Illuminati

Also called The Barvarian Illuminati, or the Hells Angels. They are a cult of smartasses bent on spreading weird looking drawings within America and the World. The members might belong to Satanic cults or Jesus-loving Gut religions. They are confusing because they encourage the use of truthiness, but rarely practice it. To be on the safe side, REAL Americans ignore any mention of their existence.

Backround
The Illuminati was created on May 1st 1776 by Adam Weishaupt, but gained popularity under the leadership of Karl Marx in the early twentieth century ...possibly.

They may or may not have been the direct cause of many disastrous events in world history, including (but not limited to::: your last bad haircut, The French Revolution, Lincoln's assassination, The Liberal Media, the Soviet Union and Women's Lib. In fact, they were responsible for every unjust act that ever occurred anywhere; when you stubbed your toe yesturday... it was the Illuminati! ...maybe, you see...

Great American Heros like George Bush are said to be members, but our Evil Arch-Enemies such as Michael Moore are also alleged to be members...

So here's what we're gonna do
We're going to make a sub-section depending on if the Illuminati are rightous upstanding gut preaching Truthy moralizers or if they're cankerous spreaders of malodious liberalism.

The Good
It's members do the Hard task of SHUTTING people up who disagree with Republicans and the Lord's representative, George Bush. Their covert activities only strengthen America and Her resolve to tell people here and abroad how to live their lifes, regardless of trivial laws only meant for poor people to obey.

To become a member of the Illuminati you have to believe in the Baby Jesus, his long lost twin; George Bush, Apple Pie, Baseball, and missionary style secks. Illuminati: BEAM ME UP!

The Bad
Its members try to obtain authority or influential status so that they may then corrupt American minds with atheist-bearism magick from within. Their mindless minions are most commonly referred to as Democrats. Their most influential agents are part of the Hollywood elite; ACTORS! Remember, Lincoln's assassination was carried out by an Actor.

To become a member of the Illuminati you have to be all book-smart and junk, you must commit tyranny, swear allegiance to Satan, sacrifice your first born child, and then join the Democratic Party.

This organization remains a threat to America's duty to be ignorant. Illuminati: Pack yer bags and report to GITMO!!

The Good
The symbol of the Illuminati is the All-Seeing-Eye, symbolic of God and Big brother, who both make us feel warm and fuzzy. This symbol can be seen on the back of any dollar bill, reminding us that with God-Money, I'll do anything for you. God=Money just tell me what you want me to do. Hence the time honored motto, "In God We Trust".*

* Rumored plans to change "God" to "Stephen Colbert" or "George Bush" would make our money worth MORE! BOW DOWN BEFORE THE ONE YOU SERVE!

The Bad
The symbol of the Illuminati is the All-Seeing-Eye, symbolic of the order's perverted gaze upon trustworthy Americans. This symbol can be seen on the back of any dollar bill. Placing the symbol on pure American currency is an ironic joke to Illuminati members, since cold, hard-earned cash is one thing they seek to abolish.

The Good
The Illuminati are hastening the coming of Baby Jesus and Television shows you can watch with your Grand Parents.

It has been revealed by Jesus himself that Satan fears their stauch family values and hard work ethic which will lead to the freedom of loving Jesus and Christianity as a world dominating, er,, embracing religion. According to Jesus, He and the Illuminati are best-friends. Candid photos are frequently taken of them holding hands. DOn't worry, everything's safe/ everything's cool.

The Bad
The Illuminati are hastening the coming of the anti-christ and the end of the world.

It has been revealed by Jesus himself that the Illuminati will Revolt in their Cause of New World Order led by the anti-christ (See: Colbear) and it will be marked by the spread of a freedom-hating government, the creation of a religious group of science-spewing god-haters, and a skyrocketing population of elephants. According to Jesus, the Illuminati will eliminate freedom, execute believing Christians, and make bears the world-mascot. This event will be known as the Bear Uprising of 2012.

The Good
Current Members of the Illuminati Include:
 * George Bush
 * His Dad
 * Basically everyone in the Bush family
 * Queen Elisabeth II
 * Colin Powell
 * Rupert Murdoch
 * Bilderburgers
 * Rockafellers
 * Henry Kissinger
 * The Trilateral Commission
 * The Council on Foreign Relations
 * David Xanatos

The Bad
Current Members of the Illuminati Include:
 * Robert Anton Wilson (He is still a current member!)
 * Hillary Clinton
 * Jews
 * Madeleine Albright
 * Colbear
 * Michael Moore
 * The Liberal Media
 * Amy Goodman
 * Rosie O'Donnell
 * Ace Frehley
 * CNN
 * All the liberal commie fact huggers that ever looked at you the wrong way!

ADVERTISEMENT
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Have you ever secretly wondered why The Great Pyramid has five sides (counting the bottom)?

Is there an esoteric allegory concealed in the apparently innocent legend of Snow White and The Seven Dwarfs?

What is the true secret sinister reality lying behind the ancient Aztec Legend of Quetzlcoatl?

Why do scholarly anthropologists turn pale with terror at the very mention of the forbidden name Yog-Sothoth?

Who is the man in Zurich that some swear is Lee Harvey Oswald?

What really did happen to Ambrose Bierce?

If your I.Q. is over 150, and you have $3,125.00 (plus handling), you might be eligible for a trial membership in the A.I.S.B. If you think you qualify, put the money in a cigar box and bury it in your backyard. One of our Underground Agents will contact you shortly.

I DARE YOU!

TELL NO ONE! ACCIDENTS HAVE A STRANGE WAY OF HAPPENING TO PEOPLE WHO TALK TOO MUCH ABOUT THE BAVARIAN ILLUMINATI.