The Colbert Report/Episode/503

SEGMENT1

 * Big news Caroline Kennedy has
 * Dr. Colbert has been working on his Caroline Kennedy imitation for weeks
 * he consents to perform for The Heroes; it is magical
 * all that's missing is a wig and an enomous set of teeth

An Historic Day

 * Obama and Roberts free-balled the oath


 * Stephen loves improv, suggesting they do it again as a Western or a SciFi


 * they do the oath again after everyone has left


 * Near-President Obama
 * Stephen swears on a Bible before brushing his teeth otherwise his teeth won't know if he's serious about tartar control


 * there is no formal name for what Obama and Roberts did


 * Ben Franklin's idea to call whoever is on camera (stage) gets to be President into the Constitutuion


 * these troubled times call for more vibrato

UnAmerican News

 * Europe's Obimanya is similar to America's Obamania, except it's played through an alp horn


 * African inauguration ceremony's involve slaughtering the previous President


 * the Palestinians are already disappointed
 * by law they have to feel the opposite of whatever Israel feels


 * Iran put joy back under a burqa


 * the hand of Satan is where it's always been
 * Dick Cheney uses it to make wished


 * China censored parts of Obama's speech
 * Stephen also altered it to take out parts he doesn't like

Better Know A Lobby

 * we entered a new era in Washington, Obama wants to reign in lobbyists
 * Sixth installment, Better Know A Lobby: NAACP, the Fightin' Coloreds!


 * fought key civil rights battles
 * de-segregated schools
 * defeated David Duke in Louisiana


 * Benjamin Jealous
 * he is black


 * he has great timing and great judgment


 * wants a floor for how all people are treated


 * 100 anniversary on February 12th


 * is being stubborn about race and racism


 * when you do well, you reach back to pull forward


 * grab somebody and give them a reach around
 * and a leg up


 * he is satisfied that racism continues


 * by the end of the decade we may put a black man on the moon


 * why not just have everyone be white, then there's not racism


 * he doesn't dream big enough
 * like Dr. King


 * there's a chance that Stephen could be black!

Interview

 * Jon Meacham
 * "American Lion: Andrew Jackson in the White House"
 * wrote a his nickname was old hickory because after he died, they smoked him


 * named after an African animal
 * America's first black President


 * Jackson carried 2 bullets in him
 * could have taken Washington


 * used veto as a political weapons
 * populist
 * founded American populism


 * I am the direct representative of the American people


 * why Jackson now
 * without Jackson, there wouldn't have been a Lincoln


 * Jackson's regrets: shot Calhoun, hanged Henry Clay


 * Meacham bashes South Carolina
 * last time he bashed Stephen's church


 * Jackson's inaugural
 * people clogging on the table
 * lots of beer
 * a big wheel of cheese
 * White House became a frat house


 * Jackson had a solemn oath, sensible address
 * spiked punch was put on the lawn, people crawled out the windows to get it

Epilogue

 * Dr. Colbert reminds the kids that if they're playing at home, the secret word is:
 * "Refreshing Sierra Mist"


 * To be a winner, find the secret word at the grocery store and get your mom to buy all of it!

External Tubes

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