Non Faith Based Charities

Is it me, or do the Liberals not understand the concept of charity at all? Why would anyone even engage in such a self destructive activity like giving things away to people who aren't rich enough to afford them? The answer to that is Jesus! Disciples of Christ understand that through charity, they can secure they're place in heaven, right beside the form of Jesus, be it Baby or Adult, which best suits them. It's a simple supply and demand situation. We all want Jesus do get here lickity split, so we do the things that make him comfortable. Giving away things under any other banner but that of Jesus creates confusion.

The Greatest Decider
Our glorious President has long understood this problem. This is why as one of his first acts in office he chose to give grants and gift bags to Faith Based Non Profits, and leave all those other providers of "Free Services" out in the cold. Our leader is not one of those snobby braniacs who doesn't believe in the simple ideals of monotheism. He's a decider, and with that title comes the awesome responsability of deciding, based not upon some crusty old facts, but on what he feels in his gut. And lemme tell ya, Jesus is a filling meal indeed. A true believer cannot help but to respond to the all encompasing feeling which only comes after gorging one's self upon the great feast of divine enlightenment. In fact, our great leader may have actually been created from the godly enzymes of the creator himself. Put that on your plate and pick at it liberal bookworms.

"Other Charities"
Other charities, while possibly delivering the same services as Faith Based alternatives, lack only the best part of giving, they lack the promise of heavenly eternity in a post death world. In fact, some would go so far as to say that without Jesus, you'd have to pry their donations from the icey grasp of their cold dead fingers.

Use of Jesus' likeness for donation purposes only
Sadly, there is a faction of highly motivated donation seekers out there, who attempt to pirate Jesus' likeness in order to receive donations. Jesus knows who they are, and while our great Lord may be forgiving in this arena, his Stoic earthbound action figure, or as we refer to him, George W. Bush, is not so pleased over this. He has vowed publicly to use every resource at his command to stop this piracy once and for all. Jesus pirates everywhere, if you can read this, The President has got your number, and will not rest until you are tried in secret military tribunerals. So sleep lightly blasphemers, we are closer than you imagine.