Confucius



Confucius was a Chinese guy who lived a long, long time ago in China. Or maybe Japan. I'm not sure which. Anyway, he was really smart and he said a lot of things that were very truthy. He was kind of like a prehistoric Ching Chong Ding Dong, only nobody thought Confucius was racist because he was Chinese (or Japanese). Also, Confucius was a lot older than Ching Chong Ding Dong, and the things he said were more confusing - hence the name "Confucius."

Confucius was so good at making statements full of truthiness that people are still quoting him today, like 500 to 1000 years later. They even put his sayings in fortune cookies.

They also started a religion named after him, called "Confusionism." No one knows a lot about it, because it's not considered an acceptable Path to Accepting Jesus Christ as Your Personal Lord and Savior. At the same time, Confusionism isn't a One-way Ticket Straight to Hell because it's not technically a church or anything. Confusionism just wants you to think about stuff and stuff like that. So no Americans really practice Confusionism, and God doesn't mind it being around in China (or Japan) as long as it doesn't make any other Gods before Him.