Dr. Noelle Bush wrote a prescription for

There's plenty more where that came from...
is hippie-related, and not groovy to The Baby Jesus.
It's too late to pray for Drugs!
Drugs are doomed!
Are of their father the Devil!

Illegal Drugs, one of the worst discoveries of man-kind. They're also illegal. They send you and your first born child straight to hell. The government realizes this and has made every effort to make them completely inaccessible, incuding changing the Constitution, which God decided "needed to be done anyways".

U.S. Federal Drug ClassificationsEdit

Homemade DrugsEdit

Smack or heroin is a semi-synthetic derivative of opium which is harvested from poppy plantations throughout the world in an effort to replace God as the opiate of the masses.

US President Theodore Roosevelt was the grandson of an opium trader in Southern China, sailing Clippers from left-wing, Satan-worshiping, Earth-anus Massachusetts to Canton in the 1800s.



Over-the-counter-culture DrugsEdit

DramaticQuestionMark Did you know...

With its kilos and grams, illegal drugs are yet another way in which children learn about the evil Metric System?

Some drugs that can be purchased without a valid prescription can get you fucked up too, but probably not in the way you want.

  • DXM makes you tired, numb, and other weird stuff, and can cause brain damage liberalism if used in excessive amounts or over a prolonged period of time.
  • Benadryl and other antihistamines will make you sleepy, dries out your skin like fuck, and can induce anticholinergic delirium in high doses, which you will never hear about in the news but is so much scarier than terrorism, no joke.
  • Pseudoephedrine will make you type really fast, but won't make you feel any better about the fact that you're 20 and still living at home and going to community college. Plus, methamphetamine, which apparently will make you feel at least somewhat better about basically everything, can be made from pseudoephedrine, and everyone knows that 1mg of meth = 100 baby Jesus corpses. Think about it kids. That being said, methamphetamine is available by prescription for fat fuckers and spastic kids, so it appears that the FDA really is our guardian angel after all.
  • Codeine can suppress the coughing reflex and isn't available without a valid prescription in the United States because it can potentially lead to short-term happiness, non-aggression, and a severe case of "oh shit my skin itches!"

Most OTC drugs that have recreational liability are mixed with other substances to "deter misuse," so that by the time you're high, your liver has already ODed committed blasphemey.

Remember, the FDA is here to protect you. So just believe it, or else your 9th grade health teacher will make you believe it.

Prescription DrugsEdit

(See also: Prescription Psychotropic Medications)

Some drugs were placed on the earth with safer chemical properties so that scientists could find them and (for a fee) hand them off to people in need of relief from their pain. However, to avoid the pussification, this should only be done in severe cases.

Behind-the-counter DrugsEdit

Behind-the-counter drugs is a way to free medicine from the greedy clutches of doctors and other socialists so that Americans may better enjoy the fruits of free market and God's gift of capitalism.

Dirty Hippie Drug ClassificationsEdit

The relationship between drug use and liberalism is paradoxical. Everyone knows that liberalism leads to drug use, drug use causes brain damage (this is your brain on drugs: [1]), and brain damage leads to liberalism. The relationship between drug use and the liberal mind remains unknown, as it is unclear which came first: the liberal drug fiend, or the brain-damaging drugs it seeks. Trustworthy sources do tell us, however, that America-hating liberals procure the drugs they desperately crave from terrorists. In these transactions, treasonous addicts exchange highly enriched uranium for:

  • hallucinogens
  • empathogens
  • stimulants
  • dissociatives
  • deliriants
  • opiates
  • sedative-hypnotics
  • inhalants


Hallucinogens, also known as psychedelics, are among the most dangerous substances known to man. Orville Reddenbacher, Adolf Hitler and Barry Goldwater were known users. While incapable of causing death by overdose, they create elaborate delusions known as "trips" in which people may experience contact with gods that are not Jesus. This can, however, lead to eternal death from living a life as a godless heathen. Other effects of hallucinogens include sensory distortion, time distortion, ego dissolution, sweating, dilated pupils, music tasting like colors, and things which God didn't intelligently design your brain to be able to describe.

Hallucinogens include:

  • LSD and its analogs - LSD and Jane Fonda cost us Vietnam.
  • Ibogaine - This drug is used by pagans during virgin sacrifices and occasionally by medical professionals who think the "facts" show it is useful in treating addiction.
  • Diet Soft Drinks - The drug of choice for obese single people. Make you believe it doesn't taste like crap.
  • DMT and related tryptamines - Substituents at the 2 or 5 position of the indole, alpha to the nitrogen atom of the amine "tail," or substituents of the nitrogen itself can dramatically alter the ability of these compounds to turn you into a gay terrorist.
    • Psilocin and Psilocybin - These compounds bear special recognition because they are found in the mushrooms that grow on hippies' unwashed feet. It is recommended that you stay at least 10 meters from hippie feet at all times, otherwise you risk permanent brain damage.
    • N,N-Diisopropyltryptamine - Instead of seeing demons, this drug causes users to hear them.
  • Mescaline and related phenethylamines - Depending on how the phenethylamine is substituted, these compounds may behave like a stimulant, a psychedelic, both, or neither. There are several excellent resources cesspools teeming with subversive deviants where one can find information on the synthesis and effects of specific phenethylamines.
  • Harmaline and its relatives - Though they are psychoactive in their own right, these drugs are used to inactivate the monoamine oxidase enzyme that God gave you to keep you from talking to his competition while on DMT. They are ingredients in Ayahuasca, a drink that will send you to hell quicker than a Judas Priest record played backward on Easter.
  • Salvinorin A and its relatives - This unconventional hallucinogen acts on a type of opiate receptor and is found in the plant Salvia divinorum. Interestingly, most specimens of Salvia divinorum are clones propagated from a sample taken by Albert Hoffman, the KGB agent who invented LSD at Stalin's request. Make no mistake, these clones have been bred with one purpose: to kill you. Many good men have been sidetracked from their charge of exposing the New World Order by the "great" idea of first doing some salvia.
  • Cannabinoids - The first members of this class were isolated from the Marihuana plant but many extremely potent synthetic cannabinoids are known. Upstanding members of society fear these synthetic cannabinoids may help hippies evade drug tests, but they're not looking for jobs anyway so who cares? THC is the best known compound in this family, but there are many others being created by Illuminati scientists who want you to be too stoned to realize you're being sent to a FEMA camp. Doctors and people who go by the title "doctor" for the hell of it both classify cannabinoids as hallucinogens. See also: Marijuana
  • Toads - Breed 'em and taste 'em.


Various drugs, most notably MDMA, are called "empathogens" because they cause users to become more aware of physical sensations and emotional states a flaming homosexual. MDMA has been successfully tested as an adjunct to psychotherapy a chemical weapon that causes rapid, irreversible gayness in humans and large mammals.


Stimulants are among the most widely abused drugs on earth. According to the Infallible Word of our nation's National Institute of Drug Abuse, caffeine is the only stimulant which it is permissible or safe to use, unless you have a doctor's note.

Stimulants include:

  • Caffeine - Well into the process of creating the universe, God created coffee because he hadn't slept in 9 billion years five days and still needed to create humans. Sleep deprivation is how you got your appendix.
  • Cathinone - This is a relative of the amphetamines and the DEA doesn't like it. That is all you need to know.
  • Nicotine - Smoke 'em if you got 'em. See also: Secondhand Smoking Hoax
  • Ginsenosides - These are believed to be the active compounds in ginseng root. Prescott Pharmaceuticals is currently in the process of producing these compounds in a convenient suppository form. Side effects include full-body prolapse, subacute sclerosing testicular diaphoresis, projectile diarrhea, restless prostate syndrome, oligodendro-3-endo-gotta-have-a bimbo syndrome, sudden death, undeath, and a hunger for human brains.
  • Methamphetamine - This is the preferred drug of the educated white liberal.
  • Amphetamine - This is methamphetamine's wimpy cousin.
  • Cocaine - This is a hell of a drug. Do not believe what the organic chemists tell you about protonated amines and free bases. Crack and cocaine are entirely different things. Cocaine is distributed by Mexican drug cartels to keep the white man up all night while crack is distributed by the CIA to keep the black man down forever. See also: The High Snow Lord of the Blowlands


Dissociatives cause the mind and all external information to become separated.

Dissociatives include:

  • DXM - A legal cough suppressant, this drug is favored by highschoolers trying to get their kicks and environmentalists who can't bear the thought of smoking a plant. May also turn you into a dwarf and/or mantis.
  • Ketamine - Makes Dubstep sound really really good, and will kill you.
  • PCP - This drug was originally intended to be used as an anesthetic for large animals. Later, people discovered that it could create memorable episodes of COPS.
  • Male Cat Urine - Known as "cheese" on the street, the numerous psychoactive peptides in the urine-like secretions of threatened male cats can cause complete detachment from reality. Users who describe their experiences invariably relate incoherent accounts of many large, supple breasts.


During the 1980's, Ronald Regan first discovered the subliminal drug messages being placed into video games. The "Mario mushroom," also known as the Fly Agaric or Amanita muscaria, is part of a subtle message being sent by the Japanese to corrupt the moral fiber of our great nation. Mario Bros. is a gateway drug.

Deliriants include:

  • Anticholinergics - These may be found in over the counter medications like Benadryl or natural sources like Jimsonweed or the Fly Agaric.
  • Jenkem - This drug goes by many names, including butt hash and the felcher's fix. To make Jenkem, urine and feces are placed into a plastic container and allowed to ferment in direct sunlight. During this process, a gas is produced and it is collected in a balloon or other device. Users inhale it and experience a mild euphoria before vomiting.


See main article: Religion

Invented by the British during their glorious conquest of China, opium has contributed many chilled-out members to the Prescott Pharmacopoeia. Opium is not to be confused with Fauxpium, which is nothing more than a kind of incense popular in pagan regions of the Indian subcontinent.

  • Raw Opium - Prescott Pharmaceuticals may not make money by selling opium, but they do it anyway. Why? Because they love America. By selling opium at a loss, Prescott undercuts the Taliban and keeps you safe.
  • Heroin - Along with morphine and codeine, heroin is the third major component of opium. It is the most potent and also the most addictive, which is why Prescott Pharmaceuticals includes small doses in all of their medications. The best customer is a frequent customer.
  • Synthetic opiates - Thanks to the miracle of modern chemistry, it is now possible to mass produce opiates hundreds of times more potent than morphine. What could possibly go wrong? Absolutely nothing.


  • Barbiturates - Anyone who lived through the 1970's remembers ludes if they didn't do them. They also remember the liberal media's crusade against one of our greatest leaders, President Nixon. Barbiturates can be used medicinally as anything from an anticonvulsant to an anesthetic. One of these drugs is the first and least necessary ingredient of a morally-justifiable lethal injection.
  • Benzodiazepines - Xanax is the best known member of this group. These drugs will make you not care about whatever it is you don't want to care about.
  • Non-benzodiazepine agonists of the benzodiazepine receptor - Commonly prescribed as sleep aids, these drugs are especially fun to use because you won't have any memory of driving to Burger King and ordering food in your sleep, but when you burp in the morning it will taste like a Whopper. Cool, right?
  • Propofol - This drug will turn your piss green. For this reason, Supreme Leader Ayatollah Khamenei has declared Propofol to be a clandestine supporter of Moussavi and a threat to the glorious Islamic Revolution. The world's supply of Propofol was to be detained in Evin prison last June, but the American musician Michael Jackson managed to sour Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's "victory" by injecting a large quantity of the drug directly into his bloodstream.
  • GHB - It is alleged by various socialist elements in this country that Glenn Beck dosed a young girl with this drug before raping and murdering her in 1990. Beck, ever a bulwark of righteousness in an otherwise dark world, has refused to dignify these false accusations with a response.
  • Kava - Do not mix with alcohol.
  • Alcohol - Mixes well with everything.


Practically any volatile organic liquid can get you high if you pour it onto a rag and breathe the fumes. Knock yourself out. Literally.

  • Diethyl ether - There is nothing more depraved than a man in the depths of an ether binge.
  • Nitrous oxide - This gas is a viable alternative to whiskey when it comes to dental procedures, but it helps wimpy Japanese cars go as fast as Real American cars. It is also sold in balloons at exorbitant prices to dirty hippies. This drug is mostly evil.
  • Solvents - As stated earlier, the sky (or cardiac arrest) is the limit when it comes to organic solvents.
  • Oxygen - This gas is extremely dangerous. It was consumed in massive quantities by genocidal atheists like Pol Pot, Mao, Stalin, and Hitler.

"Medical" MarijuanaEdit

The Baby Satan has a special place in hell for
and YOU just for visiting this internets tube!

See main article: Marijuana

Proponents of medical marijuana need to face it, they're simply hiding behind Grandma's oxygen tank. The real reason why they're pushing pro-pot legislation is so they can suck on a thai stick and watch the walls begin to pulse and breathe.

Reasons Why Drugs Are BadEdit


An uncoordinated poor lad indulging in drugs and who will never amount to anything

  • girls forget where they are and may have sex with unAmericans (or other girls)
  • drugs make you forget ... stuff
  • drugs make you eat fatty foods
  • doing drugs can lead to more dangerous activities, such as dancing
  • in some communities, drugs are expensive
    • in these communities, local drug dealers make their own, lower quality versions of the imported street drugs
  • the wrong people make money off the distribution and sales of drugs
  • drugs promote communism
  • smoke that pot and you will automatically converted to Islam, next thing you know you are bombing cars on California in the name of Islam![2]

Reasons Why Drugs Are GoodEdit

See main article: Lie.

Illegal Drug FactoidsEdit


Smoking drugs has a debilitating effect on a person's youth, the girl pictured definitely started smoking in 7th grade. She's now a sophomore in high school.

  • If you haven't yet figured out that Jesus Christ was the biggest pot head who ever lived, you probably still think that Marijuana is a "narcotic" that can cause "insanity" and "violence".
  • The War On Drugs has been great success in the last three decades, much like the liberation of Iraq from Al-Qaeda leader Saddam Hussein.
  • Teenagers and young adults who are foolishly pressured into doing drugs are weak and easily impressionable by those they know fairly well. The healthy way to solve this is by filming an actress, celebrity or Real American they don't know in front of a camera for 15 seconds to pressure them into doing the cool thing, by not doing drugs.
  • Lets face it, the majority of the kids that do drugs are cool. Obviously. Please, live above the influence by getting used to not being cool...or loved.
  • By doing drugs, you will slowly lose bone density until at which point you become a puddle of skin on the sofa. In this state, you are highly vulnerable to spineless democratic views.
  • Colbert does not do drugs. They are illegal and he does not want to be on the bad side of the Baby Jesus.
  • Marijuana can cause devastating side effects including; bodily deflation, running over small children on bikes, rape, forgetting siblings at basketball games, and not being cool.
  • Colbert really does take drugs, like, c'mon. If you don't think so, you're probably on drugs too and just don't know it.
  • The Swiss are weird about drugs. [3]

Famous people who did drugs and the drugs that they did doEdit

  • Rick James, musician--everthing
  • Carl Sagan, astrologer astronomer--marijuana
  • Stephen Jay Gould, evolutionary biologist satanist--"medicinal" marijuana
  • Elvis Presley, musician--barbituates, alcohol, Ex-Lax
  • The Beatles, musicians--amphetamines, marijuana, LSD, peyote, yoga
  • Rush Limbaugh, radio host--allegedly used synthetic, legal opiates
  • Moses, prophet--smoked "burning bush" (caused him to outlaw adultery which, as it should be, is still thankfully legal in the US)
  • Elmo, Muppet--PCP
  • Benjamin Netanyahu, Neo Nazi-- everything, along with Rick James
  • George W Bush, greatest president ever--alcohol, marijuana, cocaine
  • Kerry Mullis, Nobel Prize-winning biologist satanist--LSD

Hfddvdvsddsdsdds Some users hallucinate and see this as an encouragement to keep at it.

Legal Drugs (The Really Good Sh#t!)Edit

External TubesEdit