Cheating Death with Dr. Stephen T. Colbert, D.F.A.

America, if highly experimental, non-approved medication is what you want... get ready for... Cheating Death with Dr. Stephen T. Colbert D.F.A.

Cheating Death with Dr. Stephen T. Colbert D.F.A. is a health care segment of The Colbert Report which debuted on the May 7, 2007 edition of The Colbert Report. This segment is sponsored exclusively by Prescott Pharmaceuticals, a division of the Prescott Group.

WARNING: MISSING THIS SEGMENT COULD KILL YOU!

It doesn't matter though, because if you read this, you will die in seven days.

Topics Covered on March 6, 2008
Brought to you by Prescott Pharmaceuticals, Prescott Pharmaceuticals, you cannot spell The People versus Prescott Pharmaceuticals without Prescott Pharmaceuticals.

Surgery

 * hospitals are running short on surgeons
 * Prescott Pharmaceuticals Heal Thyself Home Surgery Kit™

Heart Health

 * Pfizer pulling Lipitor commercial featuring Robert Jarvik, who isn't a doctor
 * Stephen does not endorse Lipitor, he endorses Vaxator

Sleep Science
sleep while you work

Long haul trucking

operating bandsaw

running for president

Vaxasom mimics rufies

mildly addictive

Allow 8-12 hours for sleep and the next 8-12 weeks for rehab

Weight Control
memory assistance

bratworst splits

Vaxamax

pixie stick that tastes like meat

side effects:
 * vein seizures
 * aorta collapse
 * monkey lung

Male Breasts
Vaxamamm male breast reduction cream

side effects autonomous nipple

wanderin genitle syndrom

brain tooth

good for what ails you and what ails you

Gene Therapy
Gene Therapy has very good Death-cheating possiblities. Best case scenario: synthetically modified DNA will cure diseases and reverse the aging process. Worst case scenario: prehensile noses. Gene therapy can even cure erectile dysfunction in mice. If you cannot afford gene therapy, Dr. Colbert recommends Vaxachub - the only virility aid made entirely from powdered mice.

Blood Health
Great news: genetics can not only help improve the Blood Health of dogs, but it can also help people who aren't a dog! Dr. Colbert has always said that blood is one of the most important things you can have in your veins. Gene therapy can help make sure it clots well so there will be no need to donate blood anymore and we can say goodbye to pretentious blood donors. If you cannot afford gene therapy, try Vaxascab.

Nutrition
Kellogg's is raising the nutritional value of its food, which is the biggest shock to the cereal industry since Cap'n Crunch was demoted to Petty Officer Crunch for showing his "Crunch Berries." They will now market more food to adults, causing Apple Jacks to become Fiber Johns and Frosted Flakes to become Cholesterol Free Corn Shavings. They're...fine!

Try new Vaxa-Smacks instead.

Oral Hygiene
Don't brush your teeth! You never know what you're putting in there (like antifreeze). To ensure you're not ingesting antifreeze, brush your teeth with Vaxa-Dream.

Weight Loss
The FDA has approved an over-the-counter weight loss pill called Alli, the most promising innovation since "The Cake Guard." Unpleasant side-effects of this drug include loose, greasy, smelly and otherwise uncontrollable and foul smelling bowel movements. To avoid these side effects, take Vaxadril.

Exercise
Schools around America must replace Dance Dance Revolution with Awkward Showering in Front of Strangers Revolution.

See Also Vaxadrin

Diet
The Master Cleanse Detox diet is a sham. Dr. Colbert recommends The Pure Balogna Diet: Your Well Being Has A First Name!, by Thomas Boorshead, M.D. But if you really want to cleanse your body, Dr. Colbert recommends massive doses of Vaxadrine.

Hair Loss
Hair loss should not be dealt with. Baldness is given unto Man because God wants to look down at your scalp. However, if you must regrow hair, Dr. Colbert recommends oral or topical doses of Vaxadrine.

Skull Health
The skull is overrated, like wisdom teeth and the appendix bone, but if you are ever deskullified and intent on seeking medical attention, try Vaxadrine with Calcium.

WARNING: VAXADRINE IS HIGHLY ADDICTIVE

Dr. Colbert's Slogan
DISCLAIMER: Dr. Stephen T. Colbert D.F.A. is not a licensed medical doctor. He is a doctor of fine arts. If you take Dr. Colbert's advice, your body is in danger of becoming a masterpiece. You may even end up in a museum.