The Great Lakes

The Great Lakes are America's largest source of fresh water, and should be preserved and hoarded. For a time will come when rest of the world consumes all of their water, we will then be even more the envy of other nations (is this possible? It would be like trying to add 5 to infinity). At that time we will be able to trade one gallon of water for 1 barrel of oil. Energy Crisis solved.

Huron
Lake Huron is the second largest Great Lake and is the size of West Virginia, which makes it the second largest lake on Earth. It was discovered by the French who named it after some stupid Indian tribe. Lots of fish live (and have sex) in Lake Huron.

Superior
Lake Superior is aptly named, it is by far, greater and therefore more American than any other lake. It is not only the largest of the Great Lakes, but also the largest lake on America's Planet. One of the great things about Lake Superior is that it is another method in which God displays his wrath. Some of His most creative works involve shipwrecks and missing ships, and missing bodies. Shipwrecks such as the Cyprus made the lake notable, it was SS Ella Fitzgerald who made the lake truly famous. The Ella Fitzgerald disappeared during a winter storm in 1997. The ship and its crew have never been recovered. Lake superior is also known for never returning her dead. Perhaps the lake has a taste for human flesh.

Erie
Lake Erie is the 4th largest Great Lake (which makes it also the 4th largest lake in the world). Something isn't quite right about Lake Erie...perhaps it is the close proximity to Cleveland that makes Erie so unsettling.

One positive feature of Lake Erie is Niagara Falls. Niagara Falls has lured both daredevils and barrel enthusiasts alike for thousands of years.



Michigan
Lake Michigan (also known as the "Penis Lake", due to it's flaccid appearance), is the third largest Great Lake (and third largest lake in the world). Lake Michigan is the most polluted, and coincidentally, it is the only Great Lake wholly within the borders of the United States.

Lake Michigan contains a great number of tourist resort towns known for their sandy beaches and warm summer water temperatures. These vacation destinations include places like Gary, Indiana, Racine, Wisconsin, Benton Harbor, Michigan, and the ever popular Sheboygan, Wisconsin.

Ontario
Technically considered one of America's great lakes, but Canada (look at its name!) can have it...after all, this "Great" Lake is the runt of family. The Canadians have neglected their lake so much that Lake Ontario is the entry way for all of the Great Lake's invasive species. These invasive species are better outlined below. Like all Canadians, Lake Ontario enjoys speaking French, socialism, and fart jokes.

Gold
Like the Nazis, The Great Lakes have hidden their gold deposits very carefully. Unlike Nazi Gold which are molded into convenient kilogram 2.20462262 pound bars, Great Lake Gold can be commonly found in flake, or at most, nugget form. United States Geologists know that 1,100 tons of gold are still undescovered in the Great Lakes region. This means that 99% of the World's undiscovered gold lays in America.

Fish
Despite the constant (and nagging) colloquy of its talking fish, the Great Lakes are blessed to have a great number of these aquatic creatures. Both the both poisoned and non-poisoned varieties. There are over 150 different species of fish living in the Great Lakes today, of which, nearly 77% are indiginous. Luckily, there are no sharks swimming in our lakes looking for humans to eat. In fact there are no sharks at all.

Chemical And Waste Disposal
Like a Real American, these vast lakes do a great service for America. They provide a spot to dump wastes, helping maintain the superficial appearence of cleanliness of the USA. Garbage, raw sewage, animal (and sometimes human) carcusses, industrial waste are all disposed of in the Great Lakes. In fact, last year, 110 million gallons of chemical waste were dumped into the Great Lakes.

Our Great Lakes should be protected from jealous Canadians wanting them for their own purposes. Some might say that these lakes should not have Chemicals and deer carcusses dumped in them, but the United States can (and will) because they are ours. America should protect our lakes if for this purpose, because the Great Mormon Lake isn't getting any bigger.

Great Lakes Under Seige
It is bad enough that are lakes have sea monsters, invasive species   terrorists of the lakes.



Bears
As with mostly everything, bears are a constant threat to the Great Lakes.

New Threats
Ebola-like virus killing fish