Consumer

A consumer is a useless eater, equivalent to one fodder unit in the Global War on Terror. Consumers are President Bush's first line of defense against Islamofascists. Patriotic consumers rallied to the President's battle cry to "go shopping" after 9/11.

Because consumers emit methane gas due to mouth-breathing and burrito consumption, environmental extremists blame them for the "global warming" hoax. Based on Stephen Colbert's meticulous truthiness research, if global warming did exist, the cause would be bears.

Consumers insist (as President Bush noted) on "putting food on their families," and are therefore constantly clamoring for jobs, health care, education, and sex. Because of this clingy, herd-like neediness, most American corporations have been forced to flee the United States and seek refuge in China, Mexico, and the Cayman Islands.

A task force of Fortune 500 philanthropists has been assembled in Washington by concerned lobbyists under the code name "Project Soylent" to aid consumers with their consumption needs.

Misery loves company, so consumers are by nature social creatures and like to congregate in bars, shopping malls, and bowling alleys, or at Communistic online websites such as http://www.consumerama.net/.