Mathematics

Mathematics has something to do with numbers and symbols, what exactly is never clear, because the people who study mathematics, Mathologists, are secretive and a little prissy.

History of Mathematics
Mathematics has a long illustrious past, starting with cavemen all the way up through just before the first atomic bomb. Terrorists were considered the first mathologists, which probably explains why they are so mad all the time, and why they hate Our Freedoms™.

There has been a great conflict between mathematics and religion throughout history. In the 1600s, Sir Issac Newton proposed a definitive proof that the Earth was flat, and that the sun revolved around Earth. When mathologists learned of his discovery, they promptly imprisoned Newton and demanded that he destroy his work. When Newton refused, apples were thrown on his head, which caused extensive brain injuries and later caused delusions that led to the now popular Myth of Gravity.

Terrorist Link in Mathematics
Because of the secrecy and confusion associated with mathematics, many Americans have suspected a link to evil-doing, and, naturally, we were right. Mathologists consistently communicate to each other with Arabic Numerals which cannot be understood by non-terrorists. Jesus used Roman Numerals but efforts to get Roman numerology taught in the public schools have been thwarted by liberals.

al-Jabr
Al-Jabr (pronounced: al-JA-JA-Gabor-abrr) was a terrorist born long before terrorists wrapped towels around their heads, in fact, some say al-Jabr was the first terrorist to wrap a towel around his head. As frightening as that sounds, al-Jabr was not finished with his torturous designs on mankind; he also invented algebra.

Al-Jabr invented algebra, algebra sucks, therefore: al-Jabr sucks--how's that for transitive property, huh al-Jabr?

al-Khwarizmi
Besides spelling his name wrong, and making it hard to convert to something easy for Americans to say, al-Khwarizimi (pronounced  al-Kwar-NAMBLI) may have been the first obsessive-compulsive. The intense attention to every single, freakin' detail no matter how small associated with obsessive-compulsives, allowed al-Khwarizimi to invent algorithms, which have something to do with ordered instructions for the performance of a task. It is believed that al-Khwarizimi used his "special ability" (as Mama Khwarizimi used to call him) to oversee more sleeper cells than any other terrorist before the invention of computers and cell phones. Al-Khwarizimi won "Neatest Cave" 14 years in a row, and was featured in Cave Digest 20 April, 799 C.E.. Mathematics were originally developed as a means of torture for unruly farm hands.

Rabbit Contributions to Mathematics
In 2006, the factonistas in charge of mathological properties and documentation, (all ideas abhorent to good Americans) decided to bring back a theory that had been abandoned by all but the most truthy mathologists.

Non-Hole Mathology
The theory, called, "Non-Holed Rabbitology", posited that rabbits had no holes. The abusrdity of that statement was so obvious to the Americans of earth before it became round, that it was rightfully allowed to slip into obscurity.

No one is completely sure where or when the theory started, but it was resurrected recently when the ICM awarded someone other than Dr. Colbert their "Mrs. Fields Medal", which was really just a cookie and a gay ribbon.

Hole Mathology
Pioneered by Dr. Colbert, Rabbit-Hole Mathology declares that rabbits do have holes, otherwise how could they reproduce? That truthyism should be, on it's own, enough to sway even them most militant Non-Holist. But the Non-holists ranks remain closed in a world, ironically, without a hole through which truthiness can enter.

Things Mathologists Made Up
Due to their secretive nature and obsessive-compulsion, Mathologists created a language all their own. It consists mostly of symbols, numbers and rules to govern those symbols and numbers. Used together the three components can really fuck up your head.

Made-up Symbols
X,Y,Z

Made-up Numbers
Pi never existed and if it did, Stephen Colbert would have found it, and it would be All-American apple pi.

e is not 2.71828...; it's the first letter of the word "elephant".

i, or $$\sqrt{-1}$$, is not a number; it even stands for imaginary unit.

Made-up Rules
If a=b and b=c then a=c If a --> b then ~b --> ~a a^2 + b^2 = c^2 Quadruplegic formula (see: Stemcellocracy)

Real Rules
1.

2.

3.

4.

5. pi + e = pie

6. $$\frac{56}{67} = 5/7$$ (divide out the 6's)

In mathology, any number can equal any other number!

Famous Mathologists

 * al-Jabr
 * al-Khwarizimi
 * that crazy guy from Opie's movie
 * that hot chick from Desperate Housewives and Lois and Clark - for reference, check out that one episode of Quantum Leap
 * that hot chick from Wonder Years
 * Data on Star Trek
 * That guy from Mepos on Perfect Strangers
 * Ramanujan
 * al-Turing

Mathology Awards
Mathologists give out an award called the "Mrs. Fields Medal", but they haven't given one to Stephen Colbert despite his tireless work in the field of donut topologies and rabbit reproduction calculus.

External Sources

 * International Congress of Mathematicians
 * Wikipedia's math nerd patrol