Manatee



Manatees, also known as sea cows, are old and wise and know many tales of the sea. Similar to many old and wise Americans, manatees are morbidly obese and live along the coasts of Florida. Researchers debate as to wether or not manatees are born douchebags or they just are raised that way by their parents. Reports of a growing gay manatee population in Key West are unconfirmed.

Manatee Habitat


Despite the claims of most fear-mongering environmentalists, manatee habitats have grown significantly in the past 50 years. This is incredibly dangerous to the humans in surrounding areas for a number of reasons. First off, manatees are the number one cause of cancer in the United States and South America. Additionally, these evil creatures sprout wings at night and take joy in setting fire to human infants. There have even been reports that they eat bald eagles for Thanksgiving.



Manatee Diet


Manatees (see exhibit A)are known to consume massive quantities a wide variety of different things and as a result, are responsible for much of the world hunger problem today. Researches have developed a list of what manatees tend to consume- the list includes but is not limited to: unborn fetus', bald eagles, ethnic minorities, children of all ages, UNICEF workers, the occasional pirate hooker and lettuce.

Favorite Games


A favorite game of the playful manatees is to ride in the wakes of boats, much like their smaller dolphin cousins. A new public service announcement campaign in Florida urges boaters to “Save the Manatees…from Boredom!” by speeding up in manatee zones. This program aims to help manatee communities by providing an after-school activity for young manatees, as well as a much-needed exercise program for their parents.

Another favorite game of Manatees is to get twisted in nets and to try to get out. This is classified as a extreme sport.

Uses of Manatees
The manatee carcass can be utilized for a number purposes. There are countless recipes for manatee meat, Body and flipper meat cuts are excellent choices for burgers, casseroles, ground meat, soups and stews. Peduncle and tail meat work well for roasts, steaks and barbecue. Regardless of which cut of meat you use, you will find manatee to be a very delicious and versatile meat. It is also low in fat, making it a great item for the calorie conscious person. In the wintertime, the skin of baby manatee pups make delightful boots for your children to wear. As a result of the fact that manatees excrete cyanide from their anus', these aquatic creatures are also a major supplier of poison to Russia, and a number of developing nations for the use of political assasinations and supressing the general public.

Manatees in Popular Culture
For unkown reasons, the popularity of manatees has increased greatly in the past century. Some theorists claim that manatees have gained control over the entertainment industry (see 2 girls 1 cup) as a means of enslaving the human race through mind control. Whatever the reason, manatees ahve reached cult status around the world. The 2001 debut of "Planet of the Manatees" starring Mark Wahlberg was an eye opening documentary of the travesties currently taking place in Dubai. However, the film never made it to the box offices for the reason that a terrorist group of manatees assasinated the director and destroyed all of the tapes.