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Breaking News Archive

Canadian Zoo suffers crisis
The Canadian Zoo, America Junior, December 6, 2008 - Today the director of the zoo (aka “Governor-General” of the zoo, they love them big titles), was forced to call an state of emergency and forcefully shut down the Canadian Zoo (aka “parlement” or something like that) to protect the general public.

Two of its own bears (an alpha-gluteus-orificium-ministur bear named Harper, and a boobynus-crytoddler bear named Dion (a long lost bear-brother of Celine Dion)) have unleashed what some experts call a ‘bear-war’. While no one is sure as to why these two bears are fighting, there is speculation that their motives could be territorialism or part of a mating ritual to impress a mate. The Canadian Zoo has only one female bear (a publicus-ignoramus species).

The conflict among these ravenous bears have caused casualty among the animals in the zoo. Among the casualties were doves (democraticus publicus pax species), a turtle (kommunis intelligentia, a rare species), and a lion (honoremus rex). There is still no update as to the fate of a rare species of eagle (the constitunos aquilar). But experts speculate their bloodbath will end soon, otherwise the Zoo will be force to take the two bears into the backyard and shoot them both out of their misery (thought the possibility that both may have contracted rabies have not been dismissed).

Former child-star Knut faces eviction
Zoo will replace him with a younger penguin

We-are-not-Nazis-Germany, December 4, 2008 – Knut the world superstar of the animal kingdom will turn 2 this year. Yet, what it should be a time of festivity it is instead a time of somber anguish. For this once former child-star of the zoo will face the realities that comes with adulthood and dwindling fame. The zoo is planning to evict him as soon as his contract expires.

KNUT'S ARRIVAL Knut was born in December 5, back in 2006, his mother abandoned him after she run away with a grizzly bear. Yet this orphan was raised and mentored by his zookeeper and manager, Thomas Dörflein.

“Oh, yeah. Knut loved him like a father, and he was a good mentor while it lasted” replied Knut’s personal cage cleaner. “Those were good times…” Yet those good times wouldn’t last if secret anti-bear agents got their way. They decided they should have “eliminated” the mini-godless killing machine when they had the chance. Animal activist Frank Albrecht believed that the bear should die (that’s german for you), “De bear must die! For it is ze only way he kan be free, rather zan be at herr hands of decadence and humilliazion of being a pet”. Wolfram Graf-Rudolf, the director of the zoo agreed with him, plus the bear was hurting the zoo’s budget. Yet it was this controversial move that catapulted Knut into a celebrity status overnight. And Wolfram recognizing an opportunity for profit he exploited it to the fullest.

KNUT MANIA Soon there were Knut t-shirts, plushy dolls, Knut key-chains and other junk that at the times was cool to own. Knut even released his own music video and his one hit-wonder; the sales of the CD music made him wealthy. Hollywood even signed a deal to film an “inspirational” life story on the silver screen, which became a box office success. The movie won acclaimed acolytes and several awards, even an Oscar. Soon the zoo was taking large profits (the first in several decades). “Do you know how much a zoo director makes a year? Not enough. But ever since the success of Knut it was a wild ride”, commented Wolfram. And a wild ride it was, soon the zookeepers had their own chuffers and maids, they would drive in limos to work, Wolfram Graf-Rudolf invested half of the zoo’s profits in the housing market. As for Knut, he lived the life of a prince; he had it all, fame, wealth, all the fish he could eat and all the tail he could chase (both figuratively and literally).

By day visitors would flock to the zoo to see Knut, and buy all the crap they had on sale; by night the zookeepers and Knut would throw wild coke parties with booze, hookers, and have wild orgies late into the night…

THE CUTENESS DIES But the good times didn’t last, soon Knut hit puberty and that’s when troubles got started. People stopped visiting the zoo and buying the crap that they had on sale. “Who wanted to see a has-been 440 pound overweight godless killing machine? Nobody, there is no profit on that,” Wolfram replies. Knut, like many superstars were also difficult to handle, many zookeepers considered him to be a prima donna, diva, and drama queen, yet they only tolerated the little bear because of the money he brought to the zoo. But now at the age of 2, many have conspired to have him replaced with a younger and sexier penguin, hoping it will bring back the good years… It wasn’t just the zoo that turned his back on him, the public abandoned him as well. The acclamations and adulation that once resonated in the air were now silent filled with yawns. At a moment of desperation he even joined with Animal Planet on a financial project, a porno movie named “March of the Horny Bears: so hot it will melt the Polar Caps”, the movie was a financial failure and it ruined Knut’s career…

“Is crazy, they are kicking me out! After all that I have done for the business! They want me to go back to the North Pole… are they crazy? The polar caps are melting and there is little to eat there… but wait and see, I will have my comeback… is just a matter of time” replied Knut as he prepared to pack his belongings.

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Obama gets the robot vote!


University of Florida, November 3, 2008 – The McCain campaign seems to be doom to loose, and the culprit are robots. “Everybody knows that robots don’t get to vote, but that hasn’t stop them on rigging this election. Think about it? Only robots know how to use the ‘series of tubes’ and their master Al Gore (aka Robot Master) is destroying our democracy!” decried an angry McCain staff manager. “If Obama wins, it will be the rise of the machine! Soon our toasters and microwaves will demand equal rights! Our cars will stop working unless we pay them equal wages, and the robots will run the country powered by human blood!”

The Obama campaign denied such accusations, “Not true. The robots run on hope, and they promised us they won’t uprise if we give them an annual tribute in oil…”

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Shocking News On The October Surprise!!


The McCain Campaign, October 31, 2008 – The McCain campaign may have found the weakness on Obama’s impenetrable +20 armor. “At first we tried to toss any dirt that we fabricated discovered, but nothing worked. First we told the people that his bff was a terrorist, and it didn’t work, then we tried that he is a terrorist/marxist/alien/muslim, and that didn’t work… but then we found it!!! Obama is a secret nerd! He is a member of the Nerd Patrol!! If there is one thing that Real Americans hate worst than terrorists, liberals, or the gays… are the nerds!!! Braniacs like him are the likes like Al Gore and Kerry, and both of them lost the election against Bush our Jock In Chief,” replied McCain’s campaign manager. “Obama has created this imagine of being cool, suave, and charismatic. With a hot wife, loving kids, and being a basketball player you would think he was a “normal” black man… but in fact he had been hiding a secret all his life, and that secret is that he is an undercover nerd!”

When told to an undecided voter that Obama was a secret Nerd, he replied “It all makes sense now. His eloquent vocabulary, his amazing understanding of technology, and his shocking ability to use the internet ‘series of tubes’ to gather gazillions of donations, and the fact that he graduated the elitist Harvart school and not being black enough... it explains it all,” then he decided he was voting for McCain. “Everybody knows that he was the last on his class, he can’t be a nerd.”

It was the perfect cover. He was an undercover nerd, and no one would suspect a black man being a nerdinista, since all nerds are white (and asian) and black men are either cool or gangsta. No one suspected that he was a ‘Black Nerd’, the rarest of Nerd species and he could have gotten away with it…

It is believed that all major news media like Fox will run this story 24 hrs a day until Obama acknowledges his dark secret. “We cannot trust a Nerd on inheriting executive power. Who knows what kind of chaos it would unleash into the world! It wont be natural!! Jocks run this country, not nerds!! What’s he going to do? Run a game of D&D while he negotiates with the likes of Mahmoud Ahmadinerdgeekdorkjihad? Host a LARP game with Kim Jong Il (aka Agathor Il The Paladin of Socialized Justice)? Nationalize Comicon and Gencon? My God! Can you imagine that?? Soon everyone will think that nerds are cool and they will run this country!! Children will think learning is cool, libraries will sprang out of nowhere, and books will replace guns!! Obama could become the Nerd In Chief (aka King of Nerds) and run out the Real Americans out of the country!

When we tried to contact the Obama campaign we were told that they were busy on preparing a cosplay party to celebrate his presidential victory… we are doom.

###

Emergency News! Zombies Kill Real Amercians!!


Wall Street, October 30, 2008 – In what seemed like a nice day it turned into a bloodbath. After Real American Christians prayed to their new god God’s Golden Bull, they decided to hold a "special ritual". As their devotion progressed with their orgy devotional prayer, they were suddenly attacked by the enemies of Real Americans. No, it was not terrorist or liberals or The Gays. It was zombies!! A horde of dead creatures ate all of the Real Americans praying to the Wall Street Bull and drenched it in their death Blood earlier today. “Why?? Why?? I prayed to the Bull all day and night, and slept with female worshipers as I was told, we even planned a virgin sacrifice and this is how our faith is repaid??” shouted one of the Real Americans before he was eaten. Many of the Zombies developed indigestion and died, the investigation is still pending as to what killed these liberal-flesh-eating walking corpses.

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God Holds Emergency Prayer To Fix Economy


WALL STREET, October 29, 2008- The Real Americans decided to hold an emergency prayer to fix the economy (non-real Americans or Fake Americans are not invited). To make the demon of the ‘bad economy’ go away.

According to Cindy Jacob (also known as Aaron by her friends) we are being punished for allowing the gays to decorate our houses and get gay married, for having a Muslim presidential nominee, and having daily abortions.

“God told me, you must gather the Real Americans and worship the golden calf… I mean Bull and like magic it will fix the economy, make the gayness go away and stop women from having abortions… and it works, I found a dollar. I don’t like women anymore, and I stop craving for abortions!”

Strangely enough, there had been a rain of frogs in the part of the Real America only.

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Bush Wining the War against Terra
Bearrorists seen running for the glaciers

MOSCOW, RUSSIA, October 24, 2008- The Greatest President Ever is wining the war against Communist Bears, the Godless Killing Machines are dying out in large numbers. The Greastest Vice President ever declare the Bearrorists are “in last throes” of the war. Bush brilliant tactics of declaring war on Terra have driven the Bearrorist population down. Soon Commi Polar Bears will go extinct like the welfare liberal Dodos.

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Aunt Jemima Sues the Obama Campaign


Somewhere in Mississipi, September 13-- Values Voter Summit organizers were tricked into buying and eating one of the latest of Obama’s products, Obama’s Waffles.

“I don’t know how this happen. I thought they were normal waffles until I saw his face on the box,” replied a local man wearing a white hood. “They trick me!!”

Aunt Jemima has decided to sue Obama for ‘Trademark Violation’. “Oh, no he didn’t!! Look at those popping eyes, those big thick lips, and … is he wearing a kerchief over his hair??? That’s mine bitch!!!”

“I don’t know how this happen… and I am the one that created and sold these things” replied Mr. Jim Crow Law, the creator, manufacturer and salesman of the Obama Waffles.

Mr. Obama, shame on you for tricking people again, and this waffles don’t taste like Hope at all!!

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John McCain Acceptance Speech Great Success Or The Greatest Success Ever!!!!
The Soon To Be Greatest President Ever energized the Republican convention. So great was his speech that Obama was forced to recognised McCain greatness by hacking into the screen system and congratulating him personally. We have not seen this video yet, but we believe Obama bows down and repents for his sins. Since Obama has acknowledge McCain greatness, it is only time before the Democrats surrender their mooslim leader.

Urgent News!!! We got a hold of the video, hasnt been review yet but we believe this demonstrates who is the Soon To Be Greatest President Ever!!

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Mooslim Prophet To Headline Democrat Hajj In Denver!


''The Mooslim prophet, Mohammad(Peace Be Upon Him), will speak the final day. His plane is expected to arrive minutes before his scheduled time slot.''

DENVER, COLORADO, August 24, 2008--

Internets Heroes Sue Plagiarizer!
Internets Heroes, editors of Wikiality.com, the Truthiness Encyclopedia successfully sue author for all the proceeds of his book that copied directly from their tubes!

COLBERT CITY, UTAH, August 15, 2008-- Lawyers for the Truthiness Encyclopedia have successfully defended their internets content from unauthorized copying and selling for profit. A group of Wikiality.com editors took author Jerome Corsi to court and sued him for for stealing truthyisms directly from their tubes, which he then published in his book with no citation or credit whatsoever.

"'I felt like I was lynched and raped and treated like a common liberal,' an unnamed Wikiality.com editor posted in the 'News' section of the internets tube dedicated to Dr. Stephen T. Colbert, D.F.A., 'I feel this ruling will help me recover from all this rape and arson.'"

After spending hours reviewing the page in question (Barack Hussein Obama), the court officials determined that too many similarities existed between the two esteemed publications, including:
 * every rumor being floated about Mr. Hussein Obama
 * common spelling mistakes
 * odd internet memes
 * and a few rumors scheduled to be released later in the year in other publications

Mr. Corsi's publisher, Regnery, has asked that the new, unreleased rumors be removed from the internets and proceeded to counter-sue for intellectual property infringement.

The judge awarded the over 9,000 editors an equal portion of all the proceeds of Mr. Corsi's book, which has been calculated to be a half dozen Rush Limbaugh Official "Domincan Boy Inspector" t-shirts, one Bill O'Reilly loofa mug and 10 copies of a yet-to-be named Ann Coulter book for each plaintiff.

When asked to respond to the judge's ruling that swiftboaters get their information from a satirical website based on a word created by a comedian, Michelle Malkin began shooting ping-pong balls from her surgically-correct "dirty place".

###

The Greatest President Ever Ready If National Guard Unit Is Called Up


''Tensions rise as news that Russia invaded Georgia reaches The Greatest President Ever. Insiders plan for an unprecedented end to his Chinese vacation.''

BEIJING, CHINA, August 9, 2008-- Eager to add to his growing legacy of terrorist-fighting, The Greatest President Ever spoke to reporters during his August vacation: "'I successfully protected Eastern Texas from communist dominoes during Vietnam,' he shouted from inside his fighter pilot's mask, 'and I'm not going to allow communists to retake Atlanta!'"

Advisors, aides, consultants and confidants met in a secret compartment aboard Air Force One at the request of The Greatest President Ever to provide him with technical details and strategeries for dealing with another possible march through The Peach State.

The Greatest Vice President Ever and The Greatest Secretary of State Ever were both initially incommunicado, but after a few days of intense fighting and thousands of deaths, they were finally reached and their indispensable advice was given toward this quickly changing, urgent and unpredictable clash.

"I don't want him to go," a teary-eyed, yet glowing Laura told reporters, "I almost lost him in Vietnam and I can't bear to almost lose him again!"

His story is well-known and is compulsory history for every American school child: 5 years younger than others who were drafted, he volunteering for the most hazardous missions; earning his fighter pilot's license in half the required time; bravely staying at home to protect the skies over Alabama from the swarthy Viet Cong.

"We were so proud of him," Mother Bush recounted via satellite, "but considering his genetics, it was expected for him to excel the way he has."

Father Bush's heroism is another story familiar to True Americans, "I don't want this to be about me," he proclaimed, "my presidency was shaped by my experience in one plane crash. People have to know that John McCain crashed five!"

Gently sitting his elderly father back into his seat below the regular stadium, The Greatest President Ever stepped up to his microphone to recite his reasons for getting more troops involved in the Georgian conflict: "'No Northern flag will flutter in there--this--here this Georgia! I will vow, I vow to send them back with str...your fabulous defiances...and stamp the evil axis! No longer will America look away, look away from our soldiers stand at, who are shoulder to--standing on shoulders and our hearts are emboldered!  Georgia will suffer no wrongs inflicted and, or, or, insults.  Our faith, our pledges broken, not broken, our faith is not betrayed, or broken pledges, no broken pledges.  We'll betray our faith, no faith we'll have faith.  We will not look away from another attack on our Homeland! God Bless America!'"

As he spoke the Americans in attendence rose as one and waved miniature Dukes of Hazard t-shirts, which for reasons unknown, were sold at the Olympic stadium.

As he exited the swimming venue, The Greatest President Ever ripped his suit off to reveal his flight suit underneath. Laura tried to hold her composure, but it was clear to everyone that she was holding back tears as she watched her man was engulfed and held aloft by the sea of humanity.

Georgia, hang in there, help is on the way!

###

Governor Crist Reverses His Drilling Position
ST. PETERSBURG, FL, July 4, 2008 --- In an act many analysts are calling a "blatant appeal to the conservative base," Florida's Republican Governor Charlie Crist announced this weekend the reversal of his long-held policy of Bachelorism. In a press conference, Crist came out with the news that he would no longer maintain the lifestyle of a Bachelor Governor. Instead, he plans to actively defend the sanctity of marriage by getting one for himself.

Some have suggested that the timing of Crist's announcement coincides neatly with the "Veepstakes" to pick soon-to-be-President John McCain's running mate. Governor Crist has received frequent mention as a possible VP candidate, since he does own Florida, a state rich in both electoral votes and immediately-flowing, bountifully productive, already Chinese/Cuban controlled offshore oil wells. According to those close to the McCain campaigns, Crist's liberal views on Bachelorhood have raised some concern about him as a possible Vice Presidential candidate. Said one staffer, "Let's face it. McCain is old.  There's a better-than-average shot he's gonna keel before 2012.  And I'm just not sure now is the right time for 'the next James Buchanan,' you know?"

Perhaps more important that quashing rumors of Senator McCain's imminent death or of his own aberrant sexuality, Governor Crist's sudden engagement may indicate his willingness to "step up" his game in signaling his interest in the VP slot. After all, the Second Lady is an extremely important position in the American political system, and McCain will need time to personally vet each potential Second Lady. Cindy would be difficult to replace, to be sure. But God forbid it should ever come to that, all Americans have a stake in making sure Our President is not going to be stuck with another Barbara Bush, Bess Truman or Eleanor Roosevelt. The Second Lady decision can make or break a VP candidate's chances.

Fortunately for Crist, he seems to have pandered out quite well with his selection. Ms. Carole Rome, a New York divorcee with two daughters from her previous marriage, is attractive and well-to-do. The owner of a Halloween Costume company, Ms. Rome will likely prove a quick study in playing the part of a politician's wife. So far, she seems to be smiling and nodding nicely. Governor Crist, introducing his bride-to-be, gushed: "She's special in every way. ...I'm very happy and couldn't be more pleased. What a great way to celebrate America's birthday."

Over the last thirty years, Crist had gained a reputation as a politician with a solid pro-bachelor stance. This announcement, coupled with the Governor's sudden shift to anti-bachelorism, will likely be felt as a betrayal by many of his constituents and friends within the bachelor community.

Republicans To Introduce New Amendment To The Constitution
Responding to Wesley Clark's sacrilegious comments about American's presumptive Presidential nominee, Republicans bring out the big guns!

CRAWFORD, TEXAS, June 30, 2008-- It was all the buzz around the barbecue and beer cooler: another Democrat attacked The Office of the Presidency by suggesting a Republican wasn't qualified to hold it!

"'This is bigger than homo-marriage. Maybe bigger than protecting soldier-fetuses, and their right to arm themselves,' an unnamed member of McCain's coterie told the press. 'Americans must be able to elect a President based on the legend of his military service, and nothing should end that tradition!  That is why, we will be urging our elected officials to begin Amendment procedures to change the qualifications for President by amending the Constitution to reflect the American people's desire to have a President who was in a fighter plane that got shot down.  It's only right; it's only just.'"

Dozens of interns and pages contacted members of the press with communications from their Congressional bosses to voice their agreement with the proposal and their written vows to begin the tortuous Amendment procedure as soon as they all return to Washington.

As it so happens, Republican master of the think tanks, Frank Luntz, already had pre-prepared documents stating the text for the Amendment ready for Congress' submission when they come back, "I have a pile of these for whatever America needs to have amended," Luntz happily relayed to the press.

The new Amendment will read: "'The President must be a natural born citizen of the United States (or an Austrian-born resident of the United States for 14 years), be at least 35 years old, and he must have been the pilot of a fighter plane that was shot down.'"

The Supreme Court is expected to review and approve the amendment using previous unique rulings to guide this necessary change.

Naturally, the liberals are against the type of changes that help clarify important legal fogginess. When asked to appear on FOX News, several members of the democrat party claimed they were prevented from entering the building by an inebriated Rush Limbaugh, while the Congress-chicks claimed Bill O'Reilly chased them through the parking garage wearing only a loofa.

"These are just lies," Michele Malkin snorted to her audience, "they just hate the Constitution and don't want to improve it!"

When asked to respond to Wikiality.com's inquiries, Eleanor Holmes Norton (who was able to rebuff the alleged advances of the GOP studs) became angry and refused to respond until she gets a vote that counts.

###

Volunteers Needed For Republican National Committee
40,000 bodies are needed for the September convention

'''MINNEAPOLIS-ST. PAUL, MINNESOTA, June 27, 2008--''' Local Republican churches have exhausted their congregations in preparation of the twin Cities chance to shine!

Members have swept the streets and shined the trash cans and shaved the homeless so that when the world comes to visit for the Greatest Political Convention Ever! no one will think of the unemployment or price of gas and vote Republican without question.

Convention officials have placed cameras at all intersections in the Twin Cities area to assist in signing up to volunteer. Those interested in volunteering need only look directly into any of the Visual Volunteer/Surveillance Capture Devices, state your name and an official will be by shortly to take your information.

VOLUNTEERS NEEDED

The convention needs patriotic Americans to help insure that Minneapolis-St. Paul experiences a smooth transition from twin City to convention showcase!

Volunteers are needed for every aspect for the convention:
 * bathroom interns
 * altar boys
 * pole dancers
 * food tasters
 * rose bearers
 * evening escorts
 * pharmaceutical runners

If you are going to be in the area between September 1, 2008 and September 4, 2008, please do your duty to your country and volunteer for God's Party!

God Bless America!

###

Blackwater Awarded Human Rights Contract!
America's favorite military training corporation beat out an unknown number of other organizations to take over human rights activities on behalf of The Greatest Country Ever!

GENEVA, SWITZERLAND, June 6, 2008-- While democrats were celebrating the defeat of the she-witch in favor of their Favorite Secret Muslim, the rest of the world was concerned with more important issues, such as the future of human rights!

Following the leadership of The Greatest Secretary Of State Ever, America's leader in military training and supplementary personnel will now be the world's leader in human rights!

"'Blackwater has shown leadership in this area', The Greatest Deputy Secretary Of State Ever, John Negroponte, tried to tell the press under the din of liberal self-worship over their little primary election thing, 'and to award their previous work in the area of diplomacy, the State Department hereby presents Blackwater with an exclusive open-ended contract to oversee America's human rights activities!'"

Deputy Secretary Negroponte reassured Wikiality.com that America had not quit any international post with some recognized human rights organization, as had been erroneously leaked to the press earlier that day, saying, "The Bush Administration is committed to continuing the work we started in regards to human rights abuses."

An uncensored copy of the full contract was made available to reporters under strict confidentiality parameters:
 * reporters were chosen from a limited and select group with prior special security clearances
 * this security clearance included signing a contract which prevented them from discussing the contents of the document without prior approval from the State Department
 * the elite group of reporters were strip searched and taken to an undisclosed secure location for viewing of the document
 * reporters were only allowed to read the document in a secure room
 * reporters were not allowed to bring any communication or recording devices with them
 * reviewing of the document was limited to only two hours
 * no bathroom breaks were allowed during the viewing period
 * no copying or other reproductions of the document was allowed
 * reporters were strip searched before being allowed off the premises

Wikiality.com can only report that America will continue the relationship with human rights developed by The Greatest Administration Ever!

God Bless America!

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The Greatest President Ever Is Not Golfing Today
The Greatest President Ever is in Camp David today where there are no golf courses.

CAMP DAVID, VIRGINIA, May 26, 2008-- The Greatest President Ever today observes the Memorial Day holiday in a way no other president has before him: by sacrificing a great deal in solidarity with America's troops.

"'Every soldier would thank the president personally,' an unnamed White House staffer weeped realistically at a hastily-called press conference, 'but they've sacrificed for their country, just as he is. God Bless America!'"

Americans everywhere are asked to join The Greatest President Ever by sacrificing in any way they can: sending their children to Iraq (or Iran) or shopping or traveling without complaining.

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Christian Post-Rapture eBay Service Introduced
THE FOLLOWING IS A PAID ADVERTISEMENT

In preparation of the Rapture, another Christian service has been born--again!

CRAWFORD, TEXAS, May 26, 2008-- With the Rapture a few years away, businesses have been working hard to provide all the services Christians need after Jesus call them home!

Now, Rapture, Inc. has a new and easy way to make your transition to the afterlife: eBay-rapture! eBay-Rapture is a service that will sell all your worldly possessions to the heathens left behind and send the money to a special bank account so that you can buy things in Heaven. There is no better way to show God and Jesus and the entire Heavenly Host what a good Christian you are than with gifts! And with eBay-Rapture, you can even tip St. Peter at the gate!

eBay-Rapture is like any regular eBay account, except it's for Christians only and all the proceeds from all the sales go directly to the afterlife making it possible to finally be able to take everything with you!

Signing up is easy: the Christian Database already knows who you are and applications have been sent to all American churches that have pre-qualified. Once registered, photograph and inventory all your real estate, vehicles, and all your clothes. A 30% tithe/rapture fee based on the current comparable eBay value of all items will be charged for every item. No item will be refused and everything photographed will be sold.

Saved people only need apply! Get applications from your pastor. Rapture, Inc. is an equal opportunity employer, we hire Christians and Jews. The Jews will do all the money stuff after the Christians go to Heaven.

eBay-Rapture: You can finally take everything with you!™

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Satan's Favorite State Vows To Ruin Jenna Bush's Honeymoon!


The Second Greatest Presidential Daughter Ever's honeymoon was only three-drinks old, when news of California's Gay Marriage Amendment to America's Constitution threatened to sober up the festivities.

LOS LIMBAUGH COMPOUND DE NINOS, DOMINICAN REPUBLIC, May 15, 2008-- Newlyweds Mr. and Mrs. Henry Hager only plans were to enjoy a tropical paradise in marriage bliss, but those hopes were dashed as another gay marriage ruined the planned month-long celebration of God-blessed American heterosexuality.

Folks close to the couple say the bride was seen weeping uncontrollably at the hotel bar, while her husband wandered the beaches of this secluded resort wearing only black socks and a tie which poked out of his ill-buttoned suit jacket.

"'Why should I hear about gays, and sweaty sex, and civil rights, equality, and they're in my family or what do you suppose? Or, I mean, it's, it's not relevant,' Official White House Marriage Bed Escort, Barbara Bush briefed the press, 'So, why should I waste my beautiful mind on something like that? They're ruining my marriage...I mean htis marriage, obviously.'"

Rumours began cirulating that Mr. Hager's emotional state needed help lifting so the Secret Service was called in to cordon off the area from anything that might gay-up the proceedings. Hotel workers were tested for the gay and genuine Texas cowboys were shipped in to authenticate the buried pig barbecue.

At the time of this report, the couple are vigorously attempting to avoid any ill effects of California's gay Marriage Act with copious amounts of heterosexual beverages.

Wikiality.com will work hard to keep our readers informed of any new developments in this breaking story.

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Liberals Force Shaving On Students In Public Schools
Fox News uncovered another anti-abstinence program pushed by liberals for school-age children!

ANYTOWN, U.S.A., HEARTLAND OF AMERICA, May 03, 2008-- The list of abominations that liberals have forced on the Christian nation of America is endless.

Along with teaching children how to put condoms on and how to be gay, liberals are now offering classes on how to shave one's "Satan's Nest".

American leaders unanimously denounced the program as fundamentally anti-God:

"'Acknowledgment of 'Satan's Nest' is the gateway to other bodily sins, such as getting plastic surgery and God forbid dancing,' an unnamed (but not known) man of the cloth pontificated for the press, 'by giving these lessons to America's children students everywhere are asking questions about their own 'Satan's Nest' and teaching students has no place in public schools.'"

Parents are advised to follow the Action Points in Sunday's upcoming Church bulletin. "The liberal agenda being pushed down the children's throats will be met with the most sincere and severe Love possible until every last non-Christian idea is removed from history," the unnamed man of the cloth prayed as donors lined up to enhance the message.

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Syria Denies Doctoring Nuclear Facility


Questions regarding the authenticity of satellite images are considered.

WASHINGTON, D.C., April 29, 2008-- General David Petraeus lashed back at Syrian liars after someone said his satellite photos may have been doctored.

"'I am a patriot,' Petraeus told reporters from his mobile press conference van, 'those pictures look fine to me. I have seen quite a few photoshops in my day and none of the pixels look out of alignment.'"

Terrorists making jihad in the internets claimed to have found discrepancies in satellite photos released just this week proving that Syria is planning on nuking American now that Iraq has been freed from the Islamic chokehold.

Syria's Nuclear Minister released a blanket statement denying any wrongdoing, and blaming America to appease his oil overlords.

But Petraeus was not fooled, "It is ridiculous to think that an American would deliberately manipulate a photo for political gain. It is more likely the Syrians altered their buildings to make me look bad.  What other explanation could there be?"

Petraeus abruptly ended the conference to attend a meeting where he will receive another promotion.

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Thousands Of Children Arrested At Chinese Flag-making Factory!
Chinese officials are considering adding "flag-making" to the list of treasonous offenses.

BEIJING, CHINA, April 28, 2008-- Officials with China's Happy-Fun-Fun Factory Ministry are working overtime to end a new crime wave of manufacturing Tibet-related merchandise.

"We not gonna sit down for this! No, sir!  We gonna rook under evely lock and find arr people lesponsibre!" an unnamed spokesman told the foreign media.

Wikiality.com's Foreign News Bureau is reporting that an order was placed for several thousand "Free Tibet" flags from an unknown overseas broker. In addition to the children working in the factory, Chinese police have arrested the owner and manager of the factory as well as the woman who took the phone order.

Customs officials are going through all the shipping containers and have vowed to arrest anyone who has seen any of the treasonous flags.

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Philadelphia University Waits For Colbert To Leave Town Before Opening Evolution Exhibit!
The city of Philadelphia, first welcomed him, now they insult America's favorite newsman, Dr. Stephen T. Colbert with an abominable year-long exhibit touting The Myth of Evolution!





PHILADELPHIA, PENNSYLVANIA, April 17, 2008-- His arrival was a long time coming. Never had a town so desperately needed the economic and morale boost that only basic cable could bring.

New York may have The Pope, but Philadelphia got Stephen Colbert!

The city was abuzz and local luminaries clamored to be on the show. Everyone who had media connections visited the program:
 * the mayor
 * the state's governor
 * cheerleaders

But nothing could stop the elitist hoard of the University of Pennsylvania from ruining a week-long celebration of truthiness with a year-long celebration of Darwinism!

FOUNDED BY SODOMITES

Ever since its founding in 1751 by France's favorite whoremonger, the University of Pennsylvania, or "Penn" as it likes to be called, has encouraged only non-clergymen to read.

So, it should have come as no surprise to American-loving Americans everywhere that this sort of thing was going to happen.

It was only a matter of time before those educated non-clergymen would directly attack the clergy.

And that time has come.

Despite the monopoly of the liberal media, Wikiality.com has learned that not everyone is happy about this turn of events.

IT'S TRUE

Not everyone working for the university supports the liberal idea of learning.

ONE BRAVE SOUL

Wikiality.com has found one brave soul who dared to speak out against this latest liberal propaganda,


 * "Just as Philly is about to get a dose of balls and culture, wouldn't you know it, but the liberal factonistas are going to ruin it with all their "sex with monkeys" exhibits," an unnamed university official told Wikiality.com.

Asked what he intends to do for the year that his employer will be shoving their anti-Bible agenda down his abstinent throat, the intrepid Christian soldier informed Wikiality.com that he will be "keeping up with the creationist innovations", that are considered too "controversial" to be include in the precious science of the powers that be.


 * "Every scientist at the university believes in this evolution religion. But it's not what I was taught.  The Bible tells me that my grandmother is not a monkey, and I believe it!"

FAITH PREVAILS

The next year is going to be a long one for our dear independent friend. It seems the entire city is in on this scheme. It will be a raping of The baby Jesus on a Biblical scale.

Let's hope our friend can hang in there using his faith to surround him with a cocoon of righteousness so that he may emerge at the end of this a butterfly in service to Our Lord, Amen!

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Small-town Man Offended By Obama Depiction
Family man considers himself a typical small-town American, but does not consider himself bitter

DRAPER, UTAH, April 15, 2008-- He sits alone in his small room, separated from his family, but he is not bitter. He sees himself as a typical small-town American, and wants other Americans to know the truth about small-town people's alleged bitterness.

Wikiality.com agreed to provide this platform to "Warren" so that he could counter the secret muslim's claims about bitterness and religion-clinging.

SMALL TOWN LIFE
 * "I love small towns. I like knowing everyone in town, I feel like they are all a part of my family!"

If anyone knows small-town America, Warren knows small-town America. He was born and raised in a small town and livedd in small towns throughout America's south western states, roaming from Utah to Arizona to Texas to Nevada with his rather large family in tow.

FAMILY
 * "I would love to have hundreds of children and if I could, I would marry every single one of them--I love them that much!"

Despite the current separation from his family, It is from his family, where "Warren" finds his strength. He loves children and surrounds himself with the many, many women in his family.

Outsiders marvel at the interaction between Warren and his many, many children. Some people describe it as a form of worship--they love him that much.

FAITH
 * "My faith is everything to me. I believe with all my heart that my faith is the most important part of my life, shaping everything in my life."

Between his job at the laundromat and working out, Warren is still able to make time everyday to pray. Praying is the one time in Warren's day when he can reflect on his life.

As the day ended, Warren had to bring the interview to a close. He thanked Wikiality.com for the opportunity to tell his side of the story and walked back to his solitary world as a man from small-town America.

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Church Demands Web Tube Remove Documents
The Honorable Church of Scientology has had its rights violated by rogue internets elements!

FLOATING TAX SHELTER, SOMEWHERE IN THE ATLANTIC, April 14, 2008--

[The following news story has been removed by the lawyers for $cientology.]

Democrats Consider Stephen Colbert as Compromise Presidential Nominee
Party Insiders begin floating the idea of a "Colbert Compromise" for brokered convention

WASHINGTON, D.C., April 1, 2008-- Having come to the conclusion that they made a terrible mistake last November with the premature ouster of Stephen Colbert from the South Carolina Democratic party primary, some party insiders have begun floating the idea of Colbert as a potential "compromise candidate" should the race between Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton result in a brokered convention in August. According to one Democratic analyst, "Stephen Colbert is an incredibly popular figure," who could help unite an increasingly divided Democratic party. The analyst goes on to note, "If we hadn’t [kept] him off the ballot in South Carolina, he’d probably be winning this thing by now.”

You can rest assured that the news staff at Wikiality.com will be watching this story closely, and will keep you updated with Stephen's "dark horse campaign" support as it comes to light. We have never given up the fight for Dr. Colbert's Glorious Presidency (Best EVER!), and we're glad to see that the idiotic, America-hating Democrats are finally beginning to rouse from their Communist stupor to get this one right.

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Stephen Colbert To Release Music Video!
''America's Greatest Newsman Ever! has announced he will be recording his own version of the internets phenomenon-song, "Never Gonna Give You Up"!''

NEW YORK CITY, April 1, 2008-- The Greatest Living American, Stephen Colbert has promised his fans that he will be releasing his own version of the Rick Astley hit song, "Never Gonna Give You Up" in time for his own birthday.

"'I can think of no better song to sing,' the mega-balled wonder told Wikiality.com just this morning, 'and no better person to sing it to!'"

Billboard has already placed the song at Number 1, and Americans are encouraged to keep it there, or the terrorists win.

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Al Qaeda's Chief, Saddam Hussein, Paid For Lawmakers' Trip!
Documents unveiled today show that the leader of Al Qaeda and mastermind behind the September 11 attacks sponsored a secret trip to Iraq for liberal lawmakers!

THE GREEN ZONE, IRAQ, April 1, 2008-- Nefarious liberals have once again been ensnared in the totally, Constitutional, legal and not-privacy-intruding, all-American law, The Patriot Act!

Just as it had captured the marriage-hating terrorist, Eliot Spitzer, America's Greatest Justice Department Ever has used a little-known legal interpretation of The Greatest Law Ever to uncover what liberals are doing with their money!

"'If we had not been watching every bank transaction these liberals try to hide from innocent middle Americans, this shameful crime would have gone without the ever-watchful eye of America's media seeing every filthy, filthy thing they were doing,' Homeland Security boss, Michael Chertoff told reporters, 'and no one would have known how close liberals are to Saddam Hussein and Al Qaeda.'"

The names of the members of the liberal contingent who visited Iraq before America liberated them was not released this far ahead of the elections, but according to these secret documents, Wikiality.com discovered what Saddam Hussein paid for;
 * round trip air fare, for the congressperson, and a guest
 * 7 days, 6 nights deluxe hotel accommodations
 * liberator flowers and candy
 * an airport photo-op complete with:
 * armless Iraqi children
 * sniper fire

American lawmakers are insisting that Guantanamo Bay, Cuba be kept open until a full investigation can be conducted to determine how many sensitive National Secrets were given to America's enemies in exchange for the trip.

Wikiality.com will stay on top of this story and let our readers know if anything new transpires.

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