Department of Homeland Security/Featured

The United States Department of Homeland Security (DHS), commonly known as Homeland Security or HomeSec, is a Cabinet department of the Federal Government of the United States that is responsible for protecting the territory of the United States from attack by terrorists, gay marriage, and Lou Dobbs.

Primarily through its agency FEMA, the Department is charged with responding to natural-disaster photo opportunities.

Because it's the only Cabinet department created by the Greatest President Ever, this is the most Godly of all non-Rumsfeld Cabinet departments in the United States Government.

Responsibility
The department was created from 42 existing federal agencies, church groups, and Republican campaign committees in response to the terrorist attacks of September 11, 2001 and terrifying inroads by gay marriage proponents.

Whereas the Department of Defense is charged with military actions abroad, the Department of Homeland Security works in the civilian sphere to protect the United States within, at, and outside its borders except when there aren't any fences to tell them where the border is.

The Department's overriding goal is to prepare for and document domestic emergency photo opportunities, and to organize prayer circles for the brave victims of natural and man-made disasters. (See FEMA)

Balance terror and comfort
DHS is charged with striking a careful balance among the Real Americans between cowering fright and joyful optimism. It's especially important for DHS to stoke up fears in even-numbered years for a month or two before the first Tuesday in November. This helps the base citizens recognize the dangers that beset them from all sides, but especially from the left.

Size (It's Bill Clinton's fault!)
Even though it's a new department, DHS is already the third-largest bureaucracy in DC. This is Bill Clinton's fault. He made the government too big by collecting huge budget surpluses. This was not good for the economy because all that extra money was just sitting in banks collecting interest instead of being spent at Wal-Mart and Halliburton. It had to be spent somewhere.

Clinton also refused to build a fence to protect the District from hoards of illegal migrant bureaucrats, Arabian-Horse Association officials, GOP campaign contributors, and church voter registrars who flooded the city looking for government jobs.

Because of the Clinton Depression, job seekers poured into DC in massive human waves after the epiphany (ie, appointment election of George W Bush). It was a humanitarian crisis. Hoards of job-seeking refugees clogged the streets, preventing motorcades of black SUVs from passing. George W Bush was filled with compassionate conservatism and felt he needed to do something.

Effectiveness

 * See also: GOP Blame Game

The Department of Homeland Security has been dogged by persistent criticism in the liberal media for "excessive bureaucracy" and "ineffectiveness". This is, of course, the whole point of the organization. In keeping with GOP small-government philosophy, DHS provides a place to dump bureaucrats who might otherwise do something and ask for tax increases.



Nonetheless, the Department has chalked up a number of stunning successes during its brief history. Perhaps, the most remarkable was the lighting design created by DHS for The President's speech in September, 2005 at Jackson Square in New Orleans.

Hundreds of DHS staffers risked their lives to bring banks of floodlights and portable generators to the square. They swiftly organized a small fleet of rafts to bring the equipment through the skanky flood waters of the city. Several brave DHSers had to fight off attacks by hooligan bands of Democrats who were wading through the muck and tried to commandeer the DHS boats.

But DHS staff persevered with undaunted courage and managed to create one of the best backdrops ever for Our President despite the refusal of John Ashcroft to supply an aircraft carrier.

In 2006, DHS arranged a widely watched spelunking (cave exploration) adventure for reality-show host and CNN anchor Anderson Cooper. His cameras showed all 360 degrees of a challenging caving adventure at a cavern in southern California. When DHS location scouts discovered the previously unknown cavern site, they immediate recognized its potential for adventure vacations.


 * External link: Anderson's spelunking adventure

Organization
Directorates


 * Under Secretary for Photo-Ops
 * Chief Photographer
 * Chief Videographer
 * Assistant Secretary for Set Decoration
 * Assistant Secretary for Fox News Coordination
 * Assistant Secretary for Cyber-Blogging & Texting
 * U.S. Fire Administration
 * Pilot, Brush-Fire High-Angle Shots
 * Videographer, Brush-Fire High-Angle Shots
 * Center for Faith-Based and Community Initiatives
 * Under Secretary for Faith & Technology
 * Director of the Office of Revelations, Programs & Requirements
 * Director of the Homeland Security Advanced Biblical Projects Agency
 * Director of the Office of Hymns & Anthems
 * Under Secretary for Management
 * Chief Administrative Services Officer
 * Chief Financial Preacher/Director of Tithing
 * Chief Human Capital Chaplain
 * Chief Information Preacher
 * Chief Procurement Minister
 * Chief Security Officer
 * Under Secretary for Fashion and Color-Coordination
 * Under Secretary for Federal Emergency Photo Ops (FEMA)
 * Deputy Director of FEMA
 * Assistant Deputy Director for PowerPoint Flow-Charts
 * Assistant Deputy Director for Visio Flow-Charts
 * Coordinator, Cubicle of Blue-Screen Recovery
 * Assistant Deputy Director for Open-Source Flow-Charts
 * Coordinator, Cubicle of Open-Source Configuration
 * Coordinator, Cubicle of Alternative Open-Source Configuration
 * Coordinator, Cubicle of Standards-Based Open-Source Configuration
 * Special Counsel, Mediator of Open-Source Configuration
 * General Counsel
 * Director of Operations
 * Deputy Director of Operations
 * Assistant Director of Operations
 * Deputy Assistant Director of Operations
 * Assistant Deputy Assistant Director of Operations
 * Operator of Directions
 * Deputy Operator of Directions
 * Assistant Operator of Directions
 * Coordinator, Office of Directional Operations
 * Coordinator, Office of Operational Directions
 * Director of Response
 * Director of Emergency Prayer
 * Deputy Director of Emergency Prayer
 * Assistant Director of Emergency Prayer
 * Director of Thanks-Giving
 * Director of the Boot-Straps Division/Federal Insurance Administrator
 * Director, Office of Special Rights
 * Chief Information Chaplain
 * Director of Strategic Prayer & Evaluation
 * Deputy Director for Gulf Coast Blame Games
 * Regional Preachers
 * Assistant Secretary for Prayer
 * Deputy Assistant Secretary, Office of Prayer Development
 * Assistant Secretary, Office of non-Christian/unGodly Affairs
 * Assistant Secretary, Office of the Military-Industrial Complex
 * Assistant Secretary, Office of Strategic Revelations
 * Director, Office of Immigration Wikiality
 * Special Advisor, Asylum & Refugee Affairs
 * Assistant Secretary, Office of Revelation and Exegesis/Chief Intelligence Officer
 * Director, Office of Operations Coordination
 * Coordinator, Directorate of Coordinating Outfits
 * Director, Office of Counternarcotics TV Spots
 * Director, Office of Domestic Nuclear Disaster Films
 * Technical Advisor, 24 on Fox
 * Technical Advisor, Jericho on CBS
 * Special Advisor, Short-Form Disaster Films (RNC)
 * Director, Office of Marriage Protection
 * General Counsel
 * Chaplain
 * Director of Petitions and Signatures
 * Director of Operations/RNC
 * Deputy Director of Operations
 * Assistant Director of Operations
 * Deputy Assistant Director of Operations
 * Assistant Deputy Assistant Director of Operations
 * Operator of Directions/Focus on Family
 * Deputy Operator of Directions
 * Assistant Operator of Directions
 * Coordinator, Office of Directional Operations
 * Coordinator, Office of Operational Directions

Major Agencies


 * Assistant Secretary for U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement
 * Assistant Secretary for the Transportation Security Administration
 * Commissioner of U.S. Customs and Border Protection
 * Director of the U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services
 * Director of the United States Secret Service
 * Director of the Federal Law Enforcement Training Center
 * Commandant of the United States Coast Guard

History


Democrats like to claim that they had the idea for this department. Nothing could be farther from the truthiness. George W Bush was told to create DHS by the Baby Jesus himself. There's nothing even remotely Democratic about the department, except, maybe, its massive size (see above).

The first DHS Secretary was former Pennsylvania Governor Tom Ridge. He created a color-coded warning system that was mocked by gaylamofascists and the liberal media, but looked really good on the Fox News logo bar.

The chunky and nerdy Ridge was replaced by hunky Michael Chertoff who sports a stylish bald pate and has a commanding, take-charge attitude at press conferences. Chertoff recognized that the warning system was graphically challenged. To fix that slight problem, Chertoff appointed Isaac Mizrahi to a new post, Under Secretary for Fashion and Color-Coordination.

Shortly thereafter, Chertoff announced new Color Codes for Terror and Alarm developed by Mizrahi with the help of Colbert Nation volunteers.

Mizrahi was dresser for Michael Brown during the Katrina photo-op. His choice of an understated Nordstrom wardrobe for the FEMA director was widely admired.

But Mizrahi's appointment also set off a campaign of whispered protests from the God-fearing Christians who hold most posts at DHS. In anonymous leaks to reporters at the Washington Times, they complained that a "pink mafia" of "creative types" had conspired to "take over" the department.

One Real American DHS staffer told the Times, "We have wonderful and colorful flow charts for each of our offices, but it looks to some of us like that they just go around in circles. Our memos seem to disappear into a black-hole somewhere."

Jeff Gannon responds to criticism
Chertoff was vacationing on Fire Island and was unavailable at post-time for an interview, but department spokesman Jeff Gannon, DHS Assistant Secretary for Cyber-Blogging & Texting, told us in an exclusive email interview that the charges about a pink mafia in DHS are "bogus".

"It's simply not true," Gannon insisted. "I personally interviewed each of the former Congressional staffers and pages who were hired for creative positions in the Department.

"I know that these bitches couldn't conspire together to do anything," Gannon said.

"They're all bottoms," he added, mysteriously. Nonetheless, Chertoff was said to have been stung by the criticism. He is thought to have created a new office in the Department, the Office of Marriage Protection, in response to the whisper campaign.

But that office created a new set of problems for Chertoff when the liberal media complained that it was a conflict of interest for Chertoff to appoint activist preacher James Dobson as its director and RNC chairman Ken Mehlman as its Director of Operations.

Once again, however, Gannon offered a spirited defense of his boss.

"These appointments contribute to The Glorious Bush Economic Miracle because neither Dobson nor Mehlman take a government salary for their wonderful work in the office," Gannon said.

He pointed out that the office is just a part-time operation, anyway. "It needs to kick into action only at election time," Gannon explained.

"And besides," Gannon added, "Kenny is way cute."