Blessed Virgin Mary

History
The Blessed Virgin Mary is the mother of God, Jesus Christ. Jesus was conceived through the Immaculate Conception, a process that has only been duplicated once in the history of man (See: Stephen Colbert). While Jesus is God, it was not Jesus who impregnated his mother, but Jesus's father, God. It may be confusing to those who try to employ reason, but not to any Christian who relies on their gut.

God the father chose to get Mary preggers because she was the only woman to have ever been born without sin. Most women of Mary's time were immoral harlots and there is some evidence to suggest that their whorish desecndants migrated to and settled in the geographic region known as presnet day France.

Politics
Mary is a Republican, but she prefers to leave politics to men, since things like economics and foreign relations are beyond her. Mary is against abortion, stem cell research, gay marriage and women in the workplace. Though Mary is a Republican, she did endorse Joe Lieberman because "he's such a good boy, what a mensch!"



Factoids

 * Mary was a stay at home mom and breast fed Jesus (Liberal mothers do not breast feed, they use a bottle and then leave their kids in day care while they go off to their jobs, all of which helps destroy Americas family values)
 * Mary was married to Joseph, a carpenter who drank mead and watched chariot races, both of which were precursors to Budweiser and Nascar
 * Mary was a virgin all her life, she never had sex with Joseph, one of the prime reasons being that her first boyfriend was literally everywhere
 * Mary, being a Jewish mother, was always getting on Jesus's case about how he should be a doctor or lawyer
 * Mary would often have brunch with her sister, the mother of John the Baptist, and after a few glasses of wine each, trade backhanded insults over about who was going to be more successful (See: Jewish Mothers)
 * Mary wanted to name Jesus a strong Jewish name like Abraham or Ezekiel, but God said no as he didn't want people to be confused when they read the soon to be released "New Testament" as they were character names used in his previous works.
 * Mary is the only woman to have been born without sin (Eve doesn't count, she wasn't born but made from a man's rib and do you ever hear women thanking men for their existence? Nope. All we get from them is the introduction of sin and our consequent expulsion from the Garden of Eden)

Places Mary has been seen crying

 * At Ronald Reagans funeral
 * Outside of voting booths whenever someone votes Democrat
 * Outside synagogues becuase the people inside don't worship her son
 * At every screening of the Passion of the Christ

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