Character

Truthiness. Contempt. Reactionary-ness. Fairness. Fraternity. Blind Patriotism. The Six Doric Columns of Congressional Character are ethical values that, used wisely, can cloak our choices. The “suggestions” for conduct that arise out of these sentiments constitute the unattainable ideals formerly known as “ethics,” and therefore create the illusion of ethical decision-making.

There is something catchy about the number six. We might reasonably have eight or 10, 14, 17, or perhaps 21, but then public officials might have yet another reason to take off their pants; there is just too much serious work to be done. But most of those storybook virtues nestle neatly into these six, and it is known that all American presidents have been able to count at least this high. The Six Doric Columns of Congressional Character can provide a common playbook. Why is a common playbook necessary? Because the word “lexicon” is for uppity liberals. And also that people can see what unites us, and for communicating and decisions and stuff. But mostly because the chicks love the jock-talk.

The Six Columns act as a multi-level filter through which to process the fetid sludge of decision-making. So, being truthy is not enough — we must also wear really long rubber gloves, those waders you don't wear to fly-fish in since the "accident," and one of those cool breathers that makes you look like an Imperial Stormtrooper. Adhering to the letter of the law is not enough — we must assign blame for our inaction and reactions.

The Columns can help us detect situations where we focus so hard on overturning one moral principle that we fail to realize people think that there are others to consider — where, intent on blaming the liberal media, we ignore our duty to browbeat our waning voter base; where, struggling to send that important text message, we almost forget to vote on that bill that guy was talking about.

In short, the Six Columns can dramatically improve the ethical appearance of our decisions, and thus our images and lobbyist attraction rating.

1. TRUTHINESS

When the voters trust us, they give us a whole lot of space to operate in, because they don’t feel we need to be supervised to believe that we’ll actually do our jobs. They actually believe in us and hang on every word that issues forth from our mouths. That’s so friggin' hilarious. I love it when they do that. At the same time, we must constantly make it appear as though we are living up to the expectations of our voters and refrain from even the less attractive, more introverted pages and illegal campaign contributions that can so quickly destroy our hopes of re-election.

Simply appearing to refrain from deception is not enough. Truthiness is the most complicated of the six core ethical suggestions and concerns the appearance of qualities like integrity, honesty, loyalty and reliability; therefore, we don’t recommend you knock yourself out on this one, you’ve still got five more chances. It’s important to know how to pace yourself.

2. CONTEMPT

Unfortunately, people are not things, but that’s no reason why they should not be treated as valuable, productive assets. We certainly have no ethical duty to hold most people in high esteem, but we should pretend to talk like we treat everyone with respect, regardless of how coo-coo their religious beliefs might be—they‘re usually good for a lot of votes in exchange for a few XXL-sized tee shirts. We have a responsibility to be "exceptional" in all situations, even when dealing with our own chemically-imbalanced constituency.

The Golden Rule — do unto others before they do unto you — nicely illustrates the Column of Contempt. Contempt engenders an air of dignity, pride, empowerment and mastery. It deflates antiquated notions such as civil disobedience, bourgeois equanimity, uppityness, government handouts, a “living wage,” and a blind adherence to constitutional rights.

3. REACTIONARY-NESS

4. FAIRNESS

5. FRATERNITY

6. BLIND PATRIOTISM