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Constitution of the United States of America
is part of the United States Federal Government.
Don't ask; asking only helps the terrorists.

The United States Constitution

The Constitution of the United States was written at a time in our history when men wore wigs. And not the William Shatner kind; these wigs were white and had curls.

The Constitution was supposed to be a bunch of laws everyone was supposed to agree on (like Wikipedia) but someone came up with the 10th Commandment which gave individual states the right to ignore whichever laws they wanted, so that was good.

People who interpret the Consitution fall into two camps: those who interpret the text literally, and pinko commies who want judges to legislate from the bench. Rembember, if something is not written in the Constitution, it's Un-American. That's because our founding fathers were infalliable, just like Stephen, The greatest President Ever, and the Pope. This means the Constitution is a great way to check whether something is Constitutional. Here are some examples:

  1. The Consitution doesn't mention the Internets, so any use of it is Unconstitutional. If the founding fathers knew about pornography they surely would have authored it differently.
  2. The Constitution says that blacks are 3/5 of a person, but only until about 1865 when they suddenly morphed from hobbits to humans, sort of like the bad guy in Terminator 2.
  3. The Constitution doesn't talk at all about abortion, homosexuals, schools, highways, or food, so naturally they are all Unconstitutional. So, of course, are bears.

Our greatest president, George W. Bush was right (as always) to say that the Constitution is an antiquated document and a suicide pact..

The Constitution has four basic parts:

  • the Preamble
  • the Articles
  • the Commandments
  • the Back Side

What follows is the United States Constitution as it was written in 1776.

American Law Series
Legal Documents
Lawmaking Bodies
Important Laws
Important Rulings


And on the 8th day God created the Constitution.

Our Father Who Art in Heaven, I Pledge Allegiance to the Flag
Of the United States of America
Into the Republicans for which It Stands
One Nation Under God,
Indivisible, with Liberty and Justice for All.


Article 1

The government shall be made up of one branch, the Executive, which shall consist of three parts:

Article 2

Whoever commands the stage at twelve noon on the 20th day of January, following the election on the first November of the previous year shall be PresidentEpisode #502.

A Vice President shall nominate himself to the Office of Vice President, whose name the President shall accept. The Vice President shall be a property-owning Christian man, no younger than 35 years of age at the time of his self-nomination and a citizen born in the United States.

The Vice President shall, from time to time, allow the President to make speeches and open shopping malls. The Vice President shall remain in seclusion for the duration of his term of 8 or so years (depends on how many terrorists want to hurt Americans) except in times of campaigning, fundraising or hunting.

The Vice President shall make the declaration of war, shoot down non-military aircraft and tell any member of Congress to go "fuck himself" and to shoot an elderly gentleman in the face at point-blank range with a musket from time to time.

The Vice President shall be the final word on the creation and implementation of new laws. If the Congress sends the Vice President a bill to sign into law that does not meet the Vice President's favor, he shall tell the whole of Congress to go "fuck itself" and ignore the dictates of the bill/law upon signing it.

Article 3

The Congress shall consist of two houses: an Upper house, the "Senate", and a lower house, the "House". Each state shall send 2 Senators to the Congress, for 6 years terms. Each state shall determine how many representatives to send to the Congress to represent the needs of it's territory and stack the deck as necessary.

An Congressman shall be of Christian property-owning status and no younger than 25 years of age at the time of his installment. He shall have terms no longer than 16.

The Congress shall convene every few days or so, weather permitting. Posturing and Pontificating at length, the Congress shall read and debate bills sent to them by the Vice President. With an occassional fist fight or gun battle, time allowing, Congress shall submit papers for the Vice President's pleasure when a quorum of audience is sufficiently met.

Article 4

The Court shall deliberate on cases brought to them in a timely fashion. Cash will speed things up considerably. The Supreme Court shall be the final arbitter of all cases in the land, receiving unsettled disputes from the state courts, if they cannot decide them for themselves, the lazy asses.

Some cases shall be civil in nature others shall be criminal. But all cases will favor the party in power. If enough money changes hands.

Article 5

The press shall be independent as long as they are not merged with a much larger more powerful competitor. The press shall transcribe news as it comes from the National Office of the Party in Power. Press conferences shall be held daily and questions may be asked but not necessarily answered. A Secretary shall be appointed to stand before a podium before the press and choose which members of the press shall ask questions and which ones past their prime get to sit at the back of the room.

Article 6

A police force shall be commandeered by the federal Government for the purpose of keeping America safe.

This force shall appear as a military, but with different hats. They shall have authority over all communications, and searches of person and property within their jurisdiction. If a citizen is found to have violated any law for which the officer has determined, the citizen shall be quaranteened until such time as a hearing before the court is set.

All means necessary will be used to determine the guilt or innocence of the detainee, until such time as the detainee confesses or drowns like the witch that she is.

The Court will determine based on the priorities set in this document which cases shall be heard and in what order:

  • Vice Presidential aides, personal friends, business partners.
  • Vice Presidential Party donors.
  • Property-owning Christian men.
  • all others as time allows and weather permits.

Article 7

The Congress shall levy taxes on it's citizens of non-Christian, non-property-owning status. These monies shall be distributed among parties of the Vice President's choosing.

National roads, schools, the federal police force, the Navy and other uses of taxes shall set their own budget as dictated by the Vice President.

If after taxes have been collected from taxable citizens, and further budget needs are required, the Vice President shall declare war, and increase taxes until all budgetary needs are met.

Article 8

Laws are made when the Congress receives a Bill from the Vice President, and Postures and Pontificates upon the assembled papers for no less than three 24-hour news cycles, if no other issues of import monopolize the people's attention.

After such time as the Congress has exhausted all scapegoats, the assembled papers are then returned to the Vice President for a Spectacle of Executive Signature.

If an Congressman has altered the Vice President's original document, the Vice President shall sign the bill as if to make a law, but include explanation of his displeasure and disappointment with said Congress and alteration of His words.

The Court shall approve the Vice President's Bill As Written, with Signature and Signing Statement affixed by the Vice President.

All parties shall remain until an offical scribe is able to set down an etching of the procedings.

Article 9

Assisting the Vice President in creating laws for the Nation will be lobbyists. Each corporation shall be represented by at least one lobbyist, and as many others as their budget shall allow.

Each lobbyist shall receive an Congressman from the Vice President. Each lobbyist shall hold one consecutive term of no less than 16 years or the term of their individual Congressman.

The lobbyist will then assist his Congressman with monies and language during the Posturing and Ponticifating phase of lawmaking.

Upon retirement a lobbyist shall receive a government office of the Vice President's choosing.

The Commandments

First Commandment

All shall smoke herb! And drink wine! That is the only way into Heaven!

Second Commandment

Public assholes will be neutralized with a mild elephant tranquilizer.

Third Commandment


Fourth Commandment

In sunny, clear sky conditions above 72F No female weighing less then 145lbs shall be allowed to wear any type of clothing on her chesticles.

Fifth Commandment

No more traffic!!!!

Sixth Commandment

Thou shalt not bogart that joint my friend!

Seventh Commandment

All citizens of non-Christian, non-property-owning status of the United States suffering an injury of calculable value shall petition a court for a trial to seek redress. Each trial shall be held before a jury of homeless or retired persons with much time upon their hands. Each side with business before the court shall argue their side and only certain information shall be brought before said jury.

The Court will have decided the case upon receipt of fees.

Eighth Commandment

No citizens of non-Christian, non-property-owning status of the United States shall expect the federal police force to have to choose between keeping America safe or protecting some person's rights. If a citizen has done nothing wrong, than the citizen has nothing to hide nor shall this citizen complain when proper police procedures are performed in the execution of protecting the Nation's well-being. If said citizen is displeased with any occurance, said citizen shall take refuge in France.

Ninth Commandment

No citizens of non-Christian, non-property-owning status of the United States shall have privilege over Christian, property-owning citizens of the United States. Nor shall the non-Christian, non-property-owning enjoy any privilege not enumerated in this document.

Tenth Commandment

Any state admitted in the Union of the United States shall determine exclusive laws within their boundaries, without regard to the laws of another state.

The Back Side

To find Abe Lincoln's gold, you know it in your gut. I am not going to tell you, you lazy bum!

DR. STEPHEN T. COLBERT DFA, from the state of Colbert

GEORGE WASHINGTON, from the state of Washington

BEN FRANKLIN, from the state of Franklin

ABRAHAM LINCOLN, from the state of Lincoln

KING GEORGE III, from the state of Georgia

ANN COULTER, from the state of Coulter

GLENN BECK, from the state of Beck

RONALD REAGAN, from the state of Reagan

See Also

External Tubes