Glenn Beck


 * "AWWWWW YEAH, YA SICK TWISTED FREAK!"
 * &mdash;Glenn Beck

Glenn Beck, is an American reporter who has his own show on CNN. For an entire hour, Glenn explains why he is right, and you are wrong, about everything. Glenn also enjoys shooting endangered species, in much the same way Dick Cheney enjoys shooting quails and hunting buddies.

Glenn's Childhood
Like many of Glenn's grade school peers, glenn grew up in a moderately upper class family in a clean suburban community. When the Beck household was suddenly robbed in the middle of the night by drunken enraged minorities and then left for dead, the family moved back to a sleepy town in Kansas to freeload off of Glenn's grandparents on their 10 acre ranch.

To this day, when Glenn reminisces of days spent on the ranch and work done; of running through the corn fields, the wind blowing, and playing house like a pussy in his gay little tree house. Glenn can't help but smile.

Later, when money got tight and times were rough, the Beck family ranch was bought out by a black family. The old farmhouse was turned into a meth lab, it's mighty fields now grow marijuana, and they let hippies come over and use the tree house to get high, sleep all day, and have unprotected sex in.

Glenn's Career in Broadcasting
Glenn started in radio by winning a local radio contest to be a loud-mouthed, self-righteous prick for an hour. He hosted on various stations, but lost the job when he failed to complete a shift due to his drunken patronizing rants about jews.

HAPPY FEET GATE
Happy Feet was a movie to promote Al Gore's doomsday agenda. In the winter of 2006, Glenn began airing repeated warnings of the movement's propaganda found embedded within this child's animated motion picture. America's children were simply too retarded to understand the deep meaning behind this seemingly feel-good nazi footage, thus Glenn summoned the support of his non-biased listeners.

It wasn't long before Gore's penguin cult were running rampant through the streets of New York performing blood orgies and other hippie stuff like increasing the minimum way. Glenn Beck discovered a significant amount of slime in the sewers of New York which synthetically reproduced and fed on the endless talks of global warming and climate change. Glenn retroactively summoned all 1980's jazzercisers to defend America and it's freedom.

The two forces soon confronted one another and engaged in a pussy-footed melee. Lead by Glenn, they soon commenced the best choreographed over-taking of an evil clan in the history of Beck's blatant alcoholism

Like most of Glenn's alcoholic delusions, the jazzercisers didn't actually kill the clan but simply flutter kicked and stomped until the penguins were spooked off and ran into the hills. To this day, the penguins are thought to be taking refugee wherever the hell Gore hid after those 2000 elections.

RAMAHANUKWANZMAS
RamaHanuKwanzMas is a word Glenn Beck coined in a completely necessary last ditch effort to defend himself against the jesus-hating hollyweirds that have oppressed glenn and his loved ones. Muslims, blacks, jews, pedophiles, tom cruise, and katrina victims believe only their holidays matter and their satanic anti-american beliefs should be taken seriously.

HUMOR - Maybe it's just me...
Glenn has always been a valued source for family oriented humor. Glenn's humor can be found in use in offices, golf ranges, brunches, synagogues, churches, softball games, ham radio clubs, and the 1940s-1950s. Once every four years, all of Glenn's friends get together and exchange humor and taking points...this is called the republican national convention. GFG!

What He Knows
According to Glenn, the following will happen in the near-future:


 * The end of the world
 * World War III
 * Iran will invade Poland.
 * Geraldo Rivera will get hit by a train
 * John Kerry will transform into a fire-truck and call himself Optimus Prime
 * Canada will steal all of America's taffy
 * Glenn Beck will rule the world
 * Poland will invade China. Of course America will be the final winner.
 * Knows Muslims (some of his friends are Muslims, and he has been inside mosques)
 * Took about a year to hate 9/11 victims