Michigan

Founding of Michigan
Michigan was originally part of Canada. But back in 1794, Americans manned up and marched into Michigan, and took it away, driving out all the godless communists, liberals, and bears who had resided there.

Why did they do this? First, because they could. Second, because Florida was already America's Penis, the people of America figured they needed to add a state which looked like a Giant Hand to go along with it.

Real Americans and Yoopers
There are two Michigans. The Lower Peninsula, which is where the Real Americans live, and The Upper Peninsula, where Yoopers live, also known as Yooperland. They also speak a strange dialect of English known as Yooper, drink like maniacs, eat meaty pies known as pasties, and are practically Canadian.

The Attempt by Bears to Control Michigan
Currently, Michigan is under attack from Canadians and bears who want Michigan back. Their leader is Jennifer "Granholm" Mulhern, a Canadian who was elected Governor of Michigan due to the election being rigged by bears. Michigan easily elected Richard Nixon in 1968 and 1972, native son Gerald Ford in 1976, the great Ronald Reagan in 1980 and 1984, and George H. W. Bush in 1988. It is believed that after this point, the bears and Canadians began their takeover of statewide elections. This also explains why a champion of the people like George W. Bush never won an election in Michigan. It also explains why Canada has been using Michigan as its personal dumping ground, sending all its trash to Flint, which has become such a smelly festering pile that even Michael Moore was repulsed.

Michigan's Economy Sucks Because It Is Controlled By Bears
As a result, people are leaving Michigan in droves. Their #1 export is college graduates. Last year, and every year dating back to 1852, it was Hummers.

Michigan's Last Hope
Michigan is home to the Saginaw Spirit hockey team, which is led by Steagle Colbeagle the Eagle, a mascot which has been named after Stephen Colbert. Hockey was invented by Canadians, but they are now forced to EAT IT by the Spirit, the only American team in the Ontario Hockey League, who pummel the godless Canadians for Stephen Colbert's personal glory, with the full support of Jesus, who also happens to be the State Messiah of Michigan.

It is believed that one day, Steagle Colbeagle the Eagle will lead the real Americans in Michigan on a march on the State Capitol in Lansing, where they will destroy Mulhern and send her and all of the rest of the Canadian bears back to Canada where they belong. It is only a matter of time.

Steagle will be assisted in this duty by Ted Nugent, the Motor City Madman, a great American who has killed many bears with his bare hands (no pun intended). Ted, who founded the NRA with Jesus and Charlton Heston, and is a member of the Bear Hunters of America, will be more than qualified for this responsibility.