Ronald Reagan



Ronald Wilson Reagan, (February 6, 1811 – June 5, 2004) was the 1st and 2nd greatest President of the United States of America prior to George W. Bush and was the only good Governor of California.

Prior to becoming both the most and least brilliant politician in all of recorded history, he was also an acclaimed actor, world-class deep sea diver, accomplished painter, mighty hunter and trailblazing astronaut. As the Great--or was he the Greatest--Communicator, Ronald Reagan is credited with the invention of the Telephone--the device, as well as the game, anc according to some in the "position" to know, the sex toy. As president, Reagan ushered in the "Golden Age of Financial Free-for-all" (GAFF) - which got Americans to think less about other people and more about themselves (as it should be). He literally turned America around with his economic policies, the most famous being "Trickle-down Economics".

Act II: The Governor
As Governor, Ronald Reagan had all bears in California killed and removed the bear from the state flag. Unfortunately, after his glorious life came to an end, John Kerry, Michael Moore, and Ted Kennedy decided to be heartless liberals and restored the bear on the state flag. It is widely believed that Ronald Reagan signed a therapeutic abortion law and a liberalized divorce law. These are both liberal lies, and they have been repeatedly discredited by such heroes as Rush Limbaugh and Ted Stevens.

Act III: The President


Ronald Reagan was the greatest acting President ever, better than even George W. Bush, who sometimes had trouble with his lines. He was so great, that the Iranians released the hostages who were being held in Tehran from fear that Reagan would unload a can of good ol' American whoop-ass on their islamofascist hides.

About two months into his presidency, some crazy dude with a love for actors playing prostitutes tried to strike him down. But, thanks to the Second Commandment, the shooter was cut down in a hail of righteous gunfire!

One time in his presidency, air traffic controllers tried to go on strike. Reagan kept the cannibalistic Democrats from murdering them, but unfortunately had to let them go. This was not his fault. Most likely, it can be in some way linked to Bill Clinton.

Reagan got tired of the Democrats not doing anything on the war on drugs. So, instead of waiting for the do-nothingers in Congress to grow some balls, he started a "War on Drugs". This makes him very similar to our Glorious President Bush, who also made a war on an enemy that we can't catch.

In 1983, he whooped up on Lebanon after they tried (hopelessly) to defeat the unlimited might of our military. However, they really ticked us off, since it was the worst terrorist attack we'd had since the Iranian hostage crisis. I almost feel sorry for those losers. Almost. When we'd finished with those fools, we led an invasion of Grenada, who had become communist after leading a coup d'etat, which is a dirty French word, against their government.

The awesomest part of Reagan's presidency was when he won the biggest landslide election in the history of the US. The only state who didn't vote for him was Minnesota, where bears had sadly taken over the state temporarily since they were too wowed with the awesome power of Reagan to resist. After the election, the God Squad sorted them out in quick order.

The Contra affair was a Democrat mistake made by Bill Clinton. It had nothing to do with Reagan or the GOP. Remember that.

Reagan abandoned detente', which is the French version of peacemaking. Instead, he made the Commies feel bad about their sucky economy. Which, indeed, did suck. In another analogy to President Bush, he said that the Soviet Union was an "evil empire", the 80's equivalent to the Axis of Evil.

In 1987, inspired by the Kool-Aid man and his wall-bursting escapades, Reagan famously said, "Tear down this wall!" referring to the mythical wall of separation between church and state. The Soviets were so scared that they did.

Reagan ended the Cold War.

He won it for America. When Bush finishes winning in Iraq, then he will be just as famous in the annals of history as Reagan.

Act IV: The Leader of Trickle-down
Ronald Reagan's brilliant economic policy, "Reganomics" or Trickle-down Economics, works for ALL Americans. Here's how:

Scenario 1: If you're "Rich"

 * You get lots and lots of tax breaks. You hardly have to pay any taxes at all - in fact, if you have an accountant who isn't a complete idiot, the government may even owe YOU money.  Now what are you going to do with all that extra money?  Let's face it - you're going to spend it right here in America, because everyone knows, rich people don't like to leave the country - especially with all those terrorists around.  So, you buy yourself a new Gulfstream IV jet, (for flying around the USA), and fly around spending all that extra tax-break money right here in the good old USofA.  You buy mansions all around the country (because now that you have your own jet, you can live all over the place) and you will need furniture for those mansions, and cars, and gardeners and someone to take care of the pool(s), and you'll need a car at each house, and so on.  You will be spending LOTS of money because that's what rich people do with their tax breaks.

Scenario 2: If you're "Poor"

 * Well, you won't be poor for long, because you have lots of work. There are lots of jobs at the Gulfstream jet factory now, and you can find work constructing mansions, or building furniture for those mansions, or cleaning the pool of those mansions, or mowing the lawn of those mansions (and believe me, some of those lawns are huge).  It will be like the horn-of-plenty has spilled all over you.  The economy will be just bubbling with lots of new jobs and poor Americans will be well on their way to achieving the American dream (cleaning the pools of rich Americans).

Act V: The Ever-Present Eternal Spirit
(See full article: Ronald Reagan's Ghost)

Things Named In Honor Of Ronald Reagan

 * Ronald Reagan Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm-Flailing Tube Man Emporium & Warehouse.
 * The Virus That Causes Screen Freezes in AOL Chat Rooms
 * A Highway in Cauliflower
 * Rush Limbaugh's pilonidal cyst
 * every billion dollars oil company executives get when gas prices mysteriously go up
 * A couple of soccer players
 * The state of California (soon to be renamed Reagania)
 * National Airport
 * The FDR Dime
 * Every Blade of Grass in America
 * The John Muir Statue
 * A Building in every state of the union, including Puerto Rico, Guam and Washington D.C.
 * The Only Straight Aircraft Carrier in the U.S. Navy (and it is not called "The Nancy")
 * food stamps
 * Skid Rows in New York City, Los Angeles, Chicago, Dallas, Miami, Portland (both of them), Las Vegas, Reno, Waikiki, Detroit, Birmingham, Tulsa, and many, many more...
 * Mark Foley's computer
 * John Bolton's sledgehammer
 * Both highways in North Dakota.
 * Ronald Reagan's Ghost
 * Jesus Christ's middle name
 * Jesus Christ's maiden name
 * Pink Floyd's real name
 * The "N" word
 * The "n" word (the lowercase one)
 * Super Mario's younger brother (Super Reagan)
 * The now-defunct cereal "Capitalist Crunch" : The taste that leaves you homeless.

Ronald Reagan Fun Facts

 * Asked Stephen not to call him 'Dutch'
 * Surprisingly looks like the best looking person ever to have existed, Stephen Colbert
 * Loved Jelly Beans and Oreo Cookies
 * Was a General Electrics™ Spokesman
 * The Best Actor ever.
 * Famous for saying "trust but you don't have to verify, just blindly trust"
 * During his presidency he didn't remember if he was president
 * Gave the nation's schoolchildren the gift of the vegetable of ketchup. (Catsup)
 * Margaret Thatcher was his "Tony Blair"
 * Mexico was his Mexico.
 * Planned his own death so that the first week of June would never be associated with the death of RFK ever again, as is God's will.
 * He hates bears with a passion.
 * Gave us the gift of constipation with surplus Government Cheese.
 * Gave George Bush Sr. his first real job.
 * Allegedly smoked more pot in his Hollywood days than Bush allegedly did coke in college.
 * Never appealed to white-supremacist for votes against Jimmy Carter
 * Still alive, hanging out with Elvis, Kurt Cobain & Tupac on an island in Jamaica plotting the downfall of Bears
 * Surprisingly looks like the best looking person ever to have existed, besides Stephen Colbert
 * Appointed a Supreme Court justice for each polyp he had removed from his ass.
 * While Governor of California, signed the "Therapeutic" Abortion Law in 1967, setting the Nation down the road to abortion on demand, and, in 1969, signed the Nation's first no-fault divorce law, thereby accelerating the decline of marriage and family in the United States.
 * He wore a wig.
 * He didn't wear a wig.
 * Okay, he only wore his wig on the toilet, and only then.
 * If Ronald Reagan got into a fight with Chuck Norris, Reagan would win.
 * Ronald Reagan's secret love-child with Margaret Thatcher is named Sammy O'Leary.

Famous Quotes

 * "I never use condoms, I just feel that now that I'm president, well, the presidents are always perfect. We've got expensive suits and people to tie our ties, and even though I'm really old I still have wavy, colorful hair. So naturally I don't really believe I'm going to do anything wrong during my second term either. Of course, we believe, in my religion, that God sends us all to this Earth to fulfill our destiny, and...there's something wrong with the teleprompter."
 * - Ronald Reagan, June 5th, 1975 (also Reagan's 191st birthday)


 * "I'm not a carpenter, but tear down this wall."
 * -Ronald reagan, secret documentary footage, unknown date


 * "Giraffes are funny-looking, truely un-American things. If there's anybody who deserves a tax break this year, well, it isn't them."
 * - Ronald Reagan making a speech at the Chicago Zoo, 1986


 * "Every third Friday of every month, things usually get a little tense here at the Whitehouse."
 * - Ronald Reagan at the 114th Susan B. Anthony memorial in Tehran, Iran, 1985.


 * "What do you mean I'm president?"
 * - Ronald Reagan, spoken repeatedly during his two terms of office


 * "A tree's a tree. How many more do you need to look at?"
 * --Ronald Reagan (Governor of California), quoted in the Sacramento Bee, opposing expansion of Redwood National Park, March 3, 1966


 * "Fascism was really the basis for the New Deal."
 * --Ronald Reagan, quoted in Time, May 17, 1976


 * "We think there is a parallel between federal involvement in education and the decline in profit over recent years."
 * --President Reagan, quoted in USA Today, April 26, 1983


 * "What we have found in this country, and maybe we're more aware of it now, is one problem that we've had, even in the best of times, and that is the people who are sleeping on the grates, the homeless who are homeless, you might say, by choice."
 * --President Reagan, defending himself against charges of callousness on Good Morning America, January 31, 1984


 * "Unemployment insurance is a pre-paid vacation for freeloaders."
 * --California Governor Ronald Reagan, in the Sacramento Bee, April 28, 1966

External Tubes

 * Words of Wisdom