tucker Carlson





The jury is still out on whether he's retarded. Stay tuned to The Colbert Report for breaking news.

Tucker Carlson may have been the first baby to be anally delivered; the details of Tucker's birth are sketchy at best, due to the ambiguous anatomy of his mother. Jon Stewart got nailed by Carlson in 2005 on his own show, The Daily Show. Comedy Central canceled the Daily Show shortly after due to this nailing.

Tucker doing things we don't care about
In 2006, Tucker has been confirmed as a contestant on "Dancing With The Stars". Many people agree that his dance moves should be outlawed in 49 states and the District of Colombia.

Tucker's Dance Routine
What a dancer!! What a glorious, yet slightly overweight dancer!!

Tucker Carlson has done it again, suprising critics who theorized his routine would be so embarassing that ABC would go to dead air. Tucker turned in a spectacular turn on the dance floor! His routine was flawless, he was poetry in lightly basted skin and a bow tie.

The routine chosen by Tucker and his partner was very remaniscent of the dance scene in the film "True Lies". It began with Tucker sitting motionless in a chair, nearly parylized by the fear that his career had gone as far as it's little pundit legs would carry it. But then, in an explosive feat of motion, which can be paralleled only by the infamous and fleet footed Fred Flinstone. Tucker's career as a dancer extraordinaire was borne. He parried left, he skidaddled right, he was beautiful. A big, crispy golden browned send up to one Pee-Wee Herman. The judges, taken aback by his stellar performance delivered a score once thought impossible to attain, a 12 out of a possible 30. Dancers everywhere will be forced to spend lifetimes catching this multitalented rising star.

Tucker may be hurting America with his quickfire journalistic style, but those concrete feet might possess the gumption to save a once weary career from total extinction. Bravo Tucker, Bravo!

One judge in particular raised his voice in proclamation that Tucker's performance was "An Awful Mess". This is of course French for Excelsior.

Tucker's Dancing with the Stars Performance

Tucker's Elimination
Tucker was, sadly eliminated 1st from the Liberazi television propaganda show, "Dancing With The Stars". His closing speech included a thanks to his swarthy foreign dance partner. He praised her patience and explained that his learning to dance was akin to Einstein teaching retarded and physically gimped crack babies how to collect government subsidies. With his tearful fairwell, Tucker instilled in the audience the notion that right thinking pundits can in fact overcome the liberally biased talent scouts enslaved in the network television system. It is a sad day indeed when uberclassy, political contrarians must lower themselves to be judged amongst the riff raff of Hollywoods liberal basement, and actually lose. The good news is that Tucker will now be able to buy that new yacht with his earnings from his one-time television appearance. Thank you Tucker, you're living proof that nothing should come between a man and his constant search for that man-eating, sea-going beast Moby Dick.

Meaningless Factoids

 * They say that the length of a man's genitals is proportional to the length of the tie he wears; Tucker Carlson wears a bowtie. (Note: Stephen Colbert owns a 3 meter long tie he folds up and tucks into his pants) However, it should be noted that Carlson does NOT wear his bow-tie in a shameless attempt to promote himself as a braying, jackass cartoon character as many suspect, but rather because it functions as a fastener to keep his massive ego from snapping his head off at the neck.
 * Tucker's bow ties are all hand-me-downs from Orville Redenbacher, except for a few once owned by Senator Paul Simon which have been thoroughly cleaned and Martinized.
 * Tucker's only real talent is wasting space, which he does constantly.
 * Tucker scours the internet looking for blog entries about himself to complain about. If a blogger has offended him in any way, he goes to the bloggers place of employment (where applicable) and tries to get him fired.
 * Tucker's wife is incredibly wasped-out.
 * Tucker appears to be an incredibly smarmy douchebag
 * Tucker lives in Papa Bear O'Reilly's basement and pays his rent in sexual favors.
 * Despite all of this, Tucker Carlson supports the president, thereby making him an American hero, although one of the more douche-baggy ones. Look it up in your gut.

Tucker's "New" Make-Over
Tucker goes through a new make-over once every TV season, just to make sure he is at the top of the Arianna Huffington's webpage.

Here, Tuck is sporting the "no-bow-tie" look. Rock on, you trend-setter!

External Sources
Stalking a blogger WaPo report on Tucker's aggressiveness