when you touch yourself you make The Baby Jesus sad!
Keep your hands where we can see them!

makes The Baby Jesus sad.
Does your mother know you read these filthy liberal myths?

Not to be confused with Master Debater, masturbaters don't go to heaven. Look at Stephen's palms — do they look hairy? Of course not. That's because Dr. Colbert doesn't touch himself down there; he uses tongs when he has to pee. Masturbation is both homersexual and murder and must therefore be monitored.

People who masturbate aren't fooling the rest of us.

Masturbation occurs in three main forms:

  1. Political Masturbation
  2. Presidential Masturbation and
  3. Diplomatic Masturbation

In summary: political masturbation occurs when two heads of state meet and mutually ingratiate with each other to the point that one or other of them walks away smiling; presidential masturbation occurs when George Bush meets Tony Blair for cocktails, potato chips and a game of nude Twister in the Oval office; and, finally, diplomatic masturbation occurs when, at an interview, the interviewer and the interviewee frig each other to a climax of back slapping, hugging and mutual self-ingratiation.

Masturbation Documentary

Slang terms for Masturbating

  • choking the chicken
  • spanking the monkey
  • giving oneself a freedom grope
  • Flogging the Bishop
  • Waxing the Dolphin
  • Shaking Hands with the Mayor
  • Beating the Common Law Wife
  • A Tussle with Russell the One-Eyed Muscle
  • Pole Dancing
  • Watching Fox and Friends
  • Mmmmmmmmggglllphhh...

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