Wicca



Wicca is a hilarious after-school activity in which overweight teenage lesbians form a circle and say funny words while lighting incense, with a Marilyn Manson or Diary of Dreams CD playing in the background.

While slightly more credible than Scientologists, Wicca was founded by Gerald Gardner in the 1930's or 40's depending on who you ask. Despite Gardner's supposed magical powers he failed to so mcuh as cure his own Asthma. It is also amusing to note that his own wife never converted to Wicca and continued going to the local Aglican Church her entire life (though she's destined for hell for the crime of being an Anglican and not a Catholic).

Beliefs
The Wicca belief systems is centered around the ability to create magic. However, only two beings have the capability of producing magic, The Baby Jesus and Stephen Colbert. Wiccans claim to obtain their magic from their baby feasting rituals.

Twice a year, members of this bearish cult gather during the Democrat National Convention to begin their savage hunt. With bears as their pets, Wiccans steal innocent baby republicans for their feast, while foolishly leaving the Democrat babies alone. Although very unintelligent, the Democrat babies are much more tasty than the Republican babies, showing their foolishness.

Everyone who follows Wicca is un-American, and should be put on notice. They especially hate Bill O'Reilly. And men, straight or otherwise.

Types of Wiccans

 * Fat Wiccas
 * gay/fake British Wiccas
 * goth Wiccas
 * People who've read way too much Neil Gaiman

Common Wicca beliefs

 * Gay marriage should be legal.
 * Abortion should be legal.
 * All living creatures have rights (except for unborn babies).
 * Bears are good for humanity.
 * The Baby Jesus was actually a Jew.
 * Men love to talk after sex.
 * God has no religion, but loves to dress like a goth chick.
 * Alito and Robertson are Republican pit bulls.
 * women's armpits are meant to be hairy.

Note: These opinions are in no way associated with Colbert Nation or Wikiality.com, but the Wicca should be regarded as a threat to all true Americans.

Rituals
As a general rule, Wiccans meet deep in the forest, or in the back room of the local independent book store. They then get naked and dance around. This wouldn't be so bad if they would just watch their weight a little and wear real makeup instead of boot polish.

In recent years Wiccans have also liked to meet online, and have infested the appropriately named Wikip*dia. There they spew out liberal filth and pollute the world with facty nonsense. The lure of Wicca is clearly strong and evil, and should be considered a major threat to America.

Holy Days
Wiccan holy days are based on the Wheel of the Year, secretly called the Witches Wheel by the fake British fundamentalist traditions.

There are eight festivals known as Sabbats. The Greater Sabbats, or Cross-quarter days are called Fire Festivals:


 * Samhain(Hallowe'en)
 * Imbolc (Groundhog Day)
 * Beltane (May Day)
 * Lughnasadh(August 1st)

The Lesser Sabbats, which coincide with the Solstices and Equinoxes are called:


 * Yule (Christmas, Winter Solstice)
 * Ostara (Easter, Spring Equinox)
 * Litha (Summer Solstice, Aboriginal Day)
 * Mabon (Autumnal Equinox)

Origins
Wicca was invented by the Baby Satan in the dark ages for overweight lesbians who could not get dates. It quickly spread to America, particularly Taxachusetts. It put down roots quickly there, and even a containment initiative couldn't get rid of the infection.

Famous Members

 * The Greek God Artemis
 * Martha Stewart
 * Hillary Clinton
 * Abigail Smith Adams
 * Rosa Parks
 * Mona Lisa
 * Matt Damon
 * Barry Manilow
 * Rex Grossman
 * Zsuzsanna Budapest
 * Alex Sanders
 * Silver Ravenwolf
 * Starhawk
 * Gerald Gardner