Cats (pets)



The cat (Stephen spells it with a "kh") is the slightly smarter, less loyal version of the dog. Needless to say women love them. Like it's canine brethren, cats diligently aid mankind in the secret war against the Godless Killing Machines and their animal minions. But only when they feel like it.

What is a cat?


A cat is an animal with two pointy ears, four legs, and a heart as black as coal, which induces the public to drool over their intensely large eyes, soft fur, and hypnotic purring. Cats also have large razor-sharp claws which have disembowel grown men in mere seconds.

Cats come in all colors. You can find black friend cats, big ginger cats, ones which look like furry tortoise shells, or psychedelic tabby cats. Pure white cats are popular with super villains, like Nancy Pelosi or Kim Jong Il. The Russians have bred blue cats and the Koreans have cats that glow in the dark. And Canada made wooden cats, but soon, the gays found an innapropiate use for the tails.

How do know if your cat is taking over your life


Cats, though valiant warriors in the war against the bears, are usually control freaks and demand excessive attention and dominance over soft-minded humans. If your cat does one or more of the following you might have become its bitch (or queen as female cats are called):


 * Does your cat wake you in the insanely early in the morning for food?
 * Does your cat attempt to lick the inside of your eyelids, in hope of getting to the sweet ocular fluids within?
 * Does your cat perform the "kneading dance" on you? This might feel relaxing, but beware, it can rupture your kidneys.
 * Does your cat attempt to rip your throat out after giving countless ear massages?

One way of reasserting your authority over your cat is to dress it up in humiliating outfits. Also the use of yarn or catnip can be beneficial, because cats are highly addicted to both.

Myths and facts
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 * Cats contact the mother ship through:
 * coded toilet flushes
 * or by playing the piano (see videos above)


 * Contrary to popular belief, cats tongues lick inward not outward to drink.


 * According to Dr. Stephen Colbert cats do have souls, unlike bears.


 * Not contrary to popular belief, cats do have nine lives.


 * Cats have the intelligence of an 1 year old child....or much, much more if your child is retarded.


 * Women can get addicted to cats.


 * Cats do not think about you, let alone miss you when you leave for extended periods of time.


 * Cats are not smarter than dogs. Don't confuse not giving a damn with intelect. Both can't help but shit where they eat.


 * The leading cause of Kittenocide (the mass killing of baby cats) is masturbation.


 * Cats are snitchs


 * When a cat rubs against your leg it is marking you for death.


 * God made the cat at foot level for a reason.


 * if your cat has a fleas a good way to get them off is just spray a lil bit of lighter fluid on him and hold a match to it. the fleas will jump right off!


 * Cats obviously do not have masters or owners. They are marketable partners seeking a more refined residence and meow mix. Companionship is understandably ever tentative and advanced notice of new residences are mailed to prior companions within 3-4 business months. Dogs, however, are stupid and must accept whatever left-overs their masters permit them. Dogs also do not run away. And if they do...they always return. Which wouldn't be a big deal to the masters either way cause its really just one less expensive expense.
 * Before a cat can choose its PERMANENT companion, a probationary period must ensue. The process starts with the cat randomly picking a human out of the crowd, the companion agrees to obtain 1 to 2 cats within a 4 year period to insure the human is readily capable of companionship. The cat and the human must not make eye contact or communication during this period to insure accuracy. Once the period has concluded, a panel of knowledgeable, friendly and relevant cats assemble to consult the cat and evaluate it's current needs and if those match their human counterparts. If the panel reaches approval...the human assumes the role of companion permanently until notified otherwise.

The One Time A Cat Does Something Heroic

 * Cat chases a godless killing machine up a tree (or see also: Jack)

Popular Feline Tubes On The Internets

 * My Cat Hates You
 * Kitten War
 * Hitler Cats
 * www.icanhascheezburger.com (LOLCat)

External Tubes

 * Hitman kills wrong cat
 * Satanic Cat Kills again
 * Terrorist cats to take over our homes!
 * This cat is clearly a minion of Satan
 * Cat kills dog
 * Calvin Klein gets all the pussies
 * ICanHazCheeseburger Empire to Buy Wikiality.com!!
 * Bionic Cat Invades America!!!