Osama bin Lisa.jpg
Mahmoud Ahmedi-Hate America Firsters-nejad is a terrorist.
Al Franken.jpg
Hate America Firsters has earned
Hate America Firsters
makes The Baby Jesus sad.
Does your mother know you read these filthy liberal myths?
Hate America Firsters are heretical
and make The Baby Jesus jealous!
May they rot in the fires of his judgement!

"Hate America Firsters" (HAF), also known as "'Merica haters", are a group of people who defend all that is hateful to America. Their first and only tactic is to attack America, and while "Love America Firsters" are busily praying for guidance, the HAF do unspeakable things to The United States Constitution and The Baby Jesus.

Identifying Characteristics

A "male" HAF

A "female" HAF

your typical Hate America Firster

A member of the HAF can easily be spotted, if you know what to look for.

  • If "male," "he" would have long hair, and would most likely be crying.
  • If "female," "she" would be underneath a car changing the oil, or removing the engine with "her" bare hands.
  • Most Hate America Firsters can be identified by their bear-like characteristics (i.e. fat, hairy, smelly and spend most of their time hibernating at home).


  • The most frequently used vehicle for a HAF would be public transportation or bicycle or some other communist-style vehicle.
  • However, if a HAF owned a car it would be a Prius or a Volvo. There would still be a "Gore/Lieberman 2000" or "Kerry-Edwards 2004" bumper sticker on it.


When HAFs wear clothing, it is usually not clean, and smells horrible.

  • The "men" wear dresses and tie their luxurious hair up with dainty-colored ribbons.
  • The "women" wear men-beater shirts, and no bras. Their shorts barely cover their hairy legs and hold up their black socks with those garter things.


If a HAF could break away from having abortions and buying crack, they would be working at Air America Radio.

Mostly, they are unemployed, tofu-chomping college students who spend all of their free time plotting the destruction of America through organizations like the Coalition of Progressive Democrats. Or they usually spend their afternoons at gay pride conventions. They normally get their powers at them. Powers like queer eye, ass grab, and many more homosexual fighting moves. All can be combated by use of the Holy Bible, against which they are powerless.


HAFs hang out where people don't mind their smell, since they don't bathe too often (something about natural, blah, blah, blah, whatever). Places would include:


Besides Hating America, HAFs have several habits unique to their kind:

  • If "male," the HAF would be crying and blaming everyone else for his lost manhood. They usually show signs of a man-like period. Bleeding from the penis, loss of pubic hair, watching the Lifetime Network, little or no interest in beer, women, naked women, half naked women on hot rods, or football. These are indicative signs of MANstruation.
  • If "female," the HAF would be working at some job that "she" stole from a man. "She" would simultaneously be breastfeeding. She would bind her breast usually and grow hair there, and grow a pair. Also they like it on top, in order to deny men their God-given right to hit it like a G.
  • Listening to Air America Radio.

What To Do If You Spot a H.A.F.?

If you spot a HAF, contact your local police, or FBI field office. Be sure to tell the dispatcher to contact the Department of Homeland Security for you, while you make a True-American Citizen's Arrest™. It's that important.

Capturing a H.A.F.

  • If "male," lure the smelly, crying Commie with a latte and any smelly French cheese. If that doesn't work, all you have to do is scare "him," and "he" will instantly fall into a fetal position.
  • If "female," however, you may have to use pictures of beautiful women, like Ann Coulter to get its attention. If you are a real woman, the mere suggestion of gay-marrying "her" will subdue the beast long enough until the authorities come to take "her" away. Although, this last tactic is not recommended for young and impressionable True-American Girls™, as it may lead to not shaving your legs and/or armpits.


Being in the presence of a HAF, even for a short time, may irreparably expose you to their un-American ways. Therefore, you must be properly assimilated back into the True-American™ Love America™ First America™. To do this, you must follow the instructions below:

  1. Find a flag, wrap yourself in it snuggly.
  2. Spit on the next person who walks by you who doesn't salute the flag.
  3. Yell at anyone who has brown skin to, "GO BACK TO MEXICO!"
  4. Call in to any radio program and simply scream, "Rush is Right!"

This should do until the next time you go to church. This has been brought to you by the Kansas Board of Education.

Famous H.A.F.s

Even though H.A.F.s should not be given any attention, Americans must know who they are. Herewith is a short list of the most dangerous H.A.F.s:

Other well known types of H.A.F.s are often known by the following aliases:

If you believe your neighbor, a family member or anyone else you know may be or might become a H.A.F., please contact your local police, local FBI field office, or Homeland Security "Buddy" by speaking clearly into any plastic plant. A law enforcement official will arrive shortly.

Keep smiling and don't make any sudden movements.
By watching you, we're protecting you.

Resources for Identifying H.A.F.s

There are several excellent resources available outside of The Colbert Report. Some prominent examples include:

It's too late to pray for Hate America Firsters!
Hate America Firsters are doomed!