Ted Stevens



'Theodore Fulton Stevens' (born November 18, 1923) is a patriotic United States Senator from Alaska. He is currently the longest serving Republican in the Senate and, because of this, is the current president pro tempore. In the event of death to both President Bush and Vice President Cheney, as well as Speaker Hastert, Senator Stevens would assume the presidency, doling out patriotism like an errant vending machine. This is a comforting image.

A True American
Ted Stevens was born a true American on an apple pie farm in rural Indiana. The son of cowboy astronauts, Ted was instilled with a strong work ethic and great pride as a young boy. These attributes helped Ted become a successful member of the Flying Tigers air fighter unit in World War II. After the war ended, Ted attended college at UCLA and law school at Harvard. Growing bored with all the contiguous-ness of the 48 states, Ted moved to the territory of Alaska in the early 1950s.

In Alaska, Ted parlayed his successful law practice into a political career, first serving as counsel to the Secretary of the Interior, then as a U.S. Representative, and ultimately as a Senator.

As a Senator, Stevens helped to popularize the idea that the internets are not, as previously thought, a truck, but actually a series of tubes. Since he published his thesis, many Americans have sent him internets thanking him. Unfortunately, Senator Stevens did not receive many of them until just yesterday because the tubes were clogged with movies. Like many patriotic Americans, Senator Stevens is concerned that sensitive information may accidentally fall into the hands of terrorists and/or average Americans. In a valiant effort to thwart the terrorists, Senator Stevens has opposed the Federal Funding and Accountability and Transparency Act of 2006. This Act would allow the public (and the terrorists!) to review the distribution of every federal grant, contract, or award exceeding $25,000. Senator Stevens is so dedicated to this "safe-guarding" of knowledge, that even his opposition is a secret.

On September 1, 2006, Senator Stevens' son, Ben, demonstrated his solidarity in this endeavor by voluntarily handing over 12 boxes of important documents to FBI officials. This selfless act ensures that these documents will be kept out of the reach of harmful, hate-filled, sticky-fingered people like you! The Liberal Media will inevitably suggest that these documents are linked to secretive business dealings between lawmakers and oil field services companies. Hogwash!

More True Americanism
When lawmakers proposed a bill that would have taken funds allocated for Alaska and redirected them to assist in Louisiana repairs in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina, Senator Stevens threatened to resign. The Colbert Report supported Senator Stevens and encouraged him to up the ante, advocating for the secession of the State of Alaska if Senator Stevens' patriotic demands were not meant. Alaska boasts the highest bear per capita ratio in the United States. This fact is unconfirmed, but it FEELS like it's true. The separation of Alaska from the rest of the United States would conceivably reduce bear-American conflicts.

Legacy
No matter how much it may appear that Senator Stevens needs help, do not attempt to pin anything to his lapel. Failure to adhere to this simple directive will result the Senator becoming irritable and incoherent. His wife does NOT want to have to deal with that!