Jew

Jews share a common tradition with Christians in that they follow the Old Testament. Since the Bible is the complete Word of God and is composed of the Old and New Testament this means Jews are half right. Unfortunately, as close as Jews are to salvation, close only counts in horseshoes and hand-grenades. Jews are therefore going to hell along with heretics, otherwise known as Protestants, Gays, liberals, terrorists and anyone else who doesn't follow the teachings of the Holy Catholic and Apostolic Church.

The Jews killed Jesus Christ. Mel Gibson was right. They hired the Romans to nail him up on that Cross and everything. Now, some people are pissed at them for that, and Jesus has his smiting hand all set for them come Judgment Day. But, Jesus' Dad asked everyone not to murder them. Don't ask why (What part of Ineffable Plan do you not understand?) just know that sparing the life of a Jew now will save good every Christian. We need the Jews so that they're messiah can be our anti-Christ so that when the Second Coming happens the Loving and Merciful Creator of All Life can get a smiting just like in Left Behind, If you've been good you get front row seats to the parts right out of the Saw movies. Which means you gotta be thankfully for the murder of the the One True Lord, weird as it seems. Please note, while the Jews are guilty of killing Jesus despite not being the ones who nailed him to the cross, not everyone who gives orders to torture are as guilty as they are. Plus, crucifixion and waterboarding are not torture.

Jews might be going to hell, but not until they serve their purpose here on Amercia's Planet as they are of vital interest to America because they run the State of Israel which is America's most important ally in the world. Dr. Stephen Colbert is the "Greatest Friend that the State of Israel Ever Had." This is in spite of the fact that the Israelis can't seem to get there act together and rebuild the Temple of Solomon so we could have the Apocalypse already.

Sects of Judaism
There are four sects of Judaism (also known as Goat-Paths to Nowhere):
 * Orthodoxy: This is the most orthodox sect. These are the dudes in the suits, kippot, tallitot, hats, and little curly hairs on the sides. They hate equality and progressive thinking. They do whatever the Torah tells them. Other Jews think these Jews are uptight momzers and insane in the membrane.
 * Conservativism: The majority of Jews. It's those who want to sound religious but aren't really. Basically, their services are shorter but they still hate each other.
 * Reconstructionism: A little less religious than Conservatives, a lot less into prayer and more into social action, egalitarianism, liberal thinking, and more modern, cultural, and spiritual than any other sect. Thusly, there's almost none of them.
 * Reform: Liberal pinko Jews who don't care about God, but want Bar Mitzvah parties anyway.

The Origins of the Jews
Starting in 4405bc on October 9th at 8:14 am, the Jews became God's chosen people when God created Adam, who was a Jew. Of course Adam screwed everything up when he listened to Eve and ate the apple. Thus man got kicked out of the Garden of Eden. For the next fourty-four hundred and five years Jews remained God's chosen people even though they pissed him off bad. He kept punishing them by flooding them and handing them over to one Empire or another. Finally he got sick of trying to punish the Jews and sent Jesus to save them. But they didn't listen.

Fun Fact: The Jews wear little hats known as harmonicas.



Important Jewish Rituals
Bris (for 8-Day-Old Boy): Have the foreskin of the peepee get chopchop.

Bar (boy)/Bat (girl) Mitzvah (13-year-olds): Read from the Torah (our holy book, like the New Testament, the Koran, or sci-fi novels by L. Ron Hubbard) for the first time, then have a party.

Shabbat (every Friday night through Saturday): Sabbath, day of rest, light candles, eat bread, drink wine, etc. Religious Jews don't drive, use electricity, or actually do anything else but eat.

The High Holy Days (September): Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur, Jewish New Year and day of repentance

Passover (Spring): Celebrate the Jew's freedom from their enslavement in Egypt. We made some awesome pyramids but didn't like getting beaten.


 * The dates aren't always the same because Jews use a lunar calendar, rather than a solar calendar. Nobody knows why.

Things Controlled by Jews
Some people get a little pissed when you say this, but Jews run stuff. Some stuff is bad, like the New York Times and Hollywood, some is good, like the Neo-Con Movement and the State of Israel. Jews are funny that way. They hedge their bets. But that doesn't mean Bill Krystal or Dennis Prager can't kick Al Gore's and Al Franken's asses back to France. Cause for all the liberal Jews the good guys got some too.

Fun Fact: Jews invented the A-bomb, and the H-bomb and the Nucular Bomb. Which means Jews are The Bomb.

The Spanish Inquisition
In 2006 the Christians, led by Ann Coulter, decreed all Jews must be perfected to Christianity or be banished. Many Jews left. Many other Jews, however, had already put money down for time-share condos and had no choice but to convert or lose their deposit. These Jews converted, only to be hunted down and accused of heresy for being Jews. This prompted most Jews to protest the inquisition, saying, "Isn't that a bit of a catch-22?"

The Grand Inquisitor had a very sophisticated method of interrogation. Observe:

INQUISITOR: Are you a Jew?

JEW: No.

INQUISITOR: Are you sure you're not a Jew?

JEW: Yes.

INQUISITOR: Oh, well sorry to bother you. Would you fancy staying for cake?

JEW: Is it chocolate? I'm allergic to chocolate.

INQUISITOR: It's a mind-blowing lemon pound cake.

JEW: Hmm, maybe just a nosh...

INQUISITOR smiles a sinister smile.

JEW: Damn.

What Jews Do
Oddly, Jews don't all sound like Jackie Mason. Only Jews over 45 sound like Jackie Mason. Everyone else talks normal, although more nasal, like they're hawking phlegm. This might have to do with learning to talk Hebrew.

They like to eat Chinese and watch movies while ignoring the Birthday of our Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ.

Many Jews follow weird eating laws, consisting of NO milk with meat, NO pork, NO shellfish, and plenty of gifelte fish and matzoh. Which means they can't have a bacon cheese burger, which makes you almost feel sorry they've gotta go to hell, cause a life without a bacon cheeseburger is hell on earth.

Also they read books. All the time. And books that aren't in English. Not even in Spanish, which is bad enough. They read books written in a 6004 year old (next October) dead language. What kind of a waste of time is that?

Famous Jews
Notable Jews include:
 * Hollywood
 * Larry Silverstein
 * Barbra Streisand
 * Sammy Davis, Jr.
 * Wolf Blitzer
 * Howard Stern (half Jew)
 * Your accountant
 * All jewelers
 * John Stewart
 * Ron Silver
 * Natalie Portman
 * John Stewart
 * Whoopi Goldberg
 * Paul Krugman
 * John Stewart again

For Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur, 2006
Stephen Colbert offered Jews the opportunity to apologize to him by phone, and even went so far as to buy a special Kosher phone number, 1-888-OOPS-JEW, for Jews to do this.

Stephen is still waiting, for these Jews to call
Stephen is Christian and will accept apologies all year long.
 * Senator George Allen
 * Senator Joe Lieberman
 * Dick Cohen of The Washington Post

External Tubes
An Official Jew Tube