Police Officer

A police officer wears a uniform and carries a gun. He can make you stop your car, or you can make him shoot your tires off, causing your car to run into a tree and catch fire, giving you third degree burns all over your whole body.

Police officers are our friends, unless you have something to hide.



Why do we have police officers?


America has police officers because we are constantly under attack. Liberals and bears want to damage Christmas and eat our honey, respectively. The rest of the world has police officers, because America has them and they like to copy us.

Where can I find a police officer?
Police officers live in the police station and drive in cars, and eat at the donut shop. Police officers are everywhere America needs them to be. Sometimes police officers are inside your computer watching to make sure you don't do anything funny with your tubes.

Sometimes a police man will pretend to be a homosexual and hide in bathrooms to catch them while they do their dirty, dirty business.

What do police officers do?


Police officers uphold the law. Police officers love The Baby Jesus so-o-o much, they sometimes put themselves into harm's way, just so we can go to the store and hear someone say "Merry Christmas" instead of "Happy Hanukkah" or some other satanic phrase.

Because the police do so much to protect America and The Baby Jesus, there is lots and lots of hard work for them to do.

Sometimes a police officer will watch the cars drive around and give tickets to the ones who drive bad.

Some police officers watch the internets for liberals who clog up the tubes or talk bad about The Greatest President Ever.

There are many more jobs for police officers to do, except most of them are in Iraq, cutting down on the number of tickets and unclogged internets tubes. Being in Iraq has lowered the crime rate in America!

Other police investigative sub-divisions include:
 * Vice Squad
 * Homicide Division
 * Narcotics Division
 * Gang Unit
 * Auto Theft Division
 * Missing Persons Unit
 * Airport Bathroom Detail
 * Special Victims Unit
 * Gang Rape Unit (one of our most popular units)

Who can become a police officer?
Daddies make really good police officers. The police have schools where they can teach daddies to become police officers. If a daddy is angry all the time, he can be a good police officer. If a daddy lives with another daddy, he will go to hell. Anyone capable of placing those around them in two separate groups...the good folks and everyone else including speeders, drunks and the mentally insane. It also helps to have an excellent mustache.

What kinds of equipment do police officers have?


Police officers must be able to find bad guys where ever they hide, so police officers must have the very best equipment to catch them.


 * Authority
 * guns
 * bullets
 * pens
 * computers
 * cars
 * high-powered surveillance microphones
 * infra-red cameras
 * warrants (maybe not so much anymore)
 * DNA

Police officers also use special equipment on routine traffic stops, such as:
 * tasers
 * tear gas
 * night sticks
 * attack dogs
 * firehoses

What kind of training do police officers receive?
Fancy kind..

Police Officer of the Year: The Brave Heroes of the Streets

 * Officer Johannes Mehserle has been awarded the "Bravest Cop of the Year" by killing a black man dangerous suspect who was resisting arrest. For his bravery he has been awarded a nice pair of golden bracelets and an all paid vacation time for the next two years. You deserve it, buddy. (The award will be pick up by his colleagues that won an honorary award, as Mr. Mehserle will be occupied that day.)


 * David Warren: for keeping the peace during times of duress and protecting the values of the free market over human value.


 * PC Stephen Mitchell:


 * Officer Policedonut372: for his bravery on filming an active crime on his cellphone rather than help the victim so he can upload it on youtube. You are making a great service to The Internets.

External Tubes

 * Heroic Policeman's Tube
 * Alternate Heroic Policeman's Tube!
 * Yet ANOTHER Heroic Policeman's Tube!!
 * Public Service Announcement with advice for citizens curious about avoiding arrest
 * Police arrests terrorist foreigner
 * Police to loose power to protect us
 * Police arrests whore
 * Police arrests dangerous man
 * Police captures dangerous drunk!
 * Police arrest attorney for disliking da police; attorney claims "bogus free speech" Police arrest gay man in connection to terrorism!
 * Police seeks escaped convict: calls for legendary tracking dog to hunt him down
 * Police Arrests Jackie Chan; Calls National Guard for back up!
 * Police to be honored with "Medal of Freedom"
 * Cop on Cop Violence
 * Sheriff Congratulates deputies
 * London Police to reduce street crime
 * Police to receive Award of the Year
 * Police Officer shots deranged lunatic: "It was self-defense!". Officer to receive commendation
 * Police Officer bravely defeats deranged mad man
 * Police officer wins Wii Championship!
 * Police use taiser on deranged lunatic
 * Police captures dangerous fat feminazi and taisers her into submission
 * Brave Officer to receive the Medal of Heroism
 * Police Officer promises to hunt down pedobear
 * Police arrests gays
 * Police officer assaults special ed student bravely arrests dangerous black man
 * Police Officers mistakenly shots home owner and attempts cover up while threatening his family Brave police officers shots dangerous Hispanic man and arrest suspects. No evidence of foul play found... except the 911 tape recording
 * Police captures dangerous black lady. Wal-Mart to receive Medal of Freedom
 * Police officer invest in Rape Kits
 * Police captures dangerous chinese terrorist
 * Police uncovers no crime against police. Great Job!
 * Police arrested demented girl
 * Police captures cartoon
 * Hippies sue The Police!
 * Local police officers declared Real American Heroes. Mooslim Administration to punish them!
 * Police to hunt down Real Rapist
 * Police officer brings gun to a snow fight: Are you lucky Punk?
 * Police finds new way to save money
 * Libural lies that The Police are racists
 * Criminal Pets threatens the Police
 * Police-hater goes to jail
 * Police kills dangerous animal
 * Guns dont kill people, cameras kill people
 * Hero Cop to receive Medal of Freedom
 * Police arrests dangerous law breakers
 * Today, a police officer was tragically glared to death by an 86-year-old bedbound grandma
 * Cops captures dangerous nerds. War on Middle Earth Averted
 * Real American Hero framed!! This is a travesty on our justice! clearly he is innocent!
 * Six Patriotic Ways the Police is protecting you!
 * Awesome cop goes free!
 * Citizens: All you can steal buffet coming to town!
 * Police stops sexual deviant: Declared a National Hero
 * Traffic cop stops dangerous teenager
 * Police demands Little Brother to stop making them look bad
 * Detective gets raise. Captures dangerous feminazi
 * Dangerous grandma threatens police
 * Black Bear threatens police
 * Police arrest deaf thief. Handicap not justification for robbery
 * Police breaks world record! Only takes 30 minutes to arrive on scene! Slow down, boys!
 * Sheriff Deputy misses target, will retake "Kill Target 101"
 * CSI free market to the rescue!
 * Missing: a box full of drugs. If found, please return it
 * Brave Officer to be rewarded with an all paid vacation
 * NPR slanders brave cop
 * Police to crack down on chess players: worst than crack
 * dangerous hippie threatens the police
 * Communist Government trying to undermine police work