ATTENTION: This Page is for Real Americans™ ONLY
If you are not a Real American™, pack your bags and report to GITMO.

To be an American is to be on the highest plane of existence. Americanism is the nationality possessed by a person of America; a person of America would thus be called an American. Americans are neither ugly nor rude; if they are rude to you, it's because you're an asshole.

When you look up at the American Flag, think of Stephen Colbert - the man who has red, white and blue blood. There is nothing more American in the World than Stephen Colbert, a symbol of freedom, liberty and just about everything else America stands for. The only thing more American than Stephen Colbert is Stephen Colbert.

Key Signs You Are American

Speak American!

  • You only need to speak one language, AMERICAN!.
  • You know you are the best
  • You have a natural preference for red, white, and blue things (in that order)
  • You know that the Ruskies copied our flag colors
  • You feel deep affection for American elephants
  • You know that you are the World authority
  • You watch The Colbert Report every Monday through Thursday night at 11:30PM (Eastern/Pacific) on Comedy Central - and TiVo for weekend revision
  • You support The Greatest President Ever (if you don't, you're a Communist)
  • You love the Baby Jesus
  • You would never be caught dead chasing away military recruiters; that is a sin
  • You celebrate your Nation's Independence by blowing a chunk out of it with fireworks
  • You worship Jesus and his amazing Jesus Powers
  • You know how to detect and deal with a liberal... and it's not peacefully
  • You would never vote Democrat ever. (Seriously.)
  • Your CD collection includes the whole Willie Nelson catalog
  • The only type of ice cream you eat is Stephen Colbert's AmeriCone Dream
  • You have a major Crush on Ann Coulter, her words are music to your ears
  • You rejoiced upon hearing Edward Kennedy is finally being struck down by God
  • You spend your entire life fighting off certain evil threats that have done something to you ever
  • You like wars because we win EVERY TIME! WOOO! U-S-A! U-S-A!

Things that WILL kill you unless you kill them first

See Also

Greatest Americans
Stephen Colbert  | Jesus Christ  | George W. Bush


is a part of's dictionary, "Watch What You Say". For the full dictionary, click here.