Meta-Free-Phor-All: Shall I Nail Thee To A Summer's Day?
is a featured segment of
the Greatest American Television Show--EVER!!!, The Colbert Report.



Stephen announced the Metaphor-Off! on the April 17, 2007 edition of The Report.

The Metaphor Off! between Stephen Colbert and Sean Penn took place on the April 19, 2007 edition of The Colbert Report.

It came about as a result of Penn's metaphorical denouncement of the Iraq War in comparison to President Bush's underwear.

Special Guest ModeratorEdit

  • Author of such metaphors as the resonating grail of memory and the sorrow gathered in ruffles at his throat and cuffs, former U.S. Poet Laureate Robert Pinsky.


  • Standard Metaphor-Off! rules applied.

Metaphorical BuzzersEdit


  • World Leaders
  • Human Emotions
  • Occupations
  • Bonus Round: Visual Clue



Stephen wuz robbed!

Three rounds worth one point each, plus a final round with 10 million points, which could decide the winner.

Round One: no points awarded
Round Two: no points awarded
Round Three: 1 point awarded to Dr. Colbert

Final Round: 10 million points awarded to Sean Penn

Sean Penn was declared the winner, by a margin of 9,999,999 points. It was a set up...someone at the Colbert Report clearly has a liberal bias. They must be found, immediately!


  • Sam Dawson, from I Am Sam
  • Matthew Poncelet, from Dead Man Walking
  • Jeff Spicoli, from Fast Times at Ridgemont High
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