Alchemy

Alchemy is the greatest science on the face of this Earth. It is the only one passable before the eyes of God and his Most High Awesomeness, Stephen Colbert.



Nation, Alchemy is a fantastic thing. It can do everything from turning metal to gold to giving eternal life. And we all know we want our beloved Stephen around forever!

History
Alchemy has been around for about six thousand years, ever since God created Stephen. Oh! And the rest of the universe. Anywho, Alchemy has given us all the finest things in life: flight, money, and war. Oh yes, looooots of war.

Use in Today's World
Nation, we've barely scratched the tip of Stephen Jr's beak when it comes to alchemy. There's so much we haven't learned. Like the immortality thing, for example. The colsest we've gotten to that is curing AIDS, and we all know there's no use for that.