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Animals are creatures created by God for the sole purpose to provide humans with food, companionship, and entertainment. Otherwise they have no reason for existing. Like everything on America's Planet, some animals are considered good, and others considered evil. But besides good and bad, animals can be grouped by similar characteristics, such as being edible or inedible, but mostly they are split up into five categories (as seen below)

If an animal isn't in this picture, it never existed!! (Gee...I wonder where the dinosaurs are?)

The Animal Kingdom

These two Tigers show that it is sometimes better to give, than receive.

Furry Animals

Furry Animals, or "Mammals" to those on the Nerd Patrol, are animals who are characterized by being soft when you pet them. Of course, some of these fuzzy animals you would not want to get too close to, let alone, pet (for example Bears!). Besides being covered with fur, one may tell Furry Animals from others by the presence of external sex organs. That's right, most Furry Animals are unabashed perverts. Not only can you see Furry balls, but often a Furry penis too, and that's just on the males.

Examples of Furry Animals: Land Lions, Bears, Cats, and Raccoons.

This vigilant Bald Eagle watches for illegal immigrants near the Mexican Border.

Feathered Animals

Feathered animals, sometimes called "birds", are creatures that have feathers, make lots of noise, and fly. Feathered Animals are very colorful, and can represent many things, including many national symbols. Our Bald Eagle represents the United States, it soars through the air, ready to strike at any animal that is a perceived threat. Another perfect match of Bird and Nation is the Rooster with France. The rooster, also known as the "Cock", is a national symbol that represents France's sense of self-importance, flamboyance, annoying alarms, and her inability to stay airborne for longer than 13 seconds.

Examples of Feathered Animals: Stephen Jr., Bats, Chickens, and Owls.



Bugs are tiny, creepy, little animals whose purpose in life is to both, annoy and provide food for larger animals. Humans should however, never eat bugs. The reason being that our Stephen refuses to eat them (See Dr. Colbert's guest in Episode 354). Bugs are really good at climbing, digging, flying, stinging, and reproducing.

Examples of Bugs: Snails, Jellyfish, Bees, and Gila Monsters.


Frogs 'N Shit

Animals that are considered Frogs 'n shit are animals that feel slimy and wet like a fish, but unlike fish, they are somehow they are able to live outside of water. Some even live in both water and on land. Frogs 'n shit are usually poisonous, evil, and untrustworthy. The gut has warned humans of the wrongness of these slippery creatures for thousands of years now (apparently Eve's gut was not big enough). Frogs 'n shit usually reproduce by the hundreds, so like bears (although for different reasons), they are practically unstoppable.

While most fish are wet and slippery, this mermaid is surprisingly warm to the touch.

Examples of Frogs 'N Shit: Box Turtle, Hermit Crabs, Snakes, and Platypus.


Fish are animals that live in water. Naturally, many people get confused when trying to identify these sodden critters, so here is the best way to identify a fish: If it lives in water and no where else, you know without exception, it's a fish. Fish are one of the two (Furry Animals being the other) types of animals that are known to eat a human. Practically every member of the shark family are known to hunt humans, as seen in the movie Jaws.

Examples of Fish: Blue Fish, Alligators, Whales, and Anthrax.

Where Animals Live

Besides in zoos, Animals live all over the world, except (for unknown reasons) in areas around Chernobyl, Russia and near Three Mile Island in Pennsylvania. Animals do not complain about the housing market and want the government to bail them out. Each animal is responsible for their own housing. Some animals build nests, others dig tunnels, yet others bore holes in trees, and still more live in caves.

Unique Animal Housing

While all animals have different types of homes, some animals have truly unique dwellings. One such animals is the Beaver. Beavers use their teeth to cut down trees (why aren't tree huggers after the beavers?). They then use the fallen trees to block rivers.

Animals such as the Meerkat seemed to have learned from the Vietcong in the Vietnam War. For they dig an elaborate maze of underground tunnels which are designed to confuse their enemies.

What Animals Do


Provide Food

The main purpose of an animal's existence is for humans to eat them. Most animals are very tasty, and are a unique part of the cuisine in many parts of the world. Some of the more popular animals to eats are cows and chickens in the USA, horses in Europe, pigs in Muslim and Jewish regions, and dogs in Asia.

Faithful Companions

When not kept around just for food, some animals make excellent (non-sexual) companions or "pets". Cats and dogs are popular, but others have more unique animals as pets. For example, Dr. Stephen Colbert has a pet goldfish named Anthrax.

Entertain Us

Yet other animals are meant to give us (non-sexual) pleasure. Some animals are easily fooled into performing tricks in exchange for fish. Specific examples of animals entertaining include Horses that run around in circles, the fast breeding elephant is used in circuses, and whales who splash people.

Plot The Destruction Of The Human Race

See main articles: Bears & Bear Uprising of 2012

Unfortunately, there are some beasts that remain uncontrolled by man. These animals would like nothing more than to destroy mankind. Animals known to plan the destruction of the human race include sharks, octopuses, and the ever crafty wolf.

However terrifying the above animals may be, no discussion of plotting animals would be complete without the mention of bears. Bears are godless killing machines, and the #1 threat to all of humanity. Bears are currently preparing for their attempted take over in the year 2012 as predicted in the Mayan Calendar.

An Unholy Balance: Good Animals vs. Bad

As you well know, the world was created by God in 4004 BC. Lesser known is the fact that God created both good and evil animals, with good animals outnumbering bad ones. Sadly, due to the moral decay in today's society, this ratio is now approaching evenness.


Patriotic Animals

On the side of "good animals" comes patriotic animals. Patriotic animals serve our country in a number of ways. Navy Seals perform elite operations for the military in the fight on terror, and special US Army dogs are used to clear minefields. No animal symbolizes freedom more than the Bald Eagle. These birds are all heart, and the symbol of the United States. It is for this reason that it is illegal to kill one....unless you are a godless Indian.

Heroic Animals

Like patriotic animals, Heroic animals perform their duties for the benefit of mankind. Once again it is the dog who often performs heroic deeds. Dogs sniff out bombs, drugs, lead the blind, and rescue people out of abandoned mine shafts.

But perhaps the greatest example of animal heroism is not attributed to a dog, but rather a cat. On an early June day in 2006 a black bear approached a suburban New Jersey home in hopes of catching, raping, and eating its human occupants. Ever alert, Jack, a 15 pound house cat, reacted to the threat with an unequaled display of bravery. Jack chased the bear up into a tree...twice, before the bear retreated back into the woods.


Gay Animals

Unfortunately, some animals are by nature gay have chosen to be gay. It seems that Birds in particular have been overly influenced by the homosexual agenda. These feathered animals include flamingos, seagulls, and even penguins. Feathered animals are not the only ones susceptible to the homosexuality fad (as seen to the left).

Communist Animals

While most animals live in a manner in which they only look out themselves, there are a few who live in a Communist-like society. These animals refuse to look out for themselves, but rather the colony as a whole. These selfishly unselfish creatures, share things with other members of their species, and instead of hiring privatized mercenary companies like Blackwater, every member bands together for a common defense of their colony. Ants (especially "red" ants), termites, and prairie dogs are all animals that are communist, opposed to work, and are members of the ACLU.

Humans Are Animals "Debate"

Quote open clear3.gif In the beginning, we were all fish, okay, swimming around in the water. And then one day a couple of fish had a retard baby. And the retard baby was different so it got to live. So retard fish goes on to make more retard babies, and then one day a retard baby fish crawled out of the ocean with its mutant fish hands, and it had butt sex with a squirrel or something, and made this retard-frog-squirrel and then that had a retard baby which was a monkey-fish-frog, and then this monkey-fish-frog had butt sex with that monkey and that monkey had a mutant retard baby that screwed another monkey and that made you. So there you go. You're the retarded offspring of five monkeys having butt sex with a fish-squirrel. Congratulations. Quote close clear2.gif
~Mrs. Garrison on Evolution.

25px-DramaticExclamationPoi.gif All You Need To Know...

Hitler believed in evolution.

Point: Humans Are Animals

There is a fringe group of scientists who insist that humans are not separate creatures of God, but rather an animal closely related to a monkey. These bat shit crazy scientists say that if we gave a kangaroo a long enough period of time, the kangaroo would change into an Elephant. To accommodate their theory, they say that the earth is over 29 trillion years old. If the earth was that old wouldn't we be able to cut it in half and count the rings?

If Passenger Pigeons "evolved" this defense, they would still be around.

Counterpoint: Humans Are Not Animals

If both evolution and global warming theories were true, wouldn't Polar bears have learned to live in melted iceberg water by now? Or wouldn't passenger pigeons adapted to make themselves less tasty?

Besides bears killing them all, how would the "survival of the fittest" explain the extinction of the dinosaurs? Surely a human being would not survive in a land filled with dinosaurs (see Jurassic Park), the dinosaurs would eat them all.

The main argument against the theory of evolution is that no one was there to see it. No one saw a kangaroo turn into an elephant, however when God created man, Adam and Eve were there to witness it first hand.

External Tubes

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Animals is in Wikiality's Animal Perdition

This horrid beast will spend eternity wandering the vitriolous wastelands of Utah.


Welcome to Wikiality's Ark of Animals

Where all blessed Animals live.