Dick Cheney



Deadeye "Hero" "Dick" "Shotgun Blues" "Conspirator" "the Finger" "4th Branch of the U.S. Government" Cheney is the Vice President of the United States, right-hand hatchet man to George W. Bush and thus two steps from Jesus Christ.

A man of few words, he's chock-full of truthiness. He knew in his gut there were weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. In fact, he still does. That's the kind of truthiness the man lugs around in that gut, which partially explains the size of the thing.

Mr. Cheney was also a U.S. Congressman from Wyoming and a secretary of some kind for Nixon and did something for Gerald Ford.

Fame
This enigmatic character had first come into mainstream fame on February 11, 2006 when Mr. Cheney had shot his friend in the face after drinking. The cover story was that they were hunting at the time, however that has been shown to be wrong.

His friend made the mortal mistake of questioning Cheney about a specific facet of the Iraq war. Tim Russert has also made this affront to Cheney and barely escaped with his life. A little known fact about Dick Cheney is that he is a Dark Lord of the Sith, with the power to submit people into passing legislation with his mighty force lightning. His hobbies include playing with his favorite gameboy game, Pokemon, quail hunting, and rightfully shooting traitors in the face. The man suggested that he do something "good for America." Turning America's world into a Liberal-Scum World is not a good thing. It sounds too much like something Nancy Pelosi would do.



Awards

 * [[Image:Colbert20061218CheneyBallsProfile.jpg|right|200px]]First recipient of The Colbert Report's December 18, 2006 Profiles in Balls for his having "the rocks to call it like it is", as Dr. Stephen Colbert put it.

Fractoids

 * What's good for Dick Cheney is good for America.
 * Cheney actually keeps his soul inside of a cursed strongbox surrounded by a chupacabra-filled lake of boiling oil (donated by Halliburton), and that lake is contained deep within Area 51 which is guarded by a clone of the Master Chief and the now-unemployed zombie-skeletons from Army of Darkness.
 * Cheney doesn't blink much. Puts too much strain on the area of his chest where the heart is located in other people.
 * Cheney's daughter Lynn owns a very successful rug cleaning business.
 * Cheney has recused himself from any tie to that Rug Cleaning business and will not talk about it in public.
 * Cheney never cries for anything.
 * Cheney's presence and name spread feelings of warmth and security, even to reporters.
 * Cheney is not to be confused with any sith lord in Episode 2 of Star Wars.
 * Cheney has feelings for his lesbian daughter, and does not know any hookers.
 * Dick Cheney has a physical condition in his leg where his blood will clot. It clears up by spraying holy water on it every few minutes, a solution provided by his preacher, not a "doctor".
 * Cheney is the twin brother of Australian leader John Howard.
 * His fondest pipe dream is driving a bulldozer into the New York Times while drinking crude oil out of Keith Olbermann's skull.

External Sources

 * The Quantum Cheneyverse