Stephen Colbert/Punditry


 * This article is about Stephen Colbert the hero. For the character he plays in interviews, see Stephen Colbert (character)

The Honorable Dr. Stephen Tyrone Colbert DFA (born in the dawn of time) is a news reporter and anchor known for his romantic style, supergravitastic poise, supercalifragilisticoespidalidoso, and witty delivery. He is most famous for his work on The Colbert Report, and as the star of its knock-off, The Daily Show. The first is a hard-hitting editorial show that frequently targets the liberal media elite and other enemies of truthiness. Both are on Comedy Central.

As well as being a former member of both the Marine Corps and the A-Team, Colbert is founder of the Stephen and Melinda Gates Foundation, author of the science-fiction novel Stephen Colbert's Alpha Squad 7: Lady Nocturne: A Tek Jansen Adventure‎, and its cartoon spinoff. He is the inventor and owner of the award-winning terms wikiality and truthiness.

Stephen Colbert is not the only true American Citizen who cares for America - just the best you can watch on TV. That is, if you're heroic enough to watch.

Stephen Colbert presently has a majority holding in C-span and is in the process of converting it to a 24x7 BEAR channel dedicated to stalking, tracking and identifying ,the fecal droppings of the most vicious killing machines on the planet. This public service channel will serve as a first alert to warn you of the presence of these furry predators in your area.

Stephen Colbert also is waiting for a opening to a long desired job, World Emperor. Because there are no job openings since Alexander The Great's time, he used his skills to became a news anchor, which is actually a more powerful position anyway.

Personal life
Colbert was born in Charleston, South Carolina on James Island, where he grew up as the youngest of 11 children in a Catholic family. On September 11, 1974, when Colbert was ten years old, his father, James Colbert, the vice president for academic affairs at the Medical University of South Carolina, and his older brothers, Peter and Paul, were killed in the crash of Eastern Air Lines Flight 212 while it was attempting to land in Charlotte, North Carolina. They were reportedly en route to Connecticut to enroll the two boys in the Canterbury College. Shortly thereafter, Colbert's mother Lorna Colbert relocated the family downtown to the more urban environment of East Bay Street. By his own account, he found the transition difficult, and did not easily make new friends in his new neighborhood. Instead, he developed a love of science fiction and fantasy novels, and became an avid fan of the fantasy role-playing games, especially Dungeons & Dragons, a pastime to which he would later partially attribute his interest in acting and improvisation.

Colbert attended Charleston's awful Episcopalian Porter-Gaud School. He attended Hampden-Sydney College before transferring to Northwestern University, where he took extensive journalism courses. While there, he became involved in the school television news program "A Moment for Truth". After college he went to work at local news affiliate KTRU, as a field reporter.

He is married to Evelyn McGee-Colbert, and has three children: Madeline, Peter, and John; all of whom appeared on The Daily Show during his tenure. However, even after his marriage, he continued his previous connections with NAMBLA and the North American Association for the Prevention of Cruelty to Bald Eagles despite the wishes of his wife and family. He also has a bastard child due to an accident involving Stephen Colbert's Formula 401. This Child is none other than Eric Cartman of the reality T.V. show South Park. Although not particularly political before joining The Daily Show, Colbert is a self-described Defender of Truth, and finds that supporting our president is the most effective way of protecting the truth. His greatest fan is rumored to be a Matthew W, the greatest patriot only next to the great Stephen Colbert.

Stephen is not...
a pussy.

a liberal.

a gay.

a $cientologist

a mortal

Rurouni Kenshin. Commonly, and easily, confused.

seeing anyone (Do you hear me, Charlene?!)

dating his building manager, Tad.

from Manitoba

a pipewrench.

a comedian using the character of a gung-ho American to poke fun at the political right with statements that seem to unwittingly degrade them through a facade of deadpan delivery.

Carolina Panthers wide receiver Keary Colbert.

proud of his past (I said I was sorry, Charlene!)

Jedi
Stephen Colbert is also, secretly, a Jedi master of heroic tales. His prowess with the lightsaber is quite remarkable as evidenced by this footage.

He is also a practicing Roman Catholic, and a Sunday school teacher. Bill O'Reilly jokingly called for a boycott of The Colbert Report during an interview on The Daily Show, because he assumed that the name Colbert was French; which is believed to be a friendly inside joke, considering their obvious close relationship. Actually, O'Reilly and Colbert are frequently seen together sharing dinner and discussing hard-hitting issues like armageddon, U.S.A's world dominance, and watching the Democrats shoot themselves in the foot.

Reincarnation
Though scarcely, if ever, mentioned on his show, Stephen Colbert is an avid reincarnatee. Which historical lives he has led, however, has been a debate among Colbertologists for centuries. Some obvious and probable possibilities are:

1. Adam

2. Jesus (Some say he is not only reincarnated from the Holy Son but IS the Holy Son. Experts concluded, however, that he is infact both.)

3. Alexander the Great minus the immorality

4. Moses

5. The pagan god Zeus (And pretty much his entire family.)

6. George Washington

7. Abraham Lincoln

8. Abraham of Ur

9. King David and his posterity

10. Joseph Smith (Though unwanted, this is very likely.)

11. Winston Churchill minus the alcoholism.

12. Martial art sensations Bruce Lee and Chuck Norris (The first being to excrete existence while still alive.)

13. Senator Joseph McCarthy.

14. Ronald Reagan

15. Barbara Bush

16. Vātsyāyana

17. William H. Rehnquist

18. Girish P. Manuel

19. Bill O'Reilly

20. Jack Bauer

21. James Bond

And many more.

Finances
His investments are so well diversified, he didn't even care when Allen Greenspan retired as Federal Reserve chairman. Even his money makes money.

Stephen Colbert has supernatural, omnipotent powers. He "called" five winners of the Oscars 2006, and predicted that Manilow would win the Emmy and not him. Stephen Colbert can see the future. He also used his omnipotent powers to predict and/or convince the African elephants to increase their population by threefold (this is actually true, you non-believers). If you can see the future, you are God. Therefore, Dr. Colbert is God, if he is not, he is the messiah, Maud-dib if you will.

Early career
Colbert first worked at South Carolina news affiliate KTRU, working as a field investigative reporter, where he garnered great success for such investigative reports as: "How Liberal Local News is Destroying America", "Bears: A Study of Evil", and "Charlene: Portrait of Beauty".

In the early 1980s, Colbert briefly left the news industry to persue a lifelong dream of a career in music, becoming frontman for the band called Stephen and the Colberts. They mostly did love songs and power ballads. On the February 9, 2006 episode of the Report, Colbert unveiled a previously unreleased music video as a special Valentine's Day treat. The song was dedicated to his ex-lover Charlene and apparently does not violate the restraining order she has against him. The title of the song is "Charlene (I'm Right Behind You)" and was recorded for the album: "The Charlene Collection, Volume 1".

After leaving the music scene after being disenchanted by the liberal bias, Colbert returned to news in an anchor position in Arizona, where he developed his oft-renowned supply of gravitas, as well as a dashing mustache. He then took a job filming correspondent segments for Good Morning America. Only two of the segments he proposed were ever produced, and only one aired, but the job led his agent to refer him to the Daily Show's then-producer, Madeline Smithberg, who hired Colbert on a trial basis in 1997.

Colbert on The Daily Show


Stephen Colbert joined the cast of Comedy Central's daily-news series The Daily Show in 1997, when the show was in its second season. Originally one of four "correspondents" who taped segments from remote locations, Colbert was referred to as "the new guy" on-air for his first two years on the show, during which time Craig Kilborn served as host. When Kilborn left the show prior to the 1999 season, Jon Stewart took over hosting duties, also serving as co-executive producer.

From this point, the series gradually began to take on a more political tone, and began to increase in popularity, particularly in the latter part of 2000, during the U.S. presidential election season. The role of the show's correspondents was expanded to include more in-studio segments, as well as international reports.

Some memorable segments Colbert has appeared in for The Daily Show have included "Even Stevphen" with Steve Carell, and "This Week in God," a weekly report on topics in the news pertaining to religion, presented with the help of "The God Machine". Memorable reports include the 2001 "break-up" of the Republicans "Singing Senators" following the defection of Jim Jeffords, and the report on Prince Charles and the British media reporting of royal family scandals through suggestive innuendo. In a few episodes of The Daily Show, Colbert filled in as anchor in the absence of Jon Stewart, including the full week of March 3, 2002 when Stewart was scheduled to host Saturday Night Live. On one occasion, guest interviewee Al Sharpton failed to arrive for the taping, so Colbert filled in as Sharpton.

After Colbert left the show, the duty of filling in for Stewart was assumed by Rob Corddry. Corddry also took over the "This Week in God" segments. However, Corddry has since left the show. New episodes of The Daily Show, which continues to hemorrhage millions of viewers since the departure of Colbert in October 2005, still occasionally reuse older Colbert segments under the label "Klassic Kolbert" as a desperate cry for help.

The Colbert Report
Since October 17, 2005, Colbert has hosted his own television show, The Colbert Report, which is a personality-driven news show, that has been emulated particularly by shows such as The O'Reilly Factor and Scarborough Country.

The concept for The Report was first seen in a series Daily Show segment which advertised the upcoming series. The show opened to strong ratings, averaging 1.2 tetrillion viewers nightly during its first week on the air. Comedy Central signed a long-term contract for The Colbert Report within its first month on the air, when it immediately established itself among the network's highest-rated shows.

In January 2006, the American Dialect Society named as its 2005 Word of the Year: truthiness, which Colbert featured on the premiere episode of the Report. Colbert devoted time on five successive episodes to bemoaning the failure of the Associated Press to mention his role in popularizing the word truthiness in its news coverage of the Word of the Year.

Invited To Host Saturday Night Live
Dr. Colbert has been invited, and has accepted the hosting duties for Saturday Night Live on October 7, 2006. Why he accepted this is unknown as Dr. Colbert is not an actor or a comedian.

At the last minute, scheduling conflicts prevented Dr. Colbert from honoring his committment to host the program "Saturday Night Live" on October 7, 2006.

A spokesman for Dr. Colbert told the assembled press that Dr. Colbert accompanied Condoleeza Rice to Baghdad.

Issues of National Security prevented Dr. Colbert from disclosing the true nature of his appearances.

Presidential Campaign 2008
On October 19, 2006 Stephen Colbert announced his candidacy for President of the United States. He will run with his newly created party "America with Balls."

On an interview with Lukis100 Stephen said, "I believe this country has everything it needs. In fact, it has more than it should have. I believe America would be better off without some things. For example, bears. Those godless killing machines should be sent elsewhere, like, i don't know, Iraq."

Stephen is running on a campaing which emphasizes 8 proposals which he calls the "The Big Eight." They are:
 * 1) No to bears.
 * 2) No to people that do not watch the Colbert Report.
 * 3) No to religions that do not accept the truth, Jesus Christ the true savior.
 * 4) No to "facts" without guts.
 * 5) No to Homosexuals outside the godless state of Massachusets.
 * 6) No to people that do not go to the most truthy show on America, The Colbert Report, after being put on notice.
 * 7) No to people that Papa bear and Geraldo Rivera do not like.
 * 8) No to war.

The slogan for his campaing, "Balls for America," came to him on a dream where God told him that America needed him. His vast political experience makes him one of the top runners for the President Election of 2008. Each of Stephen's proposals are issues that have deeply affected him. For example, proposal 8. On several interviews Stephen has shared his experiences as a former POW on a war so horrible that history decided not to record it. Having been captured without any way of communicating with his beloved America, Stephen fell into a deep state of depression. Luckily for him, a fellow American by the code name 'Charlene' saved him, only to dissapear after having a short romantic relationship with Stephen. To this day Stephen cannot forget the love and affection he held for 'Charlene.'

Stephen will start campaigning "as soon as the other guys have a chance to beat me." His confidence in himself is remarkable and is said to be one of his greatest assets, along with his expertise on a wide range of subjects. His own patented method for seeing the future, "The Da Colbert Code," has allowed him to predict his seat in the White House.

Recently confirmed, after an interview with Lukis100, Jon Stewart will run with Stephen for Vice-President. When asked by Lukis100 about whether he was going to run Jon said, "Stephen approached me and we have been talking about it. It is a big decision after all and I need to think about it." After hearing the response, Lukis100 questioned Jon about whether he had the balls for running. After what could be considered perhaps the most amazing piece of journalism ever, Jon called Stephen and agreed to be his running mate.

Stephen's goal as President of the United States is to realize his vision of what a great nation should be like. A Colbert Nation if you will. For those people who admire Stephen, his campaign managers have created a website Colbert Nation, which answers questions as to how great Stephen really is.

2006 White House Correspondents' Association Dinner
See White House Correspondents' Association Dinner for details on how Colbert made this the only liberal media dinner worth attending in history.

To Be White House Press Secretary in 2008
According to FOX News, Christina Aguilera is the projected winner of the 2008 election. Her cabinet annoucments confirmed that Stephen Colbert would be White House Press Sec. Aguilera promises to kick out Helen Thomas. Christina is a huge Colbert Report fan.

Dr. Colbert and The Truthiness Monkeys
The Truthiness Monkeys (Obedience, Ignorance and Fear) were 3 monkey brothers working on writing Dan Brown's book, "The DaVinci Code" when, during a feces-throwing break, they realized the un-truthiness of writing a "fictional" book that used "facts" as it's foundation.

For days the brothers flip-flopped between throwing feces at each other and being a part of Dan Brown's lie. Finally, after listening to Rush Limbaugh for 14 hours straight, "Fear" decided enough was enough; the brothers would blow the whistle on Dan Brown and the other factonistas who controlled the "fact sweatshops" throughout the world.

"Ignorance" had no idea what "Fear" was talking about, but "Obedience" was more than happy to do what "Fear" told him to do.

And the brothers were off.

At first it was a clandestine operation; the brothers moved from "fact sweatshop" to "fact sweatshop" secretly adding their own truth to every book they worked on, until every fiction book on The New York Times bestseller list contained something from the three brothers.

It wasn't until Stephen Colbert picked up a book by Al Franken that the brothers' work was discovered. Dr. Colbert used his own patented The DaColbert Code to decifer the hidden message from the brothers in Franken's Rush Limbaugh Is a Big Fat Idiot.

Because the brothers were monkeys and had no idea what they were typing (Ignorance's idea) they didn't know what to call what they were doing (And even if they did, they were monkies and couldn't speak English).

But Stephen did.

And "truthiness" was born.

Stephen has since adopted monkies to write his TV show and treats them the way Willy Wonka treats the Oompa Loompas.

Stephen Colbert: Fitness Guru
Stephen Colbert has won the Mr. Universe title so many times, he has been officially disqualified, to give other people a chance. Colbert doesnt actually have to work out, as one cannot improve upon perfection. However, Colbert keeps fit and trim with a steady diet of the following:
 * Beer
 * Gummy worms
 * BLT Sandwiches
 * Sauswiches

[Note: The Picture to the right has been photoshopped. Stephen Colbert's Penis was shrunken down to a more managable size, as to not offend the Baby Jesus]

Personal

 * Stephen's favorite hockey team is the Saginaw Spirit. This may or may not have something to do with a mascot being named for him, although he in no way endorses this french-canadian filled blood "sport" invented by Canadia.
 * Stephen Colbert has an unnatural attraction to pizza delivery boys.
 * Stephen has a 5th degree black belt in Judo and Kung-Fu.
 * The One True God outsourced the creation of Stephen's right ear to a lesser, America-hating Hindu god.
 * Colbert says he never wears the same tie twice. He appears to have lied on August 15th and 16th, when he had the same gold and black dotted tie. However, sources say that it was a new tie of the same pattern.
 * On that same program he also mentioned attending GenCon and spending time with Gary Gygax.
 * It has been proven that if you dislike Stephen Colbert you are a freedom-hating terroist lover.
 * Colbert is deaf in his right ear, as he has no ear drum in it. "I always wanted to be a marine biologist...but then I had this ear problem.  I have no ear drum. (Flicks his ear.)  So I had this operation at the Medical University when I was a kid.  Now I can't get my head wet. I mean, I can, but I can't really scuba dive or anything like that.  So that killed my marine biology hopes. He once joked to The New Yorker that "I had this weird tumor as a kid, and they scooped it out with a melon baller."
 * Stephen cannot be harmed by fire.
 * On March 16, 2006, Colbert featured a review from Orlando Sentinel columnist Commander Coconut in his "Who's Attacking Me Now?" segment. The review stated that Coconut was unable to pay attention to anything but Colbert's ears, as his right one sticks out slightly.  In a call to Coconut regarding the review, Colbert stated that the doctor also noticed it stuck out slightly when he pulled the tumor out.  Colbert continued his diatribe for several minutes to the apparent mortification of Coconut, though Coconut later revealed they had rehearsed the call several times.  After the replay of the phone conversation, however, Colbert stated that he had not in fact had a tumor in his ear.
 * Stephen Colbert recently exposed the peach based lies of the state of Georgia.
 * The San Francisco Zoo recently named a baby Bald Eagle after Colbert. He features clips of the bird occasionally on his show.
 * Colbert was named Playgirl magazine's Man of the Year for 2006.
 * Stephen cannot smell flowers.
 * Colbert cannot see color or gender. He only sees Americans. However, he believes that he is white since he belongs to an all-white country club
 * Stephen Colbert is the father of my love child. He is my baby's poppa. He spreads his seed in gas stations across the midwest in hopes of creating a hybrid Colbertian race of super-intelligent mock neo-con journalists.
 * Stephen Colbert has the largest penis ever - See Also: Stephen Colbert's Penis
 * Stephen Colbert can drink a gallon of milk in one hour without throwing up.
 * Stephen hates French people, but if he did have a French friend, it would be Serge LeBlanc. Serge is not France French, nor Quebec French, but Acadian French, which is less surrendery, but more deporty than average French.
 * French "food" gives him gas.

Professional life

 * Colbert was named as one of Time magazine's 100 Most Influential People for 2006. Furthermore, among those 100 people, Time's online poll of readers' picks currently rates Colbert as the 2nd highest rated.
 * Within 24 hours on the weekend of April 29-30, 2006, Colbert was the keynote speaker at the White House Correspondents' Association Dinner; co-hosted Saturday Night Live as the voice of animated character Ace, with Steve Carell's Gary; and was profiled on 100 hours.
 * Wrote an article in Wired on how to be an expert like him: the August 2006 article
 * Colbert was the commencement speaker for the class of 2006 at Dumb as Rocks College. Colbert also received an honorary Doctor of Fine Arts Degree from the college on June 3, 2006. On the June 8, 2006 show his credit changed to Dr. Stephen T. Colbert D.F.A.
 * Colbert is one of the main and the funniest characters on Harvey Birdman
 * In his gravitas newsanchor voice, Colbert performed the opening narration of the play/film Big and the Angry Inch and on a track for the Poop in a Box (2003) CD, a compilation of music from and inspired by the play/film. His narration segues into Spoon performing "Fear Me Now."
 * Stephen is the Archduke of Scarborough Country