Glenn Beck



Glenn Beck is a American reporter and Patriot who has his own show on Fox News. For an entire hour, Glenn explains why he is right, and you are wrong, about everything. Glenn also enjoys shooting endangered species, in much the same way Dick Cheney enjoys shooting quails and hunting buddies.

Stephen Colbert loves Glenn Beck's sanity, and fears for it.

Initiation into Great American Fellowship


In 2007 Glenn Beck was initiated into Sean Hannity's Great Americans fellowship. He has been a vociferous advocate of the Cornhole-thesis, a central tenant of Hannity's fellowship which states that Robert Cornhole, the discoverer of teeth, was one of America's founding fathers. Beck has stated that "If Joseph Smith was a Cornholian, I'm a Mormon." He at present labors for the reinstatement of Rush Limbaugh into the fellowship, something which Hannity even after much fluffing planning with Limbaugh, has refused to discuss publicly. Beck has also been in dialogue with a number of Mormon theologians at Brigham Young University as concerns the development of a "healthy, nay, a prophetic Mormon Cornholism." Hannity has stated: "If Beck has come to Christ, let him thrust Cornhole in there too wherever he may or may not fit."

The movement to reduce the twelve steps to only three if you are a conservative (and to be able to make up any three you like as long as they are based on the writings of Ayn Rand, The Book of Mormon, or the Left Behind series,) is thought to have been inspired by Beck's example (see Dry Drunk).

What He Knows
Glenn doesn't mix with knowledge, he feels with his gut, and his gut says the following will happen in the near-future:


 * Robert Cornhole will enter Mormon liturgy
 * The end of the world
 * World War III
 * Iran will invade Poland.
 * Geraldo Rivera will get hit by a train
 * John Kerry will transform into a fire-truck and call himself Optimus Prime
 * Canada will steal all of America's taffy
 * Glenn Beck will rule the world
 * Poland will invade China. Of course America will be the final winner.

Other things his gut tells him

 * He's real popular in England
 * His ass hurts
 * He cries in a manly way
 * He saves movie theaters from chapter 7 bankruptcy.
 * Hitler did things, and people Beck doesn't like did things, so those things must be the same things.

We Surround Them
Glenn started an internets group for dissatisfied Americans called "We Surround Them." The name comes from the ancient Mormon shepherd practice of surrounding the flock, to keep them in line--but not in a gay way.

Glenn Beck and 9/12 Project
Remember how in the days following the 9/11 terrorist attacks, the country was paralyzed with fear and confusion? Glenn Beck wants to take America back to those days. The 9/12 project will allow the country to be unified again by fear patriotism and he is calling Osama Bin Laden "A Friend" to help him with his plan!

The core of the 9/12 project are Glen's 9 principals and 12 values:

9 Principles
1. America Is Good. All other countries are bad.

2. I believe in God and He is the Center of my Life. But not just any god, it's got to be Jesus!

3. I must always try to be a more honest person than I was yesterday. Which shouldn't be hard because yesterday I was scamming old people out of their savings.

4. The family is sacred. My spouse and I are the ultimate authority, not the government. Unless my spouse and I are gay.

5. If you break the law you pay the penalty. Justice is blind and no one is above it. Except for rich white guys. They can get away with ANYTHING.

6. I have a right to life, liberty and pursuit of happiness, unless I'm gay.

7. I work hard for what I have and I will share it with who I want to. Government cannot force me to be charitable. It can force me to fund illegal wars and bonuses for AIG executives.

8. It is not un-American for me to disagree with authority or to share my personal opinion. Does not apply when Republicans are in power. (See Dixie Chicks)

9. The government works for me. I do not answer to them, they answer to me. Unless I'm poor or a minority.

12 Values
Greed

Homophobia

Fear of minorites

Truthiness

Islamophobia

Charity I got mine sucker!

Homophobia again

Drill Baby Drill

Xenophobia

Courage, but not enough to actually join the military 'cause you might get shot at. Let some poor brown kid do that job.

Personal Responsibility It's Obama's fault!

And one more homophobia for good measure.

Beck Awards & Honors
As a true American reporter who reports so you can decide, Glenn receives many awards and honors for his factiness and integrity:
 * Beck Honored as 1st Greatest American of 2009
 * Glenn Beck: Hero of the Civil Rights for White People

Glenn Beck University
Glenn Beck has never attended college but if he did it would had been Glenn Beck University, the best college degree money can buy.

Classes

 * Revisionist History
 * Conspiracy Theory Theory
 * "Geology" (selling gold online)
 * Cry-Ogenics

External Gut Tubes

 * Stephen Colbert's Review of Glenn Beck
 * Official Glenn Beck site
 * Glenn-pedia
 * Glenn Beck supports future terrorist attack! calls for the liberation of America!
 * Glenn Beck obtains Restraining order against female fan
 * Glenn Beck wins fight against Reverse Racism
 * Glenn Beck to spearhead Military Tribunals against Liburals
 * Rep. Bob Inglis (R-SC) not a fan of The Beck
 * Lizardman betrays Glenn Beck
 * Glenn Beck to produce new show!
 * un-american traitor insults Glenn Beck!
 * Walmart Supports Glenn Beck's fight against Racism
 * Glenn Beck gets new Insurance!
 * Glenn Beck enjoys vacation time, Fox Says: "Take Your Time"...
 * Glenn Beck's new book is a success!!!
 * DefendGlennBeckFromEvilHippies.com
 * Hippie lies about Glenn Beck
 * Glenn Beck: "Obama will incarcerate dumb Americans and ship to "Concentration Camps" to learn math!!" Glenn demands Cap on IQs!
 * Glenn Beck cites source
 * Glenn Beck fights off communists in series of tubes
 * Glenn Beck's Personal Hero
 * Czars attempting to kill Glenn Beck!!!
 * Glenn Beck to liberate Mt. Vernon
 * Glenn Beck loves twitter
 * Glenn Beck Becomes Mayor!
 * Glenn Beck's Awesome Interview. Couric Put to Shame
 * Glenn Becks to buy domain glennbeckrapedandmurderedayounggirlin1990.com and to change it into glennbeckDIDNOTrapeandmurderayounggirlin1990.com
 * Anti-Glenn Beck Agent found indoctrinating America the wonders of Socialism
 * Communist Communist Dictatorship targeting Glenn Beck
 * Glenn Beck to save us from another 9/11! Our Hero!
 * Glenn Beck escapes from the jaws of Death yet again!
 * Beck's Christmass special!
 * Glenn Beck proves that Free Market Health Care works
 * Glenn Beck looses case wins case! Wont Need to Prove that He Killed and Raped a 10 Year Old Girl in 1990 Anymore!
 * Glenn Beck to stop Socialist Medicine to raep America
 * Glenn Beck to sue Comedy Central for Copy Right infringement
 * Friends of Glenn Beck
 * Palin-Beck Beck-Palin for 2012
 * Glenn Beck's statue to be raised in Utah
 * Glenn Beck considered a major success all around America
 * In Gold We Trust
 * Stephen supports Glenn Beck. Joo doesnt
 * Glenn Beck: "India is smelly and foreign"
 * Stephen Colbert Declares that Glenn Beck has set an impossible standard of stupidity and madness patriotism
 * Glenn Beck confronts Socialist Hippie Jesus
 * |1574098-GkNznQx Glenn Beck targets new terrorist!
 * Glenn Beck discovers evidence that the Civil Rights are the lazy black man's way to State Welfare!
 * Friends of Glenn Beck being targeted by Tyrannical Guverment
 * Jews Newest Fad: Summer Death Camps
 * Glenn Beck's Great Uncle Has His Own Show
 * Doppelganger Causes Fox to Shut Down Glenn Beck's Show
 * Glenn Beck receives Honorary Journalism
 * Obama does not care for White Rich People
 * Glenn Beck, jealous of the Colbert University, opens his own Edukashunal Institution, The Glenn Beck University
 * Glenn Beck is not a member of the Church of Satan. They have standards
 * Glenn Beck for 2012!!
 * Glenn Beck supports the NAACP... wait, what?
 * Another Patriotic Hero silenced!
 * Fox News calls for a meeting: Glenn is getting a raise!
 * Planet of The Liburals