John Travolta

John Barbarino Travolta is a modern Renaissance man who dabbles in a number of hollywood professions, the cult of $cientology, and Greco-Roman male wrestling.

Early Life
John Travolta was constructed in a fertility clinic by a bunch of inebriated mad scientists. Unfortunately, Travolta was mistakenly born created with no body hair and an antenna protruding from his head. Disturbed by the mess that they made, the scientists abandoned Travolta in the woods and opted to instead focus their time on more important junk like the internets.

Some Bears found Travolta in the woods and decided to raise him as one of their own. Thus, Travolta spent his formative years being raised by Bears.



Eventually, Travolta's Bear family decided that he should infiltrate his own kind to act as a spy for the Bears and learn to terrorize Americans. First, the Bears ensured that Travolta learned to speak American by watching liberal news stories on television.

Second, the Bears created a toupee for Travolta to cover his bald head and antenna so that he would better fit in.

Finally, the Bears enrolled Travolta in James Buchanan High in Brooklyn, New York where he was instructed by known Communist Gabe Kotter. Kotter trained Travolta to be a terrorist. Of special note, while in high school, Travolta invented the "up your nose with a rubber hose" torture technique that later proved influential with Middle Eastern terrorists.



Travolta's hobbies in highschool included participating in 1950s school musicals and dancing at the local discotheque.

Eventually, well-versed in the terrorist arts, and bored with high school, Travolta left school early to embark on his professional career.

Professional Career
Notoriously, John Travolta has held many careers in Hollywood. One of his most famous careers was a hitman working for mob boss Marsellus Wallace. Among other careers, Travolta has also been employed as an "Urban Cowboy," and a cabbie / babysitter to a talking baby.

Today, Travolta works as an advocate against pharmaceutical medications. Because Travolta resides in Hollywood, it was only a matter of time for Travolta to feel obliged to publicly voice his opinions. Travolta has recently been speaking out against psychotropic medications in favor of permitting serial killers to run amuck.

In truthiness, Travolta's anti-medication agenda is an attempt to eliminate or at least reduce the popularity of medicine in favor of non-prescription, hippy-loving drugs. Travolta believes that drugs will enable more people to embrace his way of life.

Travolta's continual career changing and inability to hold onto a job is attributed to his flip floping nature due to his lack of love for the Baby Jesus.

Personal Life


John Travolta spends most of his free time with other male "friends" in Hollywood, including his best friend, Tom Cruise.

Among other "manly" hobbies, Travolta and Cruise practice $cientology together. $cientology apparently requires Travolta and Cruise to attend many discreet meetings with other men. At these secret meetings, Travolta is known to engage in intense wrestling matches. Travolta has been the $cientology wrestling champion for five years running.

Travolta's "wife" is Kelly Preston. Preston was specially choosen for Travolta by Tom Cruise. In keeping with his Bear-training, Travolta encourages his "wife" to appear in as many photos with him as possible in an attempt to fit in with regular married folks.

A fierce observer of tradition, Travolta has two children who were made in the same manner as himself. Travolta has a daughter who is in the running to become the next $cientology princess, and another child who is never photographed, referred to, or even permitted to leave the basement of Travolta's house. It is unknown whether Travolta intends for his children to be raised by Bears as he was.