$cientology

$cientology is a belief system created by L. Ron Hubbard in 1952 in order to prove his assertion that weak-minded American entertainers will believe anything as long as it has nothing to do with God. Its sole purpose is to give Hollywood elitists like Tom Cruise a sense of self-worth. It is in fact a cult, not a church, as the only true church was formed by the Lord Jesus Christ in 1932, a full 20 years before Hubbard even thought of inventing a church.

Meaning of "$cientology [[Image:$cientologyIcon.jpg|15px]]"
The word "$cientology " literally means "the study of truth," which is not to be confused with truthiness. In fact, $cientology has as much to do with truthiness as the Democratic Party has to do with loving America.

Hubbard's Early Life
L. Ron in his early years had a major Oedipal Complex which resulted in major sexual difficulty for him later on in life. As a boy, Hubbard lived on a ranch in Montana the size of Alberta and knew all of the cows on a first name basis. He could water the entire ranch in his sleep while inventing machines to transport xenuphobes across the universe without using tachyon beams. He invented Brylcreem and was the first scientist to discover that a human engroom could be asphixiated in a tin can, if you held your palm over the can long enough. In the early 60's he predicted that the US government would distract the public with a fake moon landing while transporting plane loads of evil souls to a volcano on the Las Vegas strip. This prediction turned out to be correct and Hubbard was awarded the Nobel prize in 1963, 64 and 65. Hubbard did not need drugs to see visions because he operated a themogram, a device which he invented in his spare time while working on his masterpiece novel Gymnoflavanetics, The New Science of Riboflavin. By operating the themogram in an iconoplastic debris field, his intellect was inhanced equal to that of William F. Buckly and Maynard G. Krebs combined. In this enhanced intellectual state he wrote books explaining why babies hate their mothers if their fathers wore loafers or used harsh language and why people should pay to get this information. His greatness will never be equalled, although Cindi Lauper came close.

Hubbard's Middle Years
After graduating Suma Cum Gruntcake from Yale, Harvard and MIT Hubbard became the director of the Inter Galactic Consortium for Universal Domination. In his spare time he connected electrical probes to tomato plants and discovered DNA, FTP and Retsyn. Communicating with $cientologists telepathically he was able to propogate the worldwide manifesto of $cientology which is reproduced today on packets of hot sauce at Taco Bell. (But one has to line the packets up correctly, or the message is meaningless.) Hubbard married many women and had many children. Of those children that lived, most today are involved in crooked officiating at Mah Johng tournaments in the Islets of Langerhans. When he was 49 years old Hubbard learned the secret meaning of life in the universe. He wrote the information down on a slip of paper which is available only to advanced $cientologists. To read the paper a $cientologist must pay a lot of money, go into a closet with the paper and a flashlight, and promise never to tell anyone else what is on the paper. In 2005 Uri Geller used psychic powers and remote viewing to determine that the paper says, "Let he or she or it that is without money to give to Hubbard go blow smoke up Nixon's shorts." $cientologists dispute this claim.

Beliefs
In the beginning, there were these alien souls called thetans that sucked emotion out of things, and then a large alien DC 10 flew them into a volcano in eath, after a large dog attempted to swallow all of them, they proceeded to blow them selves up with nuclear weapons. Then lord zenu captured all of these alien souls with a scientifically operated soul catching device, called nintendo wii. That was all 4 kajillion years ago, but now those aliens are inside our bodies and we need to get rid of them by playing lots of wii and giving the ghost of L. Ron our cash.

$cientology Today
The church of $cientology is currently run by Falvinod Misscarriage, a 2000 year old Xenuphode from the planet Zeeta. His mission is to clarify the planet by eliminating Thecooties from people everywhere. He needs plenty of money to accomplish this worthy goal, so $cientologists worldwide are required to work regular jobs and give their money to the church. Truly devoted followers are also asked to run lemonade stands on weekends to provide additional funds. Most $cientologists sign a contrct to work for the church for 2 billion years or until the spirit of L. Ron Hubbard returns to Earth, whichever comes first. What $cientologists do not realize is that the spirit of L. Ron Hubbard returned to Earth years ago and is now inhabiting the bodies of Paris Hilton (40% occupancy), Kinky Friedman (10% occupancy), and Valery Fabrikant (42% occupancy). The other 8% of the time Hubbard oscilates between a state of infinite bliss and living in a cardboard box in the Davenport Iowa Super-K parking lot.

$cientology [[Image:$cientologyIcon.jpg|15px]] Wedding Ceremony