United States of America



The United States of America was founded by the Founding Fathers, Jack Bauer, Jesus, Ewoks, and Chuck Norris in 1775. It is viewed as the the Israel for Christians, as was believed by the first Governor of Taxaxhusetts John Winthrop. It is widely acknowledged to be the greatest country in the history of the world. It is located on the continent of North America.

The accomplishments of the nation of America include, but are by no means limited to:


 * Making Adolf Hitler shoot himself in the head
 * Billion dollar research grants to help old men get boners
 * Protecting the children from black women's breasts
 * Billions invested in enlarging breasts so they'll be noticed no matter what the woman wears
 * Fighting for freedom
 * Millions in tax breaks to oil companies
 * Supporting revolutions against very, very, very evil leftist South American governments to install gentle dictators such as the delightful Augusto Pinochet
 * Not educating the idiot above me who misspelled 'resolutions'.
 * Not launching atomic bombs only to impress the Soviets
 * Liberating Iraq
 * Kicking ass
 * Taking names
 * Defeating commies in Vietnam, Korea, and Ye Olde Soviet Russia
 * Babying those pansyass French
 * Inventing Baseball
 * Hiding extraterrestrial aliens from the rest of the world
 * Winning the Battle of 9/11

The War of Independence
(see main article United States Independence Day for more information)

The United States was officially founded on July 4th some time many years ago after a long and arduous struggle against the British Empire and the forces of $cientology, i.e. Tom Cruise. Steven Colbert, in the role of George Washington, received an emmy for his riveting performance as the commander of the contential army in the revolutionary war. This action did not escape the attention of the alien overlords of earth and he was promptly hired as President of the United States of America.

Noted Heroes of the War of Independence and All That it Stands for

 * Stephen Colbert
 * George W. Bush
 * Jesus H. Christ
 * The Baby Jesus
 * Truthiness Monkeys
 * Killer
 * Moses
 * That Guy who played Moses
 * Chuck Norris
 * Sylvester Stallone
 * Luke Skywalker
 * Obi Wan Kenobi
 * Jack Bauer
 * Ted Nugent
 * Bill O'Reilly
 * Brit Hume
 * Toby Keith
 * Sean Hannity
 * Mike Nugent (Ted's son)

Noted Villians of the War of Independence Against All That it Stands for

 * Satan
 * The Baby Satan
 * Bears
 * Bill Clinton
 * The Clenis
 * Hillary Clinton
 * Canadians
 * Jane Fonda
 * Harrison Ford
 * Robert Redford
 * Hollywood
 * Democratic Party
 * Nancy Pelosi
 * Liberals
 * Communist Party
 * Al Franken
 * Barbra Streisand

Porn-Motivated Technology from the United States

 * Camcorders
 * VHS tapes and Home Video Player/Recorders
 * Digital video
 * streaming on-line video
 * the NSA
 * satellite surveillence
 * T3H INT3RW3BZ, LOL!
 * Fried foods
 * wardrobe malfunctions
 * cum-cleen
 * washing machines
 * camera phones
 * pocket pussy
 * anything from the Doc Johnson product line
 * hand lotion
 * computers
 * MySpace
 * IMs
 * Republican Congressmen
 * Gummy worms

Non-Porn-Motivated Technology from the United States

 * Movies based on Broadway plays/musicals or foreign movies or TV shows
 * Space Travel
 * War, war and war
 * weather manipulation
 * reality TV
 * unreality TV (see O'Reilly Factor)
 * the clapper
 * MIB
 * Talk radio
 * Everything Kickass
 * All sports, except Hockey and Soccer
 * Guns
 * Beer
 * Potent Marijuana
 * Poor People
 * Outstanding Levees in New Orleans
 * HIV infected Hookers
 * Woody Allen