I kill what I fear and I fear what I don't understand, and I don't understand this.
Be less random and more truthy--use your gut.

Baby Jesus.jpg
Makes The Baby Jesus™ Happy
And that Makes Stephen happy, too!
Other Food-related Categories

Coffee is the drink of HitlerSatan. It is believed that one can gain superpowers of evil by imbibing this substance. There is also strong evidence that drinking "kill the fucking people to picked it up off the ground" coffee in the presence of Republicans can induce vomiting and speaking in tounges

Discovery of Coffee

Stephen Colbert discovered coffee in 49,005 B.C., in late January, the week before he discovered The Force. It is believed these events are related, but it has yet to be proven. Upon enjoying his first cup of pure, unadulterated coffee, Stephen was said to have proclaimed, "Once you go black, you never go back." He then assigned responsibility for the world's coffee to Juan Valdez.

How Coffee helps you get in touch with your gut

Try this completely non-scientific experiment. Go to Starbucks and order the "Stephen Colbert Special", a five-shot Venti Caramel Mocha Latte. In fact, order five of them and gulp them down as quickly as possible. Coating the inside of your throat with candle wax will aid this process. Feel that burning, bubbling feeling deep down, in your torso area? Congratulations, that's your gut talking. In fact, you have just super-charged your gut, and you should feel the truthiness beginning to percolate, overriding the thoughts coming out of your ridiculous brain. Now, fire up your laptop and logon to The truthiness will flow like water.

Evil Coffee

However, the magical nectar has been perverted in its base form by hippies into a similar, yet woefully evil substance called a latte. Such is not the same as coffee. These things lead to the Dark Side. The irony of this is that the darker and thicker the coffee is, the purer and better it is for you. Only weak-minded liberals and French people put creamer in their coffee. That shitface Michael Moore may also have something to do with it.

America is addicted to coffee!!

Evil Coffee's effect on truthiness

Many of these so-called human beings drink the cream-tainted liquid death while reading evil books at an Ivy-league school library, or drink it while they hang out at Starbucks and discuss liberal nonsense while wearing their pretentious uppity clothes. To top it off, most bookstores now sell this perverted version of coffee, so people can drink it, while more evil books! Probably books written by that moron Noam Chomsky, no doubt. This form of coffee and truthiness are exact opposites. It sucks the truthiness out of you. It gives you the urge to read books and study things. It should be avoided at all costs.

External Tubes