Tek Jansen

Tek Jansen is widely regarded as the greatest hero of New Earth having saved it countless times.

He has obviously had hundreds of girlfriends.

The first animated episode of Stephen Colbert Presents: Stephen Colbert's Alpha Squad 7 - Tek Jansen the New Adventures, featuring Tek Jansen and his arch-nemesis Abraxxia, aired on August 8th 2006.

Everytime a bell rings, Tek is doing someone wearing a bell.

Episodes
Operation: Heart of The Phoenix - Dead or Alive: A Tek Jansen Adventure Original Airdate: August 8, 2006 Tek's expression of surprise: Solar Plexus! Episode Synopsis: Tek Jansen must infiltrate the fortress and find his way into the filing sector. Tek reaches the filing room, and upon seeing the massive amounts of filing cabinets, he exclaims "Solar Plexus!" His mission is revealed as Tek explains that he must find the plans for the inhibitor cannon so he can stop the Brazilian from destroying New Earth's cloud supply. Tek easily finds the file he needs, but is immediately confronted by Abraxxia, Tek's most sensual nemesis. Although Abraxxia appears to have won the confrontation, she concedes victory to Tek. She allows Tek to "collect his prize" and disrobes. Abraxxia and Tek hook up, with Abraxxia telling Tek that he must've had hundreds of girlfriends. Tek wakes up and Abraxxia is gone. He reaches for the inhibitor cannon file, planning to deliver it back to base. Tek again exclaims "Solar Plexus!" when he discovers he is trapped by a giant monster.

Abraxxia has stolen the inhibitor cannon plans. It appears that Abraxxia is either working for The Brazilian or at least allied with him. Episode cliffhangs.

Operation: Destiny's Underbelly: Entrapped!: A Tek Jansen Adventure Original Airdate: September 18, 2006 Tek's expression of surprise: Haley's Comet! Episode Synopsis: Tek Jansen has been captured by The Brazilian's army of Magwad henchmen. He has been strapped to a metal table and is about to be attacked by lasers, saws, and hypodermic needles. He needs to reach a control panel to shut the machines off. He flips his toe ring off his toe, which sets off an unlikely chain of events eventually leading to a feather landing on the "Emergency Torture Stop" button. The machines shut off, and Tek jumps off the table. He runs toward the exit, but is suddenly confronted by a giant tiger. Tek exclaims "Haley's Comet!" and prepares to fight the tiger. Just then, the tiger is shot dead by two young space cadets, named Kevin and Jenny. Tek and the cadets set off to stop the Brazilian. The Brazilian watches from his spaceship as his inhibitor cannon sucks away New Earth's clouds. Tek and the cadets arrive at the Brazilian's ship. Tek tells the Brazilian that he is under "Alpha arrest." The Brazilian pretends to surrender, but fires his deadly ray gun at Tek. Cadet Kevin pushes Tek out of the way, but is killed himself. Tek screams "NO!!!" and the Brazilian leaves in an escape pod as Tek is screaming. Jenny cries at Kevin's death, but is consoled by Tek as they embrace. Tek and Jenny make love, with Jenny saying "Oh Tek, you've obviously had hundreds of girlfriends." Tek and Jenny start getting dressed after having made love. Tek suggests they get something to eat. Jenny turns into a giant space creature and says it is hungry to eat Tek Jansen. Tek exclaims "Venus Flytrap!" Episode cliffhangs.

Operation: Aurora Strikes Midnight: Courage's Arrival: A Tek Jansen Adventure Original Airdate: October 11, 2006 Tek's expression of surprise: Astro Glide! Episode synopsis: mundane, yet amusing, clip of routine spaceship docking procedure Orbit Controller: Ahoy, Tek Jansen. Prepare to initiate docking sequence. Tek Jansen: Roger that, activating plasma locks. Control: Plasma locks, check. Tek: Okay, Theta Zeus Aquarius, ready to deploy landing struts. Control: Go for aft landing struts. Tek: Deploying aft landing struts. (Aft landing struts deploy) Control: Go for forward landing struts. Tek: Deploying forward landing struts. (Forward landing struts deploy) Control: Go for center landing struts. Tek: Deploying center landing struts. (center landing struts deploy) Control: Go for secondary landing struts. Tek: Deploying secondary... (now slightly annoyed) you know what? I'll just go ahead and deploy all the landing struts, how's that? (several additional landing struts deploy) Tek: All right, preparing thruster cascade (Tek presses a series of buttons) Control: Alter hover pattern 3 marks to port. Tek: 3 marks port, check. Control: Too far, back one mark starboard. Tek: 1 mark starboard, check. Control: You're pitched up a little. Tek: I see that. Control: Watch your yaw. Tek: I'm watching my yaw! Tek eventually lands his ship. The hangar recompresses, and Tek is allowed to disembark. As he does so, he is confronted with a giant Dinosaur. Episode cliffhangs.

Operation: Homecoming's Doorstep: Cat On A Luniharp: A Tek Jansen Adventure Original Airdate: December 6, 2006 Tek's expressions of surprise: Saturn Ion!/Parumpum/Apollo Creed! Episode Synopsis: Tek must fulfill his oath to the exotic holodancer Eueaiaua to cure Quadrant 5 of the Rasalgethian Plague. Aboard Admiral Allandorfer's ship, Tek oversees the shipment of Muguffacillin to the Beta Orphans on Hospital Planet Roman Numeral Four. He meets the Admiral's daughter Juliex, who has recently returned from the Galactic Academy. Juliex is twice as sensual as any woman Tek has ever seen. Juliex tells Tek he looks like has has had hundreds of girlfriends. Tek then displays his own considerable charms, only to be interrupted by an attacking Bizlarnian Battlewedge. The mini rays and tiny fighters are no match for the Bizlarnian shields, so Tek volunteers to fight them mano a warship. An ensign suggests they use the Big Gun to defend themselves. Admiral Allandorfer orders the Big Gun fired, vaporizing the Bizlarnian ship, a satellite, Hospital Planet Roman Numeral Four, and a star. Once again, Tek has saved the day. Tek and Juliex retire to a nearby airlock for recreational intercourse, but they are interrupted when the airlock door mysteriously opens. Tek and Juliex are almost sucked out into space, with Tek clinging to the airlock doorframe and Juliex clinging to Tek's man-root. Episode cliffhangs.

The Tek Jansen Alpha Squad 7 Theme Song: A Tek Jansen Adventure

The next exciting episode is just three parsecs away!

Sidekick
Tek's sidekick is Porpy, a nutty, zany space porpoise. Porpy's hilarious adventures with Tek are guaranteed to make you smile.

Chicks Tek Jansen has banged

 * Melinda Gates

Note: Abraxxia, Tek's most sensual nemesis, may also be spelt Abraxia as this is from the original text.

Nemeses of Tek Jansen

 * Abraxia
 * The Brazilian
 * Thermond Chang
 * those affiliated with the Thermond Chang Gang

Other Tek Jansen Expressions Of Surprise
Star Jones! Sun Ra! Pluto Nash! Mars Blackmon! Mercury Monarch!