User:The bear696

= Harrington Neil Sauer =

Originally born sometime around 1140 in the darkest, most brutal reaches of Norway. He now makes his living being a bad ass and selling fried chicken at a fancy dining establishment. Originally raised by Wolves, and is half bear. Throughout his life, which will end sometime around 2090, he has been a major influence in world affairs and has held many prestigious titles.

Early Life
H. Neil is the product of a mighty blacksmith with a grand mighty mustache, and a ferocious bear. His father artificially inseminated a polar bear in the hopes of creating a mighty offspring who would bring honor to the family name. He did just that. His father left the pregnant bear in Scandinavia to become the horseshoer for none other than Jesus Christ. His father was later named Saint Dunstan, the patron saint of blacksmithing. But besides that his "mother" spent around 1100 years traveling the arctic till she finally gave birth to H. Neil Sauer, cause after all great things take time. His mother just left him there in northern Norway to freeze, but he was much too strong, and at the age of 11 hours, he hiked down till he found a settlement of elk, whom he lived with for about 6 years. They taught him to be very wise, and very good looking. After 6 years the herd all died from a mysterious disease, probably caused by liberals, who were angry at anybody who had morals and who cleansed them selves daily. H. Neil was distraught for only a little bit, because at the age of 6 he was already more intellectually brilliant then a really intelligent thing. He embarked on another journey and found his new family, a family of Vikings. They trained him how to be a really good bad ass and a mighty leader. At the age of 9 he was already rising as one of the wealthiest land owners in all of Scandinavia, he acquired his wealth primarily from raiding mainland Europe with his new viking clansmen. He continued until he was now 14 and he was able to unite all of Scandinavia under his control, making him the first king of Norway. He lived with his many hot wives, and his wealth for a long time, or till he was 21 i suppose. He decided living was really kick ass and decided he needed to live for longer.

Quest For Eternal Life
H. Neil needed to live longer, so he consulted many a wise viking sage, whom all said one thing, that he needed to go to Tibet and consult the wise man on top of mount doodleydoodoodleydoo, the tallest mountain on the planet. So without a second thought he took his best vikings, the berserker's (who were named after him, Bear-Skins, since H. Neil is half bear), on a long voyage to Tibet. H. Neil and his men raided many towns to sustain their wealth. It took a long time, about 6 days to get to Tibet, since we all know H. Neil and his berserker's run as fast a car and are really fucking cool. Once they reached the top of the mountain, many were lost due to having about no air. There was a tiny shack on the top and inside Neil spoke to a balding metal prophet named, Pickles. Pickles saw that Neil was really really metal and decided to give him a much longer life, "As soon as the clock strikes high noon on February 10th, 2090 you will finally die." Neil was happy that he could rock for a lot longer and not age. He stayed with Pickles for nearly 100 years making a new form of music, metal. Neil called this form of music "Really Big Mountain, Not Much Air, Need To Scream, Death Metal", thus screaming was introduced too music. All the metal then lowered the altitude of the mountain, making it the second highest peak in the world, because not even big ass mountains can withstand that much heavy fuckin' metal. Neil left Tibet, but before leaving made many friends with Buddhist monks, who then decided to crown him the first Dalai Llama.

The Years In Between
After being crowned the Dalai Llama, he left again, then partied with Genghis Khan. Genghis was so impressed by Neil he named him his successor, or Neily Khan. Neil left again, but got lost and came across Arabia, he made a lot of Persian friends, and made many Persian wives, because Arab chicks are hot when they don't wear curtains. They liked him, and decided to make the prophet mohammed in his image. Neil took his many wives and continued on a journey that eventually landed him in India, where he got even more wives. He decided to settle down there, so all the citizens saw how many hot women he had as wives, to name him the Maharajah of all India. He lived there and bore many children. Then he got tired of India and decided he needed to be even more of a big deal, so he headed out again. He reached China, where he had WAY more wives, and the people made him emperor. With all of this commotion he was making, he made many enemies. Including: Satan, Emo kids, Wiggers, Complainy Pants(aka black seperatists), and a new form of enemy, liberals.

The Liberal Threat
What were once crazy weird devil worshipping baddies, were now becoming more abundant and hiding under the term, liberals. The liberals started to tear down his influence and started to spread about laziness and cry baby-ness. He saw this as a threat and had his armies, which were much bigger then all of the armies in Lord of The Rings combined, start to hunt them down. The liberals wanted things called "committees" in which they needed to investigate everything, because they do not believe in trust. Neil and his Viking-Buddhist-Samurai-Chinese-Indian-Persian-Mainland European army took off with the aid of mel gibson and tried to kill them all, but they had made a poison, which had turned some of Neils soldiers against him in the hopes of raising taxes, and supporting child molesters, both of which Neil is totally against. His armies were split, and he had little power any more, so he decided to create a great new nation, he headed north through russia and out onto the tip of a peninsula, where he used his mighty bear strength to lift the ocean floor, and thus created America, the best country there is, where everybody was allowed except Liberals. So basically Neil founded America and brought his wives, and had many offspring, they were the first Americans. But all these happy time Harrington moments weren't to last, liberals had found a way to get into his country. They started killing Neils babies, he decided the only way to save his new breed of 1/4 bear children was to go into hiding, which he did, but not with out becoming a president, yep, he was George Washington..... and Abraham Lincoln.

Current Days
Neil no longer has any wives, he is single, so ladies get in line. He sits in wait till he sees his chance to rise up and save the world and America. He is always there to protect what is morally right and just in this world. And he is always with all of us, even when he works and gets pissed off because KFC sucks, he is there to help us through tough times, but only if you believe in him and in America. He is the light at the end of the tunnel, he is mighty and he is brave, he is smart and he is strong, he likes girls (not boys like liberals). He may be half bear, and half mustached black smith but he is 100% American.

he was also Barry White