Mormon

[[Image:Mormon-Jesus-visits-Indians.jpg|thumb|250px|right|The Book of Mormon says that Jesus visited North America after His Resurrection. He told the Indians that they couldn't join the Mormon church because they're brown, but it was still OK for guys to have a bunch of wives.

As shown in this picture, that made the men happy. The women? Not so much.]]

Mormon: A member of, or having to do with the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (LDS Church), headquartered in Salt Lake City (SLC), Utah.

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, a Democrat, is a Mormon. So is former Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney, a Republican. Go figure.

Most of the people in Utah and Idaho are Mormons, along with a lot of folks in Nevada. They own the state of Utah, which is supposedly not a theocracy.

They're kind of like the Amish except that they approve of big cities (their own, at least) and like factories, and big-box retailers, and cars. They really like cars. Some of their cities are full of nothing but massive car lots that they call "Bountiful."

Officially, at least, they now say that they believe in one-man/one-woman marriage, but some of them take exception to the "one-woman" part of all that.

LDS History
The LDS Church (which is what missionaries call it when they're trying to get into your house) was started by someone named Joseph Smith who was definitely not related to Will Smith.

He's kind of like Mohammed because he said that a whole new Bible-like book was revealed to him. Unlike Mohammed, Smith didn't get to talk directly to God. Instead, he found some golden tablets in New York that were written by someone named Mormon, who's supposedly a saint or angel or something like that. Mormon was served by a bunch of nincompoops who earned the nickname Moroni.

Smith translated his tablets into the Book of Mormon, which is like a Newer Testament for Mormons. It talks about how Jesus and a bunch of Jews came to North America way before Christopher Columbus.

Succession rift
Even though they were Red Staters, the people in the Midwest weren't any happier about Smith and his followers than New Yorkers had been. They didn't exactly buy into the Church of Jesus Christ part of the name that Smith had given to his outfit.

Smith was assassinated by angry Midwesterners. This caused a big argument among the Moroni (as Smith's followers were called at the time) about who should succeed him. They split up into two groups: This disagreement caused a deep rift and cultural divide that survives to this day, sometimes causing significant friction between the two groups.
 * Shiites: Believed that Smith's sons and grandsons should succeed him as prophet.
 * Sunnis: Believed a non-relative named Brigham Young should take over.

The Shiite Moroni stayed put in places like Independence, MO. Brigham Young, prophet of the Sunni Moroni, convinced his flock to trek with him to the Pacific Ocean. He promised them high times on the beaches with cool ocean breezes with "all the chicks you could dream for."

The Articles of Faith of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints

1 We believe in God, the Eternal Father, and in His Son, Jesus Christ, and in the Holy Ghost.

2 We believe that men will be punished for their own sins, and not for Adam's transgression.

3 We believe that through the Atonement of Christ, all mankind may be saved, by obedience to the laws and ordinances of the Gospel.

4 We believe that the first principles and ordinances of the Gospel are: first, Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ; second, Repentance; third, Baptism by immersion for the remission of sins; fourth, Laying on of hands for the gift of the Holy Ghost.

5 We believe that a man must be called of God, by prophecy, and by the laying on of hands by those who are in authority, to preach the Gospel and administer in the ordinances thereof.

6 We believe in the same organization that existed in the Primitive Church, namely, apostles, prophets, pastors, teachers, evangelists, and so forth.

7 We believe in the gift of tongues, prophecy, revelation, visions, healing, interpretation of tongues, and so forth.

8 We believe the Bible to be the word of God as far as it is translated correctly; we also believe the Book of Mormon to be the word of God.

9 We believe all that God has revealed, all that He does now reveal, and we believe that He will yet reveal many great and important things pertaining to the Kingdom of God.

10 We believe in the literal gathering of Israel and in the restoration of the Ten Tribes; that Zion (the New Jerusalem) will be built upon the American continent; that Christ will reign personally upon the earth; and, that the earth will be renewed and receive its paradisiacal glory.

11 We claim the privilege of worshiping Almighty God according to the dictates of our own conscience, and allow all men the same privilege, let them worship how, where, or what they may.

12 We believe in being subject to kings, presidents, rulers, and magistrates, in obeying, honoring, and sustaining the law.

13 We believe in being honest, true, chaste, benevolent, virtuous, and in doing good to all men; indeed, we may say that we follow the admonition of Paul—We believe all things, we hope all things, we have endured many things, and hope to be able to endure all things. If there is anything virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy, we seek after these things. Joseph Smith

Multiple Gods
Joseph Smith was told by God that the Christian belief about a single-God "Trinity" was absurd. Instead of accepting tortured "Trinitarian" ontology of ancient godless Greeks, Smith told the Mormons that there are three different Gods. Jesus (who is also the Old Testament Jehovah), The Heavenly Father, and the Holy Ghost.

Other humans can and have become Gods, but they're mostly off in other worlds where they don't have much effect on earthly humans. The Spirit Gods are mostly busy with multiple-wife begetting of spirit children in the heavenly orbs.

There's a lot of begetting and begatting among the Mormon Gods. This must remain a mystery to anyone who hasn't yet invited a couple of young Mormon missionaries into the home.

Talking Salamanders
Mormons think that a salamander told Joseph Smith where to find the golden tablets. That makes salamanders very holy. Mormons think that the original band of Mormons (the Moroni) speak through salamanders. That makes them stupid, yet entertaining -- like Larry the Cable Guy.

Holy Seagulls
As with all truthyisms, the more you say or do something the truer it becomes. And so it is with seagulls and their proxy, seagull statues.

It is believed that the seagull statue fetish dates back to the days when the original Mormons went looking for the Pacific Ocean: it was not where they had believed it to be. Confusion arose when one Mormon wondered what happened to the infallible tour guide; they had followed a "prophet" of Jesus. The prophet said Jesus had said the ocean was there and He could not be wrong.

The Mormons decided then that they were at the ocean making seagull statues perfectly acceptable.

To further cognitively affirm what appears to outsiders as dissonance, Mormons immediately declared seagulls to be holy, probably more holy than, and most certainly more truthier than salamanders. There are seagull pictures and statues everywhere in Salt Lake City. On banks, at their churches, in parks every possible place that could hold a statue in order to confirm their beliefs.

Fortunately for the residents of Salt Lake City, there are not that many of the actual clattering sky-rat birds at the lake. Creating more reason to erect more and more statues lest anyone believe they were not at the ocean.

Orgy-Marriages
Both of the two biggest prophets of the Mormons, Joseph Smith and Brigham Young, liked the ladies. A lot.

They both had harems of wives (another similarity with Mohammed) and urged their male followers to do the same. They called this practice "plural marriage" and said it was very, very holy.

When the Mormons in Salt Lake City decided it would be a good thing to become a state, they ran into a problem with that marriage thing. Congress wasn't about to let them in until they recognized the sanctity of one-man/one-woman marriage, just like good American Protestants.



This was a problem because God had personally revealed to both Joseph Smith and Brigham Young that He liked plural marriage. It became a fundamental tenant of the Mormon faith.

Another issue: the main reason they wanted to become a state is so that plural wives could collect welfare to help support their huge families and lazy husbands.

What to do? Well, it turns out that God continues to speak to whoever is elected as leader of the Mormon Church. They call their version of a pope the "President".

The President at the time prayed to God, asking him if plural marriage was still necessary. "Not so much," God replied. And because of that conversation the LDS President declared that the Mormon Church was now strongly in favor of one-man/one-woman marriage, just like those "Gentiles" (which is what Mormons call everybody else) in Washington.

Unfortunately, the Moroni Salamanders were talking to many husbands in Utah who had come to enjoy their harems. The salamanders told them that plural marriage is still holy no matter what the LDS President says.

This caused another schism in the Church, but Utah was admitted to the union anyway. Most of the salamander-harem-husbands decided that it was OK to have one marriage officially (a civil union) while the sanctity of plural marriage was maintained through religious ceremonies.

Non-white people are not holy
Smith & Young were told by God that only white people would make it into heaven. It was a fundamental tenant of the Mormon faith. The coloreds could join the Church and give it ten-percent of their income, but they couldn't be made muckety-mucks in the Church.

This became a bit of a public-relations problem for the Church in the 1970s when a wave of political correctness briefly swept over the land. (That was before Rush Limbaugh and RNC ads set things straight.)



Fortunately for the image of the Church, God was concerned with this PR-issue and so he told the LDS President that it would be OK for some coloreds to get into heaven and even, maybe, become Mormon bishops if absolutely necessary.

They see dead people
When salamanders aren't talking to Mormons, dead people are. The dead people beg Mormons to let them get Mormon-baptised so that they can get into heaven and leave the crowded Limbo slum where they were sent because they weren't Mormons when they died.

Mormon baptisms are so popular among dead people that millions of them have contacted the Mormons. Because they're an efficient lot, the Mormons record all the information they get from dead people into the world's most massive genealogical database.

Baptism of Colbert
Even though he's not yet dead, Mormons have made an exception to their Baptism of the Dead rule and have baptised Stephen Colbert. Dr. Colbert, a Catholic, has not yet revealed what he thinks of this.

Mormons argue that their faithiness, compared with that of Vatican followers, is much more in tune with the United States Republican Party (except for that marriage thing) and therefore closer to Dr. Colbert's true spirit. They also point out Joseph Smith's extraordinary truthiness credentials.

We await The Word on this issue.

Coffee worship
They apparently worship coffee because they call their religion the Church of Jesus Christ of Latte Day Saints. They don't let so-called "Gentiles" into their big, gaudy "temples" so it isn't known exactly ...

Update: Hate coffee
It turns out that the name of their church is actually Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. Not "Latte". They don't worship coffee. In fact, they're not allowed to drink caffeine in any form.

Holy Underwear


Mormons were the first to develop the material now known as Kevlar. US Soldiers often use it (when budget allows) in vests to stop many bullets. It was developed by the Mormons to protect their missionaries who go into dangerous places like Nigeria, Canada, China, and Iraq.

But Mormons don't just wear it as a vest. For them, it's full body armor that's designed especially to protect the nether regions. It's Holy Underwear for Mormons that's given to each of them in a ceremony at puberty.

Not only will it protect them from arrows and bullets when they become missionaries (as all of them are required to do), but it also serves as an ingenious chastity belt. Only a "bishop" at a Mormon stake (which is what they call a local church) can unlock the chastity features of the underwear.

Famous Mormons

 * The Osmonds
 * Mitt Romney
 * Napoleon Dynamite
 * J. W. Marriott and family (It's their hotel chain.)
 * Joe Albertson (It's his supermarket.)
 * ex-NFL QB Steve Young (A descendant of Brigham and one of his many wives.)