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Jack Bauer: A True American

Little known trivia about Jack BauerEdit

  • If everyone in 24 did what Jack Bauer said, it would be called 12
  • When a convicted terrorist was sentenced to face Jack Bauer, he appealed to have the sentence reduced to death.
  • One proposed budget for the US Military covered Jack Bauer, two pistols and four billion rounds of ammunition.
  • Jack Bauer can fly a plane from the luggage compartment.
  • Many women's husbands don't wish they were Jack Bauer. They wish their wives were Jack Bauer. Coincidentally, none of these men are gay.
  • Once, someone tried to tell Jack Bauer a "knock knock" joke. Jack Bauer found out who was there, who they worked for, and where the goddamned bomb was.
  • If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Myers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice. The corollary to this is: If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Myers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Stalin and Hitler so they wouldn't have to bear witness to what he'd do to Nina.
  • Jack Bauer's calender goes from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Jack Bauer.
  • The state of California plans to reduce violent crime by changing the method of capital punishment from lethal injection to Jack Bauer.
  • Going to China is all part of Jack Bauer's master plan to rid the world of Communism. A billion Chinese vs Jack Bauer? Sounds like a fair fight.
  • Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.
  • Kim Bauer lost her virginity-- Jack Bauer got it back.
  • If you wake up in the morning, it's because Jack Bauer spared your life.
  • Jack Bauer sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
  • Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
  • Jack Bauer could strangle you with a cordless phone.
  • Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.
  • In order to control illegal immigration in the United States, the president installed cardboard cutouts of Jack Bauer along the US/Mexico border.
  • Jack Bauer doesn't have a firewall on his PC. He has a Bauerwall. It's basically just a JPEG of Jack Bauer. No virus has ever attacked Jack Bauer's PC. Ever.
  • If Rosa Parks was in Jack Bauer's seat, she'd move to the back of the bus.
  • Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.
  • Superman's only weakness is Kryptonite. Jack Bauer laughs at Superman for having a weakness.
  • When Jack Bauer goes to the airport and the metal detector doesn't go off, security gives him a gun.
  • Jack Bauer once arm wrestled Superman. The stipulations were the loser had to wear his underwear on the outside of his pants.
  • Jack Bauer once killed so many terrorists that at one point, the #5 CIA Most Wanted fugitive was an 18-year-old teenager in Malaysia who downloaded the movie Dodgeball.
  • Every mathematical inequality officially ends with "< Jack Bauer".
  • Jack Bauer eliminated Bird Flu by playing Duck Hunt.
  • When Jack Bauer was a child, he made his mother finish her vegetables.
  • When the boogie man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Jack Bauer.
  • Jack Bauer can leave a message before the beep.
  • Jack Bauer can get McDonald's breakfast after 10:30.
  • Guns don't kill people, Jack Bauer kills people.
  • In kindergarten, Jack Bauer killed a terrorist for Show and Tell.
  • Jack Bauer makes onions cry.
  • Jack Bauer once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.
  • When Chuck Norris files his taxes, he sends in a blank return and a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has never had to pay taxes. This year, however, the IRS sent him back a picture of Jack Bauer wearing his dark sunglasses. The next day, Chuck Norris pled guilty to multiple counts of tax evasion.
  • Jack Bauer can hit two birds with no stones.
  • Jack Bauer's family threw him a surprise birthday party when he was a child. Once.
  • When Jack Bauer turns on a video game, the screen just says "You Win" and turns itself off again.
  • Jack Bauer knows Victoria's secret.
  • Jack Bauer’s dog put a sign on his fence that read “Beware of Jack.”
  • A terrorist once killed himself so Jack Bauer did not torture him. Jack just laughed, brought him back to life, and tortured him.
  • When Jack Bauer was a baby, he took candy from adults.
  • Water can only go three days without Jack Bauer.
  • Jack Bauer can start a fire using only water.
  • Deaf people listen to Jack Bauer.
  • To stop the Japanese in WWII Truman was going to drop Jack Bauer out of a Bomber. Instead he went with a nuke because it was more humane.
  • Arnold Schwarzenegger thought he could take Jack Bauer in a fight. He ended up pregnant.
  • Jesus died and rose from the dead in 3 days. It took Jack Bauer less than an hour. And he's done it twice.
  • Jack Bauer's blood type is testosterone.
  • Instead of tickling Elmo, Jack Bauer shot him.
  • Jack Bauer got in a car accident and protected his air bag.
  • David Palmer is Jack Bauer's Black Friend.
  • Jack Bauer has an account on, but only to fight the Terrorist menace.
  • Jack Bauer can have 11 items at the 10 item lane.
  • Jack Bauer is such a great shot that he doesn't need bullets for his 9mm.
  • Jack Bauer can watch Saturday Night Live, live on a Tuesday morning.
  • Jack Bauer never misses. If he shoots his gun at you and doesn't hit you, he's shooting at the terrorist 12 miles away.
  • Jack Bauer once disarmed a suitcase nuke with a Phillips head screwdriver.
  • If you spell Jack Bauer wrong on Google it doesn't say, "Did you mean Jack Bauer?" It simply replies, "Run while you still have the chance."
  • Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Jack Bauer can kill 100 percent of whatever the fuck he wants.
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