Holy Bible



The Holy Bible AKA "The Good Book" or "America's Book" or "the only fucking way to please George Bush!"is the Christian's guide to life, the universe and everything. It contains the tale of Jesus and tells of how God gave Stephen Colbert The United States Constitution while he single-handedly battled the evil British Empire. The latter story was adapted to film and is now known as Star Wars.

The Bible contains The W&oslash;rd of God and is 100% truthiness. Everything in the Bible is meant to be taken literally. It is a historical document. The Bible may not be eaten, especially by bears, which are - as stated in the Gospel of Stephen - godless killing machines. The Bible also prophesies that World War III will destroy the Middle East, and then Jesus will come on a cloud of glory and Rapture up all of the true believers who support The Greatest President EVER!.

The Books
Written by Jesus in Old English and later translated into American, The Bible has an "Old Testament" and a "New and Improved Testament". Each "Testament" is divided into "Books"; each "Book" into "Verses". The really truthy "Verses" are inked in the still red blood of Christ our lord and savior. This allows them to be read alone and with out regard for the other, less truthy, material. Also, its widely known that Christ’s blood is the one blood bears are not thirsty for. (This was used by Grizzly Adams to harness the power of these Godless Killing Machines until he was torn to shreds in an incedent involving one of those fake The Bibles with a hole in it to stash money.(Or a rock hammer if you are in Shawshank State Prison.))(Note: Grizzly Adams also proved bears will eat right through wads of hundred-dollar bills; even the rich aren't safe!)

Because Stephen Colbert is not a Jew this article will not cover the "Jew Testament". Here is a list of the "Books" in the "New and Improved Testament":

The History
The original Bible was a comic book that was created in a freak accident involving lightning, a gamma ray burst, and a pack of skittles that contained no orange, as all the best books are. It was filled with illustrations of Jesus, Stephen, George W. Bush (as Bat Man) and John McCain (as Robin, the boy wonder) battling Satan, and it was a landmark of truthiness and faithiness. But during the Protestant reformation, King Henry VIII ordered the bible be made boring and facty so that the "good book" would be too confusing for anyone to understand. A few editions of the comic still remain on display at the Vatican, but they are now considered too powerful for mortals. Stephen has the entire collection. These historical accounts, however, are plainly false, as Jesus invented the REAL Bible™ in 1953 on live Television using His Jesus Powers.


 * Acts

Apocalypse

 * All You Need To Know

Bible Trivia

 * If people really followed the bible, they would know that they should be able to execute their disobedient children (Mark 7:9-7:11). This is reaffirmed in Matthew 15:3-15:5.
 * It has been said that Stephen Colbert made the Bible, but this is not quite the case. The Bible was made for him by God. Close, though.
 * It consists of thousands and thousands of very thin pages, useful for making spliffs.
 * The Message version of The Bible states, in Exodus 22:28 "Don't curse God, and don't damn your leaders."
 * The first draft of the Bible was called the Dead Sea Scrolls.
 * The second draft was the Torah.
 * The third draft was the Qur'an.
 * The fourth draft was the Book of Mormon.
 * The fifth draft was the King James Bible.
 * The sixth draft was the Gideon Bible.
 * The seventh draft was the Book of the Dead.
 * The eighth draft was the Book of Merlin.
 * The ninth draft was the Lord of the Rings.
 * The tenth draft was the Vedas.
 * The eleventh draft was the the Presidential Oath of Office.
 * The twelfth draft was the The United States Constitution.
 * The thirteenth and final draft was the perfected, complete Bible, every word of which is unquestionably true, infallible and perfect.
 * The fourteenth edition should be available sometime in the year 2010. If you preorder now you can get a copy signed by Jesus!
 * The holy bible is sacred and even more sacred when bound in leather.