Haiti

Wrong Side of the Tracks
The country of Haiti is considered the loser side of the island of Hispaniola, the place that makes the Dominican Republic look good. Haiti is great at one thing and one only: sucking. It consistently ranks near the bottom of all loser countries.

It's French, bitch!
Haiti's history starts with its colonization by France. France bought the left (or gauche) side of Hispaniola from Spain in 1697 for two jugs of wine and a wheel of cheese. There was probably no one living there at the time but a few French pirates. Slaves were brought in to mine for croissants. At one time, Haiti was the most prosperous island in the Caribbean (especially for the French), making the Dominican Republic look like the loser side of the island. From the colony, France got a lot of coffee and sugar; from France, Haiti got the "derriere à manche" also known as "Le Shaft."

"Uppity" Slaves
After France had their revolution--because the Americans had had one and France was jealous--Haiti's slaves wanted a better deal. France gave rights to non-whites who were not slaves. The slaves were not happy being slaves still and broke things. France, as expected, surrendered immediately and slavery was abolished, allowing France, now known as "New Haiti," to begin immediately looking down their noses as American slavery. After Napoleon restored the name "France," he sent an army to Haiti which, not surprisingly, lost. Haiti decided they could now be independent.

Haiti said "au revoir" to the French and started opposing slavery all around, which did not make them friends. Various people became royalty of Haiti since everyone enjoys regicide so much. Haiti had to compensate France for taking their land back from them, which left the country deeply in debt.

Coming of Age
Haiti finally finds its place in the Americas when it is invaded by the United States in 1915, after Haiti ran out of kings to kill and started offing presidents. You're not really a Western Hemisphere country until you've been invaded by the United States. FDR wrote their constitution. The U.S. built schools and roads and an army, despite Haiti's complete lack of oil reserves. There is no record of the U.S. benefitting in any way or doing anything wrong. The U.S. leaves in 1934, no longer able to be so generous because of the Depression.

Modern History
In 1957, Dr. François Duvalier brought stability to Haiti by winning an election and then volunteering to become president-for-life. His son became president-for-life in 1971. His son's name was "Baby Doc" Duvalier, who lent his name to a brand of inexpensive, Canadian wine, Baby Doc.

Some more stuff happens and then Haiti elects Jean-Bertrand Aristide president in 1991. Aristide is little too commie-ish, so the U.S., under George Bush, Sr., arranges for Aristide to be overthrown.

Bill Clinton is elected U.S. president and restores Aristide to power. At first, Clinton considers Aristide a bit too commie-ish, too, so he offers to restore Aristide as long as he passes a test. The U.S. gives him two choices for a new prime minister if he is restored: a communist or an international banker. Aristide picks the communist. The U.S. asks him, "Are you sure?" Aristide says, "Oui. Oui." The U.S. repeats to him, "Are you really sure?" Aristide replies, "Yes, I am sure." They go back and forth for a couple of weeks like this, until Aristide finally gets the correct answer and picks the international banker to be his prime minister. Democracy is restored to Haiti, broadcast live on CNN.

George Bush, Jr. is elected and, coincidentally, Aristide gets overthrown again in 2004. The U.S. is nice enough to fly Aristide out of the country. Aristide currently eats bon-bons in South Africa, hoping that Hillary Clinton wins the next election.