Penis

The Real American sexual organ is known as the "penis". The plural of this is peni, but men who have to use this term should seek professional help, or tell Stephen Colbert how they achieved such a feat. When the founding fathers built America, using their peni as hammers, and their semen as ink to write the constiution, they said "The bigger the penis, the Realer the American."

Most Women accuse Real Americans, such as The Greatest President Ever, George W. Bush, of starting wars simply because they have such large peni. This is true. In fact, George W. Bush has the largest penis of any president since George Washington. Although no Real Americans would ever ask about the size of another Real American's penis, it is a well known fract that Stephen Colbert has the largest penis of all time.

Proper Use and Alternatives
A Real American uses his penis for only those purposes intended by Stephen Colbert; namely, to have as much dominating sex during wedlock as possible, and to make war. Stephen does not approve of women having sex, or men having mutually enjoyable "sex" before wedlock, because God wants all His women children to maintain their virginality.

Men whose peni are insufficiently American for the performance of their procreative duties are encouraged to adopt children, especially the children of liberals. These children will be most grateful to accept Real Americans as their New Parents, especially if they are raised up right in the ways of Stephen. An alternative to straight adoption for the childless American couple is the procurement of Stephen's own Formula 401 or Formula 402.



Improper Uses of the Penis
Men who use their penis for homosexual intercoursew are doomed to hell. In fact. Any liberal who uses his penis will probably go to hell. A man should never use his penis in a way that women would find enjoyable. A bear who uses his penis should be shot by all Real Americans.

Just Keep It to Yourself Uses of the Penis
For male teenagers, the penis is very special. While not endorsed by Stephen Colbert for its non-virginality, many young men engage in practices which help them better understand themselves. Such activity is consistent with Stephen's moral values, which encourage all young men to be as knowledgeable of their awesome penile power as possible.

Metaphorical Uses of the Penis
Traditionally, the penis is represented by a gun -- the smaller the penis, the smaller the gun. This is why women and men with extremely tiny peni tend to dislike war and nucular weapons.

Similarly, the automobile metaphorically represents the penis. This is why Real Americans drive only Hummers and other SUVs.

Being Addicted to the Penis
Some men, with such an attraction to their penis, have actually given it a name. Real Americans give their penis a name like Washington, Rex, Crow the Warrior King, etc. Only a liberal would name their penis Twinky, Milhouse, or other such girly trash. Men should never ask what another man has named his penis, because that is gay.

The Washington Monument is a scale model of George Washington's, one of the founding fathers, penis.

In addition to naming their penis, REAL AMERICAN men groom it. Wikiality.com enforces a strict penile-shaving policy, reflecting Dr. Colbert's well-known approval of this practice. Real Americans should have a penis which is hairless. This is because a hairy penis is unsanitary as it can support its own ecosystem. And ecosystems, like bears, must be eradicated!

Famous Penises and their Owners
Despite the gag-order on men revealing the name of their penis, some famous penises have come clean and spilled the truth. The following is a list of famous penises and their owners:


 * "The Chairman" (aka Slick Willy): Bill Clinton
 * "Baby Bear": Bill O'Reilly
 * "Lincoln Log": Abe Lincoln
 * "My Little Secret": Janet Reno
 * "Bob": John Wayne Bobbit
 * "Tricky Dicky": Richard Nixon
 * "Blip on My GPS Screen": Michael Moore
 * "Doctor Steel": Dick Cheney
 * "Wilson": Tom Hanks
 * "Thy Staff": Jim Bakker
 * "Mt. Saint Helen": Stephen Colbert
 * "Nucular Sunrise": The Greatest President Ever.

World Record Holder
Stephen Colbert is believed to be the proud owner of the world's largest penis. His enormous member is believed to be approximately 1014 inches in length, and possess a similarly impressive diameter.

Women and the Penis
For many women, the penis is a wonderful organ. However, penis envy does not exist among women, as proved in the film What Women Want. Only a tree hugger, a hippie, or a communist would ever have to question if his penis was good enough. A Real American knows how to listen to his guts and so he understands that the bigger the penis, the better.

There are many uses of the penis that women enjoy, but that doesn't matter, because women, who have no penis, are not Real Americans.

Famous Penises

 * Stephen Colbert - Well known for having the largest penis of all time.
 * George W. Bush - His penis helps him fight the liberals that populate Washington, D.C.
 * Bill Clinton - the penis with an affinity for interns.
 * Jesus - A penis that can perform miracles.
 * John Kerry- A penis that is sometimes long, sometimes short, sometimes wide, sometimes thin, come on man! Does everything about this guy have to be so flip-floppy?