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The following article is not for the easily frightened. It describes one of the most horrific concepts ever conceived. If you want to continue to experience happiness you must not read this article. For your own sake, you should read something else.
A World Without Stephen Colbert is what would have been if we were never blessed with the gift of Stephen Colbert or any of his various gifts to America. Stephen Colbert simply would never be born. It's worse than you can ever imagine. If your gut insists on you exploring this...evil, then you will need to continue.
Consequences of Stephen's Absence
Since Stephen never existed he would never bestow his treasure chest of wonders to the people of America. Here are some of the things that would happen because Stephen wouldn't exist!
- Stephen would never introduce truthiness to America and people would never learn to think with their gut. They would always use their brain, always.
- People would think for themselves.
- Everyone would pronounce Colbert as "Coal-BURT" instead of the right way, "Coal-BARE".
- Everyone would pronounce "report" as "re-PORT" instead of the right way, "re-PORE".
- The threat of bears would go unchallenged, encouraging them to be even more godless.
- Nothing on television.
- No Wikiality?
Geography of a World Without Stephen Colbert
Why does the geography matter? Isn't the fact that Stephen Colbert would be gone from the face of the earth slightly more important than the geography?
It is, but I'll tell you anyway. The world (and more importantly, America) would be covered in a thick blanket of evergreen forest. These "forests" would serve as refuge for the bears and squirrels that wish to harm us. Nothing would stop them and my gut tells me the Bear Uprising of 2012 would begin as early as never.
That's all you need to know about geography.
Anyone who knows anything about words will know that History and geography are basically the same thing. Here are some horrifying events that would happen if Stephen were never born -America would be taken over by Russian bears. -French people would enslave patriots and Captain America. -George W. Bush would never become a politician. -The Sun would explode and the enemy would win. -The world would stop spinning, leaving America in darkness. (On the plus side, the Mexicans would be to cold to cross the border, and Canada would be conquered in 2008 as opposed to tomorrow)
No Colbert Report
Without Stephen, the Colbert Report could not exist and we would all suffer from a lack of truthiness. Here is what could be aired the Report's time slot, assuming that television would still exist in a Colbert-less world.
- The Canadian version of the Daily Show, hosted by Samantha Bee. But it still airs in America.
- The Magic Bullet commercial that teaches you to how to make meals in less in 60 seconds.
- Something that is not the Colbert Report.
- The Colbear Report, hosted by the supposed leader of bears, Colbear.
- The daily Gay Pride Parade that makes the baby Jesus sad.
All Hope Is Lost?
Pretty much. Without Stephen's magical voice to guide us, I see no reason why everyone wouldn't be mauled by grizzly bears. But... there may be some hope. It isn't much, but it may be enough to fend off our enemies, at least for a little while.
We would still have the Greatest President Ever, who could lead us against America's enemies and maybe, just maybe, lead us to victory (against bears).
Oh noes! Chances are that a terrorist, bear, liberal, or a liberal bearrorist is hatching a scheme to make this nightmare a reality. America is not safe yet; it appears the lefties are already working on a time machine that they will use to go back in time and kill Stephen Colbert's mother before he is even born. And that is one of the better scenarios. Using crafty light tricks, Nancy Pelosi might trick Stephen's mom into aborting baby Stephen! This is even worse as it gives the liberals a means to travel farther into the past via their stem cell-powered time machine. What if they killed the Greatest President Ever? That's two out of the three "high rollers" of America. And don't get me started on who they would bring back. Here's a hint: it rhymes with "Fitler".
You want to know how to prevent it? Join the club. How can there be a solution to this threat? The only thing I can suggest is to watch Stephen very carefully. If we don't let him out of our sight he's not gonna go anywhere!
Purchasing multiple copies of I Am America(And So Can You!) might do the trick, as well.