Jew Testament/The Law/Featured



The Law, also known as the Torah, the five books of Moses, or Ten Commandments, is the main part of the Jew Testament. Although it is action-packed, it is generally not considered as good as the New Testament, because it doesn't mention The Baby Jesus at all. This is probably because it was written by Jews, who don't believe in The Baby Jesus and will thus burn in the Lake of Fire. Christians read this book for the same reason people went to see Episodes 1-3 of Star Wars - it wasn't as good as the later part of the story, but it was made by the same person (God or George Lucas).

Genesis
The story starts exactly 6,000 years ago. God creates light and darkness and lifts America up from under the ocean. God also creates the first humans, Adam and Eve (Not Steve), who get kicked out of the Garden of Eden and sent to the Middle East because they ate an apple from the Tree of Facts. Not Steve's son Cain kills his brother Abel, becoming the first terrorist.

After that, a whole bunch of people are born who don't do anything interesting at all. Eventually, God floods the world because there are too many Liberals in it. God tells Noah to build an ark, and put two of every animal except bears in it. (Unfortunately, the bears sneak on the Ark when Noah isn't looking.) After the flood is over, Noah drinks some alcohol and gets pulled over by a police officer (who is obviously just itching to catch someone so he can get a promotion). Noah says some things he didn't mean, and the liberal media blow it all out of proportion and hound Noah for the rest of his days.

Some uninteresting generations later, a man called Abraham became the first Jew by discovering God up in heaven. God tells Abraham to go to the Promised Land of America, but he ends up in Israel instead. Meanwhile, God smites the city of Sodom because it is filled with Godless Sodomites. God also smites the city of Gomorrah. This double-smiting foreshadows the American double-nuking of Hiroshima and Nagasaki.

Abraham has a son named Isaac, who has a son named Jacob, who has twelve sons of his own. Eleven sons are in black and white, and the last is in Amazing Technicolor. The black-and-white sons send the Technicolor son (whose name was also Technicolor) to Egypt, where God tells him to save the country from a famine by privatizing Social Security. Technicolor succeeds in the American Dream by becoming the Vice Pharaoh, and all the Jews move to Egypt because it's closer to America than Israel is.



Exodus
Egypt elects a new Pharaoh who is a Democrat. Needless to say, his first action in office is to cut and run from the war in Mesopotamia while raising everybody's taxes. He also enslaves the Jews. The Pharaoh's daughter adopts a Hebrew baby, who she names "Moses" (which is Egyptian for "Charlton Heston"). She raises Moses to be a hippie, which backfires on her when Moses runs away to go raise "sheep".

But, in the desert, a miracle happened. Moses was chasing a stray "sheep" when he came upon a bush that was, miraculously, showing an episode of The Colbert Report from the future. This experience changed Moses' life, and he decided to go back to Egypt to free the Jews from slavery and gun control.

The Democrat Pharaoh refuses to free the Jews, so God unleashes Ten Plagues against the Egyptians, including frogs, hail, bears, illegal immigrants, damned dirty apes, NAMBLA, breast cancer fundraisers, New York Intellectuals, and Michael Moore. The last and worst plague comes when all of the Egyptian firstborn children are all put on Stephen Colbert's Dead to Me list. Unable to face the shame, the Pharaoh lets the Jews go.

But, just as the Jews reach the shores of the Red Sea, the Pharaoh flip-flops and decided to send his terrorists to stop the Jews. God parts the sea, allowing the Jews to cross, but when the Egyptians try to cross, God (and not President Bush) causes the levees to break, drowning the Egyptians. The Jews are so happy that they celebrate the first Passover, which they schedule to be around Easter time. God gives the Jews the Ten Commandments as a reward for making a golden statue of Stephen Colbert.

Leviticus
Everyone takes a break, and God makes up some wacky laws for everybody to follow. Nobody pays attention to most of the laws nowadays, but the ones in chapters 18 and 20 are important. They make it quite clear that God doesn't want you to be gay, or to be a member of NAMBLA.

Numbers
The Jews try to make their way back to Israel, but get off to a slow start because they have to make a big fuss about how many people there are, and what kind of sacrifices they make. Moses sends out 12 spies to check out Israel, which turns out to be full of terrorists who are also giants. Ten of the spies are cowards, and want the Jews to cut and run back to Egypt. Only two spies, Rush Limbaugh and Geraldo Rivera, have the balls to stay the course and fight.

God forces the Jews to wander in the desert for 40 years as punishment. During this time, the Jews don't support their President, Moses. This emboldens their enemies causing them to be attacked by the Midianites, Ammonites, Mooninites, Frankenites, and Hillarites. They are all defeated because God, who can of course see into the future, gets the idea from Stephen Colbert to put them on his Dead to Me list. (Of course, when you're dead to God, you're just plain dead.)

When the 40 years are up, the Jews reach Israel. They have to stop and count themselves again. Meanwhile, some women ask Moses if they can inherit their father's land, even though they are women. Moses says yes, not realizing that this will someday lead to the Femi-nazi movement.

Deuteronomy
Now that the 40 years are up, Moses gives his last State of the Jews address, in which he makes up a lot of new laws. Moses outlines his healthcare and education plans, but they both involve animal sacrifices (and not of bears, unfortunately). The speech also sets out a plan for a new type of government, which involves priests and activist judges; this was the best Moses could come with, because he had not read the American Constitution, which would be written later by the Founding Fathers and Jesus.

When the speech is over, the Jews elect Joshua (R-Ephraim) to be their next leader. Moses, now a lame duck prophet, goes up a mountain, and dies at age 120.

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