Philosophers

Philosophers
All philosophers use reason, therefore they are gutless. Philosophers don’t pray, therefore they are godless. With reason and without prayer philosophers end up becoming Nazis (Heidegger), gay (Foucault, Wittgenstein and Schopenhauer) or get so obsessed with masturbating that they drive themselves mad (Nietzsche). There are also lots of Jewish people (Husserl and Maimonides) and Muslims (Al Farabi and Averroes) who are philosophers. Then there are Christian philosophers who go gay because they are frail (Augustine and Aquinas) or who Satan conquers with science (Hegel). Then there are Frenchmen (Descartes), liberals who act like Frenchmen (Rousseau), liberals who act like Americans (Thoreau and Emerson) and there are liberals who admit they’re socialists (Marx). There are Chinamen who philosophize too (Confucius). All of their books should be burned.

The Only Truthy Things in Philosophy
In Aristotle: The only work which he really ever wrote (because to write a lot of books would have been gay) was called “On Marvelous Things Heard.” In that book he says Crete is the best place to live. You ask, “Why?” Well, “In Crete,” he says. “Men say there are no wolves, BEARS, and vipers, and similarly no wild beasts like them, because God was born there.” Stephen Colbert is the only wise man to improve on this by trying to make America a bear-free country.

In Nietzsche: That he got syphilis because he wrote bad things about Jesus but he thought some men were more powerful than others. It’s a shame he went crazy and died because Stephen Colbert really would have nailed him, but I guess he’s okay because he proved what we know about Stephen: that he is more powerful than all men.

In Machiavelli: This guy is probably the only political genius in the world because he gave all the answers about how to defeat socialism, Islam and especially liberals. He argued for Republics and Republicans are his students. Moreover, he knew that Moses wasn’t a pussy and he dedicated his book “The Prince” to Stephen Colbert.

In Leo Strauss: If there was ever a good Jew (other than Moses) it was this guy. Paul Wolfowitz was wise enough to learn from him and we all know that Paul Wolfowitz helped the Greatest President Ever spread freedom.

In Plato: This guy was really gay but he wrote the “Republic” from which Republicans take their name. He also said that men should share their wives and while Joseph Smith took this to heart liberal Americans seem to be afraid of doing it. Everyone knows that the only people who don’t think women should be shared are gay. He also knew that it was okay to lie and even the Greatest President Ever knew that lies were okay, but if only when Jesus said so.

In Jesus: The Greatest President Ever said this was his favorite philosopher, so we think so too. But everyone knows Jesus wasn’t gay enough to philosophize because he was too busy training people to kick ass (See Sons of thunder) so that freedom and America would come to the world.