The World According to Palin

Note to self: Possibly this should be called "Better Know Americas" or "Sarah Palin's Better Know Americas" or even "Better Know Americas with your host Sarah Palin"

Sarah Palin, who is discussed at length elsewhere has some pretty funny ideas about the configuration of the Western Hemisphere of our great planet, along with some other geographical pecadilloes. Her knowledge of our world rivals that of the Greatest President Ever. God Bless the American School System!

The "American Continent" is a rather ambiguous term. Esteban Colberto will tell you that most Latin Americans (ie people belong to the true continents of Central America and South America, as well as Mexicans) will refer to their home as "America" as well. Thus Mrs. Palin's gut is quite correct when she refers to the Americas as a single country.

For the purposes of this discussion: North and South America are one continent and one country. Everything else inside this gross geographical boundary is a State, Territory, Protectorate, or in one special case, a District.

North America
The broad area of America referred to as North America is made up of one country, two territories and a district.

Canada
Canada is a liberal-hippie bear haven discussed at length here. They are so polite that they created their own money, so that Americans could shop there at a 20-40% discount. They are a territory of the United States. Canada, located just north of the US, is noted for exporting oil, cereal grains, beef, trees, electicity, Newfoundland Screech, and BC bud.

The United States of America
Everybody knows that the USA, God Bless America, is the greatest country on Earth. It is also the only country on the American Continent.

Mexico
Mexico is the territory where the US jobs and factories go, and where the maids come from. It is also where American university students go to consume mass quantities of alcohol in a ritual commonly known as "Spring Break." It is a major producer of oil, tequila, mescal, and Mexican bud. Mexico is the birthplace and home of Esteban Colberto, the award-winning host of Colberto Reporto Gigante.

Washington DC
Washington DC is a District of Colombia that is often referred to as part of the USA. However, due to a constitutional loophole, it's actually an independant city-state embedded in the swampland of the Eastern Seaboard. DC is in fact, completely unattached to any of the other three regions of North America - as it is a District of Colombia, it truly belongs to the South American region, even though it is located on a different landmass. Regardless of who refuses to claim it, DC has no voting rights in either area.

Central America
Just south of Mexico, there's an a land bridge between the regions of North America and South America, which is normally referred to as a country but is in fact a general political designation, since neither region really wants to claim them. This is Central America, which is composed of a number of tiny Spanish-speaking territories that are most notable for being periodically taken over by the CIA. These territories are generally used for arms trading, drugs smuggling, black-ops banking, and hand-to-hand weapons testing, by the member countries of the G8. Some territories are also used as training centers for US black-ops and international assasins; these are trained at the Universities of the Americas where they are also taught languages. This region is prone to mudslides, hurricanes, earthquakes, volcanoes, hostile takeovers (within member territories), random bombings, plane crashes, and is an AMZ (Active Militarized Zone).

The Central American Territories are listed here from north to south, and are most profitably known as the "Cocaine Gateway to the United States." Kidnapping is the most lucrative sport throughout the region.

Belize
Belize has hardwood trees, sandy beaches, and inexpensive retirement properties available to true Heroes. It is periodically washed into the Gulf of Mexico.

Guatemala
Guatemala's slogan is: "stable" since 1996! Along with Mexico, it is home to Illuminati-style flat-topped pyramids, most commonly seen on the US one-dollar bill. Guatemala is the homeland of Masons that do not adhere to the dictates of the Scottish Rite. It exports organic coffee, blankets, vegetables, and bananas. However, its primary source of income is from expatriots who fled to America during the civil wars and now send their US dollars home.

Honduras
Honduras' main occupation is invading or being invaded by neigboring El Salvador. It is not the home of Honda-generated bicycles or cars, or really much of anything or anyone else.

El Salvador
El Salvador's main occupation is invading or being invaded by neighboring Honduras. The territory's full name translates as "Province of Our Lord Jesus Christ, the Saviour of the World." They are still waiting for the return of the Baby Jesus from his vacation.

Nicaragua
Nicaragua is the 61st free-est Free Market Capitalist Economy in the world. They are famous exporters of Rum, much more so since the embargo on Cuba.

Costa Rica
Costa Rica is a liberal tree-hugger hippy haven, as well as the playground for the world's drug lords, arms dealers, and retired generals. They export bananas.

Panama
Panama, home of the Panama Canal, Panama Boots, and Panama Hats, is a free-trade district. It is the world's leading exporter of Manual Noriegas (although that particular model never came in Automatic.) This car's creator, also called Manuel Noriega, had to be rescued by US Marines because of questionable accounting practises linked to his witholding of cash gained in lucrative drug deals from his partners. His sucessful extraction was achieved with the help of David Bowie and Van Halen; the latter's song "Panama" subsequently became a big hit. As both his presidency and his life were in jeapordy, he was airlifted to an undisclosed location, where he was made a senior director of the World Bank, along with close friends President Marcos and Papa Doc. None of these directors has been seen since, due to the secrecy surrounding the World Bank's location and operations.

South America
At the other end of the land bridge is the region of South America, which has 10 states and 3 protectorates in it. It is full of Spanish and Portuguese speaking people who are normally encountered in the United States under the umbrella term of "Mexicans."

Argentina
This is the state where, when the impeachment process was initiated in 2007, the Greatest President purchased 40,000 hectares (100,000 acres US) of the most abundant petroleum=producing land in the state. This is a mere coincidence, we're sure, just like the fact that it has no extradition to the US. Argentina, like Texas is famous for its beef. It is also the leading resort of retired NAZIs and Evil Blue Meanies. No wonder the Greatest President feels at home here.

Brazil
Brazil, made popular by the Terry Gilliam movie of the same name, is the largest state in South America. Its major products are coffee, oil, cars, and swimsuit models. It is the Cocaine Gateway to Asia and Europe. This is the only state of the South American region that does not speak Spanish. Lots of liberal hippy tree-huggers go on and on about Brazil, because it has a lot of rainforest on it and also the Amazon River. Contrary to popular beleif, Rio de Janiero is not the capital of Brazil. It is, however, the beach playground of superstar swimsuit model Gisele. The capital of Brazil is, surprisingly, Brasilia.

Chile
Chile, a mostly mountain state, farms rocks, manufactures cars, and exports peaches. They are the major west-coast importer of Asian technology and it as expensive to live there as it is in Miami Beach, Florida, although it is subtantially less gay. Penguins vacation in southern Chile; Snowbirds do not. Chileans vacation in Colombia. Chile is also notable for losing 24 inches of its beach to the Pacific Ocean every year. By the time Mrs. Palin becomes president, Chile will be nothing but a world-class ski-resort similar to the Himilayas.

Colombia
This state is the third-largest producer of cocaine in the world (behind Bolivia and Peru). It is the number one producer of fraudulent pyramid schemes (find a link for this), which are managed and directed by the Presidente's brother. In 2008, the Colombian army lured young, homeless males into the jungle, killed them, and claimed that they were FARC rebels, in order to acquire medals and promotions. It is the winner of the US war-on-drugs lottery for ten years running, where $200 million US tax dollars are given to the state per year in order to reduce cocaine production. It has, under this excellent scheme, grown by 15% in the past year alone, proving that US capitalist job-creation is alive and well. God Bless America!

Ecuador
Nobody knows very much about this state. It is God's central headquarters for the production of bananas and tins of dolphin-free tuna fishes. It is also, paradoxically, a seat of Baby Satan who has a luxury condo on Darwin's Galapagos Islands. The mainland, however, makes Baby Jesus very happy, since he likes the sight of tall, glacier-covered volcanoes reaching up to heaven. This is the only South American state that is safe from earthquakes, since anything less than a 4.0 does not count.

The Guayanas and Suriname
Nobody knows much about these three little protectorates, located in the northern swamps of South America. We can only assume that the French, British and Dutch wanted somewhere a little warmer that still reminded them of home.
 * British Guayana was made famous by the Rev. Jim Jones (a proud American) who ran his own version of the Electric Kool-aid Acid Test on 900 American citizens who he imported from the west coast of the USA expressly for the purpose of his own personal enrichment and experimentation.
 * French Guayana is the only territory in the history of the world to have surrendered to France. It is the original home of the famed "Surrender Monkeys" which live in the trees that grow out of the swamps there.  These monkeys are unique in having been exported to France and given citizenship there.  They are easy to recognize by their signature behaviour of rolling onto their backs and exposing their bellies when threatened.  Inhabitants of French Guayana are not generally smelly and unshaven; however, the import of the Surrender Monkeys, who are indeed all of these things, is in fact responsible for the common conception that all French citizens are uncouth, unshaven, and unwashed.
 * Suriname was won by the Dutch in a crooked game of cards aboard a Spanish pirate ship. It is currently a large Muslim enclave, and the top vacation destination for the Baby Mohammed.  It exports bauxite and shrimp, and the occasional extremist.  Suriname is largely populated by the descendants of early North American slave-trade escapees, extremists, and those Dutch so lacking in social graces that they won a holiday there.  Early exports included rocks, to build dykes in Holland.

Paraguay
Paraguay is the Americas' largest producer and exporter of cheap knock-off consumer electronics, which are sold in the megamall city "Ciudad del Este" and distributed worldwide. That Toshibr television you just paid three grand for? A proud product of Paraguay! Chances are your GOP knockoff t-shirt was also made there.

Peru
Peru is the land of Maccu Piccu, Democrat Shamans (find a link) and Alpaca and Vicuna sweaters. Lima, the capital, has a lovely beach with abundant seafood, and is just as expensive as Fisherman's Wharf. Peru is second in continental cocaine production, and the leading producer of Peruvian Flake Cocaine (r).

Uruguay
Uruguay is South America's least corrupt state, and also one of its poorest. It is often referred to as the Canada of Latin America. Although it is too tropical to have bears it is still a bastion of the Baby Satan, not least because its people are too poor to be corrupt and too happy with Socialism and citizen rights, which are both enforced by the state's police.

Uruguay has earned the prestigious Al Franken seal of Communist-Socialist-Marxist Approval.

Venezuela
Venezuela has oil, Chevrolets, steel, and a loony Monarchist president (Hugo Chavez). He is referred to as a Socialst-Capitalist, and has built no fewer than 9 oil refineries in the Mainland United States. Most notably, Chavez proposed a constitution that would make him Presidente for Life, which was resoundingly voted down by the citizens of the state when put to a plebicite. Americans will probably recall him best for his remarks that the Greatest President smelled of sulfur, like the Baby Satan. His last act as president was to claim 51% ownership of all children born in the country. Chavez will be booted into the street in Venezuela's 2009 elections, now that his two terms are up. Thank you, Baby Jesus!