The War On Science

The War on Science is an existential battle to defend and secure the Forces of Truthiness. It's aim is to subdue the axis of liberalism (academia-media-Al Gore) and make America safe once and for all from the bear-inspired conspiracy against common sense.

Causes of the War
While the Church fought valiantly in the beginning to silence his lies, Galileo landed the opening shot of The War in the fourteenth century A.D. with his audacious claim that the Earth rotates on its axis and revolves around the Sun. The Church Fathers could see just as well as you and I that the Sun moves through the sky, but Galileo was a brilliant propagandist who promulgated the Scientific Principle that you cannot believe what you're own eyes are telling you and instead must rely on Al Gebra, which is the terrorist-Mooslim art of hallucinating using funny symbols. Al Gebra based theories of the Universe were taught to Galileo by Copernicus, a Polish nerd who openly admitted that his stuff was pretty trippy and not to be taken seriously. But the Defenders of the Faith faltered and acted weakly, merely confining Galileo to house arrest, where he composed deceitful Dialogues that not only argued for the moving Earth theory, but even claimed, preposterously, that heavy objects fall to Earth at the same speed as light ones. He purported to prove it by flicking a slice of pepperoni and flake of cheese off of a Tower of Pizzas and watching them hit the floor at the same time. You would think that this bogus experiment would have discredited him to posterity, but the enemy combatants who worship at the alter of Science regard this to be one of the great achievements of all time.

Galileo was followed by Isaac Newton who increased the potency of Galileo's toxic ideas by inventing the Calculus and a theory of Gravitation that was so complicated that Church was left speechless and so was not heard from on the subject for some time. Yet this was only a dalliance for Newton, who spent most of his time in his meth lab performing Al Chemy and thus setting the stage for the War on Drugs.

There ensued a sort of cease-fire in which Science and Common Sense (i.e., truthiness) coexisted in a peace that lasted for some two centuries. Then a puckered-anus homo named Charles Darwin blew the lid off the status quo.

In a yyyy broke-dick book called Origin of Species, Darwin announced that human beans are descended from… monkeys! I’ll be the first to admit that monkeys bear an uncanny resemblance to liberal democrat truck chasers, especially when they masturbate at the zoo, but dammit! If I’m a monkey’s uncle it can’t be the other way around too. That’s just plain truthiness. Investigative reporting by Fox News indicates that Darwin got this idea from a tropical bear he met in a men’s restroom on the Galapagos Islands. I don’t doubt it, but that’s no excuse. This cowardly attack on the Bible’s infallibility must be confronted ruthlessly, and earlier crusaders on behalf of truthiness have shown the way.

Early History of the War on Science
While Real Americans were off in Europe saving the French’s namby-pamby asses in World War I, the scientist-blasphemers on the home front were busy placing Darwin’s Theory of Evolution on the public school curriculum. Dealing with these treacherous liberal bastards had to be placed on hold until 1918, while we finished draping the bloody entrails of the Kaiser’s best all over Europe (God! Those were the days!) and imposed an appropriately punitive armistice that made every red-blooded patriot celebrate good ole American kick-ass with a draught of dead-German lager. By stark contrast, what these American heroes came home to was absolutely shocking.