Tedward Kennedy

Senator Edward Murfreesboro "The Swimmer" Kennedy, D.A.T.T. (which stands for Drunk All The Time) is a United States Senator from Taxachusetts, the gayest state in America.

Teddy was technically never born. His parents, Zanzibar and Winifred M. Kennedy (the patriarch and matriarch of the acursed Kennedy Family) found him on their doorstep after Teddy had been beamed down from an alien spaceship from Bearpiter, a far away planet inhabited by star-eating alien bears who can take on human form. Already having 25 sons and daughters, including little JFK Sr. and RFK Sr., they figured there was already room for one more and immediately adopted Teddy.

However, the residents of Bearpiter, upon breathing the rich, freedom loving air of America, undergo some sort of metamorphisized chain reaction which attempts to disrupt their ability to take on human form. The only way to combat this effect is to continuously consume alcohol, which Teddy has been doing since he was a wee Bearpiter-ite.

Unfortunately, this propensity for consuming adult liquids has caused Ted, and any others who are partially of the Bearpiter race (in particular, his son, Congressman Patrick M. Kennedy, D.A.T.T., who is half-Bearpiter, and must also continuously imbibe of the sweet nectar) extremely poor automobile operators and poor decision makers. Patrick has also similarly become a poor automobile operator and has also made very poor decisions.

This not only lead to the famous Chappaquiddick incident, which earned Kennedy the endearing nickname "The Swimmer," the poor-decision-making has also caused Ted to be 100% wrong on every political issue in the history of mankind. However, this may a good thing for him as a Bearpiter-ite, since it places him on the side of communists, liberals, and bears, which was the original intent of the leader of Bearpiter, who sent Teddy to Earth in the hope that he would become its supreme ruler, and would unite all Earth-born bears in the hope that it would ally with Bearpiter in its quest to rule all of the galaxy.

Unfortunately for the ruler of Bearpiter (and fortunately for all of us who love freedom), he did not anticipate that the rich, freedom loving air of America would have the effect it has on Bearpiter-ites. As a result, Bearpiter has called off any plans to change the course of human events on Earth and will keep away from the Earth's Solar System as the interstellar forces of Bearpiter continue to roam the galaxy, conquering everything in its path and eating whatever stars they encounter.

Fortunately for Ted Kennedy, the bears of Earth have found him a comfortable job as a United States Senator in Taxachusetts, where he is supplied with all the alcohol he needs.

As for Teddy's human brothers, they were all shot. But that doesn't have anything to do with Teddy.