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Associated Press
Belongs to The Vast Left-Wing Media Conspiracy

The Associated Press is a secret group of Factonistas working to undermine America and everyone who values freedom.

Their work is mysterious and they have peculiar rituals, but the Associated Press (AP) is nothing but a bunch of liberal commies trying to force their agenda down America's throat.

The AP's logo. Keeping it simple for their employees.


The AP started as soon as Guttenberg finished inventing the printing press. A couple of whiny "readers" complained that there should be "standards" and "a way to verify" what's being printed. Luckily, Guttenberg hid the bodies well.

But alas. Those whiny "readers" wrote down their ideas and hid them before anyone could discover where their secret writings were, or when they even held their meetings.

The Secret Handshake

Many people believe those "readers" from long ago spread out throughout America's Planet and have continued their plot to "verify" and "standardize" facts and stuff like that. Some say they have a special handshake. And that's what this section is about: the fact that there might be a handshake, there are rumors they have a handshake, but no one has seen the handshake. Geraldo and FOX will do a show on them soon.

How The A.P. Hates America

Like wikiality, most Americans agree on what they know; they don't need factonistas telling them not to listen to their guts or that they should spend less time watching TV and more time reading. If reading was good for America then more Americans would be doing it. But why are more Americans obese? Because they listen to their guts--that's why. Which proves that reading is un-American and anti-truthy.

The A.P. on the other hand, would have you believe that reading is somehow good; facts are supposed to contain magical properties; remembering history accurately is somehow beneficial; and following the rules of logic is supposed to prevent the spread of STDs. Who the hell comes up with this shit? The A.P.--that's who. Oh, yeah, one other thing: the A.P. believes that a person who answers questions shouldn't be the one who asks them. I don't think so! Donald Rumsfeld does it all the time! And he's an American!!!

To spread their web of lies, the A.P. has infiltrated American newspapers. How they do it is very un-American, in fact someone on the internets described it as "socialist".

The A.P.'s Secret Plot

The A.P. achieves their network of lies not by inheiriting American newspapers from their hard-working American ancestors. No. This network wasn't built on the backs of hostile take-overs or mega-mergers. No siree Bob. This cancer of The Great American Newscape was forged by using the most insidious socialist tactic of all: sharing.

And it must stop.

The A.P. sends reporters to important news events to report the goings-on. Then they "share" that information with other news companies.


That's not how FOX works and they are as American as their Australian founder/owner, Rupert Murdoch.

The A.P. Today

The A.P. is everywhere, like Agence France Presse, which I don't have to tell you, hates America.

You can tell because "France" is in their name.

The A.P. abuses their monopolistic rule over America's news by following something they call "standards". What a bunch of sick fucks. Just go over to their website[1]. Better yet, don't go; I went and now I have a headache looking at all those words.

Some words I found on the A.P.'s website:

  • "we don't plagiarize"
  • "Reports from other news organizations based on anonymous sources require the most careful scrutiny when we consider them for our report"
  • "Staffers must notify supervisory editors as soon as possible of errors or potential errors"
  • "Nothing in our news report – words, photos, graphics, sound or video – may be fabricated. We don't use pseudonyms, composite characters or fictional names, ages, places or dates"
  • "We use only authoritative sources. We do not project, surmise or estimate in a graphic"
  • "We do not alter or manipulate the content of a photograph in any way"
  • "We do not use obscenities, racial epithets or other offensive slurs"
  • "Ellipses should be used rarely"
  • "AP employees must avoid behavior or activities - political, social or financial - that create a conflict of interest or compromise our ability to report the news fairly and accurately"
  • blah-blah-blah

Who cares? I could put all those words on a webpage too if I paid a bunch of monkeys to do it for me. But I won't pay monkeys to do my work for me; if they don't want to do it on their own, I'm not going to pay them.

So, I guess what this all boils down to is the A.P. is a bunch of monkeys playing like they are The Illuminati.

And they hate America.