Breaking News/Archive/012007

Japanese Ship Tries to Block US Submarine From Surfacing
ABOARD THE USS NEWPORT NEWS, AMERICA'S EASTERN OCEAN, January 9, 2007-- In a repeat of 6 years ago, another Japanese "merchant" vessel tried to prevent yet another United States Naval Submarine from surfacing by sailing directly above it.

Six years ago, nine high school students died, when the Ehime Maru sailed above the USS Greeneville in some new-age version of their kamikaze Pearl Harbor killer ancestors.

And now they did it again.

The Japanese boat, the Ching Chong, went out of its way to prevent another nucular-powered United States Naval submarine (the USS Newport News) from surfacing in the same way one's cat prevents one from waking up in the morning by laying on top and doing that weird thing with their paws.

No one was injured, but the rickety little boat suffered some damage, although, how could anyone tell since it was already so dinged-up to begin with.

"These people should not be behind the wheel of any kind of watercraft," declared the unnamed Oil Executive who was temporarily piloting the submarine, "my kid can can sail better than that."

And he's right, according to just-released documents, Wikiality.com discovered that the Japanese boat was of such poor quality that even a Cuban wouldn't sail it.

###

Stephen's Black Friend's Imposter Blathers on Liberal Media Tube!
WASHINGTON, POST, AMERICA, January 8, 2007-- Wikiality.com just learned that the man who poses as Stephen's Black Friend was given space in a tube of the liberal media!

Shamelessly claiming to be "black", Mr. "Carlos" deftly typed words about race and other fictional things.

Wikiality.com has just one thing to say to you Mr. "Carlos" (if that's even your real name): don't hate the playa, hate the game!.

Word out! ###

It's Battle Stations Time, America!
AMERICA'S HEARTLAND, AMERICA, January 3, 2007-- With only a few days remaining in the Greatest Era EVER! Americans are being called to arms to protect our way of life!

America's very own canary in the coal mine of freedom, Hal Turner (possible relation to Turner from "The Turner Diaries", has announced this warning from his bunker on the frontlines on the War on America:
 * "...the country is in mortal danger..."

Clearly, Hal is warning all Americans about the threat of illegal aliens and other assorted America Haters described by Mr. Turner as, "...tens of thousands who didn't give a s--- about our other laws as they murdered, raped, robbed, dealt illegal drugs..."

But they are also flaunting their "Constitutional protections" from due process to illegal searches and seizures as many of them have learned only one phrase in American: "... I will not be arrested because I have thus far committed no crime..."

Hal called out the aliens, with his own homage to The Greatest President Ever's "Bring 'em on!", "...the entire world will find out if you're real or just a bigmouth coward...", thus showing his balls and patriotism.

Come on Americans! We must support Hal Turner, brave American! ###

Liberal Media Selects "Internets Sexual Predators" Their "People of the Year" for 2006
THE PEOPLE'S REPUBLIC OF SAN FRANCISCO, CAULIFLOWER, December 17, 2006-- The liberal media have shat on The Baby Jesus yet again. In the most blatant slap in His Holiest face, "Time" magazine awards their "Person of the Year" award to "anyone using or creating content on the World Wide Web", which means internets sexual predators!

Good going, you filthy, filthy commies!

Now you have gone and made The Baby Jesus cry. Are you happy now? ###

Hot Stock Tip!
RED STATE, AMERICA, December 15, 2006-- Important News from Wikiality.com Insider Stock Division

Market analysts are now recommending immediate investment in the newest hot industry: Stool Testing!!! There are many subsectors to choose from:
 * equipment manufacturing
 * sample handling services
 * sample shipping services
 * sample testers and
 * sample analysts

Since the FDA has proven itself to be a part of the government and not in support of The Baby Jesus and all that is Holy, America's foods have become the targets of terrorist schemes.

No one has died from this (U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.!) but many people have become sick (at least not sick enough to need the services of the Pharmaceutical Industry).

And this is where the Stool Testing Industry can fill the gap while boosting their bottom-lines.

Call your broker today and tell them Wikiality.com has recommended the Stool Testing Industry as a must buy!

God Bless America!

###

Halliburton Opens New Division
HOUSTON, TEXAS, December 15, 2006--

The world's greatest corporation has announced today that it will be expanding into the field of health services.

"We here at Halliburton are not out to make a buck, we just want to make America safe," said an unnamed spokesman during a phone interview with Wikiality.com, "all we are concerned about is the health and well-being of Americans."

The company allowed the press a short tour of their new fully-equipped Health Services facility in Houston. A small, snack was provided during a dignified poetry reading with Russell Simmons in the Kenneth Lay Memorial Free Market Auditorium. Mr Simmons later signed Official Halliburton Specimen Cups for all the participants.

###

HEALTH ALERT!!!
RED STATE, AMERICA, December 12, 2006--

An unnamed health advocacy group has released a new unpublished study showning that certain food products designed for babies have been manufactured using birth control pills as their main ingredient!

The unnamed group goes on to say in their unpublished report that the real culprit is soy.

Real Americans are asked to gather all food products containing soy together for a church-sponsored bonfire.

Your pastor has started a phone-tree as this HEALTH ALERT is being distributed so that only The Best Americans can be protected from this menace!

Please note: if you or your child have been in contact with any soy-based products in the past 6 years you may have been contaminated. Look for these warning signs of soy-poisoning:
 * feminization
 * light-in-the-loaferness
 * anu-hunger
 * sudden desire for leather-based clothing
 * sudden ability to dance
 * sudden desire to dance

If you or any of your family are experiencing any of these symptoms, seek medical help immediately at your local church.

Wikiality.com will be following this story while drinking rBST directly from a Ggenetically modified cow.

###

ACLU Tries to Prevent The Saving of American Troops
WASHINGTON D.C., December 11, 2006-- There is a battle being waged by American troops today.

But, it is not on the battlefields of a free Iraq.

No.

This battle is for the souls of the very troops doing the fighting--and yes --the dying just so some Islamo can worship Jesus Christ, Our Lord and Savior wearing a towel on his head while keeping his money instead of paying it to a government in a country free from civil war.

An obstacle stands silently in their way: the ACLU. Like an IED on the road to redemption, ready to prevent opportunity from spreading the glorious freedom that God has bestowed upon America's Planet, the ACLU has enlisted the help of activist judges to undo God's work.

Today, the Pentagon stands as a beacon of shining light guiding Our Troops to salvation. Yet, the ACLU wants to stop officers from saving the souls of the enlisted men.

Since the ascention of The Greatest President Ever to the White House, the Pentagon has been able to save the souls of troops with more freedom than the previous occupant allowed.

"Before an Evangelical was placed in The House of Our Lord, we had to hide," an unnamed officer told Wikiality.com today from his safe stateside office, "as if we were ashamed of something. I am not ashamed to proclaim my faith in Jesus! Hallelujah!  Now, I can share my faith in Jesus with the troops who must obey my every command.  It is very liberating!"

As the officer skipped back to his office following the press conference the room was filled with an air of Heavenly Sacrifice and rapture.

May The Heavenly Father smote every ACLU-card carrying commie where they stand, if they so much as think of preventing one troop's soul from being saved!

Hallelujah!

###

John McCain Proves His Law-abided-ness
WASHINGTON, D.C., December 8, 2006-- Hallelujah! Finally, a real America steps up to the plate to defend America from Liberalism!

The Republican Senator John McCain has proclaimed his affiliation with the With Us side in the War on Crime.

Liberals, on the other hand, have sided once again with the Against Users, child molesters and all-around commie, pinko, homo, Jesus-hating, Hate America Firsters.

McCain drafted legislation today to protect Jesus' Internet Tubes from wickedness and other forms of filthy, filthy Liberalism.

"The following web pages will be held accountable in this life for supporting The Liberal Agenda," Senator McCain read from a prepared statement, "Web pages that accept images from their users; any Web site with a message board; any chat room; any social-networking site; any e-mail service; any instant-messaging service; any Internet content hosting service."

To finish the exhaustive list, a spokesman then took over for the out-of-breath McCain, "...any domain name registration service; any Internet search service; any electronic communication service; and any image or video-sharing service."

As the spokesman was treated with oxygen by a near-by waiting ambulance, a written statement was handed out to the assembled reporters, showing a web page containing more information.

When asked what her feelings were on the legislation, Hillary Clinton started talking about so many other things, that this Wikiality.com reporter got bored and walked away, I mean, seriously, she can't asnwer a question with a simple "yes" or "no" when asked if she loves The Baby Jesus?

Loser. ###

Liberal Taken Prisoner in War on Christmas
JESUSLAND, FLORIDA, December 8, 2006-- A liberal was taken as a prisoner of war by American troops in the War on Christmas today after attempting to sell un-American items as Christmas items.

"Whenever you have items that make The Baby Jesus cry, you cannot call them Christmassy", Florida's Governor and Presidential candidate, Jeb Bush said, "and porn is not Christmassy."

All-American soldiers working for a private contractor took the unnamed liberal into custody under the watchful eye of Mr. Bush and the 101st Emergency Florida Photo-ops Battalion.

Wikiality.com tried to reach Hollywood's favorite pornographer, Michael P. Keaton for a comment, but Rush was right: he couldn't stop shaking long enough to explain why he supports pornography, but not The baby Jesus. ###

Number of Reporters Jailed Hits Record
NEW YORK, NEW YORK, December 7, 2006-- Police officials around the world have worked tirelessly to jail as many reporters as they could in 2006 and it seems they were able to break their old record.

"I don't know what to say, this is so overwhelming!" a spokeman for the police said, "We have so many people to thank...first off to all the cops out there: 'you're my boys, yo!' To the courts who looked in the correct direction while we cops did our thing: 'we couldn't have broken the record without you, thanks brothers.' And, last but not least, we would like to thank the media themselves, without whose back-stabbing complicity none of this would have been possible. Thank You Rupert Murdoch, WOO HOO!!!" ###

WARNING LADIES
Some quantities of Stephen Colbert's Formula 401 may have been contamined by an unspecified number of David Crosby sperm at the Harvesting Lab due to an accident.

Please contact Stephen for a complimentary replacement bottle or in-home consultation.

###

Cat Stuck In Tree
SACRAMENTO, CALIFORNIA - A cute, furry feline climbed a tree this afternoon and is still there. For more, please watch the following: 9j7o8ixbrLo

###

Terrorists Infiltrate American Corporation
MADISON AVENUE, NEW YORK, NEW YORK, December 6, 2006-- File this story under "HOLY CRAP!" or maybe even, "SEE? WE TOLD YOU IF DEMOCRATS TOOK CONGRESS, TERRORISTS WOULD TAKE OVER AMERICA!"

Wikiality.com reporters discovered secret Mooslim terrorist cells inside a prominent American corporation.

For more information, click here.

###

Divine Retribution!
BROOKLYN, NEW YORK, NEW YORK, December 5, 2006-- God's vengenace is swift and righteous!

Praise Jesus!

Within hours after an activist judge allowed a woman to hang a "peace symbol" wreath on or near her home, The Lord Our God saw fit to smote a liberal!

Finally, God will be removing liberals one at a time (Can't wait for Him to get to Satan's Minion)!

What a Father God is, no man could ever give His Son a better gift!

Happy Birthday Jesus!

Halleluliah! ###

Kennedy Family Trying to Ride Dr. Colbert's Coattails
CAMBRIDGE, Taxachusetts, December 1, 2006--

Ace driving instructor and Coattail-rider, Teddy Kennedy was exposed this weekend trying again to ride Dr. Colbert's Glorious coattails.

At the Kennedy Klan's school of Socialism at some place called "Havre'd" (spelling?), Mr. Kennedy posed as a man named "Chris Corcoran" and attempted to interview Dr. Colbert.

Ann Coulter and the students of her prestigious institute were able to see through the ruse in time for Dr. Colbert to escape unharmed.

Safely outside the orgy-torium, Dr. Colbert released a statement through a spokesman:
 * "If not for the brave actions of a few souls, Dr. Colbert would still be in the clutches of the hippie liberals to this moment. Dr. Colbert would like to thank the patriotic citizens who were able to free him from a Kennedy.  That is all."

When asked about his involvement in the incident, Barack Obama did not return calls. Wikiality.com can safely assume he was behind the entire filthy, filthy enterprise.

Check back regularly for podacsts of the entire incident. ###