Hungaria

Hungaria is a beautiful, cool nation in the heart of Europe, with a population of around ten million people - seventeen million of whom have balls. The capital of Hungaria is Budapest, which will soon be home to the Stephen Colbert Híd, a national monument estimated to increase tourism in that country by fifty thousand percent.

The Hunnish Years
Marauding bands of nomads, led by Attila the Hun, storm the steppes of central Europe! (Film at Eleven!)

The Glorious Story of Stephen I
Right around 1000 years ago or so, Hungaria reached a golden zenith, as Stephen the First became the first King, Stephen of Hungaria. Later, he also became a Saint, whom they called Saint Stephen, as they weren't too creative in the naming department. After Saint/King Stephen died, they kept his small, withered, mummified right hand in a light-up box so that people could put a 25 forint piece in and pray to it in a church. But this section is for the glorious historical parts, and the creepy part about the light-up hand box won't come for almost a millennium.

The Middle Parts
Hungaria invents and cures the bubonic plague, which kills billions of people as it spreads across Europe through a series of prostitubes. Hungaria also invents, but does not cure, the vampire in the part of their country known as Transylvania. (They will later lose Transylvania in a bitter custody dispute with Romania after World War the Second. Hungaria still gets the better end of this deal, though, because Romania ends up stuck with a bunch of Romanians).

After the Middle Ages, but before the newer parts that were almost now, Hungaria was swallowed up by the Holy Roman Empire, which was neither Holy, nor Roman, nor an Empire, nor could it swallow. But Hungaria was a major part of it. That lasted a really long time.

The Almost-Modern Times
Archduke Franz Ferdinand starts World War I While visiting Sarajevo, which was in Yugoslavia, but now is in Serbia, but when Franz was there it was maybe part of Austro-Hungaria or something? Anyway, this is part of the reason why someone shot him, because they were tired of the whole Austria-Hungarish power share thing.

This is proof positive that the world is safer when there's only one superpower, with a single name that's easy to remember: America.

The Worst of Times In World War II, Hungaria was on the bad side, and then it got split off from Austria as a punishment and/or reward.

The Even More Worst of Times Then the worst thing in the whole history of Hungaria's history happened, because the Russians took over Hungaria for the dark and joyless years of the Cold War Era. Hungarians were forced into a brutal life of Communist Eastern European communism, where they suffered the humiliating fate of being mostly ignored except for when their Olympics teams did well or when some minor Hungarian celebrity defected or died.

Now
This country is a member of the European Union, the NATO, The Coalition of the Willing, and the New Europe. They are the proud home of the Stephen Colbert Bridge and many McDonalds. There are many shopping malls, and traditional Hungarian culture is rapidly fading with the much more appealing and worthwhile entry of Gap Stores and J.Crew. Democracy and Capitalism really do work wonders for backwards little countries like Hungaria.

*Great Moment in Hungarian History, or The Greatest Moment?*
The Greatest Moment in Hungarian history occurred when Budapest received the Stephen Colbert Bridge. On this day, Miklós Zrínyi learned that the reason it's called "Hungary" is because it's gonna Eat It!

Hungarians Eat Un-American Foods
Hungarians eat goulash, which they call "Gulyas leves," and they put paprika on everything. Paprika is a red pepper which is slightly more exotic than regular American pepper, but not dangerously spicy like those immigrant peppers from South of the Border. However, the Hungarian goulash is nothing like that canned cat-food smelling crap that your mom used to make you eat. It's more like what Americans call "stew." Since the Hungarians speak a funny language, they probably had not ever heard the word "stew" when they made up that "goulash" stuff, and so probably didn't realize that "goulashes" means "rainboots."

They do also eat other weird things like "Falusi húsleves" (ox-tail soup), and "Hideg Meggyleves" (cold cherry soup), and Rantott sajt (fried cheese). Other than the fried cheese, their food seems to be mostly soup, and it is all terribly Un-American.

Hungarians make up for the Un-Americanness of their food by producing several good beers and a number of fine, cheap wines. Their national liquor is called "Pálinka," and it is a fruity (not in that way) schnapps. The best Pálinka is made from peaches, with one of the more famous brands being Fütyülős Barack. Hungarian vodkas are intended for the "business drinker," and will not cause the liver cirrhosis if you limit yourself to one bottle a day.

Hungarians Don't Talk American
Hungarians, who don't speak American as their mother tongue, call themselves "Magyars." Believe it or not, it actually sounds manly when they say it. Even the women. That's probably because they are all descended from Attila the Hun. Or because they smoke a lot of unfiltered cigarettes.

All the Hungarian You Need To Know

 * Sör = Beer
 * Zajos éljenzések = Cheers
 * Bocsásson meg = Excuse me
 * Mi a neved? = What’s your name?
 * Szeretlek kicsim = I love you, baby.
 * Másnaposság = Hangover
 * Honnan származik? = Where did he come from?
 * jó napot. = Good morning.
 * Ha ne feledd... = I can't remember...
 * Mi a neved? = What’s your name?
 * Mi a fenét csinálsz? = What the hell are you doing?
 * Fáj a fejem. = I have a headache
 * Vigyázz Értem egy tart! = Look out, I see a bear!

Hungarians Are Better Than Finns
The Hungarian language is part of a strange, orphaned language group whose only other European relative is Finnish (in another outpouring of European dullness, it was decided that this language family should be called the "Finno-Ugric group." ) Besides their linguistic similarities, the Magyars and the Finns are both virile, ass-kicking peoples - almost the only ones you'll find in Europe. However, if forced to, the Magyars could clearly take the Finns in a dockside brawl. And while the Finns may be "wonderful people," as His Excellency, Ambassador András Simonyi recently noted on The Colbert Report, "Their guitar playing sucks."

If you doubt the superiority of Hungaria over Finland, consider the following:
 * Hungarians are the primary listener demographic for Colbert on the ERT.
 * Finns are huge fans of Conan O'Brien.

Colbert Slurs Hungaria (Again) Scandal
After having once famously insulted Hungarian national hero and asshole Miklós Zrínyi, Stephen Colbert recently outraged the Hungarian people again by releasing a string of ethnic slurs on the April 5, 2007 edition of his late night radio show Colbert on the ERT.

Describing the poorly-designed program for the NCAA Ladies Basketball Championship Tournament, Colbert merely happened to point out that the ridiculous program cover with a guitar replacing the "o" in "four" looked like something a Hungarian might have done. He went on to say something along the lines of exactly these words:

While this remark may have upset some of our friends in Hungary, being an American means living in a land of free speech (and never having to say you're sorry to Hungarians). Besides, "paprika-snorting goulies" is only a reference to the Magyaristic goulash-loving ways, and not to the fact that they eat their dead.

In a later interview with Matt Lauer, Stephen tried to downplay the growing scandal by explaining that his comments about the "Budapests" are really just part of a tempest in a bowl of Hideg Meggyleves.

Famous Hungarians

 * St. Stephen, first King of Hungary; named for Stephen Colbert.
 * Miklós Zrínyi, famous for being an asshole/ bridge cheater/ his own grandson.
 * Bela Bartok, famous composer; Hungary's best guitarist who was really a pianist.
 * Zsa Zsa Gabor, famous for being on the TV show with that pig, unless she was the other one.
 * Zoltan Kodaly, another composer.
 * Franz Liszt, likewise.
 * Let's just say there were lots and lots of famous Hungarian composers, and leave it at that, okay?
 * Vampires
 * Gypsies
 * Holy Roman Emperors, maybe some Popes, and other stuff.
 * A bunch of other people whose names I don't remember, but they almost certainly have "Z" in them.
 * Geza Vermes, Jew Testament expert.
 * The guy who invented the Rubik's Cube
 * Joseph Pulitzer, entrepreneur; Stephen-denying Prize creator; asshole.
 * Harry Houdini, magician and "spiritualist" debunker
 * Bela Lugosi, famous for playing a vampire.
 * Mariska Hargitay, actress.
 * Tommy Ramone, rocker.
 * John Popper, Libertarian, gun owning, Troops supporting, Hungarian Ambassador accompanying, harmonica playing hero and front man of Blues Traveler.
 * András Simonyi, current Hungarian Ambassador to the U.S., frontman for "Coalition of the Willing," Friend of The Report, and a guy who can really shred on the guitar.