Breaking News/Archive/052007

The Army Corrects Oversights in Honoring Military
WASHINGTON, D.C., May 28, 2007--

To further insure that America's military receives the very best in salary, training, protective gear, medical care, leadership and morale, the Army has redefined how the liberal media will be allowed to frame Our Troops once they return from active duty.

Through a series of restatements, the Department of Defense has changed the focus of their policies, called "directives".

For instance:

"'Names, video, identifiable written/oral descriptions or identifiable photographs of wounded service members will not be released without the service member’s prior written consent.'"

For all the changes, please see the Army's 2007 Directives.

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America's Blood Still Straight!
HEALTHLINE, America, May 23, 2007--

The FDA finally got it right today when they voted to renew a 1983 ban on gay blood donation. Despite what the Labcoat Larrys say about gay blood being "just as safe as straight blood," the FDA gets it. Gay blood is an abomination! Just one drop of gay blood is enough to give you The AIDS, even if the gays themselves don't have it. That's how it works: they get to go out and gay it all up, and America has to suffer! Well, not today. Today, the FDA brought those donatenistas at the Red Cross back in line with good old fashioned American values. Here in America, these colors don't bleed... Gay!

In related news, national blood supplies remain at critically low levels. Get out there and donate, Americans!!!

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America's Legal Sweetheart, Monica Goodling To Testify
NANCY PELOSI'S PERSONAL GITMO, May 23, 2007--

Miss Goodling, the top graduate of Pat Robertson's Liberty University is scheduled to be badgered before Nancy Pelosi's minions in the House Judiciary Committee.

This congressional hearing is taking place at the Rayburn Rotunda.

Miss Goodling was given immunity for her testimony into the firing of a few U.S. attorneys. She arrived with her army of lawyers minutes before the lazy liberals slunk in.

Miss Goodling willingly offered testimony on John Murtha's blasphemous machinations regarding earmarks.

No other questions were asked, and once again the Republican members of the committee were able to suspend the hearing until such time as Sandy Berger and William Jefferson also come to testify.

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Florida's Governor Is Not Gay
KEY WEST, FLORIDA, May 22, 2007--

Florida's fabulously hot new governor Charlie Crist (the girls say "Hi Charlie!"), was recently photographed arm in arm with a mostly female companion.

Our Heavenly Father, His Son, Our Lord Jesus (His infant manifestation, The Baby Jesus) and Their vessel on America's Planet, Pope Benedict, have all certified the companion to be female and the acquaintanceship to be of the non-money-changer variety.

"Honey, this is on the up-and-up!" an unnamed spokesman squealed to the reporters at the press conference called for the occasion, "Charlie is hot and now all you breeders can see that for yourselves."

Will Smith's $cientologically inclined wife, Jada Pinket Smith stood at the podium for some reason and also declared their association to be legitimate.

"I feel it is my duty to remind people that $cientology is not a cult, and whenever one of us gets some press, we aren't doing it to evangelize the teachings of L. Ron Hubbard or to say how totally un-gay we are. We do it because we just want to help people by showing them that Xenu lives in all of us.  Thank you, no questions, please."

And with that, the happy couple hugged passionately and held hands as they walked to Tom Cruise's spaceship.

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The Greatest President Ever Defeats Nancy Pelosi Again! Hurray For Our Side!
CRAWFORD, TEXAS, May 22, 2007--

Despite controlling the house, the Democrats in the Senate were not able to get more people to promise to support a vote for a bill that has yet to be voted on. And even then, guess who has the veto?

Eat it, Pelosi!

What will you tell your "constituents" when you go home during the Memorial Day holiday?

Huh? Huh?

You know what members of America's Party are going to tell their constituents? They will proudly tell them they support our president!

Yeehaw!

You suck, Pelosi!

More importantly, what do you think they'll tell you?

All those people you tricked with your witchcraft to vote for you? What do you think they'll say when every single congressman goes home to their districts for the Memorial Day break?

You probably think they'll still be watching American Idol. Shows you what you know, American Idol is over! Sucka!

There isn't a single thing going on to distract America from seeking vengeance on you for your anti-President agenda!

You wanna know what Republicans will be greeted with? Candy. And flowers.

And you wanna know why Republicans will be greeted with candy and flowers when they come home during the Memorial Day break?

Because they support the president. That's why.

Oh, and they support the troops, &etc.

All you will be greeted with is a whole bunch of people throwing those magnetic ribbon things at you.

You better think twice about not supporting our president, Pelosi.

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Paul Wolfowitz Resigns At World Bank; Now At Whole Foods
NINTH CIRCLE OF HELL, DUBAI, TEXAS, May 17, 2007--

Whole Foods a consortium of financiers and "organic farmers" who have no relation to the Carlyle Group announced today they have successfully hired Paul Wolfowitz to work in their Acquisitions division.

The announcement was made at a joint press conference between Mr. Wolfowitz's council and representatives of the Whole Foods board in Washington, D.C..

"Mr. Wolfowitz decided to spend more time with his family and chose this position at Whole Foods," said an unnamed gentleman spokesman dressed in a black hooded cape, "his change in employer has nothing whatsoever to do with any alleged scandal, real or perceived, at the World Bank."

The gentleman made eye contact with each and every member of the assembled press as he slowly swept his hand across the room as if to cast a spel...in other news a dog in China nursed tiger cubs and Paris Hilton has ended her appeals for her jail sentence.

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Jerry Falwell Raptured
HEAVEN, May 15, 2007--

Upon completion of his earthly mission, Reverend Jerry Falwell was raptured today. After passing a thorough security screening and background check at the Pearly Gates, followed by an intense grilling by St. Peter, Reverend Falwell was warmly welcomed by God, Jesus, and the Heavenly Host.

Wikiality.com has not yet received word on whether Reverend Falwell will have to share his home of eternal peace and joy with the gays.

***UPDATE***

The Right Said Fred Phelps is planning another protest at Mr. Falwell's funeral.

Click here for more details.

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Fighting in Iraq Expected To End Within Days
THIS STORY IS AN UPDATE OF A PREVIOUS STORY

BAGHDAD, IRAQ, May 14, 2007--

Just days after The Greatest Vice President Everwas able to remove the most violent insurgent group from Iraq, word is the insurgents will drop their arms and pick up those flowers they were supposed to greet us with in the first place!

Wikiality.com will attempt to keep you informed about any further developments regarding this situation, but if we can't, just assume everything is okay.

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Brangelina Child Labor Plot Exposed!
MALIBU, CAULIFLOWER, May 11, 2007--

Wikiality.com investigators uncovered the biggest bombshell out of Hollywood this day before the document dump!

Many have wondered why Angelina Jolie was adopting third world orphans like they were going out of style, but Wikiality.com has discovered why.

Jolie and her lesbionic "husband", Brad Pitt, have created an efficient multinational child labor ring stretching from Chinaland through some other places to New Orleans and reaching its filthy, filthy tentacle back to Hollywood.

"What makes this child labor ring so impressive is how efficient it is," said an unnamed Wal-Mart shipping executive, who wished to remain anonymous, "we will be asking the court to sentence these people to life imprisonment in order that they may be studied...seriously, I am freakin' impressed at how efficient they are!"

Working in conjunction with the group, Keep America Free and American, Wikiality.com was able to provide conclusive evidence against the Brangelina to the U.S. Department of Justice Department. A swift trial, indictment and arrest was forthcoming.



The diagram above shows how the plot worked.

Step one:
 * 1. George Clooney and Brad Pitt go to an unnamed Third World country to start a sex slavery ring.

Step two:
 * 2a. Nancy Pelosi controls the media to discuss what she feels is important which is whatever Michael Moore or Barbra Streisand think is important.

While Satan's Handmaiden diverts everyone's attention...
 * 2b. Angelina Jolie goes around the world collecting "orphans"

Step three:
 * 3a. Jimmy Carter claims New Orleans needs housing
 * 3b. Brangelina pretend to help, but instead of making housing for New Orleans, the orphans make houses for Hollywood celebrities.

Arrest warrants are out for Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie for their involvement in the child labor ring, and for Barbra Streisand and Michael Moore for being liberal.

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ACLU Officially Merges with NAMBLA
ROANOKE, VIRGINIA, May 11, 2007--

In reaction to a former leader's arrest, the ACLU announces their official merger with NAMBLA.

The story has been creating a buzz on the wires all morning, here are a few samples:

"This was expected, the ACLU and NAMBLA have long been working in cahoots to destroy the moral fabric of this country!"--Fox News

"I am shocked! Outraged!!  Mortified!!!"--Rita Cosby

"To repeat the top story, the ACLU is not joining NAMBLA, or vice versa; instead a former leader of a local branch was charged with possessing child pornography."--every legitimate news agency.

"Now, I'm going to have to join up."--Rush Limbaugh

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Dick Cheney Single-handedly Removes Insurgence Group From Iraq
THE OPEN-AIR BAZAAR THAT LOOKS LIKE DETROIT OR A TYPICAL STATE FAIR, OUTSIDE THE GREEN ZONE, IRAQ, May 9, 2007--

Just like his mentor had done with the Berlin Wall, Dick Cheney was able to defeat an immediate threat to America with the sheer power of his voice.

The very act of Mr. Cheney speaking caused the removal of the most dangerous insurgent group from Iraq.

"It sent shivers down my spine," an unnamed Special Envoy told Wikiality.com, "he is so forceful, and strong, it's hard to resist when he makes demands of you...I kinda like it."

Within minutes of his proclamation, the insurgent group was "kicked out".

The Special Envoy continued: "This shows the American people several things: one, Baghdad is safe; two, Iraq is improving everyday; and three, Mr. Cheney is in charge...oh, wait, I'm being told that it is Mr. Bush who is in charge, scratch that last one..."

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Mrs. Bush Goes The Way Of The Gay Fish...Again!
WASHINGTON, D.C., May 9, 2007--

In a slightly arousing turn of events, Mrs. Laura Bush publically defended freakin' Rosie O'Donnell's 'right' to be 'gay'. Mrs. Bush was quoted earlier today, saying: "I respect Rosie's urge to make sweet sweet love to her own gender. In fact, I could probably get into that kind of thinking habit."

This raises a great concern for the safety and welfare of our own George W. Bush. When asked about this shocking revelation, he commented: "If Laura wants to express gay rights, that's her problem. All that matters to me is that she keeps doing what tastes right..." Mr. President was cut off for fear of causing a national gay-rights movement.

Homo-spokesman, er woman George Clooney was unavailable for comment.

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Canada Attacks Saudi Arabia With Hot Sex!
SEXINGTON, CANADA, May 8, 2007--

In the latest of a string of agressive moves, Canada has decided to make an enemy of the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia. Without many conventional non-nucular weapons at their disposal, the True North Bong and Free has taken to launching salvos of insanely hot, young, vivacious women to titillate young Saudi students to death. Canada hopes to cripple the education system of the Saudi Kingdom by making them far too horny to think of anything else.

Canadian Opposition Party Sexpot Belinda Stronach commented on the Liberals' official stance on the goverment's bold move. "Usually, I wouldn't support an openly hostile act from Canadian forces, but those girl-stoning oil jockeys have really got my cotton candy pink thin lace panties in a bunch. And most of the time, I don't wear panties."

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Britain's Queen Visits America
WASHINGTON, D.C., May 7, 2007--

After starring in her own movie and sailing on a ship, the Queen will finally be able to do something she has dreamed of doing since when was a little girl: visiting The Greatest President Ever!

Lucky her!

Mrs. Queen came over from Gay Olde England on an airship with 400 assorted hangs-on and family to watch her daughter in law, Camilla race in the Kentucky Derby as well as commemorate the 400th anniversary of the founding of Jamestown, which she called an, "archeological dig." Yeah, right. I got your "archeology" right here, you old bat!

Americans offered the Queen pizza and something called "bukkake pie" (whatever!)

For other things you will need to know when the Queen comes to visit you, click here.

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Nancy Pelosi Takes Troops' Children Away!
THE VERY DEPTHS OF HELL, May 5, 2007--

When Satan chose his wife, he was looking for the worst liberal he could find. And he couldn't have sunk lower than Nancy Pelosi.

The extent of the depravity that she has spewed onto this beautiful land can be found here.

But, the latest law she has forced onto our nation is by far the most heinous.

Pelosi snuck a clause into the law the The Greatest President Ever vetoed that said, in part: "'If The Greatest President Ever vetoes my bill, Satan shall have the troops' children!'"

Pelosi wrote it in fetus tears, which is invisible to the naked eye, and no one was able to read it until after Pelosi sacrificed a goat in the house chambers.

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72% Of Americans Approve of The Job The Greatest President Ever is Not Doing!
A new poll released just after The Greatest President Ever vetoed Nancy Pelosi's latest hurt-the-troops legislation, shows that a clear majority of Americans approve of the job The Greatest President Ever is not doing.

"'This just shows the majority of Americans approve of this President and the work he isn't doing,' Frank Luntz said, interpreting the numbers exclusively for Wikiality.com, 'all the work this President hasn't done this past week is proof Americans will pay whatever it costs to keep the troops in Iraq indefinitely.'"

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Greatest President Ever Gears Up to Stick It to Pelosi Again
CRAWFORD, TEXAS, May 4, 2007--

"Eat It, Pelosi!" This cry, heard from within the Presidential bathroom at the Greatest President Ever's Crawford ranch, gives some indication of his mindset after his patriotic veto of the Iraq funding resolution earlier this week.

According to an unnamed source, vetoing the bill seems to have done wonders for the President's confidence, which was, at long last, beginning to fade. "I mean, come on, sugar," the unnamed top Presidential advisor cattily dished to Wikiality.com. "Even Georgia isn't so dense that she won't catch on to her polling doldrums after seven years! Oh no I din't!! Seriously, don't quote me."

But yes, readers. He did.

At any rate, our source went on to inform us that having vetoed H.R. 1591, the President was feeling much more on top of him self, and was starting to get his game face back on. To prove his rediscovered virility as Commander Guy, The Greatest President has vowed to possibly consider the potential opportunity he might take to loudly criticize, and maybe once again veto, proposed Hate Crimes legislation, should Congress actually have the balls to send it to his desk.

"Why don't you try to Hate THIS?? I'm the decider now, bitches!" our reporter heard the President yelling in his bathroom. "Narnia, please," Wikiality.com's unnamed source snickered, rolling his eyes at our intrepid reporter.

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It's LOYALTY DAY! So eat it, Commies!
Loyalty Day, 2007

A Proclamation by the President of the United States of America

America was founded by patriots who risked their lives to bring freedom to our Nation. Today, our citizens are grateful for our Founding Fathers and confident in the principles that lead us forward. On Loyalty Day, we celebrate the blessings of freedom and remember our responsibility to continue our legacy of liberty.

For the full text, please click here.

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The Greatest President Ever Signs Veto
CRAWFORD, TEXAS, May 1, 2007--

After Nancy Pelosi forced the entire Congress to send The Greatest President Ever a bill he specifically told her not to, The Greatest President Ever vetoed it.

Why didn't you do what you're told, Nancy? The troops are stuck in Iraq now, and it's all your fault!

Sources close to The Greatest President, however, are quite happy with today's decision. Speaking on condition of anonymity, one Presidential advisor told Wikiality.com, "Today was a great day for President Bush. On the four year anniversary of our victory in Iraq, the President affirmed his commitment to stay in Iraq until victory there is assured." ###