Not quite girlie, not quite man,
Alan Colmes
is all Girlieman.
Alan Colmes
is one happenin' Jewish cat!
Shalom, baby!
Alan Colmes
gives aid and comfort to America's enemies. As A True American™,
it is your duty to report Alan Colmes to the authorities.
Angelina jolie 032
Don't be too mean,
Alan Colmes
is a registered Pussy.
Colbert Alan Colmes.stay on message.aka Oetzi the iceman

Colmes receiving orders to stay on message from Stephen Colbert. Colmes' photo also works as a photo of Oetzi the iceman.

Every Batman needs his Robin, and Alan Colmes, known to his colleagues as "la chucha", plays that part on Fox News's Hannity and Colmes. Argumentatively speaking, Colmes provides the liberal Japanese village to Sean Hannity's conservative Godzilla — for precisely 10.4 seconds, the speaking time alotted in Colmes' contract. See, liberals? Fox is Fair and BalancedTM!

After the show, a stooped and bleeding Colmes cleans up the green room and buys rounds at the bar for Hannity's crew.

It's a FactEdit


Alan Colmes... Current President of "Nerds Against America", and notorious surrender monkey.

  • Colmes is afraid of bunnies.
  • Colmes throws like a girl.
  • Colmes sits down to pee.
  • Colmes receives a wedgie from Hannity before and after every episode of Hannity and Colmes.
  • Colmes once tried out for the Washington Generals, but was too much of a loser even for them!
  • Colmes is the fourth ugliest man in America, beaten only by Brian Peppers, Helen Thomas and Ann Coulter. But only because James Carville is an alien.
  • Colmes is attracted to teenaged Florida boys who hiccup a lot.
  • Colmes looks like his face was on fire and somebody put it out with a fork.
  • Upon hearing that Barack Hussein Obama had won, Colmes ear piercing shrieks of glee, broke every window at Fox News. He then proceeded to run about the building naked, showing everyone his mangina. This reign of terror only came to an end when he simultaneously informed Roger Ailes that he was quiting and defecated on his desk.

Colbert & ColmesEdit

After Hannity stopped returning his phone calls, Colmes showed up at Stephen Colbert's door, stinking drunk and begging for spare change. Ever the compassionate conservative, Stephen took him in and gave him a job as a liberal counterpoint/parttime janitor as part of the Colbert Report's new debate format. The result was Colbert & Colmes, which lasted only one episode; Stephen was forced to fire Colmes when the little pipsqueak actually dared to get a word in edgeways. Unfortunately, Stephen was also forced to pay Colmes big money as severance because of a clause Stephen's Jew lawyer had slipped into the contract. Colmes whinnied with evil glee at having harmed Stephen (and, thus, America), transformed into a giant bat, and flew back to his coffin. The Report has since been 100 percent Colmes-free, and is moving forward one day at a time.


Red White Liberal

Colmes' liberal claptrap, which you shoudn't bother to read

  • "Please Sean, stop hitting me! I'll be good, I'll be good!" - Hannity and Colmes, April 3, 2006
  • "Alright, more on the case of the Florida teen who couldn't stop hiccuping" - Hannity and Colmes, June 12, 2007

See AlsoEdit


External TubesEdit

Community content is available under CC-BY-SA unless otherwise noted.