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Halliburton was a Featured Word on 01/06/08.
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ATTENTION: This Page is for Real Americans™ ONLY
If you are not a Real American™, pack your bags and report to GITMO.
has been granted full United States "citizenship"
for their donation to Republican causes.
America thanks you, Halliburton
is a Truthiness Crusader!

Halliburton is an All-American company serving Our Troops, and The Greatest President Ever.

Halliburton has been in the forefront of every major American conflict of the 21st Century C.E..

Halliburton provides many things to Our Troops, too many to list on one page.

An artist's depiction of what Halliburton's Headquarters might look like, with Wonka-esque founder, Richard "I Love Puppies" Cheney


Halliburton headquarters is in an undisclosed location no where near the Trans-Texas Corridor.

There are no tours available, and flash photography is not allowed in the city of Houston where Halliburton is rumored to be 1.


Richard "Puppies Love Me" Cheney

This puppy could only love a good, clean, All-American boy like Richard Cheney

Halliburton was founded by a nice man, who loved his mother, and Loved America. He never did anything wrong to anyone and was loved by all. He even had a puppy, which he loved, and loved him in return.

Halliburton was founded in a year of great prosperity for our country, and therefore could not be connected to war-profiteering or The Military Industrial Complex in any way 2.


The many industries that benefit from Halliburton

Halliburton is very good at Hard Work3. In fact, Halliburton is the global leader in Hard Work. This is why whenever Hard Work needs to be done anywhere in the world4, Halliburton is already on the way5.

Working for Halliburton

If you are a male, American citizen over the age of 18, you may already be on your way to working with Halliburton, and not even know it!

Halliburton is an equal opportunity employer, too. Girls can work for Halliburton, and not just in the office. Today's girls can drive trucks and fly planes!
Girls who can do these kinds of jobs can work right next to a real-live Halliburton employee.

All we ask is that you are able to do a few things before you apply:

  1. Run a few miles.
  2. Do some pushups.
  3. Carry heavy things.
  4. Have your own khaki or bulletproof outfits.
  5. Be willing to operate any kind of vehicle in Iraq.
  6. Understand that boys will be boys.

Benefits of Working for Halliburton

Dude. Working for Halliburton is the bomb!


The money comes in suitcases delivered by people who just run in and drop the shit off, and then run right back out!

Paperwork is a breeze to fill out, whenever there is any. Best of all, they have paperwork for asking for money! Dude, MONEY!

But, seriously, dude, the money is un-freakin-believable!


It is important that Halliburton not get anyone's hopes up, so we feel it is our Sacred Duty to inform non-Halliburton-types to not waste anyone's time by applying.

Employees deemed unfit to work for Halliburton fall into one of 2 Types: Class 1-NX or Class 1-MO. The Class 1-NX is a person who does not accept Christ, Our Savior as their personal savior. These people will go to hell, and that right there makes them unqualified to work for Halliburton.

The Class 1-MO has been classified by doctors from Patrick Henry College as suffering from a psychiatric disorder which makes them unfit to work for Halliburton. They may whine and cry and say things like, "But I can speak Arabic." Big deal. America needs Hard Workers not people who stare at my butt all day. How can I get any work done, when I have to spend my entire day worrying about you looking at my butt in the shower?

Halliburton Projects

Halliburton is constantly looking for new opportunities to help the American people and Our Troops.

We have offices throughout the world, with plans to open more satellite offices starting in October 2006, and again in October 2008. If that proves successful, every other October from there on out!

Why not join us today and be the first on your block to visit one of these exotic locales:

Projects on the Gulf Coast has been canceled until further notice.

Halliburton Services

Halliburton will help us to get that oil from the sea

UPDATE: Sadly, Halliburton's division of Recreational Entertainment Overseas Services will be discontinued at the present moment.

UPDATE 2: Halliburton has petitioned The Supreme Court to help them restore their Recreational Entertainment Overseas Services but so far the libural hippies wont have none of it, if we dont entertain our troops, who will?

We're Moving!



1 If Dick Cheney is exposed to any sudden flashes of light, he may have another heart attack. (Return)
2 At all. Ever. It is mere coincidence that Halliburton makes any money at all. Most of which goes to help puppies and kittens. (Return)
3 Here is just a sampling of Hard Working Americans: from left, Construction Worker, Indian Casino Employee, Sailor, Policeman, Textile Worker and the hardest working man in show business: Toby Keith. (Return)
4 And coming soon, outer space! (Return)
5 This has nothing to do with Domestic Surveillance, so don't you worry your pretty little head about it. (Return)

External Sources

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