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Apache Longbow
shows the proper respect America's Military deserves
Apache Longbow
Is an Enemy of Satan and a Pinnacle of Freedom
When Satan sees Apache Longbow, he is scared
and reduced to a whining baby who craps his diaper.
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Apache Longbow
is a member of the Bear Hunters of America.
Be Scared, Bears.
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Apache Longbow
Makes The Baby Jesus™ Happy
And that Makes Stephen happy, too!

"Somewhere," Afghaninistan July, 2006 — Looking for stuff to devastate.

Speicher, Iraq, 05 December 2005 — An AH-64D Apache Longbow helicopter from 1st Battalion, 101st Aviation Regiment, based at Forward Operating Base Speicher, Iraq, flies a mission to support troops on the ground. Note the balls in the nose of the beast.

Before defecting to the Dark Side, Darth Vader logged over 7800 Apache flight hours. He never sleeps.

Flying the Unfriendly Skies since 1963

  • The Apache Longbow is known as the baddest Mother F**ker on the planet.
  • Only thing that Jack Bauer is scared wary of.
  • When Armageddon comes Jesus and Jack Bauer will pilot one to defeat Satan.
  • Eclipses the Pizzly and Bearshark and is the ultimate-ultimate killing machine.
  • While it will run for one million years on its dilithium crytals, the Apache does enjoy snacking on the batteries of the Toyota Prius.
  • Ted Nugent has two, he loves Longbow hunting. One is painted Real Tree Mossy Oak™, one is painted zebra. They have cat scratches on the seats.
  • God thinks he is an Apache pilot.
  • Apaches have a special cutout in their seats, to accomodate the pilots cantaloupe-sizes testes.
  • The only thing an Apache can't kill is... Uh, er... {null}.
  • The Apache has a collective, which is absolutely NOT Borg.
  • Fixed wing pilots are pussies and afraid of bullets, things that don't glide and the ground, so they make fun of chopper pilots to hide their fear.

AH64A/D Specifications

  • Top Speed: 186,000mps
  • Max Weight: The AH64 weights waits for no one.
  • Powerplant: Two General Electric dilithium crystals. Producing 72,456,827,296 bhp
  • Range: Farther than Jack Bauer can run in 24 Hours
  • Armament: Enough to blow the fucking shit gosh darn doo-doo out of anything.
  • Vertical Climb Rate: May induce "Nozzle Failure."
  • Vertical Ceiling: Uranus. It was Pluto but it has been downgraded from a planet to a rock.

Fun Apache Facts

The AH64D received vampire bat DNA as part of the upgrade.

  • The Apache was named to honor the fiercest warriors ever engaged by American Troops. They were never defeated and Geronimo's Lost Tribe is still hiding in the Badlands, living on a diet consisting entirely of Bears.
  • All of Geronimo's progeny posses a genetic memory equivalent to 5,000 hours flight time.
  • Mrs. McDonnell Douglas gave birth to the first AH64A in 1983 after being in-vitroed on the Island of Dr. Moreau with genetic material from every warrior that has ever lived, and a pterodactyl.
  • The later version, the AH64D is carried to term by Mrs. Boeing and benefits from the addition of Vampire Bat DNA and Formula 401.
  • When you fly an Apache you get spurs and a jaunty Cavalry Stetson just like the Indian fighters wore. The mating of Cavalry/Apache proves that we have embraced our red-skinned brethren (not that we see color) in the fight against everything Un-American.

More Army Aviator Fun

"What is the one thing more frightening than a Helicopter pilot that doesn't want to be there?"

"Gee, I dunno, what?"

"One that does."

It is common knowledge that pound for pound, there is no bigger goofball in the flying ranks than a chopper pilot. Usually completely juiced from adrenaline buzzes that grow from flying less than ten feet above tree level.

There is absolutely nothing a chopper pilot won't try, at least once.

Their occupational equivalents include hockey goalies, emergency room physicians, king crab fisherman, rock drummers, Top Fuel drag racers, stuntmen and other misfits that literally live life on the sharpest and nastiest edge possible.

See Also