Glenn Beck





Glenn Beck is an American Patriot who has his own show on Fox News after escaping the chains of the Joos of CNN. For an entire hour, Glenn explains why he is right, and you are wrong, about everything. Glenn also enjoys shooting endangered species, in much the same way Dick Cheney enjoys shooting quails and hunting buddies.

Stephen Colbert loves Glenn Beck's sanity, and fears for it.

Life Story
Glenn was born to humble Mormon parents and lived just a few miles (although many years removed) from where Karl Rove grew up.

He attended a local high school and went on to college where he mastered the airwaves with his wit and charm. With his confidence buoyed by this success, Glenn took over Arizona talk radio and eventually the entire United States!

The Year 1990
Glenn did quite a few things during this momentous year, one of which was to rape and kill a young girl.

Obviously, she was asking for it.

THE Christmas Sweater
The Lord Jesus Christ, His Father God and The Holy Spirit went on a quest to deliver gifts to the American savior upon hearing the news of his birth.

And so it came to pass that on the tenth day of February in the year of our Lord Nineteen hundred and sixty four, the Holy Trinity did descent upon Everett, Washington

And the animals did rest peaceably and the sodomites did cease their dancing thus bringing the earth still of their thump-thump-grinding rhythms

And the skies did clear and the birds did roost for the Heavenly trio arrived with a special gift for the Baby Glenn

For it was foretold by the ancients that the seventh son born to the seventh wife of the seventh baker upon the seventh continent shall be in need of fashion

It was this fashion-deficit that God, Jesus and Spirit visited America's Planet to bring balance again to the universe

The Christmas Sweater was this gift

And The Father declared that whosoever wears this garment shall be blessed with the gifts of prophecy and impunity

Lo, a sigh swept across the Land

And the children sang and the heterosexual marriages became secure and the illegals did gnash their teeth

And there was much joy in the world as America's savior could now travel beyond the sacred basement dressed in vestments

And it was good

Initiation into Great American Fellowship


In 2007 Glenn Beck was initiated into Sean Hannity's Great Americans fellowship. He has been a vociferous advocate of the Cornhole-thesis, a central tenant of Hannity's fellowship which states that Robert Cornhole, the discoverer of teeth, was one of America's founding fathers. Beck has stated that "If Joseph Smith was a Cornholian, I'm a Mormon." He at present labors for the reinstatement of Rush Limbaugh into the fellowship, something which Hannity even after much fluffing planning with Limbaugh, has refused to discuss publicly. Beck has also been in dialogue with a number of Mormon theologians at Brigham Young University as concerns the development of a "healthy, nay, a prophetic Mormon Cornholism." Hannity has stated: "If Beck has come to Christ, let him thrust Cornhole in there too wherever he may or may not fit."

The movement to reduce the twelve steps to only three if you are a conservative (and to be able to make up any three you like as long as they are based on the writings of Ayn Rand, The Book of Mormon, or the Left Behind series,) is thought to have been inspired by Beck's example (see Dry Drunk).

What He Knows
Glenn doesn't mix with knowledge, he feels with his gut, and his gut says the following will happen in the near-future:


 * Robert Cornhole will enter Mormon liturgy
 * The end of the world
 * World War III
 * Iran will invade Poland.
 * Geraldo Rivera will get hit by a train
 * John Kerry will transform into a fire-truck and call himself Optimus Prime
 * Canada will steal all of America's taffy
 * Glenn Beck will rule the world
 * Poland will invade China. Of course America will be the final winner.

Other things his gut tells him

 * He's real popular in England
 * His ass hurts
 * He is gay
 * He saves movie theaters from chapter 7 bankruptcy.
 * Hitler did things, and people Beck doesn't like did things, so those things must be the same things.

We Surround Them
Glenn started an internets group for dissatisfied Americans called "We Surround Them." The name comes from the ancient Mormon shepherd practice of surrounding the flock, to keep them in line--but not in a gay way.

Glenn Beck and 9/12 Project
Remember how in the days following the 9/11 terrorist attacks, the country was paralyzed with fear and confusion? Glenn Beck wants to take America back to those days. The 9/12 project will allow the country to be unified again by fear patriotism and he is calling Osama Bin Laden "A Friend" to help him with his plan!

The core of the 9/12 project are Glen's 9 principals and 12 values:

9 Principles
1. America Is Good. All other countries are bad.

2. I believe in God and He is the Center of my Life. But not just any god, it's got to be Jesus!

3. I must always try to be a more honest person than I was yesterday. Which shouldn't be hard because yesterday I was scamming old people out of their savings.

4. The family is sacred. My spouse and I are the ultimate authority, not the government. Unless my spouse and I are gay.

5. If you break the law you pay the penalty. Justice is blind and no one is above it. Except for rich white guys. They can get away with ANYTHING.

6. I have a right to life, liberty and pursuit of happiness, unless I'm gay.

7. I work hard for what I have and I will share it with who I want to. Government cannot force me to be charitable. It can force me to fund illegal wars and bonuses for AIG executives.

8. It is not un-American for me to disagree with authority or to share my personal opinion. Does not apply when Republicans are in power. (See Dixie Chicks)

9. The government works for me. I do not answer to them, they answer to me. Unless I'm poor or a minority.

12 Values
Greed

Homophobia

Fear of minorites

Truthiness

Islamophobia

Charity I got mine sucker!

Homophobia again

Drill Baby Drill

Xenophobia

Courage, but not enough to actually join the military 'cause you might get shot at. Let some poor brown kid do that job.

Personal Responsibility It's Obama's fault!

And one more homophobia for good measure.

The 9/12 Mega Rally:
...wait... was that today? What day is it?... 9/16... oh boy...

Glenn Beck and the 2010 Restoring Martin Luther King, Jr. To the GOP Rally
(And possibly restoring America to its Christian roots rally as well)


 * Blow-by-blow "color" commentary

Beck Awards & Honors


As a true American reporter who reports so you can decide, Glenn receives many awards and honors for his factiness and integrity:
 * Beck Honored as 1st Greatest American of 2009
 * Glenn Beck: Hero of the Civil Rights for White People

Glenn Beck University


Glenn Beck has never attended college but if he did it would had been Glenn Beck University, the best college degree money can buy.

Classes

 * Revisionist History
 * Conspiracy Theory Theory
 * "Geology" (selling gold online)
 * Cry-Ogenics
 * White Civil Rights: I Have a Scheme!
 * Other junerul edjkukashion
 * How Obama used a Time Machine to cause Slavery

You can get extra credit if you transferred from Tool Academy

I Have a Scheme!
Glenn Beck is taking America's Civil Rights back to the righteous path (and the right hands), for far too long the Blacks have hijacked Dr. King's message of white superiority whites equality and rights. For far too long the Blacks had their own rights and privileges, but what about white people? They need rights too!

For far too long good white folks had to endure the oppressive regime.

They have endured the horrors of socialism, socialized medicine, hippie pagan philosophy, reverse racism policies, and some other crap that they can endure no more.

If the good Doctor was still with us, he would stand next to him to congratulate him of taking his movement to the next level.

The liburals are against him, but they cannot stop us, for you see white people wont stop this rally until we overcome their reverse racism!

Restoring The Honor

 * To counter MLK's "Dream,"
 * He came up with a scheme.


 * With lunches of whitebread and Spam,
 * They bought his gold...... and his scam.


 * Glenn was cryin' and wailin'
 * And out comes Sarah Paylin


 * Both want money to fill their coffer,
 * Sarah "offers her honor," Glenn "honors her offer."


 * And all through the night, he was honor and offer.


 * He tried to get honor again, and again,
 * 'Til she screams "Get offer me Glenn!"


 * Glenn Beck's Dream: "I have a scheme....... I HAVE A SCHEME!


 * Thank God Almighty, I have a money-making scheme!"


 * By a Glenn Beck's Fan

Glenn X
Now that Glenn Beck has taken the mantleship of Civil Rights from the blacks, he needs a black name Civil Righty name, so henceforth he is Glenn X!

Glenn MiLK
Many are calling the rally a success, according with sources there more white men on this rally than any other rally in history, and many of them were squeeing with glee when they heard that there would be some Tea Bagging!

Man, people do love small government and no taxes!

9/11 Speech!
Glenn's speech was so great that we are having an encore in 9/11!!

According with sources, attending numbers are souring into the billions! Fox News suggests that the event has broken many records! Is a miracle!

The hippies tried to sabotage the event with their Weather Machine but nothing can beat photoshop!

A Day in Glenn Beck's Life:
GLENN BECK gets up at 6:00am to prepare his morning coffee. He fills his pot full of good clean drinking water because some liberal fought for minimum water quality standards.

He takes his daily medication with his first swallow of coffee. His medications are safe to take because some liberal fought to insure their safety and work as advertised.

All but $10.00 of his medications are paid for by his employers medical plan because some liberal UNION workers fought their employers for paid medical insurance, now GLENN BECK gets it too. He prepares his morning breakfast, bacon and eggs this day. GLENN BECK's bacon is safe to eat because some liberal fought for laws to regulate the meat packing industry.

GLENN BECK takes his morning shower reaching for his shampoo; His bottle is properly labeled with every ingredient and the amount of its contents because some liberal fought for his right to know what he was putting on his body and how much it contained. GLENN BECK dresses, walks outside and takes a deep breath. The air he breathes is clean because some tree-hugging liberal fought for laws to stop industries from polluting our air.

He walks to the subway station for his government subsidized ride to work; it saves him considerable money in parking and transportation fees. You see, some liberal fought for affordable public transportation, which gives everyone the opportunity to be a contributor.

GLENN BECK begins his work day; he has a good job with excellent pay, medicals benefits, retirement, paid holidays and vacation because some liberal UNION members FOUGHT AND DIED for these working standards. GLENN BECK's employer pays these standards because GLENN BECK's employer doesn't want his employees to call "the union".

If GLENN BECK is hurt on the job or becomes unemployed he'll get a worker compensation or unemployment check because some liberal didn't think he should lose his home because of his temporary misfortune.

It's noon time, GLENN BECK needs to make a Bank Deposit so he can pay some bills. GLENN BECK's deposit is federally insured by the FSLIC and FDIC because some liberal wanted to protect GLENN BECK's money from unscrupulous bankers who ruined the banking system before the 1929 economic depression.

GLENN BECK has to pay his Fannie Mae underwritten Mortgage and his below market federal student loan because some stupid liberal decided that GLENN BECK and the government would be better off if he was educated and earned more money over his lifetime.

GLENN BECK is home from work, he plans to visit his father this evening at his farm home in the country. He gets in his car for the drive to dad's; his car is among the safest in the world because some liberal fought for car safety standards.

He arrives at his boyhood home. He was the third generation to live in the house financed by Farmers Home Administration because bankers didn't want to make rural loans. The house didn't have electric until some big government liberal stuck his nose where it didn't belong and demanded rural electrification. (Those rural Republicans would still be sitting in the dark).

He is happy to see his dad who is now retired. His dad lives on Social Security and his UNION pension because some liberal made sure he could take care of himself so GLENN BECK wouldn't have to. After his visit with dad he gets back in his car for the ride home.

He turns on a radio talk show, the host keeps saying that liberals are bad and conservatives are good (He doesn't tell GLENN BECK that his beloved Republicans have fought against every protection and benefit GLENN BECK enjoys throughout his day).

GLENN BECK agrees, "We don't need those big government liberals!" And he is right!

~-~-~-~

Good thing we have the Republican Party and the Tea Party to protect us against big government and the liburals! Who needs an under-budget FDA and their shrinking meat inspectors when the Free Market can dictate to meat producers what kind of Mad Cow beef and other poisonous meat products can be sold at cheaper prices to feed our hungry nation that is good for business!

Glenn Beck knows your pain, for he knows of the silly unconstitutional yet unenforceable EPA regulations that are oppressing the Water & Utility workers from the urge to freely pee in our drinking water supply because of the unconstitutional rules that they must follow that is hurting America's bladder!

The anti-capitalist minimum wage laws that guarantees commies from making at least $7 an hour hurts our poor CEOs forcing them to buy caviar with government provided foodstamps, Glenn Beck cries for the elimination of the socialist law so that we can employ twice the workforce for half the price!

We must follow Glenn Beck's example and protect the drug companies and Big Pharma that want us all to have three arms for half a price, so that way we can instead have four arms at bigger discounts, and while we are it let us abolish the Welfare Queens' lawsuits and establish those pro-business laws supported by our Capitalist lobbyist friends so we can continue to provide The Best Health Care money can buy to America!

Glenn Beck then says, set free our capitalist bankers that collapsed the economic system and let us party like is 1929 for the rich have all of our money and being wealthy is not a crime in America!

Update:
Good news! Glenn Beck supports a free market public service, starting with firefighters!

External Gut Tubes

 * Stephen Colbert's Review of Glenn Beck
 * Official Glenn Beck site
 * John Stewart loves Glenn Beck's book?!
 * Wikip*dia tube on Glenn
 * Glenn-pedia
 * Glenn Beck supports future terrorist attack! calls for the liberation of America!
 * Glenn Beck obtains Restraining order against female fan
 * Glenn Beck wins fight against Reverse Racism
 * Glenn Beck to spearhead Military Tribunals against Liburals
 * Rep. Bob Inglis (R-SC) not a fan of The Beck
 * Lizardman betrays Glenn Beck
 * Glenn Beck to produce new show!
 * un-american traitor insults Glenn Beck!
 * Walmart Supports Glenn Beck's fight against Racism
 * Glenn Beck gets new Insurance!
 * Glenn Beck enjoys vacation time, Fox Says: "Take Your Time"...
 * Glenn Beck's new book is a success!!!
 * DefendGlennBeckFromEvilHippies.com
 * Hippie lies about Glenn Beck
 * Glenn Beck: "Obama will incarcerate dumb Americans and ship to "Concentration Camps" to learn math!!" Glenn demands Cap on IQs!
 * Glenn Beck cites source
 * Glenn Beck fights off communists in series of tubes
 * Glenn Beck's Personal Hero
 * Czars attempting to kill Glenn Beck!!!
 * Glenn Beck to liberate Mt. Vernon
 * Glenn Beck loves twitter
 * Glenn Beck Becomes Mayor!
 * Glenn Beck's Awesome Interview. Couric Put to Shame
 * Glenn Becks to buy domain glennbeckrapedandmurderedayounggirlin1990.com and to change it into glennbeckDIDNOTrapeandmurderayounggirlin1990.com
 * Anti-Glenn Beck Agent found indoctrinating America the wonders of Socialism
 * Communist Communist Dictatorship targeting Glenn Beck
 * Glenn Beck to save us from another 9/11! Our Hero!
 * Glenn Beck escapes from the jaws of Death yet again!
 * Beck's Christmass special!
 * Glenn Beck proves that Free Market Health Care works
 * Glenn Beck looses case wins case! Wont Need to Prove that He Killed and Raped a 10 Year Old Girl in 1990 Anymore!
 * Glenn Beck to stop Socialist Medicine to raep America
 * Glenn Beck to sue Comedy Central for Copy Right infringement
 * Friends of Glenn Beck
 * Palin-Beck Beck-Palin for 2012
 * Glenn Beck's statue to be raised in Utah
 * Glenn Beck considered a major success all around America
 * In Gold We Trust
 * Stephen supports Glenn Beck. Joo doesnt
 * Glenn Beck: "India is smelly and foreign"
 * Stephen Colbert Declares that Glenn Beck has set an impossible standard of stupidity and madness patriotism
 * Glenn Beck confronts Socialist Hippie Jesus
 * |1574098-GkNznQx Glenn Beck targets new terrorist!
 * Glenn Beck discovers evidence that the Civil Rights are the lazy black man's way to State Welfare!
 * Friends of Glenn Beck being targeted by Tyrannical Guverment
 * Jews Newest Fad: Summer Death Camps
 * Glenn Beck's Great Uncle Has His Own Show
 * Doppelganger Causes Fox to Shut Down Glenn Beck's Show
 * Glenn Beck receives Honorary Journalism
 * Obama does not care for White Rich People
 * Glenn Beck, jealous of the Colbert University, opens his own Edukashunal Institution, The Glenn Beck University
 * Glenn Beck is not a member of the Church of Satan. They have standards
 * Glenn Beck for 2012!!
 * Glenn Beck supports the NAACP... wait, what?
 * Another Patriotic Hero silenced!
 * Fox News calls for a meeting: Glenn is getting a raise!
 * Planet of The Liburals
 * MLK was white AND Glenn Beck's long lost twin brother!
 * How Glenn Beck is like MLK!
 * Glenn Beck's #1 fan cries at rally
 * Glenn Beck acknowledges that racist mooslim tyrant may not be mooslim, Obama still hates whitey
 * Glenn Beck's freedom rally giving away free t-shirts
 * Patriotic Rally free of "undesirables", great victory
 * Gospel of Glenn Beck to be added to the Bible
 * Mr Beck meets the ghost of MLK
 * Glenn Beck: Keeping the dream alive for Black People
 * White People supports New White Civil Right Leadership
 * God's latest message to Glenn Beck
 * Glenn Beck to do 9/11 speech for free: Only wants cab fare fee... gasoline fee, security fee, hotel fee, travel fee, speaking fee, meal fees, and plane ticket fee to be reimbursed
 * Fox News: We love Glenn Beck (?)
 * Glenn Beck: The Man, The Myth, The Legend: More than a Tear
 * The Real Glenn Beck