St. Paul

St. Paul
Paul was made by God to prove Ann Coulter’s Perfected Jew theory. At first a learned Jew from Tarsus, then a murderer of Christians, he finally used his gut and did the right thing: he became a Christian. It’s a fact that God forgave Paul for the murders but there is no historical evidence that God ever forgave Paul for being a Jew. God can forgive murder but he can’t forgive the mutant which is produced when two Jews breed.

Paul never married because he was really gay. He traveled around all the old Greek cities “teaching” about Jesus and anyone who knows what the Greeks meant by “teaching” knows that Paul must have been a really popular sodomite. Eusebius, a church historian who was truthy, says that Paul was hung “like the arm of a catapult.” But thankfully, there was someone kicking ass back then, namely the Romans. They put Paul in jail because he kept trying to corn-hole Roman soldiers.

Paul was a spiritual writer (that is, gay by choice) and he wrote a lot when he was in jail (that is, gay by force). In Ephesians, he writes about how its time to put on the breastplate and the helmet, or the armor of God. He knew that sooner or later Jesus and the Sons of thunder were going to start kicking ass and he wanted everyone to be prepared. But Paul is probably best known for collaborating with Mel Gibson on the screenplay of The Passion of the Christ. If you remember the scene where the bickering, boner-for-coin Jews decide Jesus should be killed, you know the part Paul wrote. It was probably autobiographical. Paul could never forgive himself for being Jewish.

If there was one thing Paul knew more than how lousy Jews were or what it was like to be gay, it was circumcisions. Its no surprise, for Joseph Smith claims that “the only man who saw more penises than Robert Cornhole was Paul.” Sadly however, Paul is ambivalent on circumcisions. It’s no surprise, for he was both a giver and a taker in homosexual practice and so he says in some writings that one should be circumcised and in others that one shouldn’t. It’s probably just a matter of homosexual preference, but theorists of Pauline theology at The Robert Cornhole Bible College of Killbuck, Ohio have decreed that Christians should circumcise half of the tip of their penises and at that the half closest to the balls so that the balls can have a little more room to grow. The result of this kind of circumcision is that when Christian men have erections and then their partners lay them down on their backs, their penises look like enormous fingers with a big nail for cocaine. Incidentally, this is probably the real reason Paul was such a sought after teacher. And so he probably traveled so much because he was trafficking in cocaine.