Drugs

 Illegal Drugs, one of the worst discoveries of man-kind. They're also illegal. They send you and your first born child straight to hell. The government realizes this and has made every effort to make them completely inaccessible, incuding changing the Constitution, which God decided "needed to be done anyways".

Homemade Drugs
Smack or heroin is a semi-synthetic derivative of opium which is harvested from poppy plantations throughout the world in an effort to replace God as the opiate of the masses.

US President Theodore Roosevelt was the grandson of an opium trader in Southern China, sailing Clippers from left-wing, Satan-worshiping Massachusetts to Canton in the 1800s.



Over-the-counter Drugs
Some drugs that can be purchased without a prescription can get you fucked up too, but probably not in the way you want.


 * DXM makes you tired, numb, and other weird stuff, and can cause brain damage if used in excessive amounts or over a prolonged period of time.
 * Benadryl and other antihistamines will make you sleepy, dries out your skin like fuck, and can induce anticholinergic delirium in high doses, which you will never hear about in the news but is so much scarier than terrorism, no joke.


 * Pseudoephedrine will make you type really fast, but won't make you feel any better about the fact that you're 20 and still living at home and going to community college. Plus, methamphetamine, which apparently will make you feel at least somewhat better about basically everything, can be made from pseudoephedrine, and everyone knows that 1mg of meth = 100 baby Jesus corpses. Think about it kids. That being said, methamphetamine is available by prescription, so it appears that the FDA really is our guardian angel after all.


 * Codeine can suppress the coughing reflex and isn't available without a prescription in the United States because it can potentially lead to short-term happiness and non-aggression.

Most OTC drugs that have recreational liability are mixed with other substances to "deter misuse," so that by the time you're high, your liver has already ODed.

Remember, the FDA is here to protect you. So just believe it, or else your 9th grade health teacher will make you believe it.

Prescription Drugs
(See also: Prescription Psychotropic Medications)

Some drugs were placed on the earth with safer chemical properties so that scientists could find them and (for a fee) hand them off to people in need of relief from their pain. However, to avoid the pussification, this should only be done in severe cases.

Behind-the-counter Drugs
Behind-the-counter drugs is a way to free medicine from the greedy clutches of doctors and other socialists so that Americans may better enjoy the fruits of free market and God's gift of capitalism.

"Medical" Marijuana
Proponents of medical marijuana need to face it, they're simply hiding behind Grandma's oxygen tank. The real reason why they're pushing pro-pot legislation is so they can suck on a thai stick and watch the walls begin to pulse and breathe.

Illegal Drug Factoids



 * If you haven't yet figured out that Jesus Christ was the biggest pot head who ever lived, you probably still think that Marijuana is a "narcotic" that can cause "insanity" and "violence".


 * The War On Drugs has been great success in the last three decades, much like the liberation of Iraq from Al-Qaeda leader Saddam Hussein.


 * Teenagers and young adults who are foolishly pressured into doing drugs are weak and easily impressionable by those they know fairly well. The healthy way to solve this is by filming an actress, celebrity or Real American they don't know in front of a camera for 15 seconds to pressure them into doing the cool thing, by not doing drugs.


 * Lets face it, the majority of the kids that do drugs are cool. Obviously. Please, live above the influence by getting used to not being cool...or loved.


 * By doing drugs, you will slowly lose bone density until at which point you become a puddle of skin on the sofa. In this state, you are highly vulnerable to spineless democratic views.


 * Colbert does not do drugs. They are illegal and he does not want to be on the bad side of the Baby Jesus.


 * Colbert really does take drugs, like, c'mon. If you don't think so, you're probably on drugs too and just don't know it.


 * The Swiss are weird about drugs.

Famous people who did drugs and the drugs that they did do

 * Rick James, musician--everthing
 * Carl Sagan, astrologer astronomer--marijuana
 * Stephen Jay Gould, evolutionary biologist--"medicinal" marijuana
 * Elvis Presley, musician--barbituates, alcohol, Ex-Lax
 * The Beatles, musicians--amphetamines, marijuana, LSD, peyote, yoga
 * Rush Limbaugh, radio host--allegedly used synthetic, legal opiates
 * Moses, prophet--smoked "burning bush" (caused him to outlaw adultery which, as it should be, is still thankfully legal in the US)