Breaking News



Wikiality.com is slowly trying to get back in the groove of writing truthy news. Please excuse the quality and quantity during this period.

Enjoy Write A Caption and our Daily Poll in the interim.

'''See Also:
 * Daily Poll Write A Caption Bear Watchers Abomination Watch'''

Breaking News Archive

TSA Grounds Flight With Hundreds Of Children Aboard
At least three children on the flight had names that matched names on the No Flight List

WASHINGTON DULLES INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT, DULLES, VIRGINIA, December 4, 2008-- An alert TSA agent spotted several names on the manifest for United Airlines' Flight Sleigh Ride 1 that matched names on America's No-Fly List and called for the plane to be grounded immediately.

After confirming names of terrorists aboard the plane, the entire airport was closed down to thoroughly check both the plane and luggage for any hidden contraband and TSA scoured all security check points to determine how the passengers on the No-Fly List were able to get on board and if there were any other terrorists lurking in and around the area surrounding the airport.

The plane sat on the tarmac for two hours as security personnel re-searched every bag, discovering several containers that exceeded the allowable limit of 2 ounces. Several passengers claimed that the unknown liquids were actually life-saving medicines, but this has not been confirmed by Homeland Security officials.

Witnesses told Wikiality.com that some of the passengers wore masks, "I saw them with my own eyes," an unnamed, understandably frightened airline customer, who wished to remain anonymous, "some of them had special, personalized motorized vehicles that I've never seen before. You betcha I would've done something to stop 'em if I had to.  But, thank Jesus, the TSA was there and arrested every last one of those damned heathens!"

Along with the three suspects--reportedly ages 3 months - 2 years--TSA officials confiscated nearly 30 bottles of suspicious liquids, various needles and other sharp instruments and at least two bags containing foul-smelling materials wrapped in plastic.

"'This is a shameful act: terrorists using children to perform their dastardly deeds,' Homeland Security Director Michael Chertoff informed the media, as he solemnly shook his head, 'This is a new world we're living in since 9/11; we can't take any chances. America should remember this day as another day when The Greatest President Ever protected them from the terrorists.'"

In addition to being on the No-Fly list, none of the passengers had passports, counterfeit one-way tickets and the ringleader confessed to FBI interrogators that they were on the way to meet a man who fit the description of Omar Abdel-Rahman, the mastermind behind the 1993 bombing of the World Trade Center.

It may seem like Wikiality.com is breaking journalism ethics by saying this, but every American should indeed count their blessings that The Greatest President Ever was able to protect this great nation from the terrorist hoards so that we may celebrate the birth of The Baby Jesus this Christmas.

When asked to explain why terrorism always increases whenever he has a movie in nationwide release, Sean Penn tried to be gay with this reporter and could do nothing more than get in a few good slaps.

No further incidents were reported and within hours flights were again departing from and arriving to Dulles on schedule.

Mission Accomplished, TSA!

###

America’s Super Rich suffers economic crisis
Congress will pass bailout to help these poor bastards

'''Beverly hills, 90210. December 15, 2008''' - Life is not easy for the super rich and the wealthy. This year Ed Liddy was force to sell two of his mansions, seven of his yatchs, and his private helicopter (he opted to keep the luxury jet, it was a gift after all). He also pawned several of his jewels, his Ferraris collection, the Mona Lisa (the real one, the one in the museum is a fake), and even his precious family heirlooms (which he had several), “Is hard right now. The bank wont lent me anymore, even thought they know I am good for it. If it wasn’t for the pawnshops, I probably wouldn’t have enough money to take that vacation trip to the Bahamas and that get away weekend trip to Las Vegas… oh, yeah, and if I have something left, I may use it to pay off my chauffer, maids, butler, the gardener, and several of my employees and help the company that I own, that is at the verge of disaster… maybe…”

Liberal animals and pets mourn the loss of their leader
bears still vote independent December 13, 2008 - Many were saddened to learn that one of the greatest minds of the Clinton’s presidency will be passing away soon, that great man… or rather cat, is Socks.

SOCKS' ADMINISTRATION Many don’t know, but some suspected, that Socks was the actual brain behind Bill Clinton’s presidency. The greatest economic growth? That was Socks’ plan. The trade deals and NAFTA? Socks’ idea. The Clinton’s foreign policy? All his, he even negotiated between the Palestinians and the Israelis for peace. The Clinton’s health care reform plan?… well not Socks’, that was actually Buddy’s idea (so was his ‘don’t ask don’t tell’ policy, he had to give something for the dog to do (Bill pressured Socks to help Buddy)).

THE "OTHER" PET For years Socks hated Buddy and vice versa. Socks felt threatened and felt he was ‘voted out’ when Buddy arrived and lost his position as principal presidential pet, after years of services with the Clintons. Socks felt betrayed by Bubba but he was still loyal to him, he loved the man… all liberals did. The White House staff suffered under the constant barking and bickering between the presidential pets. “It was a nightmare, one day the neighbors called the cops. It was a huge embarrassment, so we have to give them separate rooms…” Socks saw Buddy as a rival for Bill’s affection and approval, which we all agree he was more of a dog person than a cat person. But Socks hoped Bubba would turn around, after all he won Chelsea’s heart, brought America a huge economic surplus, and helped Bill to silence Paula Jones for a while.

THE BREAK UP But sadly it was not to be. During the presidential scandal and the possible impeachment of Bill, Socks tried to be there for him… instead Bill sought the solace of Buddy. Bill like always two-timed anyone that cared for him, and that broke Socks’ heart. When the term of office expired, they both went their separate ways. Buddy went with Bill and Socks had to settle for Betty Currie.

LIFE AFTER THE PRESIDENCY But life was not bad for Socks, he got a chance to write and publish many books, have speaking appearances and luncheons with the power players and brokers of Washington, and participated in Christmas parades. Socks even moved to Hollywood in which he mingled among celebrities’ pets. Life was good for him, but sadly at night he reminisced back to the good old days when it was just Socks and Bill… the days before Buddy. Socks never shed a tear when Buddy passed away back in 2002; instead Socks threw a celebratory party. This appalled many liberal pets and angered the NAACD (the North American Association of Canidae Dogs); it became a scandal, yet they forgave him immediately.

FAREWELL KITTY In June 2008 Socks started to became ill, he developed thyroid condition, hair loss, weight loss, and kidney problems. The veterinarians were worried that he was getting ‘too old’ and that he should take a break from his busy schedule. Socks tried to comply, but he felt there was still too much to do. He also hoped to see Bubba once again… sadly Socks soon learned that he had cancer, he knew his final days were coming.

SOCKS' LEGACY There are still lingering criticism against Socks, his dislike of Buddy who many still label it as anti-canine, his role in the Lewinsky scandal and his effort to silence Paula Jones, and few other controversial dealings. Yet many agree that Socks changed the political landscape of America, he brought prosperity to a broken economy, and he revitalized a nation to the 21st century.

Shocking News!!! Senator David Vitter paid UAW to built his car!!
prostitutes enraged, “That money could have been better used”

'''Jagofftown, USA. December 13, 2008''' - We the people of wikiality were disappointed to learn that Senator David Vitter does not support one of the nation's most vital institutional economy: prostitution. That’s right nation, Senator David Vitter does not care about prostitutes. Instead we learned that he is giving away his filthy, filthy money… urgh… to unions!!! Shame on you, Senator David Vitter. Prostitutes, whores, and pimps are a very important working class. They are working very hard and every day just to make a good living. Haven’t you heard that song that says “Is hard to be a pimp”? Everyone knows that UAW workers are nothing but fat lazy workers, that live the good life in their luxury houses, they get huge health and pension benefits that are draining the pockets of helpless CEOs, and get ostentatious wages. While in the meantime prostitutes are working very very very hard to put themselves into medical school, and honest and entrepreneurial pimps have to wrestle against the hazards of gangs, cops, and cheating hos.

Senator David Vitter, prostitution is a vital part of our economy, and unless you and your colleagues go back to your deviant ways, it could destroy our nation's economy. Get your priorities straight, say no to unions and yes to hoes!!!

Obama: Black or White? Pick a race we are at war!
'''The white/black/bi house. December 13, 2008''' - After Obama’s election a strange sickness has afflicted American soil. People are speaking in confusing terms that is causing chaos, reminiscent of the days when the Tower of Babel was constructed by The Greatest President Ever (dictionaries will never be the same). The seeds of confusion are taking root, causing turmoil on the nation.

Confusion aside we have decided to investigate the root of this “cause”… and the source is Obama! See he is trying to destroy America!!!

Some angry blacks decry that Obama is not the first black president, “Where are the certificate of authenticity yo? How can we authentify his blackness without it? He aint black/getto enough, I am telling you!!!”

“Then we are taking him!! Is time to reclaim his whiteness. For long white people have been oppressed long enough! One month under the black president elect was a nightmare... but a white president, that is acceptable,” claimed a group of white people (that are not racist against black people because they have at least one black friend that isn’t intimidating). “He is our first white president, we all white people should all be proud!!”

“Shut your mouth! He is black, his skin is black, his body is black, is not like he tried to bleach it! He is black and should be proud of it” spoke what we believe is a black man (we all people in wikiality are colorblind after all, like our great Stephen!).

“Nonsense! He is neither black nor white; he is both. He is our first biracial president, he is a bicultural president!!” claimed an egghead nerdinista who was booed for claiming that Obama “swings both ways”.

Other groups claimed that “Well… maybe Obama is just biracially/biculturally curious”; “He is half white, he sold out his half black”; “His half black murdered his half white” and so many more. According to a college professor maybe Obama is a chameleon, “He is white one day, black the next day, and multicolored some days… who can say?”…

“Look, can we at least agree that he is human?” said a lonely voice. Nice try, but we all suspect he is not from this world.


 * Update: After many considerations blacks, whites, biracials and "others" have decided to hold an election to vote on whatever Obama is black, white, or bi.

###

Canada Agrees To Buy Michigan
After putting itself up for free agency, Michigan joins the Canadian league for $3.4 billion now and unlimited water for the length of the contract.

DETROIT, ONTARIO, CANADA, December 12, 2008-- In a move that stunned the North American Countries League, the American City of Detroit has accepted the $3.4 billion salary offer in exchange America will relinquish the fresh, drinkable water of the Great Lakes to allow Detroit to join Canada's team.

"'I can't believe the Americans gave up such an important manufacturing base!' troubled Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper said, 'I mean, I may be Bush's Canadian poodle, and will give everything else away to him and his corporate friends, but this is a huge mistake! How can any world leader give up an entire city so easily!? As embarrassing as this is to America as a country, it doesn't speak well for Harvard's Business School!  I am unable to contain how pleased I am to be doing business with American conservatives, eh!'"

The trade was made possible when Republican senators, Bob Corker, Mitch McConnell, Jim DeMint, John Ensign, Tom Coburn and Richard Shelby negotiated the loss.

GOP analyst Grover Norquist believes Detroit can become an "experimental city" in the same way New Orleans did following the hurricane opportunity that allowed corporations to practice new and innovative free market theories without the hindrances of regulations, liberals or unions.

"I am looking forward to using Detroit as a blank slate for some ideas I've been working on for a while," Mr. Norquist told Wikiality.com in an exclusive interview, "there was no way that a hurricane was going to hit that far north, so we had to wait for all the foreclosures to clear the city of those pesky undesirables before we could implement the next step toward free market perfection!"

A CIA spokesman received a new bin Laden tape within minutes after the Canadian purchase of Detroit announcement became public, but are having trouble translating it. CIA audio specialists will release the transcript as soon as they are able to separate the few spoken words from all the laughter.

###

Dell will outsource jobs… to America!!!
''Indians not happy. The ones with the dot in the forehead, not the ones that we took their land, rape their culture, and sold them firewater educated to act civilized, gave them clothes, and introduce them to real american culture''

'''Jagofftown, USA. December 11, 2008''' - For years American consumers had to deal with foreign accents of non-Americans when they called customer service. And for years the companies kept telling them to speak ‘American’ yet these un-american workers were unwilling to shed away their foreign tongues… a simple request. “We give these foreigners jobs and good education, so they will speak ‘american’ to us so we can save big bucks. And how do they repay us?? They just don’t get it, speak American!!!” claimed a CEO while counting his money that he made by shutting down American jobs that he saved by helping these lazy foreigners by giving them jobs.

One CEO of Dell listened to their concerns and sought the wisdom of the free-market, “Well, if these injuns wont listen to our demands, then we will tuk away eeer jerrrbs!!” in a brilliant move he outsourced the jobs… to America! And to make sure you get that quality American voice that really speaks ‘american’, you can get this privilege by the low low price of a $12.95 monthly fee (or $99 a year)!!! What a bargain! Take that foreigners!!

However, not everyone is happy with the move. “This is ridiculous!! You people don’t get it! This move by Dell is outrageous. First of all we shouldn’t be outsourcing good jobs outside America while shutting down good jobs in here. And second why in hell would I pay money for a service that suppose to be free” shouted an angry consumer.

''We would like to apologize, Wikiality suffered from technical difficulties and we had to cut off the opinion of this un-american traitor hippie liberal who we suspect is an Al Qaeda agent. The opinions of the un-american traitor does not reflect that of Wiliality''

"I am happy with the idea. I never trusted those injuns," claimed a man in a white sheet. We think he was on his way to a Halloween party.

EVERYONE is happy with this idea and we hope that many CEOs will see the wisdom from this move. Long live the free-market!!!

###

Bush expected to receive Humanitarian Award of the Century
Blackwater gets second place

'''Whitehouse, The Greatest House in America. December 11, 2008''' - The Greatest President Ever is schedule to receive “The Greatest Humanitarian Award of the Century” take that Gandhi!!! In a surprise move, congress has decided to give Bush a deserving award after years of service to the Real Americans as well of keeping them safe from un-american terrorists, a humanitarian act to keep Real Americans safe!! The move was declared to be bipartisan and they couldn’t wait for the president “to get what he deserves”. Congress will be soon be filled with “liberals” and decided to give away this award as a way to remind them where they stand on issues of “humanitarian” acts to keep Real Americans safe.

###

National Tube Breakdown!
''Tragedy strikes the tubes! Nation-wide disruption clogs the tubes for hours! Porn comes to a quivering stand still!''

'''AMERICA, U.S.A.! DECEMBER 10, 2008--''' In what many are calling a terrorist attack of epic proportions, America's tube system came to a grinding halt Tuesday December 9, 2008 when a server broke and clogged the tubes!

"LOL U suck!" was the last message received by one of Wikiality.com's reporters before the tubes went dark at approximately 2 a.m.. It took over 12 full hours of rebooting the modem and calling the ISP before this reporter was able to log on and reply:


 * "That's what your mom said!"

No word yet on how long the restoration will last, or how many horses were used to clear the clog. Or, what if any response will follow regarding the texter's whore of a mother.

###

Clearance sale special!! You can be a maverick too!!
'''Ebay. December 9, 2008''' – Did you ever wonder what would be like to be just like Obama John McCain? Did you ever wish to be a maverick but have no time to run a costly and a possibly embarrassing campaign that could destroy your prospects of a political career for a senate seat? Well think no more!! Thanks to maverickness of governor Blagojevich and the infinite wisdom of the free market (and ebay), they have found a way to revitalize the American economy AND get rid off the bureaucratic and money waste process called ‘election’. “Look at it this way, we save tax payers money and I get a little piece of the pie. Everybody wins!!” proclaimed Governor Blagojevich. But there are some un-american elements as well as the liberal media calling foul. “I don’t have a ebay account and I was banned for life!! Plus the current bid now is $99,999,999.00!!! I can’t afford that!!!” cried an AIG CEO as he only had $99,999,910.35 on his account, thanks to his “diseased” grandma that left him a substantial amount and it is in no way misappropriating taxpayer money… again.

###

Emergency News. Obama may be alien overlord
'''Un-maverick town, Washington. December 9, 2008''' - We received news that the Supreme Court is preparing a shocking surprise to a Real American named Leo Donofrio (aka “fearmonger” because he is feared by liberals). Donofrio is the only Real American asking the though questions like “Why are the gays marrying?” “The world is not round!” and his latest scoop is the fact that “Obama is not a Real American, but un-american!”. Some would say he is the only real intrepid reporter of the Real Americans.

“Obama is not American, he is an alien from a far away planet. His father sent his only son to our world to save mankind… which means he is not eligible to be president!! Also I discovered that John McCain is not a natural born citizen, so he is not eligible to be president either!! ” commented the greatest hero of our time, Mr. Donofrio hopes to sign book deals and expects Hollywood to release a movie based upon his intrepid journey of how he unmasked the greatest swindle in political history who has nothing to gain from his spectacular accusations. We don’t know which planet Obama was sent from but speculations are that he is from some planet named “kerypton”, sounds Arabic.


 * Update: The Supreme Court just ordered a large order of cream pies, electric buzzers, squirting flowers, rubber chickens, and few other unusual items to be delivered to their chambers. One Supreme Justice replied our inquiry about the unusual order, “We are hoping to use it to “welcome” Mr. Donofrio, he seems to think we have nothing else to do…”. We think they are throwing him a party to congratulate his bravery and maybe throw a parade later this afternoon…

###

Real Americans discover new ways to heal economy


'''Motown, Michigan. December 7, 2008''' - In a desperate attempt to save the automobile industry a cult of religious fanatics Real Americans decided to sacrifice virginal cars into the altar to appease the gods of the economy God’s invisible hand that is spanking our economy. “In desperate times, we must pray and sacrifice for the greater good… so we decided to sacrifice these car and hope it will appease God’s wrath!!” claimed a local reverend. The sacrifice in question are three hybrid SUVs, an abomination of nature. They believe God is angry because we haven’t bought enough Real American SUVs and instead opted for gay-sissified un-American cars like foreign vehicles or “hippisavetheearth” hybrids. “We think God feeds from the toxic smog of fossil fuel vehicles, and since we haven’t meet our quota of pollution God is piss disappointed” claims local oilman. But do not fear, congress will approve a blank check to the CEOs of corporate America and soon enough they will be back to work to make those Big Real American cars again…

###

Canadian Zoo suffers crisis
The Canadian Zoo, America Junior, December 6, 2008 - Today the director of the zoo (aka “Governor-General” of the zoo, they love them big titles), was forced to call an state of emergency and forcefully shut down the Canadian Zoo (aka “parlement” or something like that) to protect the general public.

Two of its own bears (an alpha-gluteus-orificium-ministur bear named Harper, and a boobynus-crytoddler bear named Dion (a long lost bear-brother of Celine Dion)) have unleashed what some experts call a ‘bear-war’. While no one is sure as to why these two bears are fighting, there is speculation that their motives could be territorialism or part of a mating ritual to impress a mate. The Canadian Zoo has only one female bear (a publicus-ignoramus species).

The conflict among these ravenous bears have caused casualty among the animals in the zoo. Among the casualties were doves (democraticus publicus pax species), a turtle (kommunis intelligentia, a rare species), and a lion (honoremus rex). There is still no update as to the fate of a rare species of eagle (the constitunos aquilar). But experts speculate their bloodbath will end soon, otherwise the Zoo will be force to take the two bears into the backyard and shoot them both out of their misery (thought the possibility that both may have contracted rabies have not been dismissed).

###

Former child-star Knut faces eviction
Zoo will replace him with a younger penguin

We-are-not-Nazis-Germany, December 4, 2008 – Knut the world superstar of the animal kingdom will turn 2 this year. Yet, what it should be a time of festivity it is instead a time of somber anguish. For this once former child-star of the zoo will face the realities that comes with adulthood and dwindling fame. The zoo is planning to evict him as soon as his contract expires.

KNUT'S ARRIVAL Knut was born in December 5, back in 2006, his mother abandoned him after she run away with a grizzly bear. Yet this orphan was raised and mentored by his zookeeper and manager, Thomas Dörflein.

“Oh, yeah. Knut loved him like a father, and he was a good mentor while it lasted” replied Knut’s personal cage cleaner. “Those were good times…” Yet those good times wouldn’t last if secret anti-bear agents got their way. They decided they should have “eliminated” the mini-godless killing machine when they had the chance. Animal activist Frank Albrecht believed that the bear should die (that’s german for you), “De bear must die! For it is ze only way he kan be free, rather zan be at herr hands of decadence and humilliazion of being a pet”. Wolfram Graf-Rudolf, the director of the zoo agreed with him, plus the bear was hurting the zoo’s budget. Yet it was this controversial move that catapulted Knut into a celebrity status overnight. And Wolfram recognizing an opportunity for profit he exploited it to the fullest.

KNUT MANIA Soon there were Knut t-shirts, plushy dolls, Knut key-chains and other junk that at the times was cool to own. Knut even released his own music video and his one hit-wonder; the sales of the CD music made him wealthy. Hollywood even signed a deal to film an “inspirational” life story on the silver screen, which became a box office success. The movie won acclaimed acolytes and several awards, even an Oscar. Soon the zoo was taking large profits (the first in several decades). “Do you know how much a zoo director makes a year? Not enough. But ever since the success of Knut it was a wild ride”, commented Wolfram. And a wild ride it was, soon the zookeepers had their own chuffers and maids, they would drive in limos to work, Wolfram Graf-Rudolf invested half of the zoo’s profits in the housing market. As for Knut, he lived the life of a prince; he had it all, fame, wealth, all the fish he could eat and all the tail he could chase (both figuratively and literally).

By day visitors would flock to the zoo to see Knut, and buy all the crap they had on sale; by night the zookeepers and Knut would throw wild coke parties with booze, hookers, and have wild orgies late into the night…

THE CUTENESS DIES But the good times didn’t last, soon Knut hit puberty and that’s when troubles got started. People stopped visiting the zoo and buying the crap that they had on sale. “Who wanted to see a has-been 440 pound overweight godless killing machine? Nobody, there is no profit on that,” Wolfram replies. Knut, like many superstars were also difficult to handle, many zookeepers considered him to be a prima donna, diva, and drama queen, yet they only tolerated the little bear because of the money he brought to the zoo. But now at the age of 2, many have conspired to have him replaced with a younger and sexier penguin, hoping it will bring back the good years… It wasn’t just the zoo that turned his back on him, the public abandoned him as well. The acclamations and adulation that once resonated in the air were now silent filled with yawns. At a moment of desperation he even joined with Animal Planet on a financial project, a porno movie named “March of the Horny Bears: so hot it will melt the Polar Caps”, the movie was a financial failure and it ruined Knut’s career…

“Is crazy, they are kicking me out! After all that I have done for the business! They want me to go back to the North Pole… are they crazy? The polar caps are melting and there is little to eat there… but wait and see, I will have my comeback… is just a matter of time” replied Knut as he prepared to pack his belongings.

###

Obama gets the robot vote!


University of Florida, November 3, 2008 – The McCain campaign seems to be doom to loose, and the culprit are robots. “Everybody knows that robots don’t get to vote, but that hasn’t stop them on rigging this election. Think about it? Only robots know how to use the ‘series of tubes’ and their master Al Gore (aka Robot Master) is destroying our democracy!” decried an angry McCain staff manager. “If Obama wins, it will be the rise of the machine! Soon our toasters and microwaves will demand equal rights! Our cars will stop working unless we pay them equal wages, and the robots will run the country powered by human blood!”

The Obama campaign denied such accusations, “Not true. The robots run on hope, and they promised us they won’t uprise if we give them an annual tribute in oil…”

###

Breaking News Archive