The Free Market





The Free Market (also called The Market) is what liberals and communists fear in the pit of their non-existent souls. The concept of the free market is capitalism at its finest. Free of regulation or oversight, the actions of The Market are dictated only by the pure pursuit of profit, set by supply and demand. Of course, when things go bad, these capitalists need the taxpayer to bail them out. But this is not socialism. Socialism is when black people get free cheese.

God's Will
God guides corporate executives with a loving but invisible hand to do his will through messages sent by The Market.

Only corporate executives have the skill, foresight, and faith to properly interpret the Will of God as revealed through The Market. They are therefore given gargantuan salaries and are not expected to pay taxes.

The Market is responsible for the Great Bush Economic Miracle which allows CEOs to earn gargantuan salaries without paying taxes.

Restraint
Unfortunately, due to the whining pleas of the Democrats, much legislation has been passed restraining the actions of the businessmen and industrialists who run the market. These captains of industry are the men who generate money, they compete against one another, always innovating and creating new products for people to put their money towards. We should thank God that these industrialists and businessmen walk the Earth, for without their kind, we'd still be living in caves and worshiping fire.

Unions
One of the ways Democrats have chained the free market and the businessmen who run it is through Labor Unions. The greedy labor unions are a collective of workers from a specific skill field who have banded together to impose their demands on the owners and management of any given business. Such outrageous demands are safe working conditions, "fair" wages, health benefits and job security. What assholes.

Due to the egregious demands of unions, companies have started to outsource jobs to other countries, countries where the workers realize the blessing such companies have bestowed upon them by bringing excellent jobs with the opportunity for upward mobility off of 15 cents an hour.

Regulations
Government regulations are an evil sometimes more disruptive than unions. Democrats are responsible for most freedom-stifling regulations, but some of them have been foisted upon The Market even by misguided Republicans. (See: Richard Nixon; EPA, Army Corps of Engineers)

Although it was a slow and tedious process, the Greatest President Ever and the Republican Majority managed to free The Market from the unhealthy shackles of many regulations. They started to turn the tide so that government during the first six years of the Bush Presidency did what it should do: Use laws (and earmarks) to give taxpayer money directly to corporations.

The Power of the Free Market
Free market capitalism is a force so powerful that democracy orbits around it like a satellite. The free market can help decide things like whether or not a company should be trusted, or whether or not one of the liberals' ridiculous theories is true.

Wikilobbying

 * Main article: Wikilobbying

Thanks to wikilobbying, reality has now become a commodity. Through free market interaction, people are now paying others to edit in order to create a more favorable wikiality. For example, Microsoft is wikilobbying to get people to believe let people know that they are not really bundling software to crush smaller companies like puppies in a pile driver. The practice of wikilobbying is obviously perfectly ethical since the free market is an infallible system; however, founder Jimmy "Jimbo" Wales is disappointed in it. Sorry, Comrade, this is how things work in America.

Global Warming
The only piece of compelling evidence that global warming may actually, in some bizarre way, deserve even a shred of credibility has come about because of the free market. Once Al Gore's movie An Inconvenient Truth made money, the market seemed to have decided that global warming is real. Of course, that could have just been some of Gore's liberal trickery, so the global warming controversy has not been put to bed yet.

Freedom Lovers Despair
In America, things have gotten to the point where men like Jeff Skilling and the late Ken Lay have been made into criminals for making a profit off of their company Enron, while the majority of their employees lost their pensions and jobs. Most of these employees were disgruntled over the whole affair, but what they failed to realize is that men like Jeff and Ken deserve that money since they know what to do with it seeing as how they have so much of it, otherwise they'd be poor and would have never been able to run a company like Enron.

Due to the impending mid-term election of 2006, Democrats will most likely take control of the House of Representatives and possibly the Senate. All America loving citizens should pray that this doesn't happen, if it does, we can only expect more regulation and oversight and the diminishment of the free market.

Interpreters of God's Will in The Market
Because corporate CEOs are often shy about telling the world how they interpret God's Will in The Market, God has anointed these commentators to reveal His Word: Although she is less blessed in the churchiness sense, Maria Bartiromo on CNBC gets special grace because she is blessed in other significant ways.
 * Lawrence Kudlow -- CNBC
 * Neil Cavuto -- Fox News

Heroes of the Free Market

 * Ken Lay
 * Jeff Skilling
 * Ayn Rand
 * Dick Cheney
 * Drug Dealers
 * Arms Dealers
 * Pimps & Prostitutes
 * Satan (He likes to trade golden fiddles for souls)
 * Scrooge McDuck
 * Lobbyists