Communist China

"There is an old Vulcan saying. "Only Nixon can go to China.""

- Captain Spock, USS Enterprise NCC-1701-A



Communist China occupies one of the largest land masses in the world and has the largest population of any country on earth. It is also an ancient land, full of mystery. Since its discovery by American President Richard Nixon in the 1960's, Communist China's mysteries have been the subject of much debate. Some interesting ideas have been tossed around, consider them for yourself. Like Nixon, Communist China is our frenemy. Communist China has always been our frenemy.

Theories Regarding Communist China



 * All Chinese people are cloned aliens, sent to earth just shy of 6,000 years ago in order to make certain that the rapture never takes place. The key ingredient in this interstellar conspiracy that would ensure the continued existence of the Universe is economic dominance. The theory behind their plan is this: control the economics of the prophesized and great American society, and repel the third and final world war which will lead all righteous people to God's final judgment and Jesus's return. If we can't afford to go to war, then as the aliens see it, we would not be able to defend ourselves. This is China's (or more accurately, the aliens') special initiative to keep the universe in a constant state of sin. This contributes to the Liberals' own separate conspiracy to stifle the truly righteous from enjoying everlasting bliss in The Kingdom of Heaven.


 * China doesn't actually exist. It's a front company conceived by American Intelligence Agencies in concert with The Bush Family in order to stockpile large amounts of fuel, textile, material and cash resources. All of which will be brought to use during the end times.


 * China does exist, but not as a country unto itself. The entire country exists only as a Gigantor factory floor where Liberal Robber Barons like George Soros and Al Gore can undermine The American economy by producing quality tube socks at a discounted rate, and thus fund the liberal agenda here in The Good Ol' US of A.


 * China is the only major holdover in the fight against communism. It has furthered the communist paradigm by adopting an open economy based on lowered currency rates and wages, which could only be described as "Slave Wages."  It has done all of this only so it could gain the economic leverage to, in parallel with Saudi Arabia, control every market on the face of the America's planet and buy and sell American interests as they please.  Essentially they are a nation of communists who like money, so just think of them as a whole lot of George Clooneys.


 * China is a HUGE piece of white, glazed crockery, which provides permanent shade to Korea and prevents Japan seeing anything but the rising Sun. In this context China is so big it's visible from space and easily holds 1 billion people, who live perfectly normal lives living in fear, buying American bonds, and producing an infinite supply of cheap tube socks.


 * China is harmless, has a small penis, can't see you, smells funny, can't drive, eats dogs, loves to gamble and smoke imported cigarettes, and is not to be worried about. Thank You for supporting your local Wal-Mart affiliate!

Geography
Communist China's territory includes Tibet, Inner Mongolia, Taiwan (in dispute with America), Hong Kong and Xinjiang, and this has been the case since at least the Qing Dynasty (1644-1911) and probably since Boo Radley was hatched from an egg.

Relations with Bears
Similar to Communist China's relationship with America, Communist China's relationship with Bears is also one of Frenemy. On one hand, the Chinese love to eat Bears--specifically, the gut of the Bear--that makes them friends. (Actually, the Chinese love to eat everything: including bear meat, snake meat, tiger meat, shark meat, horse meat, rabbit meat, and even dog meat!) On the other hand, consuming large amount of Bear guts turns the Chinese into godless commies and make them act like Bears, that makes them enemies.

Egaugnal
Communist China's language was invented by the same guy who invented Japanese. He couldn't think of any many new pictures, which is why the symbols look similar. Also, Chinese is read and spoken backwards, no wonder nobody understands them.

Everything is made in Communist China



 * ...Including...


 * this article which has proudly been brought to you by Iron Fisted Conglomerate and Steward of The Growing Middle Class, Anime OK!.
 * bedroom dressers
 * everything in your bedroom dresser!
 * Cat Food (not safe for American cats)
 * Dog Food (not safe for American dogs)
 * Hot Dogs (now made with 100% dog meat with zero rat meat filler) proudly serving in Hot Dog Stands around Beijing Olympic Stadium to international tourist and coming soon to Hod Dog Stands worldwide!
 * Kid Toys (not safe for American kids)
 * American Cars (not for use anywhere except America, but exclude California) designed by American corporation for American drivers to meet American emission standard, which is lower than Communist China's emission standard
 * America's Border Fence with Mexico (some assembly required), which is made in China and assembled by illegal Mexican worker to keep out Mexicans.
 * Pakistan's Nukes (assembly required) China made nukes for Pakistan to balance India's Nukes
 * Iran's Assault Rifles rifles specifically made for the Iranian Revolutionary Guards by China are mysteriously appearing in Iraqi terrorists
 * Sudan's Assault Rifles rifles used in acts genocide in Sudan by the Sudanese military are proudly made in Communist China (in exchange for Sudanese Oil).
 * Myanmar's Assault Rifles rifles used to kill Buddhist monks in Burma are proudly made in Communist China (in exchange for Burmese Oil).
 * Statues of Martin Luther King Chinese sculptors win bid to produce MLK Statues at low low price.
 * American Passport outsourced to be manufactured in places like Thailand, Bangladesh, China, etc.
 * Christian Bibles .........How can this be?



Things That Aren't Made In Communist China That Communist China Repackages Anyway

 * Bootleg Colbert Report -- Available with both Mandarin and Cantonese dubbing!
 * Bootleg I Am America -- Available in Simplified Chinese subtitles!
 * Bootleg Communism -- wherein Soviet origin, communism is worker-centric, but Chinese-styled communism is farmer-centric.
 * Bootleg Capitalism -- wherein American origin, capitalism is free market with private ownership, but Chinese-styled capitalism is free market with 50% private ownership-50% public ownership.

Things that aren't made in Communist China

 * Films depicting the largely overblown heroic efforts of labor unionizers the likes of Jimmy Hoffa.
 * Trouble.
 * Excuses for extended coffee breaks or days off.
 * Money.
 * Factual and Public data regarding the true value of Chinese Currency against any other type of Currency.
 * Labor Laws.
 * Snacks for Worker Union Meetings.
 * Reasons against any new "Hello Kitty" merchandising plans.
 * Aluminum, Steel, Raw Iron, or Copper.
 * Gasoline
 * Arguments against importing larger than needed amounts of any material.
 * Nuclear Fallout Shelters (Hint, Hint, Wink, Wink, Nudge, Nudge)
 * Any growth in the "Middle Class"
 * More than 3 cents per hour.
 * Arguments from Michael Jordan's lawyers.
 * Jokes regarding Richard Nixon.
 * Copies of films which highlight the lack of actual jobs in America.
 * Public statements regarding the sale to various Nation's of untold amounts of American debt.
 * Bans on oil imported from Russia or anyone else for that matter.
 * Industrial Innovation
 * Human Rights Violations
 * Google Searches
 * Parole
 * Laws specially tailored against Wal-Mart.
 * Friends with Animals.
 * Useless Prisoner Cadavers
 * Mention of Tienanmen Square
 * Environmental Laws, except for where Styrofoam importation is concerned.
 * Fuss over finding a dead female child's body in the street.

Food
Chinese (food) is referred to simply as food in Communist China. Historically, Chinese food is smelly, gross and tasteless. It wasn't until Chinese food came to America that we made it into something so delicious that it is now the main menu in Heaven. Before it came to America, Chinese food consisted solely of roots, herbs and rice. When it was brought to America by Jesus, we added artery clogging amounts of beef and pork, thus making it edible for red-blooded, freedom-loving Americans. The only notable exception is Chairman Mau's Chicken, who deliver an affordable and legally questionable alternative to massive starvation. It is rumored that the secret recipe consisting of nine herbs and spices was "adapted" from The American Company and friend of the American Fowl "Kentucky Fried Chicken". The two companies are currently embroiled in international intellectual property rights litigation.



Factoids

 * In 390 B.C. the beloved emperor Chin began the practice of using Chinese midgets for aereal reconnaissance. The midgets were strapped to giant kites and flown over the Great Wall of Communist China to spy on Attila the Hun. Thus began an era of Chinese military domination that lasted until opium was introduced to the region in 1822.
 * China attempted to kill Chuck Norris . Normally, this would be a good thing, but he was an American citizen, so it can not be tolerated. Americans drank beer in joy, after his beard saved him from a chinese nuclear attack.
 * The Chinese ride bikes everywhere because they are notoriously bad drivers and as such the government deemed bikes to be safer than Chinese knock-offs of Ford Pintos.

External Tubes

 * Chinese Capitalism
 * Chinese man adopts GOP style of "Compassionate Conservatism" to save the state money!
 * China 2.0
 * China steals Wall Street Trademark Bull!
 * China is stealing our oil!
 * China buys The Onion
 * China's abstinence sex education works!
 * Local prostitute to run for office
 * China kidnaps American workers!
 * New Zealand to become New Chinese Province!
 * Communist China to protect the sanctity of marriage
 * Communist China to stop dangerous terrorist