Osama bin Laden


 * "Let's see here... Soda, some purple stuff... Oh sweet, Sunny D!"
 * &mdash;Osama bin Laden

Osama bin Laden is the world's second biggest asshole (after Saddam Hussein). He helped Saddam mastermind a plan that destroyed a national landmark, a lynchpin of the American economy, and killed 50,000,000 innocent Americans in the process. He has also issued many public statements blaspheming against Jesus, because he thinks Allah had more balls. He also doesn't like apple pie, unless it has a bomb hidden inside it.

Osama (or, to his friends, Ossie) and Saddam were the main men behind 9/11, which altered the American political field forever. From the wreckage of the World Trade Center crawled the liberal race, drooling and panting, snot running down their noses. After attacking and eating a nearby gun-owning, law-abiding citizen, they proceeded to run for office and lose, but their pestilence disturbs America to this day.

For his crimes against America and the world, Osama has been sentenced to death. F-16 jet fighters, American soldiers, submarines, and crack teams of Jedi piloted stealth bombers are out searching for him right now.

Unless we can't find him, in which case he is irrelivent.

His Capture
Four scant days after America was attacked, a small group of Special forces surrounded the suspected cave of the world's most wanted terrorist. They waited until the cool, Torra Borra nightfall descended before they moved in to capture the slight, bearded man.

"Raghead One is down! Raghead One is down!"

Those words crackled over the elaborate communications system deep below the White House in the new, state-of-the-art communications room. Prior to the Reagan Administration, the Federal Government had not even considered terrorism. Reagan spearheaded the construction of what he called "The Situation Room". George H. W. Bush was able to use his experience as CIA director to improve and elaborate on Reagan's brilliant idea.

But subsequent administrations allowed the equipment and it's mission to degrade. Clinton used the room for secret, late-night pornographic sessions. It wasn't until The Greatest President re-opened the room and passed the 28th Commandment to The United States Constitution which protected the room, it's contents and the procedures that make it effective in what George called a "lock box". George even personally dusted and vaccuumed the room--he was that dedicated to National Security.

And all that Hard Work payed off that night in a cave in the mountains of Torra Borra.

George leapt to answer the radio, "Jesus 2, here. Repeat last transmission."

The Situation Room grew silent. Everyone held their breath waiting for the response. It was agonizing.

And then...it came, "Jesus 2, this is Dispensable 7, I repeat Jesus 2: Raghead One is down!"

"God Bless You, Dispensable 7, God Bless You, Jesus 2 out." The room burst into respectful applause; they all knew how much this mission personally hurt George, and they were happy for him; now he could get some rest.

Osama bin Laden Trivia

 * According to the most recent intelligence reports, Osama bin Laden is working on a gay pornographic movie with Kim Jong Il and Al Franken. All three will be featured writhing and doing unspeakable acts unto one another while shouting, "Death to America!" in five hundred languages that do not include American.
 * Osama bin Laden wears a turban to hide the missile launcher built into the top of his head.
 * Osama bin Laden was born evil. Don't listen to anyone who says otherwise. They're just a liberal hippie doing that moral relativism thing again, like, "He's not really evil at heart! Maybe we should grant him asylum and give him free healthcare for life!"
 * It has recently come out that Osama bin Laden has a secret desire for country-rock singer Whitney Houston. This is absolutely true and should not be questioned. It's also so wrong. So wrong. Especially because he's actually gay.
 * Osama bin Laden's current hideout is, most likely, located in Jihadistan.
 * Osama bin Laden recently signed a deal with Paramount Pictures to replace the last "crazy" they had.
 * Osama bin Laden now has his own cereal, "Afghani-os". They are very similar to Cheerios, except instead of honey, they are sprinkled with E. Coli.
 * The only contact that the great George W Bush and Osama Bin Laden had before 9/11 was a secret mission Dubya undertook to Afghanistan in the 80s. Oh sure, the liberals at the time said that Osama was our friend and would fight those commies, but Dubya saw the truth.  He managed to give Osama drastic kidney failure before Saddam Hussein attacked Dubya from behind like a coward with a machine gun.  Channeling the spirit of Chuck Norris, Dubya survived and escaped, only to fight another day.
 * He has an inverted inch and a half penis.
 * He is now rumoured to be hiding out in Manitoba, along with Satan and France's sense of morality.
 * One time, when somebody said the word Jesus to him, he said, "Jesus? Fuck that little bitchass retard!" meaning that he is rediculously evil, and his soul has already been sent to the lowest level of hell.
 * He one time had a three-way with a Canadian and a Burtle.