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Abandon Truthiness All Ye Who Enter This Internets Tube!
"Global Warming"
discusses one of the Liberal's Ridiculous Theories and Notions.


Like Al Gore's An Inconvenient Truth,
the global warming myth began as a movie.

Global Warming, like The Internets, is a complex consumer confidence scam put forth onto the American public by Al Gore and the Weather Channel. Al Gore claims that we will all die the day after tomorrow if we do not give him lots of money to invest into so-called "green" technologies. This is really an attack on Stephen Colbert because he knows the real threat we face — the bear uprising of 2012. Colbert knows the truth and Mr. Gore wants to silence this superior essays.


Origin of The Myth

Everything you heard about the Vast Worldwide Global Warmist Conspiracy is absolutely true![1][2]

The global warming "theory" was created by a cabal of liberal secular climate scientists, who held a series of secret meetings with Al Qaeda to draw up the Ultimate Plan to Destroy American Civilization.

With the help of nefarious forces such as bears, this Satanic coalition created a gigantic unholy edifice, the Scientific Establishment, whose aim was to discredit capitalism and facilitate a New World Order of Islamo-Communism — all by spreading the cruel lie of global warming. This Scientific Establishment then proceeded to create an oppressive hierarchy of inquisitors called the "IPCC",[3] whose function was to spread the Word of Satan and burn disbelievers at the stake.

The Movie that Wasn't a Movie

This unchristian movement reached its peak when Al Gore created his anti-American "movie", An Inconvenient Truth. While this "movie" was in fact truth nothing more than a long Apple Macintosh Keynote PowerPoint presentation, it did succeed in scaring lots of little children into believing that they may die the next day. The "movie" also brainwashed many well-intentioned Americans into thinking that global warming is very real, that it is caused by carbon emissions from God-loving, capitalism-loving companies, and that Al Gore is a good man who will save everyone. Despite being only a fancy slideshow, the liberal elite in hollywood gave it an Oscar, while blatently snubbing 8 year old Cooper Anderson's show-and-tell titled How I spent my summer vacation. (Sidenote: Cooper had a fabulous summer!)

The Satanic Church of Global Warmism

And thus, global warming soon became a religion in its own right — a church! Al Gore was the pope and prophet of doom of this new church; the "IPCC" were its high priests and book-burners; and its street preachers were the Liberal Media and the hippie tree-huggers who continually chanted the false mantra of "global warming", and tried to foster guilt trips in you and me by showing pictures of innocent-looking furry animals and snazzy-looking tables and diagrams.[4]

Artist's impression of Mann et al.'s "hockey stick" graph, a sacred object within the Global Warmism Church which none are allowed to speak of.[5]

This newly-formed Church of Global Warmism was very powerful indeed. Within a few months, it quickly rose in prominence to become one of the most well-known branches of the Church of Our Father Below. The godless sodomites of Babylon ignored the heavy snowfall in the east and gave An Inconvenient Truth a miniature golden idol for the tree-huggers of America to kneel down to. The Nobel Committee pledged their allegiance to Lucifer, by awarding a Nobel Prize jointly to the evil "IPCC" and Gore.[6] Even Christians were being conned into giving away all their money and worldly possessions to "help" the poor people "affected" by global warming.


Fortunately the forces of righteousness, led by Philip Morris and ExxonMobil, had not been slacking.[7] With their powers of Sound Science,[8] they successfully found the Plain Truth about global warming, and also uncovered Gore's diabolical plan to create a Dictatorial World Government by selling carbon credits.

Based on two data points, we conclude that global warming stopped in 1998 2007.[9]

Global Warming? What?

Indeed, even before Al Gore made his treasonous "movie", the righteous forces had conducted a series of rigorous scientific experiments on global warming, and found that global warming does not actually exist.

For one thing, the good scientists discovered that the so-called global warming "theory" was based merely on unholy things known as "climate models". The truthy truth, however, is that these "models" have been rigged to fit the actual historical climate in the first place, and even then the "models" do not fit the climate data at all! Truly, God is Great!

Global Warming, Not Our Fault

Not only did our righteous scientists find that global warming does not exist; they also found that global warming does exist, and the main cause is not carbon emissions from American companies; more precisely, they found that the main cause of global warming is

It's the sun, stupid! The findings of two scientists, Svensmark and Friis-Christensen, are featured in this screenshot from the patriotic film The Great Global Warming Swindle.[10]

In summary, each and every one of the above has been found to be the true culprit responsible for global warming which does not exist. (This may seem contradictory to a factonista, but recall that the Lord God works in mysterious ways.)

Furthermore, in December 2006, the planet started to grow cold, and this resulted in snow forcing many airports, notably Denver's, to close. The very existence of winter shows that not only is global warming not occurring, but that an ice age has settled in.

Global Warming is Good!

Global warming is Hot Hot Hot!

What is more, the forces of righteousness found that global warming — which does not exist — is actually an extremely good thing:

  • More money in ExxonMobil's pockets means more jobs for everyone.[14]
  • Burning of fossil fuels creates massive amounts of carbon dioxide, and plants love carbon dioxide.
  • Fewer polar bears at the North Pole means more land for Americans to live and work and play golf in.
  • Rising temperatures mean more warm places to vacation in, and more tanning days.
  • A melting icecap and the resulting rise in sea level lifts all boats!

This may contradict the thesis that global warming is caused by liberalism, and liberalism is bad. However, it can quickly be seen that global warming is only beneficial when caused by patriotic Americans; global warming caused by liberals, on the other hand, is always harmful.

DramaticQuestionMark.png Did you know...

...every time you preach climate alarmism, God kills a medical patient?[15]

The Empire of God Strikes Back: The Great Global Warming War

The First Epic Battle

Anyway, with the release of Gore's "movie", the forces of righteousness had to act fast. And they did — Praise the Lord! Using the arcane skills of the truthitician-necromancer, they amassed a mighty army of 400 scientists to wage war against Gore and the "IPCC". Alas, the 400 scientists were defeated by a couple of hippie liberals.[16]

The Second Epic Battle

In the first epic battle, the righteous side learnt that necromancy was not a very good technique, and in any case it was not particularly Christian. Therefore, for the second Global Warming Battle, they instead gathered a legion of 100 men, who were anointed personally by God as climate scientists. This turned out to be another victory for the forces of evil.[17]

What the Scientific Inquisition did to the four righteous scientists.

The Third Epic Battle

Truly, the climatology credentials granted by God were powerful, but still not enough to overcome the credentials of Satan's legions. For the third battle, the righteous side sent out a legion of 4 climate scientists — Douglass, Pearson, Singer, and Christy.[18] Unfortunately, the brave scientists were burnt at the stake for various scientific technicalities which none of us should need to know about.[19][20]

The Fourth Epic Battle

After the sacrifice of the four scientists, the forces of good — following the example of freedom-loving Galileo — decided to wipe out the sinful theory of global warming by invoking the power of American law. This power, however, never materialized.[21]

The Fifth Epic Battle

At this point, in came a knight in shining armor to rescue the individualist damsels in distress — The Skeptical Environmentalist, a chivalrous book by truthitician Bjørn Lomborg.[22] Lomborg's book challenged Gore's "movie" to a duel; the result, alas, was that Lomborg lost the duel, though this was probably because the duel was adjudicated by the treasonous knave Kåre Fog.[23]

Quote open clear3.gif Their [the polar bears'] only option would be this summer lifestyle. So this is what they can do. Yes, this is not going to be easy, but this is exactly what they can do. Quote close clear2.gif
~Bjørn Lomborg

2008 — A New Generation of Godly Warfare

The Climate Realists adopted this big honking megaphone as their conference logo, to symbolize their commitment to truth and inquiry.[24]

The 2008 International Conference on Climate Change

In 2008, the forces of righteousness underwent a reorganization, assembled in New York City under the auspices of the Heartland Institute, and rebranded themselves as the defenders of Climate Realism .[25][26] This courageous act shows the world that the great armies of ExxonMobil are here to save the day, and that they are prepared to defend reality to the death against the onslaught of the evil factists, fact-huggers, and factonistas!

During this historic event, known as the "2008 International Conference on Climate Change", participants exercised their patriotic duty by launching freedom-loving attacks against Al Gore and the Treasonous Left. Indeed, this conference was of such a historic, epic scale, that none could fail to remember its key message:

Quote open clear3.gif John Coleman Is Going To Sue Al Gore! Quote close clear2.gif

Revenge of the Tithe

This, however, did nothing to stop the forces of Stalinism, who quickly responded with a Satanic paper claiming that the world must completely stop carbon emissions within decades in order to stop global warming.[27] Even though their work is based on "climate models" — which automatically means it is wrong — the Mainstream Media still decided to run it![28] This clearly shows that the Liberal Media Fear Engine is in cahoots with the Satanic Church of Global Warmism to suppress debate!

DramaticQuestionMark.png Did you know...

...Al "Fat Al Bore the Great Satan Who Beds Gaia" Gore was behind the mysterious death of the great patriotic scientist Fred Seitz?[29]

A Devastating Truth About Cap-and-Trade!

At this moment, the soldiers of righteousness discovered a shocking, earth-shattering truth: they found that the liberals' "carbon cap-and-trade" proposal to stop "global warming" is actually... a tax! [30][31] A few days later, Democrat Governor Kathleen Sebelius suppressed a bill to build two freedom-loving coal power plants in Kansas, `explaining' that[32]

Flag commie quote open.gif
With the increasing pressure for the federal government to develop national standards for carbon emissions, there is a high probability coal will become a lot more expensive in the next several years. ... Building additional coal plants now is likely to create a significant economic liability for Kansas in the future.
Flag commie quote close.gif
~ Kathleen Sebelius

Coincidence? Definitely not: this chain of events proves conclusively that that liberal pinkos are trying to steal our freedoms and bring death and destruction to America! Remember, taxation is death![33][34]

And the Struggle Continues

  • The Media Fear Engine reported that beer prices may go up due to global warming.[35]
  • A high-school senior screaming teenager Matthew LaClair claimed that a patriotic textbook on global warming was full of errors and bias, especially regarding global warming. What treason![36]
  • According to a survey, scientists think Al Gore is more reliable than the mainstream media.[37] How dare they!
  • China says she will "actively join" negotiations for a post-Kyoto climate change deal.[38] No!!!
  • US-British scientists found that ocean temperatures after 1945 were warmer than previously measured![39] Argh, begone, you facts!
  • An elitist warmist is working on a book on climatology.[40]
  • What, a global warming comedy? [41] Just another money-greedy warmist at work, of course...
  • Inquisitor James Hansen wants oil CEOs to be tried for "high crimes against humanity and nature"![42]
  • Leftist scientists used unnamed nefarious techniques to create the illusion that the Antarctic is actually warming![43]
  • Rogue reporter George Monbiot launched dishonorable attacks against capitalist value producer Shell Oil![44]
  • A traitorous New Zealander wrote a vicious ad hominem story and violated a non-warmaholic's academic freedom![45]
  • Liberals caused wildfires in Australia and turned around to blame them on man-made global warming! How dare they! Whatever the problem is, it is not our fault! [46]

While the forces of justice are currently at a disadvantage, we all know that with God's help, the tides will turn, and the great ExxonMobil will emerge victorious. God Bless America!

The Science of Global Warming

Global warming is a subject of science, and as such it involves complex-looking figures and equations such as

and big words such as "troposphere", "radiosonde", and "anthropogenic". Therefore, the best way to understand the research done on global warming is to read about the work of scientists filtered through

Indeed, after this rigorous scientific process, you will realize that the so-called global warming "theory" can easily be refuted with a simple theorem.

Theorem: God is Still Up There

This theorem, due to Senator Inhofe,[55] uses sound principles of Aristotlean logic to refute global warming.

"Energy independence" equals dependence on oil companies.[56] Feel the science, my friends! Feel the science!

The proof requires the following lemma:

Lemma Ω: God exists.[57]

This lemma is proven as follows:

Premise: God is great.
Premise: If God does not exist, then He is not great.
Conclusion: Therefore, God exists.

With this lemma in place, we can now lay out Inhofe's theorem:

Premise: God is great.
Lemma Ω: God exists.
Premise: If God allows global warming to destroy the earth, then He is not great.
Conclusion: Nixo facto, God will not allow global warming to destroy the earth.
Conclusion: Therefore, we need do nothing about global warming.[58] Which means...
Conclusion: Global warming is a myth. QED.


  1. F. Bi. 2008. Towards a genealogy of climate conspiracy theories. International Journal of Inactivism, 1:37—42.
  2. F. Bi. 2008. Further results in climate conspiracy genealogy. International Journal of Inactivism, 1:43—44.
  3. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change. 2007. IPCC Fourth Assessment Report (AR4).
  4. 2007. Bears Bear the Brunt of Global Warming. MotherJones Blog.
  5. 2007. Top 5 Climate "Skeptic" Red Herrings. DeSmogBlog.
  6. Thus the Nobel Prize has absolutely no credibility whatsoever, except when it is awarded to patriotic citizens such as James Watson and William Hammesfahr.
  7. The liberals, in typical treasonous fashion, have referred to Morris and ExxonMobil as fathers of a "denial industry":
  8. Note that Sound Science is totally different from Science, the latter being a pinko commie construct.
  9. John Cook. 2008. Global cooling: the new kid on the block. Skeptical Science.
  10. Friis-Christensen and his colleagues later complained that The Great Global Warming Swindle had added artificially fabricated data that were not in their 1995 paper; the scientists also said that no correlation was found between solar activity and global warming from 1985 on. This can only mean that they had been threatened by the Evil Scientific Establishment, and forced to recant their true individualist views!
  11. Russell Coker. 2007. War is Bad for the Environment.
  12. Dave Semeniuk. 2007. Divorce Your Spouse, Harm The Environment — or — "How an English King Killed The Planet 500 Years Ago". Terry*.
  13. John Quiggin. 2007. Prins and Rayner on Kyoto. Crooked Timber.
  14. All else being equal. Which will definitely not be the case, but do not tell anyone that.
  15. Tim Lambert. 2008. A forum for laundering pseudo-science, part 2. Deltoid.
  16. 2007. 400 Prominent Scientists Dispute Global Warming — Bunk. DeSmogBlog.
  17. 2007. 100 discredited, self-interested and/or deluded "scientists" question climate change. DeSmogBlog.
  18. D. H. Douglass, J. R. Christy, B. D. Pearson, and S. F. Singer. 2007. A comparison of tropical temperature trends with model predictions. International Journal of Climatology.
  19. 2007. Tropical tropospheric trends. RealClimate.
  20. Richard Littlemore. 2007. Singer's Deniers Misrepresenting New Climatology Journal Article. DeSmogBlog.
  21. Tim Lambert. 2007. Steve McIntyre and the Data Quality Act. Deltoid.
  22. Kevin Berger. 2007. Bjørn Lomborg feels a chill. The Salon.
  23. Kåre Fog. 2008. Bjørn Lomborg versus Al Gore. Lomborg-errors.
  24. Schedule for the "2008 International Conference on Climate Change".
  25. Kevin Grandia. 2008. DeSmog on the Ground for Denial-a-palooza. DeSmogBlog.
  26. National Wildlife Federation. 2008. Liveblogging the Heartland Institute's Global Warming Denier Conference. Daily Kos.
  27. H. D. Matthews and K. Caldeira. 2008. Stabilizing climate requires near-zero emissions. Geophysical Research Letters.
  28. Juliet Eilperin. 2008. CO2 output must cease altogether, studies warn. Washington Post.
  29. Thomas H. Maugh II. 2008. Frederick Seitz, 96; pioneering physicist disputed human link to global warming. Los Angeles Times.
  30. David Roberts. 2008. Eco:nomics: Presidential energy advisers, miscellania. Gristmill.
  31. David Roberts. 2008. Eco:nomics: Presidential energy advisors. Gristmill.
  32. Nicole Corcoran. 2008. Sebelius prevents and reduces pollutants with veto, executive order.
  33. David Roberts. 2007. It can be done. Gristmill.
  34. You didn't see anything.
  35. 2008. Beer prices could increase. The Sun.
  36. Nancy Zuckerbrod. 2008. Student Sees Problems With H.S. Text. The Associated Press.
  37. Trevor Butterworth. 2008. Al Gore trusted more than the media on global warming — by Climate Experts! STATS Blog.
  38. AFP. 2008. China to `actively join' climate talks along with Japan.
  39. Quirin Schiermeier. 2008. Post-World War II cooling a mirage. Climate Feedback.
  40. Ray Pierrehumbert. 2008. Principles of Plentary Climate (draft).
  41. Erik Hoffner. 2008. Sizzle this summer. Gristmill.
  42. Gareth Renowden. 2008. The denial twist. Hot Topic.
  43. ScruffyDan. 2009. Antarctic warming derangement syndrome.
  44. Kevin Grandia. 2009. George Monbiot cuts through Sheell Oil's PR spin. DeSmogBlog.
  45. Gareth Renowden. 2009. Monckton & the case of the missing Curry. Hot Topic.
  46. Mitchell Anderson. 2009. Scientists Link Climate Change and Wildfires. DeSmogBlog.
  47. Tim Lambert. NPR puff piece on Kristen Byrnes. Deltoid.
  48. F. Bi. 2008. Internet Goracularities: the "corn ethanol hoax" hoax. International Journal of Inactivism, 1:15—16.
  49. Tim Lambert. 2008. Roy Spencer says that if you don't admit that environmentalists are guilty of genocide then you are like a Holocaust denier. Deltoid.
  50. Text of the Lieberman-Warner Bill.
  51. 2008. US climate change bill is blocked. BBC News.
  52. John Coleman. 2008. Another view on climate change and global warming: Global Warming and the Price of a Gallon of Gas. Net Newsledger.
  53. Kevin Zelnio. 2008. Bush & McCain On Offshore Drilling: "There Is No Excuse For Delay". Deep Sea News.
  54. The Editors. 'The Lie After Tomorrow'. The Poor Man.
  55. Faiz. Inhofe: Don't Worry About Global Warming Because `God's Still Up There'. Think Progress.
  56. 2007. Exposing ExxonMobil, Part II. The Huffington Post.
  57. The Greek letter Ω is used here to give the proof an aura of gravitas.
  58. Note however that this reasoning does not apply to the War On Terror. Even though God will not let terrorists destroy our Free World, it is still our duty, our imperative, to actively fight Terror. And the global warming scam is of course a kind of Terror, which is why we must actively fight it. Even if God is still up there.

See Also

  The Good  
In God We Trust
  The Bad  

External Tubes

Know Thy Enemy

  Dirty Hippie Liberals who Do Not Bathe  
  The Media Fear Engine  
  Ivory-tower Elitist Academics  

In ExxonMobil God We Trust

  Freedom Science  
  The power of the Free Market  
  The power of the democratization of information  

The Islamic-Communist-Chinese-Hoax Connection

  The Hoax and The Myth  
Global Warming
is science-related, sending it straight to hell.