Arnold Schwarzenegger



Arnold Schwarzenegger is an alien creature sent to Earth to prepare it for invasion by his species, the Cylons. At the command of his masters on the planet of Caprica, the Earth copy of the Schwarzenegger machine first infiltrated the world of light porn made for Gay Bears. That's how he gained their allegiance in his masters' plan to take over the Soviet state of California. Prof. McDoc is studying this strange race.

The Cylon Master Plan
The diabolical Cylon master-plan continued as their Schwarzenegger machine simultaneously penitrated the Hollywood film industry and the powerful Kennedy family.

The Cylons are known to transfer alien DNA to real Americans (i.e. humans) by what appears to be friendly grab-ass play. Schwarzenegger is a master of this technique and has single-handedly (and, sometimes, double-handedly) infected everyone in California, and in the various Kennedy compounds.

Career in Entertainment
The Cylons cleverly created a movie persona for their puppet, where he destroys armies of cyborgs led by Hillary Clinton. That persona was deviously designed to hide his true identity as a cyborg. At the behest of his Cylon masters, Schwarzenegger portrayed a kick ass action star, crime fighter, and all around manly man. To maintain his appeal to Gay Bears, he also played winking girly man roles like one where didn't even try to hide the fact that he was pregnant during filming with evil alien spawn.

Schwarzenegger also made frequent appearances during the '90s on the hippie/communist propaganda show, Saturday Night Live.

Political Career
Currently he is the illegal governor of California, since he is not a true-born American, which os course means he can't be a real Republican.

As part of his campaign for governor, Schwarzenegger authorized a documentary about his time as a cop at a kindergarten in California, where you need cops in every public place because &mdash; thanks to a lack of moral fiber and Family Values Mdash; all their children are crazed gang bangers.

The documentary almost derailed his campaign, however, when it was revealed that he only showed up at the school when the cameras were rolling. Even then, he'd offer his young charges cigars to smoke during filming breaks.

In his role as "governor" (or as Californians call him, "Governator") Schwarzenegger sometimes tries to look like he wants to bring a conservative, God-fearing aspect to California's liberal hellholes. Of course, that's all just another ruse by his Cylon masters and the Gay Bears that they control.

Schwarzenegger became a Republican once he arrived in the United States, inspired by the great national hero and second best American president, Richard Nixon. The first words he learned in English were "I am not a crook." A few years later he learned the words "I did not have sex with Monica Lewinsky", though that proved to be useless. The truth is he still doesn't speak English.

His leadership is of such an unquestionable nature that nature herself bends to his will!

The Penguin Uprising
In 2005, Schwarzenegger was almost killed by an army of mutant penguins. (Take that global warming supporters: penguins live in the cold, so its only getting colder.) The attack was instigated because the penguins and their leader, Danny DeVito, are actually aliens from the ice planet of Prommnite. Although they were once allied with Schwarzenegger and the Cylons, the Prommnitians formed a rival faction after Schwarzenegger mocked them in one of his movies. The empire struck back, however, when high ranking Promnitian Mel Brooks returned the mockery with the insulting "May the Schwartz be with you!". Unfortunately, Californians thought he was being serious.

Breaking News!
While promoting the state he represents as governor, Ahnult broke his leg skiing. He is currently recuperating in a hospital in Idaho, far from the ski slopes where he broke his leg representing the fine skiing areas in the state where he is governor. The hospital was chosen for its fine hospital-ness, because the state he represents as governor and where he broke his leg skiing does not have one world-class hospital still open in the entire state.

They probably never had one to begin with, so it's a good thing Idaho has them all over the place, and no where near the racism that defines California.