Fred Phelps

Fred Phelps is a Great American, just ask him.

He is a man who loves America so much he has developed a formula used in protecting America's National Security. The "Phelps" is a set of connectivity equations that soldiers, police departments and various intelligence agencies refer to when America is being threatened and time is of the essence.

The Phelps
The Phelps is not available to the terrorists; if it were, it would be a serious breach of National Security. Until his capture 4 days after he attacked America, Osama bin Laden had 5,000 sleeper cells looking for it. Bin Laden was as determined to get the Phelps as he was to kill Bobby Brown.

For Americans indoctrinated by Hollywood, the Phelps is similar to the Kevin Bacon game: you follow the logic from one connection to another until you connect to the necessary threat to America's moral fiber or family values.

Real Americans recognize the Phelps as being similar to the DaColbert Code.

How to Use The Phelps
Due to Pastor Fred's refined intuition, he is able to feel threats to America (and her way of life) before they happen, and much like Jesus he is able to determine how it developed, all the way back to it's origin. Take for instance Pastor Fred's first proclamation: God Hates Fags.

There are some who say that God does not hate fags, but that was before 9/11. And we have Pastor Fred to thank for his revolutionary contribution.

The next application of the corrollary, "God Hates Fags" is the transitive connection, that Fags Hate America, which is a given.

Which brings us the logical conclusion: God Hates America, when it likes Gays, therefore, Pastor Fred must protest at soldiers funerals.

When Pastor Fred first introduced it, many people refused to accept it's pure logic. But now that it is almost time for another election, it has become so clear.