Tom Cruise

Tom Cruise, who isn't gay, is known not only for his formidable acting skills, but for saving the world single-handedly from space creatures. Well, he did in that movie with the blonde kid, anyway. In 2007 he was proclaimed the 'Christ' of the Church of $cientology, and we all know that 'Christ' figures of any religion aren't allowed to be gay.

It has been suggested that he's what's referred to in today's society as a "closet homosexual" (a man who only has gay sex in small rooms, draped in hanging coats). This, however, remains as yet unproven. If you have had a unique experience with Mr. Cruise, who is definately a heterosexual, please feel free to write in below.

In 2005, (Super) Tom Cruise, who doesn't have sex with men, impregnated Katie Holmes, an actress from the teen-drama Dawson's Creek (and whose looks are noticeably lower than the goddess Nicole Kidman), with his $cientology-Infused Super Sperm and a turkey baster. Their baby was born in April 2006, and is widely believed to actually be an alien, though no super powers have been reported as of yet. However, seeing as the child was born out of wedlock, the family is unfortunately going to hell once the rapture occurs anyway. That's what happens when you jump on too many couches, Tom (the heterosexual).

Tom Cruise Healing Technique
Tom Cruise, not gay, knows, like every other truthiness teller, that cancer as well as every other disease can be cured with vitamins or vigorous banging of one's head against a fairly solid wall, or by the most effective means, viewing all of his movies (in particular, 'Collateral' and 'Magnolia').

Mr. Cruise, who ain't no fag, believes this technique will also cure any and all mental illnesses.

Acting Career
Tom Cruise has appeared in many box office hits, making him a darling of Hollywood for many years. His diminutive size even made him a favorite to appear as Frodo in the Lord of the Rings trilogy. But after starting principle photography he stormed out when someone referred to him as a "gay munchkin", never to return.

His acting career declined further when he declared himself the Scientology Messiah, and attacked Oprah's counch, believing it to be possessed by Intergalactic Emperor Xenu.

Tom Appears on Oprah
In 2005, kick-ass Tom Cruise, a very heterosexual man who has been with the stunningly gorgeous Nicole Kidman (who is noted for her perfect posterior and brilliant acting, even in her recent works), appeared on Oprah to promote his upcoming movie, the name of which I forget. I heard it was kind of lame anyway. Regardless, Tom's seemingly crazed antics on Oprah caused quite a stir among the media, and lead many to wonder if he was drunk, temporarily insane or just plain stupid - allegations Tom, a heterosexual who doesn't like the cock, admitted to. He was indeed drunk - drunk with 'love', the new flavor of Johnny Walker.

On the hour-long talk show, Tom, not gay, took the liberty of jumping upon Oprah's previously pristine couch and exclaimed gleefully his alarming infatuation with the much-younger Dawson's Creek actress, Katie Holmes. After a few moments of maniacal laughter and uncomfortable audience tittering, Tom, the woman fucker, proceeded to go backstage searching for Katie, manhandling her onto the stage while she visibly attempted to push him off and conceal her makeup-less visage.

Mere months after the Oprah escapade, Tom, who only likes boobs, announced he was set to marry Katie - after he had already impregnated her. Katie has since never spoken except to say "We're very happy together. We're so happy", over and over and over...