Cobra Commander

Christopher Collins Latta (August 30, 1949 – June 12, 1994), known to the world as the Cobra Commander, was the mastermind behind the world’s most dangerous and proliferate terrorist organization in the pre 9/11 continuity. A skilled tactician and warrior known for his uncanny ability to sell used cars, Cobra Commander terrorized the western hemisphere for more than a decade before a sudden decline in Hasbro’s sales and 9/11 forced him into a tertiary terrorist position, dwelling within the shadow of greater threats to national security such as  al-Qaeda, bears, and Canada.

He is the leader of the terrorist organization known as COBRA.

History of COBRA
COBRA is a ruthless terrorist organization determined to rule the world. In the pre 9/11 world, COBRA posed the biggest threat to American security with drugs and obesity following in at 2nd and 3rd, respectively. Structured almost entirely on greedy, civilized middle class white males who do not ride camels to work every day, COBRA fits the classic post 9/11 terrorist profile. They are still a major threat to national security and their very presence raises the terror alert to “orange.”

COBRA was started in 1979 by Chris Latta, a disgruntled used-car salesman and diabolical genius who was dissatisfied with the bureaucracy of the Prime Administration. Using a simplistic pyramid scheme from his headquarters in Springfield, Virginia, Latta was able to amass a small fortune and a handful of loyal followers. His antics would soon capture the attention of arms dealer James McCullen Destro XXIV, or “Destro” to his homies. Anastasia deCobray, the Baroness, would serve as his lieutenant and oversee COBRA’s functional capabilities, such as making sure the headquarters was vacuumed and that dinner was served on time. The three would comprise the COBRA Command, the gut of the organization requiring at least Platinum Membership to gain VIP access.

Other notable COBRA members include:


 * Firefly, the faceless VietCong explosives expert
 * Zartan, the faceless gay biker and leader of the Dreadnoks
 * Cesspool, the ugly corporate raider who liked to rape Mother Nature
 * Dr. Mindbender, the mad dentist
 * Headman, COBRA’s pimp
 * Storm Shadow, the godless Nip

COBRA is extraordinarily appealing to middle class white males due to its many benefits and should not be confused with the other terrorist organization, WASP (though the similarities are at times too great to ignore).


 * Strong sense of brotherhood and team-oriented goals
 * Competitive hierarchy
 * No black people
 * Special, exclusive uniforms and casual Fridays
 * Health and dental insurance
 * Tanks
 * Leader dresses like a blue ghost all year

COBRA Today
Cobra Commander was reported to have been killed in the mountains of Cobra La, Afghanistan during a carpet bombing by G.I. Joe in 1994. He was last seen by Marvin S. Hinton, a black chef who may have been high at the time due to his inconsistent personal testimony as to the events that led to the Commander’s disappearance. According to Hinton, the Commander turned into a giant bipedal snake who kept on screaming “I waaasss onccccce a maaaaaaaaaan!” every 3 seconds and would not shut up. Gradually de-evolving by the minute, the Commander depended on Hinton for support and finally slithered away after a few hours. Critics agree that the account is possibly false on account of Hinton being black.

Many reports indicate that Cobra Commander may still be alive and well, going under the civilian alias Mark Thompson. He apparently has had cosmetic surgery, as he finally has balls.