History of calculus

When Stephen Colbert invented Mathematics in 12000 BC he broke it up into several different areas: geometry, algebra, and calculus. Stephen controlled geometry and algebra until mathologists stole it from him at the beginning of the 20th century.

He left calculus in the hands of a young and nimble physicist named Kent Ames. Much of calculus is derived from Mr Ames' personal habits. For example, the Integral Sign was actually derived from the way Mr Ames used to write his cursive f's.



Mr Ames originally used calculus to defeat the bears in the historic battle of Sweden, the decisive turning point in the man-bear wars. The battle of Sweden was a 2 year long battle, thousands of people dying on either side. In the second year of the war, the bears gained an upper-hand as. As the grizzly bears (the military wing of the bears) led what looked to be the final, deadly assault on the humans, Ames tied them up using the chain rule. After realizing how dangerous calculus could be in the wrong hands, Ames stored it away.

Near the end of the 17th century, Ames decided it was finally time to introduce calculus back into society. Ames, who had been working as a freelance bear-killer, was living in the United States of Canada when he decided that it was time to show the world calculus. Ames was drafting an explanation of calculus, which he was planning to send to baby George Washington, while enjoying a coffee at the first Canadian Starbucks. Ames accidentally left the draft on his table, where Isaac Newton (then working as a bus-boy under the name "Isaac McCoward") found them. Newton then sailed to England where he would publicize his "theory" of Calculus and even be knighted. Many years later, Ames tracked Newton down and asked for an apology. Being the snooty, constipated British Lord Newton was, he refused. Ames then challenged him, and slew Newton in the famous West Minster Abbey duel.

The rest of calculus is history. Some people will try and tell you calculus is just another type of mathematics. They are wrong, calculus is more than just math, it is the divine power that gave man freedom.