The Fine Arts


 * The Fine Arts is NOT to be confused with a Doctor of Fine Arts! They are totally different.

The Fine Arts are a disgusting byproduct of the Public Education system in the United States. These "arts" are fine only in their effectiveness of turning our daughters into radical lesbians, and our sons into either socially-awkward closet homosexuals, or part of the Autistic fad.

How can one tell whether their son or daughter is studying one of the Fine Arts? One way is to use the "Iraq-litmus" test. If this learned skill is not something that they could use to aid in the defeat of terrorists in Iraq, then it is a Fine Art (that mean's you too Algebra!). Although, in consequence of the hit Al Jazeera show, Iraq's Best Dance Crew, this could soon change.

Art

 * Main article: Art

Art is a way for lesbians and homos to satisfy their sick and sexually immoral urges by painting/sculpting/photographing people in the nude. Because if God wanted us to be naked, we would have been born that way, instead of being covered in slime.

Painting
Painting is often considered a "Gateway Art". For once a person studies painting at a young age, they are more likely to perform and abuse more damaging kinds of art. The curious and confused young females who do fall prey to this are called "painters". As you could guess, a Painter is female who paints pictures for fun, but it is also synonymous with the word lesbian.

The thing that makes painting so dangerous is that no matter how bad a painting is, it is still considered art. The artist doesn't even have to be human. One such example is a painting that a (now abundant) common Elephant painted (see right). Think of it this way, anyone who swings a bat is not automatically a member of Major League Baseball, nor any one who sleeps in a public park wearing urine soaked snow pants in July is automatically homeless.

Sculpture
Sculpting is art of molding clay or stone into a hard erect statue. To be even more gay, these statues or sculptures are always naked (also, usually without limbs). Even statues that include representations of animals have full exposure of genitals. Except for feeding an unhealthy sado-bestiality appetite, otherwise what sense does it make spending 3½ hours chiseling a 16-inch horse cock?

Photography
Photography in itself does not displease Jesus. But when a picture is purposely created to be blurry, unclear of what the hell they are taking a picture of, being discolored, in black and white film, containing pretentious nudity, or some other artsy effect is another story indeed.

Avid photographers are usually Japanese or J.A.P.'s (Jewish-American Princesses), using the latest and sharpest cameras, but still manage to create photos that look as if they were shot by a 4-year old. These photos are considered even more artsy if they look like they were taken in the 19th century. Because of the chemicals that are used to process the film, photographers always smell like nasty farts.

Gang Signs
Graffiti is sometimes known as "urban art", but mostly it is a method of communication between packs of ill-dressed youths. It is also increasingly used by Mexicans near the the Mexican border to aid their drug smuggling efforts into the United States, as well as informing one another where (literal) holes exist in the border defense.

However, historically not all graffiti has been bad, especially when used against the Communists. One such example is in the case of the Berlin Wall. For the entire 30 years of the walls existence, free West Berliners continuously applied fresh layers of neon and florescent paint until the wall became such an eye sore that Ronald Reagan demanded that it be torn down, and the world obeyed.

Music

 * Main article: Music

Music of the Fine Arts (also known as the "Performing Arts") is the process of using instruments or voice in ways designed to bore the listener. Boring the listener through music has occurred since the dawn of mankind (approx. 6000 years ago).

A distinction should be made however, between good music (such as wholesome, Anglo-Saxon-originated Jazz, Country, and Hymns), and the music of the Fine Arts. This type of music, often called "Classical Music", is music you hear during the Star Wars

Musical Instruments Of The Fine Arts
Musical instruments can be either "Brass" or "Woodwind" instruments. Some might say that there are "Percussion" instruments too, but who cares? All it is, is people banging sticks against things.

Woodwinds

 * Bassoon - Except for when being played by the bassoon virtuoso Stephen Colbert, this instrument has the sound of a bullfrog playing the Bagpipes.


 * Clarinet - Clarinets are played by fat chicks or by boys who are too effeminate to play on the football team.


 * Oboe - The oboe is the most tonally unstable instrument, played by the most mentally unstable people. While the tone of a well tuned oboe is said to be beautiful, no one has successfully tuned the instrument in over 50 years...If not in tune, it sounds more like a gaggle of wild geese.


 * Saxophone - Not to be confused with the "Sex-o-Phone", the favorite of Bill O'Reilly, a saxophone is a woodwind instrument (even though it is made of brass) who thinks it is cooler than all the other instruments in the band.


 * Flute - Flutes are wasteful and dangerous because in it's playing, it utilizes the nimble fingers of a women who would be otherwise sewing, knitting, or doing other household chores. Flute players usually make good breeding stock.

Brass

 * Trumpet - This instrument should only be used by God to announce himself. Because of this, unfortunately the instrument is played primarily in cults, and by other false prophets.  So if you see a trumpet player (That isn't God (very important distinction!)), stone them to death.


 * Trombone - A trombone of non-rusty variety are often played by the Bumpin' Uglies of the band. Uncoincidentally trombones are always in the back row, farthest from the conductor.


 * Skin Flute - The Skin Flute is a widely popular instrument among boys beginning around the age of 13. Many teens and young men seem to be virtuosic in their ability to master this instrument.

Famous Composers
Almost as important responsible as the instruments, composers where the people who are just as guilty for writing the aural boredom that is played by musicians today.


 * Mozart - A German composer famous for having seemingly new sonnets "discovered" and published long after his death. Having died at the age of 35 due to a Vampire attack might make the above scenario more than a coincidence.
 * Beethoven - The fact that he was deaf and wrote classical music, tells you all you need to know about the quality of classical music.
 * Sebastian Bach - He was a Canadian Heavy Metal singer for the band "Skid Row". Best known for writing artistic and sophisticated lyrics such as, "Bang Bang Shoot 'em up, The party never ends / You can't think of dying when the bottle's your best friend."
 * Tchaikovsky - This bear-loving commie wrote music that was distinctly Russian (his sixth symphony was aptly titled the Pathétique). Like a typical Russian, he was unsociable and avoided social contact whenever possible.  Did I almost forget to mention that he was a homosexual?
 * Chopin - A Polish Jew who was married to Ludwika Jędrze jew icz. He died shortly after, and had a "death mask" molded out of his face.  He liked to play the piano a lot.

Dance

 * Main article: Dance

Dancing is a sinful ritual in which one randomly flails his/her appendages to music. To a proper person, dancing is never acceptable unless it is used for the sole purpose of aiding in the courtship of a potential husband/wife.

People who dance
Unfortunately, dance is more often used by many hell-bound peoples as a method to directly or indirectly worship the Devil. Pagans dance in a circle around a tree, or some other sort of golden idol. But maybe these pagan heathens should dance more, it would help them lose some of that excess weight. Like pagans, Indians also dance around in a circle, usually because they think it will produce rain. Little do they know, the land their reservation is on hasn't produced a drop of rain in 3 years.

Witches dance in a way that is very pleasing to The Baby Satan, because they are worshiping their dark lord, Nancy Pelosi. In addition to dancing, these witch gatherings usually include the practice of blood orgies and fetus eating contests. Hippies on the other hand are so doped up from smoking drugs that their dancing is often a series of involuntary movements.

Variations of dance

 * Ballet - Ballet was created in France and Russia. That pretty much in itself tells you all you need to know about ballet.


 * Pole Dancing - Despite being a more American dance, little is known about pole dancing. It is rumored that it is widely practiced in neon light-adorned rural establishments just outside of city limits.


 * Break dancing - Break dancing may look cool, but it should be avoided because is very dangerous. One is in grave danger of spraining or even fracturing their wrist while Break dancing.  No wrist should have to undergo that amount of stress.


 * Minuet - If one has to dance, the Minuet is one of the few dances that is acceptable to a civilized person. This formal dance ensures that dance partners are never closer than two feet from each other at any point.  And of course, to dance the Minuet one must be properly dressed in the finest bodices, stomachers, petticoats, corsets, capotains, breeches, and doublets.


 * Tap Dancing - Tap dancing is a method of dancing that is specifically designed to annoy the hell out of anyone nearby. Tap dancers take sadistic glee from this fact.  The average age for a tap dancer is 8 years old.

Theatre
Theatre is not to be confused with the Movie industry. All to often Real Americans have been inadvertently "queered-out" by entering a production they assumed was a movie, only to find out (after entering, and being locked in until intermission) that it is something much more insidious. For example, one might think they they were seeing a re-release of the 1996 film The Crucible, in which Winona Ryder is hung like the witch that she is. Instead they suffer through a 4-hour borefest in which involved no explosions and no promised witches being hung.

Are you in a Theatre or Theater?
The ensure that the above scenario never happens to you, the chart below outlines some key differences between a "Theater" and a "Theatre".

Who makes this crap?
Actors, also known as Thespians (short for "Theatre Lesbians")

Stage Hands -

Do Not See

 * Opera
 * Jazz
 * Ballerina
 * Representative Art
 * Cats (Broadway show)
 * Postmodernism
 * Mozart
 * Bard
 * Poetry