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Michael Chertoff
is one happenin' Jewish cat!
Shalom, baby!
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Michael Chertoff
is a Beautiful Republican
God Bless America
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Yer doin' a heckuva job,
Baldy!


He does kinda look like Freddie Krueger, doesn't he?

Michael Chertoff is the Greatest Homeland Security Secretary Ever. He makes sure Americans are secure and the Homeland is safe from Communists, terrorists, Nazis, Islamofacists and hurricanes. Michael is praised by Greatest President Ever, George W. Bush often as being the greatest Homeland Security Secretary Ever. He loves America and Americans and proves it by being the best person in charge when it comes to natural disasters such as hurricanes (see:Hurricane Katrina). He is a member of God's own party.

What Stephen Thinks of Chertoff

Initially, Stephen Colbert was not sure Chertoff was the best choice for the position, as he had done nothing to control the bear population. However, after receiving a thoughtful note and his own personal bear deterrent[1] on April 29, 2006, Stephen now feels confident with Chertoff in charge.

The Note

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Text of the note enclosed with Stephen's personal bear deterrent.

4/29

Because we want
all Americans to
feel safe...

Here is your

personal bear
deterrent
.

MC

The Gut-O-Meter

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Michael Chertoff
will one day be a fine addition
to the Greatest Corporation of All--FOX!!!

The latest weapon in the war on terror. Of course, the whole thing could get thrown off if Chertoff eats a spicy meal.

Chertoff redicts terrorist acts in America with his gut: the Gut-O-Meter. This new tool has made the color coded Terror Threat Level obsolete.

WARNING: ACCORDING TO CHERTOFF'S GUT-O-METER, AMERICA WILL BE ATTACKED BY TERRORISTS IN THE SUMMER OF 2007

On July 11, 2007, Chertoff announced his "gut feeling" that America faces a terrorist attack some time this summer; and we all know that gut feelings are the truthiest kind of feelings.

Chertoff Factoids

  • Believes Louisiana is a city
  • Michael Chertoff is actually a Mountain Lion.

Actually a Mountain Lion



Footnotes

  1. The deterrent is a small bell which can be worn while hiking, to make a bear think it is Christmas, which they hate because they are Godless Killing Machines.
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Michael Chertoff
is the cabinet post or job
of the United States of America
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This article contains information about an upcoming or ongoing Catastrophuck in the United States.
Content may change dramatically as the debacle unfolds.
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