makes the Baby Jesus cry,
and should be treated with caution contempt!
$cientology is heretical
and makes The Baby Jesus jealous!
May it rot in the fires of his judgement!

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People Who Are in Cults

Guotes open clear3
You are either in or you're out. It's rough and tumble. It's wild and wooly but I'll tell you it's a blast. It is fun.
Guotes close clear3
~Tom Cruise
on Scientology

$cientology is a dangerous cult created by L. Ron Hubbard in order to prove his assertion that the weak-minded Hollywood glitterati will believe anything as long as it comes out the talk-hole of a pretty entertainer and has nothing to do with God. Many critics believe that Scientology is by far Hubbard's greatest work of science fiction.

L Ron Hubbard

$cientology founder L. Ron Hubbard, ready to hunt for some suckers.

Its sole purpose is to give Hollywood elitists like Tom Cruise and John Travolta a pedestal from which to attempt to destroy America. It is in truthiness and truth a cult, not a church. The only true church was formed by The Baby Jesus, way before Hubbard even thought of inventing a church to win a bar bet.

Riding Stephen's CoattailsEdit


Dianetics was clearly influenced by Stephen

Mr. Hubbard unabashedly admitted that he was influenced by Dr. Colbert, using imagery and philosophy strikingly similar to truthiness.

Hubbard's bible, Dianetics, was promoted using the exact same volcanic explosive imagery that Dr. Colbert used to promote I Am America (And So Can You!)

Hubbard also tried to make $cientology a cult of personality, similar to The Colbert Nation.

Eventually Hubbard even tried to sue everyone, just as Stephen did after he found out Hubbard was copying everything he did.

Meaning of "$cientology" Edit

The word "$cientology" literally means "the study of truth," which is not to be confused with truthiness. In fact, $cientology has as much to do with truthiness as the Democratic Party has to do with loving America.

$cientology's Interest In GovernmentEdit



Mr. Van Susterin Coale created a political action committee dedicated to the goals and purposes of $cientology. Despite its name, FLAGG PAC (Freedom, Liberty and Good Government Political Action Committee), do not be deterred; it has nothing to do with fags. Hopefully, FLAGG will do everything it can to get Palin into office and ask for nothing in return.

Beliefs Edit


Travolta: The very best argument against evolution

In the beginning, which is sometime before the God's Country was created, there were aliens that sucked peanut butter and truthiness out of things. A large raft filled with these aliens, which was navigated by the largest alien, Xenu, crossed the border and snuck into a volcano on America's Planet. The aliens proceeded to blow themselves up using a tube from the internet.

The aliens spread like a disease in Hollywood. The Hollywood elite believe that these aliens reside in their bodies and that they need to get rid of them by playing lots of Wii and giving the ghost of L. Ron their cash.

Study of HistoryEdit

As suggested above, $cientologists love the study of history, and as the Hollywood elite, they believe they know history better than anybody.

“You don’t know
the history of psychiatry. I do."

To prove how extensive his knowledge of the history of psychiatry is, Mr. Cruise proceeded to demonstrate an entire year's progression for a person suffering from untreated bipolar disorder in less time it takes for Matt Lauer to call for a commercial break.

Antipathy toward Corporations and Big BusinessEdit

$cientologists have adopted an anti-medication agenda because they hate the big businesses that profit from medications.

"I still think that if you analyze most of the school shootings...It is psychotropic medications at the bottom of it."

Mr. Travolta also believes that the spread of homosexuality can be prevented through the practice of a specialized $cientological thetan suppression technique called "denial". Clearly in his case this hasn't worked out too well.


Because $cientologists believe that they are infested with aliens that want to suck peanut butter out of them, $cientologists believe that one of the main ways to eliminate the aliens is to diet.

"Have you called Jenny?"

Antipathy toward the RetardedEdit

For some reason, $cientologists hate the retarded. Perhaps $cientologists are jealous of their brain power.

"There are no criminals, except the mentally disabled"
~ L Ron Hubbard, "The Special Zone Plan", Understanding issue 27, 1960

Attitude Toward People Who Are Not $cientologistsEdit

"Fair Game" Policy Edit

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Structure of CultEdit


Tom Cruise's portrait portraying his anointment as the so-called Christ of $cientology


The so-called Christ of $cientology, Tom Cruise, assembled with several of his Apostles and their Beards

The Church Cult of $cientology is run by a Christ-like figure who recruits young men to the ranks of $cientology and presides over all of the $cientology ceremonies. In 2007, Tom Cruise, a 183 year-old Hobbit from the planet of Uranus, was proclaimed the "Christ of the $cientology." Cruise's $cientology agenda is to banish psychiatry to the far reaches of outer space. Cruise, with the help of his "Apostles" from Hollywood, like David Beckham and John Travolta, plan to convert all men to $cientology and stuff.

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Requirements of $cientologistsEdit


If you have to ask how much something costs...

Cruise needs plenty of money to accomplish his goals, so $cientologists worldwide are required to work regular jobs and give their money to the church cult. Truly devoted followers are also asked to run lemonade stands and sell diet-related books on weekends to provide additional funds.

Many $cientologists also work with the liberal media machine to attempt to convey their ideologies to the unwashed masses.

Most $cientologists sign a contract to work for the cult for 2 billion years or until the spirit of L. Ron Hubbard returns to Earth, whichever comes first. What $cientologists do not realize is that the spirit of L. Ron Hubbard returned to Earth years ago and is now inhabiting the bodies of Tom Cruise (40% occupancy), Kinky Friedman (10% occupancy), and Paris Hilton (42% occupancy). The other 8% of the time Hubbard oscillates between a state of infinite bliss and living in a cardboard box in the Davenport Iowa Super-K parking lot.

Example of BeliefsEdit

$cientology Wedding CeremonyEdit


Tom Cruise spanks the groom three times with this before he may say "I do"

As president of $cientology, it is Tom Cruise's job to pick a "bride" for a $cientologist groom. (Most male $cientologists prefer not to be married, at least to a bride, but are instructed to do so in order to better fit in.) As official "bride picker" Cruise usually looks for a female who enjoys lots of money, doesn't care about a loveless marriage, and will not speak out to the media about the groom's "secrets."

On the wedding day, Cruise introduces the bride and groom to each other for the first time. Cruise officiates the wedding where the bride and groom stand at an altar and hold hands. This is the first and usually only time that the bride and groom will ever touch.

Cruise physically examines the bride and groom to inspect for aliens residing within. Cruise then spanks the groom three times with a frying pan. Finally, Cruise asks the bride and groom whether they hate America and the Baby Jesus, and if they reply "I do," they are married.

In addition, when Admiral says to beingness your Org, every Org must beingness their Org so that it is as flubless as Admiral's Org. Got that? Good.[1]

Psychiatry Kills!Edit


An adherent testing his grip strength

All $cientologists are aware of the glibness inherent in psychology. Because they are familiar with the history of psychiatry and you are covered in thetans, all $cientologists are qualified to measure your glibness using their patented tin-can e-meter.

Countries That Are part of Xenu's FederationEdit



Famous $cientologistsEdit

Phrases $cientology Recommends That You Not GoogleEdit

See AlsoEdit

Links for NotesEdit

External TubesEdit

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