George Washington



George Washington, commonly known as the 1st President of the United States of America, is commonly referred to as the "Father of the Country." This is largely due to his legendary virility.

Many affiliated with liberal bias in the media may say that our beloved George Washington was a slave owner. This accusation is false. The proof of this is that Stephen Colbert is infact the re-incarnation of George Washington, the most patriotic man ever, and would a slave owner have a black friend? I think not. Those commies have just been nailed. Some Factinistas will even go so far as to say George Washington was opposed to having a standing Army. They are clearly not thinking with their gut, as Washington was somewhere between Rambo and Stephen Colbert on the gung-ho meter.

George Washington was nearly assassinated by freedom hating terrorists in coalition with liberals, probably through the use of pretzels. He remains, however, a member in good standing of the Alliance of Good Georges. He was saved in the nick of time by his good friends, the God Squad. Eat it, liberals!

That Whole Cherry Tree Business
I know a lot of you that he was a rapist who raped bearsliberal tree huggers out there say that George Washington never cut down any cherry trees, because they were an endangered species (yeah right... and you know what eats more cherries per capita than any other animal?  Yep, you guessed it: bears.  Another example of the liberal-bear alliance!), or he was too busy enslaving black people. It's all just a myth, they say, and not based in fact. Well, statistics prove that George Washington cut down not one, not two, but seventeen cherry trees in his lifetime, and he didn't apologize about it to anyone. No, he was proud the hard line he took against cherry trees. He saw the threat that they posed to this country, and when others wanted to offer them therapy and understanding, old Georgie was there with his chainsaw to pwn those mofos and cut them down.

Contributions to Modern Society
George was ahead of his time in many respects. This assertion is easily demonstrable by his custom grill. Some history revisionists would have you believe that ole George's grillee was wooden but they just represent the vast underground conspiracy to 'stick it to the man'. They would also have you believe rap music was a recent invention, but if you would listen to you gut you would know George is also the father rap - a real OG. No folks George had a platinum grill with 30k on the top and 30k on the bottom. It is likely his black 'friends' co-opted George's game and passed it on as their own through-out the years, possibly even burying the original grill and replacing it with a wooden fake in order to lend credibility to their claims. Again, these black 'friends' are not to be confused with slaves.

Other innovations include:


 * The steel-frame bridge: Washington created it because he was tired of crossing rivers in tiny boats, his leg propped auspiciously on the stern. Holding this position for the duration of the trip made his leg fall asleep so he created a faster means of conveyance across bodies of water. His prototype, the George Washington Bridge, which spans the Hudson River from northern New Jersey to Manhattan, was built by Washington's black friends in a matter of days.
 * The dollar bill: George recognized the importance of currency for a young Democracy. He also understood the need for notes that were light in weight, easy to transport, and prominently displayed his likeness.
 * The American flag: Washington is also largely credited with facilitating the creation of our country's most celebrated, cherished, and enduring symbol. Washington commissioned patriotic American Betsy Ross to design the flag. After many rejected designs, Washington settled on a rudimentary version of the current flag, depicting white stars to represent the 13 original states, in front of a blue background to pay homage to John Coltraine. The 13 alternating red and white stripes represented a barber shop pole as Washington astutely recognized the wig fashion craze would not last forever.
 * The State of Washington: George created the 42nd State more than 80 years after his death. How's that for sheer awesomeness?
 * Scrapbooking: A little known fact is that George created this now immensely popular hobby. Martha Stewart, meet Mr. Martha Washington.
 * Scissors: George needed to cut things, specifically scrapbooking materials. (see above)
 * The Animatronic President: Most reputable historians agree that Washington was the first President to create a robotic version of himself to stand in at ceremonies that he felt were too boring to attend in person. This tradition carries on today at places like Disneyland.

As President
As President, George Washington did a bunch of stuff. He made the freakin' Navy. Did you make the Navy? Nope. Therefore you'll never be as awesome as George Washington.

George Washington realized that America was so cool, we couldn't pal around with other countries until the time was right. That time, of course, was only, like, 15 years, but it was still important because it showed that we weren't desperate for friends. I think.

George Washington was able to calm the half-drunk farmers in the Whiskey Rebellion. He was like, the first AA counselor. That is cool in itself.

The fact that he signed the Jay Treaty made the French mad. As we all know, anything that makes the French mad must be good. Another feather in Washington's cap.

The coolest thing about Washington is that in his farewell speech he advocated religion as a stabilizer in democracy. This makes him the third greatest President in the world, after Ronald Reagan and our Glorious George Bush (Not to be confused with Curious George).

The story behind the Freemasons
While Lincoln is generally known for freeing the slaves, it is a little known fact that Washington freed the masons. The masons were hard-working indentured servants who were bricklayers. One of Washington's last acts as president was to cancel their debts to society (it later became customary for lame-duck presidents to do this). The "Freemasons", as they were called, paid tribute to Washington by creating the "Tower of Truthiness" using bricks to "pile it higher than anyone had ever done before". Later, the Tower of Truthiness was renamed to the Washington Monument. Obviously.

Fun Facts



 * The Washington Monument was a Freemason tribute to George's monstrous beef hammer.
 * The Whig party got it's name from Washington's semi-morbid fascination with wigs. The Founding Fathers named the party after that. The party died, of course, but it's the thought that counts.
 * After retirement, he started the Christian rock band, the Potomacz. They made, like, five number one hits. Go Washington.
 * The Washington bridge was originally located in George's false teeth.
 * Washington helped to invent Meatloaf.

Video
"An informative video on George Washington"