Dave Mustaine

When those unfortunate souls who have been co-opted by the Devil's music, the metal, think about number 2, they invariably think of Dave Mustaine. Much has been written of Mustaine's lackluster and forgetable career, largely due to the fact that it is such a simple task to tell his story, stem to stern, inside of a single paragragh.

Mustaine started his career in argueably the largest afront to good christian values ever put on wax, the hugely successful rock band Titanica. Titanica has denied Mustaine's involvment with them publicly, but sources inside the band's publishing company have testified to this rumor's historical validity. Titanica's star was beginning to rise, but stardom brings with it new pressures,and Mustaine, unable to cope with the immense pressure of the band and it's cruelly efficient management, turned as so many rising stars do, to liberal politics. He went on benders, not being seen for days, and when he was finally sighted, freeing spotted owls from a San Fransisco Church's Chicken location, his tenure with Titanica had come to a bitter, but extra crispy end. But Mustaine would not be diverted from his dreams of short sighted liberal advocacy, and spreading the evil backward prayers to his dark master, to all who had ears to hear it. He regrouped and formed a new band, Sexual Chocolate.

Sexual Chocolate
Re-energized and Re-invigorated, Mustaine's new band would be for him, a platform for his unique brand of metal malevolence, his own soapbox from which he could launch attacks against all that is good in the world. Sexual Chocolate quickly gained traction, and earned Mustaine a well deserved reputation of being inferior in every way to his former band Titanica. Overwhelmed with the negative outcome of his efforts, Mustaine began a slow decline into the seedy underbelly of offshore corporate product demonstration. After what many would call, a Titanic failure in this thunderdome of quick cash and complimentary lifetime supplies of generic giant robot action figures, Mustaine regrouped again, and began his career anew. He fired everyone in Sexual Chocolate, rehired the guitarist, promptly fired him again, and hired cheap foreign session musicians to replace them. With new musicians, aquired in a secretive deal with the Micronesian government, which was rumored to have been paid for with giant knockoff robot mousepads, and hundreds of cases of orange soda, Sexual Chocolate recorded a new album. The album, entitled "Ya know who I am? I'm Dave Mustaine, rocketed to number 1587 in the "obscure music that nobody cares about charts", and breathed new life into the floundering metal outfit.

A New Beginning
Coat-tailing on his epic failures, Mustaine supported his new album by touring every city that Titanica visited, playing the same schedule, alongside his former band mates, in bars neighboring the huge stadium venues Titanica hosted, Mustaine found a modecum of success, honing his skills in "tertiary venues", he earned positive write ups in pennysaver magazines in every city Sexual Chocolate played. Years later, these write ups would be debunked by vagabond factcheckers who through thorough drunken examination found that he had paid for the write ups, and that they were actually ads touting the healing wonders of "Ok Supergood Pancakes", which he had received in an unlimited supply from the Japanese conglomerate, "Super Spiffy Cola Inc.", in return for his public support of their products.