The Borg

The Borg are GODLESS KILLING MACHINES and are the slaves of BEARS

ORIGIN The first Borg was created in 1998 by URSA, the Mother of All Bears, when she got her paws on a knockoff SNES made in North Korea, smashed it into bits, and scattered them over every communist graveyard that a bear could find.

MISSION In the alternate universe, the Borg were sent to the Delta Quadrant by the BEARS to recruit every communist and alien in the galaxy for the Great Bear Uprising.

INTELLIGENCE The Borg are rumored to number in the dozens of infinities.

The Borg often fly in airplanes that look like simple geometric shapes. This is widely believed to entice small children into playing with them so that they can hop out and turn them into Borg. To prevent this from happening, parents should not get their children flying blocks but regular non-flying blocks to play with.

RECENT ACTIVITIES In 2000, The Borg, with assistance from the BEARS, attempted to build a “Death Star” in a secret base outside of Churchill but was destroyed by the Starship Enterprise when bear hunters from Montana stumbled upon the secret base and warned the Baby Jesus, who in turn tasked the Starship Enterprise with destroying it.

Patrick Stewart was kidnapped, shaved, and converted by the Borg in 2001. He was used to attack America during the 2001 WAR ON CHRISTMAS, but was saved by Optimus Prime and the Bear Hunters of America when Stephen Colbert ripped the Chinese phone book in half with his toes and amazed all of the Borg so much that they decided to stop living because nothing else would be worth seeing. The only reason that Patrick Stewart survived was because he makes the Baby Jesus happy through his efforts to spread truthiness throughout the galaxy.

He was converted back to the side of good when Tek Jansen recovered the CROSS OF HEALING from the clutches of Abraxxia’s most vile servant, Susan Sarandon, and extracted the spirit of Locutus from the Borg Patrick Stewart and impaled it with the cross. The healing effort was successful in removing the hold that the Borg had on Patrick Stewart but the removal of the spirit of Locutus from his soul affected not only him but also the Borg. The true nature of this relationship is yet to be determined, although it is suspected that the Borg and Patrick Stewart cannot survive without each other.

PROPHECY In the Great Bear Uprising of 2012, all of the Borg will converge on Colbert Report headquarters in an attempt to destroy the TRANSMITTER OF TRUTHINESS, which sends truthiness to all the corners of the universe. It is predicted that Patrick Stewart will drive by the Colbert Report headquarters on his way home from a haircut and will attempt to intervene, but not before stumbling over a lightsaber left in the street by the ghost of Jedi Master Samuel L. Jackson.