"In every society, the definition of sports has not ever, to my knowledge, included hockey. That's not to pick on hockey. It's not, you know, man on child, man on dog, or whatever the case may be.-- Sen. Rick Santorum
Creation of Hockey
Hockey was invented by a godless communist from Canada who needed something to do while freezing his butt off in the middle of winter, besides ice fishing or clubbing baby seals to death. Furthermore it has been used as an excuse to beat up French-Canadians. It provided Canadians with something to listen to on the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation radio network (which grew to include television in 1957). Prior to the invention of hockey, only three programs were broadcast by the CBC: Polar Bear reports, some guy named Ed the Sock, and a program about maple syrup. Hockey is currently played only by tough Americans, Colbertnadians, the aforementioned French-Canadians, pussy Europeans and trained bears.
Organized Professional Hockey
A professional league of hockey would properly prepare the human race for the Bear uprising of 2012. It would allow players to hone their skills so that when the bear uprising comes, they can be defeated using razor sharp hockey sticks. So, soon after hockey was invented in 1952, an Eskimo, a Mountie, and a dirty French-Canadian decided to invent the NHL. Hockey's only minor league, the Ontario Hockey League, came later.
However, Canadian professional hockey players currently playing for US teams cannot be trusted in regards to the Bear uprising of 2012. While some of them may have been swayed to the side of the light by fat contracts and American wives, in general they must be viewed with suspicion and should not be trusted not to fall sway to the bear agenda as supported by the Canadian government. Thankfully, many brave Americans have infiltrated the professional hockey ranks and learned their bear-fighting skills, developed prior to their government's complicity in the bear agenda. These will be our greatest heroes, though most of them will probably be killed in the struggle. This is proper as hockey is, essentially, un-American.
Here is how the game works. There are three innings. The goalie is like the catcher, who protects the goal, or home plate. The players who skate around are like pitchers, who use their pitcher-sticks to shoot the puck-ball at the goalie, who is also like a batter, when he hits the puck-ball back at them. If a team manages to get the puck-ball past the goalie and into one of those net-baskets, they get a point. The team who scores the most points after the three innings wins the match. And the penalty box is like the on-deck circle. And, there's fights.
The sport places large net-baskets on the ice, which are safety hazards. They should be removed, as they caused Steagle Colbeagle the Eagle to trip and fall.
Stephen Colbert's Favorite Team
The only team worth seeing play the sport of hockey are the Saginaw Spirit, who only play for Stephen Colbert's personal glory. They are the only American team in the Ontario Hockey League, and frequently pummel the godless Canadians into submission, with the full support of Jesus.
Only the truly great players in the sport of hockey have their uniform numbers retired. Undefeated, and on top of his game, Stephen Colbert had his Saginaw Spirit # 1 retired in an emotional celebration of all he has brought to the game of hockey.
As far as we are aware, no other player in the sport has ever received this honor.
Should DeVos, Romney, and Barbour Be On Notice??
At the Saginaw Spirit game on November 3, 2006, Michigan gubernatorial candidate Dick DeVos dropped the ceremonial puck before the game. Along with him was Mississippi Governor Hayley Barbour and Taxachusetts Governor Mitt Romney. Normally, these ceremonial puck drops are ho hum, they drop the puck, and that is it.
However, DeVos, Romney, and Barbour were all wearing Saginaw Spirit jerseys bearing their names and the number one. That is Stephen's number! He retired it! He raised it to the rafters! That number is his! It doesn't belong to anyone else!
Should DeVos, Romney, and Barbour be put on notice for wearing Stephen's # 1? Does anyone from the show know about this? Perhaps they will read it here and find out about what has happened.
Reason that Hockey is actually great
The godless communists from Kanada (Yes, Canada sucks so bad that they don't even deserve their name spelled correctly) hate it when America shows their dominance in hockey (Detroit Red Wings). As a matter of fact, they hate that America has Hockeytown and not them. For these reasons, hockey is actually great, except for the following teams:
- Toronto Maple Leafs (A leaf?)
- Ottawa Senators (Pathetic name)
- Pittsburgh Penguins
- Colorado Avalanche
- Aneheim Ducks (only since Disney sold the team and it stopped being the Mighty Ducks)
- Any other team from kanada that has not been mentioned because they suck so bad.
- Michigan State Spartans (college, but still not worthy)
- Notre Dame Fighting Irish (college, but not worthy)
- Ohio State Buckeyes (college, and not worth anything let alone worthy of anything)
- Chicago Blackhawks (so bad that they are at the bottom of the list)
Here is a list of teams that actually bring honor to Hockey:
- Michigan Wolverines (College)
- Ferris State Bulldogs (Also college)