The Colbert Report/Episode/498

Things That Change the Climate in Dr. Colbert

 * Shout Out to his college acting teacher
 * It's cold in the city
 * while waiting in line, some members of the mob had their genitals fell off like graham crackers


 * partly angry with a chance of rage


 * something got Dr. Colbert's Irish up, but that usually happens in the morning


 * Iranians were burning pictures of Obama
 * Mahmoud Ahme-Dontyouwishyourgirlfriendwashotlikeme-nejad


 * schoolchild essay winner "Death To America: What it means to me"

Dr. Colbert Is Not An Apologist For Obama

 * is he really qualified
 * is he really American
 * where was he the night Vince Foster died?

But, the market has spoken
 * Obama can sell crap
 * worthless crap


 * Obama coins are not approved, endorsed sponsored or authorized by the U.S. government, meaning they're worth more than real money


 * Obama may never be a great president, he is however a great marketing tool


 * pundit, entrepreneur and Black Republican, P.K. Winsome
 * also president of PK Winsom's Finishing Camp for Talented Young Ladies
 * he's proud
 * the Chinese character for "proud" is the same as the one for "opportunity"


 * breaking down barriers takes energy
 * offers commemorative Obama "Yes We Can of Energy Drink"
 * 100% real pomegranate artificial flavoring


 * Dr. Colbert says one sip makes him feel like he's in a flavor lab in the Mediterranean (and alive)!


 * you crash quickly and can't give blood for a month


 * it is the dream MLK dreamed of
 * enjoy PK's butter substitute: Obamargarine


 * Dr. King would be proud


 * commemorative egg timer is free at last (if you order now)
 * it has family heirloom written all over it (on the back)


 * "Dreams from My Father"
 * Chapter One: "Well-Endowed Naked Lady Riding A Lion"
 * although PK's father is gone, his dream lives on; $19.95


 * people say Dr. Colbert is white, because he watches Antiques Roadshow


 * white people can take advantage of these opportunities without seeming racist


 * Obama is the greatest African-American marketing opportunity since the Thurgood Marshall Grill
 * not just Thurgood, they're Thur-great


 * Dr. Colbert's humble tribute to Obama
 * The Colbert Mint presents: this Historical Collectables of History Collection
 * Zenith of Change
 * depicting the inauguration of Barack Obama as viewed on a Zenith television by Stephen Colbert
 * richly detailed
 * machine-colored plate
 * inscribed with touching message: "NOT FOR USE IN MICROWAVE"


 * available for a limited time only
 * once people stop placing orders, they will be ground into pumice stones and sold to a Korean nail salon


 * A Plate You Can Believe In
 * finest quality ceramic
 * a Barack Obama commemorative plate being admired by Stephen Colbert hand-painted onto an old John F. Kennedy collectable plate that was originally worth over $100 (before it was painted over)
 * heirloom quality dish
 * Guaranteed to change in value


 * You'll never forget where you were when your credit card was charged in full

Size Matters

 * we are on the verge on so many devastating crisis
 * we may run out


 * some see the glass as half full, others see it as half empty
 * either way it's urine and you'd drink it if you were in the desert


 * little Victories
 * lying back in a field looking at the stars
 * take stock
 * realize how significant Stephen is


 * Milky Way, America's Galaxy
 * smaller than the Andromeda Galaxy


 * compensate by saying how big our dipper is


 * our galaxy has 50 more mass than previously thought


 * Andromeda is so tiny, Stephen has observed nebulas with greater H2 regions
 * the Milky Way has a black hole at the center; Andromeda is just a plain asshole
 * Andromeda's apparent magnitude is 4.4, but its losertude is a perfect 10


 * insults will burn in 2.5 million years
 * Dr. Colbert awaits the response from Andromeda

Interview

 * Alan Khazei founder and CEO of Be the Change, Inc.
 * all Americans should do their part to make this country better, Dr. Colbert can't do it all himself


 * Stephen is reasonable
 * Be The Change, calling for MLK Day a day of national service


 * why should anyone do something for someone else without getting paid for it
 * what's the upside?


 * Dr. Colbert pays taxes
 * and he gives and gives every night


 * we are facing tremendous problems, if everyone works for free, the economy will damaged


 * many organization agree


 * 17-24 year olds to give a year full time
 * calling them to a volunteer nice draft


 * there's no cash in it


 * MLK also said "Follow the money"
 * and "I've got my mind on my money and my money on my mind"


 * MLK was fighting against people for working for no pay


 * America was built on national service, which is not true
 * people who had a tea fetish
 * America was built on an Indian Burial Ground


 * citizens have lead for change in this country


 * What young people get out of it:
 * discover full potential
 * help young, seniors
 * help Katrina victims
 * earn college scholarship


 * he supports Our President


 * Dr. Colbert signed a Declaration of Service (Eugene Krubnik)


 * www.servicenation.org

Epilogue

 * Dr. Colbert asks everyone to remember that his commemorative plates are still available
 * if you order in the next 30 minutes, you get not one, but two sets billed to your credit card

External Tubes

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