United States Independence Day

United States Independence Day
Independence Day (or as it is sometimes referred to, Ol' Fourthy) is the greatest day in America and the rest of the world. It is celebrated with hot dogs, picnics, and low, low APR financing on all new and used Toyotas.

Origins of Independence Day
On July 4, 1946, George W. Bush was born. At his birth, three kings came to his house in Crawford, Texas with gold, frankinscence (sp?), and mihr (sp?). However, the young Bush turned them away, because everyone knows kings have no place in THE GREATEST COUNTRY EVER!!!!!1 People rejoiced at the news of the brave young soul standing up for democracy. To honor his heroism, they U.S. Congress ruled unanimously to make Bush's birthday a national holiday. But Bush, being the humble, mild person that he is, opted not to have his name in the holiday. Instead, he preferred the holiday to be called "Independence Day," after his mother, Independence. (Now, I know some of the factinistas will say that George W. Bush's mother is Barbara Bush. Now, this is true, only because that Independence, being an abstract thought necessary to the ongoing awesomeness of THW GREATEST COUNTRY EVER!!!!!1, can not be visualized by mortals.  Independence chose to come down to Earth in the form of Barbara Bush, the second hottest woman ever. [The first is Laura Bush.])

There are also unconfirmed reports that July 4th was also the birthdate of Baby Jesus. According to excavations of caves in Israel, Jesus was born on July 4th, but went back into Mary's womb in order to be reborn five months later. This was so that he could fight the evil forces in the War on Christmas.