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Alcohol is one of the best inventions of man-kind, and is also a very fun thing to drink. This is due to the fact that any (and all) wrongdoings that took place while inebriated can be erased via the excuse "if I was drunk, it didn't happen".
How much to Drink?
How much to drink is a very important question. Some so-called 'doctors' might advise that you stay around one alcoholic drink per hour. Ridiculous! The proper way to know how much you should drink, is to consult your average college student. If they say you haven't drank enough, you obviously haven't! Only college students truly know how to drink. And the Irish (and you know the Irish never go to college)
One concern with drinking as much as your average college student is health. Despite numerous health reports which might state otherwise, drinking alcohol is one of the healthiest hobbies one can have. To understand how much benefit you will gain from any particular type of alcohol, it is important to look at the 'proof'. This number is a direct correlation between how much 'proof' there is and how much this alcohol will improve your health.
Signs that you have been experiencing the positive side of drinking gallons of alcohol include, but are not limited to:
- Waking up in a place you do not recognize
- Wake up next to your sister. Unless you are a conservative Republican, in which case that's just normal behaviour.
- Waking up naked next to somebody you don't know
- Waking up in a jail cell
- Unexplained bruises or cuts
- Outgoing calls on your cell phone you can not recall
- Numerous messages from people asking what was wrong with you the night before
One of the most fun things to do with alcohol is to mix it! There are many different things one can mix alcohol with, including soda, fruit juice, other alcohol, and, best yet, other drugs! When it comes to drugs, 'doctors' might advise against it, or even the 'police' might say it's illegal, but that is foolishness! They just know how fun it is and are trying to keep it all to themselves. Why do you think the police confiscated your marijuana the last time they found it on you? To use it themselves! One can only find what the best mix of alcohol and other activites is by experimenting, and it is recommended to review the fun things to do to come up with your own ideas!
The undisputed best kind of alcohol on the planet is Jagermeister. Despite its meager 'proof' level of 70, the inclusion of deer's blood and rat's semen increases the health benefit. However, if you drink Jagermeister past the age of 30, you are probably a liberal, or just a lonely loser wishing for earlier glory days.
By far the best way to consume this licorice-flavored treat is in the form of a Jager-Bomb, which is created by putting three ounces of Red Bull energy drink in a rocks glass and dropping a shot glass full of Jagermeister directly into it, and then slamming the entire thing in one gulp. Energy drinks are good for you, and alcohol is good for you, so this is doubly-good and yummy too. (Cheap knock-offs of Red Bull, such as Monster, should only be used in extremely dire circumstances, as they could spontaneously combust. You have been warned.)