Indianapolis, Indiana

Indianapolis is the third greatest American city, only after Crawford, TX (home of the Greatest American President Ever) and James Island, SC (stomping grounds of Stephen Colbert) and is the capital of Indiana.

Discovery
Indianapolis was discovered on a preliminary trip by Lewis and Clark in 1803. They were following the Ohio River from Pittsburgh to St. Louis when they took what appeared to be a shortcut. 360 miles later, they came to an open field where there was a young Indian girl named Sacagawea crying. The only thing that they could determine from talking to her was that she had lost her apples. Thus on the map they were drawing they marked the spot “Indian-Appleless” and took the girl with them. However, as time progressed, the liberals and bears shortened this name to Indianapolis in an attempt to make this great city lose its heritage.

History
Shortly after its discovery in 1803, Indianapolis beat out a very unworthy opponent in Ft. Worth and became the capitol of the state of Indiana. Also in the running was Evansville, but none of the Bear-hating residents of Indiana would vote for a capitol named after Evan Osnos, or a city that close to Kentucky.

The only other notable event in Indianapolis History was the founding of the “City Non-Schnooking Act” which therein inspired the “Federal Non-Schnooking Law of Jesusland” which requires that all those who Schnook maintain a don’t ask, don’t tell policy.

Famous People from Indy
Sacagawea

Dan Quayle

Arnold Schwarzenegger

Condoleezza Rice

Mrs. Stephen Colbert

Johnny Appleseed

Peyton Manning

Larry the Cable Guy

A Typical Day in Indy
6:00am - Wake up to Rush Limbaugh on the radio.

6:30am – Eat Breakfast while watching FOX News Channel.

7:00am – Leave for work, making only left turns and driving multiple laps.

8:00am – After a short pit stop, arrive at work and work a typical eight hour work day with a half hour lunch break at Noon.

4:00pm – Leave work, again, making only left turns and with multiple laps.

5:00pm – Eat a home cooked meal with the family.

6:00pm – Sit down in the recliner and watch FOX News Channel.

7:00pm – Vote Republican in any election possible.

7:30pm – Listen to Sean Hannity on the radio.

8:00pm – Go to sleep, ensuring at least nine hours of quality sleep.

Sports
Indianapolis is home to the God-sent football team, the Indianapolis Colts. The Colts were the only team able to defeat the evil Bears of Chicago. The Colts hammered the Bears into submission, and thus ever since Indiana has been a safe place to live.

The Indianapolis Pacers is the NBA team from Indy. All bad people from Indiana are sent here and they can get into drunken brawls with fans in the middle of a game.

Finally, who could mention Indianapolis sports without mentioning the Brickyard, home to the Brickyard 400 of NASCAR and the Indy 500 of the IRL. This race was inspired by French explorer Suir de LaSalle who, while discovering Indiana, was overcome by a terrible case of Frenchness (a serious and potentially fatal illness).