Ted Nugent



Good ol' Sweaty Teddy, Classic Rocker, Lyrical Genius, ENEMY OF BEARS EVERYWHERE! Why anyone would ever dare to assault Ted Nugent is a question which will be answered, by Nugent himself, if anyone could ever be so stupid as to try to ask him. Uncle Teddy, who received said name in honor from The Greatest President's twin daughters, has been leading a secret rebellion against Bears since Jumpstreet. Sure, people know that Ted is the best guitarist alive or dead. Sure, we know that he has done more to curb the use of drugs, Satanic lyrics, and addictive sex practices to trillions of rabid and uncivalized music fans the world over than anyone, but did you know Ted owns a gun? He packs the heat because he knows that Bears are out to subvert our youth and murder our women. God bless Ted Nugent, who's only real personal drawback is that he is known to practice restraint in the face of all those Camera wielding wanna be Japanese tourist papparazzi poop-heeled Commies. In 1983 Ted Nugent defeated karate star Chuck Norris in a bare knuckle fight in Hong Kong. If you come across uncle Ted, please convey to him the grateful thanks of a nation faced with Bear overpopulation.



Reasons why you may not like "The Nuge"

 * You hate America and refuse to stand against the rising tide of Bear uprisings.
 * You're a Communist.
 * You love Michael Moore so much, you'd sleep with him.
 * You are secretly gay and covet Ted's man sweat.
 * You condone the use of diplomacy against Godless Killing Machines.
 * You do not like tasty nougat candy bars, or our troops.

Contributions to American Culture

 * Wango Tango, a song which subliminally put a start to the Great Southern Bearkill.
 * Sweat! Where would we be without Ted's bodily excretions?
 * Wholesome values. Ted believes as we all do in no sex before marriage.
 * Rock and Roll. Little Richard claims to have started this movement, but everyone knows that it was nothing before Ted. Little Richard is stupid.
 * Removing countless Bears
 * Being part of the Bear Hunters of America
 * Founded the NRA with Jesus, and That Guy from Ben-Hur