Michigan/Featured

Michigan is divided into an upper penninsula and lower mainland. It thus boarders itself to the North and South. Thus Michigan is Michigan's Michigan.

Founding of Michigan
Michigan was originally part of Canada. But back in 1794, Americans, led by Optimus Prime, manned up and marched into Michigan, and took it away, driving out all the godless communists, liberals, and bears who had resided there.

Why did they invade and conquer Michigan? First, because they could. Second, because Florida was already America's Penis, the people of fledgling America figured they needed to add a state which looked like a Giant Hand to go along with it.

To honor the efforts of the vehicular Optimus Prime and his leadership in liberating the former Canadian land, Michigan became a state best known for its production of the automobile. Primarily, the Hummer, but also the badass American muscle car and the Big Rigs too.

Real Americans and Yoopers
There are two Michigans. The Lower Peninsula, which is where the Real Americans live, and The Upper Peninsula, where Yoopers live, also known as Yooperland. They also speak a strange dialect of English known as Yooper, drink like maniacs, eat meaty pies known as pasties, and are practically Canadian. Generally speaking, if you know where Escanaba is and can correctly pronounce Sault Sainte Marie, there is a good chance you have at least part-Yooper heritage. It's nothing to be completely ashamed of, it just means you're not American.

No one is quite sure how America managed to acquire Yooperland, as their goal in the 1794 Invasion was to claim the Lower Peninsula, aka Big Giant Hand, for America's giant-hand-waving glory. Many believe Yoopers are also descended from the original inhabitants of the Lower Peninsula who were driven out in 1794.

Those Michiganders that inhabit the Lower Peninsula are sometimes referred to as Trolls by the Yoopers as they live "Below the Bridge." This Mackinac Bridge serves as a bridge between civilizations and prevents the migration of Yoopers into the more civilized Lower Peninsula due to the difficulty of driving a snowmobile across the 5 mile length. For unknown reasons in 2006, a bunch of godless terrorists tried to blow up the bridge with cell phones, but our hero George W. Bush smacked them down a good one!

The Attempt by Bears to Control Michigan
Currently, Michigan is under attack from Canadians and bears who want Michigan back. Their leader is Jennifer "Granholm" Mulhern, a Canadian who was elected Governor of Michigan in 2002 due to the election being rigged by bears.

Michigan easily elected Richard Nixon in 1968 and 1972, native son Gerald Ford in 1976, the great Ronald Reagan in 1980 and 1984, and George H. W. Bush in 1988. It is believed that after this point, the bears and Canadians began their takeover of statewide elections. This also explains why a champion of the people like George W. Bush never won an election in Michigan.

It also explains why Canada has been using Michigan as its personal dumping ground, sending all its trash to Flint, which has become such a smelly festering pile that even Michael Moore was repulsed.

Illegal Bear Colonization
The concerns of a bear invasion were validated when several bears in co-operation with the French and the Yooper Resistence illegally founded a colony, called Charlevoix, west of the American city of Petoskey some time in 1989. The sole purpose of this colony was to coordinate the election rigging being perpetrated by the bears.

The colony's founders claimed just to be hairy people from Louisiana but by time the rest of the state discovered it was run by bears and the French in 2001, the election had already been rigged and several Americans unwittingly had inter-bred with the bear and French colonists.

Detroit immediately came under suspicion of collaboration with Charlevoix because of the city's French name. In 2002 the Americans of Detroit voted that the city's name be changed to Delta City in honor of the 1987 movie "RoboCop". The Supreme Court knocked down the decision in a split 5-4 vote claiming the city had been named Detroit for 300 years, long before the bear / French conspiracy had been perpetrated. Most Americans agree that it is irrelevent because the bears were here when the French founded the city 300 years ago so it could have been part of a plot all along. Unfortunately there hasn't been an opportunity to bring it before the court and have the decision overturned since George W Bush finally got non-activist judges appointed to the Supreme Court.

Michigan's Economy Sucks Because It Is Controlled By Bears
As a result, people are leaving Michigan in droves. Their #1 export is college graduates and the fastest growing sector of the economy is in self-relocation (aka U-Haul). Last year, and every year dating back to 1852, it was Hummers. Michigan is the only state in America which has lost jobs and not been hit by Hurricane Katrina, like those poor chocolate people down in Louisiana.

Michigan's Last Hope
Michigan is home to the Saginaw Spirit, the only team worth seeing play the sport of hockey, who are led by Steagle Colbeagle the Eagle, a mascot which has been named in honor of Stephen Colbert. Hockey was invented by Canadians, but they are now forced to EAT IT by the Spirit, the only American team in the Ontario Hockey League, who pummel the godless Canadians for Stephen Colbert's personal glory, with the full support of Jesus, who also happens to be the State Messiah of Michigan.

It is believed that one day, Steagle Colbeagle the Eagle will lead the real Americans in Michigan on a march on the State Capitol in Lansing, where they will destroy Mulhern and send her and all of the rest of the Canadian bears back to Canada where they belong. It is only a matter of time.

Steagle will be assisted in this duty by Ted Nugent, the Motor City Madman, a great American who has killed many bears with his bare hands (no pun intended). Ted, who founded the NRA with Jesus and Charlton Heston, and is a member of the Bear Hunters of America, will be more than qualified for this responsibility.

There are also efforts being conducted state-wide to re-introduce the wolverine into the wild to deter the future threat of an outright bear invasion.



Home of Eternal Road Construction
The state's highways always seem to be under construction. This may or may not just be a conspiracy to keep the companies that repair highways in business. However, due to the fact that the state is always under construction, the State Animal of Michigan is the striped construction cone (see picture, right). Reports have surfaced that bears often use their sharp teeth and claws to tear up road surfaces, simply to inconvenience Michigan residents.