Moustache

Moustaches are one of the most powerful sources of political power known to man. From the earliest forms of Democracy by the Greeks, who mistook the power for their large and rather messy beards. Fortunately, by the 20th century, this was rectified, and the beard became less and less popular. Over the span of the past hundred years, many historical figures have attempted to harness the power of the moustache for their own personal glory.

Hitler
Hitler was the first person to bring the moustache into its natural form. Originally used to cover a large mole, Hitler used it as an excuse to invade Russia, when Stalin made a public statement on the silliness of the Fuhrer's soup-strainer.

Hitler used his moustache to bring people to his cause, unifying Germany and conquering most of the world (the part that matters, anyways). This particular moustache was very important in history because it was the reason Hitler tried to conquer the Jews. The Jewish tradition states that you cannot grow a moustache in the form Hitler had, because it was a sign of homosexuality. Because Hitler had not come out of the closet at that time, he vowed revenge by eliminating the Jewish race. In his defense, Hitler was very sorry that things had gotten so out of control.

The only reason Hitler died was in the dead of night, Stephen Colbert snuck into his bunker and shaved off the infamous moustache. So ashamed of his exposed upper lip, that he immediatly decided to end his life.

Jack Layton


Leader of Canada's New Democratic Party, Jack Layton is a communist to a degree almost unheard of by man. His rise to power was only accomplished because of the charismatic power of his well-groomed moustache. Layton's moustache is the most powerful Canadian moustache, and it is rumoured the New Democratic Party will flourish under his reign solely because of its irresistible charm. This is the only valid reason, because the New Democratic Party are a bunch of bear-loving nuts who didn't want to help in the War on Terror. Dr. Colbert, although he hasn't publicly spoken about the uprising of Layton's moustache, is worried that American plans to amalgamate the two countries will be marred by it.

Geraldo Rivera


Geraldo Rivera is the modern world's first example of the liberty moustache. It was originally grown as a shield from stray bullets, but soon became a staple in American mythology. The moustache itself is large enough to hold him down during Katrina from the biting winds, and sharp enough on the ends to pierce Iraq's tanks.

Another part of the popular myth surrounding this particular moustache is that it is an extension of Geraldo's brain. Sometimes the moustache takes over his regular heroic train of thought and replaces it with dirty communist myths. For example, when Geraldo made fun of Dr. Colbert on Bill O'Reilly's O'Reilly Factor, he recieved a thorough examination, and it was concluded the moustache was the cause of this lapse of moral judgement.

Stephen Colbert


Stephen Colbert has the single greatest moustache known to man. It is so great, that it cannot even be seen through mortal eyes. The moustache is responsible for turning Dr. Colbert from a left-wing hippie on the sometimes "news" show the Daily Show to the commanding position he holds today. It is among the greatest of all American accomplishments, an George W. Bush is thinking of naming a bridge after it.