Constitution of the United States of America



The Constitution of the United States was written at a time in our history when men wore wigs and not the William Shatner kind, these wigs were white and had curls.

The Constitution was supposed to be a bunch of laws everyone was supposed to agree on (like Wikipedia) but someone came up with the 10th Commandment which gave individual states the right to ignore whichever laws they wanted, so that was good.

Our great president, George W. Bush was right (as always) to say that the Constitution is an antiquated document.

The Constitution has four basic parts:
 * the Preamble
 * the Articles
 * the Commandments
 * the Back Side

What follows is the United States Constitution as it was written in 1776.

Preamble
And on the 8th day God created the Constitution.

Our Father Who Art in Heaven I pledge allegiance to the flag Of the United States of America Into the republicans for which it stands One Nation Under God, Indivisible, with Liberty and Justice for All. Amen

Article 1
The government shall be made up of one branch, the Executive, which shall consist of three parts:
 * the Vice President
 * the Congress
 * the Courts

Article 2
A Vice President shall nominate himself to the Office of Vice President, whose name the President shall accept. The Vice President shall be a property-owning Christian man, no younger than 35 years of age at the time of his self-nomination and a citizen born in the United States.

The Vice President shall, from time to time, allow the President to make speeches and open shopping malls. The Vice President shall remain in seclusion for the duration of his term of 8 or so years (depends on how many terrorists want to hurt Americans) except in times of campaigning, fundraising or hunting.

The Vice President shall make the declaration of war, shoot down non-military aircraft and tell any member of Congress to go "fuck himself" and to shoot an elderly gentleman in the face at point-blank range with an musket.

The Vice President shall be the final word on the creation and implementation of new laws. If the Congress sends the Vice President a bill to sign into law that does not meet the Vice President's favor, he shall tell the whole of Congress to go "fuck itself" and ignore the dictates of the bill/law upon signing it.

Article 3
The Congress shall consist of two houses: an Upper house, the "Senate", and a lower house, the "House". Each state shall send 2 Senators to the Congress, for 6 years terms. Each state shall determine how many representatives to send to the Congress to represent the needs of it's territory.

An Congressman shall be of Christian property-owning status and no younger than 25 years of age at the time of his installment. He shall have terms no longer than 16.

The Congress shall convene every few days or so, weather permitting. Posturing and Pontificating at length, the Congress shall read and debate bills sent to them by the Vice President. With an occassional fist fight, or gun battle time allowing Congress shall submit papers for the Vice President's pleasure when a quorum of audience is sufficiently met.

Article 4
The Court shall deliberate on cases brought to them in a timely fashion. Cash will speed things up. The Supreme Court shall be the final arbitter of all cases in the land, receiving unsettled disputes from the state courts, if they cannot decide them for themselves, the lazy asses.

Some cases shall be civil in nature others shall be criminal. But all cases will favor the party in power.

Article 5
The press shall be independent as long as they are not merged with a much larger more powerful competitor. The press shall print news as it comes from the National Office of the Party in Power. Press conferences shall be held daily and questions may be asked. A Secretary shall be appointed to stand before a podium before the press and choose which members of the press shall ask questions.

Article 6
A police force shall be commandeered by the federal Government for the purpose of keeping America safe.

This force shall appear as a military, but with different hats. They shall have authority over all communications, and searches of person and property within their jurisdiction. If a citizen is found to have violated any law for which the officer has determined, the citizen shall be quaranteened until such time as a hearing before the court is set.

All means necessary will be used to determine the guilt or innocence of the detainee, until such time as the detainee confesses or drowns like the witch that she is.

The Court will determine based on the priorities set in this document which cases shall be heard and in what order:
 * Vice Presidential aides, personal friends, business partners.
 * Vice Presidential Party donors.
 * Property-owning Christian men.
 * all others as time allows and weather permits.

Article 7
The Congress shall levy taxes on it's citizens of non-Christian, non-property-owning status. These monies shall be distributed among parties of the Vice President's choosing.

National roads, schools, the federal police force, the Navy and other uses of taxes shall set their own budget as dictated by the Vice President.

If after taxes have been collected from taxable citizens, and further budget needs are required, the Vice President shall declare war, and increase taxes until all budgetary needs are met.

Article 8
Laws are made when the Congress receives a Bill from the Vice President, and Postures and Pontificates upon the assembled papers for no less than three 24-hour news cycles, if no other issues of import monopolize the people's attention.

After such time as the Congress has exhausted all scapegoats, the assembled papers are then returned to the Vice President for a Spectacle of Executive Signature.

If an Congressman has altered the Vice President's original document, the Vice President shall sign the bill as if to make a law, but include explanation of his displeasure and disappointment with said Congress and alteration of His words.

The Court shall approve the Vice President's Bill As Written, with Signature and Signing Statement affixed by the Vice President.

Article 9
Assisting the Vice President in creating laws for the Nation will be lobbyists. Each corporation shall be represented by at least one lobbyist, and as many others as their budget shall allow.

Each lobbyist shall receive an Congressman from the Vice President. Each lobbyist shall hold one consecutive term of no less than 16 years or the term of their individual Congressman.

The lobbyist will then assist his Congressman with monies and language during the Posturing and Ponticifating phase of lawmaking.

Upon retirement a lobbyist shall receive a government office of the Vice President's choosing.

First Commandment
There is a God and God wanted America to be Christian. Whosever hates God and America shall be detained in accordance with Article 6. Amen.

Second Commandment
God said Americans can have guns. Any kind of gun and as many as they want. P.S. rocket launchers are guns, too.

Third Commandment
All citizens of non-Christian, non-property-owning status of the United States must quarter federal police in their homes. These police shall quarter in the residence in person or by mechanical proxy.

Fourth Commandment
All citizens of non-Christian, non-property-owning status of the United States must submit to searches by the federal police force or suffer deportation to the nearest nation of the Vice President's choosing.

Fifth Commandment
No citizens of non-Christian, non-property-owning status of the United States shall refuse the rightful orders of the federal police force without due check processing. If funds are insufficient, the detainee shall submit to questioning until such time as proper answers are given or detainee expires.

Sixth Commandment
No citizens of non-Christian, non-property-owning status of the United States shall expect The Court to rush through the legal proceedings willy-nilly. All cases are seen in due time. Hold your Horses.

Seventh Commandment
All citizens of non-Christian, non-property-owning status of the United States suffering an injury of calculable value shall petition a court for a trial to seek redress. Each trial shall be held before a jury of homeless or retired persons with much time upon their hands. Each side with business before the court shall argue their side and only certain information shall be brought before said jury.

The Court will have decided the case upon receipt of fees.

Eighth Commandment
No citizens of non-Christian, non-property-owning status of the United States shall expect the federal police force to have to choose between keeping America safe or protecting some person's rights. If a citizen has done nothing wrong, than the citizen has nothing to hide nor shall this citizen complain when proper police procedures are performed in the execution of protecting the Nation's well-being. If said citizen is displeased with any occurance, said citizen shall take refuge in France.

Ninth Commandment
No citizens of non-Christian, non-property-owning status of the United States shall have privilege over Christian, property-owning citizens of the United States. Nor shall the non-Christian, non-property-owning enjoy any privilege not enumerated in this document.

Tenth Commandment
Any state admitted in the Union of the United States shall determine exclusive laws within their boundaries, without regard to the laws of another state.

The Back Side
The back side of The Constitution has a treasure map to Lincoln's gold.