Malcolm/Featured



Malcolm is the name given to the black man's version of Zorro. The Malcolm provides comfort and wealth to little black children living all across America and fights for such fantastic concepts as freedom, liberty, and justice. Because the Malcolm is always black, Kanye West believes that George Bush must not care about him. But he does, Kanye...he does care.

The Myth of Malcolm
While driving a motorboat through the flooded streets of Venice New Orleans, a black man named Chaniqua saw a hand reaching up from the water and clutching a silver sabre. Concerned and surprised, because the hand was white and not black, Chaniqua deftly piloted his craft towards the hand. He heard a voice in his head urging him to take the sabre, but because he was schizophrenic, he did not believe the voice and pulled the entire disembodied arm up from the water. After vomiting several times, he finally took the sabre and became the first Malcolm, known after his passing of the fine weapon on to his successor, Deiondre, as Malcolm I.

Responsibilities of Malcolm
The Malcolm must fight for civil rights, whether with words, signs, firearms, nucular weapons, or sabre. The sabre is the only singular option on the list. However he does it, the Malcolm must fight for civil rights. It helps to be convincing, also; a Malcolm listened to be no one is hardly a Malcolm at all. A Malcolm can be either good or evil, but whichever he is, he is required by long-standing tradition to fight for civil rights.

Oh, and the Malcolm must also be a black man. Sorry, white dudes. Sorry, ladies. (He can, however, be gay.)

How The Title Is Bestowed
The first Malcolm, as told before, assumed the title after pulling a sabre and the attached arm out of the water. This tradition was preserved thusly: the Malcolm would take an apprentice and teach that apprentice his ways, and when he was old and/or dying, he would sever his own arm, bleach it white, clench the dead fingers of its hand around the hilt of the legendary sabre in rigor mortis, and rig up a contraption to make it stick up out of the water in some place where the apprentice would find it. Popular locations in the past have been fishing holes, park ponds, desert oases, and fish bowls.

Malcolms Throughout History
Here follows a list of historical Malcolms:

1. Malcolm I (Chaniqua)
 * Began the line of Malcolms after receiving a mystical sabre from the waters of the flooded Big Easy.
 * Fought for civil rights.
 * Invented a technique for replicating the situation through which he had become Malcolm to pass the title on to the next generation.

2. Malcolm II (Deiondre)
 * Found the legendary sabre of Malcolm in his tub while taking a bath and vomited exactly two more times than his predecessor had, breaking the record for Most Vomits Emitted Upon Becoming Malcolm.
 * Fought for civil rights.
 * Went hunting bears with Charlton Heston.
 * Was mortally wounded during a protest rally against some war and died four seconds after getting out of sight once he had set up the arm and sabre of Malcolm inheritance.

3. Malcolm III (Roshaun)
 * Found the arm and sabre of Malcolm II in his toilet while taking a dump and shattered the previous record for Most Vomits Emitted Upon Becoming Malcolm by five. Fortunately, he was in the right place at the right time to break such a record. He then vomited several more times upon finding the badly maimed body of his former master in the cupboard under his bathroom sink.
 * Fought for civil rights.
 * Attempted to assassinate Michael Moore in the name of justice but was intercepted by a crack squad of North Korean Terrorists and had to fight them off. A dramatized version of this story is planned for the North Korean feature film Kim Jong III.
 * Died of old age, but not before leaving his trusty arm and arm (clever, huh?) behind for his own apprentice to find.

4. Malcolm IV (Duwyne)
 * Assumed his title after reeling in the severed arm of Malcolm III, sabre gripped in its rotting hand, and vomiting seven times more than the man who once possessed the arm now in his boat had when he became the Malcolm, thus setting a new record for Most Vomits Emitted Upon Becoming Malcolm.
 * Fought for civil rights.
 * Played basketball.
 * Dueled to the death against the anarchist V. The fight was a stalemate.
 * Gave a rousing speech before the assembled members of NAMBLA fifteen minutes before cutting off his arm to carry out the ancient ritual and an hour before bleeding to death, since his doctor's diagnosis of him as having yellow fever had been incorrect; he really just had a common cold and basically died for nothing.

5. Malcolm V (Tavarius)
 * Spotted the item of his inheritance being nibbled on by his pet guppies and broke the old record for Most Vomits Emitted Upon Becoming Malcolm by eleven. The guppies did not survive.
 * Fought for civil rights.
 * Was mistaken for a Roman emperor by Hannibal and had his right arm torn off for him. Before the rest of him was eaten, he managed to set everything up for his young disciple.

6. Malcolm VI (Hannibal)
 * Unfortunately, being African and therefore black, was eligible for the position of Malcolm and got to the bloodied, bleached arm of his dinner (the previous Malcolm), as it rested sticking up from a puddle of melted ice on the kitchen floor, and the sabre grasped in its hand before his apprentice could. The record for Most Vomits Emitted Upon Becoming Malcolm was broken by fifteen after he did this, because Malcolm V had given him indigestion.
 * Fought for civil rights, bizarrely enough.
 * Was killed in a gunfight less than an hour after becoming Malcolm by the former apprentice of Malcolm V, who was armed with an AK-47 while Malcolm VI just had that sabre and his slavering jaws within his arsenal. He managed to sever and bleach his sword arm, leaving the sabre's hilt enclosed firmly within its fist, in the five minutes after being clinically dead that his muscles retained movement.

7. Malcolm VII (Schipio)
 * Seized the previous Malcolm's arm and sabre up out of a desert oases in California and vomited twenty more times than the previous record-holder for Most Vomits Emitted Upon Becoming Malcolm (incidentally, the very man whom he had slain and taken the arm and sabre of to become Malcolm himself).
 * Fought for civil rights.
 * Was probably a homosexual.
 * Firmly believed in the existence of Africa, not that anybody would listen.
 * Was elected Governor of California, the continent/state in which he had found the sabre of Malcolm.
 * Died when Arnold Schwarzenegger, machine guns a-blazing, replaced him in gubernational office; mortally wounded, he carried out his duties as the outgoing Malcolm despite the 1,225 bullet holes that riddled his body.

8. Malcolm VIII (Tavon)
 * Found his dead master's arm and sabre in a local San Francisco park and drowned several children playing nearby in the process of breaking the old record for Most Vomits Emitted Upon Becoming Malcolm by a margin of twenty-four.
 * Fought for civil rights.
 * Killed John Wayne Gacy, Jr. and inspired Sufjan Stevens to write a song about him.
 * Perfected the "M for Malcolm" symbol.
 * Was too crippled by arthritis to remove his own arm and had to have it sawed off by Dr. Gregory House, but was able to handle the rest of the work before House tortured him to death.

9. Malcolm IX (Zeshawn) 10. Malcolm X (Al-Hajj Malik El-Shabazz)
 * Reenacted the scene of Malcolm IV's assumption of the title of Malcolm, but also caught a delicious bass in the process and meticulously avoided getting a single drop of vomit on it while smashing the record of Most Vomits Emitted Upon Becoming Malcolm by thirty-seven.
 * Fought for civil rights.
 * Partnered up with Tek Jansen to emancipate the alien slaves of planet Ishtar 9 (which, interestingly enough, shared his number in the Malcolm lineage).
 * Drowned while SCUBA diving, making it awfully convenient for him to pass on his title to his famous apprentice.
 * Found the arm and sabre of Malcolm IX washed up in a tide pool while praying to Allah on the beach and threw his lunch back out to sea as he passed the record for Most Vomits Emitted Upon Becoming Malcolm by ninety and then had his throat replaced after that went out too.
 * Fought for civil rights.
 * Became the National Spokesman of the Nation of Islam.
 * Was probably an Islamofascist and terrorist captain.
 * Renounced drug dealing as the Malcolm, so at least he set one good example for the kiddies.
 * Killed more than thirty people who weren't "practice partners" during his time as Malcolm X and had fourteen kills to his name before then.
 * Had a favored baseball team: the Black Panthers.
 * Was assassinated and died so quickly that he didn't have time to pass down the sabre to a future Malcolm, leaving his apprentice Tavawnduh empty-handed.

The Malcolm Series
A series of ten films, Malcolm I through Malcolm X, were produced to chronicle the life and times of each man who had borne the title of Malcolm. Each was critically acclaimed, but the media and audiences were especially enthralled with Malcolm X, the culmination of the series.



Modern-Day Malcolms
Because Malcolm X didn't have the balls to stick it out for long enough to commit the ritual of passing the sabre, there aren't any. He was the last one. Perhaps someday some defender of black culture will decide that it was a stupid tradition anyway and take up arms and microphones as the eleventh Malcolm.

Stephen Colbert expressed interest in becoming the newest Malcolm prior to being told that he was white. His former black friend Alan has not made any attempt to take up Dr. Colbert's dream himself, which may be another reason why he is no longer Dr. Colbert's black friend.