Chuck Norris/Accomplishments




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Accomplishments
Chuck Norris built the equator to get a leg up on China's "Great Wall."

Chuck Norris can speak braille.

Chuck Norris currently resides in a floating volcano, complete with a giant starecase and bald eagles fyling around it.

When Chuck Norris goes swimming he doesn't get wet. The water gets Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris's tears are the cure for cancer, too bad he's never cried.

Chuck Norris loves to roundhouse kick grammar nazis.

Chuck Norris and Wolverine once got in a fight, Norris lost his left testacle, and now it's Jupiter.

Chuck Norris waited patiently in Al Capone’s vault for 63 years just so he could give Geraldo Rivera the surprise beating of his lifetime.

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure: Chuck Norris goes killing.

Bullets dodge Chuck Norris.

A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth’s atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publicly claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.

Chuck Norris doesn’t shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris isn’t lactose intolerant. He just doesn’t put up with lactose’s shit.

Chuck Norris doesn’t eat. Rather, he kicks ass until he’s full.

Scientists in Washington have recently conceded that, if there were a nuclear war, all that would remain are cockroaches and Chuck Norris (and Keith Richards).

Chuck Norris once threatened to sue Burger King because they refused to make it his way. When asked what “his way” detailed, he replied: “with barbed wire and nails, of course”. He then roundhouse kicked the reporter for even asking.

Chuck Norris never “gets laid”, rather: “laid gets Chuck”.

Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris

Playgirl magazine once asked Chuck Norris to appear naked in an issue, Chuck laughed at the opportunity saying, “there isn’t enough paper in the world to contain my bearded member”. He then killed the editors simply by unzipping his pants.

Helen Keller’s favorite color is Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris is the only man to defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.

When the Boogeyman goes to bed, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris plays baseball, he hits a homerun every time by roundhouse kicking the baseball. He then proceeds to impregnate all the girls in the stadium with his beard.

Chuck once was shot in the head. He then proceeded to surgically remove the bullet with his beard as forceps and then ate it because his daily iron count was low.

Ice isn’t cold water, its water that is scared still by Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris’s wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, “Don’t worry about it honey,” and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce.

If you look at Chuck Norris while he is smiling, your entire family will get AIDS.

Chuck Norris has an ongoing feud with the Keebler Elves. It started when they stole his idea for putting a kitchen in a tree. While the Elves now make sub par cookies in the tree, Chuck’s tree contains a fully functioning crystal meth lab.

Chuck Norris can actually breathe fire.

A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is “Charles”. Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

In the back of the Guinness Book of World Records, it states, “All records are currently held by Chuck Norris, and the records listed in this book are only the records of those people who have come closest to Chuck Norris’s records.”

Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass, at night!

MacGyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, “Two seconds till.” After you ask, “Two seconds to what?” he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris appeared in the “Street Fighter II” video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this “glitch,” Norris replied, “That’s no glitch.” and killed them for their idoicy

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn’t stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK’s head exploded out of sheer amazement.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse… horses are hung like Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of “beard”. Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus’ obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

To prove it isn’t that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and acquired seven different kinds of cancer, only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.

The original theme song to the Transformers was actually “Chuck Norris–more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris–robot in disguise,” and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie: created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him. Pirates never were very smart.

Chuck Norris used live ammunition during all shoot-outs. When a director once said he couldn’t, he replied, “Of course I can, I’m Chuck Norris,” and roundhouse kicked him in the face.

If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Chuck Norris.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can’t see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.

On the 7th day, God rested…. Chuck Norris took over.

Although it is not common knowledge, there are actually three sides to the Force: the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris.

Scientists used to believe that diamond was the world’s hardest substance. Then they met Chuck Norris, who gave them a roundhouse kick to the face with so much heat and pressure that the scientists turned into artificial Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris was denied a Bacon McMuffin at McDonalds because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a KFC.

Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.

A duck’s quack does not echo. Chuck Norris is solely responsible for this phenomenon. When asked why he will simply stare at you, grimly.

Chuck Norris once tried to defeat Garry Kasparov in a game of chess. When Norris lost, he won in life by roundhouse kicking Kasparov in the side of the face.

Chuck Norris’ roundhouse kick is so powerful; it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.

Chuck Norris once shot an enemy MIG down with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”

Chuck Norris doesn’t need to swallow when eating food.

If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would win? Chuck Norris.

Ironically, Chuck Norris’ hidden talent is invisibility.

Chuck Norris eats transformer toys in vehicle mode and poos them out transformed into a robot.

Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 world series of poker despite him holding just a joker, a 2 of clubs, a 7 of spades, and a green number 4 from Uno and a monopoly ‘get out of jail free’ card.

Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, don’t be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.

Chuck Norris invented water after he and the Bear Hunters of America killed the first bears that made up 80% of the Earth's surface.

Chuck Norris went looking for a bar but couldn’t find one. He walked to a vacant lot and sat there. Sure enough within an hour an a half, someone constructed a bar around him. He then ordered a shot, drank it, and then burned the place to the ground. Chuck Norris yelled over the roar of the flames, “always leave things the way you found 'em!"

Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.

Chuck Norris is Luke Skywalker’s real father.

Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it.

God said 'let there be light' ...Chuck Norris said, "say please"

Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light on. It’s not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but because the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris “digs for gold”, he actually pulls out gold.

Chuck Norris doesn’t worry about changing his clock twice a year for daylight savings time. The sun rises and sets when Chuck tells it to.

The Japanese aren’t afraid of a 300-foot tall monster. “Godzilla” is Japanese for chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once beat Super Mario Brothers 3 without touching the controller. He just stared at the T.V. until it beat itself.

When you open a can of whoop-ass, Chuck Norris comes out.

Chuck Norris has been known to solve the rubix cube in 5.5 seconds by simply staring at it and 3.5 seconds by repeatedly roundhouse kicking it.

Chuck Norris once walked down the street with a boner, no one survived

Chuck Norris counted to infinity… twice.

Chuck Norris doesn’t use the internet. He has already read it.

Chuck Norris doesnt sleep, he waits, but if Chuck were to sleep, he would sleep with a pillow under his gun.

Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris is actually not funny and the jokes have now become lame......... NOT!

==Superpowers