Sons of Thunder

Sons of Thunder
The Sons of Thunder were three of Jesus' friends. Their names were Peter, James and John. They were the first real, Christian men to team up and start kicking ass. They weren't always friends of Jesus but when Jesus decided it was time to bring the thunder he knew he had to find a few guys who could really kick ass. He found them out on a big lake in what's now the second best country in the world: Israel. I'm not even going to say the name of the first best country in the world because if you don't already know you're going to have your ass kicked sooner or later! In Jesus name, that's a promise.

So when Jesus discovered these guys they were out on this lake on the frontier and they were driving a ship around because they were in Israel's ancient navy. They were hunting sea monsters and shooting birds with the first guns ever and Jesus walked out on the lake to greet them. Then Jesus said: "Hey, you guys look pretty tough. Come train with me." And they looked at Jesus and said: "If anybody knows how to kick ass its this guy." Then, they jumped to the shore and went mountain climbing with Jesus. And when Jesus told them they weren't allowed to wear boots or helmets when they climbed they didn't care because they weren't gay enough to want to wear that kind of stuff anyway. "You don't need boots or helmets because you've already got enough guts, just start praying and we'll be on the top of the mountain in no time." They were courageous but confused, so they asked: "How will we get all the way up there?" And Jesus said: "The invisible hand that makes us rich is going to do it." And then lightning struck and they were on the mountain.

When they got up there, Jesus took off his robe and they could see he was wearing tights made out of dove-feathers, had a ram's horn for a whistle around his neck and was wearing a leather weight lifting belt. They knew it was time to get to work. Then Jesus pointed at biggest one of them, his name was Peter. Jesus said: "Peter, you're rock-hard but your upper body could use some work." Jesus then broke a tree in half and threw part of it on the ground for a weight bench and Peter laid on it. Jesus then looked at the others, John and James: "Men," he said. "Give that man a spot." The two got behind the bench while Jesus picked up a big ass boulder and threw it toward Peter. It would have crushed him had JEsus not made sure it was guided down gently by the invisible hand. (A lot professors and other gay people say this invisible hand is really the Holy Spirit, but its really a big ass hand with spikes in teh palm, ten thousand x-ray vision eyes and tatoos of crosses on it. It also has a laser that shoots a lot of fire out of the pointer finger when nations forget about Jesus.)  So anyway, that's how the Sons of Thunder began training. ANd after about an hour, the three guys, even thhough they were the strongest men in the world, were getting tired. "Why are we working out so much?" they asked. And Jesus said: "Stop being pussies. We have a job to do and its called freedom.  And the only way it happens is America.  And the only way America happens is if we bring the thunder.  And so now I'm going to call you the Sons of Thunder so that we can build America."

After the Sons of THunder began lifting weights


For about one thousand and eight hundred years a lot of people stood in the way of Jesus and the SOns of Thunder. They were either Muslims, Jews, gay people, proto-nazis or Kings who forgot about how to lift weights the right way. But finally, the Sons of Thunder built America.

Today a lot of people have quit lifting weights the right way and they make fun of Pat Robertson's protein pancakes. These people are either girls, gays, Jews, Muslims or liberal intellectuals who are both girls and gay. They want to say that the Sons of Thunder aren't real and that the invisible hand doesn't exists. And worse, they want to say that Jesus isn't American. But that's okay, because when the fire shooting finger of the hand sets all of them on fire in hell they'll know this is wrong.

All of this can be felt in the gut when one opens the Bible to the third Chapter of Mark. Mark knew how to lift weights too.

Who was on the team?
The leader of the team was Peter, a real rock-hard guy who climbed mountains without all the gay equipment like helmets and boots. He knew how to not be gay and so Jesus gave him the name Rock and said Th and their enemies were anybody who stood in the America's way. America wasn't even on earth yet, but they knew that was no excuse to planning for world domination. Today there are

I don't want you to read your Bible, but if you