Argentina

Argentina is a country in South America. By default this makes it inferior to The United States of America and all things related to Kenny Rogers. It borders five nations, but the only two that matter are Chile and Rio de Janiero. Its capital Buenos Aires is called the Paris of the south - says it all doesn't it.

History
6 AD- Argentina wins their first World Cup

From 1285 AD to 1778 AD- Argentina was ruled by the great leader Trogdor and his spawn including Scweedley and Meedley

1801 AD- Chinese food is first introduced to Argentina by Jack Bauer

1888 AD- Chile annexes Argentina, but only 2 of the members of the UN Security Council ratify the decision (the United States of America and France). Officially, Argentina is still independent, but it is actually a puppet state, like Cuba, only without the Communists

1940 AD- Juan Peron comes to power

1947 AD- Nazi fugitives and their joo gold German refuges are welcomed to Argentina

1948 AD- Evita assassinates Juan Peron by using her liberal powers of Kabala

1988 AD- The Arizona Cardinals move to Buenos Aires

2009 AD- Mark Sanford comes to Argentina for its legendary meat.



Government
Since the death of her husband, Juan Peron, Argentina has been led by his wife Evita who is also known as Madonna. Madonna has ruthlessly ruled Argentina and oppressed its inhabitants into slavery by forcing them to listen to songs such as "Like A Virgin", "Don't Cry For Me Argentina", and "Seasons of Love". It has been rumored that Madonna is secretly siphoning money off of the national treasury to buy many things French, but it has not been proven. If allegations are true, Americans should remember that it is not the fault of the people of Argentina, rather its leader should be at blame.

After Madonna moved to Hollywood, Argentina's military took over the government and had 366 presidents in just three weeks. But all is cool now, they got another woman as president, Cristina Fernández de Kirchner! What could possibly go wrong?



Economy
"wait.... they have money??" ~ Mutopis



Argentina’s economy was so bad, that even the rich people were poor! An Argentinian family could exchange their A10,000 Australes for one whole dollar! With Argentina's currency depreciation rate, if you were lucky, you could use the bills as toilet paper by the end of the day. The Australes was such a despised currency that the Argetinian people preffered to be paid in American Dollars… they love Dollars therefore they love America! (guess which part is true...)

Argentina’s commie economy was destroying the country; it had a rampant hyperinflation that was going out of control; even the commies thought that the fiscal policies were insane! But then a very enlightened pro businessman, Domingo Cavallo, took over Argentina’s Ministry of Economy in the 1990's and brought radical reforms to Argentina's economy! First they took all of the Australes in the country and toss them into the sea (at this time they were too worthless to use as toilet paper) and they replaced the currency with the Peso. But they went even further with their economic policies with a very ingenious plan, to make sure that they could stop inflation they decided to peg the value of the Peso to that of the American Dollar, thus artificially fixing its monetary value to that of America’s! Ingenious!!

The master plan worked! Soon inflation dropped sharply, price stability was assured, and the value of the currency was preserved. The new Dollar Peso raised the quality of life for many Argentinians, making them rich overnight! Now they could buy crap from other countries or ask for credits in dollars at very low interest rates. Even Gorlock thought it was a good idea to invest in Argentina and buy lots of Pesos. I mean what could possibly go wrong?

Sure Argentina has lots of international debts to pay off, forcing them to keep borrowing money from other countries just to keep their economy afloat. Or the problem that the artificially fixed exchange rate is making imports so cheap, that is producing a constant flight of dollars away from the country and a progressive loss of Argentina's industrial infrastructure, which is leading to an increase in unemployment. But at least they stop being communists! Gorlock you own me money!!!

Argentina's financial economy collapsed in 1999 and now is solely dependent on the Llama for their livelihood... at the moment. But dont worry Gorlock has promised me that it will soon recover! In the meantime Gorlock advised me to invest all of my money in the American Housing Market and Real Estate! What could possibly go wrong? ~(Mutopis, circa 2007)

Culture
Argentina is known for being devoid of any cultural achievements and having very little influence in the world, but its main two contributions to the world's culture are Football Soccer and Tango... ... with the exception of its rich and extensive Argentinian literature and their relevant authors like José Hernández, Roberto Arlt, Jorge Luis Borges, Julio Cortázar, Manuel Puig, and Ernesto Sábato that influenced and changed the world South American literature; Argentina’s colorful and long traditional cinema dating back to the nineteenth that has played an important and influential role in Argentina’s culture; and let us not forget Argentina’s architecture, paintings, and sculptures that rivals that of a small European country... …but other than that they are devoid of anything remote to a civilized culture… barbarians!

What the Hell is Tango?
 After coming in contact with Mark Sanford, it is now known as "one of the dances in the world" 

Tango was invented by overly hyper-sexual bears who tried to seduced the Argentinian women and it worked! The women soon fell under the magical and sexy spell of Tango by being swept off the floor by its devilish lyrics and having their bodies being swoon around the floor under its maniacal and lustful moves. Tango was so hawt and sexy that it was banned in Communist Russia, it was just too hawt to handle!

If you ever find yourself in Argentina beware! No one can resist the calling sound of Tango! I mean no one! Even our beloved Stephen felt into the snaring traps of its diabolical music but don’t worry! Stephen gave such a hawt dance that it set Buenos Aires on fire, giving him enough time to escape with his female companion.

Since June 24, 2009 Mark Sanford has ruined Tango for all of us... (way to go, you bastard...)

Sport Religion


While 90% of the population of Argentina are Catholics, there is an even stronger religion than The True Church that has a hold of Argentina’s soul. It is the devil’s sport known as football soccer, an inferior sport in comparison to that of America’s football.

According with Wikiality.com Reporter, Soccer Expert, and Thruthician Mutopis: for all Argentineans soccer is not just a religion but a way of life. It has been demonstrated that soccer brings the worst characteristics of human emotions into light like hate, rage, and vandalism… Argentinian soccer fans even makes British hooligans look like kittens by comparison!

The worst of these events happened in 2002 when violence erupted between two rival fans causing a National crisis. It made the gang wars in America look like a skirmish by comparison. The wave of violence lasted for two months and there was widespread social disorder in the country before the government announced an emergency shut down of the Nation. The government called for “extreme” measures to stop the rampant violence before it claimed the lives of 50,000 soccer fans… but by Gawd it was the greatest game ever in soccer history!

Argentina's Socialist Policies


Argentina started out as a socialist experiment, so it shouldn't be surprising that they started out as commies, but don't worry the Ultra Rich Entrepreneurial Argentinians are working hard to rectify the situation.

Medicine
Argentina has Socialized Health Care Medicine for all of it’s people, making Private Health Care impossible to compete or even be able to offer them their “superior” services to an ignorant population. If you look at this Data:


 * The relatively high access to medical care Argentines have enjoyed has historically resulted in mortality patterns that are nearly similar to those in developed nations: from 1953 to 2005, deaths from cardiovascular disease have increased from 20% to 23% of the total, those from tumors from 14% to 20%, respiratory problems from 7% to 14%, digestive maladies (non-infectious) from 7% to 11%, strokes a steady 7%, injuries a steady 6% and infectious diseases, 4%. Causes related to senility led to many of the rest. Infant deaths, which accounted for 19% of all deaths in 1953, did so for only 3% in 2005.


 * The availability of health care has helped reduce infant mortality in Argentina from 69 per 1000 live births in 1948 to 12.9 in 2006 and raised life expectancy at birth from 60 years to 76. Though these figures compare favorably with global averages in both eras, they continue to fall somewhat short of levels seen in developed nations and in 2006, ranked fourth in Latin America.

The Poor bastards, they don’t know what they are missing…

Educashun
Argentina has a socialized free education program for all of its children… the shame! How is the market economy be able to offer its superior services if it is free to everyone? But don’t worry recently public education is now widely found wanting and in decline; this has helped private education to flourish, though it has also caused a marked inequity between those who can afford it (usually the middle and upper classes) and the rest of society, as private schools often have no scholarship systems in place. separating the “undesirables” from the really talented pool of students!

In spite of Argentina’s many problems (which is all of them), Argentina's higher socialist educational program managed to reach worldwide levels of excellence in the sixties. They can claim three communist Nobel Prize winners in the witchcraft of hippie liberal sciences: Luis Federico Leloir, Bernardo Houssay and César Milstein; the highest number in Latin America surpassing countries economically more developed and populated as Ireland or Spain ("That’s because Spain sucks!! You heard me!" ~ Mutopis).

Burdened by an ongoing brain drain (who wants to live in Argentina??) since then, science and technology in Argentina still maintains a busy program of research and development.

The Wymins
It is a well known fact that Argentinian women are HAWT. Just ask Governor Mark Sanford!



External Tubes

 * Argentinian Girls are Hawt!