Kublai Khan



Kublai Khan was the son, or grandson, or nephew, or brother, or genetic clone, or sidekick (whichever) of the 1st President of Mongolia, the Dread Lord Genghis Khan. Kublai Khan took after his...whatever, Kublai took after Genghis in his powers of conquest, bloodshed, archery, tactical genius, leadership, charisma, anger, and horseback riding. He used these great abilities to invade the Communist nation of China and he declared Mission Accomplished in the year 1279, having successfully brought democracy and the Mongol Horde to the suffering, fascist-led Communist Chinese state.

Today, Kublai Khan is remembered as an early champion of democracy, freedom, liberty, equestrian, and rape. If he was an American, he would be an American hero. However, since Mongolia is part of the Coalition of the Willing (like Poland, the country that John Kerry forgot about), he is eligible to receive an honorary American hero degree, just like Stephen Colbert's honorary doctorate degree.