Stephen's Bears and Balls

Stephen's Bears and Balls is a segment of The Colbert Report in which Stephen proves that any jackass can roam around a TV studio like a madman, offering up investment 'advice.'

The debut of the segment occurred on the January 15, 2007 edition of The Report after Stephen took the time to watch Jim Cramer's Mad Money and realized anyone could do what Cramer does.

Using the Colbert Investmentometer, Stephen decides whether or not an ivestment is a good one, depending on the response uttered after he presses the Big Red Button.

Stephen guarantees his investment advice will make you millions if you follow it.*

Tips

 * Real Estate - Housing bubble burst, so buy Oil? Yes! And stack it up in ten gallon containers around your garage or in your living room, if you rent.
 * Telecom - Buy AT&T? Hell no. Instead buy and repurpose old Cingular signs.
 * Soy Milk? No. Ask again later.  Ask again later.  Ask again later.  No. Yes!
 * Beef Jerky? Yes! Thanks to the minimum wage increase, the American workingman has lots of disposable jerky income.

DISCLAIMER: These invesment tips are not guaranteed. You could end up penniless in the street, selling your body for food, turning tricks fr the guys in the big sedans down at the bus station. Or you could be so fabulously waelthy that you never chew the same food twice.