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Wikiality.com is slowly trying to get back in the groove of writing truthy news. Please excuse the quality and quantity during this period.

Enjoy Write A Caption and our Daily Poll in the interim.

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Breaking News Archive

Democrats Consider Stephen Colbert as Compromise Presidential Nominee
Party Insiders begin floating the idea of a "Colbert Compromise" for brokered convention

WASHINGTON, D.C., April 1, 2008-- Having come to the conclusion that they made a terrible mistake last November with the premature ouster of Stephen Colbert from the South Carolina Democratic party primary, some party insiders have begun floating the idea of Colbert as a potential "compromise candidate" should the race between Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton result in a brokered convention in August. According to one Democratic analyst, "Stephen Colbert is an incredibly popular figure," who could help unite an increasingly divided Democratic party. The analyst goes on to note, "If we hadn’t [kept] him off the ballot in South Carolina, he’d probably be winning this thing by now.”

You can rest assured that the news staff at Wikiality.com will be watching this story closely, and will keep you updated with Stephen's "dark horse campaign" support as it comes to light. We have never given up the fight for Dr. Colbert's Glorious Presidency (Best EVER!), and we're glad to see that the idiotic, America-hating Democrats are finally beginning to rouse from their Communist stupor to get this one right.

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Stephen Colbert To Release Music Video!
''America's Greatest Newsman Ever! has announced he will be recording his own version of the internets phenomenon-song, "Never Gonna Give You Up"!''

NEW YORK CITY, April 1, 2008-- The Greatest Living American, Stephen Colbert has promised his fans that he will be releasing his own version of the Rick Astley hit song, "Never Gonna Give You Up" in time for his own birthday.

"'I can think of no better song to sing,' the mega-balled wonder told Wikiality.com just this morning, 'and no better person to sing it to!'"

Billboard has already placed the song at Number 1, and Americans are encouraged to keep it there, or the terrorists win.

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Al Qaeda's Chief, Saddam Hussein, Paid For Lawmakers' Trip!
Documents unveiled today show that the leader of Al Qaeda and mastermind behind the September 11 attacks sponsored a secret trip to Iraq for liberal lawmakers!

THE GREEN ZONE, IRAQ, April 1, 2008-- Nefarious liberals have once again been ensnared in the totally, Constitutional, legal and not-privacy-intruding, all-American law, The Patriot Act!

Just as it had captured the marriage-hating terrorist, Eliot Spitzer, America's Greatest Justice Department Ever has used a little-known legal interpretation of The Greatest Law Ever to uncover what liberals are doing with their money!

"'If we had not been watching every bank transaction these liberals try to hide from innocent middle Americans, this shameful crime would have gone without the ever-watchful eye of America's media seeing every filthy, filthy thing they were doing,' Homeland Security boss, Michael Chertoff told reporters, 'and no one would have known how close liberals are to Saddam Hussein and Al Qaeda.'"

The names of the members of the liberal contingent who visited Iraq before America liberated them was not released this far ahead of the elections, but according to these secret documents, Wikiality.com discovered what Saddam Hussein paid for;
 * round trip air fare, for the congressperson, and a guest
 * 7 days, 6 nights deluxe hotel accommodations
 * liberator flowers and candy
 * an airport photo-op complete with:
 * armless Iraqi children
 * sniper fire

American lawmakers are insisting that Guantanamo Bay, Cuba be kept open until a full investigation can be conducted to determine how many sensitive National Secrets were given to America's enemies in exchange for the trip.

Wikiality.com will stay on top of this story and let our readers know if anything new transpires.

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Muslim Candidate Leaks Info To Distract From Preacher-Gatel!
Barack Hussein Obama, the democrat's best hope to end America's reign as a Christian nation, leaked sensitive information in the hopes of diverting attention away from his scandalous relationship with a racist member of his close family!

OBAMA HEADQUARTERS, MECCA, DEEPEST, DARKEST AFRICA, March 20, 2008-- Washington is shaken at the latest news of a security breach at America's State Department.

"'This is an outrage,' The Greatest Secretary Of State Ever told reporters assembled for her hourly press conference on the state of America's security, 'everyone knows that I am very dedicated to my job, since I don't have a husband. But, that was my choice. I choose to not be married so I can spend more time working for America, which I love because I am not mooslim and neither is my grandmother."

Miss Rice further stated that the security level has been raised and the State Department has been on lock down all morning until those responsible are held accountable for their crimes.

AMERICA IS STILL SAFE

The Greatest President Ever will address the nation about this security breach and the recently released Bin Laden Video. Officials tell Wikiality.com that the president will talk about how security leaks hurt our country, the border needs to be closed and the computer monitoring system worked as designed, catching the people responsible, giving America the best reason to pass the Protect America Act.

ACCESS, NOT ALTER

In addition, officials with the State Department wants to stress that the records were only accessed. None of the contractors who were probably just pulling some fraternity prank had the capacity to alter whatever information is contained in them.

America is fine. We have always been fine.

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Undead Appear In Washington Demanding An Audience With The Greatest President Ever
Legions of the undead, wearing signs of the names they had when they walked the Earth like normal people suddenly appeared in America's capitol seeking to thank The Greatest President Ever for the troop surge!



WASHINGTON, D.C., AMERICA, March 19, 5th Anniversary Day!!!-- They appeared suddenly out of the mist, their ashen faces and hollow eye sockets barely contained the happiness they could at long last feel now that they had been liberated.

"'We wanted to greet our liberators with flowers and candy,' a spokesman for the Zombie group told reporters outside the White House, 'but we were killed in the first week of the War On Terror. So we could only walk from our graves in Iraq to America, and since we're zombies, it took us a very long time.'"

THANK YOU, AMERICA

The zombies made this walk, they say, to thank The Greatest President Ever for sending American troops to liberate them from Saddam Hussein and his weapons of mass destruction.

When they were alive, they waited with anticipation when news of America's democracy-bringing was truly going to happen.

Unfortunately, some of them died before they could enjoy the democracy that was brought.

ZOMBIE AMERICAN TROOPS

Some of the zombies were actually American troops who had died since giving the people of Iraq the gift of freedom. Iraq zombies and American zombies became quick friends on their 5-year long walk to thank The Greatest President Ever for capturing Osama Bin Laden and his Al Qaeda operatives.

"We're not bitter, because we can see how grateful the people of Iraq are for everything this president has done for them personally," Zombie Pat Tillman told Wikiality.com, "and I can't wait to tell him that myself!"

MEETING THE GREATEST PRESIDENT EVER

No meeting was planned due to scheduling conflicts, but word was delivered via special messenger to The Greatest President Ever that a group of undead well-wishers wanted to give him their regards. A plaque, certificate and spare Medal of Freedom that had been sitting around were presented to the group in a hastily organized presentation on the White House lawn so that the zombies could be on their way before they became hungry for brains.

"We can't have them eating The Greatest President Ever's brain, Harriett Miers said, "now can we?"

Commemorative photos of the event will be mailed to the zombie's addresses in Iraq, or U.S. military personnel's family, if they aren't themselves bringing more freedom to Iraq or Iran.

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O'Bama The Leprechaun
On Saint Patrick Day, "Obama" revealed his true name as "O'Bama" with his new presidential campaign button.

As Soledad O'Brien report the news of O'Bama apparent Irish connection, O'Bama's campaign staff offered O'Brien to a drink. She joking refused as she was on duty.

After O'Bama got drunk from the celebration, he also revealed his true form! Apparently he is a leprechaun.

Papa Bear Bill O'Reilly ask the top question in every American's mind: Can we trust a leprechaun to answer a telephone at 3 am?

What other things are hiding their deep dirty secret. Could the Oranges be the O'Ranges? Next thing we know, we'll be yelling: O'Know, the O'Ranges are O'Rganizing for an O'Ffense.

Drug Content In Water Boosts Los Angeles' Rating
Researchers reveal the reason behind Los Angeles' number one ranking in Municipal Tap Water Olympics.

LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA-- Water officials reveal the makings of a drug scandal in America's annual tap water competition. Dozens of cities from around the country submitted samples of their tap water for testing and initially Los Angeles had come out on top. Later, it was revealed that trace amounts of pharmacological agents were discovered in several of the participants.

"'This is probably the biggest scandal in the Tap Water Olympics, ever,' an unnamed judge revealed to Wikiality.com under the condition of anonymity, 'usually participants are drug-free. This year has been a big disappointment.'"

In addition to the Los Angeles entry, trace amounts were found in 28 of the 35 competitors, revealing these compelling results:


 * everyone in Las Vegas has a urinary tract infection
 * no one in conservative bastion, San Diego does any drug whatsoever, but in "Southern California" there are a lot of people suffering from OCD
 * someone in Washington flushed their prescription for anti-psychotics down the toilet
 * and the worst disorder anyone in Texas is suffering from is unspecified.

Tap Water Olympics officials are not saying at this time whether any of the winners will have to return their medals, but Wikiality.com pharmaceutical officials are recommending everyone save as much tap water as possible before the correct changes are made to the EPA or Interior Department which may alter the current experience.

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Lingerie Maker To Improve Image


In an effort to soften change their image away from the pornographical, Victoria's Secret, the leader in everyday lingerie wear introduces a bathing suit proper enough to be worn in church.

HOLLYWOOD, CALIFORNIA, March 6, 2008-- After years of defining American sexiness, Victoria's Secret will be toning down their image.

"'We're not saying we're middle aged now, or anything like that,' Chief Executive Sharen J. Turney told Wikiality.com from the Victoria's Secret Secret Lair™, 'but we don't have to cultivate our reputation as floosies either.'"

Victoria's Secret polled several focus groups about what makes a woman sexy and what makes her look like Joe Wilson's Wife on a bender and discovered that covering up is a matter of perception. And the "Pixxxelicious" was born.

"The "Pixxxelicious" says 'sexy' and 'censorship' in one compact, affordable garment," Turney enthused.

The introduction of the "Pixxxelicious" (shown at right) is an innovation in swimwear, Turney added, "American women can continue to wear the fashions that have defined Victoria's Secret for 29 years, without feeling cheap and whorish."

"I wear one when I go to church," Laura Bush told reporters through a press release, "They're chic and comfortable, and I don't have to worry about being a bad influence on my children."

Victoria's Secret will be offering the Pixxxelicious at all their stores starting May, 2008.

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California Activist judges Ban Our Lord From Homeschools!
In yet another in the long-line of anti-Christian rulings that has become the hallmark of their hate-filled agenda, a California "court" once again prevents children from learning both sides of a debate.

SAN FRANCISCO, CAULIFLOWER, March 6, 2008-- The crowd gathered around the court house was boisterous and giddy until word that a ruling was forthcoming.

Looking like a solemn guitarmass, mothers and their multitude of snowflakes swayed and chanted Bible verses at puzzled passersby or threw Bibles at suspected homosexuals.

Silenced by the hush of anticipation, the lips of the reverent quivered, their hands clasped in prayer as news that another California court would deny everyone the Love of Jesus Christ.

"'Parents do not have a constitutional right to home school their children,' Justice H. Walter Croskey shouted down to the crowd from his balcony court room, 'they do have the right to be indoctrinated in all aspects of The Homosexual Agenda, from same-sex marriage to evolution!'"

As the crowd shouted back prayers for his salvation, Judge Croskey opened his ermine robe and "banged" his "gavel".

POTENTIAL FALLOUT California is home to great wealth and many, many children, churches around the state are horrified by the ruling. "Ermine robes itch, I can barely keep my own on, but that's not important right now..." an unnamed priest from a church of some sort told Wikiality.com news in a confessional interview, "children must have the right to whatever their parents believe in; it's the American Way."

A quick google search has unearthed many pictures of teachers and students in various stages of education, but little in the way of parent-student education (for that one must turn off the safe search). Nonetheless, this ruling may hamper the burgeoning homeschooling industry.

"This will only mean more people will be leaving California and my company will have to find other means of income," a prominent homeschool advocate told Wikiality.com under the condition of anonymity, "my company's CEO designed our company to be completely dependent on every subsequent generation's isolation from The Homosexual Agenda that public school pushes.

"Next thing you know, they'll be telling us not to practice medicine! We are the only ones who can help.  Everyone has to believe me."

With the exception of mosslim madrassas, every flavor of religion has banded together to fight this threat. Wikiality.com will follow this story closely.

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Banks To Rescue American Housing Market
In a stunning turn-around, American-owned banks have now stepped up to keep American homes in American hands!

AMERICA, U.S.A! U.S.A.!, March 6, 2008-- Quickly responding to the American People's call for assistance, American banks now own more homes than ever since 1945!

"'We should be thanking them for the sacrifices they have made, and are making in this crisis,' an unnamed White House spokesmodel shouted at the media via talk radio, 'and by crisis, I mean slow down. Make no mistake, the economy is doing great!'"

The Greatest Administration Ever has randomly scheduled an impromptu celebration on March 17 to mark the occasion. The menu calls for green beverages and cabbage, both of which are symbolic of money and the prosperous era America currently enjoys.

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Russian 'Bear' Wins Election


MOSCOW, RUSSIA, March 2, 2008--Dmitry Anatolyevich 'The Bear' Medvedev (Дми́трий Анато́льевич «Медведь» Медве́дев) wins the 2008 election in Russia. Medvedev, from "Medved", means "bear"! Furthermore, he likes honey in his tea!

Threat Down: Ve must keep 'The Bear' klear avay from the pikanik basket that is Amerika.

Medvedev is the loyal portagé puppet pet of Putin and is the candidate for the United Russia Party. He beat out the ultra-left Communist candidate and the ultra-right Nationalist candidate. The various democratic candidates were barred from participating in the democratic process due to missed deadline :(, insufficient residency in Russia XO, and filing errors :P . Putin was named as the new Prime Minister ;).

McCain was quick to point out the undemocratic aspect of their democratic process. McCain also planed to be much more confrontational with Medvedev than Bush would be toward Putin.

Russians call their type of democracy "sovereign democracy", but we all know that it is just "elected king". Once elected, the president is above the judiciary and is hence above the law.

Africa May Actually Exist!
The existence of Africa may have been confirmed with the news that "The George Bush Motorway" is being built there!

ACCRA, GHANA, February 25, 2008-- For years skeptics have poo-pooed the idea that a place called "Africa" existed even in the vast imagination that is "literature" or Hollywood.

But word has it that Africa may in factiness be real and that it may contain a sub-section (or country) called Ghana within which a road is being built called "The George Bush Motorway"!

This monument to The Greatest President Ever is being funded by the American taxpayer and is certainly proof that America is not planning on building military bases in "Africa", instead America is building roads in Africa (now that it exists)!

The roads are being built to help with the transport of food and medical aid to people who have proven their need for such items. There is also a clause in the aid program which specifically states that at no time are the roads to be used for military operations.

The George Bush Motorway will be a six-lane superhighway that will stretch from the capitol of Ghana, Accra to another place to be determined. It is dedicated to The Greatest President Ever for his "many kind gestures".

Liberals should be so grateful! When asked why liberals are so hateful and work so hard to deny the great works (no matter how small) of every Great American™, Angelina Jolie started mouthing off about her next movie role and how aid of any kind prevents people from bettering themselves. Even if it is for Africa.

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Homosexuals Bash John McCain


In a blatant attack on the award-winning soldier and Senator from Arizona, Hollywood Homos use their time on America's airwaves to attack Our Troops.

HOLLYWOOD, CAULIFLOWER, February 24, 2008-- In their annual assault on American Values™, Hollywood's Academy of NAMBLA Pictures has awarded the following "alternative" lifestyles for special recognition:
 * 1) French womanhood
 * 2) Mexicanness
 * 3) unmarried pregnant teenhood
 * 4) a warbling team of a drunken Irishman and a pollock

But, the greatest offense was directed against the presumptive nominee for President, Senator, war hero and a still very, very virile John McCain.

With the announcement that the movie "No Country For Old Men" was the "best picture" of the year, Hollywood used their annual television awards show to hypnotize Americans into believing America would not elect an old man.

"'Americans will not stand idly by as a great American hero, such as John McCain is mocked by a bunch of cut and running, fancy pansters,' an unnamed new staffer for the McCain campaign whispered ever so delicately to Wikiality.com, 'By insinuating that a fictional movie with such a hateful name represents American Values™ is the lowest form of misrepresentation, ever. I feel like starting a lynching party.'"

Members of the RNC have demanded investigations by the FCC (into misuse of America's airwaves), the SEC (for donating the cost of the entire ceremony to electing that mooslim guy) and with the FBI for a possible hate crime against the elderly.

"America as a country that doesn't support old men? Nothing is further from the truth. America is and always has been a country that looks to her old men for guidance and protection," a freshly pressed Fred Thompson said before going back to his nap.

When asked to defend of his liberal commrades, Michael Moore tried to eat this reporter's microphone.

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Nader Announce Run
February 24, 2008--Nader announced his 2008 election campaign for the Presidency of the United States of America on February 24th as a third party candidate. Having been the Consumerism, Laborism, and Environmentalism advocate, his announcement brought cheers from the people against predatory lending, job outsourcing, and pollution who have been sleeping for the last 7 years.

However, almost immediately, various America-hating liberal groups speculate on the potential for spoilage and complained about the perceived 2000 spoiler candidate.

Clap, Clap, Point Point Woman and The Mooslim Candidate quickly "dismissed" him while defending his rights in a democracy.

Since Nader is left of the Democrats, his campaign would likely to affect the Democrat more if Obama was the nominee and less if Clinton was the nominee. This is because Obama has the left-wing of the Democrat Party after Edwards dropped from the race of the nomination.

How will this affect the decision of the superdelegates is yet unknown, but his announcement should have no effect on the primaries.

At the very least, McCain will no longer be the oldest guy in the race.

For more information, please visit Ralph Nader

Related News
Ralph Nader hires former Paultards to wikilobby "favorable" notices about him and his tired candidacy believing anyone on the Internets would be impressed that one more web tube has Nader's name on it.

America Invaded by Serbian Nationalist
AMERICAN EMBASSY, February 21st, 2008--After America supported the unilateral independence of Kosovo, the American embassy was attacked by Serbian Ultra-Nationalist numbered in the thousands. An unidentified person working in the embassy was killed in the attack after they smashed their way into the building armed with stones, steel bars, and bottles.

American embassy is American soil. Attacking American soil is an act of war. Killing a person on American soil with exploding alcohol bottle is act of terrorism. President Bush is expected to declare war on Serbian Ultra-Nationalist as part of his War On Terror. Americans can expect American Troops to deploy in hunting those Serbian Terrorist by April.

America, England, and Germany supported the unilateral declaration of independence by Kosovo. Countries with their own separatism problems, such as Canada, China, Russia, Spain, etc. has not supported Kosovo.

NATO was split on the issue. No clear specific commands can be given to the NATO troops stationed there.

God Takes Away Moon In Reaction To McCain-Sex Story Published By New York Times


The Heavenly Father speaks through his Chosen Candidate, Mike Huckabee, warning America not to believe the lies from the liberal media

THE GOOD PART OF LITTLE ROCK, ARKANSAS, February 20, 2008-- Within hours after publishing a story attacking an All-American candidate for Leader of the Free World™, The Creator of The Universe removed America's Moon from the sky, Mike Huckabee revealed to His Favored Children during a hastily assembled press conference.

"'The Lord has spoke unto me,' Mike Huckabee said, swaying hypnotically from behind a podium, 'to reveal His disappointment in our misuse of His Gifts. Mankind has suffered the burden of Eve's sin of reading from The Tree Of Journalism, and the New York Times continued this affront today with this story about Senator McCain.'"

Hundreds of unnamed White House staff members, campaign managers for other candidates and pundits reported to Wikiality.com that they all agreed that The Times' story was the reason behind the loss of the Moon and urged Congress to pass The Greatest President Ever's Protect America Act of 2007 in order to please God and bring the moon back.

When asked to comment on her sins, Nancy Pelosi insisted that she still won't pass the law, claiming that God did not make the moon disappear, and that it will come back in a few hours because it was only an eclipse.

No word yet if Bill O'Reilly will comment on Speaker Pelosi's blasphemy.

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California Student Abuses Sacred Journalistic Trust!


The editor of a local high school newspaper has America in an uproar after dedicating entire issue to the filthiest, filthiest place on Earth!

RESEDA, CALIFORNIA, February 17, 2008-- It came without warning. Nothing about the coming day could have prepared decent Americans everywhere outside California of the impending doom.

As the morning sun penetrated through the smog, California would whelp yet another new menace on America's innocence. Providing exactly the type of aid and comfort to the terrorists that can easily be prevented by the election of Mike Huckabee, or, failing that, John McCain.


 * "It was like a travelogue through hell," cried an unnamed parent, "it had more details than a Penthouse Forum letter!"

School administrators, city, county and state representatives and local law enforcement officials called an emergency meeting to deal with the threat.

The Greatest President Ever was even considering calling Department of Homeland Security, Michael Chertoff, to raise the terror level to one level above the one it's at now.


 * "No student who is not married should be allowed to view that paper" concerned citizens shouted into their phones at the radio, "someone must think of the children, Will someone think of the children?!"

Help Is On The Way

As America wanders aimlessly, stunned by this latest assault, a powerful voice offers a beacon of light through this dark time, former Colorado pastor, Ted Haggard will serve penance by taking this challenge head on, so to speak.

Mr. Haggard has asked that all Americans follow Normal Biblical Procedures, not because he hates the hoohaa, but because no American should ever have that filthy, filthy word on their lips, so to speak.

Mr. Haggard stated that the time he spent recovering from his recent infirmities has embolden him for this new period in his life, a time when America has a gaping hole where her morality should be.


 * "I ask that Americans approve government-sponsored school prayer, denounce evolution in science class and abstain from images, music, TV shows, movies or thoughts even remotely related to those kinds of activities in any form," Mr. Haggard pleaded, "our very Christian values depend on absolute strict adherence to the one true literal interpretation of the Bible."

Mr. Haggard also added that no one threatened him or forced him to make any statements against the hoohaa, and making such statements do not make him gay, but a good Christian, who wants only what is best for America.

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Super Bowl Ends In Multiple Lawsuits Between Patriots, Disney Corporation And Giants
Following the New York Giant's 17-14 upset win over the New England Patriots, Wikiality.com has learned lawsuits have been filed against both teams and against the Disney Corporation in federal court

THE HAPPIEST PLACE ON EARTH, AMERICA, February 4, 2008-- Watching members of the winning team shouting, "I'm going to Disneyland!™" after winning the Super Bowl has become as much a part of the game's tradition as wardrobe malfunctions and sexual innuendo have. But the 2008 game between the 18-1 New England Patriots and the winning New York Giants has started a new tradition, the post-game lawsuits.

Wikiality.com has learned that the Disney Corporation had arranged the shout out with New England quarterback, Tom Brady as far back as Week 10.

According to Patriot's team lawyers, after watching the Patriots lose, Disney representatives then tried to get Giant's quarterback, Eli Manning to recite the shout out, clearly violating the contract between the Patriots and Disney.

To prevent this breach of contract, Patriot's coach, Bill Belichick diverted attention away from the game with his unsportsmanlike desertion of his team with two seconds remaining to play in regulation.

As FOX television announcers tried to make sense of the goings-on and promote the upcoming episode of House, everyone forgot that the shout out had not occurred.

Within moments, Patriot's team lawyers sued Disney for a breach of contract, then Disney sued the Giants for winning the game.

When asked his opinion on the situation, Rudy Giuliani refused to comment.

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