The Colbert Report/Episode/500

An Historic Moment

 * An Historic Moment
 * today is Dr. Colbert's 500TH SHOW!
 * defying the odds


 * usually a balloon drop
 * all balloons in the country are in D.C. for Obama's Inaugural
 * Stephen procured one from a child


 * for Martin Luther King Day, Obama declared it a National Day of Service
 * he painted walls at a youth center
 * Mrs. Obama helped make car packages for the troops
 * Stephen tended the grounds at the Stephen T. Colbert Goose Sanctuary At LaGuardia Airport
 * Stephen is worried about "Honkers" and "Mrs. Snowdrop" as no one has seen them since Thursday


 * make it mainstream: needs to be marketed
 * Easter has a Bunny
 * Christmas has Santa Claus
 * Veterans' Day has Godzilla


 * Martin Luther King Day now has a mascot: Dreamy!
 * people should volunteer to celebrate Martin Luther King Day, he offered some suggestions:
 * the Levy Senior Center on Demster Street needs sturdy volunteers to help shovel walkways
 * the Elmhurst JCC on Willowcreek Avenue wants people with "handyman" experience to water seal their deck
 * Knights of Columbus invite you to knit blankets for the homeless at the Ramada Inn off Route 30 at Exit 14


 * Stephen has volunteered to do many things for Dreamy!

Reflecting On Sacrifice

 * Bush has reflecting on his time in office


 * no president before him had to make tough decisions:
 * President Decision Plinko


 * Tonight's Word
 * Sacrifice


 * Bush's Legacy
 * mostly disasters, but they were planted by Clinton


 * a judge said we tortured a terrorist allowing him to go free


 * this admin condoned torture: facing a war
 * Dick Cheney knows it was legal, he asked the lawyers he hired
 * (January 4, 2009 quote)


 * is torture wrong?
 * some human rights experts don't think so
 * O'Reilly
 * Hannity
 * Jack Bauer


 * Recap
 * it's torture
 * it's legal
 * it's right


 * no compromise
 * all good or all evil


 * if torture is ever the right thing to do; then it is always the right thing to do


 * turned something that was once evil into a virtue


 * he has asked us to sacrifice the difference between right & wrong

Interview

 * Frank Rich
 * columnist for the New York Times, Stephen will ask him what he will be giving Obama besides a free ride


 * not in Washington to cut the ribbon on the tax and spend machine


 * Stephen touches politicians with his elbows


 * relentless critic
 * he's tickled pink


 * never gave Bush a fair break
 * kept beating him hoping for a Pulitzer to drop out


 * compared Bush to Hoover


 * we gave democracy to the Middle East:
 * Hamas in Gaza
 * Taliban in Afghanistan
 * in (parts of) Iraq


 * never wrote in his column "could have been worst"
 * smaller than life
 * like average guy


 * gave hope to those of us who've just phoned it in all our lives
 * hope for mediocrity


 * how will Rich transition from unflinching critic to unflinching "yes-man"
 * criticized Obama for his tie, Rick Warren


 * all the news that fit to piss everybody off


 * spent his entire career around newspapers
 * newspapers may not survive
 * may become diesel mechanic
 * Maureen Dowd learning to give pedicures

Celebration In Song

 * these last few days have been very emotional for Dr. Colbert
 * like someone has been waterboarding his heart


 * a celebration of the celestial giants who made the Bush Administration
 * accompanied in song ("What I Did For Love") by Christine Ebersole

Epilogue

 * 500th show
 * Dr. Colbert thanked Christine Ebersole, who will be at the Cafe Carlisle until the end of the week
 * haven't reached the end of a presidency, we've reached the end of a metaphor
 * the country is like the frog that has been put into a pot of water as the the water is slowly brought to a boil


 * Chris Matthews knows a lot about boiled frogs, because he used to be one until someone kissed him and turned him into a Boiling Prince


 * since Bush has been in office, we haven't once been attacked by boiling frogs


 * Dr. Colbert adds this retired metaphor (the Boiling Frog) to the bookshelf
 * frog that Stephen has slowly been simmering since 2001
 * finally safe from terrorists


 * Stephen reminds Obama to thank Bush for all the frog broth

External Tubes

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