Not to be confused with Master Debater, masturbaters don't go to heaven. Look at Stephen's palms — do they look hairy? Of course not. That's because Dr. Colbert doesn't touch himself down there; he uses tongs when he has to pee. Masturbation is both homersexual and murder and must therefore be monitored.
Masturbation occurs in three main forms:
In summary: political masturbation occurs when two heads of state meet and mutually ingratiate with each other to the point that one or other of them walks away smiling; presidential masturbation occurs when George Bush meets Tony Blair for cocktails, potato chips and a game of nude Twister in the Oval office; and, finally, diplomatic masturbation occurs when, at an interview, the interviewer and the interviewee frig each other to a climax of back slapping, hugging and mutual self-ingratiation.
Slang terms for Masturbating
- choking the chicken
- spanking the monkey
- giving oneself a freedom grope
- Flogging the Bishop
- Waxing the Dolphin
- Shaking Hands with the Mayor
- Beating the Common Law Wife
- A Tussle with Russell the One-Eyed Muscle
- Pole Dancing
- Watching Fox and Friends