Katie Holmes
Was an Uber Hottie but has committed an act of Hottie Treason!
She has angered Stephen Colbert and made The Baby Jesus cry.
She is banished to Hell to be Martha Stewart's hand maiden.

Katie Holmes
makes the Baby Jesus cry,
and should be treated with caution contempt!

Katie Holmes is photographed with Hobbit-like Tom Cruise, who is using his $cientology vodoo to woo her

Katie Holmes was a television and movie actress, and is currently the "wife" of the so-called "Christ of $cientology," Tom Cruise. As the wife to the "Christ of $cientology," Holmes is the de facto "Mary Magdalene" of $cientology. As such, it is her duty to wash the feet of all of the members of Cult of $cientology. In truthiness, Holmes acts as Cruise's Beard to attempt to help Cruise seem straight more appealing so that he may recruit more people to see his films and join the ranks of $cientology.


Photographed in an alternative universe is the Bizarro Normal version of Holmes and Cruise

Holmes was born in 1995, and was only 12 years old when Cruise married her. The statuesque Holmes towers over the tiny, four foot tall Cruise.

"Marriage" to Tom CruiseEdit

Holmes katie

Katie Holmes' face is crooked after being mistakenly hit with a frying pan during her special wedding ceremony to Tom Cruise

The so-called "Christ of $cientology," diminutive "actor" Tom Cruise, held auditions to pick his beard bride. At one audition, which functioned as a slumber party to put his guests at ease, Cruise set his eyes on the young and impressionable Holmes. The two initially hit it off when they did each others' hair. They had much in common, including the belief that aliens inhibit them and their affection for David Beckham. Cruise eventually worked up the courage to ask Holmes on a date.

After several months of brainwashing courtship by Cruise and his $cientology network, Holmes married Cruise in a typical $cientology wedding ceremony.

Suri Colbert-Klein-Hubbard-Holmes-CruiseEdit


Katie and some guy


The liberal media and their lies

Katie Holmes gave birth to Suri, who is likely not Cruise's child. It is rumored that Holmes used Stephen Colbert's Formula 402 to impregnate herself. The father could also be Chris Klein, Holmes' previous boyfriend. It is unknown whether Klein has the balls necessary, however, to impregnate Holmes with his seed.

L. Ron Hubbard is believed to have balls enough to impregnate Katie, but [This comment is no longer available due to a copyright claim by The Church of $cientology, International™©®].

Professional CareerEdit


Katie Holmes' new career is that of a Beard after her compulsory retirment from the acting to join the ranks of $cientology

Katie Holmes was an actor. She is best known for her role on The Dawson's Creek, a show about kids with large vocabularies and even larger heads. Holmes was eventually forced encouraged to quit the acting in order focus on her job as "Mary Magdalene" of the $cientology.

See AlsoEdit

External TubesEdit

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