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Cornholism is a gutteral, and perhaps even anal, truth enterprise whose visionaries span a variety of academic fields, such as theology, journalism and political science. It has lately made strides, though regretably only as an intellectual exercise, in Gender Studies circles. Taking its name from the inventor of teeth and American founding father, one Robert Cornhole, the enterprise has acquired such noteworthy advocates as Joseph Smith, Robert Bork, Sean Hannity, Pat Robertson, Glenn Beck and the blessed and worshipful Stephen Colbert.


I love cornhole

Even Joe Six-Pack has embraced Cornholism.

The first self-professed Cornholist was Joseph Smith, the prophet-founder of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. Smith posited that Robert Cornhole was, far from being merely the inventor of teeth, as well the primary American founding father and the model heterosexual. It was therefore, Smith argued, that "...our Cornhole is the creator's most worshipful gift. Verily, I, nay, we're all cornholes awaiting the coming of cornholistry."

For nearly two hundred years Smith's attraction to Cornhole was an understudied phenomenon. Cornholism remained an esoteric branch of knowledge and cornholists forbade themselves from coming out to speak about Cornhole in public. That all changed when Stephen Colbert, may his name be praised, revealed one of the central figures in the erection of America, to say nothing of the direction of the world. In March of 2009 Stephen Colbert decreed that Robert Cornhole was a founding father.


Stephen Colbert's revelation that Cornhole was a founding father has inspired what has come to be known, in gutteral academic circles, as the Cornhole-thesis. It posits that Robert Cornhole was, as Smith had discovered, the primary American founding father, but also the only genuine American prophet and the guiding personality for the greatness of America. Sean Hannity, having already founded his fellowship of Great Americans, adopted the Cornhole-thesis as the central tenant of his fellowship. All of this was documented in Hannity's book "Cornholed: The Gay Liberal Academic Agenda for America." As Hannity saw it, the Cornhole-thesis was becoming un-American and Robert Cornhole's name was being "sodomized" because gay liberal academics were "pervsely interpreting the word cornhole." As it was, some of the Gender Studies intellectuals had raised the possibility that during the Adams presidency, or during Cornhole's so called "missing years," Robert Cornhole had retreated from leadership posts in Washington to pursue a life of flamboyant homosexuality in Atlanta. Of course, anyone who knew their Cornhole knew this wasn't true. And because no one at the time knew Cornhole better than Hannity, Sean let it all hang out when he thrust into the debate. Said Hannity: "Robert Cornhole was never being gay in Atlanta. During his missing years he was on the frontiers bringing Indians to Christ and engaging heathen chiefs in duels."

Cornhole ControversyEdit


Proof that Robert Cornhole was bringing Indians to Christ during the missing years. This image dates from the ante-Cornholistry age.

Controversy ensued when Rush Limbaugh, himself an initial member of the Great Americans fellowship and as well a vociferous advocate of Cornholism, interpreted the word "cornhole" to mean "sodomy." Limbaugh questioned the Cornhole-thesis, itself the central tenant of the Great Americans' liturgical code, and argued that because Stephen Colbert, the blessed and worshipful, had revealed to the public that Robert Cornhole was a founding father he had revealed sacred American truths to a profane and greatly un-American public characterized by "sodomites" and "false-cornholists". Seeking to obscure the truths of Cornholism from the mob of un-Great Americans, Limbaugh criticized the Cornhole-thesis on his radio program by stating: "The name Cornhole is too gay to be American, folks. And whether or not Republicans bend over backward or forward for a black president, it is clear to me that anyone who cherishes the name Cornhole is tacitly, nay, passively submitting to a perverse form of Cornholism. We all know Cornholism has been used by liberal academics to defend sodomy. We all know that sodomy is un-Great and thus un-American. We all know that black presidents, to say nothing of black politicians, are sodomites. We all know that we might be Cornholists but we reject the thesis that Cornhole, in his cornhole of cornholes, ever cornholed any cornholes." In a flurry of apologies, GOP operatives, including GOP leader Michael Steele apologized to Rush for "perversities unspeakable." But on his own show, Sean Hannity responded: "The vacuum in Republican leadership has allowed a mean-spirited, lard-assed talk radio mind corpse to become de-facto leader, turning an already crippled party into a bickering laughing stock. And to call into question the Cornhole-thesis is un-American. Apparently Rush has forgotten to read my book, "Cornholed: The Gay Liberal Academic Agenda for America," where I clear up all uncertainties regarding the accusation that Robert Cornhole was ever a flamboyant homosexual. This is a crisis for Great America, my friends, but we must be vigilant in times of rampant intellectual sodomy and resolve that, while we may after all be gutteral, even anal Cornholists, we certainly aren't gay." Hannity did offer to lick Rush's crack on his broadcast a day later and Rush accepted. The two have planned a viagra-induced Cornhole ceremony in the Dominican Republic, but Hannity has yet to offer a statement as to whether Rush will be reinitiated into the Great Americans fellowship. And what's more, the meaning of Cornhole is still a matter of debate. After all: "What does it mean," Pat Robertson once asked Jesus. "To call oneself a Cornholist?"

Glenn Beck's Revolutionary CornholismEdit

In resonse to the Cornhole Controversy, a prominent Cornhole Literalist and member of the Mormon Church, one Glenn Beck, has sought to remedy the Cornhole Controversy and the crisis in the fellowship of Great Americans by calling upon Stephen Colbert, may his name be praised, to prophecy concerning the matter. Beck has called upon Colbert to "submit to the wisdom of Cornholism and to put on the seer stones so that he might translate our Great American Cornhole Scriptures and return our Great American fellowship, our great enterprise of truth, to prominence as the great Joseph Smith Himself, another in the lineage of Great Americans, once led the Great and the un-Great alike when the world was dark, uncornholy and extraordinarily gay." Some, among them the Cornhole analyst Wolf Blitzer, have argued that "Beck's penetrating doctrine of Cornholism is revolutionary. His response is perhaps the most climactic insertion of wisdom into the Cornhole's history which Cornholists have yet bent forward for in ecstatic praise."

Existence of Cornhole ScripturesEdit

The existence of Cornhole Scripture is a subject of frictional debate but at present it appears to be coming into gutteral vision. As it is, Glenn Beck's initiation into The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and reputed access to the coveted but hermetically preserved Journals of Joseph Smith lead most Cornholists to believe that a rebirth of Cornholism is on the horizon and that, if Beck's call to Colbert is heard, Cornholism may very well save America from the "uncornholy minorities, the uncornholy poor, the uncornholy homocorns, the liberals, the gays and the Muslims." Though he desires to remain anonymous, one researcher in Cornhole tradition and expert in Cornhole practice at The Center for Advanced Cornhole Studies in Atlanta, Georgia, has stated that: "We musn't forget that Cornhole was there when Cornhole himself founded America, that Cornhole was there when Smith founded Cornhole, that Cornhole was there when Hannity discovered greatness and Beck discovered Cornhole, nay, we musn't forget that we're all Cornholes at heart and that by erecting our cornhole of cornholes toward the dawn, toward the morning in America, we will receive the seeds of Cornholism, we will know the essence of Cornhole and discover the seat of our selves. Verily, the Corhnole Scripture is! And we, all of our Cornholes, trumpet the coming! Take up thy cornhole and sing!"

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