Ric Ocasek

Ric Ocasek is a personal friend of Stephen Colbert and a friend of The Colbert Report. He was the lead singer for the New Wave rock band The Cars back in the '70s and '80s, before liberals existed. The Cars most likely found their inspiration from the new wave group Stephen and the Colberts. Today, Ric Ocasek is a patriotic commando operative. His most recent whereabouts have been reported to be Las Vegas, but it seems probable that this is just a ruse to distract the terrorists from his true location, which is probably the San Francisco Zoo, where he is likely freeing Stephen Jr. from his cage with only one large hole in it through which he can fly.

Ric Ocasek Trivia

 * Ric Ocasek can melt your face with a guitar solo that puts those heavy-metal snobs from Europe to shame. Take that, Malmsteen!
 * The reason why Ric Ocasek is so unsexy is because he was patriotic enough to transfer his former good looks into Soledad O'Brien.
 * Ocasek is known for his animal magnetism and is called upon for his knowledge of magic by Stephen.
 * Ric Ocasek can store raw steak in the hollows of his cheeks. He can also store apples in the hollows of his cheeks, but he only eats steak. Raw steak.
 * The Cars actually fired Ric Ocasek because his almost godly aura was making them feel insecure in their own masculinity.
 * Ric Ocasek is a skilled marksman who can hit a moving target dead-on from 1000 feet away with a Luger and take down an armored tank with an AK-47 assault rifle, but he doesn't use those pussy weapons because they are not American.