User:Swifty

My name is Swifty. I'm here to dispense only the truthiest of truthiness.

Biography
I was born the son of a modest bootblack and a dirty trollop who abandoned me when I was but an infant. My father and I lived in a small tenement in New Orleans, where we routinely had to fight for our lives and sustain ourselves with things that came off of our own bodies.

Though he was but a mere shoeshine himself, my father loved to stick up for the little guy, from the honest industrialist just trying to make a living without government fatcats getting involved, to the downtrodden Christian minister whose massive religious activist group has been unjustly denied the right to impose its beliefs on everyone else. He understood their plight, and contributed what little time and money he could, until one day, something terrible happened.

One day, while walking to the street corner with his characteristic drive to make the shoes of a nation sparkle with the glimmering sheen of rugged individualism, he happened across a demonstration march against the Gulf War. He tried to elbow his way through the crowd, but he didn't make it.

My father was trampled that day by savage peaceniks.

I was devastated. The only thing I had in life was gone. But I was determined that, from that day forward, my life was going to be different.

I began reading voraciously. I read everything, I looked at information from every side's perspective, from William Bennett to Phyllis Schlafly. But one author in particular touched my heart, in a way that I never thought possible. Horatio Alger Jr.'s dime tales of success through the hard work of the individual were a ray of hope. I was inspired by Alger's novels, and decided I was going to make my life work. So, I, too, began writing crummy formulaic success stories about impoverished young boys who steered their lives toward the road to prosperity through hard work and determination. It wasn't long before, like Alger, I became fabulously wealthy at the expense of a few poor sods with fertile minds eager to be planted with seeds of false hope with the help of my wonderful readers.