Breaking News/Archive/032007

New Orleans Rebuilding Complete
NEW ORLEANS, LOUISIANA, March 30, 2007--

Just a few scant months after The Greatest President Ever declared New Orleans a disaster area, it has experienced a miraculous recovery.

And no thanks to Nancy Pelosi or any other liberal.

George Orwell, lead manager for The Greatest Administration Ever's "America's Largest Port Fix" (a special project headed by FEMA, which they started just because), has successfully fixed an entire city way faster than anyone ever has, including that one time San Francisco had that little earthquake.

"We saw an area that needed fixing, and we went in with our vast surplus and army of volunteers from all around the country and even a few international communities such as Iraq and Mexico," Mr. Orwell told Wikiality.com, "and now everything is exactly like it was before Bill Clinton caused Katrina. Go to google maps and check it out for yourself."

Wikiality.com did go over to Google Maps and saw everything was as Mr. Orwell said it was and would always stay that way.

God Bless You, Mr. Orwell!

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***UPDATE***

It appears Nancy Pelosi can't leave well enough alone! She has used her power as Speaker of the House to force The Google into only using images of New Orleans during Katrina.

Read the whole sordid mess here!

What an asshole!

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British Sailors Held Hostage by Terrorists!!!
DUBAI, UNITED ARAB EMIRATES, March 25, 2007--

Fifteen sailors of the Royal British Navy have been taken hostage by terrorists in what many are describing as a clear attack by Iran on the Coalition of the Willing.

"We will not stand by as one of our staunchest allies in the War on Terror is so blatantly and maliciously attacked without provocation," an unnamed Polish official told Wikiality.com, "and it is definitely not another Gulf of Tonkin Incident. I repeat, this is not not another Gulf of Tonkin Incident.  We do not have to use this incident as a reason to attack or invade Iran.  We already have that in place, excuse me, my English, she's not so good...um...we have no plans to attack or invade the sovereign nation of Iran, or any other muslim nation in the Axis of Evil.  We would just as soon attack North Korea, if they were involved in this heinous, barbaric act."

When asked to respond, Rahm Emanuel refused to answer unless Wikiality.com vowed never to post the name Stephen Colbert ever again, Wikiality.com told him we had to talk to our lawyers and left him on hold.

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Liberals Infiltrate University, Deny Jeb Bush Award
TALLAHASSEE, FLORIDA, March 24, 2007--

In a tradition that goes back to its discovery, the former governor of Florida travels throughout his state to receive accolades and praise from all he meets once.

But, for Jeb Bush, this final farewell would be different. Ever since liberals attempted to steal the 2000 election from Jeb's brother, The Greatest President Ever, the political climate in Florida has been compromised.

Reports of vote-counting and transcripts have increased dramatically since that fateful day.

Rumors abound about the sheer number of Jews who have taken it upon themselves to create chaos for the helpless Cuban population by becoming recent residents to the Sunshine state.

"We welcome all kinds of people to my state," Mr. Bush said during the 2000 liberal vote scandal, "despite how Jewish or liberal they are."

And his policies reflect his dedication to Compassionate Conservatism.

During his terms as governor of Florida, Mr. Bush passed many laws favoring Jews and liberals:


 * the Jew Identification Act, a law that celebrated the Jews with large gold stars for them to wear so people could say, "Shalom!"
 * the Liberal Identification Act, a law similar to the Jew ID Act, but where liberals are given pinbk stars to proudly wear on their sleeves

With all that in the forefront of America's minds, what could possibly prevent a public school from awarding Mr. Bush with an award he so rightly deserves?

One of the liberals who was behind this disgraceful oversight told Wikiality.com that Mr. Bush deserves no recognition considering his involvement in the Terri Schiavo debacle.

This Wikiality.com reporter punched him in the nose, and took his wallet.

To combat Florida's liberal infestation, Wikiality.com offers a special page, for Real Americans to Give Jeb Bush An Award.

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Animal Rights Activists Want Bear Killed
Heeding the vigillent warnings of Stephen Colbert, now even animal rights activists are supporting the killing of a bear.

The Godless killing machine in question is a baby polar bear named Knut, who currently uses his fearsome 19lb bulk to terrorize Berlin Zoo. And according to Frank Albrecht, an animal rights spokesman, "The zoo must kill the bear."

Publically, Albrecht fears the killer beast will suffer humiliation as a domestic pet. But in truth this revelation is a clear sign that even hippy tree-hugging liberals are learning to accept that bears are a deadly threat to man's holy subjugation of our terrifying planet.

What next a terrorist openly admitting to countless crimes?!

FULL STORY

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Ben & Jerry's Recalls 250,000 Pints of Willie Nelson's Country Peach Cobbler
ATLANTA, GA (March 19, 2007) - Georgia Agriculture Commissioner Tommy Irvin reports that some Ben & Jerry’s ice cream is being voluntarily recalled because it contains wheat not listed on the product container.

Ben & Jerry's, South Burlington, Vermont, in cooperation with the Food and Drug Administration, is voluntarily recalling 250,000 pints of its Ben & Jerry's Country Peach Cobbler Ice Cream: Peach Ice Cream with Cinnamon-Sugar Shortbread Pieces & a Peach Swirl ("Country Peach Cobbler"), because it contains undeclared wheat weed.

FULL STORY

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The Greatest President Ever Offers Democrats A View of A Government At Work
CRAWFORD, TEXAS, March 20, 2007--

The Greatest President Ever has offered the democrats an exclusive look into how their wildly successful and efficient administration operates.

Wikiality.com insiders have received exclusive details:
 * 1) a private walking tour with Harriet Miers similar to Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis' White House tour
 * 2) the private audience will continue with a slide show of candid photos from the Karl Rove collection
 * 3) finally, members of the democrat contingient will be allowed to tour the grounds of The Greatest President Ever's ranch with Dick Cheney riding shotgun.

No word yet if Patrick Leahy has accepted this generous offer.

See Also: Mr. Rove's open letter to Mr. Leahy

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Al Gore Challenged By Americans!
PERTH, SCOTLAND, NORTH AMERICA, March 19, 2007--

The King of "global warming" (which doesn't even exist, but if it did, it would be called "Climate Change") has been officially challenged to a debate and to answer questions posed to him by Real Americans before the debate at another debate!!!

Eat It! Tree-hugger!

The vast majority of Americans logged onto JunkScience.com and helped create 20 questions that Al Gore had better answer when he comes before congress on March 21, 2007.

And after he gets his ass handed to him by all those Americans, he can face a debate with a Scotsman, The Viscount Monckton of Brenchley in another debate against his blasphemous beliefs.

Try to get out of that lockbox, Al!

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Wikiality Beats Wikipedia In Page Views


Full Story

Democrats Question Covert CIA Agent
WASHINGTON, D.C., March 15, 2007--

In a blatant breach of National Security, democrats thirsty for Christian blood, subpeonaed a covert CIA agent and questioned her under oath.

"It's simply disgraceful," an unnamed White House employee told Wikiality.com, "clearly the democrats do not care about the troops. Or any person involved in National Security.  Their hate for The Greatest President Ever prevents from seeing how questioning a covert CIA operative could hurt the safety and security of not just the agent but every one of her contacts."

The covert agent, whose code name (Joseph Wilson's Wife) was disclosed during the 16-hour investigation, wore a low-slung sheer white blouse barely covered by a businesswoman's jacket of an undisclosed color.

It was not clear if this agent wore a skirt or slacks.

Her sudden appearance before the committee was preceeded by a puff of smoke which took five minutes to dissipate and explained her husky voice.

The agent explained to the meddling democrats that she wanted to retire, had been thinking about it for some time and was really just looking for a way out.

Futhermore, she stated her desires to leave her husband for a reporter she had been romantically linked to and to whom she disclosed her CIA status to in the hopes of leaving both her husband and the agency.

"I feel that I am finally free of this trap of the feminazi," the agent testified under oath, "now I can get back to doing God's work: for the children, my country and my man, Robert Novak, whose child I am carrying."

The agent was excused, and none of the democrats apologized or resigned after the shameful posturing of a non-story of a non-crime.

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Emanuel tells freshmen Democrats to avoid Stephen Colbert
By Jonathan E. Kaplan March 15, 2007

Rep. Rahm Emanuel (D-Ill.), the Democratic Caucus chairman, has told new Democratic members of Congress to steer clear of Stephen Colbert, or at least his satirical Comedy Central program, “The Colbert Report.”

“He said don’t do it … it’s a risk and it’s probably safer not to do it,” said Rep. Steve Cohen. But the freshman lawmaker from Tennessee taped a segment that last week was featured in the 32nd installment of the “Better Know a District” series. Colbert asked Cohen whether he was a black woman. He isn’t.

FULL STORY

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Terrorist Confesses To Crimes!
GUANTANAMO BAY, CUBA, March 15, 2007--

Patience pays off for America-lovers! Staying The Course proves righteous!

Finally after years of tenacious interrogation and prayer, Al Qaeda's Number Two Man has confessed to all crimes, and the search for bin Laden has been called off indefinately!

To see the full list of crimes Mr. Mohammed as confessed to, click here.

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Wordonistas Add "wiki" to OED
LONDON, ENGLAND, March 15, 2007--

The official self-appointed keepers of the "English" language, the makes of the Oxford English Dictionary (OED), have taken a cue from other coattail-riders and awarded The Honorable Professor Dr. Stephen T. Colbert, D.F.A. with yet another honor, just so they can be mentioned on their favorite nerd-fest along with his glorious name.

They are nothing but assholes (volume I, page 473).

The OED definazis will set aside a special vial of their very best ink to add the word "wiki" to the next edition of their book. Like anyone really cares what those panty-waists think (volume XXIV, page 242).

Other recent additions to this precious comiplation of trivia are:
 * 1) hoody (also hoodie) (noun) informal - a person, especially a youth, wearing a hooded top.
 * 2) bling bling (noun) informal - the decorative, yet inexpensive, jewelry prominently worn by a person, especially a youth.
 * 3) wedge issue (noun) informal - the wardrobe malfunctions often experienced by people, especially youths, who wear clothing that is not an ideal fit.

Apparently, the editors at OED like to steal from America's urban youth, the bastards (volume III, page 77).

For more information, go to hell, Wikiality.com doesn't deal "reading" that's a drug we stay far away from. Dr. Colbert don't prescribe hate.

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Stephen Colbert displays Captain America's Shield on TV
Political pundit now in posession of legendary weapon

Following up on yesterday's story reporting that Captain America's shield was missing, we've learned that Cap's shield has resurfaced and is now in the hands of Stephen Colbert, host of Comedy Central's "The Colbert Report."

Colbert... received a letter from Marvel EIC Joe Quesada, presenting the shield to the late night talk show host. Quesada's letter states that Steve Rogers bequeathed the shield to Colbert in his Will, which was read last Friday.

After reading the letter, Colbert's staff brought out the shield and the bespectacled host hefted the legendary weapon, stating, "Cap? I hope I make you proud."

Full story

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Captain America's Shield Missing
Unbreakable symbol of freedom and heroism has disappeared

Details are sketchy at this time, but a S.H.I.E.L.D. spokesperson has revealed that Captain America's shield has gone missing.

It's unclear who has taken the shield as no photographic evidence exists, but S.H.I.E.L.D. has issued an artistic rendering of the accused along with this statement. "S.H.I.E.L.D. is following several leads and we are working with the cooperation of New York City authorities to resolve this matter." Un-named sources have spotted several S.H.I.E.L.D agents in and around television studios owned by Comedy Central.

Full story

Apparently Joe Quesada didn't invite the guys from S.H.I.E.L.D. to the reading of the will.

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