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Attention: "Illuminati" contains classified information.
Only authorized personnel with the proper clearances can view "Illuminati"

is a Recognized Secret Society by the NSA
Illuminati is heretical
and makes The Baby Jesus jealous!
May it rot in the fires of his judgement!

Also called The Barvarian Illuminati, Freemasons and the Hells Angels controlled by the Bearluminaty. They are a cult of smartasses bent on spreading weird looking drawings within America and the World. The members might belong to Satanic cults or Jesus-loving Gut religions. They are confusing because they encourage the use of truthiness, but rarely practice it. To be on the safe side, REAL Americansignoreanymentionoftheirexistence.



The Illuminati wacut, The French Revolution, Lincoln's assassination, The Liberal Media, the Soviet Union, Women's Lib, and the creation of Justin Bieber. In fact, they were responsible for every unjust act that ever occurred anywhere; when you stubbed your toe yesterday... it was the Illuminati! ...maybe, you see...

Great American Heroes like George Bush are said to be members, but our Evil Arch-Enemies such as Michael Moore are also alleged to be members...


Many people believe the New World Order was created at the Bretton Woods Conference, but it wasn't. The truth is that the Illuminati was created following an edict sent from the Holy father. Moses was the only human to see the order in writing (it was the Eleventh Commandment) and destroyed it as God had commanded (the Twelth Commandment) by throwing the thrid tablet off that mountain.

So here's what we're gonna do people

We're going to make a sub-section depending on if the Illuminati are rightous upstanding gut preaching Truthy moralizers or if they're bad cankerous spreaders of malodious cowardism.

The Good

Lord, I know you're watchin me

Its members do the hard task of SHUTTING people up who disagree with Republicans and the Lord's representative, George Bush. Their covert activities only strengthen America and Her resolve to tell people here and abroad how to live their lives, regardless of trivial laws only meant for poor people to obey.

To become a member of the Illuminati you have to believe in the Baby Jesus, his long lost twin George Bush, Apple Pie, Baseball, and missionary style sexs. Illuminati: BEAM ME UP!

The Bad

The effects of Marijuana: Making really weird, cool looking drawings

Its members try to obtain authority or influential status so that they may then corrupt American minds with atheist-bearism magick from within. Their mindless minions are most commonly referred to as Democrats. Their most influential agents are part of the Hollywood elite; ACTORS! Remember, Lincoln's assassination was carried out by an Actor.

To become a member of the Illuminati you have to be all book-smart and junk, you must commit tyranny, swear allegiance to Satan, sacrifice your first born child, and then join the Democratic Party.

This organization remains a threat to America's duty to be ignorant. Illuminati: Pack yer bags and report to GITMO!!


The Good

Keep smiling and don't make any sudden movements.
By watching you, we're protecting you.

The symbol of the Illuminati is the All-Seeing-Eye, symbolic of God and Big brother, who both make us feel warm and fuzzy. This symbol can be seen on the back of any dollar bill, reminding us that with God-Money, I'll do anything for you. God=Money just tell me what you want me to do. Hence the time honored motto, "In God We Trust".*

*Rumored plans to change "God" to "Stephen Colbert" or "George Bush" would make our money worth MORE! BOW DOWN BEFORE THE ONE YOU SERVE!

The Bad

The symbol of the Illuminati is the All-Seeing-Eye, symbolic of the order's perverted gaze upon trustworthy Americans. This symbol can be seen on the back of any dollar bill. Placing the symbol on pure American currency is an ironic joke to Illuminati members, since cold, hard-earned cash is one thing they seek to abolish.


The Good

The Illuminati are hastening the coming of Baby Jesus and Television shows you can watch with your Grand Parents.

It has been revealed by Jesus himself that Satan fears their stauch family values and hard work ethic which will lead to the freedom of loving Jesus and Christianity as a world dominating, er,, embracing religion. According to Jesus, He and the Illuminati are best-friends. Candid photos are frequently taken of them holding hands. DOn't worry, everything's safe/ everything's cool.

The Bad

The Illuminati are hastening the coming of the anti-christ and the end of the world.

It has been revealed by Jesus himself that the Illuminati will Revolt in their Cause of New World Order led by the anti-christ (See: Bowel) and it will be marked by the spread of a freedom-hating government, the creation of a religious group of science-spewing god-haters, and a skyrocketing population of elephants. According to Jesus, the Illuminati will eliminate freedom, execute believing Christians, and make bears the world-mascot. This event will be known as the Bear Uprising of 2012.

Members of The Illuminati

The Good

Current Members of the Illuminati Include:

  • George Bush
  • His Dad
  • Szymon Stawicki
  • Queen Elizabeth II
  • Eathan Clay
  • Edward Wortley
  • Amanda Todd
  • Arnold Chapman
  • Pavel ???
  • Jaden Bishop
  • Eric Cartman
  • Pedro (the alien that he communicates with in black ops 2 when he hears the voices in Samuels head) Sousa
  • Unknown ???????????
  • Barrack Obama”

has been granted full United States "citizenship"
for their donation to Republican causes.
America thanks you, Illuminati


Szymon and steve alien sousa

The Bad

Current Members of the Illuminati Include:

gives aid and comfort to America's enemies. As A True American™,
it is your duty to report Illuminati to the authorities.


The Ancient Illuminated Seers of Bavaria invite YOU to join The World's Oldest and Most Successful Conspiracy

Have you ever secretly wondered why The Great Pyramid has five sides (counting the bottom)?

Is there an esoteric allegory concealed in the apparently innocent legend of Snow White and The Seven Dwarfs?

What is the true secret sinister reality lying behind the ancient Aztec Legend of Quetzlcoatl?

Why do scholarly anthropologists turn pale with terror at the very mention of the forbidden name Yog-Sothoth?

Who is the man in Zurich that some swear is Lee Harvey Oswald?

What really did happen to Ambrose Bierce?

If your I.Q. is over 150, and you have $3,125.00 (plus handling), you might be eligible for a trial membership in the A.I.S.B. If you think you qualify, put the money in a cigar box and bury it in your backyard. One of our Underground Agents will contact you shortly.