Chelsea Clinton

Early Life
Chelsea Victoria Clinton was born February 27, 1980 to parents William Jefferson Clinton and Hillary Diane Rodham Clinton in a dilapidated house on a chicken farm outside of Little Rock, Arkansas. This fact, however, was not immediately known to the citizens of Little Rock until Chelsea learned to walk on two legs. After being weened from Bullet, the family beagle, she was raised primarily on TCBY Yogurt and the hay that her parents were able to beg off the neighbors.

Most of the United States was unaware of her until her parents became house-hold names when her father, who had worked his way from chicken farming to a manager of a McDonald's restaurant became first a governor of Arkansas and then announced his candidacy for President. Even then, at the age of 12, the circumstances of her birth were clouded by uncertainty. Her mother Hillary was a known lesbian and thought to have had her uterus removed (this proved to be untrue) while her father, William (or Bill as he preferred to be called), routinely found his sexual needs sated in the company of prostitutes and crack whores. It was later explained in an emotional segment on CBS's "60 Minutes" that Hillary became pregnant after accidentally rolling over in bed onto the semen left behind from a masturbation session of Bill's.

Life in the Presidency
Life in the White House was not easy at first. Upon their initial arrival at the White House, then-President Clinton was forced to house Chelsea in a barn made specially for her until DNA testing revealed that she was not a pony, but indeed a human child. Concerned with her psychological well-being, she was insulated from public schools and was, instead, taught by butlers and maids in the basement. There she fared well, making friends with the white house staff and befriend a soon-to-be famous Monica Lewinski.

She and Monica became close friends, swimming in the Presidential pool and relaxing in the sauna. After the Presidency, butler Quimby McCallister chuckled that the staff thought it was cute how, when her father was not around, they would sneak into the Oval Office to steal cigars from him to see if he noticed. Eventually, President Clinton did notice, but brushed it off as childish pranks and even, on one occasion, offered Monica one from his private collection.

Not all was fun and games, though. As Chelsea grew up, her friendship with Monica Lewinski grew stronger. During the attempts to impeach her father, the President, for lying to a Grand Jury, she fell into deep depression and began going out to party at local clubs with Monica. After a famous arrest, she was sent to the Galapagos Islands for rehabilitation amidst the sea turtles with a Haitian Shaman. After two weeks of voodoo rituals involving the drinking of goat blood and horse urine while walking over hot coals, she was allowed to return to her home in Washington, D.C.

Graduation and Later Life
After her high schooling was complete, Chelsea was ready for college and went on to garner good grades that allowed her to take a job working for the hedge fund Screw Poor Americans. With her father having now completed two terms as Presidency and her mother, Rodham Hillary Rodham Clinton Rodham Hamrod Rodham running for the position herself, the future couldn't seem brighter. Hillary now resides on an island off the coast of Massachusetts with her partner Monica Lewinsky and tries to see her father as often as possible.