Baby Jesus
Full Metal Jacket
Makes The Baby Jesus™ Happy
And that Makes Stephen happy, too!
Full Metal Jacket- 1987

Directed By: Stanley Kubrick

Written By: Gustav Hasford (Based on his novel)
Distributed By: Warner Bros. Pictures
Release Date: June 26, 1987
Length: 116 minutes
Memorable Quotes: Me so horny.

Full Metal Jacket is a kick ass war movie about a bunch of commie killing American men who go through boot camp and Vietnam.

Main PlotEdit

The story revolves around Joker, who at first seems like a cool, cut-up smart ass, but later proves to be a merciful pussy.

The movies starts in boot camp where Joker receives his neat nickname from an all-American drill sergeant who resembles our wonderful Stephen in many ways. He loves the Baby Jesus and America with all of his soul, just like Stephen. Anyways, Senior Drill Instructor Gunnery Sergeant Hartman constantly taunts and abuses a dumb fat guy named Leonard, who Hartman cleverly names Private Gomer Pyle.

So the fat guy takes it personally and the night before they are supposed to leave the training facility, he shoots the Drill Instructor and takes his own commie life. Joker, unfortunately has to witness this Un-American in its entirety with horror. This, however, would prepare him for the rest of the movie in Vietnam.

In Vietnam, Joker manages to meet up with his old buddy, Cowboy, who has made a couple of cool friends. Animal Mother, is one cool bastard and he proves to be the most American man in Vietnam.

So the story goes on... bla bla bla until they reach the sweet ass sniper scene. First they send out the black man, EightBall, to see if the area ahead is clear. Apparently, it wasn't. EightBall is shot at un-mercilessly by an unseen sniper. Doc Jay, some white dude, goes in to save his black friend against Cowboy's orders. He gets shot too.

So, seeing that they need to save their comrades, they move in slowly and are planning the attack when Cowboy is murdered too. Now, Animal Mother takes command and they finally find the sniper that has been annoying them for so long. Guess What! It's a chick that has been shooting at them all of this time. And she's trying to shoot at Joker when she is shot down by some dude named Rafterman.

Down and almost out, she prays and then begs the men to finish her off. Now, a true American would have left her for the mother-lovin' rats like Animal Mother had intended, but Joker, being the pussy that he is, allows a mercy killing.

So in the end, war rules, people die, and life goes on. Good movie, GOOD movie.

"...This movie was made while I was president and if I hadn't been so busy breaking down walls, I could have played Joker."
~ Ronald Reagan's Ghost


  • Joker
  • Cowboy
  • Rafterman
  • Animal Mother
  • Eightball
  • Doc Jay
  • Gunnery Sergeant Hartman
  • Leonard "Gomer Pyle" Lawrence

Likenesses to StephenEdit


Is that Stephen? No, it couldn't be, could it?

Sure, you're thinking What does an old Vietnam movie have to do with our glorious Stephen? Well, I guess some are just slower than others. It's obvious that our glorious defender of truthiness is avidly portrayed by two of the movie's major characters.

Gunnery Sergeant Hartman

  • Love war
  • Hate commies
  • Both rule with an iron fist
  • Love Jesus

Animal Mother

  • Both dangerous with guns
  • Both hate bears, I think

All American MovieEdit

Now, I don't know if there is an All American Movie Award on Wikiality, but if there is, this movie is now the front running nominee. It's use of war to separate the pussies from the real men (George W. Bush) is a great reference to real life. I am, however, disappointed that these men worked so hard to save each other that they failed to win the war in Vietnam. It only shows how some people value themselves over their countries. Disgusting!

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