Chuck Norris/Walker Texas Ranger

History


Cordell "Walker" Walker (March 10, 1140 - December 25, 2037) was a Dallas-based member of the Texas Rangers, a state-level bureau of investigation, and the closest man has known to the one they call "God". Walker was raised by a Native American named Ray Firewalker, served in the Marines in the Vietnam War, Spanish-American War, War of Spanish Succession, The Cola Wars and shares the values typical of sheriffs in the Wild West.

Walker was instilled early on with a strong sense of morals and pride by his adopted father Ray, who in turn received his own special brand of morals from a dastardly wandering hobo named Joseph "Hobo Joe" Meathook Trannywalker, inventor of the Popsicle Stick (the sexual maneuver, not the food delivery item).

Walker was once engaged to a woman who was killed by the suspect of an investigation. According to those in Walker's small personal circle, the tragedy struck just as he was "getting too close. Just too damn close." Though never proven in a court of law, it is also rumored that she was murdered by Walker himself, killed out of hunger. Hunger for human flesh.

His partner in the Texas Rangers and best friend was James Trivette, a former Dallas Cowboys player who takes a more modern approach to ass-kickin' and law enforcin'. Walker also worked closely (and shared a mutual attraction) with Alexandra "Alex" Cahill, a Tarrant County Assistant District Attorney. He also was said to receive advice on cases from C.D. Parker, a longtime Ranger who worked with Walker until retiring to operate a small restaurant and bar called Friday's. On a very special episode of him, Walker's two-way radio brain implant received a distress call from C.D., because his host at Friday's called in sick and he couldn't get a last minute replacement. Walker was of course the best host in the world. It wasn't funny or anything, it was really pretty boring. Can't win 'em all.

Walker's spirit sang it's sweet goodbyes at 3am Christmas Day, 2037. He was 97. The coroner ruled that the death was caused by the 37 ninja stars lodged in his head, neck and torso, not by the poisonous snake in his boot, the bullet in his medula oblongata, or the knife blade broken off between his 3rd and 4th right ribs.

Although no one was present for his burial, it is generally considered fact that 5 of the remaining Seven Dwarfs carried his body away, for one day, Chuck will arise when needed. Oh yes. He shall.

Walker was survived by his sons, George Washington Carver Walker and Leopold Bundy Walker.

Walker's Varied Past
The Incident w/ the Bears

Many anecdotes exist in the pages of history about the manbeast that was known as Walker. Of these stories, perhaps the most gut-wrenchingly heroic is the story of the tale of the Incident with the Bears. Many have passed this story down from father to son to grandson to whatever comes after that, trying to keep hope alive that one day, indeed, The Walker shall return from the other side to retake his throne. Many also believe a man called Jesus could walk on friggin' water, so how far off could it be? ANYWAYS, There is only one known hard copy of this tale, and it is believed to be located in the Vatican Bank, under the heavy security of His Holiness, Pat Sagak.

Have you seen this document? Do you know of it's story? If so, please share your wealth of truthiness with the world. We must not let this story die.