The Holy Inquisition


 * Did you want: Inquisition, The Wørd on the July 13, 2006 edition of "The Colbert Report"?

The Holy Inquisition was a very successful institution created by the Holy Roman Catholic Church for the purpose of suppressing widespread heresy common in Europe and the United States during the 13th-20th Centuries.

The people responsible for seeking out and convicting heretics fell to a number of Holy Inquisitor. Inquisitors were very sleuthy individuals. Think of them as a defenders of Medieval truthiness. They could smell the communion with the Devil from hundreds of miles away. An inquisitor's gut was so knowing, that they never convicted an innocent person never knowingly convicted an innocent person.

The Accused
Often it was both, those who easily gave in to their lustful and sexual desires, and the easily corruptible, who became agents of Satan. Because the Inquisitors started looking for these traits alone, heretics started taking many different forms to evade God's wrath. Some of them are described in better detail below.



Witches And Warewolves
The workings of witches and warewolves in the Inquisition era were the main cause for disease, sickness in animals, bad luck, sudden death, impotence, and liberalism. Because of their awesome powers (often a gift from fornicating with Satan (or a Lutheran)), witches and warewolves had to be taken with the utmost caution.

Scientists
This group of heretics was less obvious, but Scientists were just as virulent in the decaying of a soul as the others. They came up with a number of Ridiculous Theories and Notions, that challenged the universe as we think God would want us know it. Poisonous thoughts such as "the Earth rotates around the Sun", "The Earth is round", and "poor sanitation causes sickness" were all conceived by scientists.

Jews
Jews are by nature heretical, for they deny the existence of Jesus. All Christians wanted to do was "complete" their Jewish neighbors by bringing them to faith in Jesus Christ. Unfortunately for many Jews, the Devil's grasp was too tight, and these Jews remained unrepentant and unconverted.

The Inquisition Trial
Because Satan empowered heretics with extra cleverness and resistance to pain, drastic measures were then taken by the Inquisitors to acquire a confession. For it seemed that no heretic would freely admit to being one.

Trial Procedure
The Trial for the accused was usually just a formality. Because Inquisitors had such a track record for those they accused ending up being convicted, many felt that a trial was unnecessary. But just incase in a very slim chance (President Obama slim) the accused was actually innocent, it was made sure that those who really were guilty confessed to their crimes before the sentencing.

The judging was done through a tribunal, and the accused was issued a defense attorney who's job was to get the accused to confess. A wise defense strategy indeed.

Enhanced Interrogation

 * See main article: Enhanced interrogation

As you would imagine of someone under the spell of the Satan, getting a confession from them so the sentencing could take place was not an easy task. It was up to the Inquisitioners to beat get a confession out of them.

Certainly, an innocent person should be able to withstand the inquisitor's interrogation. It seemed to the untrained eye that all of the accused seemed to overly profess their innocence, even the heretics. Enhanced Interrogation techniques were needed to get this confession.

Some of the Enhanced Interrogation techniques used by the Inquisition are still in use today. Waterboarding is currently used on terrorists by the United States, so you know it both, must work, and that Jesus approves of it.

After the confession, neighbors and friends who knew the accused their whole lives, often were shocked by the wretchedful crimes the accused fessed up to under interrogation. The power of the Devil was so strong that, often, no one else but the interrogators seemed to witness the heresy.

Punishment
The trial concluded when the accused confessed to their heretical actions. Most of the time the accused were convinced to confess, whether by their defense attorney, or through enhanced interrogation. If the accused did not confess to their heretical acts, and found guilty, they would be burned at the stake alive. If the accused confessed to their crimes, they would be simply strangled to death (using a garrote or noose) and then the body would be incinerated. If they were innocent, then the inquisitors would not have accused them in the first place. As mentioned above, the standard punishment for a heretic is burning at the stake, but other judgements could be handed down. Witches could be tied to sailing ships for years at a time (witches float, so this only helped the boat). Death could be inflicted on the heretic by forcing the accused to listen to a Lutheran Sermon.

"Historical" Revisionism
Some of the liberal historical revisionazis (see below) might wrongly call the Enhanced Interegation that the Inquisitors employed, "torture". However, to torture someone you must use methods and devices that injure and most notably, draw blood. Even the stanchest critic of the Inquisition would agree that all the Enhanced Interrogation techniques used, drew no blood whatsoever!

Notable Heretics

 * Galileo
 * Joan of Arc
 * Nostradamus