Breaking News/Archive/112007

David Letterman To Be Audited
The gap-toothed Hoosier will be audited by the IRS, it was announced today.

NEW YORK CITY, November 14, 2007-- Officials for the Internal Revenue Service announced today they will be putting CBS talk show smartass, David Letterman through what they call the waterboarding of audits.

No specific reason was given for this sudden announcement, but insiders believe it may have something to do with Mr. Letterman's jokes about The Greatest President Ever, some examples of which follow:


 * "President Bush says he's really going to buckle down now and fight global warming. As a matter of fact, he announced today he's sending 20,000 troops to the sun"


 * "After he leaves office, George W. Bush is going to start a think tank. That's right, it's like Michael Vick opening an animal shelter. Yeah, the George Bush think tank: it only has a shallow end."


 * "Over the weekend, President Bush had his annual physical and he had one of those colonoscopies. ... It was long, but a successful procedure. They removed five polyps and ten Al Gore ballots"

Obviously with these kinds of comments, it is a surprise he isn't going to Gitmo.

Enjoy your audit, traitor!

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All Other Candidates Take Credit For Planted Question At McCain Event


At an event in South Carolina, where Republican candidate John McCain was campaigning, a citizen asked a question that may have been planted.

HILTON HEAD, SOUTH CAROLINA, November 14, 2007-- It was a question many have wanted answered. The demure lady who finally did ask it received a standing ovation in the crowded room of her fellow South Carolinians for doing so. Once video of the question hit The YouTube, it hit the most watched video of all time in less than 30 minutes.

INTERNATIONAL INFLUENCE

Gunfire in Iraq has increased only because the Iraqis themselves wanted to celebrate the asking of the question.

The governments of Myanmar and Pakistan have called for a cease fire to recognize a moment of silence after news of the question hit their state-run television channels.

The Nobel Prize Committee considered rescinding Al Gore's Peace Prize to give it to the as yet unnamed woman.

The French bathed, the Italians put clothes on, Canadians stopped getting high and the Australians stopped drinking. If only for one day and to memorialize such a profound action by one brave woman.

THE QUESTION

The actual wording of the question has already been printed on t-shirts, bumper stickers, several newborn children (both male and female) have been named after the question and GoldenPalaceCasino.com has required all their employees to have the question tattooed on their foreheads. Reports coming out of GoldenPalaceCasino.com show that none of the employees are refusing. Bob Jones University has even started a scholarship based on the question, will be offering a degree based on the question and are considering naming a building after the question.

The question itself has been hailed by Geraldo Rivera, Michelle Malkin and Oral Roberts. Rush Limbaugh, Bill O'Reilly and Ann Coulter have been seen sulking because they didn't think of saying it first.

"How can we beat The Bitch?"

"'It is simple and elegant,' America's favorite Orwellian Boychick, Frank Luntz said breathlessly, 'I feel I am not representing my supporters unless I can come up with something better...it's going to be hard!'"

WHO ASKED?

The identity of the woman who asked the question has been kept secret, but the bigger question is: why are all the campaigns clamoring to take credit for "planting" the woman so that she could ask the question?

No one is sure who is responsible, but insiders tell Wikiality.com that Mrs. Clinton's campaign may have planted the question to distract from all her screwups this week.

When asked to comment on what question he would plant at a public forum, Howard Stern couldn't come up with anything more shocking and promptly shat himself.

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We Got One!
''After being warned many, many, many times, The Greatest Administration Ever has captured a terrorist who snuck past our borders, just like they said they would! Whoo Hoo!''

DETROIT, MICHIGAN, November 14, 2007-- Never one to say "We told you so!" The Greatest Administration Ever prumbly announced they had captured a terrorist spy who had somehow found employment with the CIA!

"'We have known for years that our borders are broken and we have tried everything in our power to raise awareness about this dangerous situation,' Dana Perino prumbly announced from the White House, 'Now, finally after several high profile near-misses, America's Defenders have found the one criminal who embodies the worst of all our nightmares and even a few episodes of 24.'"

The spy in question, Nada Nadim Prouty was a typical terrorist spy dead-set against The American Way. The crimes Mz. Prouty is charged with are:
 * soiling the tradition of marriage--Mz. Prouty tricked an American into marrying her allowing her to become an American Citizen in just 5 years after crossing the American-Mexican border
 * taking jobs away from American spies--newly Americanized, Mz. Prouty immediately took a job with the FBI, then the CIA with the premeditated purpose of damaging National Security
 * exploiting innocent technology to do her filthy, filthy work of violating the Constitution--while working for the CIA, Mz. Prouty used a computer to look at files without a warrant

Agents close to this ongoing investigation have told Wikiality.com that this case has encouraged officials in the upper echelons of both agencies and the Department of Homeland Security to determine the best course for reforming whatever rules are necessary to ensure protecting America's interests.

Wikiality.com will follow this story about The Greatest Administration Ever's greatest terrorist successes!

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FBI Director To Retire, Receive Medal Of Honor
The current director of the Federal Bureau of Investigation has concluded his service to The Greatest President Ever

WASHINGTON, D.C., November 13, 2007-- Robert Mueller, the current director of America's foremost investigative and publicly-funded and publicly-run police force, has been given the opportunity to spend more time with his family, a spokesman for The Greatest Administration Ever told Wikiality.com secretly in an internets before announcing it to the Liberal Media.

The "announcement" was made after the FBI concluded a study of actions of some people somewhere in The Middle East.

"'Mr. Mueller has served his country with dignity and honor and will be given the opportunity to earn whatever the market would bear. Using what has been discovered by the FBI, America's newest Attorney General, Michael Mukasey will oversee any judicial issues if anything arises.'"

Dr. Colbert Steps Down In Water Board Race
Despite his resounding lead, the gracious Newsman steps down

WILLIAMSBURG, VIRGINIA, November 13, 2007-- The race for one of the open seats in the Colonial Soil and Water Conservation District Board has one less contender.

Officials in Williamsburg are begging Dr. Colbert to reconsider, but a spokesman for the perpetual candidate offered no explanation for Dr. Colbert's silence.

Stay tuned for the latest about Dr. Colbert's systematic plot to rule America then the world!

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Wikiality.com Editorial: Hillary Clinton Stages Question At Town Hall Event!


The junior Senator from New York has shamed herself once again by going out in public and trying to do a man's job!

CORNPONE, IOWA, November 12, 2007--Never before in the history of our great nation has anyone ever done anything so insidious as what Mrs. Clinton tried to pull during a recent townhall meeting in Iowa!

THE SHAME

Wikiality.com learned that former Philander in Chief, Bill Clinton allowed his wife out of the house to get a job - and now she's trying to get another one!

Once out of the house Mrs. Clinton began acting out by:
 * wearing slacks and not skirts!
 * cutting her hair instead of wearing it according to Biblical fashion!

While out auditioning for this new job, Mrs. Clinton fraudulently and with malice of forethought tricked a young female Iowan to ask her a question of dubious nature!

This is treasonous!

Mrs. Clinton, we at Wikiality.com ask that you refrain from forcing your views on young impressionable American Children with your so-called "townhall meetings", especially if you coerce them to participate only if they do things your way! Go back to your home, satisfy your whore of a husband, but don't raise any more kids; one is more than enough for the likes of you!

THE GIRL

The helpless young princess, whose name shall not be divulged (but who will be called "Monica"), refused to answer questions from the media, stating she felt "used."

"'They told me to ask a question about global warming! Jesus doesn't believe in global warming! But I did it anyway because there are so few jobs in Iowa and they promised to pay me!  I'm sorry, but their democrat ways frightened me, I didn't know what to do!'"

Without a husband to protect her, her father and brother whisked "Monica" away to avenge the shame she has brought upon this Real American family.

THE QUESTION

The question asked by the young female dealt with the myth of global warming.

"Monica" was raised in a god-fearing Christian home and was homeschooled and would not have been exposed to such pornography.

But after just one direct meeting with Mrs. Clinton, young "Monica" was hypnotized--albeit momentarily--into believing that global warming wasn't a myth, but was indeed real and man was causing it!

While still under the spell, "Monica" was paraded in front of the cameras, like all those kids that Rush was talking about! Damn liberals!

THE WAY FORWARD

After this fiasco, no one can trust Mrs. Clinton or the people who attend her town hall meetings. Better yet, anyone who comes into contact with Mrs. Clinton cannot be trusted and should all have their phone bugged at the earliest convenience!

The trust of the American people is sacred. When one abuses that trust, they should be tortured (although obviously "we don't torture") until they admit their mistake and renounce their citizenship!

Wikiality.com is taking up a collection for the rehabilitation of "Monica" so that she may return to a life of Loving Our Lord Jesus Christ, kept safely away from questions and science.

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Dictator Chavez Pwned At Social Cohesion Summit
And Chavez was like, "Your dude was a fascist", then the King was all in his face...

SANTIAGO, VOODOO CHILE, November 10, 2007-- So, all the boys were like talking and Chavez was like interrupting and stuff, then everyone else was all still talking and such, then Chavez wouldn't stop talking and it wasn't even his turn! I'm so sure!

Like, Oh My God! Come on, everyone is trying to discuss stuff and he wouldn't wait his turn and he said Aznar was like a fascist and Spanish never was, and everyone knows, so like where does he get off saying that? I mean, I'm so sure...so then, King juan Carlos was all "shut up! He's so dreamy--everyone loves Juan Carlos!!    So, Chavez said Spanish was fascist!?  Like how is that even possible?  I mean get out!  Spanish is like where they made all those guys saints or something?  Right?

Juan Carlos was so right to tell him to shut up! I would've said the same thing, if I was there, too. Juan Carlos was right to do that--he was elected! Since when can Chavez say anything? No one elected him!

So, tell everyone that Chavez was so rude and Juan Carlos told him off!

He's so cool!

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No Explosion In Texas
American Newswires are reporting that there was an explosion at an oil refinery.

ENRON, TEXAS, November 9, 2007--Texas oil corporations on the verge of $100/barrel have nothing to fear as rumours spread throughout the state that there was an explosion at an oil refinery. Nothing could be further from the truth.

Go about your everyday routine.

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Correction
CORRECTION TO PREVIOUS STORY ABOUT OIL REFINERY EXPLOSION

The newswires are now reporting that there actually was an explosion in an oil refinery. But, reports from the scene say no one was injured and it was a small explosion in a new facility that has no history of previous explosions, nor will it effect oil prices.

Wikiality.com regrets the error.

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Update
UPDATE TO PREVIOUS CORRECTION OF STORY ABOUT OIL REFINERY EXPLOSION

Regarding the story about an oil refinery explosion in Texas, apparently there was an explosion, no one was hurt and now there's a fire, but everything else that has been reported is valid and will need no further corrections.

Wikiality.com regrets the error.

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Refinement
Okay, here's the thing...

We have to admit, we were a little hasty. We got excited. Someone said "explosion" and we were all thinking "Pulitzer". But, rest assured, this will be the final--and we mean final--correction for this story. Here goes...

Yes, there was an explosion and a subsequent fire. But the fire was put out in an hour. And the corporation that runs the oil refinery may have had problems in the past...but, this will not effect gas prices one bit.

You have our word on that.

Wikiality.com regrets the confusion this may have caused.

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Dumping The Greenback
On 8th November 2007, another hint, by the Federal Reserves to lower interest rates to stave off the looming housing crisis, created massive drop in the USD. A barrel of oil now costs about 40% more than it did in August due in large part to the rapid depreciation of the currency. Christmas trees from Canada is expected to cost more than the last Christmas.

China announced on 8th November 2007 that she plans to diversify her $1.43 trillion USD of foreign exchange reserves from the Yankee to the Euro. This follows Russia's move of switching from the Yankee to the Euro three years ago and Venezuela's move to convert Hugo Chavez's investment accounts from Yankee to Euro two months ago.

China is currently the world's largest holder of USD reserves and massive USD sell-off was sparked after two Chinese officials suggesting the greenback is losing its status as the world currency. Canada now holds its reserve more in EUR than USD. Even the Saudi is unpegging its currency from the USD.

Historian say that: The 18th century was the age of Gold. The 19th century was the age of the Sterling (British Pound). The 20th century was the age of the Dollar (American Dollar). Currency experts believed that: The 21th century could well be the age of the Euro.

The end of a world financial system usually signaled the end of an empire. Like the Romans and the British before us, we may have over extended ourselves by importing more than exporting and by spending more than we earn. This Thanksgiving, let us give thanks to our greatest president, George W. Bush, who turned our empire into a nation.

President Musharraf Just Wants Americans To Know He Won't Change The Name Of His Country


Pakistan President and Chief of Pakistan's Army, Pervez Musharraf released a statement regarding news some of you may have heard.

ISLAMABAD, PAKISTAN, November 8, 2007-- American ally in the War on Terror, Pervez Musharraf, took time out of his busy schedule to speak directly to Americans during the break between American Idol episodes.


 * "Please remain seated. Do not be alarmed."


 * "As the leader of Pakistan, I just want my allies in this war of terror to know that I, President Pervez Musharraf have everything under control.


 * "All the phones are working. All the TV stations are operational, we can see your Paris Hilton's hoohah just as clearly as you can."


 * "There is nothing to fear."


 * "It has come to my attention that some of you may have heard that a radical woman, Benazir Bhutto has been placed under house arrest. This is only partly true.


 * "Allow me to explain. She is a woman, and it is dark, we merely placed her in protective custody until the light of the sun rises again."


 * "Again, I ask that you not be alarmed. Tomorrow is another day, and although your TV writers are on strike, I am assured by your President that there will be more important things to occupy your time until your television stations are restored."


 * "Thank you for your time, I will take questions. Yes..."


 * "Thank you President Musharraf, this is WatchTVEatDonutDrinkBeer from Wikiality.com Times, now that you have your opposition in protective custody, will you be arresting any monks?"


 * PRESIDENT MUSHARRAF:
 * "No, next question. Yes..."


 * "Thank you, President Musher..Musham...um, Mr. President, this is The Brown-Haired Guy Who Isn't Steve Doocy, from Fox & Friends, is your uniform tailored?"


 * PRESIDENT MUSHARRAF:
 * "Excellent question. My uniform is not tailored, I wear the same uniform as my troops, whom I love very much. That will be all the questions, thank you."

President Pervez Musharraf then returned to the work of a very, very busy man. A spokesman for the woman in question, Benazir Bhutto, did not return Wikiality.com's calls in time for the posting of this story, maybe tomorrow.

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Update
As promised everything is fine in Pakistan, nothing to see.

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French Kissing Bush
The new president of the French Republic, Nicolas Sarkozy, is cozying up with our honorable greatest president ever George W. Bush at a state dinner on 8th November 2007 while reaffirming the renewed friendship and fellowship between the two great nations of France and America.

Gone are the "Freedom Fries" and the "Liberty Toast"; back are the "French Fries" and the "French Toast" on the dinner menu. Sarkozy, a self-declared Amerophile and Conservative, is making an 180 degree shift in foreign policy for the mighty French Republic.

With the heated rhetoric between the French president and the Iranian president, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, and the demand from France for Iran to stop her nuclear program, Americans can be assured that the French will be there if and when Bush decides to invade Iran before the end of his presidency in 2008.

While the exact detail of the conversation between Bush and Sarkozy remains unknown and classified, experts believed that there is only so many ways on how America and France may decide to invade Iran. The most popular theory is to tie the Iranian Assault Rifles found on the Iraqi terrorists to the presence of Iranian Soldiers in Iraq and thereby letting president Bush to invade Iran under executive power without Senate approval.

Germany Takes Chess-Boxing Title
"Anti-Terror" Frank Stoldt, German representative, shown the iron will of Germany by taking the world championship title for Chess-Boxing against David "Double-D" Depto, American representative on 3rd November 2007.

The ultimate sport of brain and brawn pitted the cute mighty hunky smart American, Double-D, with the equally attractive brave bulky intelligent German, Anti-Terror--by god, they are both so sexy--with a long cycle of tests of wit and strength until a clear checkmate at the seventh round.

Double-D takes black in the first round deploying the Scandinavian Defense, while in the second round both chessboxers launches a fury of jabs and crosses on one another. In the third round, Anti-Terror gain the upper-hand by his experience in chess. Double-D launches attacks in the fourth round trying to make up for losses in chess by boxing while holding on to a strong defense and counterattack through the fifth round. By the sixth round it is clear that the Double-D has little choice but to try to land a knockout before he got checkmated. Knowing this, Anti-Terror just parried the fierce fight from the American and deliver a checkmate against Double-D.

Conan O'Brien Stalked By Deranged Star
The star of NBC's late night version of "The View" was secretly being stalked.

NEW YORK CITY, November 8, 2007-- One of NBC's brightest stars revealed today that he had been the victim of a stalker, his publicist told the press.


 * "Mr. O'Brien is safe and is currently being shielded from this dangerous character."

Mr. O'Brien, who is set to take over The Tonight Show from Jay Leno, is known for his shock of red hair, freckles and pasty-white skin. His own program, The Freakishly White White Guy With The Jewy Bandleader Variety Hour is popular with the college-age set who revel in the seemingly endless cast of random characters from The Bear Who Masturbates and The Wicked Puppy to Triumph, The Dog With Diarrhea and The Gay Band Member.

Wikiality.com has learned that the stalker may have been auditioning his own character and was disgruntled when he was turned down. The character he used, a "Sun" was deemed too retarded to be included on the show and apparently hurt the poor dumbass' feelings when he was informed of this. The stalker then decided to follow O'Brien until he was too tan even for his popular cartoon, "Pale Force".

The unnamed man is in custody until a court date is set and his mandatory $cientology audit is complete and he can be released and declared "mentally fit" and glib-free.

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Rudy Giuliani To Prosecute Boy Who Started California Wildfire
Fresh from bolstering his anti-mob cred, Mr. Giuliani volunteered to punish 10-year old boy.

SAN DIEGO, CAULIFLOWER, November 7, 2007-- Many Cauliflowerians were outraged after finding out terrorists had started the wildfires that burned the important parts of their state, many determined to mete out every punishment imaginable and several yet to be legalized.

At the forefront of the burgeoning California Anti-terrorism movement is America's Mayor: Republican Presidential Candidate and Savior of September 11th, Rudolph Giuliani!

During a press conference, Mr. Guiliani set out his plan to punish the fire terrorists:

"'We have to find out if the suspect knew what he was doing was wrong. he will be questioned to find that out. We have to know what his motives were, who else may have been involved, we will check his parents' phone records.  I will be questioning him myself...Now, intensive questioning works. If I didn’t use intensive questioning, there would be a lot of mafia guys running around New York right now and crime would be a lot higher in New York than it is. Intensive question has to be used."

To assist him in his quest for justice, Mr. Giuliani has assembled a crack team of terrorist fighters:
 * Dick Cheney
 * Ann Coulter
 * Bernie Kerik

The San Diego County Department of Children's Services tried to protest, but by then the child had been removed from the custody of his parents, who were fined and placed under probation. According to witnesses, the defendant was placed onto an unmarked plane for places undisclosed.

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Georgia Declares State Of Emergency!


Within less than a week after South Carolina's Favorite Son dropped out of his presidential run on a platform of destroying Georgia, that state has declared a state of emergency!

ATLANTA, GEORGIA, November 7, 2007-- Georgians are bunkered down for the evening after a curfew was called in response to unrest in the latest volley between the Colbert Nation and Enemies of Freedom!

After hearing that their ideological brethren of the South Carolina Democrat Party had received threats of bodily harm from members of The Colbert Nation and retaliating by refusing to include America's Newsman on their ballot, the situation has worsened further with reports of clashes between the two powerhouses.

"'Riot police officers used tear gas, rubber bullets and water cannon to clear thousands of demonstrators from the streets,' NBC funnyman, Brian Williams reported, continuing, 'A group calling itself the Forum Mujahideen are taking credit, saying they will not stop until a recount of South Carolina Democrat Party votes is performed and made public.'"

Not much else is known at this hour, but members of The Colbert Nation have informed Wikiality.com that they have enough BLT sandwiches, Mountain Dew, Vaxascab and Formula 401 for a long siege.

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Liberals Try To Trick Americans Into Exposing Themselves
Not that there's anything wrong with that...

WASHINGTON, D.C., U.S.A., November 7, 2007-- The liberals who have infiltrated America's executive branch, congressional subcommittee, have employed a dastardly tactic to expose the possible perceived "homosexuality" of Congressional Republicans by introducing a bill to give special protections for homos so they can entrap whoever votes against it in airport bathrooms and label those Christian-Americans homo!

This strategery is called "the Larry" so named after liberals used it against heterosexual, family man and Christ-loving heterosexual, Larry Craig. A group of Republican legislators stood up on the floor of the House to make their displeasure about the bill known (and not, as some would have you believe, to declare their secret homosexuality in a round about way):

"'This type of legislation strikes right at the heart of what is good and traditional about America: the right of tolerant and loving Christian bookstores to not hire anyone who is considered to be contrary to their faith, such as homosexuals and Jew accountants.'"

The Republicans (who are not gay, or even secretly gay) who made their voices heard in opposition to the Employment Non-Discrimination Act (but are not gay just because they seem to be conspicuously anti-gay), are:

The House is currently voting on amendments to the bill, HR3685. Wikiality.com will update this story as soon as the House concludes this exercise in outing the perceived private and personal business of Republican lawmakers.

UPDATE
Nancy Pelosi gaveled the passage of this abomination by a vote of 235 for and 184 against.

Jesus wept.

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The Greatest Presidential Candidate Ever Steps Down For Good Of Nation
He began as a man with a dream and ended his quest as a man still with his dream, but it's now a different dream.

CHARLESTON, SOUTH CAROLINA, November 5, 2007-- As every American took the weekend off trying to comprehend the announcement, the man behind the campaign basked in the accumulated adulation that only a bid for President of South Carolina brings.

Gathering the press at his South Carolina compound, South Carolina's Favorite Son, read a prepared statement,

"'Although I lost by the slimmest margin in presidential election history — only 10 votes — I have chosen not to put the country through another agonizing Supreme Court battle...It is time for this nation to heal.'"

Citizens are joining this Great American in his time of weeping for the duration.

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It's Official: Unions Hate America
The Hollywood Reporter is saying that due to the writers' union going on strike most late night shows will go dark starting Monday, November 5, 2007.

SODOM & GOMORRAH, CAULIFLOWER, November 5, 2007-- The word is out and it is not good for truthiness. The Hollywood writers' union, the WGA, is ordering all their hippie members to begin a strike against American corporations beginning Monday, November 5, 2007. This will have a dire effect on every American who loves truthiness. Adding to the insult of preventing Americans from seeing Stephen Colbert 4 nights a week, The Hollywood Reporter is saying, The View will go on as scheduled!

"'The View will continue, without interruption, a gaggle of spokeswomen screamed to the media while they combed each other's hair."

Since October 17, 2005, America has been blessed with an uninterrupted flow of truthiness. But, now with a woman as Speaker of the House of Representatives and a woman running for President, the entire country has gone downhill. Look at these other trends:
 * oil is closing in on $100/barrel
 * gold is close to $800 an ounce
 * Canada's dollar is worth more than America's dollar!

There is no other explanation, than the insidious influence unions have on America!

Some people, however, point to signs that the strike won't last long, and American guts can be replenished shortly:
 * Jenna Bush has published a book

Wikiality.com promises to follow this story as much as we can through the torrent of tears in our eyes...it's too much... ###

Georgia Switching To Pecans
After the verbal assault from South Carolina's Favorite Son, the state of Georgia is getting out of the peach business for good.

ATLANTA, GEORGIA, November 5, 2007-- After a relentless public relations nightmare, officials in Georgia's capitol spent the weekend trying to figure out what to do with their Ted-Turner's-ass-flavored-peaches. It was finally decided to disband their peach crop and start promoting pecans.

WHAT IS A PECAN?

Georgians have long known their peaches were inferior to South Carolina's peaches and have gone to great lengths to hide this truthyism from the outside world. All native Georgians learned this as children and continued the charade into adulthood. Georgia has worked for the last 10 years to slowly remove their ass-flavored peaches from America's markets before anyone found out, but to no avail.

When South Carolina's Favorite Son got his own TV show, the jig was up and they had to work fast before their entire economy collapsed.

Wikiality.com investigators discovered that a plucky young buck working in the mailroom of a local advertising firm came up with the solution: dehydrate the peaches and call them pecans. This way, they reasoned, they wouldn't have to learn a new trade and could continue selling their ass-flavored peaches. Together with state officials who staged a drought, the stage was set to flood America's market with their dehydrated ass-flavored pecans, formerly known as peaches.

Wikiality.com is reminding Americans to follow the advice of their favorite newsman, Stephen Colbert and stay away from food that tastes like ass, and enjoy a South Carolina Peach with the ones you love.

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