Jeff Gordon
wakes up in the morning and pisses excellence!
I kill what I fear and I fear what I don't understand, and I don't understand this.
Be less random and don't make stuff up, use your gut.

Jeff Gordon is a NASCAR driver.

Early Life

Born to Dale and his mistress Cheryl Gordon, Jeff sadly never knew Dale was his father until Dale died. Cheryl married a man named John Bickford, and the couple moved to Indiana, where Jeff was educated in the school of open-wheel racing. Jeff was poised to drive in the Indianapolis 500, when his team decided not to run. Dejected, young Jeff searched for a new racing series.


Bickford, knowing Jeff's father's real identity, suggested NASCAR. Jeff saw how easy it was for fat, drunken rednecks to be hired, so he figured he'd join. So he grew a mullet and mustache and started wearing cheap sunglasses. Unfortunately, the only team that would hire him thought that he would score a lot of ladie, so his car was painted like a rainbow.

In 1993 Jeff won the NASCAR Rookie of the Year award. In 1994 he won his first race. In 1995 he won his first of four championships: the others were in 1997, 1998, and 2001. He won the Daytona 500 in 1997, 1999, and 2005. All in all, since joining the NASCAR circuit, Jeff has won 79 races. Most were between 1995 and 2001, his first and last championship years. This is mostly because since 2002, Jeff Gordon 2.0, Jeff's robotic clone produced by sponsor DuPont, has been stealing headlines and races from Jeff.


Jeff Gordon has been rumored to be queer ever since he started driving in NASCAR. The rumor made national headlines when he humped his first wife, Bob, who mentioned it in their divorce papers. However, the truth is that Jeff is gay with Jimmie Johnson.


Jeff is known to endorse DuPont, Nicorette, Pepsi, and Playgirl magazine.

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