Boston, or "Bahstahn" as it is known locally, is the capitol and largest city in America's bastard child of a state, Taxachusetts. It is also the capitol of Gaysreal. It is known for its flaming liberalism and it's citizens' funny accents. It is a well-known hide-out/breeding ground for tax-and-spenders, gays, communists, and college-educated fact-huggers. The city is also full of jerks. And Red Sox fans, which some would consider the worst type of Commies to deal with.
History[edit | edit source]
Boston was not always a liberal cesspool. It was founded a long time ago in the names of God and Jesus Christ by the pilgrims in hopes that it would become even more Jesusy than the South is today. However, eventually some French Huguenot (a fancy word for very gay person) opened up the first shop in Boston, thereby polluting all of this Jesusyness (yes, that's a word) with gay communism. You have to hate when that happens. In 1773, founding fathers such as Benjamin Franklin and John Adams defeated Satan during the Battle of the Boston Tea Party. After that, the founding fathers used Boston as headquarters to plan for World War 0. America's swift, inspiring, heroic victories in and around the city ensured a quick defeat of the British and the French during the war.
Language[edit | edit source]
Bostonians speak a local dialect of American known as Bahstonian or Mainah (translation: Bostonian/ Mainer). Basic rules of pronunciation are:
- The consonant “R” is pronounced as “AH”
- The vowel “A” is pronounced as an “ER” or an “R” when it is the last letter of a word.
The reason for this is, according to John Stewart, the Massachusetts Legislature ratified everything in John Adams' 1780 Massachusetts Constitution "except the letter 'R'. Another reason states that they had their 'R's before Southerners stole them during the Civil War. Fucking southerners.
If a non-Bostonian were to attempt to stop his or her automobile on the grounds of the city's Ivy League University (a liberal hellhole where Satan resides), a Bostonian would scream, "What ah ya, retahded? Ya cahn't pahk ya cah in tha Hahvahd Yahd, yah fuckin' asshole!"
Things to Do and See[edit | edit source]
Sporting Events[edit | edit source]
Fenway Park is a baseball stadium that contains a man-eating monster and the Boston Red Sox. 99.9% of Bostonians blindly pledge their allegiance to the awesome Red Sox even though they are perennial losers; however, this type of blind devotion is encouraged when pledging allegiance to the Greatest President Ever.
The Boston suburb of Foxboro is home to the New England Patriots, America's football team. Although football is a true man's game and is America's sport, that is not what draws fans to Patriots games. Rather, they are drawn by the rugged good looks of quarterback Tom Brady, whose attracting power transcends sexual orientation, and is almost as strong as that of Stephen Colbert.
The Boston Celtics do not suck.
Boston Common[edit | edit source]
This is the wannabe version of New York's Central Park. It is a place for enjoying nature, grass smoking, hackey sack circles, bongo playing, and other hippie-related activities (but mostly smoking the ganja). There is also a section known as the Central Burying Ground that presumably contains the bodies of people whacked by Boston's Irish Mafia (don't mess with them).
Back Bay[edit | edit source]
The back bay district was built on an old landfill and it smells like raw sewage because of its proximity to Boston Harbor. It is currently home to numerous Republican allies: rich people and big businesses. Wealth in this district is quickly approaching infinity because of the Greatest President Ever's tax-cuts. This district also contains MIT nerds, Public Library factinistas, and museum-ey stuff.
Drink[edit | edit source]
Drinking is very popular in Boston because there are a lot of Irish there. (Note: Irish is a good type of immigrant, and they are members of the one true religion). The bar from the TV show Cheers is located in Boston, but this bar is not at all realistic because it shows people from all different socioeconomic backgrounds intermingling. In reality, Boston's bars are segregated so the privileged don't have associate with freaks or poor people.
Public Transportation[edit | edit source]
The Boston area is served by the MBTA (Ministry of Boston Transportation and gAyness), commonly known as "The T" because of its gay little logo. This state-controlled ministry is a prime example of the evils of socialism. People often get "screwed by 'the T' " because bus and subway drivers are shiftless slackers who are busy toking up and taking union-mandated breaks every three minutes. All MBTA vehicles run on switchgrass juice, which is detrimental to oil companies' business.
Higher Education[edit | edit source]
Boston is home to an estimated 4,315,782 colleges and universities, more than any other city in the country. This means it is full of elitist, liberal factinistas who rely too much on books and not enough on their guts.
Factoids[edit | edit source]
- Boston is part of the megaopolis BosWash, which includes Boston, New York City, Philadelphia, Baltimore, and Washington, D.C.
- Boston's economy is sustained by the gay marriage industry and the sale of baked beans and clam chowder
- The Boston Celtics wear kilts while playing basketball on a court that was originally made of floor tiles purchased from Ye Olde Home Depot
- Ted Kennedy consumes more alcohol daily than all the students at the 4,315,782 colleges and universities combined.