Jon Tester

Candidate for Senator from Montana

Jon Tester is a Democrat of the Montanease sort running to defeat Montana's incumbent Real American, Mizooruh-born Senator, Conrad Burns. God, the Greatest President Ever (GPE), and Jack Abramoff all want Senator Burns to keep his seat. But Montanans were cranky in 2006 and gave Tester what some were calling a good-shot to win in the race.

Apparently they were mad that Burns still has trouble pronouncing the the name of the river that flows out of Three Forks through most of the state. It's the Muh-zer-eee, dummy. But Burns has trouble with that since he talks in an accent similar to dulcet tones of George W Bush. But whereas the GPE has to cover up a New England accent with Texan, Burns has to try to cover his Mizooruh accent with Montanease.

They also seem to have some kind of problem with Burns's long-time companion, Jack Abramoff. (Not that they think there's anything wrong with that.)

All of that gave Montana-native Tester and his liberal buddies some kind of opening.

Tester lives somewhere south of Havre (that's Have 'er for those of you who don't live in the Last Best Place) where he was born. He has a ranch that he maintains with his wife, a large woman unkindly called "Big Sandy" by Jon's fellow Montanans.

He campaigned by driving like a bat out of hell all over the vast roadless wilderness of the state in his pickup truck and inviting himself to dinner at the ranch-houses that he'd run into every couple of days. At least he did until the truck broke down somewhere outside of Butte.

Since then he's become pretty much a permanent fixture at a bar stool or poker table at the M&M Cafe in Butte. He just eats, drinks, eats, plays a few hands of Montana Poker, eats and chats up the people that drop by. And then he has another hamburger topped with a fried egg (a speciality of the house). Apparently, though, that's enough to come close to winning an election in Montana.