Bears

For years, ravenous bears have had free reign to use our woods as their personal latrine, protected by their "endangered" status. Now the government is wisely considering ending grizzlies’ special treatment to protect our honey jars and Paddington Station.

It is believed that long ago all bear-kind were united in promoting the advancement of honey loving. By swatting acrobatic fish out of the air and, by the location of their defecation alone, it seemed that they were just solving straightforward problems. However, bear-kind turned against man when we tried to offer them freedom: freedom to dance, fight for money and be kept in small cages. It was then that bear-kind fractured: the grizzlies (the militant wing of beardom), spectacled (elitists), and black bears (or just "bears," as Stephen calls them) became godless killing machines bent on wiping out mankind, and the polar bears became agnostic killing machines (who might be godless, but they're not quite sure), in favor of wiping out mankind but setting as their first priority the devouring of human children. (Polar bears have been known to threaten Canadians but who hasn't been?) Ever since, America has stood fast and alone against the tyranny of beariness. Bears are just scary and they reek of anti-Americanism. Bears are just scary.

Stephen's Words

 * "Last night, we did the Threatdown — God, it’s hard to even talk about this — and for the first time, I didn’t mention bears. It’s winter, they’re asleep, I didn’t think it would be a problem. But today I see this in the Toronto Globe and Mail — apparently a 700-pound polar bear showed up at a children’s hockey game. I’ve said this before, they’re after our kids — they’re tender, juicy, you don’t even have to throw away the bones." 
 * &mdash;Stephen Colbert, on his show, The Colbert Report


 * "'Dear Stephen, why aren’t you nicer to bears? I like them a lot! They make me laugh my head off. Love, Joshua.' Like a lot of kids, Joshua has been misled about bears. They won’t make you laugh your head off, they'll tear your head off."
 * &mdash;Stephen Colbert, reading a fan letter on his show, The Colbert Report

Worldwide Crisis
Bears appear all over the globe, their major headquarters are located in the Middle East and Canada. When not "hibernating," or recharging for the next attack, they are out on the loose, threatening men, women, and children of all ages. Many nonrenewable resources such as berries and salmon are being devoured by the greedy grizzlies. Luckily, with the help of Colbert Nation, this threat can be put to an end through the use of bear spray, bear traps, and our own bare hands. (No Pun Intended

Countries and Cities around the world are gripped with and equally pressing problem of Koala Bears, with the death toll mounting to spectacular levels in the past several years

The dreaded Colbear has been seen slowly moving from Antarctica, where many bears have taken refuge under the Colbear's mighty unamerican claws, to South Dakota, where it can only be assumed that he (Colbear) wishes to have his final battle with his crafty nemesis, Stephen Colbert, atop the scalps of the greatest presidents in history.

The Bear Flag Revolt
The Bear Flag Revolt was an incident during the American War for Liberating Mexico (from themselves) when bears rampaged through California, participating in flag burning, eating babies, and baring their teeth menacingly at decent Americans. Stephen Colbert was instrumental in the halting of this insurrection, but alas, California remains hopelessly damaged to this day.

with Pro-muscovite faction of the 'Eastern Yakutskean Independent Front of Liberation for Tchotchki-ism and the Motherland'
Also known as the EYIFLTM, Bears have led the way in advocating muscovite leadership in Yakutskean independence from their Russian overlords. They also support eating babies. And tchotchkis.

with the ACLU
The ACLU thinks these abominations are people. President Bush has been working closely with Stephen Colbert to torture the ACLU leading officials.

with the NAACP
According to a Colbert interview with NAACP Chairman Julian Bond the NAACP is "pro-bear." Since the interview The NAACP has refused any further questioning about their pro-bear stance.

Colbert is reported to have a bearracial man-bear cub named Teddy.

with Disney
The Disney corporation thinks that bears, in general, are not masculine enough for its viewers. Which is why the new Winnie the Pooh animated series, to be starting on the Disney Channel this Fall 2006 will not star Christopher Robin, but a voluptuous female lead instead. Also, in an effort to spice up the Bear Country Jamboree, they will be serving beer and will now be joined by the burlesque show at the Golden Horseshoe.

with PETA
The organization known as PETA promotes the disarming of hunters and would leave us defenseless from the attacks of godless bears.

Bear Trivia

 * It is a known fact that bears are hunny junkies (or hunkies), meaning that they are directly corelated to the spread of diabetes and obesity in our great nation. SHAME!


 * They shit in the woods, and wipe their ass with their own paws.


 * They are Godless killing machines.


 * How many bears does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, because they hate light, and all other good and holy things.


 * Roosevelt is also responsible for the teddy bear. The toys were named in honor of Roosevelt when, during a hunt, he refused to shoot an old female bear tied to a tree. After that act of appeasement, this bear went on to shoot Archduke Ferdinand, thus igniting World War I.


 * When you’re hiking, you should pin a bell to your clothes. It jingles, and that noise makes the bears think it’s Christmas, which they hate, because when they're not waging war on mankind, they're waging a War On Christmas.


 * If confronted by a bear, never turn your back on one. Such a gesture may be seen as permission to mate.


 * In the year of 2006, a grizzly and polar bear mated. This is just the first step in their plan to create the ultimate killing machine known as a pizzly bear.


 * Also, in 2006, a bear consumed a monkey. This is just another step in their move through the evolutionary chain. IF evolution existed, which it does not.


 * Bears love honey and picanic baskets.


 * Star eating alien bears reside on a planet named Bearpiter, the home base of the Bearpiter Interstellar Alliance. They attempted to conquer Earth, but were foiled in their godless plot.  See the Bearpiter page for more details.


 * Bears tend to attend their own walk of fame ceremonies in nothing but a red T-shirt! That's just despicable. Think of the children! Better yet, hide the children and lock the doors, because i'm not gonna look at a bears schlong!


 * Bears are allied with the Democratic Party, along with the Asses.


 * Bears are the majority shareholders in The New York Times stock.


 * Osama bin Laden is actually a bear taking human form.


 * Bears use Tabasco sauce for eye drops.


 * Bears superficially watch CBS in droves to create a dishonest market sample of viewership so CBS can propagate more terrible shows.


 * Some people mistakenly think "bear spray" is a bear repellent, so they spray it on their kids. The bears like this because it makes the kids taste a little spicy. When buying bear spray, only buy the ones specifically marked with the approval of Stephen Colbert on it.


 * Stephen Colbert will never propogate the bear agenda. Congressman hopeful Bryan Coffey who has a complete pro-bear agenda lost the election due to Stephen's heroic opposition.


 * The only time a bear has ever successfully mated with a human was in the winter of 1983 in the wilds of Michigan, resulting in a hideous and unholy man/bear fusion known only as "Jeremy".


 * 17.5% of half of the world's bears, or approximately 21,204, exhibit homosexual tendecies by the age of 5. This indicates whether or not they are direct decendants of Satan or just distant cousins.


 * Women should be especially careful when in the woods because "The bears can smell the menstruation, and the masturbation."


 * Bears are known to appear at parks, causing parents to keep their children indoors. Bears are now waging war against Christmas AND swing sets.


 * Bears drink Coca-Cola, a major softdrink conglomerate. Coca-Cola has contained cocaine. Bears are allied with Colombian drug lords. To hide this fact, they tell everyone they are drinking Pepsi, but we know better, don't we?


 * Bears are allied with Megatron. Megatron is the eternal enemy of the Autobots and arch-enemy of Optimus Prime.


 * Bears bite, they really really bite. Not just a nibble, but a huge bite. Did i fail to mention they bite?


 * Bears like honey, and will stop at nothing to get honey. What animals makes honey? That's right, bees! Who likes bees, they sting like the dickens. Bears have a mutual alliance with bees.


 * The bear and African elephant population has tripled in the past six months. This leads for some to believe that bears and African elephants are working together to increase their population, but further investigation is needed before we can reach a full conclusion.


 * The bears own 50% of Chicago. That's why Chicago has not just one, but two bear-related teams: their baseball team, the Chicago Cubs; and their football team, the Chicago Bears.


 * Bears have a secret military institution hidden underneath Chicago; we have not yet found a way to penetrate it.


 * Bear City is the capital of all of beardom. It's locaiton is unknown, but we suspect that it is being hidden with some sort of cloaking device.


 * It has been reported that bears have been kidnapping our children and brainwashing them so they can send them back to civilization as sleeper cells for the bear army.


 * Bears are Optimus Prime's toilet paper.


 * Bears can be permanently removed from the earth with a spray of Stephen Colbert’s Formula 401

Who is Driving?
Oh my God, bear is driving! How can that be?

Do Your Part
Stop The Bears Petition

External Sources

 * Proof that bears are working with the homosexuals
 * Gays + bears + art = mathematical certainty
 * Bear den
 * Bear guy
 * Proof of an International homo-bear conspiracy - a German gay bar with a bear mascot
 * How to Defend Yourself against Bear Attacks