The French Revolution

The Only Revolution: America's, Bitch!
In the late 18th century, the greatest nation in the world revolted against the British, had an awesome Tea party and rocked crotches so hard this generation of British citizens still feels it. Seeing how awesome the American Revolution was the French decided they would try their hand at it. Unfortunately, that hand was French.

The French "Revolution"
Now the factinistas out there would have you believe that the French Revolution was more of a revolution than the American because they radically changed the whole social and political enviorment of France, but these are the same people who tell you George Washington had slaves so fuck 'em! The truthiness of the matter is one day France ran out of food. While a good majority of peasants simply surrendered to hunger and died a few tried to get the rich to surrender bread and cheese and wine and... The race was on. The French "Revolution" was merely a battle between the wealthy and poor to see which group of French could surrender first. In the end, the aristocrats were a bit quicker and the peasants "won." Pretty pathetic, isn't it?

The Storming of the Bastille
When the King moved his army closer to Paris, the French people got scared like they always do, but because there were no armed forces to directly surrender to the citizens of Paris broke into a prison to steal caches of gunpowder. The guards of the prison surrendered instantly only to have their heads removed and put on pikes while Parisean pointed to them giving the thumbs up. As for the gun powder unfortunately for them, a group of Americans already broke in a couple weeks ago and clean the place out, suckas!

The Aftermath aka Who Cares?
After the "Revolution" wound down a bit, the French got bored and killed their king who surrendered his head to a giant blade. Colberistorians have debated whether this deserved a wag of a finger or tip of a hat. On one hand the French did not have blind and absolute faith in their leader leading to a wag of the finger, however their leader was French, and a pussy-like most French, deserving a tip of the the hat. Anyway, some guy named Robspierre (coming from the French 'Spear theif') takes over but, like three days later, is also sceduled to have his head cut the hell off. He tries to commit suicide but fails and ends up shattering his jaw. What kind of man can't even kill himself correctly? A French man thats who! Even though his jaw surrendered to the bullet, the French people decided killed him anyways.

Historical Ramifications
- Stephen Colbert's Great, Great Grand father single handedly killed three hundred French aristocrats before killing himself just so there would be one less Frenchmen around. Good man, even for a Frenchie. -Nazis found it suprisingly easy to take over France by denying them bread and cheese, their weakness. -America still #1 as far as revolts go -Lead to the Rise of Napoleon who managed to surrender his way all across Europe -Liberal Propaganda: Tale of Two Cities wrote to explain why the Death of a person who speaks English is better than the death of a Frenchman. WTF?