Jessica Simpson

Jessica Ann Simpson, or better known as Boobs, is greatly loved by the Baby Jesus and Stephen Colbert. Her rise to fame was complete when on her hit show Newlyweds: Nick and Jessica, she posed the philosophical question of “is this Chicken or is it Fish?”

Early Life
Jessica Simpson was born on June 10, 1980 in Abilene Texas.



Her Intellect
Jessica is one of the greatest minds of our time. Her brilliance can be likened to that of Albert Einstein. Jessica’s genius is rivaled in modern day only by the likes of Stephen Colbert, The Greatest President Ever and Paris Hilton.

A Humanitarian
Jessica is also a well known and admired humanitarian. On an episode of The Newlyweds she politely declined Buffalo Wings, stating “I don’t eat buffalo”. Though all evil Bear loving Liberals are humanitarians, Jessica is a different and better kind. She loves kittens, puppies and the Baby Jesus, but not Bears.

Singing Career
Jessica launched a wave of pop-stars, the likes of which had never been seen before. Mrs. Simpson tried a new and innovative approach to signing, selling her image as well as her music. This had never been done before, contrary to popular belief. There is proof that Bears broke into all online databases and changed dates on everything to make it look like Jessica Simpson copied Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera, riding the wave of the pop sensation. In reality it was the other way around, Christina and Britney were really clinging to Jessica’s coattails.

Guinness Jessica Quotes
“You've done a nice job decorating the White House." —Pop star Jessica Simpson, upon being introduced to Interior Secretary Gale Norton while touring the White House.

“I don’t want people walking out of a movie thinking I was trying to act.” “She’s got double D’s. You can’t cover those suckers up!” Jessica’s dad on her breasts.

I’m not anorexic. I’m from Texas. Are there people from Texas that are anorexic? I’ve never heard of one. And that includes me.” (This is true according to my gut, there are no documented cases of anorexic girls in the state of Texas).

"Well, 23 is old! It's almost 25 which is almost mid-twenties"

"I love the smell of these candles, I wonder what are they again?" Jessica checks the label "Oh, unscented."