Florida

What Florida is

 * Florida is hot. (But not the people, they are old, and worse yet: 8% Canadian)
 * Florida attracts hurricanes and old people.
 * Florida is in a constant state of repair.
 * Florida is the most phallic state in the union.
 * America's Big Giant Penis.

What Florida is not

 * Florida is not completely subsidized by the illegal trafficing of prescription drugs.
 * Florida is not home to the legendary "Rat Monster", which is not just a bunch of rats tied together by their tales to form a collective beast impervious at all possible angles of attack.
 * Florida is not inhabited by Black people.
 * Florida is not a swing state.
 * Florida is not representative of America.
 * Florida is not the home of the 2nd best team in the country, but then again, neither is Michigan.

Florida rescued the United States of America from the grips of the anti-liberty Clintonian machine. Seeing the voters read their ballots and fully understood them, they all voted for George W. Bush, no one voted for Al Gore. Bush won Florida with 100% of the vote.

Florida is choked full of Pat Buchanan loving Jewish grandmothers. Their hard work of campaigning for Bush and Buchanan secured this state's American loving Republican history.

Republicans in this state care so much for its constituents, they will never let them die. See Terri Schaivo.

The state proved its red state creds even during the horrible 2006 blue-tsunami, when it elected Charlie Crist who is single but also a Republican. Crist, who barely even knows retired Florida Rep. Mark Foley, will succeed Jeb Bush as Governor.

Discovery

 * A Spanish guy found it; finally a state in the South not found by the French.

History
Florida, known as “America’s Wang” until the late 1890s, is the chief world exporter of common sense and Cuban refugees. Bordered to the west by the Gulf of Mexico and to the east by the Atlantic Ocean, this state enjoys a warm and humid subtropical climate. It was named by Juan Ponce de León, who landed on the coast on April 2, 1513 attempting to score a hit of ecstasy and speed. The gross state product of Florida in 2005 was $596 billion dollars, or today’s equivalent of a week’s worth of gasoline. Florida’s state legislature denies the existence of global warming and insists increased hurricane activity is the direct result of a “vengeful and benevolent citrus god punishing us for straying from the teaching of the Tropicana Koran”. Scientists have already observed changes in Florida consistent with the early effects of global warming: retreating and eroding shorelines, dying coral reefs, Miami actually becoming a populated city, an upswing in forest fires, and warmer air and sea-surface temperatures. The Florida Supreme Court consists of a Chief Justice and six Justices, all of whom were the producers of the hit 2000 MTV reality show, “The Real World: Decision 2000”.

Florida Today
I went to Disney World down there. My cousin had cancer and they let us go to the front of all the lines.

Florida Landmarks

 * The Landmark Apartment complex, located conveniently on Hanley Rd. in Tampa, two miles south of the Wagon Wheel Flea market.
 * The state capitol is a large phallic symbol.

Famous Floridiots

 * Joe Scarborough

A Typical Day in Florida

 * Getting stuck behind old people in traffic.
 * Praying that hurricanes go somewhere else; hey it worked for Katrina.
 * Yelling at kids to get off your lawn.
 * Sitting blissfully in a lawn chair in front of your open garage or under your car port nursing beers with your neighbors and discussing Nascar.
 * Thinking positively about what big box store you'll visit next.
 * Knowing full well that there is at least one set of exposed boobies in that apartment complex you just drove past.
 * Driving past many, many apartment complexes.
 * Asserting your social dominance by either lending your hype man abilities or muscle to any situation.
 * Attempting to topple the large assortment of pressure washing businesses owned and operated by the union, yes, union of those reffered to as "Big Chief Pressure Wash", the single digit percentage "feather" Indians in your immediate area.
 * Fishing, talking about Fishing, thinking about Fishing.
 * Convincing people that the redness in your skin's pigment is not due to alcohol poisoning, high blood pressure, rosacea, or high cholesterol, but is in fact a product of partial Seminole Indian gene expression.
 * Standing around doing nothing, mainly due to the heat and exhaustion from smoking cigarettes.
 * Avoiding STD transaction through use of the State Health Authority's recommended pull out method.
 * Wearing ridiculous horizontally striped/collared shirts, the likes of which not seen since middle school, while publicizing your band who "don't sell out" to an audience who stay the same ripe age as you get progressively older.
 * Threesomes, because they always work out for the best for all parties involved, especially the children.
 * Remaining intelligently and politically relevant through your tireless efforts to get marijuana legalized in a forthright Republican State.
 * Setting a good example by hosting and attending lingerie parties that bolster the self esteem of all the ladies involved.
 * Responsibly documenting trips to the local Video Game Arcade by editing out images of all pre teen Asians present in the photo documents.
 * Piercing and Tattooing yourself ad nauseum, not out of boredom but because you are part of a special tribe of crack suburban counter cultural revolutionaries.
 * Drinking yourself laid in perpetuity, due to the fact that Women respond better to sex when unconcious.
 * Drinking yourself virgin in perpetuity due to the fact that Women respond better to sex when heterosexual or present.
 * Admonishing the local automotive towing service in great numbers because the 60's told you to.
 * Dreaming up "Business Deals" thought impossible before the advent of torture and subsequant development of lowered usury standards.
 * Stalking the Southern Belles.
 * Personal Gun Collection drives.
 * Doing massive amounts of drugs instead of going to college, even though it's free.
 * Maintaining relationships with those affected by early Puberty or Colon Cancer.
 * Striking at systemic ignorance and rampant stupidity through the use of whole words.
 * Semi Annual abortions complimented by weight gain and complacency.
 * Taking full advantage of the absence of The Death Tax.
 * Planting illegal Marijuana seeds on government property, because the government doesn't employ anyone to maintain those lands and keep it free of confused although thoroughly thoughtless political statements.
 * Starting a meth super lab in your bathroom because it's all about the Hamiltons baby.
 * Selling Crack! Because what sells better or easier than addictive and destructive drugs?
 * Getting the absolute most out of any Star Wars reference.
 * Attracting the lady folk with your access to drugs, silly garments and convoluted use of the english language
 * Rewarding physical and mental lethargy
 * Allowing standards to lapse solely based on Dolphin population statistics.
 * Engaging in nostalgic banter with offensive types
 * Believing in nothing at all.
 * Talking on the phone about Wrestling
 * Killing them before they grow
 * Not moving away
 * Being too much of a wuss to walk to Cuba and liberate it.