Body Parts Series
Your heart has three functions: to pump blood, to love Stephen Colbert, and to aid your gut.
- If you are Christian, the blood that flows through Your heart is blessed.
- If you are atheist, the blood is black, lifeless and chilled.
- If you are some other religion, the blood is corrupted.
Inside the body, blood vessels attach the heart to the gut. These veins provide valuable lifeblood for the gut, allowing it to produce more truthiness.
Like your head and your gut, your heart can produce thoughts. Things you know in your heart are less certain but more passionate than things you know in your gut. You also use your heart for thoughts of love and compassion. Since The Greatest President is so compassionate, he has a big heart. The Grinch had a heart that was two sizes too small, because he hated Christmas, and by extension, America (that dirty green bear).
The Liberal Heart
It is interesting to note that liberals don't actually have a heart (so "bleeding heart liberal" is a misnomer). In liberals, the space where the heart should be has been replaced with a portal to Hell through which the Baby Satan tells them what they want to hear. Whenever fighting back one of these demons, always go for the brain. Or just pull out a crucifix, and watch them melt at the sight of the glory of our Lord Jesus Christ.
Heart in Popular Culture
- Heart was the retarded kid with the monkey in Captain Planet, a liberal hippie Communist pro-recycling "children's" cartoon.
- The team that wins the Super Bowl ALWAYS has more heart than the other team.
- "Heart" was also the name of a Canadian rock and roll band of lesbian sisters and hippies. They would have been banned from performing in the United States due to their Canadianism, but for some reason immigration authorities allow them to enter and re-enter the country without severe and prolonged punishment.