The New York Times

The New York Times blames America first and supports the terrorists. It's like a bizarro version of the New York Post. Perhaps the greatest threat that this country faces, aside from bears, it is an East Coast liberal, Ivy-league-educated newspaper that is the primary daily source of "news" for both freedom-haters and freedom-fearers. Also known as "The Washington Post", the paper releases noxious fumes when burned that sting the nostrils; it is believed they are from the residue of Maureen Dowd's hair dye. Should I even think about reading the New York Times for the news? No, according to Stephen Colbert the Times is full of lies (and "facts"). As he so succinctly put it: "The NY Times wants you and your family dead."

Staff
The Times is staffed solely with Factonistas that turn their nose at truthiness. Their "reporting" is always biased against our Greatest President and there is never any gut-checking when writing about any subject. Unlike Fox News, the people working there are not in touch with their feelings. They are not it-getters. We need to help them find out what "feels" right, and to ignore what their precious "facts" tell them to believe.

Sections
The are 3 sections in the New York Times


 * Facts section - Running hundreds of pages, this section can be useful as fuel for book-burnings.


 * The Sports section - totally devoid of words like "Slay", "Axe", "Destroy", and "Demolish", and tends to talk more about the player's feelings.


 * They don't even have a Sunday Comics section. Bastards. Instead that space is devoted to an endless array of useless crossword puzzles. The only good thing about these puzzles is that they enable the use of truthiness and, according to Stephen Colbert, are the only part of the New York Times not written by Bolsheviks.

What's a 15-letter word for shit? The New York Times! (also accepted: excrementitious)

Factoids

 * The slogan of the New York Times is All The News That Is Fit To Print, which is a bunch of shit. Their slogan is more like We Will Print Whatever We Want And Not Print The Shit That Makes Liberals Look Bad.
 * It's black and white and read all over by terrorists looking for information on how to attack the United States.
 * The New York Times and several other papers are among the forefront on the factonistas insurgency.
 * Offers bears safe sanctuary within its buildings.
 * Wants you and your family dead.

Truthoids

 * Founded by Benedict Arnold in 1776 to spread British propaganda
 * Claims to own the font "Times New Roman"
 * Makes good fish wrap and/or bird cage lining
 * Paul Krugman column is ghost-written by Fidel Castro
 * The New York Times wants you and your family dead

External Sources

 * New York Times
 * Wikipedia's front for the New York Times