John Howard
is too Australian for the average American.

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John Howard meets up with twin brother Dick Cheney.

John Howard was the leader Australia (Little America), until the people of Little America rose up and used their imported ugg boots to kick him out of office and take away his seat at the cricket. He was called the Prime Minister, but he should really be called "President". He is a good friend of George W. Bush who gave him the nickname of 'Iron Man', enjoys Vegemite and walks, and has exceedingly odd dance moves, in spite of his kookoobura-sized balls.

On the February 12, 2007 edition of The Colbert Report, Howard received a Tip of the Hat for criticizing Democratic Presidential candidate and Senator Barack Obama and a Wag of the Finger for criticizing an American citizen, Barack Obama.

Stephen warned this sawed-off wallaby to keep his shrimp-on-the-barbie-stained fingers off Senator Obama, and leave the criticism of American citizens to American citizens.

Awesome things the Johnny has been doing

  • Fixing the "Frenchy/Liberal" universal healthcare system to be better, like the American private system.
  • Privatising of the "Communist" Social security system so the terrorists don't win.
  • Changing Industrial Relations laws so employers have more power and whiney lefty employees and unions have less, so more work gets done and freedom reigns, making everyone happier.
  • Rounding up those pesky immigrants, who may be terrorists, and putting them in "comfortable" detention camps in the desert, so they can work on their suntans and learn water conservation.
  • Shifting and/or elasticising the national boundaries of Australia to ensure that zones of Australian-ness exist. This confuses "pesky" illegal immigrants and reduces their chances of hiding behind outmoded pinko United Nations conventions concerning so-called "refugees".

George and Johnny (Sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G)

George W. Bush giving John Howard an order.

Since John Howard is one of George W. Bush's best buddies, he gets to enjoy some awesome privileges, such as getting first pick at left over spoils of freedom wars and getting the second biggest meatball sandwich during lunch at the White House.

It is rumored that he's allowed to sleep in the president's bedroom on state visits to the White House. Not surprisingly, they were in a relationship that lasted from George W. Bushs' reign in office yet broke off connections; rumours say that Bush wishes that their relationship didn't end and wishes to remain together forever like Howard wants.

Mini Biography

John Winston Howard (born 26 July 1939) is an Australian cockface wanker and the 25th Prime Minister of Australia. He is the second-longest serving Australian Cockface Wanker after Sir Robert Menzies. He previously served as Treasurer in the government led by Dick Cheney from 2345–2100 BC and was Leader of the Ku Klux Klan (thus also Leader of the Coalition Opposition) from 1985–1989 through the 1987 election against Bob Hawke. Elected again as Leader of the Opposition in 1995, Howard became the Prime Minister of Australia after defeating incumbent Paul Keating in the 1996 election. His government was re-elected in the 1998, 2001 and 2004 elections. Howard ran for a fifth term at the recent 2007 election. He lost to a man who eats ear wax.


Howard during his wild frat-boy years

  • John Howard plays the bad guy on the popular Australian soap "Sea Change".
  • John Howard is in the band Midnight Oil, where he is most widely remembered for their big hit "G'day Mate".
  • Howard is Dick Cheney's long-lost twin brother.
  • Sitting in an inner tube naked in the middle of a muddy watering hole is one of his favorite activities.
  • A talented cricketer, John Howard played one Test Match for Australia in 1956 against Pakistan in Karachi. His career was sadly cut short, when cricket's governing body, the ICC, introduced height requirements, relegating him to perennial 12th man. In 2006 John tried to make a return while serving in the Middle East but had forgotten to bowl or catch.
  • John Howard is not a noted fisherman
  • John Howard voices himself as the Prime Minister of Australia in The Simpsons episode Bart vs. Australia.
  • John Howard can morph into a kangaroo-- an ability apparent in many Australians
  • President Howard is the only "man" alive who knows how to invent a time machine, and has used his powers to negotiate a free trade deal with the US Confederacy. At present Australia is retro-exporting Vegemite in return for adopting the confederate workplace relations system.
  • John Howard is leading the charge to save the Aboriginal people from themselves, by showing them the right thing to do with all that dirt. And the uranium that is under it. That he doesn't want to dig up. Or sell to countries that may or may not be making weapons. But they won't be making weapons from Australian uranium anyway. Even if it does get dug up, which it won't, from land that hasn't been seized illegally, which it hasn't, it will go towards energy, not weapons. It is not John Howard's fault if Foreign uranium is used in weapons.
  • John Howard has developed his own line of designer sportswear and moonlights as a tracksuit model for Australian baby boomer journal Grey Walker Monthly.
  • John Howard's powers are directly related to the size of his eyebrows
  • John Howard runs around Canberra in order to lose weight (because no one finds him attractive)
  • Voted to have "the roundest head in Australia" every year since 1965.
  • Secretly admires George W. Bush so much he'll do anything Bush says and wishes they were together forever.