The Colbert Report/Episode/493

The Check-In

 * Dr. Colbert have not yet made his resolutions for the New Year
 * His Jewish Friend's resolution is to finally get rid of his gonorrhea
 * Stephen recommends a tincture of mercury

SEGMENT1

 * the kind of ovation The Mob gave him is the sort of thing that turns Stephen on


 * holiday retail sales have plummeted
 * 100's of Americans who've lost their jobs

A Man Named Bernie

 * took care of his friends' fortunes
 * his business was a "big lie"


 * Lego's are also lies


 * more than a lie
 * history's largest Ponzi Scheme
 * confused with Fonzie scheme


 * Ponzi schemes end in ponzcanoes
 * graphics people work very hard


 * Stephen & Melinda Gates Foundation
 * deeply invested with Madoff
 * now flat broke, just weeks away from finding a cause


 * NY Times economic reporter David Leonhardt
 * better to find out that gold is nothing rather than finding out that gold was a steaming pile of crap


 * regulation never helps


 * no one uncovered it, Bernie Madoff admitted it himself
 * we owe him a debt of gratitude


 * Bernie sent gifts out to his friends, family
 * to get rid of valuables


 * Hiding Gold
 * send me your gold!
 * 1-888-OOPS-JEWEL
 * endorsed by Dave Leonhardt of the New York Times!

Better Know A District

 * new congress
 * Rahm Emanual is not in Congress anymore


 * Nancy Pelosi wrote Stephen a personal letter
 * present the letter for one free frozen yogurt


 * 53rd installment


 * Utah 3rd

home to craggy weathered landmarks

Provo Provo freedom festival Brigam Young University

has the tabernacles to represent Utah's Third
 * Jason Chaffetz

youngest district average age is early 20's


 * most diverse district in Utah
 * Republicans and staunch Republicans
 * many Osmonds
 * pumping gas is not a metaphor for anything gay

pick someone big, jack 'em into next week
 * new congressman
 * tips:
 * you can't be made their biatch


 * opposes illegal immigration
 * open detention camps


 * dip Mexicans in florescent paint so we can see
 * fill Rio with acid
 * poison pinatas


 * "A" rating from NRA
 * Stephen introduces Sweetness to Jason


 * works out


 * challenges Stephen to leg wrestle
 * Stephen won

Interview
get rid of old ideas
 * Matt Miller
 * wake up every morning huff chlorox


 * book "The Tyranny of Dead Ideas: Letting Go of the Old Ways of Thinking to Unleash a New Prosperity"

List of Dead Ideas
 * 1) schools are a local matter
 * 2) your company should take care of you
 * 3) higher taxes hurt the economy and they're always too high


 * Federal government has money is a dead idea


 * Viacom is a wonderful company


 * Obama will grade Stephen's kids science tests and check Stephen's gallbladder


 * Stephen opened the book and found the pages were blank


 * he whines about new ideas he didn't think about


 * only government can save businesses
 * only businesses can help liberalism


 * admits he is a lefty


 * radical centrists
 * Take no prisoners pussy

Epilogue

 * Stephen was just finishing up a call on the OOPS JEWEL line when The Report returned from break
 * before saying good night, Dr. Colbert took the time to thank all the people who make the show possible:


 * he graciously welcomed himself then said good night to The Heroes

External Tubes

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