Arizona

Discovery
Arizona was discovered by people trying desperately to go somewhere else. After many years, and I mean MANY freaking years, Arizona was "discovered" by monks. Even though the word made me initially think of Cornelius and Zira and Dr. Zaius, it turns out that monks are guys who live alone together and copy old books, which really ought to make you appreciate that your job isn't that boring after all. Anyhow. The monks created a series of monasteries, the paths between which eventually became the Arizona State Highway System. The monks assisted travelers with their chant, "Do not leave the roadway. You will get stuck in the sand." The monks eventually left Arizona and went to Mexico.

History
Once the monks left, Arizona became a part of the Old West, a place where men with guns shot at each other and had sex with "painted ladies," who were usually women. After that, people on motorcycles called "Indians" (the motorcycles, not the people) arrived and developed a wide variety of small businesses, most based on the knowledge that most customers were likely on their way somewhere else. In the modern era, Arizona was admitted to the union as the forty-somethingth state.

Achieving Statehood
Franklin Delano Roooooosevelt forced the admission of Arizona to the United States in the belief that the monks who lived there would support his attempt to pack the US Supreme Court and thus turn America into a socialist (which means communist) country. Rooooooosevelt's plan failed, however, when his wife Eleanor visited the state and alienated the vendors who lived there.

Arizona Today
Currently Arizona is under construction. Those who have passed through report that the state is apparently attempting to prevent people who enter from exiting. This is being done through a calculated system of highway construction that is never completed. Arizona also has a significant increase since the 1990's in so called " hip" fake socialists who have invaded the quaint town of Scottsdale, a satellite of Phoenix. Since then Scottsdale, and the rest of Arizona has become a bastion of communism and" boutiques "

Arizona Landmarks
The Grand...something. Oh yes, the grand colbert statue in the center of the states capitol, Phoenix, and I think they hap a painted mountain or somethibg. State officials hope that Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice will move to the state once America's Greatest President leaves office.

Famous Arizonianses
Stephen Colbert was named an Honorary Arizonian by an act of the State Legislature earlier this year. Otherwise, there have been no significant Arizonians. Oh, wait. Barry Goldwater was from Arizona. I think.

A Typical Day in Arizona
Most days begin with comments about the weather. This is followed by a nutritious breakfast of high-fiber, low-fat foods. After breakfast, conversations about the day's heat factor index are common. By lunch time, most Arizonians are more than ready to get back inside to the air-conditioning. Lunch is followed by "siesta time," when Arizonians doze off while looking out the window, watching Mexican gardeners work. Early-bird dinners are served from 3:30 to 5:45 p.m. Full prices are charged after 5:45. Don't bother arguing about the correct time. Just get there early, is that asking so much? All Arizonians end the day with several hours of FOX News, followed by the Colbert Report and then quickly to bed, to gain the rest necessary to make it through the next day, which is supposed to be even hotter, Jesus Christ, if you can imagine that.

Tube Sources

 * Charitable Organizations in
 * Canada's China
 * Arizona joins the fight against hippies and liberals!