Body Parts Series
Hands (plural) are usually found at the end of two long appendages called arms (which we have a right to bear) that join near the head. Hands are distinguished from feet (which are at the end of two long appendages called legs which join near the... well... down there) in that hands have fingers while feet have toes. A specialized finger on the hand, called an "opposing thumb", is used to distinguish humans from apes. A specialized finger on the hand, called a "trigger finger", is used to distinguish humans from democrats.
The History of Hands
Hands first appeared on dinosaurs just under 6000 years ago. There were underdeveloped, little bitty things and nobody knows what they were used for. As dumber animals evolved, they started growing other things where their hands should be. Some of the meanest animals grew paws, while others grew flippers, or wings. The smarter and more gentle animals continued to evolve their hands. They also evolved longer arms so they could actually reach their mouth or other parts of their body that needed a hand from time to time.
The first humans, Adam and Eve, of course had hands. Hands were used for things like picking fruit from trees, and later for covering up nakedness. Cain used his hands to kill that pesky Abel and later Noah used his hands to build the ark. Hands were important for this because without hands, a cubit would have been much shorter and then all the animals wouldn't have fit (bears would have probably sneaked on just the same). Anyway, it's good that Noah kept busy because, as everyone knows, idle hands are the devil's playground, many hands make light work, and a bird in the hand is worth two in the burning bush.
Modern humans use their hands for many useful things (sometimes called "hand jobs"). You can use your hand to wave at someone in a bar (if you're gay), you can use your hand to pinch someone's bottom (if you're British), or to reposition your testicles (if you're a man). Other things you can do with your hands include clapping, folding, wringing, waving, talking with.
Neat Stuff About Hands
- Most hands have five fingers.
- Hands is just a fancy word for human finger propeller things.
- It's hard to direct one's own finger to one's own nose while intoxicated.
- Pulling someone's finger makes them fart.
- The human hand and a waitress' butt cheek are exactly the same size.
- Dr. Seuss' characters are the only ones able to clap with one hand, a feature yet to be mimiced by anyone else in the world.
- Stephen Colbert is the only person in the world who can "high five" himself.
- Gay men can tell the size of a man's penis by the size of his hands.
- Men with small penises generally like to wear gloves.
- Stephen Colbert does not wear gloves.
- You should kiss the hand of a beautiful woman (Hint: slip your tongue between her fingers, all women love that).
- You should shake the hand of an ugly woman (Hint: if her hand is clammy or sweaty, wipe your hand off on your buddy's back as you say "Have you met my friend Joe?").
- Men generally "high-five" each other (hand slap generally performed above the head).
- Black men who tend to make handshakes into some sort of patti-cake, schoolyard, 8-year-old girl thing because, well... they can get away with it.
- White men who create complicated handshakes are gay or metrosexual.
- Women shake hands sitting down.
- Men shake hands standing up.
- Men look down women's blouses when they shake hands with them.
The Hand: A Poor Man's Teleprompter
|New on the market: The Hand 2.1|
- Sarah Palin is an avid user of The Hand
- God did it too!
- The Hand is useful to keep notes on the deficit