Japan

Japan is a country in Asia. Actually, it is not in Asia. It is located on a chain of islands just off the coast of East Asia. We are at war with Eastasia. We have always been at war with Eastasia.

What Japan Is/Is Not
A little-known but vital fact is that Japan is not in China. By all rights, it should be—China is so big, and Japan is not—but it isn't. Also, if Japan was added to China, that would just make China even more crowded. It'd be like...a collision of crowded countries. It's important to address here that the Japanese and the Chinese pretty much hate each other, all because of the Koreans. Without the Koreans as the third wheel, Japan and China would be best buddies. In fact, all wars between Japan and China were started over Korea. Damn Korea and its spicy kimchi.

Another quirk is that Japan is really not the apocalyptic land of tens of thousands of tall skyscrapers as seen in every single Japanese anime or manga. That would be China (see: Shanghai). In reality, most buildings in Tokyo are only 3 stories tall, because they need to be earthquake-proof, plus Godzilla keeps toppling them down. This is another source of confusion for people thinking Japan is in China. Japan is also extremely insane, shown by the video clip shown above.

Normal Japanese Life
In Japan, people eat raw fish, rice, seaweed, and crunchy toasted tapeworms. They wear kimonos (basically dresses), loincloths (basically diapers), and straw hats (basically umbrellas). Their alphabet is a bunch of squiggly lines, making it virtually impossible for Westerners to understand what the hell they are trying to say in their writing.

The Godzilla Threat
Godzilla, one of the biggest haters of freedom of all time, has destroyed Tokyo on a number of occasions. He has posed as a defender of Japan, but will turn on them in a second because of his socialist agenda. When he tried destroying New York, the media exposed him as a transgender she-man. To prove how tough Americans are, we stopped Godzilla's rampage with Ferris Bueller.

Japan's Youth
It is a known fact that the japanese as a whole are oblivious. They do not notice groups of teenagers transforming into gay outfits, and giant monsters attacking. Most scientists belive this is due to the fact that 99.9 percent of its population own cellphones and are rotting their own and each other's brains.

Japanese Culture
Japan's main export is animated porn, or hentai

For some reason, everyone in North America loves Japan because they love to read manga. (written by Japanese people who have nothing better to do) Manga is a fancy word for drawings of idiotic people, all with bad hair fighting like a ninja, jumping in and out of trees plastered on extremly small pages. Oh yeah, it's in black and white, only because Japanese people have not yet discovered COLOUR PRINTING.

The capital of Japan is Tokyo, which is fourth to New York City, Chicago, and Houston (made in the U.S.A.) as the biggest city ever. So suck it, Tokyo!

Killing oneself is also very popular among ethnic Japanese citizens, they call this "Harry Carey", and it is considered essential to everyday life in Japan. It involves standing on a bullet train, and juggling 5 tennis balls while reciting haiku, if the suicide participant survives this, or drops a ball, they bring shame and dishonor upon their family. The only way to right the shame is by beating all 300 levels of dance dance revolution and die in the process, and if they fail this, they are deported to Korea.

Those Weird Inventions
The Japanese have a tradition called "chindogu" which roughly translates into "useless invention". They also have no color printing, which explains why manga is printed in black and white.

Civil War
As of 2007, the civil war occurring in Japan for 60 years had ended. It is not very popular here in the West, so it is not well known or understood, and therefore is irrelevant. But, after World War II, we had kicked the ass single handedly of the entire Axis, and we called dibs on Japan. We then made complete pussies out of the Japanese, by taking away all there dashi and used panties, and said they couldn't have any guns and must be this tall to ride. Japan, heartbroken (as if they had souls) ran into the mountains, crying like pussies. This is when King of the Samurai, Asian Mr. Pickles made a phone call to the all-knowing Papa Bear, and begged him (like a pussy) to save his nation from freedom hating, liberal, BEAR LOVING ninjas. Papa Bear as loving and caring as he is, was reluctant to help the soulless degenerates that plagued the island. But after receiving a holy vision from The Baby Jesus, decided to give it a try. There, he brought God to the Godless sodomites, and led a holy crusade against the Saddam Hussein led Ninjan Army. In 2007, Papa Bear and The Greatest Country On Earth finally won the civil war, by executing that asshole, thus ending the civil war with another ass whipping of Japan.



Japanese Medicine
Almost every aspect of Japanese medicine is more or less modern, except when it comes to the autopsy. Japanese autopsies consist of reviewing photographs, since everyone in Japan has a camera.

Martial Arts
Japan has lots of Martial Art Masters, just like China, Korea, and other Asian countries, the Japanese people are all Martial Art Experts (well, most of them. The rest are just too weak or too busy being sexual perverts to bother with it...)

Japanese Bears
Japan has two kinds of Bears, the bearrorist, and the Pedobear. It is said that the Japanese Bearrorist is afraid of zombies... and the Pedobear is just intersted in lolies...

Japanese Food


The Japanese love seafood so much, they practically live in the ocean. They will eat anything that used to swim:
 * fish
 * squid
 * whales (see photo at right)
 * Aquaman
 * Seamen
 * Fur Seal Penis (an Ainu delicacy, with uses similar to viagra)

Japanese Robots
Oh, crap... we are doom!!! They have sexbots now!!!

External Tubes

 * Japan turns commie, but South Korea Still loves you America!