Anti-Claus/Featured

Overview
The General of the "Against Us" side in the War on Christmas is the Anti-Claus.

The Anti-Claus resides in the Anti-Arctic at the South Pole and his cheeks are not rosy, his eyes are not bright, and his belly does not jiggle like a bowlful of jelly.

Instead, his cheeks are ashen, his eyes burn like the fires of hell, and his thin belly rattles with the bones of his victims.

It's unclear whether the Anti-Claus is immortal like Santa or whether he possesses bodies, presently residing in Osama bin Laden Abu Musab al-Zarqawi  Saddam Hussein, who still rules his minions even from his jail cell beyond the grave, he's that powerful.

The Anti-Claus is the Islamo's version of The Malcolm.

The Jihad on Christmas
With an elite corps of explosive experts known as the Elf'Qaeda, the Anti-Claus manufactures thousands of IEDs each year. On Christmas night, the Anti-Claus mounts his bear-driven magic carpet, nicknamed the "Slay", and attempts to carry out his nefarious plot to drop gift-wrapped bombs down the chimneys of Jesus-loving children, but each year he is repelled by George W. Bush in his F-16.

Leading the flying bear-pack is Adolph, a particulary vicious bear whose shiny red nose emits a missile guidance laser.

Powers of the Anti-Claus
The power of the Anti-Claus resides in his hijab, a magical muslim headwrap that has been passed down through many generations of terrorists. His abilities include, but are not limited to:


 * seeing you when you're sleeping.
 * smelling a Jew up to a hundred yards away
 * making the streets run red with the blood of the infidel.

The Anti-Claus does have at least one known weakness: he has never learned how to land his "Slay".

Jihad Bombs
On his trek through the Christmas night, the Anti-Claus can often be heard chanting this ominous poem:


 * Slashing through the sky, in my twelve-bear driven Slay,
 * Over the States we go, the infidels must pay.
 * Mohammed!
 * Bombs down chimneys go, explosions burning bright,
 * George W. Bush nor Stephen Colbert can catch me tonight!


 * Jihad bombs, jihad bombs, death to U.S.A.!
 * O what fun it is to ride in my twelve-bear driven Slay.
 * Jihad bombs, jihad bombs, death to U.S.A.!
 * O What fun it is to ride in my twelve-bear driven Slay.

(followed by uvulating sounds)

Sure signs your "gift" is from the Anti-Claus

 * It's ticking.
 * It smells of hummus.
 * The box contains the not-so-fun kind of white powder.
 * The tag is written in blood and reads:
 * "From: سامة بن محمد بن عوض بن لادن"