Emergency Evacuation Manual

The Emergency Evacuation Manual is used when anything endangers Stephen Colbert.

Phase 1: Save Stephen
The first step in saving the Nation is saving the founder of the Nation, Mr. Stephen Colbert. At the top of the studio, there is a helicopter. Stephen is to be placed on this helicopter and be wisked away to an undisclosed location. This location is most likely George W. Bush's ranch in Texas, or Papa Bear's studio. Wherever the location may be, rest assured that Mr. Colbert is now safer than everybody else.

Phase 2: Saving Stephen's Staff
This is not phase 2. Please see phase 2.5 for phase 2.

Phase 2.5: Phase 2: Saving Stephen's Stuff
The second step in saving the Nation is saving everything valuable to Stephen. And by everything valuable, I mean everything. Can the Nation support a leader if the leader does not have enough pictures of himself? The answer is yes. Because Mr. Stephen Colbert has been a leader since the beginning of time (which is thought to be a Wednesday), any true American can follow Stephen Colbert. But just as any heterosexual, George W. Bush supporting man, Mr. Colbert needs himself.

Liberally wrap bubble wrap around every photo of Stephen, every possession of Stephen, and every peice of furniture. No essential item left behind. It's in the law.

Phase 3: Save Staff
Avoid elevators. Briskly walk (running is for pussies) down 34 flights of stairs. The only staff that is to be saved are the non-handicapped.

Phase 4: Save Show
Proceed to the Col-Bunker. The Nation needs to be kept aware what is going on. Please note that even though the bunker has an exact replica of the studio, no one is to sit in Mr. Colbert's seat. The seat radiates of pure gravitas, and no regular citizen is to try and duplicate that.