Immigration to the United States

Immigration is the permanent movement of people from a lesser nation to The Greatest Nation On Earth. Believe it or not, not everyone currently living in the United States was born here. Even stranger, the truth is that this has been the norm for most, if not all, of America's 550-year existence.

Immigration to America started shortly after World War 0. Every decade from there on came with a hoard of new immigrants. In America, it is the natural order that each wave of new immigrants be met with hatred and prejudice. However, America is known as the "melting pot", and these feelings do not last long. The new immigrants shall be tolerated only after a new invasion of foreigners start to pour over the borders, and then, the process repeats itself.

Why People Immigrate
People move to a different country for various reasons. Excuses such as potato famine, love of building rail-tracks, unpaid servitude, state-regulated prostitution and horse herpes are all common, but most excuses can be branched into the following categories:

War
The honor and chivalry associated with war has always led people away from their pacifistic nations, and to the United States. Even today, Americans are flowing over the Mexican border to join the United States Army to fight in the War On Terror. These heroic Americans (although, not technically) leave their families and loved ones in Mexico, to fight for Uncle Sam. In 100 years, when the War On Terror is finally won, these true patriots will gladly return to Mexico to share their tales of glory.

Greed
The prospect of making an easy buck has always led people to America, especially the Jew. Before the Jews arrived in America, there were no banks. Now there are over 3 banks per Jew in the United States.

Without the discovery of gold, some parts of the United States would be uninhabited. States such as Nevada, Canada, and the bear-filled land of Alaska would not have a living soul in them today without this precious metal. For once gold is discovered in a remote and desolate place that people have no reason living in, it seems to draw people from far away places like a female in heat. One such example of this is the California Gold Rush in 1849.

Present Country Sucks
But mostly people move because the place they are living now is an absolute hell hole compared to the United States. The afflicted are often living in places where there is nothing but sand and no water, or filled with bears. They wish nothing more to escape their misery by coming to America. It is rumored that people even come to America from the imaginary continent of Africa. The gut has trouble figuring this out. For if something imaginary sucks, to fix it, all one has to do is imagine it to be a much better. For example, they could imagine up a peaceful country like Iraq.

History Of United States Immigration
Throughout history, people from countries such as Uruguay, (or any other country in America's Planet) have wanted to come to America. Inversely, no one has ever wanted to move out of America to a country such as Uruguay. With all 8 billion people on the earth wanting to get into the USA, America must either:
 * 1) Conquer every nation so that it is America everywhere (plausible), or
 * 2) Deny the entrance to most some.

Irish Invasion
The 1820's brought widespread immigration of the Irish to the New American region of the United States to help dig canals.. In New York City, groups of Irish even created gangs. These gangs were beneficial to both the Irish, and society, because one could definitely not dig a canal alone.

The Gold Rush
Like Stephen in his quest for lost Nazi gold, prospectors from around the world were caught up in "gold fever". These prospectors were called "49ers". Some of the most successful 49ers were Pennsylvanian Joe Montana, and Mississippian Jerry Rice. Those stricken with gold fever include immigrants as far away as Argentina (Where the hell is that?!?!?). Nearby cities such as San Francisco melted gold and shaped into idols, which these Godless sodomites still worship to this day.

Yet More Irish....and Germans Too!
The 1860's brought even more Irish to America. The Irish were so poor (and drunk) that they were forced to travel over the Atlantic in vessels called "coffin ships". Probably because so many died from liver failure on the way over.

Equally drunk, the Germans also traversed the Atlantic to emigrate to America. They however, were able to afford better ships to sail across with due to cashing in their stashes of hidden Nazi Gold. Unfortunately, the Germans also brought with them Lutheranism. Lutheranism is a cult which Dr. Colbert once put On Notice. After World War II, it is surprising why the Germans themselves are not permanently On Notice.

Ellis Island
By 1910, people from all over the world were pouring into the United States. Heck, even Canadians were immigrating to find out what America was all aboot, eh? A place had to be created where new immigrants could be processed, given papers, deloused, and taught American before they would be allowed in the country. The place ideal for this kind of operation was Ellis Island.

Another problem with this mass wave of immigrants was finding a place to live. Uninhabited states such as North and South Dakota were settled by the Swedes, for they were used to the tundra-like climate. Even the Danes from Danemark were happy with taking Utah for themselves.

Évian Conference
The Évian Conference was a meeting arranged by the crippled, socialist President, Franklin D. Roosevelt between the United States and France (how coincidental?). The purpose of this conference was to figure out why so many Jews were fleeing from Germany, and what to do with them. There were so many Jews coming to the United States, but not enough banking jobs existed to accommodate them all.

After talking to Adolf Hitler, Germany's decider, he was likewise dumbfounded by how so many Jews could escape from Germany. Hitler promised the United States that not only would he "take care" of these Jews, but any other Jewish problem for us as well. Relieved, FDR no longer allowed European Jews to immigrate to America.

Operation Wetback
The properly named Operation Wetback was an attempt to cure the country of illegal immigrants in the 1950's. Like George W. Bush, President (and war hero) Eisenhower had the balls to agressively seek out "Mexican-looking" people, and check their IDs. Sadly, unlike today, Eisenhower actually deported them to the deepest depths of Mexico to which they could never return.

Those Who Have Emigrated
As you have seen, many different types of people have immigrated to America. Each looking and smelling a little different from the others, unless of course you too, like Stephen, suffer from Race Blindness. In that case you all people look the same, except for Mexicans. Below we will briefly describe each of unique peoples who immigrated, along with anything (if anything) they brought to make America better.

Africans
Since racism has ended, history no longer remember how exacty black people came to America. Nor does it remember why racism existed. But before you try looking this information up in a liberal book, remember, it is better for everyone that we try not to think or talk about it again.

Special Contribution to America: Lando Calrissian, basketball, Kool-Aid, and

Irish
The Irish are best known in America for always being drunk. Although they have their weaknesses, they like Dr. Colbert more than make up for it by being both Real Americans, and members of the One True Church. The Irish are like Johnny Appleseed, except they dig ditches and canals, instead of planting trees.

Special Contribution to America: Lucky Charms, Stephen, Erie Canal

Chinese
The next time you ride on a train (hopefully you never will), remember all the Chinamen it took to build the track (at least several billion) you are probably luckily riding on. The Chinese, historically are excellent wall builders. It is no doubt that this skill will be called again for when America build's its own wall to stop the Mongolian invaders from the south.

Special Contribution to America: Math, Railroads, Chinese Restaurant Syndrome

Germans
German immigrants came to the United States hoping to escape their Polish neighbors in Europe. The collective German thought was to settle in the Midwest, where there is plentiful amounts of water and arable farmland. Considering both these resources are foreign to Poland, chances are, they would finally be able escape the Poles. However, considering that Chicago contains the greatest number of Polacks outside of Warsaw, would indicate otherwise.

Special Contribution to America: Rocketry, beer, Time Travel theories, World War I, and World War II.

Norwegians
As mentioned above, Norwegians settled in states such as Minnesota, South Dakota, and North Dakota. If you were to ask some of those on the nerd patrol, they would tell you that the Vikings discovered America instead of Christopher Columbus. The last I checked, the 2nd Monday in October isn't "Leif Erikson Day". Norwegians are really tall (see Paul Bunyon), and love hockey.

Special Contribution to America: Death Metal, the Aryan race, and Yodelling.

Jews
Jews showed up soon after a currency was established in America. For some unknown reason, Jews have always really wanted to get into the United States, as if people in their native countries had something against them. Jews are currently waging a War on Christmas.

Special Contribution to America: Banking, Capitalism, John Stewart, and scapegoatery.

Mexicans
If there is one thing wrong with America, it would be that it is too close to Mexico. Proximity to Mexico has always been a thorn in the side of America. From the creatation of time, immigrants (mosly illegal) have been pouring over America's southern border. Mexican armies have even tried to invade America during the American-Mexican War. These days, a more subtle invasion is taking place.

Special Contribution to America: Labor, Speedy Gonzales, Taco Bell

Illegal Immigrants Discovered In America
Real Americans became aware of illegal immigration in the United States between the dates of March 7 and May 1, 2006. On and between these two dates, millions of illegal aliens made their presence felt through a series of marches involving both violent protesting, and rioting.

While rioting and violent protests are a part of American history, these illegal aliens had the audacity to do so while carring Mexican flags. Without this key indicator, Americans would have had no idea that these people were all illegal aliens. Instead, they would have thought that they were another hippie group trying to legalize pot.

Crimes Committed By Illegal Aliens

 * Juan Perez, 27, illegally parked his car on the odd numbered side overnight. Perez was arrested and is facing extradition to his native Guatemala where he faces charges for jaywalking.
 * Rosa Munoz, 75, was arrested for both, removing the tags from her mattress, and conspiracy to remove tags from her pillow. Due to her old age, she was spared prison time.

Amnesty
Even when you consider the illegality of living in the US without citizenship, along with the crimes (as seen above) they commit while here, some groups would still like to not only let them stay, but also reward them for breaking the law. This crazy concept is called "amnesty".

Like many other Ridiculous Theories and Notions, amnesty was roosted in the nest of bird-brained liberals, and