A Canadian (pronounced "KE-NE-JYIN") is the unholy loin-fruit of a non-Ice Cream three-way between a draft dodger, an American, and a Frenchman. They have been cursed with a frigid country full of bears and terrible musicians like Peaches and Neil Young.
Canadians drive cars with square tires. They also have trashcan heads.
Canadians are the weak little brother of the world. Too scared to stand up and too feeble to fight. America only puts up with the Canadians to look better. How great can a nation be if their symbol is a harmless leaf, not even a mighty tree but a stupid non-man eating flower.
Canadians are a bunch of bear-loving, moose-hating commies that love the french and hate the USA. What is the reason for this incredible amount of hate? Jealousy. Out and out jealousy of our awesome and invincible country. Al Franken, Janeane Garofalo, and other French-loving USA haters frequent this country to smoke satan-weed, talk fondly of communism, and exchange child pornography.
Canadians invented hockey, but are now forced to EAT IT by the Saginaw Spirit, the only American team in the Ontario Hockey League, who pummel the godless Canadians for Stephen Colbert's personal glory. The Spirit are led by their mascot, Steagle Colbeagle the Eagle and have the full support of Jesus.
What Canadians are famous for[edit | edit source]
- Eating maple syrup with everything
- Kissing up to the great Americans
- Disconnecting the upper halves of their heads from the lower halves when they talk.
- Dodge drafts
- Always escaping by the skin of their teeth from Saddam Hussein's constant takeover attempts.
- Insert the letters O and U into words where they don't belong
- Butcher the pronounciation of words like "house," "out," "about," and "against"
- Trade their wives for alcohol
- Trade their money for larger amounts of American money
- Using the stronger dollar to buy the American Dream at sub prime rates.
- "Better check your exchange rate, that commie money isn't as worthless as it once was"
- Skip out of a hospital without paying their medical bills
- Saying "eh?"
- Not help America and its planet fight against communism
- Drink unhealthy amounts of maple syrup to raise money to support the pro-Bear agenda
- Worship the snow (Satan)
- Prefer standing in line-ups instead of traditional American lines
- Ruin America with their funny sitcoms
- Americans inventing their only cool comedians, Terrance and Phillip
- Actually buying Rush albums
Truthiness about Canadians[edit | edit source]
- All Canadians have laser vision.
- All Canadians are x-men, but not all x-men are Canadians.
- All Canadians have civil unions.
- All Canadians are homeless.
- All Canadians dont drive cars, they ride unicorns. (Cars are too American, so we don't let them have any)
- All Canadians cannot count higher than purple.
- All Canadians are Amish, but not all Amish are Canadian.
- All Canadians who are not sodomites are hermaphrodites.
- All Canadians worship boxes of Kraft Macaroni and Cheese.
- All Canadians piss Maple Syrup
- All Canadians hate Chuck Norris, but not all of Chuck Norris hates Canadians.
- All Canadians have watched and liked "Buckey Larson Born to Be a Star"
- All Canadians prefer moose over and other gay animal
Give Canadians What They Deserve[edit | edit source]
Canada's Phone Number:
Call them and pull the following prank call:
YOU: Your cat is on my fence.
CANADA: I don't have a cat.
YOU: Well, I don't have a fence.
Then hang up. Let's get the entire nation prank calling Canada until it gets a cat!