Bears

Bears are Godless killing machines, and are the #1 threat to our nation.

History of Bears
Bears, although created by the Lord, have shunned his loving ways, and have become godless killing machines. They hate our freedoms, and have been known to be used as shock troops for the British in the Revolutionary War, the Central Powers in World War I, the Nazis in World War II, and al-Qaeda in World War III

For years, these ravenous brutes have had free reign to use our woods as their personal latrine, protected by their ‘endangered’ status. Now the government is wisely considering ending grizzlies’ special treatment to protect our honey jars and Paddington Station.

Stephen's Words
"Last night, we did the Threatdown — God, it’s hard to even talk about this — and for the first time, I didn’t mention bears. It’s winter, they’re asleep, I didn’t think it would be a problem. But today I see this in the Toronto Globe and Mail — apparently a 700-pound polar bear showed up at a children’s hockey game. I’ve said this before, they’re after our kids — they’re tender, juicy, you don’t even have to throw away the bones."

“(reading a letter) ‘Dear Stephen, why aren’t you nicer to bears? I like them a lot! They make me laugh my head off. Love, Joshua.’ Like a lot of kids, Joshua has been misled about bears. They won’t make you laugh your head off, they’ll tear your head off.”

-Stephen Colbert

Worldwide Crisis
Bears appear all over the globe, their major headquarters are located in the Middle East and Canada. When not "hibernating", or recharging for the next attack, they are out on the loose, threatening men, women, and children of all ages. Many nonrenewable resources such as berries and salmon are being devoured by the greedy grizzleys. Luckily, with the help of Colbert Nation, this threat can be put to an end through the use of bear spray, bear traps, and our own bare hands. (No Pun Intended)

Alliance with the ACLU
The ACLU thinks these abominations are people. Pres. Bush has been working closely with Stephen Colbert to torture the ACLU leading officials.

Bear Trivia

 * They are godless killing machines.


 * How many bears does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, because they hate light, and all other good and holy things.


 * Roosevelt is also responsible for the teddy bear. The toys were named in honor of Roosevelt when, during a hunt, he refused to shoot an old female bear tied to a tree. After that act of appeasement, this bear went on to shoot Archduke Ferdinand, thus igniting World War I.


 * When you’re hiking, you should pin a bell to your clothes. It jingles, and that noise makes the bears think it’s Christmas, which they hate, because when they're not waging war on mankind they're waging a War on Christmas.


 * If confronted by a bear never turn your back on one. Such a gesture maybe seen as permission to mate.


 * In the year of 2006 a grizzly and polar bear mated, this is just one step in their plan to create the ultimate killing machine.


 * Also in 2006 a bear consumed a monkey, this is just one step in their move through the evolutionary chain.


 * Bears love honey and picnic baskets.


 * The bear population has increased in recent years, having risen over 3 times its previous level. You might think it's just elephants, but that's just the bear conspiracy, a bearspiracy if you will to make us all focus on the elephants while those godless killing machines get freaky in our woods!


 * Bears tend to attend their own walk of fame ceremonies in nothing but a red T-shirt! That's just despictable, think of the children.