Barry Goldwater

An ancient titan who stole from the gods the fire of Conservatism and gave it tothe American people. The Eastern Liberal gods who ruled over the land in those times were angry, for with this fire, the people would not need the gods, as they would tink for themselves. In punishment, Barry Goldwater was chained for eternity to a great rock on a mountainside (somewhere SW of Flagstaff) where every day, Bill Moyers and Jack Valenti would swoop in and eat out his liver, leaving him to die in horrible agony.

However, William F. Buckley Jr. and Ronald Reagan secretly took pity on him and healed him every night.