Taxachusetts/Featured

History
The first pilgrims landed in Taxachusetts in 1620. They were not fabulous, they were not "workin' it" they were just hard working Americans seeking religious freedom and freedom from taxes. And they worked hard to make their new home as gay-free as it was tax-free.

The Colonial Era
Taxachusans invented the "bitch-in" which was the precursor to talk radio. The "bitch-in" was started when Reverend Harry Goodechilde, the first town crier of Boston, began to include gossip and advertisements in his daily stroll through town. Many citizens complained to the mayor about the good Reverend's antics: he made alot of the stuff up, used people's real names, and his ads were for his own products, "Cedar Toys for Adultes" and "God's Natural Assistance for Manliness". A town meeting was held, and in response, the goode people of Boston hanged 15 people for witchcraft and restricted Reverend Goodechilde's gossip and advertisements to a wagon down by the river.

Reverend Goodechilde was able to use the wagon down by the river as a way to create his own personal news "outlet" that proved to be more popular than the official news agency of the town: the town crier. The man who replaced Reverend Goodechilde as town crier, Captain Johnathon Quierry, tried desperately to be heard over the information eminating from "Reverend Goodechilde's Information Emporium" as it was soon called by all Bostonions except Captain Quierry, who dubbed them, "bitch-ins". The name stuck and bitches from around the colonies and from across the Atlantic came to bitch or be bitched at much to Captain Quierry's chagrin.

Lizzie Borden
...took an axe, gave her mother forty whacks¹. When she saw what she had done, She gave her father forty-one.

¹ 'whacks' does not refer to masturbation

Fast-forward to America's Socialist Era
New England has always been a problem for America and Taxachusetts was no exception. The Taxachusans turned taxing hard working Americans into an art form--a gay art form. During the "Hate America" Era (1890's-1920's), many Taxachusans went on strike. This was long before the "Let's Have A Gay Parade" Era (1955-1968), so really, this was the only reason they could come up with to go around in public dressing the way they do--you know how they do.

In addition to "bitch-ins", Taxachusans invented "strikes", which is the way liberals avoid hard work. A strike is when employees don't work, defiantly disobeying their rightful employers and moral superiors. When liberals go on strike, they call themselves, "protesters" or "picketers" (even they are ashamed to be associated with the word "strikers"). What they do is stand outside their employers' place of business walking around with signs filled with lies, and they scream more lies at people who pass by. They also try to stop hard working Americans from going inside to do the work they were too pussified to do. This is just bad for America and Ronald Reagan was the first American to put an end to that artifact from Taxachusett's shameful past.

Witches
Witches were put on trial in Salem Village in the 1600s and were executed by the state for their Liberalism. This is contary to the state's present policy which allows witches to marry and raise families in defiance of God and his humble servant Dr. Colbert.

21st Century
Finally, proof that Taxachusans cannot do anything without a socialst government bureaucracy: they cannot even dig a hole without paperwork and lawyers. And because there are no holes to throw their gay sinners into, they now populate the state. Taxachusetts has since become a haven for evils such as equal rights and scientific advancement. Pansies.

List of Famous Gay Staters

 * John Kerry and Ted Kennedy - with these two as Senators, do you think this state really stands a chance?
 * Ben Affleck - "actor", certified butt pirate
 * Steve Carell - former Daily Show correspondent, sweaty, 40-year-old "actor"-turned-virgin
 * Rob Corddry - former Daily Show correspondent, bald stoner
 * Nate Corddry - former Daily Show correspondent turned "actor", nepotism benefactor
 * Eliza Duskhu - someone who should start a romantic relationship with The Rock so that the world will have "Dush-kock"
 * Norman Rockwell - painter of the most acurate representation of true Americans, should start a relationship with a girl whose name starts with a "C"
 * Nancy Walls - former Daily Show correspondent-turned Carell wife, generous