Colbert Platinum
is a featured segment of
the Greatest American Television Show--EVER!!!, The Colbert Report.

Warning This page is only for people whose net wealth exceeds $500,000 $1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000.23. You must also have more than a home and a vacation home.

Colbert Platinum[1] is the high-end luxury segment of The Report, aimed at discerning rich personages whom Stephen would very much like to meet. Greeting wielders of diamond-encrusted diamond encrusters.

The theme song is Prince of Denmark's March.


Edition of May 13, 2009


In this very special edition of Colbert Platinum, Dr. Colbert samples three very special $1,000 Dishes.

  • Norma's in Le Parker Meridien
    • $1,000 omelet
      • $3 eggs
      • $60 lobster
      • caviar
      • potatoes
    • comes with toast
  • one thing sustained our ancestors when they came to Ellis Island
  • Dr. Colbert did not dine and dash
  • Nino's
    • $1,000 pie
      • served cold
      • with shaved lobster
      • and caviar
  • one of the best pies Dr. Colbert has ever had
  • Dr. Colbert burned off the
  • Serendipity 3
    • $1,000 sundae
      • has a carbon footprint
  • they've sold one a month in the "good times"
    • haven't sold one since November
  • for another $1,000 Dr. Colbert could have a poor person watch him eat it
    • could use more gold

Edition of September 15, 2008


This segment is for Platinum Members only. If you chew your own food, leave the room

  • Not many buyers for the Rick Springfield picture
    • still has money on his boat in Galveston, Texas
  • trophy wives do not stay on the mantle
    • Kate Moss golden statue
      • expressive
      • eats just a bit more than a supermodel
  • King picked his bried from 10,000 bare-breasted virgins, who paraded before him
  • perfect gift
    • wraps gifts in uncut sheets of U.S. currency
      • best gift ? a stack of Euros
  • Uncut sheet of $32 dollars is $55
  • will dab his tears not with $100 bills, but Lehman Brothers stock

Edition of August 6, 2008


  • Black Watermelon
  • First Inductee to Diamond Class Membership
    • unnamed Sheik who spent $40,000 for an oil change
  • Next time: latest in cosmetic surgery for food.
    • Raisins say goodby to those wrinkles

Edition of June 2, 2008


  • Platinum members only:
    • if you only get necessary surgery, flip over to Wheel of Fortune
  • Hard to get crew on your flights:
    • Boeing engineers have developed a pod for servants quarters that include bunk beads and seating
  • $175 hamburger
    • small price to pay to literally crap gold
  • Economic slow-down
    • Colbert White Gold
    • Video stamp developed by Cracker Jack engineers
      • $8.50/each
  • Stephen offers a stamp for premium members: an iPod nano that plays an entire episode of The Report, for only $149
  • money cannot buy happiness, but it can buy things that will make you happy

Edition of April 23, 2008

  • not a platinum, change the channel, QVC is doing an hour of dog sweaters
  • run over dolphins
  • can finally use underwater McDonalds
    • almost makes it seem oike food
  • Dinosaurs
    • Stephen could have bid for it drunk
    • Stephen wants something Jesus touched
  • luxury coffee
    • $4.00 is ridiculous, why can;t he pay more?
  • $100/cup
    • harvested from Indonesian cat poop
    • only thing more elite would be drinking it straight from the cat
  • Next Time: Mythical Creatures: Why Can't I Buy One?

Edition of March 11, 2008


International Edition

for Colbert Platinum, if you have never hunted a man for sport, if you have, this segment should allow your quarry an appropriate lead time

  • Liechtenstein
    • great secret tax shelter
    • Stephen's nemesis, Dr. Von Kluug (sp?)
    • Stephen has declared his home its own private principality
  • Counterfeit Ferraris

Edition of October 11, 2007

Kidz Edition


"If your school doesn't end in 'Prep,' 'Academy' or your own last name, run along."

  • Art Collections
  • Doll Houses
  • Papparazzi

Edition of September 19, 2007

Green Edition


Do your part to conserve energy by keeping the thermostats at 68 in the winter and 72 in the summer on your hovercraft.

Edition of August 22, 2007

  • St. Tropez
    • helicopters are noisy
    • alternative Imperial Walkers
  • Champagne Crunch (Champagne Jam)
    • India drinks alot
    • tech support guys are hammered on Cristal
    • spike the vine with growth hormones grapes the size of Barry Bond's head
  • Ermine and Mink controversy next time
    • Furminken ?

Edition of July 23, 2007


Private submersible business is booming.

Forces champagne bubbles directly into bloodstream

Polo ponies have horse herpes.

Edition of June 28, 2007

Best for signing pre-nuptual agreements

  • The number of luxury cars getting totalled is rising fast. Just rich people testing out their Louis Vuitton airbags.
    • The Vatican issued rules of driving, in which the Pope hates on the players because of his unpimped Popemobile
  • When making a shopping list of impossibly priced items, use the Montblanc Limited Edition Mystery Masterpiece fountain pen
    • Yours for the introductory price of $700,000
      • Warning, this pen may leak

Edition of June 12, 2007

I love you daddy!

  • A story that affects us all: a world wide shortage of butlers. Luckily, Reginald, Stephen's butler (since forever) warms all the doorknobs in his path. There is also a shortage of yacht crews.
  • For Father's Day, how about a $98 million dollar diamond encrusted platinum skull by artist Damien Hirst for Dad?

External Tubes


  1. Colbert Platinum and this page are for Platinum Colbert Nation members only. If you earn less than $2 million dollars a year, grab your bong and some Cheetos and switch over to Adult Swim