History Of The United States

The Greatest Nation on Earth as voted by God for the 550th year in a row, was once a bear-filled land occupied by Godless heathens. After being discovered and colonized by Christopher Columbus, then kicking out the British, the United States became the greatest superpower of all time.

In the process of becoming the greatest superpower of all time, Americans initially settled on the east coast, had a Civil War, and then settled the middle, and west coasts, kicked the Nazi's asses, and ended racism.



The Discovery Of America
Our first unofficial President, Christopher Columbus discovered America when he landed his 4 vessels on America's Continent in 1492. Columbus spent the rest of his life making future colonists safer by fighting--America's first terrorist group--the Indians off our God given lands.

Columbus was so dedicated to this purpose, he tried to find the Fountain Of Youth in New Jersey. Ironically, Columbus died after drinking the New Jersey water, thinking that its greenish tint was a result of its "magical" properties.

Soon after Columbus, Christian colonists soon started flowing into the new nation given to us by God. Vessels such as the USS Mayflower lead the oppressed refugees of Protestant Reformation to the new land. They were then instructed by newly descended (from heaven) Jesus to multiply, and shape the land in his image.

The Colonies
Believe it or not, there were 13 original colonies. One for each stripe on the American flag. Each colony had its own unique feature that aided in the kicking of Brittan's ass in World War Zeroeth. (Example: Rhode Island: Quahogs.) These 13 colonies are often divided into three groups:


 * New America Colonies - Made up of New Hampshire, Connecticut, Massachusetts, and Rhode Island.
 * Fractoid: The New American (or New England, as liberals now call it) colonies were once considered the "Gut Of America", due to their creative ideas. Perhaps due to the long winters in New America.


 * Southern New America Colonies - Consisted of New York, New Jersey, Pennsylvania, Delaware, and Maryland.
 * Fractoid: While the Northern New America colonies had the gut, the Southern New America Colonies had the population and manpower that proved important when it was time to fight.


 * Bible Belt Colonies - Were constructed of Virginia, North Carolina, South Carolina, and Georgia.
 * Fractoid: For what the Bible Belt colonies lacked in gut and muscle, they made up for in faith. No army could stand against them with Jesus on their side.

Colonial Life
The American colonists lived a simple, plain existence compared to today. There were no intrawebs, tv, or nintendos in existence yet. All one had was his family, his land, his Bible, and that one crazy guy screaming down in the pillory.

Colonial life was hard, Americans often had to work 10 or 12 hours a day (Is this possible?). True to the American spirit, most colonists exploited the land (until drained of natural resources), and then moved onto a new untainted lot to repeat the process. Even women were expected to work.(?!?) Although the main role of wives was still the same then as it is today—to raise and nurture healthy children (at least 5), and support their husbands—women also were expected to perform tasks such as churning butter, and knitting things.

The main entertainment source was going to church on Sundays. Churches would often organize group bear hunts which were not only done for the protection of the community, but built a sense of community among the new immigrants. Other entertainment consisted of burning witches and tar and feathering homosexuals.



Birth Of A Nation

 * (If you wanted the movie about the KKK, did you hear racism no longer exists in America?)

As the British slowly started creeping out Americans with their rotten, crooked teeth in combination of some other things like unfair taxes or something, drove Real Americans to see the need for independence from England. Along with a new ally, the Founding Fathers constructed both the Declaration of Independence, and The Constitution.

Declaration of Independence
Main Article: Declaration of Independence

The signing of the Declaration Of Independence signifies the creation of the United States. One could paraphrase the document as saying this:


 * ''When in the course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to stop holding America back as the greatest nation on earth, America must insist that those smelly breathed British get the Hell out of US of A, and don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out"

Then it goes on to say how the king of England has been this big asshole, and how he should come over and lick America's balls (the state of Georgia, because of its shape). Lastly it imposes that America is a Christian nation.

The Constitution
Main Article: Constitution of the United States of America

Inspired by their success with the Declaration of Independence, the Founding Fathers wrote the Constitution two days later, on July 6, 1776. Like the Bible, the Constitution is a document which contains the living word of God. This is truth because Jesus was not only a present member of the Continental Congress, he actually ghostwrote the Constitution under the alias of "Thomas Jefferson".

Better Know A Founding Father

 * (''Not to be confused with the segment Better Know A Founder.)


 * George Washington - Never told a lie, and like America, never lost a battle. His face is on the dollar.
 * Thomas Jefferson - "Loved" his black slaves unpaid servants. The Cello, a musical instrument was named after his home, Monticello.
 * James Madison - A leader in conservationism and Frugality, Madison went about the countryside in parts of Ohio, Illinois, and Indiana planting apple trees. The originator of the hippie cult.
 * Benjamin Franklin - Reportedly had sex with every women in Paris before the decider of France would send troops to help America. Although, his inability to predict the weather was problematic to his favorite hobby of kite-flying.
 * Jesus Christ - The Messiah, our Lord and the Savior of mankind, the Son of God, the Good shepherd, the King of kings, Lord of lords, the Light of the World, the Prince of Peace, aka Jesus of Nazareth was the founder of The Greatest Nation of All Time™.
 * George W. Bush - Not really a founding father, but will be included in this list for all he has done since 9/11 to change the Constitution for our protection.

Revolutionary War

 * Main Article: World War 0


 * "To be the Man, You gotta beat the Man. Woooooo!!"
 * —Ric Flair

The Revolutionary War, better known as World War 0, was a war that made America what it is, both an independent nation, and the World's Greatest Superpower. But to become the greatest superpower they had to beat the reigning world superpower. However it was not an easy fight, and give the British credit. Whereas wars now a days are won in a few days maybe a week or two (as was the case in Iraq), World War 0 took an astonishing one year to win!

Boston Massacre
The British massacre was an event in which unprovoked British soldiers started firing their guns on American citizens. This attack killed more Americans than the AIDS epidemic of 1766. It is widely considered by historians to be the 9/11 of World War 0.

On Christmas day in 1775, British soldiers already unhappy with the birthday of Christ, started throwing snowballs at children. When the screams of humiliated wenches no longer satisfied these sadistic madmen, they opened fire. 15,998 people died as a result of their wounds.

First Shots At Lexington
Lexington, Kentucky became the unlikely spot for the breakout of hostility. Upon hearing about the Boston Massacre through the pony express, Kentucky militiamen instantly mobilized. They were led by fellow Kentuckian and American Hero, Davy Crockett.

The battle started when Crockett's militiamen encountered 30 British soldiers gang-raping the villagers' livestock. The Americans opened fire killing all 30 British soldiers with one well placed salvo.

The British Strike Back
The British hired 800 bear mercenaries made up of 2 Black Bear divisions and 1 elite Grizzly Bear division. These legions of death were able to defeat most of the American armies in the southern states through shear intimidation...and claws. The bear onslaught was so great that the only force that could stop it from defeating the Americans entirely, was mother nature. Winter came and the bears had to hibernate. All that was left of the (non-hibernating) British forces were German Hessians outside of Trenton.

French Rescue??? (That's right, the French)
General George Washington on Christmas day led his physically strong, well-clothed and fed, and high spirited men into Trenton where they routed their Hessian foes without losing a man. Seeing their chance for total victory in the war, Washington marched his troops south to Virginia for one final epic battle.

Distracting the bear mercenaries with carcasses of Indians mixed with salmon, the American army was able to trap every British soldier in Yorktown, West Virginia. Although the typical kill ratio was 18:1 in favor of American soldiers, the numbers were so great that it was impossible for even these Americans to kill every single redcoat present in Yorktown.

However aid came from the least likely of sources. Of all people, it was the French who came to our rescue and killed the remaining British soldiers in Yorktown. This of course, was before the French Revolution in which resulted in the mandatory guillotining of balls for all men once they reach the age of 7.

The Americans had now won their independence by slaughtering every British soldier in America's Continent.

Manifest Destiny


Manifest Destiny is one of many gifts God has bestowed upon America. Simply it is the truth that all land between the Atlantic, and Pacific ocean belongs to America. All previous claims or treaties regarding this land stating otherwise, are null and void.

This phrase makes a lot of sense, "Manifest" meaning that it is good, or right to do so; "Destiny" meaning that it is unavoidable or inevitable. Today the term is used to spread and enforce defend democracy around the world.

The Manifest Destiny Terrorists

 * Main Article: American-Indian War

Similar to Al-Qaeda today, the Indians once were the "chief" enemies of freedom, democracy, and the United States as a whole. They steadfastly opposed this God given right for America to expand from coast to coast.

Also similar to todays times, this "War On Terror" against the Indians lasted for 100's of years spanning countless generations. But inevitably, as in every war the USA has participated in, America came up on top.

Civil War

 * Main Article: The War of Northern Aggression

The War Of Northern Aggression or "Civil War" as it is sometimes called, was a war in which the Northern States (The Union) unjustifiably attacked and defeated the Southern States (The Confederacy). The Union won not through tactical or technological superiority, but rather through overwhelming numbers, and cheating.

The Confederacy
The Confederacy stood for what it viewed that America had lost since its colonial days. The South realized that the ideals once cherished by America, such as a farm-based economy, traditional values, and a predominately white society were now absent in the Northern States.

Things were so bad for the south that not even a elected Republican President (Abraham Lincoln) could make things right. Led by Stephen's own South Carolina, the Southern states were forced to break away from Union.

Attack Of The Union
On September 11th, 1861, Union forces sneak attacked the Confederate fort at Fort Sumter, SC. Today, this is known by everyone as the 9/11 of The War Of Northern Aggression.

Lincoln with his charismatic, charming good looks was able to recruit a Union Army made up of several million volunteers. All armed with new AK-47 rifles, the Union sought to starve the Confederates with a military blockade. This proved unsuccessful due to the southerners' willingness to eat roadkill.

Before the fore mentioned Union soldiers could walk the 600 miles to the south, the Confederacy won several battles against the Union. However two years later, the bulk of the Union finally caught up to the Rebels, they met in Gettysburg, Pennsylvania. It would prove to be the turning point of the War Of Northern Aggression.

Gettysburg
This battle was actually pretty boring three day battle. A whole bunch of men dressed in gray and blue died.

On the first day, A thousand or so guys in gray tried to take the town of Gettysburg from the guys in blue. After taking the city, then tried to get up a hill that the blue guys ran up.

On the second day, the gray people were still trying to get up that hill the blue guys were on top of. They tried getting up the hill by going through the woods, and then up through some bushy area. When both of those didn't work. The men in gray suits tried to get up the hill by going around the blue men. That didn't work very well either.

The final day, the gray people were still trying to get up the hill the blue guys had. After firing their cannons the gray guys tried to cross a field that had blue guys at the end of it behind a fence. Even though the gray men charged with a whole bunch of men, they didn't cross the field before the blue people killed them.

The Gray people lost, and they ran away. Battle over, blue side wins.

Sherman's March
"Sherman's March To The Sea" was a series of events led by General Sherman, whose consequences that unknowingly led to the defeat of the Confederacy.

By late 1864, Sherman and his army were sick of fighting in the Northern States, but more so the winters in these states. He had heard from one of his lieutenants that Atlanta was nice in January. They started marching to Atlanta. As they crossed a railroad in the south they tore it up because they were afraid of President Abraham Lincoln sending rail cars down to pick them up.

Sherman's men ran into two problems. The first being that no one remembered to pack any food. So they had to steal from local southern farmers, but promised to pay them back come spring time. The second problem occurred when they finally reached Atlanta. Upon finding Atlanta just as cold as the north, they started building small fires to warm themselves. One of these fires got out of control, and burned Atlanta to the ground.

Hoping that no one would notice, they continued to head south. When they finally reached the sea, a Union naval ship approached them, and informed them that the war was over. Happily, Sherman and his men were able to stay down south for the next 20 years rebuilding.

End Of The Confederacy


Along with Sherman's March, the south was doomed when the Union also captured the Rebel capital. Finally, at last, Confederate General "Buddy" Lee surrendered to General "The worst decider in history" Grant.

With Lee's surrender came the end to the Confederate dream. The hope of preserving old fashioned, white heritage died that day too. Southern chivalry and honor gave way to dishonesty and dishonor. America would never be the same.

End Of Unpaid Servitude
The North also freed black people from their "Unpaid Servitude". No longer being an unpaid servant is the second greatest thing white people have ever rendered to black people. Second only to, of course, basketball.

World War I

 * Main Article: World War I

World War I started in 1917 when the Americans entered the War. Sure, some things may have happened before 1917, but who cares? This is American history.

US Entry Into The War
The war started out with the sinking of the American Battleship, the USS Lusitania by the Germans. This would prove to be the last mistake Germany ever made (well, at least in this war). The sinking of the USS Lusitania is now defined by the world as the 9/11 of the World War I.

Germany countered by trying to get Mexico to join on the side of Germany, and attack America. However this failed because no one in Germany could speak Mexican, and no one in Mexico could speak German.

America Wins.....Again!
America's first victory came when an unnamed fighter ace shot down the legendary "Red Baron" in one of his first missions. The mere presence of American soldiers caused Germany's production of munitions, and moral to drop by 57% in the summer of 1918.

America won the war for the Allies (similar to the Coalition of The Willing, but not as large) in the fall of 1918 when they launched an attack spearheaded by the newest American invention, the Tank. This Halliburton-made "M1 Abrams" tank destroyed everything in its sight, all the way to Berlin.

Aftermath
The Versailles Treaty signed on November 11, 1918 ended World War I. It stipulated that Germany was not allowed to have any guns larger or powerful than a water-pistol. In addition, Germany must accept all things America does not want (for example: David Hasselhoff or Genocide). The so called "War To End All Wars" did exactly that....for almost 21 years.

Great Depression

 * Main Article: Greatest Depression

The Great Depression was a world wide recession so great that it remained unmatched for decades until Bill Clinton took office. It started on October 29, 1929, better known as Black Tuesday. Black Tuesday got its name because it marked the first and only time Black people were allowed on the trading floor. Such a radical idea was met with overwhelming terror in the rest of the world. People around the world were so racist (of course not Americans, racism did not exist at this time), that they started to withdraw their money from their banks, and even stopped going to their jobs. This caused the world economy to collapse.

Conspiracy?
October 29, 1929 also was the day Democratic President Franklin D. Roosevelt, a known communist went into office. Some speculate that he, and his Jewish comrades were exercising their world domination and actually responsible for the great depression.

Roosevelt was a student of Karl Marx, and was eager to imply his evil Communist pogroms against the Nation. Roosevelt, 10 years later showed his allegiance to communist Russia by sending them weapons manufactured here in the USA! Instead of saying "No Deal" to FDR, Americans went along with his "New Deal" FDR's socialist programs would not have been as readily accepted if Americans didn't have anything to eat.

End Of The Great Depression
The Great Depression ended with the start of World War II. As all good historians know, nothing solves an economic slump like a war. And the greatest economic depression could only be cured through the biggest war of all time.

World War II

 * Main Article: World War II

The Outbreak Of War
War started when Polish troops attacked a German radio station in Gleiwitz, Germany. This provoked Germany into a defensive action against Poland. As a result of this purely defensive operation, all of Poland was occupied within a month. From there Germany set it's sight on France. Even though France had a much larger army and more tanks, they were still French, and surrendered 5 weeks after the fighting began.



Pearl Harbor
Main Article: Pearl Harbor

The Japanese Attack on Pearl Harbor is the event that thrust America into World War II. It has served as the object lesson to other nations not to mess with the USA. Pearl Harbor is considered by lots of old people to be the 9/11 of World War II. Despite what the liberals may have dug up since the passing of the Freedom Of Information Act, America had absolutely no knowledge that Japan was going to attack. 123

Invasion of Russia
The summer after the Pearl Harbor attack, the Germans performed a 9/11ish attack of their own. However, this sneak attack was one of the few justified, by the simple fact they were fighting the Communists. Germany killed at least 20 million of the bolshevik bastards by the time the first winter snows arrived.

Sadly, Germany's success did not last long. By the start of the first Russian winter, the tide had turned on the Germans, and the Russian Hords soon forced the noble German army into retreat. However militarily and tactically advanced the Germans were, none of their elite Panzer forces stood a chance against the newly commisioned Russian Polar Bear divisions conscripted in Siberia.

To the sadness of all freedom lovers everywhere, Germany did not defeat Russia in World War II. The world would have been a much better place.

D-Day
D-Day was the start of the liberation of Europe. Before we could deal with the sneaky Japanese, we were obligated to liberate France from her occupiers, again... (You think France would have built a wall or something to protect themselves). Needless to say, America defeated Nazi Germany singlehandedly in one day.

Japan Nuked
Brilliant American scientists developed a technology that enabled the US Air Force to bring the nucular age to two very special cities in Japan, Hiroshima and Nagasaki.

As a result, citizens of these cities were very "enlightened" with the new gift dropped upon them. It is said that the greatful Japanese seemed to visibly "glow" with happiness, as joy "radiated" into their bodies. With the memory of this newly introduced technology "burned" into their mind, the Japanese quickly surrendered in appreciation of the United State's philantropy.

It isn't if America didn't warn them. The US gave Japan 11 days (that's 11 more days warning than the Japanese gave before Pearl Harbor) to surrender, and ship 300,000 units of the Nintendo Wii to the United States.

The Holocaust
Main Article: The Holocaust

The what? Never heard of it.

Cold War

 * Main Article: Cold War

The Cold War is an ongoing battle between the United States and communist countries around the world. Some might say that the Cold War is over with the defeat of the Soviet Union. Although that was a great victory, it is by far the end of the Cold War. For there are many communist foes actively engaged in a Cold War against the the United States. They now include China, Cuba, North Korea, Laos, and Vietnam (Laos is especially dangerous considering the country is populated by Panda Bears and Siamese Cats.)

Cuban Missile Crisis

 * Main Article: Cuban Missile Crisis

The Cuban Missle Crisis was a result of tactically ineptitude of Democratic President John F. Kennedy. The first major standoff in the Cold War resulted in intolerable embarrassment to the United States. Not only did Kennedy fail to successfully invade Cuba, he allowed Russian Nucular Missiles on America's Continent.

The Greatest President Ever would have handled the situation in a much different (and better) way. The Decider would not have tolerated the USSR to have weapons of mass destruction, let alone have them reach Cuba. Bush would have demanded that Khruschev dismantle his WOMD. Khrushev scared shitless of the ire of The President of the Millennium, would have immediately complied.

After UN inspectors failed to find any weapons of mass destruction (because they would be hidden), Bush would have launched an all out invasion of Russia. But unlike Napoleon or Hitler, who also tried invading Russia and failed, Bush would succeed. Because also unlike Hitler or Napoleaon (in countless ways), he is a military genius.

Ronald Reagan Defeats The USSR
The Greatest President of the 20th Century, Ronald Reagan defeated the USSR by tapping America's 2nd greatest resource (second only to Jesus), money. Using this resource, Reagan defeated the Soviet Union by outspending them. In fact Reagan was so adapt at spending money, he ran out of things to throw money at. He then had to invent fictional things, like the "Strategic Defense Initiative" to spend money on.

The Soviet Union tried its best to keep up with "The Gipper". But after spending all their money on potato peelers and vodka, they had no money left over for routine maintainance on their symbolic, but tangible wall in Berlin.

Civil rights

 * Main Article: Civil Rights

"I am not here to talk about the past..."

- (non-cheater) Mark McGuire, March 17, 2005

It is universally agreed that Americans should not talk about things in its past that would sadden Baby Jesus. Being that there are none that come to mind, there is one thing that makes the Baby Jesus frown, that would be racism. Because it displeases Baby Jesus we should not talk very much about it, or at all.

Racism is hardly even mentionable anyways since it only occured over a relatively small window of time—the 1960's. Would America's uncomfortableness  over racism remain forever? Luckily the answer is no.

The End Of Racism
Stephen announced on February 1, 2007 that racism had officially ended. He personally apologized for slavery unpaid servitude. Now that racism is over, blacks can get reparations from Stephen Colbert's website, where he is offering 10% off on all Southern Heritage products! Don't miss out!

9/11

 * Main Article: 9/11

9/11 was the saddest day ever. It was the attack against the World Trade Center Twin Towers, masterminded by al Qaeda leader Saddam Hussein (step-uncle of current Democratic presidential candidate Barack Hussein Obama). Islamofacist terrorists also attacked the Pentagon, and attempted to crash a plane into The Statue of Liberty, but missed, and crashed into a field in Pennsylvania.

9/11 is considered by many to be the 9/11 of The Global War On Terror.

Who To Blame?
Bill Clinton is 1000% responsible for the attacks of 9/11. He is so guilty, it is surprising that he wasn't piloting all 4 hijacked planes that day.

Present Day

 * Main Article: Since 9/11