The Colbert Report/Episode/496

SEGMENT1

 * Dr. Colbert will miss us when he's dead


 * last night was the Golden Globes
 * given out by the
 * three worst words in English language: Hollywood Foreign Press


 * many celebrities wore beige and taupe
 * i might not feel your pain, but my evening gown does


 * TGPE gave a press conference
 * like Olympics
 * every four years
 * China is going to win


 * President Bush's last press conference


 * it seemed like yesterday
 * won almost as many voters as he had executed


 * begin painful process of saying hello to "Goodbye"


 * drew a bubble bath
 * glass of win
 * toe wrapped around the cord of the TV perched on the edge of the tub


 * final fight on the press corps


 * TGPE couldn't win when it comes to connecting the dots
 * placemats


 * never finished the word search


 * media wants controversy


 * TGPE has never been afraid


 * TGPE very modest; left out unnecessary


 * by enemy he means the Constitution of the United States


 * picked the perfect time to get out of Washington


 * Deal or no Deal changed name to Meal or no Meal


 * biggest job loss since 1945


 * huge layoff expected in waterboarding sector


 * Obama thinks he can fix it
 * change we can believe in, if we can catch a break or two, no promises

Tonight's Word

 * Sweet Smell of Success


 * English study
 * burned by guy in a robe asking to have his sword pulled from his stone


 * Univer of Liverpool
 * compare men who did not shower
 * English women have no sense of smell
 * also find kidney pie edible
 * confidence is attractive (they never smelled the men, they only watched them on video tape)


 * wearing Axe is like huffing money


 * Axe should work on the economy
 * also a sponsor


 * sprayed with 5-star rating


 * debt must be attractive to Chinese
 * soak T-bill with Axe


 * Dr. Colbert gives [The Mob a liberal manly spritzing of Axe Body Spray
 * confidence to get a loan
 * confidence to get a job


 * not how strong our economy is,
 * just as long as no one gets close enough to get a good whiff

Stephen Junior

 * intensely private person


 * Dr. Colbert has parenting issues with his son, Stephen Jr.
 * behaviorally speaking, eagles are not huggers
 * Stephen sometimes gets collect screeches


 * Stephen was spotted in the National Wildlife Refuge, located between Oregon and California
 * obviously a refuge from Ore, Cali


 * they have alot in common:
 * stands in tree, staring through a neighbor's window


 * compliment her on her food sack
 * works in any species


 * Stephen Jr. was spotted the day before Christmas
 * the raptor Santa Claus


 * not everyone


 * Jack Noller, photographer captured photos
 * wildlife paparazzi

Interview

 * Anthony Romero
 * director of ACLU, believes we should close Gitmo, as long as we reopen Abu Ghraib


 * is happy
 * in eight days the worst president for civil rights


 * his savior is coming


 * Barack H. Obama, the "H" stands for "HCLU"


 * has no idea what to do with all the people in Gitmo


 * wants to treat the terrorists like American criminals in American courts


 * likes the Supreme Court decisions regarding detainees and their "rights"
 * doesn't like that they picked TGPE


 * wants to turn Gitmo into Colonial Williamsburg


 * wants to hold torturers accountable


 * Obama says there will be no "looking back"


 * tries to find fault with Dr. Colbert
 * doesn't like Stephen's tie, exactly what a gay guy would do


 * if he doesn't close it in his first week, Obama owns it


 * in six months, the world will see GWB when they look at Obama

Epilogue

 * Dr. Colbert closes the show with a reminder that he has a lot more to say, but will allow The Heroes' eardrums to scab over

External Tubes

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