Time Travel

Time travel is a highly controversial method of transportation, in that most versions of vehicles do not completely run on fossil fuels, which we all know to be power source that all true Americans use. Only homosexuals and abortionists use hybrid-powered time machines. For example, take Michael J. Fox and that creepy old man he hangs out with.



Stephen Colbert - Chronopundit
It has been suggested by certain eggheads, notably Dr. Brian Greene, that most forms of time travel have been disproven, much to the anger of Stephen Colbert and other like-minded heroes. It's just like scientists to tell us what we can't do these days.

Representative Adam Smith is also a vehement time travel-denier. Steve Jobs is the owner of an iTime Machine™, but has so far refused Stephen's request for usage. That, and he hasn't yet given him a free iPhone. The cheap bastard.

Publicly known forms of Time Travel

 * Delorean - Useful for picking up hot chicks like Claudia Wells and Elizabeth Shue.
 * Parker McComb Systems Railcab - Suitable for horny kickboxers from Belgium.
 * H.G Wells' Contempo - A must for battling Morlocks and for those looking to score with hot Eloi. Comes in two models, one to survive World War III, another to withstand the catastrophic shift of the moon's orbit.
 * That thingy that Harry Potter and Hermione Granger used - Powered by the magical fumes of unicorn feces. A renewable energy source approved by Stephen Colbert and his friend Starbeam.
 * The one with all the mirrors in Timeline - Avoid this one, or you'll end up in France.
 * Ophidian-controlled Portal from Time's Arrow episode of Star Trek - Stephen would like to meet Mark Twain, but don't ask him to get near that motherf$#%ing snake.
 * Cyberdyne Systems Conduit - Works best with Californian governors. I'm pretty sure Ronald Reagan has used it a couple of times.
 * Slingshotting around the sun - Requires the calculations of a Vulcan to work. A favorite for whales.
 * Superman - Anything to get some sweet Lois Lane tail.
 * Project Quantum Leap - The easiest way to get into a girl's pants, as you bypass the date and go straight into her body.
 * TARDIS - It's a friggin phone booth. Who are you, E.T.?