Buddha



Buddha is the false god of Buddhism. While some people refer to God as "All That Is," the Buddhists refer to their god as "Eats All There Is."

Or as Our Glorious Stephen put it:

The goal of Buddha's teachings was to eliminate suffering from existence. Hence, the orange robe Buddhists wear has become the international symbol for "No Suffering."

Buddha Was Not Like Jesus
Buddha was born after Jesus, which makes him a coattail-rider. Before Jesus, it was very hard to get a mass of undifferentiated followers to mindlessly adhere to your every command. Just ask Moses: he made frogs rain from the sky, and the Jews still wouldn't listen to him unless he beat them over the head with rocks.

Jesus changed all that, though. After his glorious appearance as God-Made-Flesh on this earth, humans were willing to accept the crazy babblings of almost any idiot who claimed some kind of holy inspiration or "enlightenment." Just ask "Reverend" Moon: that dude is crazy, and his followers are willing to do anything he wants.

Buddha also differed from Jesus in other important ways. Jesus was the Son of God who sacrificed himself for the sins of humanity. Buddha was just some nobly born supreme-type being who gave up everything he owned in order to lead people to a better way of life. Jesus was a well known teacher who instructed people to seek happiness not in wealth or other earthly possessions, but by attending to their spiritual salvation through good deeds and prayer. Buddha was just this weird sage-like figure who told people that they would never be happy as long as they clung to "attachments" for "impermanent things," and that they should seek enlightenment through attending to virtuous acts and mindfulness.

But perhaps the most important difference can be discerned through this comparison: Jesus had a six-pack, while Buddha had a serious eating disorder.

Buddha, The Spoiled Rich Kid
Buddha was in many ways the first liberal hippie. Instead of getting a job, he decided to dedicate his life to sitting on his ass. For a long time, he sat on his ass in his father's fancy-pants palace, living the life of some prehistoric Asian Richie Rich. This was all pretty sweet, and would have probably been the way he lived out the rest of his life, but Buddha's Dad forgot one day and let his son look out the window while they were driving around in their slave-carried divan. Buddha accidentally saw some poor people, and the rest was history.

Buddha, The Downer
After Buddha saw the poor people, he suddenly got all Moaning Myrtle on everyone and decided he would leave his cushy palace life behind. So he went and sat on his ass under a tree for twenty years straight until he could figure out why there was so much sadness and suffering in the world.

"Ohhh, life is suffering," the big fat crybaby would proclaim. "And the origin of suffering is attachment." Well isn't that just soooo sad? "The cessation of suffering is attainable," he would cry, like a little girl whose pigtails had been pulled. "The path to the cessation of suffering is called the Eightfold Path," the Blubbering Buddha wimpily wept to his flaccid followers. His followers cried aloud, "Show us this path, Oh Enlightened One!" And they all had a pity party and learned how to eliminate attachments and delusions and learned how to see the truth in all things. Well, boo-hoo. Cry me a river, Siddhartha.

Buddha, The First Hippie
After the tree-shaded weep fest, Buddha came up with the "Eightball Path," which taught his followers how to eliminate suffering from their sad, pathetic little lives. His religion teaches people how to sit on their asses and be happy all the time, which usually means smoking a lot of pot. Even today, you can see his worshipers in their orange robes lighting sticks of marijuana (pronounced nirvana in Buddhist) and snorting the smoke.

Buddha Trivia

 * Not as good as Jesus
 * Is really fat
 * Not the same person as Confucius. (probably)
 * Likes to laugh for no apparent reason
 * Returns to America's Planet, just to screw with people's heads.
 * Heads a Religion that is not American.
 * Buddhism is not the one that makes you last longer in bed, either.
 * Hates America.
 * Allen Ginsberg was a Buddhist, and just look at what his views on NAMBLA were.
 * Buddhists are good bowlers.
 * Buddhists don't know shit about martial arts.
 * Played by Patrick Swayze in the film Point Break.
 * The American version of the name Buddha is "Bubba" which comes from "Blubba" which is what whales are made of.