Africa/Featured



Africa is supposedly a continent somewhere. This "Africa", as it is called, may or may not actually exist. Urban legends indicate that the human race began there, when it either was created by God, or was shapeshifted from monkeys by Charles Darwin's magic wand. Nobody really knows what goes on there. And nobody really cares, either.

The most recent speculation places the country of Africa somewhere in between China and Egypt. CIA sources have yet to confirm this, probably because they have much better things to do than even think about Africa.

Demographics
Black people live here. It is the ancestral home of African-Americans. It is hoped that someday African-Americans will return to their ancestral homeland and reclaim it just as our Israeli Jewishy friends have theirs.

Fauna
Home to the African elephant, their population has tripled thanks to Christian values, Corporate donations, and America. Bush administration experts are negotiating a deal to move some of the excess elephants to New Orleans to serve as a natural dike.

Africa is the native environment of the majestic AIDS, a species threatened by recent (failed) attempts at sex education and abortion rights activists.

History
Regardless of whether or not Africa actually exists, Saddam Hussein purchased yellowcake from some place in it to build nucular weapons.

Also, again, despite the fact that the existence of Africa is in serious question, one million patriotic American soldiers still fought in it during World War II.

United States of Africa


Among the countryettes that may or may not be in Africa are:


 * Tunisia, supposedly the most prosperous and evolving country in Africa. It gave its old name Ifriquia to the whole continent around the second century BC.
 * Madagascar, pearl and/or tumor of the Indian Ocean.
 * Morocco, named after maracas.
 * Republic of the Congo, homeland of Donkey Kong (who also may or may not exist).
 * Democratic Republic of the Congo, where the phrase is "wine flows like blood" rather than the other way around.
 * People's Democratic Republic of the Congo, help.
 * Zimbabwe, which went from a 90% literacy rate to a 65% one over the last four years. That's pretty fucking sad, guys.
 * the Seychelles, Africa's Hawaii.
 * Cape Verde, Africa's Hawaii's Portugal.
 * Liberia, originally founded by freed American slaves (which may or may not have happened). Working hard to become a serious competitor for the Most African Civil War awards.
 * Cameroon, where they're annoyed to not still be confused with Cameron Diaz.
 * Sudan, the biggest country in Africa.
 * Rwanda: beware underestimating the Tutsis for their charming and amusing name.
 * Ethiopia, where common exports include coffee and starving children.
 * Zambia, a place with diamonds.
 * the Central African Republic, possibly the simplest country in Africa.
 * the Republic of South Africa, which is also in very close contention and might win due solely to its more common shortened name of South Africa.
 * Gabon, which not many people know about because it probably does not actually exist (along with the rest of Africa).
 * Eritrea, otherwise known as Used-To-Be-Part-Of-Ethiopia Land.
 * Bulungi, which was investigated by Bill Clinton, former President of the United States of America, before he was distracted by a disturbance Down Under.
 * Malawi, Madonna's favorite African nation.
 * Ch...oh, what's the use? It's not as if anybody cares, anyway.

Proof That Africa Doesn't Exist

 * Have you ever been to Africa? Have you!? Don't lie to me...I'll ask Santa. You've never been to Africa...so that's just more proof that it doesn't exist.
 * If Africa were to exist, then what would need to be that which is couldn't be not Africa. Did you get that? Exactly.
 * Who lives in Africa, anyway? Nobody, that's who.
 * Africa contains an island nation called Fernando Po. No place that really exists would name a place this; ipso facto, it doesn't exist. However, Skull Island is very real.

People Who "Care" About "Africa"

 * Angelina Jolie
 * Madonna Ciccone
 * Bono
 * Dave Chappelle
 * George Clooney
 * Brad Pitt