Optimus Prime



Optimus Milhouse Prime (July 24, 999,728,602,820 B.C. - August 9, 2005) was the 40th President of the United States. A chiseled, wise man of the people, Optimus Prime was well loved as an ordinary Joe and a fearless asskicker of ass. Prior to his presidency, he was known to most of the American population by his toy which featured the unique ability to transform from redneck-mobile to awkward robot.

Beyond Earth, he still holds the undisputed title of Rochambeau Champion of the Universe.

Optimus Prime in U.S. History
In the year 1984, when Americans were too busy eating their Ninja Turtles pudding pies and wetting their pants in anticipation for when the Red Soviet Phantom Menace was going to carpet bomb their country with Skittles (because the Reds were too poor to buy real nukes), one man, nay, one robot man had the balls to step forward and blast the enemy square in the face at point-blank range. That robot man was Optimus Prime.

Optimus Prime, a transforming Autobot transformer that could transform, came to Earth to thwart the terrorist tyranny of the almighty Megatron (Praise be to Allah) and his ruthless Decepticon robo-camel jockies. Optimus Prime's philosophy was "Freedom is the right of all sentient beings", a motto that was passed down to him by his mentor, George W. Bush.

During his presidency, Prime was not sheltered from negative press. Three terrorist attacks would be milestones of his presidency:

-The deliberate demolition of Sherman Dam, the largest hydro-electric powerplant in the Western Hemisphere

-The destruction of the Burma Crystal Mine

-The illegal invasion of the planet Cybertron into Earth's atmosphere

Despite these attacks and a grand total of 3,041,683 lives lost, Optimus Prime would go down in history as America's favorite president with Captain America following in at a close second.

Evil Decepticons
Like most illegal immigrants, the Decepticons are terrorists bent on destroying America because our country is nicer than their entire planet. While the other terrorist legions of the world tried to overthrow America through politics or collapsing the occasional office building, the Decepticons were much less subtle. These illegal immigrants from the stars would build giant laser cannons on a weekly basis, using them to blow holes in the moon or turn New York City into a robo-metropolis. To power their weapons of mass destruction, the Decepticons would steal energon from things like hydro-electric dams, ruby crystals, Dr. Arkeville's brain or solar panels.

Heroic Autobots
As a testament to Optimus Prime's superior leadership skills, he managed to lead a giant toys to victory against the mighty Decepticon forces. Fighting alongside Prime were Autobots such as Sunstreaker, known for his obsession with his looks and effiminine lisp, Tracks, known for his obsessesion with his looks and tendancy to hang around a street punk with a heart of gold named Raul, and Jazz, the black guy. Other notable Autbots included Huffer, the chronic whiner, Gears, the chronic complainer and Grimlock, the T-Rex that wouldn't listen to orders no matter what.

By most calculations, Prime and the Autobots should have folded faster than Ping Pong's dry cleaners, yet through his unmatched leadership skills, Prime heroically slaughtered the forces of the Decepticons.

8/9/05
On August 9, 2005, Interstellar Flight 93 was hijacked by Decepticon extremists en route to Autobot City, Oregon. The terrorists included toys banned from most FAA flights, including Starscream (Al-Tariq Mahmood Hassood), communications expert Soundwave (Aisha Hamas), and terrorist mastermind Megatron (Muhammad Durka bin Ladentron). Scientists and forensic experts concur that the hijackers used an array of simple instruments such as pulse-blasters, laser rifles, and fusion cannons to nullify the ship's crew. There were no survivors.

Ground control at Autobot City failed to pick up any signs of erratic behavior from Flight 93, though witnesses on the ground reported that there was "a hole in the shuttle." A civilian opened fire on the ship and ignited its fuselage, causing it to explode. The surviving Decepticons laid siege to Autobot City with screams of "Allah-u Ackbar!", which means "Admiral Ackbar is great!" in terrorist-speak.

After more than 3 hours of heavy gunfire on the city, ground communications expert Buster Jones sent a distress signal to Optimus Prime requesting reinforcements. The following is a copy of that fateful transmission:

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Jones: "Optimus Prime, you heard tha word? Them Decepticons be blitzin' dis mutha-f*ckin' city!  Them suckaz is really poundin' like--"

Rumble(Decepticon): "First we crack the shell, then we crack the nuts inside!"

-

An hour later, Optimus Prime landed with a handful of dinosaur toys, all of whom were crushed shitless. It was at this time that Prime declared a formal statement of war, a War on Not Being a Pussy. Eyewitnesses say that he barrelled through a large number of Decepticons and did a spin-jump and killed a bunch of Decepticons and a young child, though those reports seem to be exaggerated. What is known is that Optimus Prime and Megatron, in the minutes afterwards, would settle their millenia-old debt with a wrestling match, the universal game of manlihood known as Rochambeau, and a fight with plastic lightsabers.

They both got owned.

Optimus Prime was pronounced dead at exactly 3:00pm Western Time on August 9, 2005 due to an inflamed appendix and the need to sell more toys. His death was punctuated by the screams of young children in theaters worldwide, which is said to have a lasting traumatic impact even to this day.