The Colbert Report/Episode/497

The Check-In

 * Dr. Colbert has decided not to sleep now until next Tuesday so he doesn't miss any more of The Greatest Administration Ever
 * hibernating
 * Stewart will empty his droppings every Monday, which isn't any different than what happens currently

SEGMENT1

 * Dr. Colbert is finally feeling good about the Obama Administration
 * Geithner so committed to not raising taxes, he
 * Stephen won't pay taxes at IHOP


 * emotional end, nearing the end of the Bush Presidency


 * Inaugural Advent Calendar
 * Percocet and Vicodin together taste like Oxycontin and a root beer float

Cold War Update

 * Wall Street Journal showed comparison photos of Bush at beginning and end of his
 * presidency ages people
 * Obama has to worry about aging and the economy
 * Stephen's daughter no longer asks for a pony, instead she asks for a bottle of glue


 * Enemy #1 still Russia
 * shut off fuel pipeline to most of Europe


 * we must recreate the Berlin Airdrop but with propane tanks


 * Cuba
 * they believe the cold war is still going on
 * no new TVs since 1958


 * Dr. Colbert described the convoluted web between Cuba, JFK and the New York Times


 * Dr. Colbert recommends Gitmo for the site of their


 * Russia, again
 * if cold war is over, why does Stephen have three rolls of microfiche (not the tiny fish) in his rectum
 * expanding ties to China with a Sino-Soviet hotline


 * someone slipped the secret number to Dr. Colbert for "China Palace"
 * he called and the sneaky Chinaman who answered saw right through Stephen's ruse

SEGMENT3

 * British are hit by a bad economy


 * guards at Buckingham Palace are getting second jobs as boom mikes


 * eating squirrels


 * non-native gray squirrels
 * American squirrels


 * thought we lived in a post-racial world, where squirrels are judges not by the color of their fur, but by the contents of their nutsacks


 * webtube gives advice on how best to humanely kill them


 * Dr. Colbert describes how the gray squirrel is like America


 * there is a squirrel reassembled from shotgun-liberated parts in The C-Desk


 * eat animals they hold deer
 * Stephen suggests eat Sheepdogs


 * Limey Squirrel Eaters are now On Notice (the open slot above Grizzly Bears)

Interview

 * Niall Ferguson
 * wrote a book on the financial history of the world
 * what can Stephen learn from him that he can't learn from a guy with a question mark suit


 * book: "The Ascent of Money:A Financial History of the World"


 * what is money
 * all Stephen


 * don't eat it, don't try to have sex with it either


 * money is
 * means of exchange
 * unit of account
 * relationship between creditor and debtor


 * if no one will lend money, it doesn't exist


 * invisible
 * hard to tell when someone steals it


 * credit comes from the latin " " which means "trust"


 * the Brits call ATM Machines "hole in the walls"


 * money doesn't represent gold


 * Jesus said money is the root of all evil
 * the love of money


 * cannot serve both God and money


 * love money a little less
 * religious revivals always follows financial crisis


 * it says "In God We Trust"


 * money depreciates in value
 * 13% what it was worth in the 1950's


 * can anything be money
 * Stephen can be money


 * Stephen has street cred with the kids because he did hard time


 * why is the show on PBS?
 * they don't know anything about money

Epilogue

 * Dr. Colbert closes by reminding The Heroes that that is all the time he has for this show, because it's the same amount of time every night for every show (yesterday's, tomorrow's, etc)
 * then he wished everyone a good night

External Tubes

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