Canadian Government
is too Canadian, speak American, eh.

Canadians cannot be trusted. They try their best to look and act like Americans, but there are some deep differences between us which will always render them unworthy of true freedom.

Political Structure

For starters, Canada is one of sixteen countries in the 53 member-state Commonwealth of Nations in which Elizabeth II is still in charge, though as Queen of Canada - a separate position to any of her other queendoms, which sometimes gives Elizabeth a personality disorder. Technically, they are a federal constitutional monarchy. That's right, Canada is a monarchy - a kingdom. Obviously, their commitment to democracy is a farce. This "parliamentary democracy" line is just to keep America from invading, stealing, controlling, and putting into debt a peaceful nation.

Governor General

Canada's Governor General

Canada has a governor general, appointed by the Queen, to keep Canada in order. Currently, the Governor General is Michaëlle Jean, who I am told is a black woman, but it is difficult to confirm this as I, like Stephen Colbert, do not see someone's race or gender.

The Queen is also the Commander-in-Chief of the Canadian military, though she delegates her lackey governor general to do this job for her. Canada is currently deployed overseas in Afghanistan, where Tim Horton carries out combat operations in Kandahar, Afghanistan to keep up their supply of opium for their powdered donuts, and a double dose for their coffee.


Canadians delude themselves into believing they live in a democracy by electing representatives to the House of Commons, their form of Congress, where the Prime Minister actually has to respond to impudent representatives who dare question his actions. Canadians don't get to elect anyone in the upper house, the Senate. The Governor General appoints Senators and they get to sit there until they're seventy-five years old. Of course, the Prime Minister advises the Governor General on who to appoint. See what a great democracy they have?

Contact Information

Canada's Phone Number:

1-800-O-CANADA (1-800-622-6232)

Call them and pull the following prank call: YOU: Your cat is on my fence. CANADA: I don't have a cat. YOU: Well, I don't have a fence.

Then hang up. Let's get the entire nation prank calling Canada until it gets a cat!



Canada has both a domestic military in the form of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police, and an external military in the form of two submarines that are not seaworthy, six old Spitfires on loan from the British Museum, and over a dozen ground troops. However, the might of the Canadian military should not, under any circumstances, be underestimated. Why? Because the Canadian government has signed a secret pact with the bears. Read about the Great Bear Incident and the government's involvement in the revolt.

The Canadian Mountie Wants You! (come on, you know you want to)

Ties to Bears

Evidence of the Bear Conspiracy with the Canadian Government

As mentioned above, the Canadian government is an ally to bears. Canada's first master-stroke of international bear propaganda came with the export of a black bear born in Manitoba known only as Agent "Winnie." "Winnie" infiltrated the London Zoo and, with gifts of maple syrup and Tim Hortons coffee, seduced A.A. Milne into writing the notorious pro-Bear Manifesto, "Winnie the Pooh."

With the election of conservative Stephen Harper, the bears have been pushed back, but Canadians are liberal hippies and are easily swayed by the bear agenda.

The Royal Canadian Mint also issues coins with bears on them called "Toonies" - clearly demonstrating a connection between the Canadian queen and bears. It is also working hard to protect the polar bears, whose environment is being "impacted" by "global warming". Clearly, the Canadian government cannot be trusted by anyone who is an enemy to bears, which is most of us. Bears are soulless killing machines. They will eat you and anyone you care about.

Currently, the Canadian government is preparing for the Bear uprising of 2012. They will lend comfort and aid to the bears, aiding them in their takeover of the United States. It is difficult to believe the bears could succeed without this support as their supply lines to the North would be cut off if the Canadians were not complicit in their takeover. Any red-blooded American knows that Canadians are only biding their time until they invade. They are currently amassing themselves along the border. The bears are right behind them.

The Canadian Cavalry… need I say more?

BEARsqu.jpg   Bears   BEARsqu.jpg
Ursa  | Winnie The Pooh  | Yogi Bear  | Colbear  | Smokey The Bear
Polar bears  | Pizzly  | Polar Grizzly  | Koala  | Panda Bear  | Bats
Vampbear  | BearSharks  | Bipolar Bear  | Care Bears  | Roller bear
Bear baiting  | Bear is driving  | Bearism  | Great Bear Incident  | The Left Wing Madness