Dick Cheney



Deadeye "Hero" "Dick" "Shotgun Blues" "Puppet Master" "Shooter" "Conspirator" "the Finger" "4th Branch of the U.S. Government" Cheney is the Vice President of the United States, right-hand hatchet man to George W. Bush and thus two steps from Jesus Christ. Also otherwise known as the "Lord and Master".

He is a man of few words, but those words are chock-full of truthiness. He knew in his gut there were weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. In fact, he still does. That's the kind of truthiness]the man lugs around in that gut, which partially explains the size of the thing.

Mr. Cheney was also a U.S. Congressman from Wyoming and a secretary of some kind for Nixon and did something for Gerald Ford.

Fame
This enigmatic character had first come into mainstream fame on February 11, 2006 when he shot his friend in the face while hunting. Presumeably, Cheney knew in his gut that his friend was in fact a quail. Furthermore, his friend made the mortal mistake of questioning Cheney about a specific facet of the Iraq war. Tim Russert has also made this affront to Cheney and barely escaped with his life.

A little known fact about Dick Cheney is that he is a Dark Lord of the Sith, with the power to submit people into passing legislation with his mighty force lightning. His hobbies include playing with his favorite gameboy game, Pokemon, quail hunting, and rightfully shooting traitors in the face. The man suggested that he do something "good for America." Turning America into a Liberal-Scum World is not a good thing. It sounds too much like something Nancy Pelosi would do.



With The Media
Dick does his best to help the liberal media understand the complexities of ruling a world filled with terrorists and Canadians.

With Congress
Dick attends Senate votes to make sure Senators vote as they have been paid and lobbied to. Sometimes, he shares special words of wisdom with those who forget.

With Laws
Dick has worked hard with Alberto Gonzales to help secure the right of all Americans to torture.

In his first term in office, he worked with Scooter Libby to integrate smileys into the legal code. Together, the two proved so patriotic that they outed an undercover CIA agent.

With Oil
Dick is the former CEO of one of the greatest companies in American history, Halliburton, and as is the world's leading expert on oil. He is so knowledgeable about it, in fact, that he dictated The Greatest Administration Ever's oil policy in a series of complicated meetings with oil executives, while being considerate enough to keep the meetings top secret so as not to confuse the public.

Along with the Greatest President Ever, he will Stay the Course in Iraq in order to milk the region's oil for its precious freedom molecules.

Awards



 * First recipient of The Colbert Report's December 18, 2006 Profiles in Balls for his having "the rocks to call it like it is", as Dr. Stephen Colbert put it.

Fractoids

 * Statistically speaking, Dick Cheney shoots someone every 3.3458 minutes. Which happens to be one of the leading causes of death among white, middle-aged males, right above coronary artery disease.
 * Cheney's immortality is assured through drinking the blood of individuals who happen to appear in his cross hairs, like such famous people as: Valerie Plame, Tom Selleck, Harry Whittington, and Joseph Wilson.
 * What's good for Dick Cheney is good for America.
 * Best friends with Senator Larry Craig and former Governor Jim McGreevey.
 * Dick Cheney is a leading member of the United Methodist Church.
 * Cheney actually keeps his soul inside of a cursed strongbox surrounded by a chupacabra-filled lake of boiling oil (donated by Halliburton), and that lake is contained deep within Area 51 which is guarded by a clone of the Master Chief and the now-unemployed zombie-skeletons from Army of Darkness.
 * Cheney doesn't blink much. Puts too much strain on the area of his chest where the heart is located in other people.
 * Cheney's daughter Mary owns a very successful rug cleaning business.
 * Cheney has recused himself from any tie to that Rug Cleaning business and will not talk about it in public.
 * Cheney never cries for anything.
 * Lynn Cheney enjoys writing gay porn.
 * Cheney's presence and name spread feelings of warmth and security, even to reporters.
 * Cheney is not to be confused with any Sith lord in Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones.
 * Cheney has feelings for his lesbian daughter, and does not know any hookers.
 * Dick Cheney has a physical condition in his leg where his blood will clot. It clears up by spraying holy water on it every few minutes, a solution provided by his preacher, not a "doctor".
 * Cheney is the twin brother of Australian leader John Howard.
 * His fondest pipe dream is driving a bulldozer into the New York Times while drinking crude oil out of Keith Olbermann's skull.
 * Can start fires with his mind.
 * Dick Cheney stashes state secrets by the sea shore.
 * It is a scientifically proven urban legend that he ever exceeded his authority

Retirement


Darth Mr. Cheney is preparing himself a nice, long indictment-free retirement.

When If that occurs, Mr. Cheney will be enjoying it immensely as the world looks back nostalgically.

Internets Tubes

 * The Quantum Cheneyverse
 * The heartwarming Cheney's Law
 * Cheney Teaching the Branches of Government