Tedward Kennedy

Senator Edward Murfreesboro "The Swimmer" Kennedy, D.A.T.T. (which stands for Drunk All The Time) is a United States Senator from Taxachusetts, the gayest state in America.

Teddy was technically never born. His parents, Zanzibar and Winifred M. Kennedy (the patriarch and matriarch of the acursed Kennedy Family) found him on their doorstep after Teddy had been beamed down from an alien spaceship from Bearpiter, a far away planet inhabited by star-eating alien bears who can take on human form. Already with 25 sons and daughters, including little JFK Sr. and RFK Sr., Zanzibar and Winifred figured there was always room for one more and immediately adopted Teddy.

However, unbenownst to the inhabitants of Bearpiter, breathing the rich, freedom loving air of America causes them to undergo some sort of metamorphisized chain reaction which attempts to disrupt their ability to take on human form. The only way to combat this effect is to continuously consume alcohol, which Teddy has been doing since he was a wee Bearpiter-ite.



Unfortunately, this propensity for consuming adult liquids has caused Ted, and any others who are partially of the Bearpiter race (in particular, his son, Congressman Patrick M. Kennedy, D.A.T.T., who is half-Bearpiter) extremely poor automobile operators and poor decision makers.

This not only lead to the famous Chappaquiddick incident, which earned Kennedy the endearing nickname "The Swimmer," the poor-decision-making has also caused Ted to be 100% wrong on every political issue in the history of mankind. However, this may a good thing for him as a Bearpiter-ite, since it places him on the side of communists, liberals, and bears, which was the original intent of the Supreme Ruler of the Bearpiter Interstellar Alliance, who sent Teddy to Earth in the hope that he would become our planet's ruler, and would unite all Earth-born bears in the hope that it would then ally with the Bearpiter Interstellar Alliance in its quest to rule all of the galaxy, and then, the Universe.

Unfortunately for the Bearpiter Interstellar Alliance (and fortunately for all of us who love freedom), they did not anticipate that the rich, freedom loving air of America would have the effect it has on Bearpiter-ites, nor did they anticipate the mass quantity of alcohol required to prevent it. As a result, Ted Kennedy is unable to become the ruler of Earth, and the Supreme Ruler of the Bearpiter Interstellar Alliance has called off any plans to change the course of human events on Earth and will keep away from the Earth's Solar System as the interstellar forces of Bearpiter continue to roam the galaxy, conquering everything in its path and eating whatever stars they encounter.

Fortunately for Ted Kennedy, his allies, the indigenous bears of Earth have found him a comfortable job as a United States Senator in Taxachusetts, where he is supplied with all the alcohol he needs. He is considered to be deceased while technically still alive, since he has been dead inside since roughly the late 1970s.

As for all the 25 human brothers and sisters in Teddy's adopted family, they were all shot in the melon. But that doesn't have anything to do with Teddy.