US $2 Bill

The United States $2 bill is another ridiculous theory and notion. According to Colbert’s Laws of Existence, it does not exist.

For the liberal skeptics out there, here’s a quick test to confirm that the $2 bill does not exist:

1. Open your wallet / purse / man purse.

2. Do you see any US $2 bills in there?

The Bill that Almost Happened
Although the US $2 bill does not exist, it almost did. During the last year of the Clinton administration, Slick Willie was concerned that his tax and spend legacy would be eroded by an economy that was showing some signs of life. He asked Al Gore to create a PowerPoint presentation with suggestions on how to fix the problem (Clinton knew the only program Gore could use was PowerPoint). Gore delivered a diatribe of 343 slides, running about 3 hours, which suggested creating a $2 bill would effectively double revenue for the tax and spend agenda. Inflation was forecasted to increase to 23 per cent annually. Willie was pleased.

Design of the Bill that Almost Happened
Willie felt the $2 bill should have his face on it. He mocked up the initial design himself using Etch-A-Sketch. He drew his picture and wrote “WILLIAM JEFFERSON” below it (he ran out of space for “CLINTON”). When the U.S. Treasury reviewed the specifications, they correctly assumed that he meant “Thomas Jefferson”, since Willie was not a dead president. The prototype design (pictured right) was provided for review and approval in 2000. When Willie saw that it did not have his image on it, he pouted, had a tantrum, and canceled the project.

Enter the Good Fiscal Managers
When the Greatest President – EVER! Took office in 2001, the $2 bill was presented for possible revival by the W. administration. Bush did the simple math (the kind he is best at) and immediately decided that the $2 bill would be disastrous to the economy.

Prototype $2 Bill on Display
The prototype $2 bill is permanently on display in Candi’s G-string at the Boom-Boom Exotic Dance Club in Newark, New Jersey.