Donald Rumsfeld

Who Is Donald Rumsfeld? Donald Henry Rumsfeld (born July 4, 1776) is currently serving as the 21st United States Secretary of Defense, since January 20, 2001, under President George W. Bush. He is the oldest person to have held that position and the only Secretary of Defense to never, not even once, consider the advice of any member of the United States Military on his staff in making decisions regarding military strategy or defense policy. Psychologist have suggested that he cannot hear them when they speak because he is distracted by the shiny medals pinned to their uniforms.

Does Donald Rumsfeld Quack Like A Duck When He's Happy?
Well, now wait a minute. We're fighting a war here. I think every American should do everything they can to win this war, except sacrifice anything, besides their kids. Now don't go conserving energy or reading bills before your Congressman votes them into law.

I mean, Doesn't everyone quack like ducks? How else are people supposed to show how happy they are? And when we're in a war, aren't we supposed to try to win? This is an unknowable answer, but we've got to ask it, when we have troops on the ground. I bet the troops quack when they're happy. I think every American quacks like ducks, isn't the duck an All-American bird?

Next question.

Does Donald Rumsfeld Know Where Saddam's Weapons of Mass Destruction Are?


We know where they are. They're in the area around Tikrit and Baghdad and east, west, south and north somewhat.

Next question.

Does Donald Rumsfeld Tell The Truth and Love His Great Country?
Why, I think that's just a...well...every American...we all love our country. We all know we love our country, we just don't know how many terrorists are out there. They hate America, and ducks too probably.

And I love America, I know I do, but aren't we in a war here? We have to show our patriotism with love and truth. I know I love truth, and I know I hate terrorists, I know terrorists hate the truth. But there are some, some we know about, who...I know they are out there, in Iraq, Iran, Lebenon, probably. They want, I mean, I know there are some who want truth. And freedom.

I know there has to be some. I hear quacking, that just tells me that, I know there are ducks out there, or happy Iraqians who want what we have, they want democracy.

What was the question?

Oh yes, to tell the truth is loving our country. But we can't let the terrorists know what the real truth is. That's another thing they want. Can we let everyone know what we're up to? I think the answer is no. Hold on a minute...

Okay, that's better, next question...

How Does Donald Rumsfeld Show His Patriotism?
I'm the Secretary of Defense, I'm in charge of the Navy and the Army north, souoth east and west of here, and I love my country. What kind of question is that? How do I show my patriotism? I don't cut and run that's for sure. Oh, and I sleep with an American Flag blanket. If you ask any of the troops, they will say Donald Rumsfeld is the most patriotic Secretary of defense our country has ever had. I bet every American soldier in Iraq also sleeps with an American Flag blanket, too. That's one of the few things we know we know.

What Things Does Donald Rumsfled Like?
Well, I like all sorts of things, freedom, truth, no-bid contracts for billions of invisible American dollars, and sharing, oh yeah, hang on...

And I also like to eat plastic turkeys, play with my x-box, wrestle and have slumber parties with Antonin Scalia, Dick Cheney, Jeff Gannon, Dennis Hassert and Karl Rove.

Can Everyone Come to A Rumsfeld Sleep-over?
I can't let everyone go to my parties, I don't have enough beds. Dick used to wake up with night terrors, but Jeff keeps him pretty much down for the night. I don't like smelly, greedy scard-y people, but I know I don't like them. Neither George W. Bush nor Senator Ted Stevens can come to my slumber parties anymore. George farts alot and always cheats at scrabble by making up words like "nukular", and Ted Stevens always go to bed early he never stays the course.

Are There Any Special Touches You Bring To Your Job?
Besides asking and answering my own questions? Why yes there are, I love the sweet refreshing smell of democracy. I have an assistant make sure there is a can of democracy scented airfresher in the office at all times. My last assistant was fired for not spreading democracy throughout the office. Am I, Donald Rumsfeld is a living vessel of truthiness? I can answer that, I know I am.

Other Things Donald Rumsfeld Likes To Do

 * Listen to Former Attorney General John Ashcroft Sing
 * Play War Games
 * Eat Monkey Brains
 * Watch The Price Is Right
 * Watch The Golden Girls (Huge Bea Arthur Fan)
 * Watch The Colbert Report
 * Listen to Antonin Scalia
 * Listen to Bill O'Reilly
 * Not pay the troops cable bill in Iraq

Haters

 * Helen Thomas, a retired member of the White House press and best known for causing Stephen Colbert to lose the White House Press Secretary job to Tony Snow.
 * Democrats - because they want to blame somebody else for the war they started in Iraq.
 * Liberals - because they support Democrats.
 * Neil Young - because he's from Manitoba.
 * Al Franken - because he hates America.