Stephen Colbert

Officially, The Hardest Working Man in Show Business

This article is about Stephen Colbert the hero. For the character he plays in interviews, see Stephen Colbert (character) The Honorable Dr. Stephen Tyrone Colbert DFA (born 1 B.C.) is a news reporter and anchor known for his romantic style, supergravitastic poise, supercalifragilisticoespidalidoso, and witty delivery. He is most famous for his work on The Colbert Report, and as the star of its knock-off, The Daily Show. The first is a hard-hitting editorial show that frequently targets the liberal media elite and other enemies of truthiness. Both are on Comedy Central.
 * For Information on Stephen's Career as a Newscaster, please click here.
 * For Information on Stephen's Political Ambitions, please click here.
 * For Personal or Professional Trivia about Stephen, please click here.

As well as being a former member of both the Marina Core and the A-Team, Colbert is founder of the Stephen and Melinda Gates Foundation, author of the science-fiction novel Stephen Colbert's Alpha Squad 7: Lady Nocturne: A Tek Jansen Adventure‎, and its cartoon spinoff. He is the inventor and owner of the award-winning terms wikiality and truthiness.

Stephen Colbert is not the only true American Citizen who cares for America - just the best you can watch on TV. That is, if you're heroic enough to watch.

Morley Safer called him, "a sunburst of emotion in a time darkened by reason."

Stephen Colbert presently has a majority holding in C-span and is in the process of converting it to a 24x7 BEAR channel dedicated to stalking, tracking and identifying ,the fecal droppings of the most vicious killing machines on the planet. This public service channel will serve as a first alert to warn you of the presence of these furry predators in your area.

Stephen Colbert also is waiting for a opening to a long desired job, World Emperor. Because there are no job openings since Alexander The Great's time, he used his skills to became a news anchor, which is actually a more powerful position anyway.

Personal life
Colbert was born in Washington, D.C. and grew up in Charleston, South Carolina on James Island, where he grew up as the youngest of 11 children in a Catholic family. On September 11, 1974, when Colbert was ten years old, his father, James Colbert, the vice president for academic affairs at the Medical University of South Carolina, and his older brothers, Peter and Paul, were killed in the crash of Eastern Air Lines Flight 212 while it was attempting to land in Charlotte, North Carolina. They were reportedly en route to Connecticut to enroll the two boys in the Canterbury College. He is also 12% black but states that he sees no color in people. Shortly thereafter, Colbert's mother Lorna Colbert relocated the family downtown to the more urban environment of East Bay Street. By his own account, he found the transition difficult, and did not easily make new friends in his new neighborhood. Instead, he developed a love of science fiction and fantasy novels, and became an avid fan of the fantasy role-playing games, especially Dungeons & Dragons, a pastime to which he would later partially attribute his interest in acting and improvisation.

Colbert would do drugs, but said that the only thing keeping him from doing drugs is that they're illegal. So thats why he's againts them

Colbert attended Charleston's awful Episcopalian Porter-Gaud School. He attended Hampden-Sydney College before transferring to Northwestern University, where he took extensive journalism courses. While there, he became involved in the school television news program "A Moment for Truth". After college he went to work at local news affiliate KTRU, as a field reporter.

He is married to Evelyn McGee-Colbert, and has three children: Madeline, Peter, and John; all of whom appeared on The Daily Show during his tenure. However, even after his marriage, he continued his previous connections with NAMBLA and the North American Association for the Prevention of Cruelty to Bald Eagles despite the wishes of his wife and family. He also has a bastard child due to an accident involving Stephen Colbert's Formula 401. This Child is none other than Eric Cartman of the reality T.V. show South Park. Although not particularly political before joining The Daily Show, Colbert is a self-described Defender of Truth, and finds that supporting our president is the most effective way of protecting the truth. His greatest fan is rumored to be a Matthew W, the greatest patriot only next to the great Stephen Colbert.

Jedi
Stephen Colbert is also, secretly, a Jedi master of heroic tales. His prowess with the lightsaber is quite remarkable as evidenced by this footage.

He is also a practicing Roman Catholic, and a Sunday school teacher. Bill O'Reilly jokingly called for a boycott of The Colbert Report during an interview on The Daily Show, because he assumed that the name Colbert was French; which is believed to be a friendly inside joke, considering their obvious close relationship. Actually, O'Reilly and Colbert are frequently seen together sharing dinner and discussing hard-hitting issues like armageddon, U.S.A's world dominance, and watching the Democrats shoot themselves in the foot.

Reincarnation
Though scarcely, if ever, mentioned on his show, Stephen Colbert is an avid reincarnatee. Which historical lives he has led, however, has been a debate among Colbertologists for centuries. Some obvious and probable possibilities are:


 * 1) Adam
 * 2)  Jesus (Some say he is not only reincarnated from the Holy Son but IS the Holy Son. Experts concluded, however, that he is infact both.)
 * 3) Alexander the Great minus the immorality
 * 4)  Moses
 * 5)  The pagan god Zeus (And pretty much his entire family.)
 * 6) George Washington
 * 7)  Abraham Lincoln
 * 8) Abraham of Ur
 * 9) King David and his posterity
 * 10)  Joseph Smith (Though unwanted, this is very likely.)
 * 11) Winston Churchill minus the alcoholism.
 * 12) Martial art sensations Bruce Lee and Chuck Norris (The first being to excrete existence while still alive.)
 * 13)  Senator Joseph McCarthy.
 * 14) Ronald Reagan
 * 15) Barbara Bush
 * 16)  Vātsyāyana
 * 17) William H. Rehnquist
 * 18)  Girish P. Manuel
 * 19) Bill O'Reilly
 * 20) Jack Bauer
 * 21)  James Bond
 * 22) Attila the Hun (mostly the killer instinct)
 * 23) Dr. Gregory House, M.D.

Finances
His investments are so well diversified, he didn't even care when Allen Greenspan retired as Federal Reserve chairman. Even his money makes money.

Stephen Colbert has supernatural, omnipotent powers. He "called" five winners of the Oscars 2006, and predicted that Manilow would win the Emmy and not him. Stephen Colbert can see the future. He also used his omnipotent powers to predict and/or convince the African elephants to increase their population by threefold (this is actually true, you non-believers). If you can see the future, you are God. Therefore, Dr. Colbert is God, if he is not, he is the messiah, Maud-dib if you will.

Religious Curses Against Steven

 * Catholic Excommunication Threat
 * Jewish Death Curse
 * Hindu Eight-Armed Shiva Squeeze
 * Lutheran Thesis Of Death tacked to his door
 * Scientological Death Ray Of Xenu
 * Muslim Fatwa

Musical Prowess
It is generally acknowledged that Stephen Colbert is one of the most influential pundit musicians of all time. He can play guitar very well, having served as the lead singer, songwriter, and guitarist for noted New Wave sensation Stephen and the Colberts, and his singing voice can charm angels down from Heaven with its sweet purity. He is also the greatest known bassoonist in the world and has regular bassoon-offs with Tad, the building manager for "The Colbert Report". Dr. Colbert is also a better pianist than Condoleezza Rice.

Another musical passion that Dr. Colbert has is for the saxophone. His celebrated film, Hiphopketball: A Jazzebration, showed off his incredible saxophone prowess and endeared him to Steely Dan forever.

Although he considers himself a pundit musician and singer foremost, Stephen Colbert is also widely regarded as the greatest newsman dancer - EVER! With grudging admiration (and alliteration), Dan Rather once called Stephen "the Baryshnikov of Braggadocio," while Papa Bear O'Reilly frequently refers to Stephen's "lithe, graceful, can I get a piece of that?" dancer's physique.

Doctorness
Dr. Colbert received a Doctorate of Facty Arts from Steal This Bible College!. With this Doctorate he can perform operations and deliver babies in 4 states and in Guam.


 * Stephen's degree allows him to appear out-of-focus when singing on TV.
 * Aside from Jesus Christ, Stephen is the smartest man alive.

Writerly
Smartest Man Alive Professor Dr. Stephen Colbert, D.F.A., has no need to read books for facts, as he derives all truthiness from his own gut. Nonetheless, Dr. Colbert does occasionally deign to share his unimaginable wisdom in a book-like form, in order to more easily speak to the godless liberals and communist academician types who go for that kind of thing. Dr. Colbert has turned his authorial hand to several magnificent tomes, including
 * Wigfield: The Can-Do Town That Just May Not (Hyperion, 2003), co-written with Amy Sedaris and Paul Dinello
 * America: The Book (Warner Books, 2004), by John Stewart, to which Stephen contributed what are probably the funny parts
 * An as-yet-untitled solo book (Warner Books, forthcoming in September 2007)
 * Parts of the Bible (God, reprint Gutenberg, Time Immemorial). Controversy continues as questions arise about the mysterious relationship between Stephen's writerness and this, the most holiest of bookests.

In addition to the works of journalism above, Stephen has also written several books in the fiction and punditry genres. For more on these, see Stephen's Written Word.

Superpowers
Stephen made the gold market go up with his mind.

Dr. Colbert and The Truthiness Monkeys
The Truthiness Monkeys (Obedience, Ignorance and Fear) were 3 monkey brothers working on writing Dan Brown's book, "The DaVinci Code" when, during a feces-throwing break, they realized the un-truthiness of writing a "fictional" book that used "facts" as it's foundation.

For days the brothers flip-flopped between throwing feces at each other and being a part of Dan Brown's lie. Finally, after listening to Rush Limbaugh for 14 hours straight, "Fear" decided enough was enough; the brothers would blow the whistle on Dan Brown and the other factonistas who controlled the "fact sweatshops" throughout the world.

"Ignorance" had no idea what "Fear" was talking about, but "Obedience" was more than happy to do what "Fear" told him to do.

And the brothers were off.

At first it was a clandestine operation; the brothers moved from "fact sweatshop" to "fact sweatshop" secretly adding their own truth to every book they worked on, until every fiction book on The New York Times bestseller list contained something from the three brothers.

It wasn't until Stephen Colbert picked up a book by Al Franken that the brothers' work was discovered. Dr. Colbert used his own patented The DaColbert Code to decifer the hidden message from the brothers in Franken's Rush Limbaugh Is a Big Fat Idiot.

Because the brothers were monkeys and had no idea what they were typing (Ignorance's idea) they didn't know what to call what they were doing (And even if they did, they were monkeys and couldn't speak English).

But Stephen did.

And "truthiness" was born.

Stephen has since adopted monkeys to write his TV show and treats them the way Willy Wonka treats the Oompa Loompas.

Newsman

 * The Colbert Report
 * 2006 White House Correspondents' Association Dinner
 * The Colbert Report recurring elements
 * The Daily Show