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Wikiality.com is dedicated to bringing news to the internets tubes. We like our news fresh and truthy, which is why we have introduced this page dedicated to bringing the most fresh and truthy news to all the tubes of the internets!

'''See Also:
 * Daily Poll Write A Caption Bear Watchers Abomination Watch'''

Breaking News Archive

Ben Affleck Leads Protest For Homosexual Canadian Students
Hollywood fruitcake, Ben Affleck organizes protests in support of jailed faggots

NOVA SCOTIA, CANADA, September 21, 2007--

Students Hurt Feelings of Halliburton Recruiter
In an ominous sign of things to come, University of Wisconsin students injure an innocent representative of an all-American corporation

After The Honorable Professor Dr. Stephen T. Colbert, DFA pointed out their rampant impotence and passivity in a recent episode of his award-winning news program, "The Colbert Report", American students across the nation were inspired to participate in their own lives. The campus of the University of Wisconsin-Madison took Dr. Colbert's words to heart, but shamefully misdirected them.

Witnesses say hundreds of students were picking on the Halliburton recruiter who showed up for their career job fair . Some students called the unnamed recruiter names, while others called her mother names. In a written statement, Halliburton wanted to make clear that the recruiter's mother was in no way overweight or unattractive.

The assault took place after the recruiter curled up into the fetal position and started crying. Campus police (trained by Blackwater) appeared to disperse the orderly lines of students at the recruitment tables until one of them stood up and insisted he be allowed to walk out of the arena on his own.

A scuffle began, and guns were drawn. The auditorium where the incident has taken place has been cordoned off by police who promised to allow the press inside to interview people when everybody has time to calm down.

"'We will be suing Colbert and all his followers for any harm done to any Halliburton employee on the campus or in this time zone,' Melissa Norcross, a spokesmodel for Halliburton screamed at Wikiality.com in a private internets, she continued, 'Halliburton is protected by any number of new Executive Orders and anyone who harms America's Corporation™ should be sent to prison.'"

When more information becomes available, Wikiality.com will bring it to you.

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John Kerry Tasers Student During Townhall Meeting


Former Democrat President Candidate, John Kerry was arrested in Las Vegas for tasering a student who allegedly had medals Kerry claimed were his

LAS VEGAS, NEVADA, September 17, 2007--Witnesses were shocked at the condition of the former Senator and wanna-be Greatest President (not!)

"'At first I thought it was Tom Hanks doing a scene from that island movie with the volleyball,' an unnamed college-aged person of unknown gender told Wikiality.com late Monday, 'then I thought he was Al Gore cause he was so fat.'"

The man the confused pre-soldier was referring to was Taxachusetts beauty queen, John Kerry, who came to Las Vegas to participate in a townhall meeting of sorts, but instead wound up arrested and jailed for assault with a mostly deadly weapon.

Kerry's spokesman, who wished to remain anonymous, leaked to the press that Mr. Kerry intended to answer the student's question. But became enraged after the student pulled what appeared to be two Purple Hearts from his pocket and taunted Mr. Kerry with them saying, "They're mine now, loser!"

Mr. Kerry was then seen chasing the student around the hall as the other people politely watched as if watching a play.

Once he caught up with the innocent student, Mr. Kerry pulled a taser out of his inside jacket pocket and shocked the student while shouting, "gimme back all my shit you stole from me motherf*cker!"

Mr. Kerry allegedly purchased several of the prestigious medals during the Vietnam War only to later throw them at Richard Nixon as he was hard at work at the White House.

"It was a perfectly legitimate photo-op at the time," Kerry's spokesman explained, "the medals were still Mr. Kerry's. How this student got the merchandise is not clear, and Mr. Kerry had every right to retrieve his property by any means necessary."

A preliminary investigation conducted by Las Vegas police has shown that Mr. Kerry is a whiny liberal, most likely gay and too much of a pussy to have ever earned combat medals, therefore the medals the student may or may not have had were certainly never the property of Mr. Kerry's.

In addition to the assault with a mostly deadly weapon, Mr. Kerry is charged with boring a an entire roomful of people to sleep and wearing breast tassels without a license, which in Las Vegas is a misdemeanor.

As Mr. Kerry was dragged away by the police, the remaining students gave the performance a standing ovation, but remained seated waiting for a second act.

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Hooligans Stage Run On English Bank
Not as well known as their soccer counterparts, bank hooligans are at it again.

STARVING-UPON-DOORSTEP, ENGLAND, September 15, 2007--English bobbies (what they call the homosexual police brigade in England) have reported gangs of roving bank hooligans "making a run" on Northern Rock branches throughout the country.

Witnesses say the hooligans have withdrawn 4-5% of Northern Rock's assets, the majority of which are unavailable due to being tied up in housing loans.

"'It's a good thing most of our cash is dedicated to so many loans,' an unnamed bank official told Wikiality.com, 'otherwise those damn hooligans might have caused a panic!'"

Authorities at the Bank of England have stepped in to stem the crisis. Northern Rock has 18.9% of new lending in the U.K. which may account for their slow internets service. Officials, however, are skeptical saying the slow tubes may possibly be caused by the bank hooligans deliberately clogging the tubes preventing many legitimate customers from accessing their account information.

The Invisible Hand of The Market was unavailable for a direct comment, but sources close to The Hand say he is frightened by bank hooligans and took some of his toys and went home to hide under the covers.

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###

Stephen's Jew Friend To Host Hollywood Orgy Awards Again
Hollywood's annual self-congratulatory snooze-fest will once again be hosted by a Jew

HOLLYWOOD, CAULIFLOWER, September 12, 2007--Waiting just one day after Patriots' Day, the filthy, filthy liberals of Hollywood have chosen Stephen's Jew Friend to host the Oscar awards, February 2008.

Colin Powell Sets New 100m Dash Record


ROME, Georgia, September 9, 2007--Colin Powell, the former U.S. Secretary of State and a black man, ran extraordinarily fast at the GPP Grand Prix on Sunday to break the men's world record for speed and time in the 100-meter dash.

The previous record had been held by Helen Thomas, having been set at 8.75 seconds in the People's Republic of San Francisco at a Soviet Union- and Hezbollah-sponsored event in May 1982, back before Thomas began ingesting an ungodly amount of bruschetta chips for every meal.

Powell ran fast enough to obliterate Thomas's record with a time of 7.79 seconds. Even more impressively, he recited the Preamble to the United States Constitution as he sprinted.

After crossing the finish line, Powell promptly collapsed and had to be rushed to Walter Reed Army Medical Center for IV treatment. He is currently listed in stable condition, although the terror alert level remains orange, or "high risk of terrorist attacks," according to the Department of Homeland Security.

Powell was available for comments after being awoken from a catatonic state, kind of like in that one Robin Williams movie that was even less funny than the other Robin Williams movies, and had this to say about his track triumph.

"It feels great," the former Bush Administration figure said, "aside from the kidney failure and lung hemorrhage. I just ran like I had [Vice President] Dick Cheney and [former French President] Jacques Chirac behind me, and I was amazed at how fast that thought propelled me ... like a cruise missile into a Baghdad apartment complex."

The United Nations did not return our calls, having apparently engrossed itself in the business of deciding whether or not to place sanctions on some country in Africa that may or may not be made up as punishment for a genocide that allegedly may or may not have taken place there and was possibly or possibly not sponsored by that country's government. However, it seems safe to assume that they still want to kick the crap out of Powell.

They'll just have to catch him first.

The Greatest President Ever Reviews Surge First Hand
To confirm that his latest policy is following in the successes of his previous policies, The Greatest President Ever visits our troops in Iraq

THANK YOU AMERICA SHOPPING PAVILION, BAGHDAD, IRAQ, September 8, 2007--Chants of "Dubya Akbar! Dubya Akbar!" rose up from the orderly throng as The Greatest President Ever exited Air Force One waving to the appreciative and unarmed Iraqis who surrounded the plane, throwing flowers and candies with both intact and uninjured arms.

"'He promised us he would return,' Muqtada al Sadr shouted above his fellow jubilant countrymen, 'and here he is, just like he said! Iraq loves you, Mister Boosh!'"

Wikiality.com's Middle Eastern correspondent was on hand to witness the 2-hours it took Mr. Bush to leave the Halliburton International Airport, in the heart of downtown Baghdad.

Mr. Bush's trip had been on the books for at least a year. Few advisers questioned his wisdom in sending the itinerary to the New York Times for publishing, as he did, nor did anyone question his decision to go with the minimum security contingent. An unnamed source with the secret service told Wikiality.com that they were convinced the surge was working and would not undermine the Commander in Chief.

Once he was able to make it out of the airport and into the heart of the city, The Greatest President Ever insisted on doing some shopping. At first the merchants refused to take his money, finally allowing him to buy a large assortment of gifts for everyone in his family and staff.

The items Mr. Bush purchased were:
 * a Najaf snowglobe for Laura
 * a traditional black sharif turban for his father
 * a seven-veils dress for his mother, Barbara
 * a minaret-shaped personal massager for Condi
 * two souvenier spoons from Crawford, Texas' sister city, Ramadi (one each for the twins)
 * and an original copy of "The Rubaiyat of Omar Khayyam" (in the original Persian) for himself

The majority of Mr. Bush's trip was spent in the marketplace shopping and talking with the common Iraqi. As the day drew to a close, his staff had to pull him away from his adoring fans in Iraq so that he could visit the troops who were just as eager to thank him for his democracy-bringing strategy.

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God Takes Away The Moon In Reaction To Gonzales' Retirement
The night will be a little darker today as God dims the Heavens in homage to His favorite Attorney General

WACO, TEXAS, August 27, 2007--Our Father, who art in Heaven has decreed that the night sky shall be darkened to commemorate the retirement of Alberto Gonzales as America's Greatest Attorney General Ever!

During a surprise press conference, The Almighty God informed His Children that He would be staging a lunar ecplise to mark the retirement of Alberto Gonzales.

"'Al Gonzales is a man of integrity, decency and principle,' began Our Heavenly Father, 'After months of unfair treatment that has created a harmful distraction at the Justice Department, Judge Gonzales decided to resign his position. It's sad that his good name was dragged through the mud for political reasons. And for this reason, I shall make the moon disappear at midnight and darken the Earth in the blackest night.'"

After The Father rode away on a pterodactyl, a host of Angels finished the press conference with a request that everyone bask in His fury tonight between 4:51 a.m. and 7:22 a.m. EDT (1:51-4:22 a.m. PDT).

Dress is casual (but not pagan casual) no sacrifices are welcome, but a love offering made out to the Alberto Gonzales Legal Fund will be accepted.

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Anniversary of the Destruction of Trent Lott's Home
This week marks the second anniversary of the devastation to the home of one great American

PASCAGOULA, MISSISSIPPI, August 26, 2007--The oceans are calm and the wind gently blows Southern hospitality in from the gulf like the sweet kisses of magnolia on a warm summer day. Engines of commerce roar to life, filling the sky with the haze of a bustling economy. What doesn't float effortlessly among the clouds mingles in the waters below forming rainbows of prosperity that lap against its shoreline. Children play happily in the sand and racial purity having forgotten the terror of just two scant years ago, when this naval town's favorite son suffered a tragedy beyond imagination.

IT CAME WITHOUT WARNING On August 26, 2005 the innocuous pair swept through Florida, just narrowly blocking the home of election crusader Katherine Harris from the sun. They casually moved toward the west like a braless congresswoman during a television interview, showing not a hint of the troubles to come.

The National Hurricane Center (NHC) struggled to track the pair of clouds that made up the storm as it moved on toward Texas. Within hours, the NHC soon became overwhelmed by calls from people claiming to work for the governor of a place called "Louisiana" and at the office of the mayor of a fictional town called "New Orleans". According to NHC records at the time, Texas was miles away and it seemed no Real American was in danger, if the so-called "system" were to escalate. But they couldn't be more wrong, the most important national landmark in the Mississippi gulf region: Trent Lott's Home would be covered in a shadow of terror!

However, if it wasn't for the courage of one man, NHC forecaster Buck Abramoff, America would never have been able to protect Trent Lott's Home if it were to bear the brunt of a major hurricane. Nor they feared, would they be able to restore it to its antebellum luster, or provide any assistance to the plantationful of seasonal residents who were there at the time, if any survived.

By early in the morning of the 27th, it was clear the storm was getting bigger and something was sure to happen to Trent Lott's Home.

THE AL QAEDA OF STORMS By early in the morning of the 27th, it was clear the storm was getting bigger and Trent Lott's 156-year-old treasure was in imminent danger. Mississippi governor, Haley Barbour was forced to use his direct hotline to the president who was conducting the business of the people, but dropped everything to take the call.

Transcripts reveal The Greatest President Ever's leadership-like actions as Barbour cried like a girl.


 * THE GREATEST PRESIDENT EVER: Stop crying Barbarella, I've got the Coast Guard on high alert, and when it's safe they'll be following the storm in with relief supplies and personnel to begin rescue operations once those precarious levees spill over. But, don't you worry, we've got more than enough supplies to help out the entire area, just hold your horses, we've been planning this for years..."

(the full story about Trent Lott's house)

Texas Planning 400th Execution!


America's most American state is ready to pull away from the pack!

CRAWFORD, TEXAS, August 21, 2007--If everything goes as planned, America's ballsiest state will set an American record for executions sometime today!

Congratulations, Texas!

Naturally, the cowards in nonAmerica are complaining.

"'There is no evidence,' Cheese-Eater McSurrender Monkey, from the European Union cried to the press, 'to suggest that the use of the death penalty serves as a deterrent against violent cri..."

Ha! This is America jack! And you can't tell us how to run our businesses! Do we tell you how to surrender!? How to pee yourselves? How to satisfy your women!?!

No

(You tell 'em Ted) So, if you're not gonna help us kill these people, get the hell out of our way and don't rain on our parade!

See Also: Texas Execution Party

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Update
Texas Governor, Rick Perry, not one to hide from the responsibilities of his office fired his entire staff just so he could release a statement, instead of hiding behind a spokesman. Mr. Perry told reporters that, " he wasn't sorry for the execution. I am looking forward to our next one."

Just before leaving for an after party, Perry shouted, "Don't mess with Texas!"

Texas is s-o-o lucky!

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