Government Largess

Government largess is where liberals take away our money to give it to "the needy" in ways that make current elected officals appear generous. Generally, these acts of generosity are given in ways that undermine the recipient's abilities to survive without government generosity.

Welfare
Welfare literally means "well-being," but government uses the term "welfare" to describe programs that provide free money. The government does not tell the recipients that someone actually paid for the free money. This free money does not often contribute to actual welfare in the well-being sense.

Housing Welfare recipients can receive free housing, often in communities known as "projects" as in "let's see if this helps people have better well-being." These projects have been ongoing for decades, but the liberals running the "projects" keep forgetting to gather research to measure whether there have been increases in well-being. In most large projects, it has been determined that the government has succeeded in concentrating large populations of vulnerable victims in close proximity to large populations of criminals. Since the goals and outcomes of the projects are top-secret, it is unknown whether this concentration of crime and poverty qualifies as success.

Food Welfare recipients can obtain free food from the government through Food Stamps and food banks. Food Stamps are coupons that can be used like cash to purchase approved foods directly from retailers. Many poor, needy families lack cars and live in communities far from grocery stores. For these recipients, Food Stamps are used at any available retailer for any available food - usually packaged, processed foods with minimal nutritional value and at inflated prices. Food stamps cannot be used for transportation to stores offering better quality foods at better prices. Since welfare recipients are too lazy to walk 10 miles to a grocery store, many welfare recipients raise obese children who grow up addicted to soda pop and government largess.

Food banks are not actual banks, and they do not accept deposits nor pay interest. They are merely places that distribute food for free to eligible recipients. The most common product available through food banks is a food-like substance known as "government cheese."

Cell phones Welfare recipients in many states can receive free cellular phones to ensure their safety and coolness. Patriots object to this program on the grounds that cellular radiation can cause brain cancer, and needy people have enough problems without developing brain cancer, too.

Planes, Trains, and Automobiles Welfare recipients known as "qualified taxpayers" received free money to purchase cars in 2009 through the car tax rebate program. The program provided as much as $4,500 per car, but, unlike most welfare programs, it was open to liberals and conservatives, and did not require recipients to go to the "welfare office" to sit for many hours before filling out a stack of paperwork that would immediately be lost by the "caseworkers."

Homeownership The government has numerous welfare programs to promote homeownership for needy persons. Under Federal loan guaranty programs, anyone who could fog a mirror could buy a home with less than 20% down during the go-go 2000s. When mortgage payments became too onerous, the government insituted another generous program to make greedy banks let people keep their homes even if they never could afford the house. Fortunately, many beneficiaries recognized the imprisoning mountain of debt that government largess creates (at least for the homeowner beneficiary) and engaged in a practice known as "walking away," wherein the homeowner made the bank keep the house in exchange for a drastically reduced credit rating.

Medical care See Obamacare The government has offered to give every American free healthcare, with a few exceptions. If the American has two nickels left after paying taxes, they are deemed ineligible for free healthcare and must buy their own health insurance. If the American has three nickels left after taxes, they are ineligible, must buy their own health insurance, and have to give the government that third nickel to pay for poor people's healthcare. If the American has one nickel left after taxes, they must pay their last nickel for healthcare and then the government will pay for the rest of the cost.

Medicare/Medicaid is a disgraced former program intended to provide free healthcare to needy persons. However, since some liberals were too rich to qualify for free healthcare - but still voted and still wanted free healthcare - President Obama decided that there wasn't enough free healthcare. Ben Bernanke keeps telling president Obama that there isn't enough free money to pay for all this free healthcare and government largess, but Obama is pretty sure that Bill Gates is hiding a couple trillion under his pillow. Since Bill Gates gives a lot of money to help Africans with healthcare, Obama has been trying to setup a meeting with Bill Gates to remind Billy that 1) Obama is part-African, and 2) we really need Bill's pillow money.

Pocket money
The government used to give pocket money to Congress-persons who travelled. They had to stop when the libural media started writing stories about lawmakers keeping the pocket money instead of using it for travel.