Taino

Indigenous group from the Major Antilles, in the Caribbean that were known for having extremely beautiful naked women who bathed. Christopher Columbus accidentally came to visit them in 1492, on his way to "borrow" a few spices from India. He returned several times due to the addictive nature of Taino women, tobacco and gold. On second thought, tobacco has never been addictive and the pious Spanish people never knew greed. It was the Taino women who were to blame for the moral decay of the Spanish Conquistadors and the fall of Taino non-civilization.

Arrival of the Spaniards
The Spaniards Conquistadors, deprived of their lice-ridden, menses-encrusted, hairy, pious and heavily-clothed Spanish wives, were helpless against the sinful lure of the glistening and tanned Taino savages. Spain in an effort to thwart this problem, asked the Vatican to classify the Taino as human beings and gently convince them to join the Holy Catholic Church. The general consensus was that having intimate relations with nubile Christian maidens was more socially acceptable than bestiality. Thankfully, this happened before the founding of the abomination known as People For Interspecies Tolerance. So the Church mercifully complied with this request in an effort to save Spain from undue embarassment and being laughed at by lesser European countries, like Portugal, Germany and England. The papal bull of Inter caetera made the world became a much better place for horny Spanish sailors seeking hot and socially-acceptable, Catholic Taino booty.

Disappeared
The Taino people mysteriously dissappeared after the Spanish census of 1790, when the Monarchy decided that counting Tainos in a separate category was too hard. The census of 1790 took place immediately Spanish Conquistadors brought God, clothing and civilization to these naked heathens, in 1493 when the Spanish annihalated the Tainos with diseased blankets and superior weapons capabilities.

Reappeared
The tribe reappeared just as mysteriously when DNA tests were conducted on the inhabitants of Puerto Rico. Sixty-one percent tested positive for the Taino virus. This discovery had the potential of rewritting history and extending tribal recognition for this extinct people. However, the last thing America needs is more Native Americans running around building casinos. All of the important people in United States of America ignored all of this meaningless information and erred on the side of truthiness. This brilliant piece of strategy has once again saved America from terrorism.

Modern Tainos
As in the case of medical marijuana, creationism and gravity, science has no place in God's Kindgom on earth. The bones of these dead savages can be proudly exhibited in anthropological exhibits with confidence without having to worry about that pesky burial site desecration or reparations stuff.

Contributions

 * Europeans who bathe
 * nice maracas and cassavas
 * healthful youth tobacco use
 * flimsy hammocks
 * bloody machetes
 * FALN
 * eight Miss Universes
 * the Caribbean tourist industry
 * obnoxious Puerto Ricans
 * barbequed mute dogs
 * syphilis
 * the fountain of youth
 * meaningless trinkets for home decor
 * baseball players
 * hard-to-pronounce words
 * clashing pastel color-schemes