TSA

The Transportation and Security Administration (TSA) is a group of people making America safe. If you have nothing to hide, you won't argue with them. You won't argue with any command they give you. You will take off whatever clothes they tell you. You will pose for whatever pictures they insist are necessary for keeping America safe.

The TSA is the main reason no terrorists have been able to get onto planes in the US. They are also the reason, no passengers have been able to get onto planes in the US. The TSA has been able to achieve this unprecedented level of success by creating and implementing the List of Banned Substances, or the "BS".

= Rape Enhanced Pat Down Techniques= The Enhanced Pat Down Techniques is one of the new tools that is helping America to combat terrorism by groping would-be terrorists for freedom! Just like Enhanced Interrogation Techniques, Enhanced Pat Down Techniques is helping us to secure America and deterring terrorist activities by humiliating our own citizens. After such a display of humiliation there is no way a terrorist will ever fly again.

Along with the usage of the Pat Down, the TSA is using a porno machine an X-Ray Vision machine to look at the genitalia of people to be uploaded on the internet to be sold as porn to help them look for WMDs hidden on people's butt or genitalia, it is an ugly business but someone has to do it. Luckily there is no shortage of volunteers (alot of them are even willing to work for free, even better if they are allowed to pat down children mini-terrorists and terror babies for they are willing to pay tons of money for such a patriotic honor).

The TSA has promised that they will continue groping Americans until we are safe. We must do it for America, we must do it for freedom.



The BS
Here is a sampling of the many items the TSA has banned from all flights originating from the US, or bound for the US, from other non-US places:


 * 1) hair gel
 * 2) shampoo
 * 3) perfume
 * 4) cologne
 * 5) toiletries
 * 6) personal grooming utensils
 * 7) dildos
 * 8) luggage
 * 1) books written by J.K. Rowling
 * 2) shoes
 * 3) cell phones
 * 4) pens, pencils
 * 5) glasses
 * 6) Emmys, or any other "award"
 * 7) boobs

Items the TSA Allows on Flights

 * match books
 * lighters
 * Tom Cruise
 * toupees
 * gun parts no larger than 2"
 * bomb parts lighter than 4 ounces
 * prescription Viagra

External Tubes

 * TSA gets new volunteers
 * TSA willing to work for less as professional sexual harassers
 * TSA arrests witch
 * Mooslim terrorists to smuggle bombs up their butts
 * Terrorists to use their balls as WMDs
 * TSA happy with their new porno machine
 * un-american Terrorist traitor refuses to be molested for America