Cornholism

Cornholism
Cornholism is a gutteral, and perhaps even anal, academic discipline which attracts and inspires disciples in a variety of academic fields, such as theology, philosophy, communication studies and political science. It has lately made strides, though regretably only as an intellectual exercise, in Gender Studies and Literary Theory circles. Taking its name from the inventor of teeth and American founding father, one Robert Cornhole, the discipline has acquired such noteworthy advocates as Joseph Smith, Robert Bork, Sean Hannity, Pat Robertson, Glenn Beck and the blessed and worshipful Stephen Colbert.

History
The first self-professed Cornholian was Joseph Smith, the prophet-founder of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. Smith posited that Robert Cornhole was, far from being merely the inventor of teeth, as well the primary American founding father and the model heterosexual. It was therefore, Smith argued, that "...this Cornhole is the greatest seed American soil has yet produced. Verily, I, nay, we have been cornholed."

For nearly two hundred years Smith's attraction to Cornhole was an understudied phenomenon and Cornholism remained an esoteric branch of knowledge. That all changed when Stephen Colbert, may his name be praised, revealed one of the central figures in America's erection, to say nothing of the world's direction. In March of 2009 Stephen Colbert stated publically that Robert Cornhole was a founding father.

Cornhole-thesis
Stephen Colbert's revelation that Cornhole was a founding father has inspired what has come to be known, in gutteral academic circles, as the Cornhole-thesis. It posits that Robert Cornhole was, as Smith had discovered, the primary American founding father, the only genuine American prophet and the guiding personality for the greatness of America. Sean Hannity, having already founded his fellowship of Great Americans, stated that the Cornhole-thesis was the central tenant of his fellowship. All of this was documented in Hannity's book "Cornholed: The Gay Liberal Academic Agenda for America." As Hannity saw it, the Cornhole-thesis was becoming un-American and Robert Cornhole's name was being "sodomized" because gay liberal academics were "pervsely interpreting the word cornhole." As it was, some of the Gender Studies intellectuals had raised the possibility that during the Adams presidency or "Cornhole's missing years," Robert Cornhole had retreated from leadership posts in Washington to pursue a life of flamboyant homosexuality in Atlanta.

Cornhole Controversy
Controversy ensued when Rush Limbaugh, himself an initial member of the Great Americans fellowship and as well a vociferous advocate of Cornholism, interpreted the word "cornhole" to mean "sodomy." Limbaugh questioned the Cornhole-thesis, itself the central tenant of the Great Americans' liturgical code, and argued that because Stephen Colbert, the blessed and worshipful, had revealed to the public that Robert Cornhole was a founding father he had revealed sacred American truths to a greatly un-American public. Seeking to obscure the truths of Cornholism from the mob of un-Great Americans, Limbaugh criticized the Cornhole-thesis on his radio program by stating: "The name Cornhole is too gay to be American, folks. And whether or not Republicans bend over backward or forward for a black president, it is clear to me that anyone who cherishes the name Cornhole is tacitly, nay, passively submitting to a perverse form of Cornholism. We all know Cornholism has been used by liberal academics to defend sodomy. We all know that sodomy is un-Great and thus un-American. We all know that black presidents, to say nothing of black politicians, are sodomites. We all know that we might be cornholes but we reject the thesis that Cornhole ever cornholed any cornholes." In a flurry of apologies, GOP operatives, including GOP leader Michael Steele apologized to Rush for "perversities unspeakable." But on his own show, Sean Hannity responded: "The vacuum in Republican leadership has allowed a mean-spirited, lard-assed talk radio mind corpse to become de-facto leader, turning an already crippled party into a bickering laughing stock. And to call into question the Cornhole-thesis is un-American. Apparently Rush has forgotten to read my book, "Cornholed: The Gay Liberal Academic Agenda for America," where I clear up all uncertainties regarding the accusation that Robert Cornhole was ever a flamboyant homosexual. This is a crisis for Great America, my friends, but we must be vigilant in times of rampant intellectual sodomy and resolve that, while we may after all be gutteral, even anal Cornholians, we certainly aren't gay." Hannity did offer to lick Rush's crack on his broadcast a day later and Rush accepted. The two have planned a viagra-induced Cornhole ceremony in the Dominican Republic, but Hannity has yet to offer a statement as to whether Rush will be reinitiated into the Great Americans fellowship. And what's more, the meaning of Cornhole is still a matter of debate.

Glenn Beck's Revolutionary Cornholism
In resonse to the Cornhole Controversy, a prominent Cornhole Literalist and member of the Mormon Church, one Glenn Beck, has sought to rememdy the Cornhole Controversy and the crisis in the fellowship of Great Americans by calling upon Stephen Colbert, may his name be praised, to prophecy concerning the matter. Beck has called upon Colbert to "submit to the wisdom of Cornholism and to put on the seer stones so that he might translate our Great American Cornhole Scriptures and return our Great American fellowship to prominence as the great Joseph Smith Himself, another in the lineage of Great Americans, once led the Great and the un-Great alike when the world was dark, uncornholy and extraordinarily gay."

Existence of Cornhole Scriptures
The existence of Cornhole Scripture is a subject of frictional debate but at present it appears to be coming to a climactic conclusion. As it is, Glenn Beck's initiation into The Church of Latter Day Saints and reputed access to the coveted but hermetically preserved Journals of Joseph Smith lead most Cornholians to believe that a rebirth of Cornholism is on the horizon and that, if Beck's call to Colbert is heard, Cornholism may very well save America from the "uncornholy minorities, the uncornholy poor, the uncornholy homocorns, the liberals, the gays and the Muslims." One Josiah Stufflebean, a researcher in Cornhole tradition and expert in Cornhole practice at The Center for Advanced Cornhole Studies in Atlanta, Georgia, has state that: "We musn't forget that Cornhole was there when Cornhole himself founded America, that Cornhole was there when Smith founded Cornhole, that Cornhole was there when Hannity discovered greatness and Beck discovered Cornhole, nay, we musn't forget that we're all neither corny nor holy but in submitting the Cornhole in our very hearts to be erected toward America's morning, we will receive the seeds of the new earth, the breadthful Cornhole and teh center of ourselves. Verily, the Corhnole Scripture is and we, all of our Cornholes, are one with it."