Bill O'Reilly

Bill O'Reilly is the former host of tabloid TV show Inside Edition and has a primetime show on the Fox News Channel weeknights. He is the one and only Papa Bear, producing within him the super-semen that, when deposited into Angelina Jolie, will bring about the next phase in human evolution. He is definitely not a sexual deviant like pinko.

The Colbert Report is a spinoff of "The O'Reilly Factor", which does not mean that it is a lesser show...quite the opposite. While Stephen may sit at the feet of the master, our guts tell us that the Report is a superior show.

What Bill Would Like To Do To America
Well, if I took you down there then I'd want to take a shower with you right away, that would be the first thing I'd do...yeah, we'd check into the room, and we would order up some room service and you'd get two glasses of wine into you as quickly as I could get them into you...maybe intravenously... You would basically be in the shower and then I would come in and I'd join you and you would have your back toward me and I would take that little loofah thing and kinda soap up your back... rub it all over you, get you to relax, hot water... and um... you know, you'd feel the tension drain out of you and uh you would still be with your back toward me, then I would kinda put my arm, in one of those mitts, those loofah mitts you know, so I got my hands in it... and I would put it around front, kinda rub your tummy a little bit with it, and then with my other hand I would start to massage your boobs, get your nipples really hard... 'cuz I like that and you have really spectacular boobs...  So anyway I'd be rubbing your big boobs and getting your nipples really hard, kinda kissing your neck from behind... and then I would take the other hand with the falafel thing and I'd put it on your p*ssy but you'd have to do it really light, just kind of a tease business.

He'd also like to royally fuck America over. As if you haven't guessed that already.

The Pundit Exchange Program
On January 18, 2007, Stephen and Papa Bear participated in each other's programs. O'Reilly visited The Report and experienced their famous hospitality and world-renowned balls. Stephen visited The Factor and took part in their customs, such as consuming Donahue flesh. Stephen also stole the microwave oven from FOX's greenroom.

Stephen was nipping out in excitement for the week leading up to the Exchange. Ping, Ping!

While O'Reilly claims that Stephen blew him "right away", Dr. Colbert protests that this is not true and the two dined and exchanged pleasantries beforehand.

To get in O'Reilly's good graces Stephen, ever the professional, complimented him on how loudly he talks and for the length of time he speaks when doing it loudly.

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O'Reilly Factoid

 * Papa Bear is a godlike killing machine, liberating the world from the liberal, ivy-league media elite and their front politicians known as democrats. He should not be confused with bears, or be mistaken as a member of the Bear Conspiracy.
 * Stephen Colbert refers to Bill O'Reilly as "Papa Bear" and "The Master" because he is his mentor and idol.
 * Bill O'Reilly once strangled a bear to death with his thighs.
 * Bill O'Reilly's mentioned in a super-steamy slash fanfic on colbertnation.com.
 * Bill O'Reilly hates MSNBC's Keith Olbermann and it is illegal to mention Olbermann's name on O'Reilly's show.
 * Bill O'Reilly will send FOX security to pay a little visit to anyone who offends him
 * Bill O'Reilly owes his job to the Great Stephen.
 * Bill O'Reilly could destroy Canada if he wanted to. But not Manitoba. Only Stephen could destroy Manitoba.
 * Bill O'Reilly would not destroy Alberta, either. "Alberta" is simply the Canadian language's word for "Texas" — which is The Greatest Place On Earth.
 * Bill O'Reilly caused the Great Potato Famine by eating three hundred tons of Freedom Fries.
 * Received the congressional medal of freedom for single handedly winning the War On Christmas
 * Bill O'Reilly calls Stephen "this guy Colbert." This is how O'Reilly shows respect for him.
 * Bill O'Reilly is so convinced that Stephen is "French" that the Fox News.com homepage spells it "Stephan" Colbert.
 * Bill O'Reilly barely tolerated Stephen on his show, which is a lot more than most of his guests. Stephen was honored.

Books

 * Culture Warrior
 * Who's Looking Out For You!
 * The O'Reilly Factor for Kids: A Survival Guide for America's Families
 * The O'Reilly Factor: The Good, the Bad, and the Completely Ridiculous in American Life
 * The No-Spin Zone: Confrontations with the Powerful and Famous in America
 * Those Who Trespass: A Novel of Television and Murder
 * The Joy of Falafel

External Buzz

 * Wikipedia's shrine to Papa Bear
 * Let Bill liberate your desktop
 * Let Bill protect your desktop - safe and lubricated