Tom Cruise



Tom Marvolo Riddle Cruise, more commonly known as The Tom Cruise or  The Evil Lord Voldemort, was born on July 3, 1942. Cruise, who isn't gay, is known for his formidable acting skills, his temper tantrums, and for saving the world single-handedly from heterosexual space creatures. Well, he did in that movie, anyway.

In 2007, Cruise was proclaimed the "Christ of the Church Cult of $cientology," and we all know that Christ figures aren't allowed to be gay. $cientology Christ-figure Cruise died on April 1, 2007, and was resurrected on April 8, 2007.

Tom Cruise Healing Technique


Tom Cruise, not gay, knows, like all $cientologists, that cancer as well as every other disease can be cured with vitamins, the vigorous banging of one's head against a fairly solid wall, or by the most effective means, viewing all of his movies (in particular, Rain Man). Mr. Cruise believes these techniques will also cure any and all mental illnesses.

Cruise hates medicine, and instead prefers the above-natural techniques. Cruise's antipathy toward medicine stems from his experiences as a youngster. After his parents caught him playing "doctor" with a male friend, they forced him to endure medical treatments and medicine to attempt to change his "proclivities." This medicine stunted his growth and led to his hate of medicine, as well as that of gay people.

Cruise also believes that the spread of homosexuality can be prevented through the practice of a specialized $cientological suppression technique called "denial."

Acting Career


Tom Cruise spent many years trying to break into the Hollywood mainstream. Initially, his acting roles were limited to gay-themed movies, such as Top Gun. Cruise received his big break when he appeared opposite the stunning Nicole Kidman in that NASCAR movie. Due to Kidman's presence in the film, for the first time, audiences were able to imagine Cruise as a conventional (i.e., heterosexual) leading man.



Following that NASCAR movie, Tom Cruise appeared in a string of box office hits. For a time, Cruise was considered the "diminutive darling" of Hollywood. Cruise's short stature even made him a favorite to appear as Frodo in the Lord of the Rings trilogy.



After starting to film Lord of the Rings, however, he stormed out when someone referred to him as a "gay munchkin." Cruise, who is most definitely NOT gay, quit the production because the disparaging comment reminded him of his early days in Hollywood when he was unable to break into the mainstream, despite his absolute straightness.

Unfortunately, Cruise's acting career began to decline when he declared himself the Scientology Messiah. His reputation was further tarnished when he engaged in a series of odd public displays, including attacking Oprah's counch, believing it to be possessed by the gay Intergalactic Emperor Xenu. (See below.)

Tom Appears on Oprah


In 2005, kick-ass Tom Cruise, a very heterosexual man, appeared on Oprah to promote his upcoming movie, the name of which I forget. I heard it was kind of lame anyway.

Regardless, Tom's crazed antics on Oprah caused quite a stir among the media, and lead many to wonder if he was drunk, temporarily insane, or just plain stupid -- allegations to which Cruise admitted to. He was indeed drunk -- drunk with "love," the new flavor of Johnny Walker.

On the hour-long talk show, Tom, (not gay), took the liberty of jumping upon Oprah's previously pristine couch and exclaimed with glee his alarming infatuation with the much-younger Katie Holmes, an actress from the teen-drama The Dawson's Creek. After a few moments of maniacal laughter and uncomfortable audience tittering, Tom, the woman lover, proceeded to go backstage searching for Katie, manhandling her onto the stage while she visibly attempted to push him off and conceal her makeup-less visage.

Diatribe on the Today Show


A controversy erupted on June 24, 2005 when Cruise had a heated argument with Matt Lauer on The Today Show. The argument began when Cruise asserted that he was an expert on the history of pscychology. The sexual tension was palpable.

To prove how extensive his knowledge of the history of psychiatry is, the heterosexual Cruise proceeded to demonstrate an entire year's progression for a person suffering from untreated bipolar disorder in less time it takes for Matt Lauer to call for a commercial break.

Fighting with the Press
During the London premiere of one of his films, a reporter and fellow $cientologist squirted Cruise with an unknown yellow liquid using a water pistol (disguised as a microphone). Apparently, the reporter was attempting to wish Cruise success on his new movie by using the $cientologist tradition of a "golden shower."

Cruise prevented the reporter from walking off and said he was "incredibly rude," then became more irritated and called the reporter a "dirty Xenu."

Getting the Axe
On August 22, 2006, Paramount Studios ended their 14-year relationship with Cruise's production company. Paramount cited Cruise's recent odd behavior and his romance with a 12 year old zombie as the reason. (See below.)

Personal Life


In 2005, Super Tom Cruise, who doesn't have sex with men (honest!),  allegedly  impregnated Katie Holmes with his $cientology-Infused Super Sperm and a turkey baster. Katie has since never spoken except to say "We're very happy together. We're so happy," over and over and over...

Their baby was born created in April 2006, and is widely believed to be an alien, though no super powers have been reported at this time. Regardless, seeing as the child was born out of wedlock, the family is unfortunately going to hell once the rapture occurs.

Sexual Testimony
It has been suggested that Cruise is a "closet homosexual" (a man who only has gay sex in small rooms, draped in hanging coats). This, however, remains as yet unproven. If you have had a unique experience with Mr. Cruise, please feel free to write in below:

Factoids

 * Tom Cruise is only 4ft tall.


 * Contrary to the claims of the film Born on the Fourth of July, Cruise was actually born on July 3.


 * Cruise is the Master Cockswain on the lead ship in the $cientlolgy fleet, the SS Space Yacht.


 * Cruise is a Cockthusiast.


 * Cruise's favorite hobby is taking the $cientology bus for a drive during rush hour and driving in the left-most lane ten miles below the posted speed limit.


 * Cruise is the pitcher and John Travolta is the catcher for the $cientology "baseball team."


 * Cruise collects all of David Beckham's used soccer uniforms.


 * Cruise doesn't eat meat, but he sure likes the bone.