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Breaking News Archive

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Ted Haggard Totally Ex-Gay Again
DENVER, COLORADO, February 6, 2006--

GREAT NEWS AMERICA!

The Rev. Ted Haggard emerged from three weeks of intensive counseling convinced he is "completely heterosexual" and told an oversight board that his sexual contact with men was limited to his accuser.

That is according to one of the disgraced pastor's overseers, who on Monday revealed new details about where Haggard has been and where he is headed.

When asked to comment, John Kerry said some horrible things about Dick Cheney's Lesbian Daughter that Wikiality.com cannot post without having to face stiff fines.

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Star Whores
America's Space Station, February 6, 2006 N.A.S.A., when not planning on trips to conquer Mars, are planning their own line of Girls Gone Wild, but in outerspace! Upon hearing about Joe Francis's overtures into the stratosphere, N.A.S.A. felt their turf was being horned in on, so they decided to up the ante and train their own cadre of uninhibited women. Since these girls are scientists, they are more likely to be Godless and prone to acting out in an unprofessional manner not befitting the title of a Girl Gone Wild.

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Satan's Handmaiden Demands Use of Air Force 1 for Her Entourage
WASHINGTON D.C., February 4, 2006-- An unnamed intrepid Fox journalist has undercovered another example of the Democrat's plot to destroy America.

Satan's representative in America's Congress, Nancy Pelosi, has demanded use of Air Force 1 when she flies around the country undermining The Baby Jesus' love, promoting communism and making everyone gay.

Rudy Giuliani, Republican candidate for President in 2008, was shocked and outraged by the blatant abuse of power,"'This is outrageous. If I were in charge of the Congress, there would be a lot more nightstick anal probes, I can guarantee you.'"

Few details were given regarding the insidious plot: However, one can safely assume Mrs. Satan does not have America's best interests in mind and if any of this were not true, she can call and demand a retraction from Wikiality.com.
 * Pelosi demands that Air Force 1 be available when she goes shoe shopping
 * Pelosi demanded a total of 4 jets:
 * Air Force 1, so she can soil it with her filthy, filthy agenda
 * another for her shoes
 * another for consanginous family
 * the last one to carry all the aborted fetuses she eats to stay alive

When asked why the reporter would not release his name he said, "I don't want the story to be about me, I have all the fame any man who discovered Al Capone's vault could ever want; This is bigger than any one man."

With that, the masked reporter ran off to save an old lady crossing the street.

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February 2nd Was Groundhog Day
UNDISCLOSED LOCATION, USA! USA! USA!-- In his annual celebration, Vice President Dick Cheney has poked his head out of Undisclosed Location to predict whether the existing political climate will continue.

"This is my favorite time of year," said an unnamed Defense Contractor who watched the celebration on Fox News, "and this year did not disappoint!"

The ritual has been the party for Defense Contractors since it began the day after Eisenhower gave up the ghost. It started as a prank amongst friends and has grown to include both Bush Family defense firms and is celebrated simultaneously in two countries: America and Saudi Arabia. Every year, Defense Contractors eagerly await the Vice President's emergence from his subterranian lair to declare how taxes will be alloted. This year, Mr. Cheney did not see his shadow predicting 6 more months of secrecy and no-bid contracts.

The crowd cheered and Mr. Cheney descended back into the earth.

When asked to comment, Joe Biden said Mr. Cheney was the most articulate and clean rodent-like Vice President in at least a generation.

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Kissinger Nominates The Greatest President Ever For Secret Plan To End War!
UNDISCLOSED LOCATION, USA! USA! USA!-- Dr. Henry Kissinger (friend of the show) has announced today that The Greatest President Ever has a plan that is so secret, that it will definately end the war in Iraq. "'I have seen the plan, and it will work. No doubt about it. There is no way that it can't. I just can't reveal any details.'" Immediately after the announcement, all persons within earshot instantaneously began celebrating!

But, as it turns out, Dr. Kissinger was not finished with his surprises: "'I was so impressed with The Greatest President Ever's Double Super-Secret plan, that I had to nominate him for a Nobel Peace Prize; not just for the plan itself, but for making it so secret and for making it so awesome. I am certain they will award him without having to compromise National Security by reviewing the plan based on my nomination alone. I know these Nobel people and they know me, and if I tell them I nominated someone for the Peace Prize they will give it to him.'"

Well said, Dr. Kissinger.

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Blasphemous "Knowledge Hole" Ruined For Good!
HOUSTON, TEXAS, USA! USA! USA!--

Hallelujah! The Lord God (praise His name!) has seen fit at long last to blind the Liberal Sodomic-Eye-Hole that had peered into God's sacred heavens.

Jesus!

Finally, We may be free from the lies and blasphemy that liberals have brought unto His Earth!

No longer shall we be subject to the desperate rantings of the scientocracy of nerds with a really big telescope!

From now on, American, Christian children will not be subject to anything that contradicts The Bible!

Only the Lord's Word will be taught!

"This can only mean one thing for my constituents," said John McCain, senator from Arizona, home to one of Hubble's replacements.

Mr. McCain continued, "and by constituents I mean corporations, and by jobs I mean government contracts."

The interview had to be cut short in order for Mr. McCain to catch the "Straight-Talk Express" before it left the station. ###

New Hospital to Help Heroes! Opens! In Texas!
SAN ANTONIO, TEXAS, January 29, 2007-- God Bless America! In these times of war and likely terrorist attacks, America needs to proclaim their shared love and patriotism for Our Troops.

And today, The Center for the Intrepid, the newest symbol of that love, etc. is having a GRAND OPENING!!! in America's favorite state, Texas!

A spokesman for the White House read a prepared statement: "'When America Haters say 'The Greatest President Ever doesn't care about the troops' he can show them this wonderful, privately-run, brand new, $50 million dollar state-of-the-art, rehabilitation facility, in Texas!'"

Attending the ceremony were all the regular Texas luminaries including The Greatest President Ever's mother, who gave the crowd a delightful look into here beautiful, beautiful mind:

When asked to respond, John Kerry blathered on about how the troops shouldn't be in Iraq for the benefit of Halliburton and other Patriotic Corporations and how, after the troops are injured, they will be sent not to the tax-payer-funded, government regulated, military-run Walter Reed Hospital, which was selected to be closed by the 109th Congress just as plans for building the private The Center for the Intrepid began, but instead they will be sent to a privately-run hospital (The Center for the Intrepid), which will more than likely be run as efficiently as every other Private Corporation, such as how efficiently Halliburton provided safe water for the troops stationed in Iraq and doesn't anyone else think it's weird that Texas is getting all these government contracts, like the Katrina Oral Histories Project, or all those [www.newamericancentury.org/ space-related research/National Security/communications projects] or the Trans-Texas Highway. And on and on and on...

Luckily, Wikiality.com began the interview last week and what normally would have been a 10-minute phone interview turned into a 4-day homo-revival necessitating the scheduling of several reporters to cover John Kerry spewing about his liberal claptrap.

This reporter is just glad it's over and we can get on with spending money on Our Troops ###

Colbert Wins Wager on Spirit-Generals Game
(NOTE: Apparently Canadians believe patriotism is the same thing as satire. Also note that the 'reporter' of this story claims Stephen asked fans to throw the annual reports onto the ice, something he specifically said they should 'not' do.)

Canadian Press 1/26/2007 11:41:44 PM SAGINAW, Mich. (CP) - Late-night TV funnyman Stephen Colbert had the last laugh Friday night.

The host of the satirical news program The Colbert Report, has thrown his support behind the OHL's Saginaw Spirit in recent months after learning the Michigan team had named its mascot Steagle Colbeagle the Eagle, as a tribute to him.

On Friday night, the Spirit earned a 5-4 win over the Oshawa Generals, a team that Colbert had trashed recently. Some fans in the sold-out crowd of 5,527 held signs referring to Colbert with one saying Spirit will win, Colbert will win.

See the full story here.

The Saginaw Spirit Demolish The Oshawa bin Laden Generals
Saginaw, Michigan, January 26, 2007--

In yet another demonstration of The Power of Stephen Colbert, the team that named their mascot after him defeated their archrivals, the Canadian terrorists, Oshawa Generals by a resounding winning score.

The Generals were deflated after the Spirit scored their first score at 10 seconds in and every fan threw copies of General Motor's dismal annual stockholders report onto the ice.

By the beginning of the 4th inning, the "Generals" used the copies to wipe the tears from their eyes.

At the close of the game, Steagle Colbeagle the Eagle had to be restrained from soaring over the "Generals" bench and annointing them with Freedom Sauce. ###

Chris Funk's Guitar For Sale on eBay
The BC Rich Warlock that Chris Funk used in the Countdown to Guitarmageddon to foolishly challenge Stephen Colbert in a Shred-Off is now for sale on eBay. We all know the solo was less than scorching, and that he was blown away by Stephen Colbert's (as Peter Frampton) amazing fretwork, but the guitar is signed by Our Glorious Stephen and other less important numinaries, and the proceeds go towards a good cause.

Papa Bear Comes to The Colbert Report!
COLBERT HEADQUARTERS January 9, 2007-- On January 18, Papa Bear O'Reilly and Our Glorious Stephen will appear on each others' shows This is seriously the BEST NEWS EVER! ###

Japanese Ship Tries to Block US Submarine From Surfacing
ABOARD THE USS NEWPORT NEWS, AMERICA'S EASTERN OCEAN, January 9, 2007-- In a repeat of 6 years ago, another Japanese "merchant" vessel tried to prevent yet another United States Naval Submarine from surfacing by sailing directly above it.

Six years ago, nine high school students died, when the Ehime Maru sailed above the USS Greeneville in some new-age version of their kamikaze Pearl Harbor killer ancestors.

And now they did it again.

The Japanese boat, the Ching Chong, went out of its way to prevent another nucular-powered United States Naval submarine (the USS Newport News) from surfacing in the same way one's cat prevents one from waking up in the morning by laying on top and doing that weird thing with their paws.

No one was injured, but the rickety little boat suffered some damage, although, how could anyone tell since it was already so dinged-up to begin with.

"These people should not be behind the wheel of any kind of watercraft," declared the unnamed Oil Executive who was temporarily piloting the submarine, "my kid can can sail better than that."

And he's right, according to just-released documents, Wikiality.com discovered that the Japanese boat was of such poor quality that even a Cuban wouldn't sail it.

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Stephen's Black Friend's Imposter Blathers on Liberal Media Tube!
WASHINGTON, POST, AMERICA, January 8, 2007-- Wikiality.com just learned that the man who poses as Stephen's Black Friend was given space in a tube of the liberal media!

Shamelessly claiming to be "black", Mr. "Carlos" deftly typed words about race and other fictional things.

Wikiality.com has just one thing to say to you Mr. "Carlos" (if that's even your real name): don't hate the playa, hate the game!.

Word out! ###

It's Battle Stations Time, America!
AMERICA'S HEARTLAND, AMERICA, January 3, 2007-- With only a few days remaining in the Greatest Era EVER! Americans are being called to arms to protect our way of life!

America's very own canary in the coal mine of freedom, Hal Turner (possible relation to Turner from "The Turner Diaries", has announced this warning from his bunker on the frontlines on the War on America:
 * "...the country is in mortal danger..."

Clearly, Hal is warning all Americans about the threat of illegal aliens and other assorted America Haters described by Mr. Turner as, "...tens of thousands who didn't give a s--- about our other laws as they murdered, raped, robbed, dealt illegal drugs..."

But they are also flaunting their "Constitutional protections" from due process to illegal searches and seizures as many of them have learned only one phrase in American: "... I will not be arrested because I have thus far committed no crime..."

Hal called out the aliens, with his own homage to The Greatest President Ever's "Bring 'em on!", "...the entire world will find out if you're real or just a bigmouth coward...", thus showing his balls and patriotism.

Come on Americans! We must support Hal Turner, brave American! ###

Liberal Media Selects "Internets Sexual Predators" Their "People of the Year" for 2006
THE PEOPLE'S REPUBLIC OF SAN FRANCISCO, CAULIFLOWER, December 17, 2006-- The liberal media have shat on The Baby Jesus yet again. In the most blatant slap in His Holiest face, "Time" magazine awards their "Person of the Year" award to "anyone using or creating content on the World Wide Web", which means internets sexual predators!

Good going, you filthy, filthy commies!

Now you have gone and made The Baby Jesus cry. Are you happy now? ###

Hot Stock Tip!
RED STATE, AMERICA, December 15, 2006-- Important News from Wikiality.com Insider Stock Division

Market analysts are now recommending immediate investment in the newest hot industry: Stool Testing!!! There are many subsectors to choose from:
 * equipment manufacturing
 * sample handling services
 * sample shipping services
 * sample testers and
 * sample analysts

Since the FDA has proven itself to be a part of the government and not in support of The Baby Jesus and all that is Holy, America's foods have become the targets of terrorist schemes.

No one has died from this (U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.!) but many people have become sick (at least not sick enough to need the services of the Pharmaceutical Industry).

And this is where the Stool Testing Industry can fill the gap while boosting their bottom-lines.

Call your broker today and tell them Wikiality.com has recommended the Stool Testing Industry as a must buy!

God Bless America!

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Halliburton Opens New Division
HOUSTON, TEXAS, December 15, 2006--

The world's greatest corporation has announced today that it will be expanding into the field of health services.

"We here at Halliburton are not out to make a buck, we just want to make America safe," said an unnamed spokesman during a phone interview with Wikiality.com, "all we are concerned about is the health and well-being of Americans."

The company allowed the press a short tour of their new fully-equipped Health Services facility in Houston. A small, snack was provided during a dignified poetry reading with Russell Simmons in the Kenneth Lay Memorial Free Market Auditorium. Mr Simmons later signed Official Halliburton Specimen Cups for all the participants.

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HEALTH ALERT!!!
RED STATE, AMERICA, December 12, 2006--

An unnamed health advocacy group has released a new unpublished study showning that certain food products designed for babies have been manufactured using birth control pills as their main ingredient!

The unnamed group goes on to say in their unpublished report that the real culprit is soy.

Real Americans are asked to gather all food products containing soy together for a church-sponsored bonfire.

Your pastor has started a phone-tree as this HEALTH ALERT is being distributed so that only The Best Americans can be protected from this menace!

Please note: if you or your child have been in contact with any soy-based products in the past 6 years you may have been contaminated. Look for these warning signs of soy-poisoning:
 * feminization
 * light-in-the-loaferness
 * anu-hunger
 * sudden desire for leather-based clothing
 * sudden ability to dance
 * sudden desire to dance

If you or any of your family are experiencing any of these symptoms, seek medical help immediately at your local church.

Wikiality.com will be following this story while drinking rBST directly from a Ggenetically modified cow.

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ACLU Tries to Prevent The Saving of American Troops
WASHINGTON D.C., December 11, 2006-- There is a battle being waged by American troops today.

But, it is not on the battlefields of a free Iraq.

No.

This battle is for the souls of the very troops doing the fighting--and yes --the dying just so some Islamo can worship Jesus Christ, Our Lord and Savior wearing a towel on his head while keeping his money instead of paying it to a government in a country free from civil war.

An obstacle stands silently in their way: the ACLU. Like an IED on the road to redemption, ready to prevent opportunity from spreading the glorious freedom that God has bestowed upon America's Planet, the ACLU has enlisted the help of activist judges to undo God's work.

Today, the Pentagon stands as a beacon of shining light guiding Our Troops to salvation. Yet, the ACLU wants to stop officers from saving the souls of the enlisted men.

Since the ascention of The Greatest President Ever to the White House, the Pentagon has been able to save the souls of troops with more freedom than the previous occupant allowed.

"Before an Evangelical was placed in The House of Our Lord, we had to hide," an unnamed officer told Wikiality.com today from his safe stateside office, "as if we were ashamed of something. I am not ashamed to proclaim my faith in Jesus! Hallelujah!  Now, I can share my faith in Jesus with the troops who must obey my every command.  It is very liberating!"

As the officer skipped back to his office following the press conference the room was filled with an air of Heavenly Sacrifice and rapture.

May The Heavenly Father smote every ACLU-card carrying commie where they stand, if they so much as think of preventing one troop's soul from being saved!

Hallelujah!

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John McCain Proves His Law-abided-ness
WASHINGTON, D.C., December 8, 2006-- Hallelujah! Finally, a real America steps up to the plate to defend America from Liberalism!

The Republican Senator John McCain has proclaimed his affiliation with the With Us side in the War on Crime.

Liberals, on the other hand, have sided once again with the Against Users, child molesters and all-around commie, pinko, homo, Jesus-hating, Hate America Firsters.

McCain drafted legislation today to protect Jesus' Internet Tubes from wickedness and other forms of filthy, filthy Liberalism.

"The following web pages will be held accountable in this life for supporting The Liberal Agenda," Senator McCain read from a prepared statement, "Web pages that accept images from their users; any Web site with a message board; any chat room; any social-networking site; any e-mail service; any instant-messaging service; any Internet content hosting service."

To finish the exhaustive list, a spokesman then took over for the out-of-breath McCain, "...any domain name registration service; any Internet search service; any electronic communication service; and any image or video-sharing service."

As the spokesman was treated with oxygen by a near-by waiting ambulance, a written statement was handed out to the assembled reporters, showing a web page containing more information.

When asked what her feelings were on the legislation, Hillary Clinton started talking about so many other things, that this Wikiality.com reporter got bored and walked away, I mean, seriously, she can't asnwer a question with a simple "yes" or "no" when asked if she loves The Baby Jesus?

Loser. ###

Liberal Taken Prisoner in War on Christmas
JESUSLAND, FLORIDA, December 8, 2006-- A liberal was taken as a prisoner of war by American troops in the War on Christmas today after attempting to sell un-American items as Christmas items.

"Whenever you have items that make The Baby Jesus cry, you cannot call them Christmassy", Florida's Governor and Presidential candidate, Jeb Bush said, "and porn is not Christmassy."

All-American soldiers working for a private contractor took the unnamed liberal into custody under the watchful eye of Mr. Bush and the 101st Emergency Florida Photo-ops Battalion.

Wikiality.com tried to reach Hollywood's favorite pornographer, Michael P. Keaton for a comment, but Rush was right: he couldn't stop shaking long enough to explain why he supports pornography, but not The baby Jesus. ###

Number of Reporters Jailed Hits Record
NEW YORK, NEW YORK, December 7, 2006-- Police officials around the world have worked tirelessly to jail as many reporters as they could in 2006 and it seems they were able to break their old record.

"I don't know what to say, this is so overwhelming!" a spokeman for the police said, "We have so many people to thank...first off to all the cops out there: 'you're my boys, yo!' To the courts who looked in the correct direction while we cops did our thing: 'we couldn't have broken the record without you, thanks brothers.' And, last but not least, we would like to thank the media themselves, without whose back-stabbing complicity none of this would have been possible. Thank You Rupert Murdoch, WOO HOO!!!" ###

WARNING LADIES
Some quantities of Stephen Colbert's Formula 401 may have been contamined by an unspecified number of David Crosby sperm at the Harvesting Lab due to an accident.

Please contact Stephen for a complimentary replacement bottle or in-home consultation.

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Cat Stuck In Tree
SACRAMENTO, CALIFORNIA - A cute, furry feline climbed a tree this afternoon and is still there. For more, please watch the following: 9j7o8ixbrLo

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Terrorists Infiltrate American Corporation
MADISON AVENUE, NEW YORK, NEW YORK, December 6, 2006-- File this story under "HOLY CRAP!" or maybe even, "SEE? WE TOLD YOU IF DEMOCRATS TOOK CONGRESS, TERRORISTS WOULD TAKE OVER AMERICA!"

Wikiality.com reporters discovered secret Mooslim terrorist cells inside a prominent American corporation.

For more information, click here.

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Divine Retribution!
BROOKLYN, NEW YORK, NEW YORK, December 5, 2006-- God's vengenace is swift and righteous!

Praise Jesus!

Within hours after an activist judge allowed a woman to hang a "peace symbol" wreath on or near her home, The Lord Our God saw fit to smote a liberal!

Finally, God will be removing liberals one at a time (Can't wait for Him to get to Satan's Minion)!

What a Father God is, no man could ever give His Son a better gift!

Happy Birthday Jesus!

Halleluliah! ###

Kennedy Family Trying to Ride Dr. Colbert's Coattails
CAMBRIDGE, Taxachusetts, December 1, 2006--

Ace driving instructor and Coattail-rider, Teddy Kennedy was exposed this weekend trying again to ride Dr. Colbert's Glorious coattails.

At the Kennedy Klan's school of Socialism at some place called "Havre'd" (spelling?), Mr. Kennedy posed as a man named "Chris Corcoran" and attempted to interview Dr. Colbert.

Ann Coulter and the students of her prestigious institute were able to see through the ruse in time for Dr. Colbert to escape unharmed.

Safely outside the orgy-torium, Dr. Colbert released a statement through a spokesman:
 * "If not for the brave actions of a few souls, Dr. Colbert would still be in the clutches of the hippie liberals to this moment. Dr. Colbert would like to thank the patriotic citizens who were able to free him from a Kennedy.  That is all."

When asked about his involvement in the incident, Barack Obama did not return calls. Wikiality.com can safely assume he was behind the entire filthy, filthy enterprise.

Check back regularly for podacsts of the entire incident. ###

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