Ted Haggard



Pastor Ted Haggard is one of the most influential American Christian leaders and the former president of the National Association of Evangelicals and former senior pastor of the New Life mega-church in Colorado Springs, Colorado, so you just know he's not gay.

He is a trusted adviser to President George W. Bush, participating in weekly telephone conferences, so right there, you can tell he's not gay.

Furthermore, he is married, which is more proof he isn't gay; gay people can't get married. “I am steady with my wife. I’m faithful to my wife.” Would a gay say that?

Accusations
Smeared with Santorum-like election year lies by Nancy Pelosi and the liberal media, Pastor Ted remains true to the calling of the Church. Except when he doesn't remain true to the calling of the Church.

Voice Messages
A voice expert has testified that voicemails supplied by a gay hooker are from Haggard and purport to show that he was attempting to buy meth. But what do they actually prove?

"'Hi Mike, this is Art. Hey, I was just calling to see if we could get any more. Either $100 or $200 supply. And I could pick it up really anytime I could get it tomorrow or we could wait till next week sometime and so I also wanted to get your address. I could send you some money for inventory but that's probably not working, so if you have it then go ahead and get what you can and I may buzz up there later today, but I doubt your schedule would allow that unless you have some in the house. Okay, I'll check in with you later. Thanks a lot, bye.'"

Clearly, Haggard is attempting to purchase Holy Bibles.

"'Hi Mike, this is Art, I am here in Denver and sorry that I missed you. But as I said, if you want to go ahead and get the stuff, then that would be great. And I'll get it sometime next week or the week after or whenever. I will call though you early next week to see what's most convenient for you. Okay? Thanks a lot, bye.'"

In this message, it's evident that Ted is looking to purchase new candles for the altar.

NOTE: Ted Haggard's middle name is Arthur.

Factoids

 * Tried cock once, but didn't inhale.
 * Admits he bought meth from a gay hooker, but like a righteous man, he threw it away.
 * Is not gay.
 * Enjoys a massage.