Santa Claus

Santa Claus
Santa Claus sees you when you're sleeping, and he knows when you're awake. He knows if you've been bad or good, so be good, for goodness' sake. Only George W. Bush is allowed to have such powers.

Close investigation have revealed Santa's status as a continued member and loyal supporter of the Communist Party. Note the red clothing, his commune operating out of the Arctic region and a legion of workers who are all the exact same size... The toys are a mirage, acting as the covert propaganda of the proletariat- protect our children.

SANTA is actually an acronym for a top-secret government facility which monitors the world. It stands for Slothy Americans Nagging Truthy Americans. The operators of SANTA are members of an evil liberal organization. They monitor the world for truthiness so that they might send their marijuana-powered jet bombers to destroy it. All because liberals simply can't handle the truth. Well, Stephen Colbert is here to give it to them.

Also, all of Santa's air travel is in direct violation of American law, which puts "Santa" (if that's his real name, anyway) on the "no-fly list." His name is sandwiched between Richard Reed and Cat Stevens (see terrorist). There is also talk he uses "magic" to fly around the entire world in one night, which is merely a lie created by the liberal media (see also terrorist). This is only possible with American technology, and America does not help Santa Claus.