Akon

Akon was born Alfranken Damutha Bougie al-Zawahiri Shakalaka Nacka Badapple Osama Thiam on September 11th, 1977, in Dakar Senegal. He is the second cousin twice removed of Khalid Sheikh Mohammed. He is a Muslim terrorist, and his religion caused him to marry multiple wives and he has children by 8 different women, and one additional who he denies. A DNA test, courtesy of Jerry Springer proved that it was in fact his. He still denies it because terrorists don't believe in American science. Alan Colmes was relieved. Terrorists do, however, believe in prophecy, that on the day Akon was born, he would be trained as a secret weapon and infiltrate American culture through the media. Unfortunately Ann Coulter put a spell on the bear that was pregnant with him. It caused neurological damage and facial defects, and he was born with a lisp. He was still, however, born with a mind control ability called swag. It is because of this, that even though he can't sing worth shit and is ugly, people still listen to his music. It is widely believed that he was recruited by Osama bin Laden and his partner in crime Prince Bandar bin Sultan in the mountains of Afghanistan, when the 5 year old Akon went to fight the Soviet Union alongside the mujaheddin. They ordered him to learn how to dance and then to go to America on his 23rd birthday on the back of a Dolphin. Since then he has been secretly infiltrating the American youth with subliminal Islamist messages. If he is not stopped, soon they to will become polygamist servants of Pedobear.