Pat Robertson



Pat Robertson (born July 4, 1776) is a televangelist sent by Jesus himself from heaven to the United States. He is the founder of numerous organizations and corporations, including the American Center for Law and Justice (ACLJ), Christian Broadcasting Network (CBN), the Christian Coalition, Flying Hospital, International Family Entertainment, Operation Blessing International Relief and Development Corporation, and Regent University. He is the host of The 700 Club, a Christian TV program airing on channels throughout the United States and on CBN affiliates worldwide.

He is opposed to abortion and gay rights. He thinks gay people are aliens sent to earth by Tom Cruise. Robertson is a supporter of the Republican Party and campaigned unsuccessfully to become the second coming of Jesus in the 1988 presidential election.

He is a Southern Baptist and was active as an ordained minister and one of Jesus's right hand man. He loves America and the voice of Ronald Reagan's Ghost speaks to him regularly from the perfect and righteous color segregated heaven. Pat Robertson loves America and the good book. He is also a first class chef. He is the inventor of the Pat Robertson Protein Pancakes™. Many say he should just stick to religion because his pancakes taste like rubber. Pat Robertson also hates Hugo Chavez, the State Department, muslims, Liberals, ACLU, The Clintons ,United States Court of Appeals for the Ninth Circuit, The Supreme Court (see: Courting Disaster), Activist judges, and the 21st century Leprosy AKA Restless Leg Syndrome. (See Dr. Bill Frist) He also hates anyone who further denies America of her moral fiber.

Pat Robertson Trivia

 * Pat Robertson own Diamond Mines in Wyoming
 * Slap Boxes with Jesus
 * Loves Jesus so much, he had Jesus name secretly tattooed on his butt cheek
 * Pat's wife owns and operates her own advertising firm and is known to be unshutupable.
 * It's a little known fact that Pat's wife is a husband beater. Although he would never report this.
 * Pat has had numerous affairs, most notably with his best friend's wife, Mrs. Ralph Reed.
 * Ralph Reed after being given the chance to affair w/ Mrs. Robertson declined as he knew what this would be getting into.
 * Robertson suffers from night blindness and therefore cannot drive, unless he's drunk on Jesus' power.
 * Can Do 100 Pushups in 30 seconds (God is his personal trainer)
 * Robertson often calls for the assassenation of himself. He just wants to be w/ Jesus. But not in the gay way.
 * Robertson's brain has been offered to the nation of Switzerland for use in gourmet cheese.
 * Switzerland has dissavowed any knowledge of Robertson's posession of an actual brain.
 * In response to Switzerland's denial, Robertson has vowed to gourmet someone new.
 * Robertson defies all to out Jesus him.
 * Jesus secretly hates Pat Robertson, but curiously loves Swiss cheese.
 * Robertson's wife cannot be reached for comment, over anything at all, unless your famous or something.
 * Pope John Paul 2 did not allow Robertson to refer to him by his first name, not that Robertson would have anyway.
 * Robertson loves to rub elbows with famous magicians, magicians who are not famous, don't exist to Pat.
 * Robertson has repeatedly been run over by Stephen Hawking's wheelchair.
 * Stephen Hawking laughingly claims that random wormholes are responsible for his constant collisions w/ Robertson.
 * Robertson refers to Hawking as a Swiss Cheese 4x4.
 * Pat Robertson has secretly been replaced w/ Folgiers Instant Coffee, let's see if anyone notices.
 * Pat Robertson has no idea that Jesus is avoiding him, thereby postponing the rapture.
 * Jesus has claimed many times that Robertson is stalking him. This does nothing whatsoever to stop Pat.
 * Robertson has stated the he sees Jesus in all Men, but is totally not gay for Jesus.
 * Robertson funds all Michael Bay films, but especially loves those involving real life murder re-enactments of Jesus.
 * Robertson is an accomplished folk guitarist. His band Folky Folk sold nearly 12 albums. Not too shabby.
 * Robertson hates hamburgers, he refers to them as Jew steaks.
 * Robertson will never wear the same tie twice, unless it's tied around his head, just like in The Karate Kid.
 * All Robertson facts are copied verbatum from The Robertson Facts web ring.
 * Unless your name is Jesus, not in the spic way, but the godly one, Robertson will not stalk you.
 * You can't tell Robertson anything at all, if you attempt this, he'll reply, "Pat has heard that one before".
 * Do not try to bamboozle or pull the wool over Robertson's eyes in any way. Pat has seen it all.
 * Do not look directly at or taunt Pat Robertson, Pat Robertson should not be exposed to tempatures above 75 degrees.
 * Farted one time and the whole CBN studio had to evacuate, he said it was the chili.

Also See

 * John Hagee
 * Fred Phelps
 * Jimmy Swaggart
 * Reverend James Baker
 * Tammy Fay Baker AKA Bozo the Clown
 * Road Map To Salvation