User's Guide to Jesus

Gospels
As the story about how the Jews killed Jesus, its been described as the best True Crime series in history. As the story about how Jesus walked on water and climbed mountains, its been called the best Action book ever. But this half of the Bible is really a User’s Guide to the Gut. Of course, people who know their gut don’t need to read it, but out of charity for the poor in the gut, this book was written in plain English by Jesus. In it he tells you how to pray, how to talk in tongues, how to see invisible things with your heart and how to bitch slap demons in hand to hand combat. Now, everyone knows that Jesus wasn’t gay enough to waste his time writing, so he dictated his teachings to four writers: Matthew, Mark, Luke and John. John was the best writer, for he was the one who said “in the beginning was the word and the word was with God.” John therefore proves that Stephen Colbert is God because everyone familiar with The Colbert Report knows about the word segment.

The best parts of the New Testament, at least so far as teachers at The Robert Cornhole Bible College of Killbuck, Ohio are concerned, are the parts which describe Jesus’ three best friends, the Sons of Thunder. Before Jesus found these guys, they were in the ancient Israeli navy and they hunted bear-fish. They were real ass kickers and Jesus knew that if they became part of his team they could help him invent freedom and eventually create America. And here’s a spoiler: they were successful in the end. They invented freedom and then built America by inspiring Robert Cornhole and Joseph Smith.

There are a lot of liberal theologians (most of them women or gay men) who say that Jesus was a historical figure and there are a lot of scientists (activist academics who research with Satan’s magic) who say that miracles are impossible. But all of them aren’t worth a shit and they will burn in hell. Some real theologians of the New Testament who don’t have an agenda are Hannitites, Glennedictines and Dittoheads. They didn’t even have to read the Bible to know in their gut how real men do real work. But the best theologians are the Colbert cornholists. These guys know that Stephen Colbert is the last coming of Christ, another thing which the gospels talk about.

Paul’s Letters
See St. Paul.

Old Testament
We don’t need the Old Testament anymore because Jesus came and then he came again as Stephen Colbert. But what follows is the important stuff.

Torah
Jesus let Moses write this book. It contains the story of how Stephen Colbert created the world, how man had to be punished by the creation of woman and, best of all, it describes how great Moses was in battle. Also, it shows that God first revealed America’s constitution to Moses.

Histories
These books are God’s way of showing how nations that can kick ass are God’s favorite.

Prophets
These guys are all people who speak from the gut about how to save America from liberals, gays, intellectuals, women and Muslims. They were Jews who saw firsthand how grotesque Jews were and they told all of the ignorant Jews they had to live with that it was time to repent or else Jesus would kick their ass and destroy their buildings and synagogues.

Psalms
The psalms consist of English versions of what has been translated into American as “God bless America” and “The Star Spangled Banner.”