Franklin DeHussein Roosevelt



God liked Franklin D. Roosevelt, proving it by allowing him to be born into a wealthy family.

Roosevelt, for his part, liked sex. He liked it a lot. In fact, he continued the great Democratic tradition of having massive amounts of sex. When he met a beautiful distant cousin around the turn of the twentieth century, he had so much sex with her in such a short period of time that her good looks disappeared, leaving her a hopelessly "unattractive woman" and requiring him to marry her and have children.

Just after the unattractive woman finished having children for Roosevelt, she found out that he was having sex with Lucy Mercer. Angry, the unattractive woman refused to ever have sex with Roosevelt again.

This left Roosevelt with the bright smile and buoyant personality that would go on to get him elected POTUS over and over again.

Roosevelt would go on to have sex with Marguerite "Missy" LeHand, his private secretary until his stamina eventually killed her in 1941. Then he started having sex with Lucy again.

In addition to sex, Roosevelt is credited with having ended the Great Depression (a celibate period in American history) and having won the Second World War.

In The Navy
In the Navy, he came to join his fellow man. In other words, he did gay stuff.

Presidencies
Roosevelt served three terms as President, setting the groundwork for the Greatest President Ever to seek a third term (see: John McCain).

The Great Depression
See main article: The Greatest Depression

World War II
See main article: World War II

It is a little known fact that World War II began with an argument between Roosevelt and Adolf Hitler over a bag of Funions (in his one known act of manliness, Roosevelt refused to share). He then allowed the Japanese to bomb Pearl Harbor, presumably to pave the way for the much-anticipated California Krab Roll-flavored Funions. When the deal fell through, however, he entered the war while in a state of hypoglycemic shock.

He spent the next four years threatening our precious firesides with his brand of liberal media. In 1945, however, he had his greatest accomplishment: dying, so a Republican, Harry Truman, could take over and win the war.

See main article: Pearl Harbor

Chicks He's Banged

 * Lucy Mercer
 * Marguerite "Missy" LeHand
 * a bag of laundry