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Hippies are the aboriginals of the commie world, a less advanced version of liberals. Hippies are smelly people with poor fashion sense. Female hippies are undistinguishable from the males, aside from the vaginas.
Am I a Hippie?
Many concerned young Americans are concerned that they may be hippies, so here's a helpful guide. You are a hippie if one of the following applies to you:
- You smell.
- You don't have a job.
- You vote Democrat or for other communist groups like the green party.
- You smoke marijuana.
- You are white and have dreadlocks.
- You think the Grateful Dead's music sounds good.
- You spend more money on drugs than you do in rent.
- You enjoy the smell of Patchouli Oil
- You are more upset by the death of an animal, than the death of a white child.
- You always have the munchies.
- Your name is Jeffery Lebowski (Even if you prefer to be called "The Dude")
- You abuse the freedom of speech.
- You worship the Earth as a "mother"
Hippies gather together in circles to worship a round ball called a "Hacky-sack". If fallen to the ground, it is always generous to pick up and start over again. This religion is teaching our youth that you can lose and win at the same time and creates lazy adults in the future. It is only a matter of time before the hacky-sack becomes recognized as the threat to America that it is.
Hippies enjoy smoking weed from bongs at outdoor concerts, playing frisbee and listening to the music of Phish, The Grateful Dead and the Dave Matthews Band. They differ from Yuppies, who enjoy smoking cigars at a wine bars, playing golf, and listening to the music of Hootie and the Blowfish.
Occasionally groups of hippies manage to extricate themselves from their drum circles to march in protest of whatever cause will give aid and comfort to our enemies that day.
The War on Hippies
Hippies can often times become very dangerous given the right environment. If there is pot or gay music, a hippie may be attracted. If that hippie goes untreated, then more hippies will arrive and create a hippie circle with more pot and more gay music. If the hippie circle goes untreated, then it can evolve into a Hippie JamFest, which is essentially an excuse to take recreational drugs and party instead of loving America. Because of this threat, Stephen has waged a secret War on Hippies lead by his bastard son Eric Cartman of South Park.
Tools for Eliminating Hippies
- Death metal music (particularly Slayer)
- American Flag
- Hippie Digger (Like a Bulldozer)
- Adding chemicals to organic foods
- Ted Nugent
- Fire hose of holy water
Notable Hippie Takeovers
- Woodstock '69 (Ended by lack of pot)
- Woodstock '99 (Ended by Big Business)
- Hippie JamFest '05 (Ended By Eric Cartman)
- Jerry Garcia
- Janis Joplin
- Grace Slick
- Hunter Kendrick
- Ken Kesey
- Tommy Chong
- Rob Corddry
- Nick & Heather Wilson
- Anyone from the 60's who isn't Richard Nixon
- And Jon Stewart "Eat It Jon!!"
- Timothy Leary
- George Will
- Jerry Falwell
- Cheech Marin
- George Bush
- PJ O'Rourke
- Optimus Prime