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Coal is a magical substance God hid in America's Planet to keep His Children occupied and entertained.

The Many Ways Coal-Haters Hate CoalEdit

Slurried truck and barn

To a coal-hater, this image represents an "environmental disaster". To one who sees the beauty of God's inerrant plan, this is simply the unexpected running over of a blessed slurry containment cup.

Coal haters claim that coal is dirty, and that coal mining is unsafe, and that coal mining often destroys the places where the coal is mined. All of this is bunk. This article is meant to de-bunk the coal haters vicious lies about coal, the most beautiful shiny black rock that God ever made.

Why Coal-Haters Are WrongEdit

Coal haters believe that coal should stay where it came from rather than be brought up to the surface for the use of God's children. Yet these same "Earth's-Mantel-Huggers" seem to have no problem at all when Angelina Jolie brings a precious little black treasure up from darkest Africa. But the "Crust Lovers" would have us believe that taking the coal from the ground is different from adopting an orphan child, when - short of the burning for energy part - the process is very much the same.

Coal miners go into the ground, adopt the coal, bring it to the surface, and send it off to its new parents: the coal refinery, where it will be schooled into energy that Americans can use to power their many useful electronic devices.

Also, a lot of coal miners aren't miners, but heavy machines that lop off the tops of mountains and just wrench the coal out of the earth, tossing the former mountaintops into the surrounding valleys and streams. This might be more like the equivalent of a puppy mill? The metaphor sort of breaks down there. But here, look at these sexy miners:

Model Miners - GE

Model Miners - GE

See? Coal haters are wrong.

How Clean Coal Helps AmericaEdit

Clean Coal provides over half the energy that gives America electricity! The Greatest President Ever understood the value of coal so well that he pledged to spend $2 Billion on coal technologies even before he became President. This proves what a forward thinking man of vision our President truly is, because coal helps America fight the terrorists by reducing our dependence on foreign oil! Taking our own coal from the ground at home means we don't have to fight them abroad, obviously.

Clean CoalEdit

Clean Coal is nature's best energy source!

Clean Coal is efficient and clean and puppies love it and it is economically viable and a concept so obvious and simple that even your grandmother understands it!

How Is The Coal Made Clean?Edit

First off, coal was never dirty to begin with! So, by chemically cleaning it even more, it's so clean it cleans whatever it touches, including the air, earth, and groundwater it interacts with during certain stages in its cleaning processes.

How Clean Coal Helps America's PlanetEdit

Clean Coal helps America's Planet by helping America's President fight the Global War on Climate Change. The Greatest President Ever has always been a leader in the fight against climate change, just as he has been against regime change, changing horses in midstream, personnel change, or ever, ever, ever changing his mind. Our President has always been a model of consistency, just like the world's most consistent fuel source, clean coal!

Clean Coal Reduces Climate Change Endangering EmissionsEdit

It sure does! If it didn't, why would it be part of the Clean Skies Initiative? Clean Skies? Clean Coal? See??? Can't have a clean sky without some clean coal.

Liquid Coal Can Run Your CarEdit

Here's an idea even the hippies should love: liquidized clean coal can power your hummer!! (You know how much those granola barterers love juicing things!) If a few forward thinking legislators are able to push their vision through, investments in ultra-clean liquid coal might yield years of expensive research in high coal-producing states, potentially followed by some discernible output of useful fuel that could in some way some day benefit the rest of America! Sure, it might take years before we see those few gallons of liquid coal gas in our tanks, and sure, we might have to release a lot of so-called "pollution" into the air in order to figure out how to make the process work, but hey - if you want to make an omelette, you gotta break a few million carbon dioxide molecules.

Of course, a few non-coal-state-loving nay-sayers[1] and flip-floppers[2] [3] want to say that "liquid coal is not a viable solution" to America's energy needs. But that kind of negative thinking is just terrorist-coddling, and Real Americans will have none of that!

Heroic Supporters of CoalEdit

There are a few brave, true Americans who have gone to enormous lengths to keep America's coal-fueled fires burning bright. Thinking nothing of how these noble efforts might benefit them personally, the heroes of coal have fought of short-sighted legislation that sought to limit coal's useful by demanding safer working conditions for coal miners or better methods of containing coal's supposed "waste" products. But their efforts should not remain in the dark forever. We at wish to salute these visionary lawmakers who have distinguished themselves in the last few years with their heroic support for clean coal - and with the support they've received from clean coal!

Coal Heroes:

The Haters of Coal and FreedomEdit


Diamonds are just really, really old coal. How could coal be bad, if diamonds come from it? Does that make any sense? How could the most precious of stones come from something dirty or polluting? Diamonds are pure goodness and light, and never hurt anyone. Coal is baby diamonds.

See AlsoEdit

British Petroleum

External LinksEdit

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