Like all Real American heroes, Stephen Colbert is a Christian, because America is a Christian nation. But Stephen also recognizes that America is a Melting Pot™, where people of many races and religions come to better themselves in the presence of a superior civilization. Out of Christian charity, Stephen makes an annual practice of recognizing the Jewish High Holy Days by giving Jews an opportunity to apologize to him personally during their 10 Days of Repentence between Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur. In order to expedite the process of atonement for his Jewish Friends, Stephen has set up a special phone line just for the Jew. The number to call is 1-888-OOPS-JEW (not to be confused with 1-888-MOPS-KEY or 1-888-MOSS-LEW or 1-888-MOS-PLEX or 1-888-NORS-LEZ).
Have you called Stephen to apologize yet? Come on, you know what you did.
Jews that Still Need To Apologize
Henry Kissinger--for being Henry Kissinger.
Stephen is still waiting for apologies from the following Jews:
- Senator George Allen
- Senator Joe Lieberman
- Representative Barney Frank
- Dick Cohen of The Washington Post
- The Daily Show's Jon Stewart
- Sarah Silverman
- Jesus Christ, for being born a jew.
Ten Days of Repentance
2007 (Jew Year: 5758)
- Stephen reminds the Jews of America that The Atone-Phone is still open, but he asks that you press "2" because he has to share the line with 1-888-MOPS-KEY, which is a consumer hotline for the best janitorial supplies.
- Stephen also reminds the Jews of America that Spencer Wells' recent claim that Stephen may in fact be 3/4 Ashkenazi himself does not release the rest of his Jewish brethren from their need to apologize to him. That's right. You've only got ten days, so Kol Nidre get on the line, people.RS
Apologies Stephen Received Through The Atone Phone
Caller #1 (unidentified female):
- "Hi Stephen, I'm calling to apologize for the nights I could not stay up late enough to watch. Hope you have a very Happy New Year."
Caller #2 (Abraham)
- "Hi Stephen, this is, uh, Abraham, I just want to apologize for having laughed at some of the segments about your wrist injury, it was really serious I know, the (injury/incident?) I have to say I laughed at some points. I hope you can forgive me. My atonement, I guess is to watch more FOX news."
Caller #3 (unidentified male)
- "I'm looking for a, uh, five gallon with a heavy duty splash guard. I also need a, uh, I-I bought a 60 to 32 HA's, uh, with the, uh, extended squeegee feature and those works good, but the oak handles you gave me kept, kept bustin' up on us. So, maybe if you could, uh, uh, this time call me back and let me know if you can do the hickory handles at the same price. Thanks."