U R Here
Stephen from Knox
Has been featured on "The Colbert Report"
as a part of the "Better Know A Protectorate" segment.

U Aint Here
is not a Recognized State of the United States of America.
All the geography American schoolkids Need To Know.

See Also:

The "Great" Protectorate of GUAM
Capitol: Guamtopaless
State Flower: Bouganvilla
Official Language: Chamorro and English
State Bird: Cocoa Bird
State Motto: Malagamumu
Nickname: Chamorros
Governor: Felix Camacho
State Anthem: Where America's Day Begins
Population: Between 60,000 - 100,000
Standard MPH: 36.284372891043853ish
Principal imports: Bananas and banana flavored items
Principal exports: Beetle Nut
Principal industries: Not Made In Taiwan Co.
Fun Fact # 1: Killed Half of Ferdinand Magellans crew.
Fun Fact # 2: Actually has a working democratic goverment and not a dictatorship or a psycho leader like Kim Jong Il.


Guam was discovered by Indo Malaysian fishers who created a genious Kayak called the


In 1521, explorer Ferdinand Magellan landed on Guam and was welcomed with food and drink. When the islanders demanded payment for the food and drink, Magellan dubbed the area the Island of Thieves. And then he got that ass whooped.

Achieving Protectorate-hoodEdit

Guam welcomes haole's to the island because you're stupid enough to buy a shirt that says Guam on it for $50 bucks so you can tell your relatives that you've been to a tropical island.

Better KnownEdit

Guam was Better Known by Stephen Colbert on the April 26, 2007 edition of The Colbert Report as part 2 of the 4 part series Better Know A Protectorate.

Guam TodayEdit

Many people in Guam suffer from the unusual condition of achromatism, the inability to see color, not unlike Dr. Stephen Colbert. This has fueled specualation that the Dr.'s semen, Formula 402, has been purchased in mass quantities by his followers in the Colbert Nation to produce a master race.

The locals merrily work in sweatshops to produce cheap goods for the US and Japan.

1/4 of Guam is comprised of US military bases, our first line of protection against Nauru.

Tourism is Guam's biggest industry, and a favorite vacation spot is The Sandcastle Resort, currently showing "Steve Wheeler's Magic on Ice", an extravaganza of magic and figure skating. You have not lived until you've seen a woman sawed in half while doing the triple lutz.


The island is currently plagued with an infestation of brown tree snakes. The favorite hiding place of these snakes is in the jungle. .

A recurring plague of Guamania periodically causes serious concern amongst the populace. Currently, the only cure for Guamania is to eat out a very delicious Chamorrita.

Humorous but missing some detail. Current issues are an ineffective Governor who insists that his "Chief of Staff" knows more about Government than the people who wrote the laws that govern the greatest nation on earth. Additionally, the Governor,who keeps appointing musicians to his staff, fails time and again to meet minimal everyday requirements for managing an island of willing citizens (highest ratio of voluntary military service per capita and fiercely loyal to the US). Instead, Uncle Carl insists that the answer to every challenge exists at some conference off-island where the majority of the attendees do not know what an island is let alone what a territory of the USA is. By the way, He recently went on record saying that he was fed up with dealing with the problems in the education system. If I remember correctly, this was part of the job description when he was BEGGING FOR THE VOTES to be the governor.


Guam LandmarksEdit

Guam is home to Pacific Islands Bible College, Bansai Cliff (actually in Saipan) and the WWII Memorial to the Battle of Guam (War Dog Memorial in Yigo and War in the Pacific memorial in Asan, Chamorros never forget our dead).

Guamanian or ChamorroEdit

Both terms are applicable to describe the residents of Guam. The indigenous peoples are called chamorroEdit

Famous People from GuamEdit

George Ray Tweed, Chamorros defended him with their lives. Both my Grandmother and Great Grandmother have the scars to prove this.

A Typical Day in GuamEdit

Sunny and tropical weather along with great food and awesome people. Forget about the fact that you can feel the air.

We don't need to hunt brown tree snakes because your wife does that for us.

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