Capitalism

Capitalism
helps Americans better understand
The Free Market
America thanks you, Capitalism

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As some wise man once said *“Greed is Good”*

I shop, therefore I am.

~ Stephen Colbert

Private Krankenversicherung Vergleich

Capitalism is the one true religion, in conjunction with Christianity, that will eventually embrace the entire world. Capitalism was created by Jesus Christ when he created America with George Washington and Abe Lincoln.

Scratch... Doubloons... Pieces of 8... Moolah... Bread. Whatever you call it, Stephen Colbert has more of it than you do.

The Bible tells us that Capitalism is the only true economic system endorsed by God, which is proven by the fact that the nicer your casket and your funeral is, the easier it is for you to get into Heaven. God and St. Peter appreciate souls who travel in style.

How It Works[edit | edit source]

A very simple graphic that explains how the system works and why is the best. However, in this bowlderized version, Tufty has been excised from his rightful place at the top (see, eg, the Commissar Vanishes

Money is made by the American government, which automatically means that it's a good thing, because the government is headed by George W. Bush. Update: Obama won, all government actions are hereby evil (Defense Dept. excluded). Money is then distributed, in the forms of dollars and coins, to rich people. This is because they're rich, which means they're better than most people and can be trusted to do the right thing with it.

The rich people then use the money they've been given to start businesses and employ people, paying them for their services. This allows the money to flow downward, through to the dregs of society. These people then spend their hard earned money on X-boxes, Kentucky Fried Chicken and Van Halen CDs, all of which are for sale in stores owned by the rich people.

XoFacto: Capitalism for the poor and ~~socialism for the rich~~ SuperCapitalism for the Ultra Rich.

Thus, the cycle of life continues.

People (commie liberals) often criticize Capitalism. They claim that Capitalism hurts the worker and damages the community. But who cares, as caring isn't the American Way, as it gets in the way of our patriotic obligations. Any good Republican with balls would know that the American Worker is lazy and is better pushed out of the public eye.

Why you want it[edit | edit source]

Capitalism teaches those lazy welfare children to pull their own bootstraps, if they had boots.

Life is a competition. From the moment you are born, you must start acquiring 'things'... the more expensive these things are, the better. If your neighbor has a 30 inch plasma screen TV, you must buy a 60 inch screen TV. The bigger, faster and more expensive your car is, the better, because it tells others how much better you are than them. Whoever dies with the most toys, wins.

Why there is no such thing as a depression and you are still employed[edit | edit source]

Current theories why there is no depression and you still have a job may be broadly classified into three main points of view. First, there is orthodox classical economics and neoclassical economic theory, which focus on the fact that any rumors of depression and unemployment are the work of pinko provocateurs like Milton Friedman.

Second, there are structural theories, most importantly Keynesian, but also including those of institutional economics, that point to the only consensus viewpoint that the widely held illusion of lack of economic activity and large-scale lack of confidence is due to the fact that you are a lazy slob.

Third, there is the Marxist critique of political economy. This emphasizes the tendency of capitalism to create unbalanced accumulations of wealth, leading to overaccumulations of capital and a repeating cycle of devaluations through economic crises. Marx saw recession and depression as unavoidable under free-market capitalism as there are no restrictions on accumulations of capital other than the market itself. Only a commie would believe such rubbish!

Fourth, there is the most widely held new theory, Neo-Cartmanian Southparkianism, which draws from empirical evidence and Socio-economics to draw bold conclusions which are devastating in their simplicity and profundity.

In the Southparkian weltanschauung, while there is no depression, and you still have a job, we are all, quite simply, totally hosed. Best to learn how to speak Chinese and Kowtow. Your going to need those skills soon.

External links[edit | edit source]

Capitalism 101

Capitalism

Contents

How It Works[edit | edit source]

Why you want it[edit | edit source]

Why there is no such thing as a depression and you are still employed[edit | edit source]

See Also[edit | edit source]

External links[edit | edit source]

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