Henry Ford
is a Great American and deserves your adoration!
America loves you, Henry Ford
Dead bear
Henry Ford
is a member of the Bear Hunters of America.
Be Scared, Bears.

Henry Ford at work on one of his automobiles

Henry Harrison Hank Ford is a mercurial businessman and scientist who invented stuff for America, starred in movies, and now has a strange fascination with Old Europe. Nobody has heard from Mr. Ford for at least a decade.

Early LifeEdit


Henry Ford in an undated picture believed to have been taken during his early years in Detroit

The date of Ford's birth is unknown, but it was definitely before the advent of the Internets. It is known that Ford spent his boyhood in a cabin adjacent to Abraham Lincoln's cabin. Lincoln and Ford spent their youth hunting bears, arguing about truthiness (even though the term was not yet coined), and playing basketball. While hunting bears Ford obtained the ability to shoot lazers from his eyes

Young Henry Ford eventually grew tired of the country life and longed for a new challenge. One day, Ford walked from his cabin to the city of Detroit in order to open up a shop to invent junk. Ford's inventions eventually included electricity, Meatloaf, and most importantly, the Automobile.

The AutomobileEdit


Ford's life was dramatized in the classic television show My Mother the Car. In this still from the show, Henry Ford (right) is showing a union rep. what's what

The automobile is a device that has permitted certain Americans to flee dangerous cities and relocate to the cleaner country-side. Just as importantly, the automobile created vast amounts of wealth for American Corporations.

Henry Ford is generally credited with inventing the automobile, which he named after himself. Ford also created a high-end automobile, which he named after his former neighbor, Lincoln.

When the unions pressured Ford to pay his workers as much as the President and Babe Ruth combined, Henry Ford fought back and destroyed the unions in Detroit. The Ford corporation prospered and grew once Ford destroyed unions.

Because the company was making so much money, it was able to advertise all over the world. Ford himself starred in the company's first television advertisements, which featured him chasing down bears with a Mustang. (This influenced his next career greatly.) It was able to further secure its place as the official car of the redneck when Ford Racing announced in late 1979 that it would enter NASCAR, starting with the 1980 season. Its drivers included Dale Earnhardt, who won the 1980 championship in a Ford Thunderbird, Mark Martin, and briefly Jesus himself.

Having secured the success of his automobile company, Henry Ford decided to try his hand at other crafts.


Ford was never an academic historian. He hated history taught in books and instead believed firmly in learning from his gut.

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"History is more or less bunk."
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~ Hank Ford

Needless to say Historians don't remember him fondly.

Movie CareerEdit

Against all odds, Ford left Detroit for Hollywood and established himself as a succesful movie actor. Ford's notable movies include:

  1. Air Force One (1997)
  2. Clear and Present Danger (1994)
  3. The Fugitive (1993)
  4. Patriot Games (1992)
  5. Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade (1989)
  6. Blade Runner (1982)
  7. Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981)
  8. Star Wars: Episode V - The Empire Strikes Back (1980)

Ties to Old EuropeEdit

The Ford ChroniclesEdit


The last picture of Henry Ford taken before his disappearance

Henry Ford reportedly felt guilty that his invention, the automobile, was used in Old Europe during World War I. Consequently, Ford wrote a series of books about Jews, other minorities, bankers, politicians, Hollywood, and pretty much anybody who was not a farmer in order to get in the good graces of European Factonistas. Although his books were completely devoid of any facts, the Factionistas, especially in Germany, recognized Ford's good faith attempts to make amends with them and they embraced Ford.

In addition to helping him befriend Europeans, Ford's books have had a longstanding legacy. In particular, noted scholars Mel Gibson, Kramer, and John Rocker relied upon Ford's writings to help develop their truthy philosophies. Additionally, influenced by Ford's writings, L. Ron Hubbard adopted a similar disregard of facts and history in his writings about $cientology.


Ford eventually stopped appearing in movies to spend more time with his Commie European buddies. (In truthiness, Ford hasn't appeared in a good movie since Indiana Jones.) Ford eventually relocated to somewhere in Europe. Ford's current whereabouts are unknown.

Ford's closest relatives, Gerald Ford and Betty Ford, have been left in charge of his empire during his absence.

See alsoEdit

Do Not SeeEdit

Despite what you may have heard
Henry Ford
Is totally not racist!
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