Cats (pets)

The cat is the slightly dumber but less loyal version of the dog needless to say women love them. Like it's canine brethren, cats diligently aid mankind in the secret war against the Godless Killing Machines and their animal minions. But only when they feel like it.

Cat chases a godless killing machine up a tree.

What is a cat?
A cat is an animal with two pointy ears, four legs, and a heart as black as coal, which induces the public to drool over their intensely large eyes, soft fur, and hypnotic purring. Cats also have large razor-sharp claws which have disembowel grown men in mere seconds.

Cats come in all colors. You can find black friend cats, big ginger cats, ones which look like furry tortoise shells, or psychedelic tabby cats. Pure white cats are popular with super villains, like Nancy Pelosi or Kim Jong Il. The Russians have bred blue cats and the Koreans cat's that glow in the dark.



How do know if your cat is taking over your life
Cats, though valiant warriors in the war against the bears, are usually control freaks and demand excessive attention and dominance over soft-minded humans. If your cat does one or more of the following you might have become its bitch (or queen as female cats are called):


 * Does your cat wake you in the insanely early in the morning for food?
 * Does your cat attempt to lick the inside of your eyelids, in hope of getting to the sweet ocular fluids within?
 * Does your cat perform the "kneading dance" on you? This might feel relaxing, but beware, it can rupture your kidneys.
 * Does your cat attempt to rip your throat out after giving countless ear massages?

One way of reasserting your authority over your cat is to dress it up in humiliating outfits. Also the use of yarn or catnip can be beneficial, because cats are highly addicted to both.

Myths and facts
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 * Cats contact their central controls through:
 * coded toilet flushes
 * or by playing the piano (see videos above)


 * Contrary to popular belief, cats tongues lick inward not outward to drink.


 * According to Dr. Stephen Colbert cats do have souls, unlike bears.


 * Not contrary to popular belief, cats do have nine lives.


 * Cats have the intelligence of an 1 year old child....or much, much more if your child is retarded.


 * Cats do not think about you, let alone miss you when you leave for extended periods of time.


 * Cats are now smarter than dogs. Don't confuse not giving a damn with intelect.


 * The leading cause of Kittenocide (the mass killing of baby cats) is masturbation.

Popular feline tubes on The Internets

 * My Cat Hates You
 * Kitten War
 * Hitler Cats