Gitmo North

Gitmo North is a luxury terrorist resort located in Millhaven, Ontario. A place like no other in Canada, it is formally known as “The Kingston Immigration Holding Center”, but it has been affectionately nicknamed “Guantanamo North” by Canada’s governing Conservative Party.

History
The Conservatives yanked governing power from the jaws of the aptly-named liberal party in 2006 and made it the first order of business to kick some Jihad ass. They detained Mohammad Mahjoub, Hassam Almrei and Mahmoud Jaballah on suspicion as terrorists with links to Osama Bin Laden.

Canada Finally Gets It Right
The infidels are being held on “security certificates”, which are bonus coupons modeled after America’s PATRIOT Act. These certificates give Canadian authorities extraordinary powers of detention and the ability to conduct deportation hearings and reviews in secret, all in the name of national security.

“Stunning” State of the Art Amenities
The brand-new facility contains six cells facing a large common area and kitchen. Detainees are allowed regular visits from Christian religious leaders of their choosing. Individual living units and cells face West (a.k.a. “the long way to Mecca”) to accommodate individual prayer practices.

The hotel and convention center was built especially for terrorists at a cost of $3.2 million ($ Canadian). Since the facility is presently half-empty, this works out to a unit cost of little more than $1 million per detainee. This does not bother freedom-loving Canadians though, because according to Statistics Canada the terrorists are living below the poverty line (the average Canadian makes $2 million per year after taxes).

The terrorists’ flip-flopper lawyer, John Norris, made this statement: “It’s quite inexcusable how they’re being treated... It’s absolutely stunning the level of security they have.”

Hugh Segal Seal of Approval
Canada’s veteran senator Hugh Segal commented on the facility aptly: “As a Conservative, I’m one who believes in order first and freedom second.”

Priceline.com
The Canadian government has had challenges finding more terrorists to hold as guests in the facility. After determining that Howie Mandel, although bothersome, was actually not a terrorist, they decided to release the three available cells to the highest bidder through the tubes of The Internets at Priceline.com. (Name your best price over $750,000!)

Factoids

 * Security certificates resemble Canadian Tire money, and, interestingly enough, when they are not used to detain terrorists, they are also redeemable in merchandise at Canadian Tire stores.
 * Conservative Public Safety Minister Stockwell Day says the terrorists are free to leave Gitmo North at any time they wish to. If they choose to leave, they will be given a free transatlantic plane ride along with their deportion papers. They should not expect any special treatment though – they will be treated exactly the same way Maher Arar was.