Bears

For years, ravenous bears have had free reign to use our woods as their personal latrine, protected by their "endangered" status. Now the government is wisely considering ending grizzlies’ special treatment to protect our honey jars and Paddington Station.

It is believed that long ago all bear-kind were united in promoting the advancement of honey loving, swatting acrobatic fish out of the air and, by the location of their defecation alone, solving straightforward questions. However, bear-kind turned against man when we tried to offer them freedom: freedom to dance, fight for money and be kept in small cages. It was then that bear-kind fractured: the grizzlies (the militant wing of beardom), spectacled (elitists) and black bears (or just "bears," as Stephen calls them) became godless killing machines bent on wiping out mankind, and the polar bears became agnostic killing machines, in favor of wiping out mankind but setting as the first priority the devouring of human children. (Polar bears have been known to threaten Canadians but ... who hasn't?) Ever since, America has stood fast and alone against the tyranny of beariness. Bears are just scary.

Stephen's Words
"Last night, we did the Threatdown — God, it’s hard to even talk about this — and for the first time, I didn’t mention bears. It’s winter, they’re asleep, I didn’t think it would be a problem. But today I see this in the Toronto Globe and Mail — apparently a 700-pound polar bear showed up at a children’s hockey game. I’ve said this before, they’re after our kids — they’re tender, juicy, you don’t even have to throw away the bones."

“(Reading a letter) ‘Dear Stephen, why aren’t you nicer to bears? I like them a lot! They make me laugh my head off. Love, Joshua.’ Like a lot of kids, Joshua has been misled about bears. They won’t make you laugh your head off, they’ll tear your head off.”

-Stephen Colbert

Worldwide Crisis
Bears appear all over the globe, their major headquarters are located in the Middle East and Canada. When not "hibernating," or recharging for the next attack, they are out on the loose, threatening men, women, and children of all ages. Many nonrenewable resources such as berries and salmon are being devoured by the greedy grizzlies. Luckily, with the help of Colbert Nation, this threat can be put to an end through the use of bear spray, bear traps, and our own bare hands. (No Pun Intended)

All of the bears I know walk upright and drive BMWs. A road-raging bear can only be taken down with anti-tank weaponry you crazy fool.

Austrialia has been reporting carnivorus koalas, called "Drop Bears", which attack the unsuspecting by leaping from Eucalyptus Trees.

Alliance with the ACLU
The ACLU thinks these abominations are people. Pres. Bush has been working closely with Stephen Colbert to torture the ACLU leading officials.

Alliance with the NAACP
According to a Colbert interview with NAACP Chairman Julian Bond the NAACP is "pro-bear." Since the interview The NAACP has refused any further questioning about their pro-bear stance.

Alliance with Disney
The Disney corporation thinks that bears, in general, are not masculine enough for it's viewers. Which is why the new Winnie the Pooh animated series, to be starting on the Disney Channel this Fall 2006 will not star Christopher Robin, but a voluptuous female lead instead. Also, in an effort to spice up the Bear Country Jamboree, they will be serving beer and will now be joined by the burlesque show at the Golden Horseshoe.

Bear Trivia

 * They shit in the woods,and wipe their ass with their own paws.


 * They are Godless killing machines.


 * How many bears does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, because they hate light, and all other good and holy things.


 * Roosevelt is also responsible for the teddy bear. The toys were named in honor of Roosevelt when, during a hunt, he refused to shoot an old female bear tied to a tree. After that act of appeasement, this bear went on to shoot Archduke Ferdinand, thus igniting World War I.


 * When you’re hiking, you should pin a bell to your clothes. It jingles, and that noise makes the bears think it’s Christmas, which they hate, because when they're not waging war on mankind, they're waging a War on Christmas.


 * If confronted by a bear never turn your back on one. Such a gesture may be seen as permission to mate.


 * In the year of 2006, a grizzly and polar bear mated. This is just the first step in their plan to create the ultimate killing machine.


 * Also, in 2006, a bear consumed a monkey. This is just another step in their move through the evolutionary chain.


 * Bears love honey and picanic baskets,hey-ay-ay boo boo.


 * Bears tend to attend their own walk of fame ceremonies in nothing but a red T-shirt! That's just despicable. Think of the children! Better yet, hide the children and lock the doors,Because i'm not gonna look at a bears schlong! WE'RE DOOMED!!


 * Bears are allied with the Democratic Party, along with the Asses.


 * Bears are the majority shareholders in The New York Times stock.


 * Osama bin Laden is actually a bear taking human form.


 * Bears use Tabasco sauce for eye drops.


 * Bears superficially watch CBS in droves to create a dishonest market sample of viewership so CBS can propagate more terrible shows.


 * Some people mistakenly think "bear spray" is a bear repellent, so they spray it on their kids. The bears like this because it makes the kids taste a little spicy.


 * Stephen Colbert will never submit to the bear agenda unlike weaker television hosts such as Bill O'Reilly aka "Papa Bear" aka "Papa Joe Paterno",coach of Penn State and co-founder of Paterno-Spurrier Daycare Service.At Paterno-Spurrier Daycare, we cry and whine so your kids don't have to.


 * 17.5% of half of the world's bears, or approximately 21,204, exhibit homosexual tendecies by the age of 5. This indicates whether or not they are direct decendants of Satan or just distant cousins.


 * Women should be especially careful when in the woods because "The bears can smell the menstruation,and the masturbation"


 * Bears are known to appear at parks, causing parents to keep their children indoors. Bears are now waging war against christmas AND swing sets.


 * Bears drink Coca-Cola, a major softdrink conglomerate. Coca-Cola has contained cocaine. Bears are allied with Colombian drug lords.


 * Bears are allied with Megatron. Megatron is the eternal enemy of the Autobots and arch-enemy of Optimus Prime.


 * Bears bite, they really really bite. Not just a nibble, but a huge bite.


 * Bears like honey, and will stop at nothing to get honey. What animals makes honey? That's right, bees! Who likes bees, they sting like the dickens. Bears have a mutual alliance with bees.

Who is driving?
Oh my God Bear is Driving! How can that be?