Mitt Romney

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Willard Mittens Romney (1st Ambassador to Good Looking) is a lifelong hunter who has never had a hunting license. He retired in January, 2007 as Republican governor of the very un-Republican state of Massachusetts.

Romney follows GOP tradition by running for President just like his father did before him. Mitt's papa, George, was governor of Michigan and ran for the GOP Presidential nomination in 1968 against Richard Nixon.

George Romney became famous for making disposable cars called "Nash Ramblers." People liked them in the 50s and 60s because the cars would automatically disintegrate into a small pile of rubble if parked too long in the same place.

After he lost the Presidential nomination, Papa Romney was appointed Secretary of Housing and Urban Development. He used his business expertise to build disposable housing units that would automatically disintegrate into a large pile of rubble if left standing too long in the same place.

Mitt Enters Business World
Like his father, young Mitty made his mark in business. Mitt co-founded a company called Bain Capital that specialized in disposable "investment vehicles." These expensive documents would automatically disintegrate into a small pile of dust if stored too long in the same place.

When the Mormon group that was organizing the Salt Lake City Winter Olympics ran into a GOP-style bribery and corruption scandal, they called out for help from famous Mormons. Mitt Romney rode to the rescue on a golden chariot pulled by a flock of holy seagulls.

Because many notable Mormons had gotten tarred by the Olympics "scandals," Romney made those charges disintegrate into a small pile of dust. He rolled up his sleeves and -- with the help of cadres of Mormon businessmen who bought a lot of ads on NBC -- turned the Winter Olympics into a huge success.

He then hopped back onto his chariot and rode back to Massachusetts where he'd gone to school at MIT.

Big Dig
He told people in Massachusetts that his experience with disintegrating business plans would help him fix up all the problems that had been plaguing a road construction nightmare in Boston called the "Big Dig." He also told gay people that he really, really liked them and that he was almost like a Democrat.

So, people there who didn't know or care what a Mormon is, elected him governor.

Sure enough, the Big Dig finally opened to cars while Romney was governor. In keeping with Romney family tradition, however, parts of the tunnels collapsed into piles of rubble shortly after they opened.

Also while Romney was governor, Massachusetts became the only state in the union to recognize gay marriage as legal and binding. Romney insisted that this wasn't his fault.

2008 Presidential Bid
After leaving the Massachusetts governor's house, Romney set about following his father in running for a nod as GOP Presidential Candidate. Romney decided to position himself as the candidate for the fundamentalist base of the Republican party. His supporters insisted that Romney was God's chosen candidate.

This presented an interesting conundrum for Romney, however, because it meant that he might have to explain to born-again Christians just exactly which of a few possible Mormon "gods" was choosing this good Mormon son. And then there's the whole "born again" issue which has a whole different meaning to Mormons who insist that salvation comes not just through faith, but also through works, acts, and obedience to The Church.

Romney demonstrated his electoral chops during the 2006 Midterm Elections by running the Republican Governor's Association. The GOP didn't pick up even one state house from Democrats and lost six governorships, but Romney insisted that it wasn't his fault.

Mitt's Street Cred
Mitt revealed in 2007, just after announcing he would be running, that he is way macho due to his participation in a hunting excursion when he was a lad of 15.

He also asks the important questions, like "Who let the dogs out." His keen sense of observation leads him to notice when babies are sporting "bling-bling."

Family Life
First and foremost, Mitt is against airport restroom relations. He never lets any of his sons use them alone.

While a practicing Mormon, Romney has confessed to being shamed by his church's history of polygamy. In fact, Mitt says he cannot imagine anything worse than this practice (one assumes he has never imagined gay minotaurs). Mitt's own monogamous relationship with wife Ann began when she was a "hot" fifteen year old and he was a young Mormon lad of eighteen.

Together, Mitt and Ann have produced five strapping junior Mormon progeny, their sons Tagg, Ben, Matt, Craig, and Josh. All of them have bravely served their nation by tirelessly campaigning for their father's Presidential campaign. Heroic Romney boys: we salute you! But the heart of the Romney family has and always will be their beloved pet and avid road-tripper, the Irish Setter Seamus.

The Real Mitt Romney: A Biography
By DAVID BROOKS

Mitt Romney was born on March 12, 1947, in Ohio, Florida, Michigan, Virginia and several other swing states. He emerged, hair first, believing in America, and especially its national parks. He was given the name Mitt, after the Roman god of mutual funds, and launched into the world with the lofty expectation that he would someday become the Arrow shirt man.

Romney was a precocious and gifted child. He uttered his first words (“I like to fire people”) at age 14 months, made his first gaffe at 15 months and purchased his first nursery school at 24 months. The school, highly leveraged, went under, but Romney made 24 million Jujubes on the deal.

Mitt grew up in a modest family. His father had an auto body shop called the American Motors Corporation, and his mother owned a small piece of land, Brazil. He had several boyhood friends, many of whom owned Nascar franchises, and excelled at school, where his fourth-grade project, “Inspiring Actuaries I Have Known,” was widely admired.

The Romneys had a special family tradition. The most cherished member got to spend road trips on the roof of the car. Mitt spent many happy hours up there, applying face lotion to combat windburn.

The teenage years were more turbulent. He was sent to a private school, where he was saddened to find there are people in America who summer where they winter. He developed a lifelong concern for the second homeless, and organized bake sales with proceeds going to the moderately rich.

Some people say he retreated into himself during these years. He had a pet rock, which ran away from home because it was starved of affection. He bought a mood ring, but it remained permanently transparent. His ability to turn wine into water detracted from his popularity at parties.

There was, frankly, a period of wandering. After hearing Lou Reed’s “Walk on the Wild Side,” Romney decided to leave Mormonism and become Amish. He left the Amish faith because of its ban on hair product, and bounced around before settling back in college. There, he majored in music, rendering Mozart’s entire oeuvre in PowerPoint.

His love affair with Ann Davies, the most impressive part of his life, restored his equilibrium. Always respectful, Mitt and Ann decided to elope with their parents. They went on a trip to Israel, where they tried and failed to introduce the concept of reticence. Romney also went on a mission to France. He spent two years knocking on doors, failing to win a single convert. This was a feat he would replicate during his 2008 presidential bid.

After his mission, he attended Harvard, studying business, law, classics and philosophy, though intellectually his first love was always tax avoidance. After Harvard, he took his jawline to Bain Consulting, a firm with very smart people with excessive personal hygiene. While at Bain, he helped rescue many outstanding companies, like Pan Am, Eastern Airlines, Atari and DeLorean.

Romney was extremely detail oriented in his business life. He once canceled a corporate retreat at which Abba had been hired to play, saying he found the band’s music “too angry.”

Romney is also a passionately devoted family man. After streamlining his wife’s pregnancies down to six months each, Mitt helped Ann raise five perfect sons — Bip, Chip, Rip, Skip and Dip — who married identically tanned wives. Some have said that Romney’s lifestyle is overly privileged, pointing to the fact that he has an elevator for his cars in the garage of his San Diego home. This is not entirely fair. Romney owns many homes without garage elevators and the cars have to take the stairs.

After a successful stint at Bain, Romney was lured away to run the Winter Olympics, the second most Caucasian institution on earth, after the G.O.P. He then decided to run for governor of Massachusetts. His campaign slogan, “Vote Romney: More Impressive Than You’ll Ever Be,” was not a hit, but Romney won the race anyway on an environmental platform, promising to make the state safe for steeplechase.

After his governorship, Romney suffered through a midlife crisis, during which he became a social conservative. This prepared the way for his presidential run. He barely won the 2012 Republican primaries after a grueling nine-month campaign, running unopposed. At the convention, where his Secret Service nickname is Mannequin, Romney will talk about his real-life record: successful business leader, superb family man, effective governor, devoted community leader and prudent decision-maker. If elected, he promises to bring all Americans together and make them feel inferior. The Real Mitt Romney: I am so Money

Youth Endorsement
Mitt spoke at and won the straw poll at the 2007 Young Republicans National Convention (YRNC 2007), which also elected Glenn Murphy as the YR Chairman. There was no vote tampering. Mitt wutt'nt support anything like that.

The end
Romney's campaign is now dead. It has deferred to bigger and better things, such as not letting the terrorists win.

The Women's Vote
According with the "National Review of Jocks", Mitt Romney is predicted to win 100% of the women's vote. According with Kevin D. Williamson, a highly celebrated journalist and scholarly man who knows what women really want, if you know what I mean, Obama is a Nerd and a loser and Mitt Romney is handsome and rich, so women will vote for Mitt Romney, if he wasnt marry they would have sex with him. But to compensate the unattainable lack of baby-juice they would have to settle for voting for him to the most powerful seat of Government, the White House. And you know how the ladies find power to be sexy. And he knows what the ladies like, a rich, handsome, white man that would take care of them financially so they would never have to work ever again, and maybe pop some babies now and then.

Black People
Black People love Mitt Romney! What's not to love? He is rich, he has money, he understands black culture. I mean, why not love the man? He has alot of the bling-bling.

Favorite Book

 * Battlefield Earth!

Things Mitt Has Seen

 * Click here for all the things Mitt has seen
 * Or don't.

Do Not See Also

 * Larry Craig - who was not a leader in Mitt's campaign and had no chance of becoming Vice President at any time
 * Tagg Romney's Ponzi Scheme
 * Bain Capital
 * Romneycare
 * Off Shore Accounts
 * Mitt Romney is a time traveler
 * Heartless
 * Business Expert
 * Tax Cheater

Mitt-mentum

 * Mitt Romney at Campaigns Wikia
 * Washington Post profile
 * Join Team Mitt!
 * Romney Awesome plan to save America's Health Care!
 * is Romney a sekret mooslim
 * Mitt Romney wins the Tea Bagging support
 * How Romney will slash his way into the presidency
 * Mitt Romney, Corporate Raider, savior of America's profits
 * Romney, Job Creator
 * jubs, jubs, jubs
 * The Romney Plan to save America: All Hail our Chinese Overlords!
 * Freeloading former government employee seeks handout
 * Mitt Romney defends the rights of Corporations. We shall overcome!
 * Romney: Leave corporations alone!
 * Corporations are my friends too!
 * Tea Baggers Liberals ambush Romney!
 * Mitt Romney's journey to stop the killing of Mini Real Americans
 * Boy Detective, Mitt Romney, baffled by Mystery Boo Case
 * Is Mitt Romney a sekret Frenchman?
 * What's a Romney?
 * Mitt Romney is a Sekret Anglo-saxon
 * Mitt Romney, an uniter
 * Mitt Romney on, "How hard it is to be rich"
 * Mitt's twitter friend
 * "The fundamentals of our economy are still strong, have a tax cut!"