Jesus Christ

Jesus Christ is our Lord and Savior. Jesus died for our sins on a cross and now all we have to do is confess our sins and believe in Him and we get to go to Heaven. Pretty sweet deal, right? For some reason, liberals can't seem to get it together to save their godless souls. Just makes more room for the rest of us at the all-you-can-eat shrimp buffet in Heaven.

More than one Jesus appearing to you at a time are called "Jesi", pronounced like the "jee" in "golly-jee" and "zi" as in "Zionist pig".

Politics
Jesus was the founder of the Republican party. He helped develop the millitray doctrine of "Preemtive Smite" that has turned Iraq into a stable democracy. Evil liberals would have you believe he was a wimpy pacifist. However, when he said "turn the other cheek", he ment so you could wind up a good uppercut to the jaw. On the January 31, 2006 Colbert Report, Stephen Colbert reported that one of the ways you can tell a good Jesus from a bad Jesus, in addition to the goatee, is if he spanks your children until they cry.

What you should believe
You should believe in one God, the Father, the Almighty. Maker of heaven and earth, of all that is seen and unseen.

You should believe in one Lord, Jesus Christ, (who is not to be confused with all those mexican kids named Jesus) the only Son of God, eternally begotten of the Father (after a drunken one-night-stand), God from God, Light from Light, true God from true God, (basicly a kind of god-clone) begotten, not made, one in Being with the Father. (In essence, spiritual conjoined twins if you will) Through Him all things were made. (except for Kevin Federline, he had nothing to do with that shit) For us men and for our salvation he came down from heaven, (or possibly because he dropped a contact lens) by the power of the Holy Spirit he was born of the "Virgin" Mary (at least thats what she told her husband), and became man, (with a penis and everything). For our sake he was crucified under Pontius Pilate; he suffered, died, and was buried, (though not in that order). On the third day he rose again (because he had to take a major piss). he ascended into heaven and is seated at the right hand of the Father, (which is good beacuse God doesn't like Lefties). He will come again in glory to judge the living and the dead. (The undead will have their cases reviewed in binding arbitration) And his kingdom will have no end, (plus continuous harp playing for ever and ever!)

You should believe in the Holy Spirit, the Lord, the Giver of Life, Who proceeds from the Father and the Son With the Father and the Son he is worshipped and glorified< He has spoken through the Prophets.

You should believe in one holy Catholic and apostolic Church. (Please send us your young sons to serve as alter-boys, we promise nothing bad will happen to them...honest!) You should acknowledge one baptism for the forgiveness of sins. (Hot tubs don't count) You should look forward to the resurrection of the dead (cause it will be totally awsome, like one of those Living Dead movies. The Romero ones, not the suck-ass remakes either) and the life of the world to come.

''And you should believe that you were predestined to believe this. It's in Romans, and I know you'll read it. It's your destiny.''

Factoids

 * Jesus is Allah's cousin. They met only once, and talked about beards. Jesus has a brown beard, but Allah has a black beard. Allah has a longer beard. Jesus is commonly accepted to have a more intense beard, though. And he's more photogenic than Allah. Much more photogenic. Hell, Jesus is a camera whore.
 * Jesus is left-handed.
 * Jesus is the inventor of the modern-day Spanish Omelet, hand job, and high-octane gasoline.
 * After walking on water, Jesus invented the swift boat.
 * Member of the Super Best Friends Superhero Team.
 * Jesus' favorite hockey team is the Saginaw Spirit. They win because he is on their side.

Things Jesus Has Been Seen On

 * 1) tortilla
 * 2) Shroud of Turin
 * 3) shadow on woman's floor

Do Not Also See

 * The Qur'an