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Freedom never looked so delish

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What does the burger say? yumm yumm yumm yumm yumm yumm yumm yumm yumm.

The Gut-Burger nexus.

The hamburgerFreedom Ham Sandwich, is one of the cornerstones of American cuisine. While Europeans wade through their intricate and unappetizing stews and bizarre baked goods, Americans eat as eating was supposed to be done: in burger form. Some posit that a hamburger in the belly can amplify the gut, which makes it easier to determine truthiness. Some also say it comes from a small town called "Hamburg", in a mystical land, and people there called themselves "Hamburgers", but it is strongly advised that you don't give in to their beliefs... yet, so quickly smack the bong out of their hands and sit them down to a good old course of American truth.

Also known simply as "burger".

Varieties of Hamburger

Beef patty, cheese, special sauce and everything else in the fridge piled high on a sesame seed bun.


  • Grilled (Either using coal, gasoline, kerosine, human/animal hair or motor oil as a grilling fuel.)
  • Fried
  • Deep-Fried
  • Raw
  • Chocolate Fondue Dipped
  • Cooked on your engine block for those on the go
  • Seared on a George Foreman grill
  • deep fried mars bars with Colt 45 dressing


  • Hamburger - made with ham
  • Cheeseburger - made with cheese
  • Chickenburger - made with chicken
  • Veggieburger - made with veggies for the women (warning: not for men.)
  • Steakburger - made with steak for true American Men.
  • Mcburger - made with SPAM
  • loose-meat
  • variety or "surprise"

Commonly Used Ingredients

Delicious donut burger, which does not make anyone think we've gone too far.

The hamburger gets its Americanness from its ability to become whatever it wants to be. The hamburger does not Cut-and-Run from new trends. The hamburger doesn't stay the course either. The burger is always adapting its ingredients to the changing situation. That means in order for the burger to be classified as a "sandwich", the meat must be between 2 things. The most common pairs of things used to make the hamburger a sandwich are:

  • bread
  • donut
  • shoe leather
  • more hamburger
  • various bills Democrats are trying to pass
  • your computer
  • a sidewalk

Savory Toppings

Yu Da Man…

A candid photo of a good citizen enjoying a healthy and delicious hamburger.

Life is for The Americans Baby!

Then the meat and bun-like pair democratically elect which "condiments" can join their coalition. Here is a list of ingredients commonly used in America's Meal, the hamburger:

  • ketchup (not catsup--ever--or mustard)
  • Mayonnaise
  • Pickles
  • Onions
  • Another Burger
  • Hot sauce
  • BBQ sauce
  • Horseradish sauce
  • Generic Brand A1 Steak Sauce
  • Anything but Heinz 57 or any Heinz product whatsoever
  • Jalapeños
  • CBS Branded and Sliced hard boiled eggs
  • Massive amounts of garlic
  • Spicy Rub or Marinade
  • Bacon
  • Cheese
  • Sliced Ham
  • Freedom Fries or Greater Tots (On top of the burger w/ cheese and bacon)

“The Morning After”: This is why you should never eat too many burgers or go home with stranger…

  • Tomato
  • Bagged Spinach
  • Mushrooms
  • Human Skin Topping (Delicious)
  • Buttery Crisco or Lard Spread (Mmmm)
  • Lipitor and Leptoprin Pills (Ground to a fine powder)
  • Worcestershire Sauce (unAmerican)
  • Sliced spam topping (An Ethnic/Island Favorite)
  • Sliced and fried pepperoni meat
  • Beer marinade
  • Twinkies
  • Fried egg (Butte, Montana only.)
  • Semen
  • Liberal blood
  • pre-chewed gum
  • Essence of Freedom
  • Tacos (May cause Nausea, Heartburn, Indigestion, Upset Stomach, Diarrhea, and an insatiable urge to work at Home Depot.
  • Salmonella-flavored tomatoes
  • sleet
  • your neighborhood park

Side Dishes

The hamburger is perfect by itself, however, many Americans cannot be satisfied with a meal that is less than 5,000 calories, so the hamburger is always served with Freedom Fries.

The beverages most commonly served with the hamburger are milk shakes (any flavor) or beer.

Eating a hamburger with every meal will make you strong enough to beat the terrorists.

See Also

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