Houston, Texas

Houston is bigger than Tokyo -- Just another way of sticking it to Japan.

The most TEXAN city on earth. Houston is bigger than 87 countries and richer than 376.

Discovery


On April 21st, 1836 General Sam Houston and his Army of Texas heroes( including Audie Murphy, Troy Aikman, and Dennis Quaid) defeated the Mexican Army of Santa Ana and Antonio Banderas at the battle of San Jacinto. The victory feast was held at the San Jacinto monument park and consisted of Lone Star beer, fajitas, and jalepeno poppers. In gratitude for his superior leadership, the swamp town next to the battle field, decided to rename itself- HOUSTON. They erected a giant statue of Sam Houston, but it sank into the swamp. Following 5 other attempts- and 5 lost statues, the statue was erected 100 miles to the north in nearby Huntsville.

History
Following the battle of San Jacinto, Houston was paved. In 1837, work began on Interstate 45- also known as the Gulf Freeway. It was projected to cost $15,000 and be completed by 1840. More freeways sprung up and soon work on the Katy Freeway, Baytown East Freeway (BEAST), and the 610 loop was underway. Although many of the early settlers questioned the need for such highways since there were no cars yet, they were quickly squelched by the city founding fathers who proclaimed the new highway system as visionary. By 1907, the Gulf Freeway project was 70 years behind schedule and millions of dollars over budget. August 1, 1907 marked the date of the first actual cars on the Houston freeway system. August 1, 1907 was also the date of the first Houston traffic jam, road rage incident, and traffic fatality.

As of July 2007, the Gulf Freeway, Katy Freeway, and multitudes of other freeways remain under construction.

Other Houston History includes: Nolan Ryan, Weather disasters, Basketball championships, NASA, refineries, pollution, Astroworld, Luv ya Blue, and Rodeo.

All of the above contribute to traffic.

Houston Landmarks
Astrodome- 8th wonder of the world. Beatles and Elvis perfomed there. Now drawfed by Reliant Stadium. Used as an emergency shelter for the refugees of Katrina and the Harry Connick Jr Airlift for Humanity. Battleship Texas- Battleship that served famously in WWI and WWII. Now a floating museum, the ship is being retrofitted to allow emergency deployment in the event Texas needs to repel a flood of criminal refugees from Louisiana (see: 3rd world country). Part of the City of Houston's new tourist campaign-- "Next time evacuate to Dallas, you welfare bums!"

Mixmaster- When in Houston, please visit our laugh filled thrill ride, the MIXMASTER. You've never experienced real highway driving until you've driven on one of these babies. Wrong turn? Bad decision? It'll take you hours to fix your mistake. Enjoy.

Famous People Who Live or did Live in Houston
Red Adair fireman oil well fires-played by John Wayne

A. J. Foyt auto racer Indy 500 winner (4 time)

Howard Hughes industrialist, film producer, nut case

Vince Young- Greatest football in the world (some day)

A Typical Day in Houston
Houston is the home to the legendary plagues. What the Egyptians referred to as the wrath of God. For Houstonians, it is normal. Lets review:


 * Plague 1 - Blood- See Houston Sports Teams. Every year the Astros and Texans suck the blood and life out of the city as they snatch defeat from the jaws of victory. From season beginning enthusiasm to soul sucking losses in the end, Houston sports fans experience it all every year.


 * Plague 2 - Frogs- Houston is in a swamp. Contrary to popular belief, if you rub a frog, you will not get warts- but it does excite the frog.


 * Plague 3 - Gnat-irritating thing that has been irritating the good people of Houston for years. Also known as Marvin Zindler---yes, the idiot who exposed the Chicken Ranch (Best Little Whorehouse in Texas) and caused the great insitution to close.
 * Plague 4 - Flies- Horse flies, Cow flies, Tste flies, Dog flies, Pop Flies


 * Plague 5 - Disease in Livestock- Fortunately, Houstonians manage to export all the diseased beef to Dallas. The Yankees disguised as Texans cannot tell the difference.


 * Plague 6 - Boils - The only way to cook crawfish. Boil with a lot of Tony Chachere spice. MMMM good
 * Plague 7 - Hail - Hail is necessary for the car dealerships to have dent sales.
 * Plague 8 - Locusts - Harmless creatures that make noise in the summer. They too taste great when fried with Tony Chachere spice
 * Plague 9 - Darkness- Every night.
 * Plague 10 - Death of Firstborn- Well, no on this one. What it really means is the Life of Firstborn.Rephrased: May your firstborn never move out and live in your house forever.


 * Plague 11 - clothing provided by the atmosphere. Summertime gives off "air you can wear".  Its what makes us appreciate the four days of winter in February.