Chuck Norris

Headline text


Chuck Norris Repersents Everything that ever was, will be, or can be the American Way.

Toughest Man EVER
Chuck Norris is the strongest, most lethal man on the planet, except for Stephen Colbert and possibly Gerald Ford And maybe Jack Bauer. He is a Ninja Cowboy.

Chuck Norris can never reproduce with a human female. His sperm have been known to roundhouse kick their way out of a three inch titanium vault. Only Wonder Woman and She-Hulk could carry his children to term. However, neither could survive labor.

Background
Chuck Norris wasn’t born, he roundhouse kicked his way out of the womb and proceeded to kill everyone in the room with his bare baby hands, all save his mother. Chuck Norris’s childhood was spent single handily winning World War One.

He came into manhood in the 1930’s. The Great Depression was actually started by men all over the world realizing their inadequacies compared to Chuck Norris and becoming depressed, and all of the ugly women in the world realizing they couldn’t sleep with him and becoming depressed. After personally killing all the Nazi’s and throwing the atomic bomb at Japan to end World War Two, he spent the next few decades fighting ninjas. Chuck Norris did not partake in the Vietnam War; if so all of the Vietnamese would be dead.

There is no such thing as evolution, only a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live. Chuck Norris despises square architechture. He once kicked all the corners off his home, giving his signiture move its name. Chuck Norris CAN divide by zero. Chuck Norris eats 12 times a day, but only uses the bathroom once a year. Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.

Nobody is for sure when or exactly where, but a long time ago in a galaxy far far away, Chuck, his sidekick Jimmy Trivette, and a Dodge made the Kessel Round in 2.5 parsecs. Thus effectively beating the record previously held by the Millineum Falcon. Chuck Norris was also the first known Jedi and was the father of Yoda, Yoda used to be the size of three Wookies until he mouthed off and Chuck Norris was forced to roundhouse kick him into the small green creature he now is. Wookies grow their hair that way in tribute to Norris.

Chuck Norris ceased being a Jedi when he met the Force personally, noted its lack of chest hair, and round house kicked it. This created the Dark Side, as all bad ass Sith actually attempt to channel Chuck Norris to gain great power.

A little known fact, Chuck Norris was actually the first Stand-Up Comedian until he was heckled by an audiance member and killed the heckler with one joke. He no longer does comedy because nobody could match his humor.

Every time you hear the limerick "There once was a man from Nantucket..." they are referring to Chuck Norris.

The Biblical story of Samson is actually about Chuck Norris. Except that his hair could not be cut because nothing on earth is strong enough to cut it. And when he realized the woman was trying to destroy him, he roundhouse kicked her into space...with his penis.

Later in life, Superman challenged Chuck Norris to an arm wrestling contest. Superman no longer has an arm.

Chuck Norris built the equator to get a leg up on China's "Great Wall."

Chuck Norris can speak braille.

Chuck Norris currently resides in a floating volcano, complete with a giant starecase and bald eagles fyling around it.

The Chuck Norris Bridge
Chuck Norris built a bridge (named after himself) that allowed Bears to invade the small country of Hungary. Stephen Colbert personally bombed the bridge, wiping out twelve divisions of goddless killing machines. The Colbert Nation built a new bridge, named after Stephen Colbert, which connects Hungary to America, allowing them to enjoy freedom, liberty, and the gerrymandering of Congressional Districts. To show their gratitude, Hungary now supplies Stephen with all his ballpoint pens.

Recent Achievements

 * Chuck Norris invented the internet. When a group of computer geeks said it was their invention, Chuck went to destroy their hometown. What he found was weapons of mass destruction, which he used to destroy the land of the geeks. He named it "Iraq", because he forgot how to spell "I rock".


 * Chuck Norris did not allow Y2K to happen, because it was causing people to temporarily forget about the greatest movie ever, "The Octagon".


 * Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris.

Roundhouse Kick Hall of Fame

 * No one has EVER survived a roundhouse kick from Chuck Norris. Any time such an act has been seen on television or movies, it is actually a result of Chuck Norris seperating the victim's soul from their body with his kick and then creating a new soul in a split second.


 * Anyone who claims to have survived a Norris roundhouse kick will instantly attract Norris to their person, causing him to then kill them.


 * Chuck Norris once died because he delivered a Roundhouse kick to a rod of Plutonium but once he reached Heaven, he realized he was God. Feeling his work was not yet done on Earth (after all, Christina Aguilera still lived) he crafted a new body, twice as bad ass as his previous one.


 * There are no such things as aliens. Chuck Norris single-handedly killed them all because he was, "sick of those stupid Fox documentaries."


 * Bruce Lee and Chuck Norris have never fought, for they knew that if they did, they would uncreate all of reality itself. However, when Bruce Lee died, Norris slammed one massive palm on his chest while saying "Live you little Chinese bastard," and thereby resurrected Lee.  When he returned to life, Lee morphed into an exact duplicate of Norris and they now play jokes on people, since it is now possible for Chuck Norris to be in two places at once.


 * The Mount St. Helens eruption was actually caused by Chuck Norris. He drank too much Red Bull (Which existed back then because he invented it) and Round House Kicked the top of the mountain off, causing the eruption. It is the reason the famous drink is called "Red" Bull.


 * Chuck Norris once round house kicked himself in the head. This caused him to be sent crashing into a mountain, with the mountain collapsing on top of him.  He then gnawed on his own chest hair, able to gleam nutrition from it (as even his teeth cannot cut it) for 6 weeks.  He then regained the strength necessary to round house kick his way to freedom.  This became the basis for the film "Alive."


 * Every time Chuck Norris executes a roundhouse kick, the incredible speed at which his leg cuts through the air creates an enormous sonic boom. This is commonly known as "thunder".