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An authority is someone who holds a very important job. Authorities do the Hard Work for America and America's Freedoms. An authority is the boss of you, and by law, can tell you what to do.

Now respect my authority!

I don't understandEdit

Listen, an authority makes decisions without having to get permission from the United Nations or France.


Look, we are in a war, and our enemies want to kill us. We need American authorities to do what's right for America and America's Freedoms. Since 9/11 the world has changed. We need to change to stay ahead of the terrorists. We can't wait to ask for permission! The authorities in America have to do what's right, and do it now. Or fast, they...they can't wait to ask someone. Don't you see?

Let me put it another wayEdit

What Authority Can Congress Give The President?Edit

The American People, listen, I have said this before, the American people knew Saddam Hussein was a threat to our way of life, he...he wanted, he said he...he wanted to kill my dad.

But What Authority Did Congress Give...Edit


The President has the authority to protect America. It's in the constitution. The President's job is to protect the people, and the country...America...

...Excuse me...Edit

Wait, let me finish...

Saddam Hussein had weapons, or not, but he hates America. He hates, he wanted, he said...he was gonna kill my dad. The President isn't supposed to just protect Whitney Houston, he, he...The President will protect America--everybody.

The President has the authority to do that.


Listen, I don't see how this is hard to understand, I'm a flaming idiot, and even I get it. The President has the authority to protect America, period. Next question.

Okay, what do you say to critics who say the Presidency is becoming too "Authoritarian"?Edit

Hey, come on, those are words, I'm trying to protect America, and if, if that means, if being Author-i-tizi-na...Author-im...I have to protect America.

How is that hard to uderstand, this is pissing the shit out of me, damnit Lauer, sometimes you can be such an ass, at least Old Bag Thomas gets shit through her thick skull.

Hang on...(grunt)...ahhh! You smell that? I had beans for lunch.

Now, what were you saying?

Matt, authoritologists are good for America, bottom line. America doesn't need to ask permission. Congress gave the President the authorium to use necessary force, If you have nothing to hide...Americans understand this all, I have the author, the President gave Congress, or...which means attack Iraq, um, Iran, no wait, Iraq is right, hang on...hey, pull my finger Lauer, go ahead, come on.

You're such a puss.

Hey you ever meet Gannon? He's a fagula, just like you, but he wasn't a puss. You need to clear some brush, Lauer, put some hair on yer balls.

So, what you're saying is...Edit

Don't put words in my mouth TV-boy!

Hey you go to college? You ever read? I read a bunch of books last month, I was supposed to read 'em in college, but (heh, heh) I read 'em last week, and got paid to do it! Woo-hoo! Don't mess with Texas!

Lookit, authori-jihadists have the responsibility to do what's right, and blah, blah, blah, even I'm getting bored with all this. What say, you and me go out back and have our own private press conference, eh Matt?

Sir, get your hand off my crotchEdit

Hey, don't get all snippy.

Sir, let me ask it this way...Edit

...If someone gave you the authority to housesit...Edit

I done that before. Daddy and Mother went out of town to do business in Texas with the Saudis and I watched the whole house. (Heh, heh) I tied Jeb to a tree and threw firecrackers at his nekkid-ass! (heh, heh)

...would that mean you also had the authority to fuck the dog?Edit

Hey, the President has to use his office to help America. If fuckin' the dog keeps America safe, I say, open the kennel...

Okay, Now I'm going to be sick...Edit

Same here...hey Laura, tell Condi I want a bath!

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