The American Family/Featured

A family has been defined by God and The Greatest President - EVER as consisting of one Daddy, one Mommy, and one or more kid(s). That's it. Period. End of story.

Threat Down: Family Style
As everyone knows, the American family is currently under threat. The greatest threats to the American family today include


 * 1. The Gays: Gay Marriage is the single greatest threat to the American family today.  That's why the President wants to protect the American family with the Protection of Marriage The Family Amendment.  And why so many states have voted to protect the children by outlawing this heinous crime against humanity and the family.  If a family is one Daddy plus one Mommy plus some kids, then nixo-facto, more than one Daddy or Mommy or kids would not be a family.  Except more than one kids is obviously okay.  And more than one Mommies is okay in the Old Testament, and in some parts of Utah.  But never, never more than one Daddies. God does not approve.


 * 2. The Gays: Gay adoption is the second greatest threat to the American family today.  Gays should not be allowed to adopt, because people who are not married should not have children.  Children need a Daddy and a Mommy who are married to raise them up right in the ways of God and righteousness.  Also, gay adoption is part of the homosexual agenda to corrupt the children.  Who will think of the children?


 * 3. Abortion:  Abortion threatens the family by allowing people who do not want to be saddled with a family before they are ready to escape their holy duty to bring unwanted children into the world.  They should have thought of that before they didn't want children; it's too late to turn back now. Fortunately, under the god-fearing leadership of The Greatest President Ever and the Republican majority, abortion has become slightly less of a threat than in years past.  But watch out for the abortion-loving liberals in the newly elected Democratic Congress.  They will do all they can to make sure that every American - man, woman, and child - has an abortion, like it or not.


 * 4. Bad Celebrities:  Bad celebrities like "Brangelina" and "TomKat" and "Filliam H. Muffman" threaten the family by promoting a non-traditional approach to marriage, child-getting, and child-rearing.  I mean what would happen if everyone just up and got pregnant outside of wedlock.  What if everyone went to "Africa" to "adopt" a "baby".  What if everyone insisted that their relationship was no more than the fictional product of Stephen Colbert's "twisted imagination?"  Then where would we be?


 * 5. Femi-nazis:  The Femi-nazis want the American family to fail so that they can more freely run around burning their bras in their lesbianic voodoo witch ceremonies.  Femi-nazis fail to recognize that their true biological and spiritual destiny lies in becoming Mommies.  Unfortunately, most of the Femi-Nazis who do become Mommies go on to become Bad Mommies.  Bad Mommies are known to produce Bad Kids.


 * 2.5. Terrorists: The Terrorists want to destroy America's families.  President Bush has said so on numerous occasions.  Is that what you want, America?  Is that what you want, Matt Lauer?  President Bush is trying to protect your family from the Terrorists.


 * 2.75 Bears:  Bears are godless killing machines.  They never pass up an opportunity to attack a family.


 * 6. Acamedians:  The evil alliance of Acamedians that controls the liberal media and the liberal East Coast ivy-league university system want to destroy the American family.  First, they insist that "The Family" is a "social construction," that has "changed over time."  WRONG-O, Acamedians!  The Bible proves that the family has always been one Daddy, one Mommy, and some kids.  Except in the Old Testament, when it was different.  And in most of the New Testament, including the parts where the early Church practiced group marriage.  But that's not the point.  God declared that the family was and is always the same, and you can't prove otherwise.


 * 7. Bad Kids:  Bad Kids threaten America's families whenever they don't do what they are told.  Staying up too late, back talk/sass, complaining, making me turn this car around, another peep, rock music, take out the trash now Mister, and giving your Mother a hard time are all ways that bad kids are trying to undermine the American family.

What Can Be Done?

 * 1) Support The President
 * 2) Watch The Colbert Report
 * 3) Focus on the Family
 * 4) Vote for Candidates who represent Family Values
 * 5) Take out the trash now, Mister!

Famous Families

 * The First Family
 * Current First Family
 * G.P.E. = America's Dad
 * Laura Bush = America's Mom
 * Bush Twins = America's Girls Gone Wild


 * Former First Family
 * Reagan = Dad
 * Barbara Bush = Mom
 * Gerald Ford = Brother
 * Martha Stewart = Sister
 * Ron Reagan, Jr. = "Bad Kid" Little Brother that nobody talks about


 * Our Glorious Stephen's Family
 * What a lot of siblings. Good Job, Stephen's parents!
 * Stephen's beautiful wife
 * Stephen's legitimate children
 * Stephen's "extras" (Formula 401/402)
 * others?


 * The Cleavers