Godless Killing Machines
Kitlers, or kitten Hitlers, are a rare breed of cat resulting from a secret Natzification program that occurred late in World War II to ensure that the future seeds of National Socialism could be sown through cats. Attempting to fulfill Hitler’s wishes of taking over the world, they operate by moving into the homes of old Jews and pouncing on them repeatedly until they died of acquired allergies (and poison gas that the Kitlers emit). It is well known that many older Jews have a weakness for furry kittens, as they feel they are kindred spirits due to they fact that they are the only creatures that enjoy whitefish salad. The movement has grown stronger through the years, as each passing of a crazy cat lady adds to the Kitlers’ morale and death toll.
Do YOU haz Kitler?
You can never be completely sure if you have a Kitler under your roof until it strikes, but careful observation of these traits can blow your Kitler’s cover prior to its big move.
- Small, dark patch of fur above mouth.
- Dark, curly hairballs.
- Love of cuddling and belly-rubs.
- Spends many hours every day alone (plotting).
- Often rhythmic and angered meowing.
- Hatred of Jews
- Grasp of grammar superior to that of other cats.
The Kitler’s base of operations is Meowschwitz, where they have established work camps for Jewish Cats, or as they call them, Mews. The Mews are cruelly forced to unravel yarn, scratch sofas and chase butterflies for the Kitlers. Many attempts to save the Mews have been made, but the armies of Kitlers have kept the Mews from freedom. The Kitlers’ highest-ranking officers include Eva Pawun, Meowseph Goebbels, Purrmann Goring and Leni Riefenshclaw.
Kitlers’ movement and cause have expanded and made their way into households around the world. Their powers include incredible cuteness and agility—the result of many years of masterful breeding of only the most perfect feline genes. We must all remain constantly vigilant to keep the threat of Kitlers at bay.