Global Warming/Featured

Global Warming, like The Internets, is a complex consumer confidence scam put forth onto the American public by the Al Gore and the Weather Channel. Al Gore claims that we will all die tomorrow if we do not give him lots of money to invest into so-called "green" technologies. This is really an attack on Stephen Colbert because he knows the real threat Bears pose to us &mdash; the bear uprising of 2012. Colbert knows the truth and Mr. Gore wants to silence this.

Origin of The Myth
The global warming "theory" was created by a cabal of liberal secular scientists, who held a series of secret meetings with Al Qaeda to draw up the Ultimate Plan to Destroy American Civilization.

With the help of nefarious forces such as bears, this Satanic coalition created a gigantic unholy edifice, the Scientific Establishment, whose aim was to discredit capitalism and facilitate a New World Order of Islamo-Communism &mdash; all by spreading the cruel lie of global warming. This Scientific Establishment then proceeded to create an oppressive hierarchy of inquisitors called the "IPCC", whose function was to spread the Word of Satan and burn disbelievers at the stake.

The Movie that Isn't a Movie
This unchristian movement reached its peak when Al Gore created his anti-American "movie", An Inconvenient Truth. While this "movie" was in fact truth nothing more than a long Apple Macintosh Keynote PowerPoint presentation, it did succeed in scaring lots of little children into believing that they may die the next day. The "movie" also brainwashed a lot of well-intentioned Americans into thinking that global warming is very real, that it is caused by carbon emissions from God-loving, capitalism-loving companies, and that Al Gore is a good man who will save everyone. The godless sodomites of Babylon ignored the heavy snowfall in the east and gave An Inconvenient Truth a miniature golden idol for the tree-huggers of America to kneel down to. The "movie" even successfully conned many Christians into giving away all their money and worldly possessions to "help" the poor people "affected" by global warming.

In 2007, the evil "IPCC" and Gore jointly received a Nobel Prize &mdash; an award which has absolutely no credibility except when it is awarded to patriotic citizens such as James Watson.

Meanwhile...
Fortunately the forces of righteousness, led by Philip Morris and ExxonMobil, have not been slacking. With their powers of godly science, they successfully found the Plain Truth about global warming, and also uncovered Gore's diabolical plan to create a Dictatorial World Government by selling carbon credits.

Whether and Who
Indeed, even before Al Gore made his treasonous "movie", the righteous forces had conducted a series of rigorous scientific experiments on global warming, and found that global warming does not actually exist. What is more, they also found that global warming does exist, and the main cause is not carbon emissions from American companies; more precisely, they found that the main cause of global warming is
 * the sun;
 * the cows;
 * China and India;
 * terrorists and Saddam Hussein;
 * Al Gore;
 * liberalism; and
 * tree-huggers.

In summary, each and every one of the above has been found to be the true culprit responsible for global warming which does not exist. (This may seem contradictory to a factonista, but recall that the Lord God works in mysterious ways.)

Furthermore, in December 2006, the planet started to grow cold, and this resulted in snow forcing many airports, notably Denver's, to close. The very existence of winter shows that not only is global warming not occurring, but that an ice age has settled in.

Global Warming is Good!
What is more, the forces of righteousness found that global warming &mdash; which does not exist &mdash; is actually an extremely good thing:
 * Burning of fossil fuels creates massive amounts of carbon dioxide, and plants love carbon dioxide.
 * Fewer polar bears at the North Pole means more land for Americans to live and work and play golf in.
 * Rising temperatures mean more warm places to vacation in, and more tanning days.
 * A melting icecap and the resulting rise in sea level lifts all boats.

This may contradict the thesis that global warming is caused by liberalism, and liberalism is bad. However, it can quickly be seen that global warming is only beneficial when caused by patriotic Americans; global warming caused by liberals, on the other hand, is always harmful.

The First Epic Battle
Anyway, with the release of Gore's "movie", the forces of righteousness had to act fast. And they did &mdash; Praise the Lord! Using the arcane skills of the truthitician-necromancer, they amassed a mighty army of 400 scientists to wage war against Gore and the "IPCC". Alas, the 400 scientists were defeated by a couple of hippie liberals.

The Second Epic Battle
In the first epic battle, the righteous side learnt that necromancy was not a very good technique, and in any case it was not particularly Christian. Therefore, for the second Global Warming Battle, they instead gathered a legion of 100 men, who were anointed personally by God as climate scientists. This turned out to be another victory for the forces of evil.

The Third Epic Battle
Truly, the climatology credentials granted by God were powerful, but still not enough to overcome the credentials of Satan's legions. For the third battle, the righteous side sent out a legion of 4 climate scientists &mdash; Douglass, Pearson, Singer, and Christy. Unfortunately, the brave scientists were burnt at the stake for various scientific technicalities which none of us should need to know about.

And the War Continues
While the forces of justice are currently at a disadvantage, we all know that with God's help, the tides will turn, and the great ExxonMobil will emerge victorious. God Bless America!

The Science of Global Warming
Global warming is a subject of science, and as such it involves complex-looking figures and equations such as

$$\mathrm{E}[\bar X] = \mu$$

and big words such as "troposphere", "stratosphere", and "anthropogenic". Therefore, the best way to understand the research done on global warming is to read about the work of scientists filtered through
 * the brains of politicians such as Gore and Inhofe; followed by
 * the brains of industry journalists such as TechCentralStation; followed by
 * the brains of, well, newspaper journalists; and finally
 * your gut.

Indeed, after this rigorous scientific process, you will realize that the so-called global warming "theory" can easily be refuted with a simple theorem.

Theorem: God is Still Up There
This theorem, due to Senator Inhofe, uses sound principles of Aristotlean logic to refute global warming.

The proof requires the following lemma:


 * Lemma 1.1: God exists.

This lemma is proven as follows:


 * Premise: God is great.
 * Premise: If God does not exist, then He is not great.
 * Conclusion: Therefore, God exists.

With this lemma in place, we can now lay out Inhofe's theorem:


 * Premise: God is great.
 * Lemma 1.1: God exists.
 * Premise: If God allows global warming to destroy the earth, then He is not great.
 * Conclusion: Therefore, God will not allow global warming to destroy the earth.
 * Conclusion: Therefore, we need do nothing about global warming.
 * Conclusion: Therefore, global warming is a myth.