Virginality

Virginality is a quality of personhood required for the proper worship of God and for full participation in the civic life of our great nation. America has the highest percentage of virginality of any country in the world, due largely to the success of the Greatest President Ever's highly successful virginality-training educational policy, "Leave No Child's Behind."

Virginality is not available to godless liberals, gays, lesbians, terrorists, or people who have sex before they are married. Virginality is only for Christians, Republicans, and Amerisexuals. For many years, the liberal media has been trying to undermine virginality and corrupt America's children by insisting that the quality of virginality is only available to people who have never had sex. The truthiness of the matter is quite different, however; virginality is available to all God-fearing Americans who are willing police themselves constantly as they pursue that most elusive - and useless - of unreachable goals.

What Makes Virginality So Important?
While Dr. Stephen T. Colbert, DFA, the ultimate authority on all matters of moral rightness, has not yet taken a strong position on virginality, my gut tells me that virginality is one of the most pressing issues facing America's children today. Rivaled in importance only by the War on Christmas, the liberal media's "War on Virginality" is a bigger threat than the "War on Drugs," "War on Poverty," or "War on Iraq" wars. Face it: if we do not attend to our collective American virginality, our future is going to get a lot more knocked up, venereally diseased, or worse.

How will American's children maintain our unrivaled world dominance in virginality if the only places America's children receive vital messages about not talking about "sex" are their homes, schools, and churches? The liberal media must be held accountable for their silence on the subject of virginality. The liberal media promote their agenda of freely providing information about sex to America's children, thus obscuring the ignorance our children desperately need in order to maintain their virginality. Who will think of the children?

According to many Youth Ministers, some people I talked to, and my gut, the important thing to remember about virginality is that it's about far more than just "doing it." Virginality is about your entire essense as a person. That's why it's so shameful to talk about it, and also why God wants you to try really hard even though you're bound to fail at it. Everyone eventually fails at virginality in some fashion, unless they are perfect (see "Exemplars of Virginality" below). But the great thing about virginality is that you can always try again, because there are different types of virginality and different methods to achieve virginalization.

Types of Virginality
Physical Virginality: virginality of the physical body. This means you've never had "sex."

Spiritual Virginality: virginality of the spirit. Even if you've had physical "sex," you can still maintain or regain spiritual virginality by making sure that your spirit isn't having "sex."

Political Virginality: virginality of voting. This means that you have either refrained from voting or only voted for candidates who themselves represent the highest qualities of virginality (e.g., anti-gay marriage, pro-life, pro-Jesus, anti-"man on dog" sex).

Ways to Achieve Virginality

 * 1) "Abstinence"-Only Virginalities: These methods of pursuing virginality rely on not having "sex" outside of marriage.  The focus of these practices of virginality is the retention of physical and spiritual virginality.  "Abstinence"-Only Virginality is the most important kind of virginality for American children and unmarried heterosexuals, which is why it is the central focus of The Greatest President Ever's educational policy.  "Abstinence"-Only Virginality makes the Baby Jesus happy.


 * The two most popular types of "Abstinence" are


 * Virginanality, or "Backdoor Abstinence": This practice, if done correctly, is not "sex," because it does not involve the insertion of a heterosexual penis into a heterosexual vagina. Anal sex is an acceptable practice of virginality if and only if it is performed by teenagers who are really in love and saving themselves for marriage.  Otherwise, it is sodomy, and anyone who does it is going to hell.


 * Virginorality, or "Less Wicked than 'Sex' but Worse than Backdoor Abstinence": This is not "sex," either, because again there is no direct sinful contact between heterosexual love organs prior to the beautiful consummation of marital coitus. Although some people will tell you that oral sex is less sinful than anal sex, these people are wrong.  Oral sex is "Abstinence," but it is less "Abstinent" than anal sex because eye contact is more likely to be involved.

The liberal media wants you to think that "Abstinence" is only about retaining your physical virginality. Physical virginality is important to God, the Baby Jesus, and America, but it so is spiritual and political virginality. If you look at your partner while engaged in "Abstinence," you might undermine your spiritual virginality by increasing the possibility of your spirit engaging in sexually lewd behavior. Therefore, Virginanality is more "Abstinent" than Virginorality.


 * 1) Re-Virginalities: These methods of pursuing virginality rely on returning to practices of virginality after having been non-Abstinent and/or a liberal.


 * LikeaVirginality: Virginality for former sluts or former democrats who want to return to a more virginal lifestyle.


 * Ex-Gay Virginality: The most holy virginality of all.  Ex-gay re-virgins often become ministers, in order to lead others down the glorious paths of righteous virginality.  Also this provides them with lots of access to "Backdoor Abstinence."

Exemplars of Virginality
Blessed Virgin Mary: The mother of Our Lord and Savior, Mary managed to maintain all three types of Virginality until the day she magically floated up to heaven on a cloud. She's such a special lady.

Jesus Christ: Jesus was kind of like the mack daddy of virginality. Even though some people think he was gay, they are wrong. He was so extra-virginal that he was like triple ex-gay.

Stephen Colbert: Stephen is the sexiest man alive and is widely rumored to  have had performed the sacred act of heterosexual love-making with his wife (while watched over approvingly by the Baby Jesus). Stephen's exceptional virginality is attested to in the fact that he and his wife have three children - no more, no less. What he did before he and his wife married (or since, for that matter) doesn't enter the picture -- any more than does his longstanding hot heterosexual man-love romance with Paul Dinello. Virginality is about purity, Godliness, Americanism, and general rightness, so Stephen is the very embodiment of all that virginality means. Also, he does not do masturbation, which is strictly forbidden by the holy laws of virginality.