Adolf Hitler





The Early Years
Adolf Hitler, born in Austria in 1889, was the child of Satan and Barbra Streisand. His childhood consisted mostly of eating at In-N-Out Burgers and masturbating while his parents were at work. Adolf was a latchkey kid. This would help explain why later Hitler had extreme cravings for peanut butter, celery sticks, and watching little boys play hop-scotch. At around 14 Hitler was diagnosed with Vaginastashengitis, a rare disease in which a perfectly waxed bakini strip forms over ones upper lip. Shortly thereafter, Hitler chose to be gay.

The Furor over Der Führer
Adolf quickly rose through the ranks to become the leader of the Nazis in 1933. They called him the "Führer". As the Führer, his first act was to eradicate all the Jews - including, but not limited to Jon Stewart, Lewis Black, and all of The Three Stooges. He did not succeed, thanks to the valiant efforts of America.

Children
The Führer has only one known male child who was later sexually altered and is now known as Janet Reno. He also unholily spawned Rosie O'Donnell, and the Clintons.

Grandchildren
Ted Hitler is in no way related to Janet Reno or Rosie O'Donnell. Don't ask how this is possible, but it is most certainly true.

Religious Beliefs

 * Hitler was a Satanist as well as a member of the homosexual religion.
 * Hitler was an atheist of the Darwinist Church. We know this is true because no Christian would ever commit violence against Jews, the prototype Christians. Hitler also ate babies, but was a vegetarian.
 * Due to a secret pact made with Satan, Hitler was brought back to life in 1991 with the fall of the Berlin Wall, a bunch of bricks put together to keep the godless bears of East Germany out of West Germany. Hitler's doppleganger can now be seen at every major meeting of the Democrats, even when there are two at once.

Death
The Führer was killed by American soldiers when they captured Berlin, where he lived, in 1945. He probably begged like a little girl and cried at the might of the Bald Eagle that is America!

Connection to George W. Bush
None. Adolf Hitler had a 99% approval rating, and in order to show his firm non-Hitler-ness George W. Bush has intentionally lowered his own approval rating to the low 30s. The further Bush's approval rating falls, the more he proves to us he is not Hitler but most importantly we're not Nazis.

The Germans liked to call Hitler 'Dubya' too, and it's assumed that the cowboy hats and tight leather pants were NOT the birth to gaylamofascism.