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The Colbert Report

It's French, bitch.

The phrase “it’s French, bitch” is how Dr. Stephen Colbert explained the pronunciation of his Nobel Prize winning show, "The Colbert Report."

"The Colbert Report" is pronounced "The Coal-BEAR Re-PORE."


Noam Chomsky-hugging linguistic factonistas would have you believe that the French pronunciation of "Colbert" actually sounds more like "Cull-Bear" than "Coal-Bear", but Stephen's gut doesn't feel so.

Many have speculated as to why Dr. Stephen Colbert would encourage the French pronunciation of his last name which seems to pay homage to godless killing machines. One theory contends that since Dr. Colbert has nicknamed his mentor "Papa Bear," he wants to flatter the elder pundit by sharing in that special name, to connect them as kindred spirits in the fight against Islamo-Fascism and the East Coast, Ivy-league Liberal Elitists, but not in a gay way.


A second theory put forth is that since Bears are known atheists and anti-Americans, Dr. Colbert is appealing to their combative nature by tacitly extending the olive branch of peace by accepting and endorsing the "Coal-BEAR" pronunciation of his last name. This does not make Dr. Colbert a pussy or a Flip-Flopper as he has not changed his stance or views of the creatures that hold the record for being the longest running and highest threat on the "Threat Down."


The third theory put forth states that the French pronunciation is a "throwing down of the gauntlet" to French people and their culture as Dr. Stephen Colbert is the greatest thing associated with the French. Since Dr. Colbert is American and is loved by God, this angers the naturally contrarian people of France.

As to why the word "Report" is pronounced "Re-PORE" we can look to the phonetical similarities between "RE-PORE" and the word "rapport." From this context, it would seem Dr. Colbert would like to establish a bond or "rapport" with his audience so that they may find some sense of inclusion in The Liberal Media hellscape. It should also be stated that another popular opinion is that "Report" is pronounced with a silent "t" so that it may rhyme with the French pronunciation of "Colbert."


A fourth theory is that Colbert has a deeper appreciation of his french heritage as "Report" translated in French is actually "rapport"; pronouced "RHA-PORE". Thus, the pronouncation could actually be an homage to his roots.

Any one or all of these theories may be correct, but there is only one official record of why "The Colbert Report" is pronounced "The Col-BEAR Re-PORE."

Because it's French, bitch.

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