Chuck Norris

CHUCK NORRIS IS DEAD! CHINA KILLED HIM. NOOOOOOOOOOOO!

 * For Chuck's accomplishments, click here.
 * For information about Chuck's Roundhouse kick, click here
 * Click here for Chuck's Superpowers.

Chuck Norris (born. Dawn of Time - died. Whenever Chuck Norris feels like going) represents everything that ever was, will be, or can be the American Way.

Toughest Man EVER (except Stephen)
Chuck Norris is the strongest, most lethal man on the planet, except for Stephen Colbert and possibly Gerald Ford And maybe Jack Bauer. He is a Ninja Cowboy.

Chuck Norris can never reproduce with a human female. His sperm have been known to roundhouse kick their way out of a three inch titanium vault. Only Wonder Woman and She-Hulk could carry his children to term. However, neither could survive labor.

A roundhouse kick to the face from Chuck Norris can change time, if it hits a clock...

Background
Chuck Norris wasn’t born, he roundhouse kicked his way out of the womb and proceeded to kill everyone in the room with his bare baby hands, all save his mother. Chuck Norris’s childhood was spent single handedly winning World War One.

He came into manhood in the 1930’s. The Great Depression was actually started by men all over the world realizing their inadequacies compared to Chuck Norris and becoming depressed, and all of the ugly women in the world realizing they couldn’t sleep with him and becoming depressed. After personally killing all the Nazis and he teamed up with Stephen Colbert to fight the Japanese, the resulting chaos was known as the atomic bomb which ended World War Two, he spent his next few decades fighting ninjas. Chuck Norris did not partake in the Vietnam War for if he did, all of the Vietnamese would be dead.

There is no such thing as evolution, only a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live. Chuck Norris despises square architechture. He once kicked all the corners off his home, giving his signiture move its name. Chuck Norris CAN divide by zero. Chuck Norris eats 12 times a day, but only uses the bathroom once a year. Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.

Nobody is for sure when or exactly where, but a long time ago in a galaxy far far away, Chuck, his sidekick Jimmy Trivette, and a Dodge made the Kessel Round in 2.5 parsecs. Thus effectively beating the record previously held by the Millenium Falcon. Chuck Norris was also the first known Jedi and was the father of Yoda, Yoda used to be the size of three Wookies until he mouthed off and Chuck Norris was forced to roundhouse kick him into the small green creature he now is. Wookies grow their hair that way in tribute to Norris.

Chuck Norris ceased being a Jedi when he met the Force personally, noted its lack of chest hair, and round house kicked it. This created the Dark Side, as all bad ass Sith actually attempt to channel Chuck Norris to gain great power.

Later in life, Superman challenged Chuck Norris to an arm wrestling contest. Superman no longer has an arm.

The Chuck Norris Bridge
Chuck Norris built a bridge (named after himself) that allowed Bears to invade the small country of Hungary. Stephen Colbert personally bombed the bridge, wiping out twelve divisions of godless killing machines. The Colbert Nation built a new bridge, named after Stephen Colbert, which connects Hungary to America, allowing them to enjoy freedom, liberty, and the gerrymandering of Congressional Districts. To show their gratitude, Hungary now supplies Stephen with all his ballpoint pens. In 1950 Chuck Norris went to Holland and had sex with 54 nuns; when the children grew up they became the '72 dolphins

Recent Achievements

 * Chuck Norris invented the internet. When a group of computer geeks said it was their invention, Chuck went to destroy their hometown. What he found was weapons of mass destruction, which he used to destroy the land of the geeks. He named it "Iraq", because he forgot how to spell "I rock".


 * Chuck Norris did not allow Y2K to happen, because it was causing people to temporarily forget about the greatest movie ever, "The Octagon".


 * Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris.

People thought to be able to kick Norris' ass.

 * Jack Bauer
 * Jackie Chan (Promoter of party led Labor Unions in China)
 * Jesus
 * Yoda
 * Bruce Lee
 * Walker Texas Ranger
 * Stephen's mom
 * Those guys from co-op mode in Splinter Cell
 * Jerry Springer's lawyer

People known to be able to kick Chuck Norris's Ass

 * Dr. Stephen T. Colbert, D.F.A.
 * Christie Brinkley
 * Aaronak
 * MC Esteban™
 * thisniss
 * WatchTVEatDonutDrinkBeer
 * Careax