Uwe Boll

Film director Uwe Boll is the most popular German export since the Blitzkrieg. Uwe (pronouced oovah) Boll was born in 1965 to kraut parents of German origin. As a child Uwe never let his slight mental retardation sour his dream of becoming a peg boy for the German Navy. Unfortunately chronic explosive diarrhea prevented young Uwe from achieving this dream and he ended up acting in German scat movies. It was during one of these shoots that a producer with a heroin addiction saw promise in the young lad in directing films. It wasn't too long before Uwe was directing more scat films than he was acting in. These films impressed critics so much that Gene Shalit even wrote a book about his films with the tongue-in-cheek title:  What An Ass!

The critical attention eventually led to Hollywood taking notice of Uwe's amazing gift for filming human feces. He was offered his first American film Blackwoods in 2002, which was an art house success. He followed that masterpiece with what became his famed Trilogy Of Shite (House Of The Dead, Alone In The Dark, Bloodrayne').

Praise For Uwe
Jean-Luc Godard: "Uwe's films are truth at twenty-four frames a second."

Andrew Sarris: "Quite frankly he's the only real auteur working these days."

Michael Bay: "Brett Ratner used to be my favorite art film director, but the Trilogy Of Shite changed that!"

Gene Shalit: "His films are thrill rides that will leave your jaw dropped and your pants wet!"

Mel Gibson: "Even though they're funded by Jews, I like them.  I do."

Rev. Jerry Falwell: "Mr. Boll's flms are a part of the homosexual agenda.  Having said that, I'd bang that chick in Bloodrayne any day."

President George W. Bush: "I think Uwe did a heckuva job with Alone In The Dark.  I have an eckalectic taste in movies."

Rev. Al Sharpton: "He's my favorite nappy-headed ho, I'd watch his stuff any day."

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad: "Of all the infidel Jew-funded Holocaust-believing filmmakers, I think he's the best."

North Korean Leader Kim Jong-Il: "His films make me less ronry."