Breaking News/Archive/112006

Giant Rats Invade Florida!
GRASSY KEY ISLAND, FL, November 29, 2006-- Mere weeks after Democrats stole the 2006 election, giant rats have invaded Florida.

The Minutemen were taken by surprise by the 3 pound, 35-inch-long crawling pigeons.

"Illegal immigration is getting out of hand," media director for America's Border's only help, Tim Bueler told the press, "first they hole up in an American church, now they send rats to do their dirty, dirty business. It just sickens me."

Halliburton has declared the invasion a potential health hazard and have sent investigators to Florida to see how best protect America's health.

Census takers are also in the area to determine how many people will need to be "vaccinated" to "FEMA-ize" the voting populace.

Wikiality.com will be following this story from a safe distance. ###

Bush Library Needs Funds
CRAWFORD, TX, November 27, 2006-- Church groups all across America have answered the call of The Greatest President-EVER! by collecting money to build a memorial to his greatest presidency and his greatest policies ever.

Children and Americans have broken open their piggie banks and have cut down on their meth and prostitute usage to insure a memorial glorious enough to commemorate The Greatest President-EVER!.

To see what you can do to cut funding on the socialistic programs sure to be created with the new communist congress coming in January, thus preventing taxes be spend on the right things, please visit this site and contribute everything you can. ###

America's Journalist, Chris Wallace Pwns Another Liberal
NEW YORK CITY, November 27, 2006-- In a repeat of his outstanding performance against Bill Clinton, the great American journalist, Chris Wallace single-handedly took on 3 of the Axis of Evil's worst:
 * Barney Frank
 * Charlie Rangel
 * John Dingell

All who witnessed it declared the liberal's defeat another triumphant success in the War on Terrorism.

Once in Mr. Wallace's presence, the three immediately began to whine, in the hopes that Wallace would stop his journalisms against them, but it did not work.

"I take my job seriously," said the stalwart Wallace, "afterall, it is hard work."

The FOX studio where the assault took place erupted in cheers when the battle ended.

"We are so proud of Chris, those liberals will know better than to come to our house with their whining liberal bullshit, he totally owned them!" said an unnamed FOX executive.

The three liberals were then pantsed and left the studio still wearing their make-up as the FOX faithful chanted U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.! ###

Colorado Woman Defaces Homes With Satanic Symbol
DENVER, CO, November 26, 2006-- A communist, lesbian hippie was charged with defacing homes with satanic symbols just days into the War on Christmas.

Some folks have stated that the value of their homes has plummeted drastically since the symbols were spotted by three or four diligent citizens.

Colorado Representative Tom Tancredo (R-CO, 6th District) was the first politician to the scene and released the following statement.

"'Since the Democrats have taken congress, our country has been under constant attack. And, Americans will not stand for it. On behalf of Our Lord and Savior, I call upon every American to stand vigilant against every attack on our great nation.  We must remind all non-voting peoples and disgruntled Republicans what happened this past election day.  We must think of the children, we must fight to protect The Baby Jesus.  Thank you, and God Bless America.'"

The crowd of well-dressed and orderly reporters in attendance, respectfully thanked Mr. Tancredo for his comments and left together in the same SUV. ###

Wisconsin Family On The Front Lines In War Against The American Family
FOND DU LAC, WI, November 24, 2006-- One brave American family has volunteered to be on the front lines of the War On The American Family.

The unnamed mother and father have demanded that the public school system of their French-named American town remove (and presumably destroy) books.

"We want our 23 children to be taught the way Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ was taught: in the home," proclaimed the father, "I am doing my part to save America from the satanic, liberal agenda of Angelina Jolie and the Dixie Chicks. These schools are preventing American uteruses from increasing the perfect American population, and that is how I am runnning my family.  The way it says in the Bible."

The father and his good, Christian wife invited Wikiality.com into their small, but neat trailer in the hopes that, "Americans can see that except we are just better because we read the Bible more than everyone esle."

At issue is the Maya Angelou autobiography, "I Know Why The Caged Bird Sings". The father admitted that he has never read the book, and the mother (through the family spokesman, the father) stated that she cannot read.

"From the title of the book," the father read from a prepared statement, "I kin tell thet this book promotes liberalism and hates The Greatest President--EVER!!! by giving aid and comfort to America's enemies."

When asked to respond to the allegations that he helped publish the book, John Kerry insulted the troops while making love to Jane Fonda.

This Wikiality.com reporter then immediately vomitted. ###

Caucasian Achievement and Recognition Scholarship
BOSTON, TAXACHUSETTS, November 24, 2006 A college scholarship based on the ideals of the great Republican leader, Martin Luther King, Jr., was introduced today to help American college students overcome the burdens of escalating tuition fees.

"Unlike liberals, we are thinking of the children," said the group's president, Prescott "Scooter" Wentworth, IV, "and in honor of our hero, Dr. Stephen T. Colbert, D.F.A., our scholarship is given without regard to color."

For more details, click here ###

Wikipedia Surrenders To Dr. Stephen T. Colbert, D.F.A.
THE UNITED NATIONS, NEW YORK CITY, November 21, 2006--

Wikipedia presented official documents of surrender to the UN General Assembly today to finally end their bitter struggle against truthiness and Our Glorious Stephen.

"They knew better than to invade the arena of truthiness unprovoked and with no exit strategy," former Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld said from his new office at The Carlyle Group, "everyone knows that is a blueprint for failure."

Wikiality.com has learned that Stephen and his team of ambassadors brokered the deal between the forces of truthiness and Wikipedia from their diplomatic mountain retreat, Camp Charlene in the hills of South Carolina.

A spokesman informed Wikiality.com that Stephen was pleased with the outcome but will work with the UN to finalize more sanctions to insure Wikipedia adheres strictly to the details of the surrender documents. ###

"The Colbert Report" Director to Helm "Hobbit" Film
LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA, November 20, 2006-- A distraught Peter Jackson, the kiwi director of Stephen's favorite film trilogy, "The Lord of The Rings" announced today that he would not be directing a movie based on another JRR Tolkien book, "The Hobbit".

Hollywood movie insiders told Wikiality.com that Jackson stepped down due to "pressure" from unnamed persons.

"Look, I don't want to talk about it," Jackson said between crying like a girl, "it was all I was living for, that movie meant everything to me..."

New Line Cinema, the Hollywood production company and den of depraved gays and liberals behind the film, confirmed that Jimmy, Stephen's director, will be making his feature film debut with "The Hobbit".

Mr. Jimmy did not meet with the press, but a spokesman for New Line told the press that, "Although James does not have any experience directing a film of this magnitude, the word of Stephen Colbert was more than enough to convince the investors that the film would be a success."

When asked to comment on why he didn't get the gig, Oliver Stone went into a expletive-filled rant that, to this reporter's knowledge, is still going on at this hour... ###

Stephen Colbert to Establish the World's First Stephen Colbert Museum and Gift Shop in Alabama's Colbert County
NEW YORK, Nov. 20 /PRNewswire/ -- Stephen Colbert is giving back to The Nation. He's decided to help revitalize one of America's depressed communities by offering them the opportunity to house the "Stephen Colbert Museum and Gift Shop." This multi-part celebration will air on COMEDY CENTRAL's Emmy-nominated "The Colbert Report" during the week of November 27 at 11:30 p.m.

Stephen has chosen rural Tuscumbia (pop: 9,000) in Alabama's Colbert County as the location for "The Stephen Colbert Museum and Gift Shop." He is convinced that it will provide a "can't-miss" economic jolt for the community. "The Stephen Colbert Museum and Gift Shop" is the world's first museum entirely devoted to a celebration of Stephen Colbert. After all, since the county named itself after him, it's the least he can do in return. Over the course of the week, "The Colbert Report" will feature exclusive behind-the-scenes segments detailing the challenges involved in opening this tribute to himself, as well as a look at his primary competition for the hearts and souls (and cash) of Colbert County which is Ivy Green, the birthplace of Tuscumbia native Helen Keller.

Is Stephen Colbert Moving to FOX?
RUPERT MURDOCH'S OFFICE, 9TH CIRCLE, HELL, November 20, 2006-- It was announced today FOX intends to start a "right-leaning" satirical program, to be called "This Just In"

Although no stars have been announced to helm the series, Wikiality.com has insider information that Rupert Murdoch tricked Our Glorious Stephen into trading hosting duties for what Murdoch calls his "precious".

Some people have told Wikiality.com that liberals have whined that the show is a rip-off of both Saturday Night Live and "The Daily Show", but no one can be sure, and unnamed production staff for FOX have asked viewers to be patient.

"This program hasn't even begun produdction nor has it aired yet," the staffer said between tears, "but liberals are already calling it names. Why do they hate Our Troops?"

When called to comment, Bill Clinton put us on hold, where we are still waiting for him to get back on the line. ###

A Drunken Christ Tries To Crash TomKat Wedding
BRACCIANO, ITALY, November 18, 2006-- Italian Police reportedly turned Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ and a contingient of apostles back from Tom Cruise's wedding.

Onlookers watched in horror as a special division of the police force created specifically to deal with celebrities, Polizia della Gente Pazzesca Ubriaca, refused The Holy Entourage entry onto the castle grounds where Tom Cruise was holding his wedding.

"You will hear from My Father!" an outraged Jesus screamed at the 200-strong battalion, as He was placed in the back seat of a waiting sqaud car. Eyewitnesses reported to Wikiality.com that a scuffle occured resulting in Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, being thrown to the ground.

"What a shunder," The Blesssed Virgin Mary said at the police station, where she posted the 5 million lyre bail, "my Boy has never done anyting wrong to anyone; I'm verklempt."

The five apostles, who accompanied Jesus, Matthew, Mark, Luke, Stephen, and Elvis were not charged in the incident. Remarked the apostle Elvis, "This is all bullshit, JC was not drunk; He can hold His wine. I would not be surprise if the police found out that Xenu was behind the whole thing."

George Clooney, the filthy Hollywood actor who owns a house in Italy, did not return calls from Wikiality.com asking about his involvement in the incident. ###

Texas Police Battle Illegal Aliens
HOUSTON, TX, November 18, 2006-- In a show of Patriotic Force, Houston police today were able to repel a contingent of aliens trying to infiltrate Our Glorious Nation!

"They tried to sneak in," one nattyily-dressed officer remarked from atop his horse, "but we showed them who's boss!"

According to a spokeswoman who claimed to be able to speak the alien language, "These are people not aliens," she managed to spew from her lie-hole, "They are hard-working citizens trying to make a living."

Once the laughter subsided, a Houston city official called a press conference to give the day's tally:
 * 16 officers scored head blows
 * 10 officers scored tackles
 * 23 cavalry officers scored smooshes

The Houston city official also declared, "They tried to exploit the American Way and take our jobs; we're the victims here. I am just glad I was able to do my part for the children." ###

Illusionist David Blaine unveils latest stunt
NEW YORK CITY, November 17, 2006 Magician David Blaine has announced that for his next stunt he will try to remove his head from his ass. Fox News has called dibbs on the event and has dedicated 7 crews to the scene to make sure that the event is given the coverage it so rightfully deserves. ###

UCLA's Admissions Policies Working Smoothly
LOS ANGELES, CA, November 16, 2006 Just months after a leading study showed that UCLA only accepted 11 % of all black applicants (compared to 26% for all applicants), a videotape was released to the news media today showing how successful the admissions policies have been.

"When we say you are welcome to UCLA we mean it," an unnamed University of California official said under conditions that his identity remain a secret, "and when we say you're not welcome, we mean that too."

The videotape will become a part of the UC System's Freshman Orientation Package, along with the regular pamphlets:
 * "Hey, You're Black! What Are You Doing Here?"
 * "Hey, You're Poor! What Are You Doing Here?"
 * "Hey, You're Black and Poor, The Janitor's Entrance Is In The Rear"

In the spirit of full disclosure, Wikiality.com provides a link to the video.

###

God's Personal Economist Dies After Hearing Insult on Favorite Show
THE PEOPLE'S REPUBLIC OF SAN FRANCISCO, CAULIFLOWER, November 16, 2006 "A champion of freedom and liberty succumed today," the great orator Rush Limbaugh intoned on his radio programme this morning, "and I don't feel like I am carrying anyone's water when I say all of America loved him, unconditionally."

Jessica Simpson was able to identify Milton Freidman as an inspiration when asked how she felt about his passing, "Sounds like he's Jewish, right?"

Sadly, Dr. Stephen T. Colbert, D.F.A. was unavailable for comment. A spokesman for Dr. Colbert told Wikiality.com that investigators are looking into the possibility that the comments made by a guest on "The Colbert Report" may have been involved in the untimely death of the 94-year-old Nobel Prize-winning exconimist.

"Our Glorious Stephen feels responsible, after all if Jeff Swartz hadn't said those hurtful things about Mr. Freidman, while as a guest on Our Glorious Stephen's show, perhaps he would still be alive today."

"Of course Dr. Colbert is devastated," a stoic Mrs. Colbert commented, "we are looking into securing Mr. Freidman's Nobel for Dr. Colbert's mantle. It just kills him to have to receive it under these circumstances."

When asked to give details about his whereabouts at the time of Mr. Freidman's death, Alec Baldwin ran away like a little girl.

More details to follow. ###

Limbaugh Blesses Ex-Senators' Uterus Transplants; Offers Painkillers for Birth of Republicans
NEW YORK, NY, November 15, 2006 Conservative radio talk show host Rush Limbaugh, in an effort to improve republican chances of winning the 2026 elections, offered to donate painkillers to any male Republican senate candidate who lost the 2006 elections if they give birth to a potential republican voter after receiving a uterus transplant. Though no republicans have ever been reported to have had a uterus transplant before, Limbaugh says he believes that "the time is ripe" for former senators such as George Allen, Mike Dewine and Jim Talent to "get their balls rolling" and seed the next generation of republican voters. Asked whether he would consider a uterus transplant himself, Limbaugh said that he would "personally rather see Chelsea Clinton's tubes tied" and would be "more than happy" to send her some painkillers, too. Limbaugh is an expert in pharmaceutical pain management.

Bush Reappoints Loyal Friend To Run Agency
WASHINGTON, D.C., November 14, 2006 For the second time, The Greatest President--EVER! tried to nominate Kenneth Y. Tomlinson to receive a government salary, thus qualify him for a tax-payer-subsidized retirement.

Wikiality.com learned today that "nominater-haters" have attempted to interfere with God's plan. Three Satanic minions have urged The Greatest President--EVER! to remove Mr. Tomlinson from consideration to a post for which he has been under investigation since the last time he was nominated.

"The Democratic Party has tried to muddy this nomination with charges of misconduct," an unnamed Republican staffer commented, "and speaking on behalf of Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, all this accountability talk just makes Him sad."

"We're the victims here," embattled lobbyist, Jack Abramoff stated from the back seat of a squad car, "accountability is the last bastion of a desperate hater. Like I always say 'hate the playa, not the game'."

Barbra Streisand did not return Wikiality.com's calls about her involvement in the scandal. ###