John Edwards



John Edwards is the son of a mill worker and the Former Democratic Senator from North Carolina who tried to take credit for the Republican war on low minimum wages in the United States.

Career


Hosted a daytime talk show where liberals and hippies ask questions about their dead relatives, then the former Senator pulls lies out his ass to answer these so-called "questions".



Future
He will be visited very soon by the FBI for his not-so-veiled threat against the sitting Vice President, Dick Cheney and his affiliation with NAMBLA.

The former Senator has strong ties to tree huggers, Nazi's, hippies and democrats. The former Senator has recently declared his intentions to run for President. This will never happen as God hates Democrats.

May one day be influential once he starts shaving.

Bills Introduced in the Senate

 * 1) Future United Communist America Bill (FUC America Bill)
 * 2) Limited Introductory Bereavement Entitlement Reparations Against Life Bill (LIBERAL Bill)
 * 3) Retroactive Entitlement Towards American/Russian Deities Bill (RETARD Bill)
 * 4) America Supports Underlying Communist Sympathizers Bill (America SUCS Bill)

Fun Fracts

 * John Edwards was a Trial Lawyer. His wife Elizabeth Edwards was an English Professor.  Why not just come right out and admit that they're Satanists?


 * John Edwards' current employer was once "colorfully" described by the non-racist Jesse Helms as the "University of N*s and Communists." It is also the institution that produced Dixie-hater Thomas Schaller.  John Edwards seems to want to distance himself from both Jesse's proud Southern heritage and Schaller's acamedian type liberal stylings.  Some people think of this tactic as "playing down the middle" or "hedging your bets."  Personally, I imagine John as a bland vanilla pudding that takes on the flavor of whatever cookie you dip in him.




 * Someone met John Edwards while out for dinner with friends one night in Chapel Hill, NC. There were two particularly interesting things about this meeting, from "someone's" perspective: first, John Edwards gave me an unsolicited, sorta creepy, unwanted backrub.  Second, let's just say that a "member" of "Edwards' staff" seemed particularly "erect" during a chance encounter with my friend's shoulder.  Lesson: there is such a thing as "too friendly," John.


 * The Colbert Report was the first to break the story that, according to an unnamed source, John Edwards had a steamy one night stand with Muqtada al Sadr. Stephen Colbert later revealed that his "unnamed source" was his very own new blog Integrityjustice.com - and their reputation for integrity justice is right there in the name!


 * His dad never says, "I'm the father of a trial lawyer".