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'''See Also:
 * Daily Poll Write A Caption Bear Watchers Abomination Watch'''

Breaking News Archive

Liberals Finally Force A Draft In Iraq
''Liberals have long claimed that if a draft were held, more Americans would support The Greatest President Ever's call to bring democracy to Iraq. They have finally gotten their wish.''

THE WHITE ELEPHANT EMBASSY, BAGHDAD, IRAQ, November 1, 2007-- When Iraq asked the international community for aid packages that included democracy, The Greatest Administration Ever delivered. When Iraq needed help with security following a spat of skirmishes (between 2003 and present), The Greatest Administration Ever again delivered.

And now, when Iraq needs jobs, water and electrical services to a certain area along the Tigris River, again, The Greatest Administration Ever volunteered to provide any assistance needed.

Taking the lead in this endeavor is The Greatest Secretary of State Ever and future Republican Presidential Candidate, Condoleezza Rice.

"'I ain't lookin' out fo' mah legashizzle. I be heppin' mah bruverrs and sistahs in the Iraq and such as, muthafuqa,' the eloquent beauty said in a written statement to the press."

A small number of so-called diplomats have begun to whine about being sent to the world's largest, most lavish and safest embassy. Their opinions have no place in a legitimate news story, but Wikiality.com will post their "beliefs" to keep our promise to be fair, balanced and truthy:

"Dr.-Mrs. Rice-Bush, In regards to your request for my services in Iraq: please accept my resignation because I am a chickenshit who loves terrorists and hates America."(an excerpt from an email by one of the recruited diplomats to Dr. Rice)

Details on Mz. Rice's entire plan is sketchy, but Wikiality.com insiders will share what we have learned:
 * 1) 200 diplomats will serve in the new Baghdad Embassy
 * 2) the length for their service in Iraq has not been clarified
 * 3) current foreign service officers who refuse to serve will be replaced with people who love America who will then be given diplomatic immunity

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The Greatest President To Visit Former 50th District of California To Battle Wildfires!
With at least seven fires raging out of control and no end in sight to the nightmare, The Greatest President Ever will join forces with the Governator to defeat the Wildfire Menace, known only as "The Flaming Queen"!

SODOM AND GOMORRAH, CALIFORNIA, October 23, 2007-- As America is devoured by unforeseen and unprecedented droughts and fires, the people look to their heroes for safety and security (but not necessarily rights and laws)...

The Governator safely ensconced in Sacramento awaiting a water disaster to exploit or photo-op to pose in is alerted by his beacon of awareness: FOX TV says there are some fires in California's 50th district!

...Unsure of how best to take advantage fix the situation, he calls upon the only man who can help, a hero from Washington who cuts a swarthy be-codpieced figure: THE GREATEST PRESIDENT EVER and his boy wonder: Privateer Blackwater, swift of government contract and strong of extra-legal arms! Priavteer Blackwater vows to use all his security and lobbyist powers to bring order to the mostly white, suburban Republican voting stronghold!

Together they will take on their long-time nemesis: Mother Nature and her sidekick: The Flaming Queen as they try to destroy The Border Fence and all that it stands for, while at the same time funneling security work to Privateer Blackwater and construction work to his twin, Privateer Hallirbuton!!!

TONIGHT'S EPISODE: How To Dress For A Wildfire When Fall Colors Aren't Your Look!

Stay tuned for next week's episode: How Much Money Can Be Made From A Disaster?

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Dr. Colbert Makes It Official On NBC's "Meet The Press"--A Wikiality.com Editorial
The interview began coridal enough, until the Pumpkin-headed host got personal: should the candidate be allowed to pronounce his name as the Founding Fathers intended?

AMERICA, October 22, 2007-- This stage has seen many powerful world leaders and its share of seasoned politicians, but never anyone with the balls of Dr. Stephen Colbert.

Weeks went into the preparation of the event. The host, genial pumpkin head, Tim Russert took classes in joke telling, not to learn to tell the jokes himself (anyone who has seen Russert knows this will never happen) but to give the illusion that he has a sense of humor.

Russert tried very hard to trip up his guest (or nail as the kids say), but failed miserably at every attempt. He quoted some passages from the candidate's book, I Am America (And So Can You!), searching for some nonexistent hole in the author's theories, but to no avail.

At one point in the interview the host resorted to using props like a pumpkin-headed Carrot Top.

Very little new information was learned about the candidate, more was learned about the host and his liberal media bias. Russert let slip that:
 * he doesn't believe Americans can pronounce their name the way they choose
 * he has lazy or retarded researchers
 * he is not certain whether God is on our side in the war on terror, or even if he is speaking his own words
 * he assumes all his guests hate their mothers (this is most likely a projection about his feelings toward is own Mater Gourd)
 * he accuses his guests--the people who come to visit him--if they are hippies (really Russert, stop smoking whatever it is you're smoking, you might singe your rind)
 * he declares that someone with a popular show is the leader of a cult (after all, how would Russert know about having a popular show?)
 * he believes that loving Nixon is a bad thing
 * he is ignorant of the shows that have the pulse of the nation, like The Colbert Report, The Conan O'Brien Show and Grey's Anatomy
 * he knows nothing about South Carolina, the state, or anything to do with their politics, or voting in America

All in all, the interview was an embarrassment; luckily for Mr. Russert and NBC, the only thing people watch on TV on Sunday mornings is football.

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Former Commander May Have Been Tortured
White House Officials became suspicious after Sanchez's appearance before a group calling themselves "Military Reporters"

ARLINGTON, VIRGINIA, October 15, 2007-- By all accounts, retired U.S. Army Lieutenant General Ricardo Sanchez was a model soldier: tough, followed orders without questions and looked really good in khaki. But a year following his forced retirement, his friends and former colleagues wonder why he suddenly spoke out against policies he had no problem supporting when he took an oath to command America's troops in Iraq.

"'Whatever happened to General Sanchez has left him mentally damaged,' an unnamed source close to everything told Wikiality.com under the condition that he remain anonymous, 'He is exhibiting signs of psychological stresses consistent with victims of torture.'"

The unnamed source says that Sanchez's change of mind about the success of the surge in Iraq most definitely occurred as a result of sensory deprivation, stress positions, electrodes to the genitals, long-term exposure to homosexual imagery and vegetarian cooking, "I've seen it before," he said mysteriously.

The red flag was raised when Sanchez appeared in public without his Army uniform on. Witnesses also state Sanchez was not wearing a regulation American Flag Pin either. It was in this condition that Sanchez was seen stumbling into the 6th annual Military Reporters & Editors conference and demanding that he be allowed to speak.

What came next shocked all even the most battle-hardened grunts in attendance.

There were no real notes taken at this type of gathering, so all the accounts come from the memories of those who witnessed it. Sanchez was reported to have said:
 * “There has been a glaring and unfortunate display of incompetent strategic leadership within our national leaders"
 * the U.S. military mission in Itaq is a "nightmare with no end in sight"
 * "America continues its desperate struggle in Iraq without any concerted effort to devise a strategy that will achieve victory"
 * George W. Bush doesn't like brown-skinnded people
 * obsessive attention to the sculpting of my body hair doesn't make me gay
 * Rosie O'Donnell shouldn't have been fired from The View

But, the most glaring gaffe by General Sanchez was when he said he supported affordable health care even for poor children.

"When he said that, we knew the liberal media had gotten to him," Dana Perino said during her daily press briefing the day after the incident, "when The Greatest President Ever vetoes a bill that would essentially legalize socialized medicine, everyone knows what their opinions should be, especially a three-star general. We are worried about General Sanchez's mental state, but not enough to make the treatment for it affordable."

Wikiality.com has done some investigating and discovered the address of General Sanchez's possible torturer, Graeme Frost. We will be standing outside his home and calling his phone until we get some answers to what really happened to the good general to make him change his mind in this fashion.

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Nobel Prize Causing Dangerous Rise In Al Gore Hot Air Emissions


Today's announcement that the 2007 Nobel Peace Prize will be shared by Al Gore and the U.N. Climate Change Panel has already contributed to an enormous and threatening increase in the liberal media's Al Gore hot air emissions, leaving America's Planet at risk.

OSLO, NORWAY, October 12, 2007--

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Writers' Strike Threatens Late Night Television!
The Writers' Guild of America is threatening to strike, months ahead of the campaign season, thwarting any chance of Jay Leno being the funniest guy on late night TV.

HOLLYWOOD, CALIFORNIA, October 11, 2007-- Another liberal union taunts The Ghost of Ronald Reagan with talk of going on strike.

The ghostly apparition rattled his chains and moaned his displeasure throughout his press conference, but the message was clear: no one in the after life favors workers over corporate citizens.

"The quality of television programs is independent of the writers," an unnamed rotund fleshy donut of a man told Wikiality.com, "Americans don't choose their TV shows based on books they like, they choose them because they don't like books. TV should be the solution to reading!"

Industry insiders believe that without writers creating whatever it is they create, programming hours can be filled with wholesome movies from days gone by or reality shows that emphasize zero-sum outcomes in militaristic settings or more game shows like "Who Wants To Make A Deal To Marry A Five Year Old?" or talk shows starring the right kind of people talking about the right kinds of things.

No one needs writers for that!

''This news story was sponsored by $cientology. $cientology, we're rich enough to influence you in ways you don't even know about.™''

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Al Gore Stops Chicago Marathon
''Observers say he was running around shirtless pulling racers off the course. Officials ended the race to save his dignity''

CHICAGO, AMERICA, October 7, 2007-- Traditionally the race is held in the coolest part of the year, so that runners don't overheat. Organizers also plan the race to avoid inclement weather. But this year, planners of the LaSalle Bank's Chicago Marathon© weren't expecting Hurricane Al.

"'I have never seen a man that large move that fast,' former Chicago Bears professional football player, William 'The Refrigerator' Perry, told Wikiality.com after promising to buy him a cow's worth of steak, 'I was afraid to get in his way, why are white people so crazy?'"

Police started receiving reports of a fat man causing a commotion in the streets of Chicago and immediately assumed it was Teddy Kennedy, but when they discovered no vehicles were involved, they got confused and promised to investigate as soon their union breaks were over.

Once police ambled over to the marathon finish line, the race had been going for over three hours and thousands of people had already completed the torturous circuitous route. 

Local firemen had Mr. Gore trapped against a building and were using their hoses to guide him into a donut shop, where police arrested him.

He was eventually released back onto his private jet to return to his native Hollywood.

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Republican Senator To Retire
In a first for The Greatest Administration Ever, Pete Domenici, the senator from New Mexico, has announced he will retire amidst the greatest legislative success ever!

"My work is done here," the slight man behind the podium struggled to shout above his adoring crowd, "I want to thank each and everyone of you for helping me make my time in the senate to successful!"

To outsiders it seemed like a celebration, but for the staffers, interns and constituents of Peter "The Great" Domenici, the press conference announcing his retirement was more like a funeral.

The Greatest President Ever Demands Iran Allow Him to Speak At One Of Their Universities
The Islamic Republic of Iran has not yet accepted The Greatest President Ever's democracy-bringing speech to their largest educational cave, Al-Qaeda University

After allowing the president of Iran, Mahamoud Ahamedjihateamericaejad, to speak at New York's leading hippie university, Columbia, The Greatest President Ever demands the opportunity to speak at one of their madrassas, telling the UN: "'Is Islamoos learnin'? I want to talk to The Iraq and other countries like The South Africa, such as, so they can put democracy on their families. I believe fish and doctors coexist to share their love of women throughout Iran. God Bless America!"

As expected, Nancy Pelosi delivered Iran's response: "ALALALALALALALA!!! Allah Akbar! Death to America!"

Besides Ms. Pelosi's official comment, Iran has not scheduled a date for when they will accept the democracy The Greatest President Ever wants so desperately to bring them.

Upon hearing of the exchange, North Korea's president, Kim Jong Il, demanded that he be allowed to speak at a preschool about nutrition. Then, Myanmar Prime Minister, General Thein Sein volunteered to hold an 8-day seminar on democracy with Sudan's President, President Umar Hassan Ahmad al-Bashir.

Not to be ignored King Abdallah bin Abd al-Aziz Al Saud, leader of Saudi Arabia (Peace be upon their Cash) demanded that he be allowed to visit Wellesbian College to discuss women's rights.

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