The Positive Effect of Stephen Colbert's Voice on Ficuses

The Positive Effect of Stephen Colbert's Voice on Ficuses is a research paper documenting Dr. Stephen Colbert's studies of vocal influence on the common household plant.

In the series of many thousands of double-blind experiments, Dr. Colbert conclusively proved that ficus americana are sentient because they grow better when he talks to them. Through extrapolation, Dr. Colbert posits that an ear of corn therefore needs must have a better chance of forming a coherent thought than a shrimp does.

Bioethicist Dr. Peter Singer has demanded that Dr. Colbert publish his documented findings in a peer-reviewed scientific journal. But the paper has already been published in the one place where it matters most: Stephen's gut.