Iowa

Iowa is the 29th state of the greatest country in the world. Alphabetically, Iowa falls between Indiana and Kansas. To celebrate, Iowans shoot 29 Indians each year during harvest. Also, there is a rumour that people can actually get a driver's license in Iowa at 14 years of age.

Iowa, also known as the America of the Midwest with Minnisota as its Cannada and Missori as its Mexico. Iowa was a state created just for the purpose of growing corn, because everybody loves nice, wholesome corn. That's how the other Midwestern states all feed their cows.

Our hats are off to Iowa, but that's all that is going on.

Settlement
Iowa was settled by white people after America's Great Emancipator, Abraham Lincoln, killed off all the Indians in the Black Hawk Wars. Five survived, they were promptly shot, by Iowans.

Hordes of Germans flocked to Iowa to farm its rich, fertile loesses. More Germans fled to Iowa during the Civil War when they were being persecuted in the South for speaking damn furriner talk. They were promptly shot, by Iowans.

Amish people also established colonies to make refridgerators in Amana near the old capitol of Iowa City. They apparently went on to make the films, Kinpin, Witness, and For Richer or Poorer. They all suck.

After the Civil War, veterans from both sides were granted free land in Iowa. Some Veterans were quoted as saying "Well I lost my legs, but by God I've got land in Iowa". While US veterans were allowed free run of the state, Southern veterans and sympathizers were forced to settle in Evansdale.

History, Or Why Would Corn Farmers Need So Many Damn Guns?
A long time ago a bunch of railway barons pushed track through the prairies, and they put up a capitol in Iowa City, but then so many hippies came to check out the Peaceful Fool headshop that they moved it to Des Moines. The capitol is currently in Boise. Iowa's largest industrial cities are Cincinnati, Dayton, and Cleveland.

Achieving Statehood
Iowa was admitted to the Union as a Northern state (1846) to balance out the Southern admission of Texas (1845). As a result, Texans are considered the arch-nemeses of Iowans. It is reported that many gambling Iowan's refuse to play "Texas Hold'em" simply because of the name. This relates to the phenomenon of the many Iowans today who are still fighting the Civil War; defending the North against the treasonous South. Apparently only Iowa took the "South shall rise again" threat seriously.

Iowa Today
Iowa is famous for being the second whitest state in the Republic, although more and more Mexicans and Bosnians are immigrating to work in dangerous, dirty and difficult jobs that Iowans themselves don't seem to want to do such as slaughter pigs and work construction in freezing temperatures. They are politely asked to leave. If they do not, they are politely shot. They do like to watch the corn grow and even have it video recorded so they have something to watch during the winter.

The pervasive attitude of Conformity is ingrained in Iowa's youth through a summer-long festival of ritualized agricultural castration and genocide. In these required rites of passage, Iowa teens, of all known genders, are woken at 4:00 every morning, loaded onto a bus and dropped off in a cornfield. They must then walk 4 - 8 miles in one direction through the tall, wet cornfields all the while emasculating the weaker plants so they cannot breed. By the end of the first walk, they are wet and cold and hands are cut up with tiny little "paper-cut-like" slices (only more painful) from the leaves of the cornstalks. They must then walk back the other direction. Meanwhile as the day progresses the dew from plants turn into a humid vapour over the field as the heat rises to 95-100 degrees. This is only made worse by the wafting smell of the functioning manure-spreader on the neighboring farm. The day ends 12 hours later where they are driven back home for rest only to be subjected to this the next day. Of course during the night they dream about detassling.

This rite of passage, known to insiders as "Detassleing" ("Deroguing" is its related rite where non-conformist plants that are too tall or too sickly are uprooted and killed), perhaps best explains the destructive genocidal war crimes from such Iowans as, Buffalo Bill Cody (Cresco), Wyatt Earp (Pella), John Wayne (Winterset), Donna Reed (Denison), and Jerry Mathers as the Beaver (Sioux City).

Tom Vilsack has been the Democratic governor of Iowa ever since Canada moved from the 23 hour day to the 24 hour day. His regin of terror has finally ended. The blood of little Iowans will no longer be spilled for his appeasement. Iowa has now returned to its native form of conformist government by Missouri Synod Theocracy advocated by former Wisconsin Senator, St. Joseph McStalin. Non-conformists are subjected to a public Detassleing and/or Deroguing by angry mob. [Tom Vilsack was the most recent casualty. He is known now as "Tom Vil."

Iowa is a young state filled with guys who enjoy homoerotic sports such as wrestling and women who enjoy playing borderline personality disorder wife. However, the state has a hard time keeping these young people from moving to Hollywood to realize their full crazy-making potential. Because of this, Iowa is forced to draw thousands of young east-coast elitist liberals into the state through institutions like Luther College, Grinnell College, home of the Coalition of Progressive Democrats.

Old nucular silos dot the country-side of Iowa which have now been refurbished as housing for a new wave of war veterans.

Despite the quiet demeanor of this "Hobbiton of the United States", Iowans are considred the most arrogant of all citizens in the U.S. Perhaps it is a defensive reaction to being the butt of so many Minneosta and Wisconsin jokes. To quote Meredith Wilson, "There's an Iowa kind, a certain chip on the shoulder attitude [they've] never been without that [they] recall."

Iowa Landmarks
The tallest structure in Iowa is the Corn Palace, which ironically, is constructed entirely out of potatoes and even more ironically, is not even in Iowa.

The "City of Five Smells" is Cedar Rapids...uh..or is that Cedar Falls??!? Oh well. Its Iowa right...Say do you know John. I think he's from Iowa.

The covered bridges of Madison County, south of Des Moines, were the setting of the famous book and movie, Bridges of Madison County. Also, they were home to the great covered brige massacre of 1914.

Iowa State Fair is one of the largest state fairs in the US. It in fact has 74 items on a stick, all of which cause diabetes. And statues made of butter.

Iowa State University is home to the Jet Propulsion Lab and agricultural research on Mars. Must be some way to grow pigs up there! Yes, with robots, that's it. MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM........Robot Ribwhich. Ames is also home of the Atanasoff-Berry Computer (the world's first electronic digital computer)

Famous Iowuns

 * Buddy Holly's plane was shot down near Clear Lake by the Bovine Liberation Front, in retaliation for the Ribwhich. The Surf Ballroom is now the BLF's HQ.


 * Iowa is the birthplace of John Wayne (a true American hero, even if his first name really was Marion, Wayne was all man.) Wayne went on to shoot fifty men, all of whom were liberals.


 * Dear Abbey and her sister Ann Landers both lived in Sioux City and were two very famous morons who for decades gave daily advice to millions of other lesser morons in their newspaper columns. There comments increased teenage suicide in the nation by eight percent.


 * The 5 Sullivan Brothers who all died in the same attack on their ship in the Pacific during WWII came from Waterloo. They were all re-incarnated as Dr.Stephen Colberts hand.


 * That Charles Manson woman is also from Waterloo. She shot lots of people.


 * Weston Noble, age 187. Conductor of the Nordic Choir from Luther College.  Their choral sound is characterized by airy voiced sopranos who sound like "boys detassled before puberty."  Their vocal quality is probably due to the fact that they were all required to smoke in the south side of the Caf.

A Typical Day in Iowa
The day begins by falling out of bed through a gaping in whole in your house left by the latest tornado. You stumble about still half-asleep until you find yourself in the corncrib where you discover family members are either wrestling each other or trying to get in on with a sheep and a blue nightie.

You grab some pork and General Mills cereal for breakfast and head out into the fields to tassel the corn for the rest of the day. If it is Sunday, you go pray at the Lutheran Church that prices will be lowered even further at the Wal-Mart.

In the evening, you drive in your city car, a four-door Chrysler, down to the Legion Hall located between a Budweiser distribution center and a wildlife reserve that also allows hunting. After swapping war stories with yer buds and marginalizing that one vet who always insists on playing NPR radio at the Hall, you head out with your neighbor to go into town to get some deep-fried catfish, baked beans and Amish fruit wine.

Returning home, you get a call that your friend's kid has been diagnosed with some cancer caused by the chemicals sprayed on his soy bean crops. You turn on the TV to watch a UI team versus another UI team in either football or basketball.

Then you receive an email from your kid who is attending a local community college and talking about going to chiropractor school in the Quad Cities. In the meantime, she tells you she is engaged again. This time to a Muslim guy from Morrocco, so you are threatened with marital blackmail unless you agree to pay for chiropractor school and a new Sunfire.

Your wife is attending a bridal shower of a friend in Colorado, but you go bed soon after watching the evening weather report, assured that the other half of the house won't be ripped open by a tornado that night.