Cornholistry

Cornholistry
Cornholistry is the social order which the prophet Joseph Smith prophecied in his hitherto forbidden Journals. Envisioning a world where Robert Cornhole was recognized as America's primary founding father and thus the greatest king of the free world since Jesus, Smith said: "Our Cornhole is the creator's second most worshipful gift. He bends over only to Jesus. And verily, I, nay, all of us are cornholists so long as we wait for Jesus to come, so long as we labor at cornholistry." Some have thus taken cornholistry to mean more a practice of worship or submission than a social order per se.

The Crown of Cornhole
The mythic "Crown of Cornhole," as Joseph Smith called it, is the holy grail of Cornholistry. It is reputed that Joseph Smith wrote in his Journals that "he who best submits his own cornhole, he whom Jesus enjoys most, will don the crown." Some cornholists were of the opinion that Mitt Romney, himself initiated into Smith's Mormon project and himself an attractive cornholist, would be enjoyed by Jesus the most and thus come to wear the crown of cornhole, thereby leading the free world and taking the reins of cornholistry. When however Mitt Romney's political power (but not his cornholism) waned, many cornholists thought the most cornholy man alive was Glenn Beck. Glenn Beck had long been a cornholist but when he converted to Mormonism, his fellow cornholists believed that Beck himself might be able to seek out the crown of cornhole and thus become the most noble, the cornholiest of cornholes. Beck however, seeing that Stephen Colbert had revealed the sacred truth of the truth enterprise of cornholism when he made it public knowledge that Robert Cornhole was America's founding father, appears to have called upon Colbert to usher in the age of Cornholistry.