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Michael Vick
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An alpha dog always brings the Truth!

Michael "BM-Eater"[1] Vick, aka Ron Mexico, is a beloved American athlete, entrepreneur. Vick is also a media darling and this accounts for the fact that he is so frequently mentioned in newspaper headlines. Many celebrate Vick as the second coming of OJ Simpson.


Vick is the son of a British Lord and Lady who were marooned on the West coast of Africa, which may or may not exist, by pirates. Vick's parents died when he was an infant, and he was raised by animals, who he then forced to fight to the death for his amusement.

As a young adult, Vick met Arthur Blank who, with others of his party was marooned at exactly the same spot on the African coast where Vick's parents were marooned roughly twenty years earlier. Observing Vick's terrific athletic potential, Blank convinces Vick to go to America to play for Blank's football team, which was completely consistent with the pirate code.

Football SkillzEdit


Ron Mexico, aka Michael Vick, celebrates hitting a touchdown on the football court

Michael Vick initially rose to fame an athlete specializing in the football (American variety).

Vick plays the position of quaterback on the football diamond, which is sort of like a pitcher in baseball. Due to his exceptional play, Vick is regarded as "the thinking man's truthiness quaterback." For example, rather than using his brain and attempting to choose the appropriate offensive play to run against a defense, Vick instead prefers to rely on his gut and run around like a chicken with its head cut off.


Vick / Mexico engages in a "platonic" embrace after a football match.

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"I love playing professional football and rough physical contact on the field, however, I enjoy male contact off the field as well."
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~ Ron Mexico[2]

Vick is also known for his extrordinary athletic prowess. For example, Vick's passing arm is so powerful that he frequently overthrows his receivers. Because Vick's receivers are so less talented than Vick, his current football squadron, the Falcons, have continually been forced to acquire different receivers each football season in an attempt to have receivers to match Vick's athleticism.

Bizness ExploitzEdit


Vick prepares to complete a power play goal

In recent years, Vick has branched out from football and has established himself as a prominent businessman. In 2005, in association with Prescott Pharmaceuticals, Vick, using his psuedonym Ron Mexico, started a business for the purpose of selling herpes related pharmaceuticals.[3] Products included the groundbreaking product Vicksadrine, a potent pill genetically engineered using Vick's own super DNA. In 2007, to the consternation of airport security screeners nationwide, Vick's company expanded to producing products with hidden compartments, like water bottles, in which one may discretely store their medicine. [4]

Not content to rest on his laurels, Vick allegedly established and operated a dog kennel.[5] Thus, Vick wears many hats in addition to his football helmet. Indeed, Vick has emerged as a modern renaissance man in the same mold as OJ Simpson.

Charity WorkEdit

On April 24, 2007, Vick was scheduled to lobby on Capitol Hill, hoping to persuade lawmakers to increase funding for something or other. Vick, however, failed to show for his appearance at a congressional breakfast. Vick's publicist claims that Vick's failure to appear was due to his missing a plane. In truthiness, Vick refused to appear in front of Congress once he discovered that it was now controlled by Democrats because he feared that the Democrats would steal all of his hard-earned money.


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In light of the seriousness of the charges, I believe that Mr. Vick should be suspended from the League, effective immediately.
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~ John Kerry
Vick animals

Michael Vick seen here with his woodland pals.
Photo by photographer Brian Walski.

In 2007, Vick was indicted on charges that he promoted dog fighting. However, our guts tell us tell us this is just another liberal smear campaign designed to bring an alpha dog down. Come on liberals, still not over the time the high school quarterback shoved you into your locker?

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Vick is like school during the summer...No class.
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~ Fat Albert, Humane Society spokesperson

Michael Vick works as a vet during the off season.

Vick is ready to admit that he might have owned a property in Virginia, but he never stepped foot in the place. Do you really think that a star quarterback, worth millions, would be hanging out at some dump in the middle of the country watching dogs fight each other. I mean...come...on! Michael Vick is a member of Colbert Platinum; if he wanted to see some animals fight, he'd get some Velociraptors cloned and have em fight it out in the Superdome. The point is moot anyway, because Michael Vick loves animals to death, especially cute little puppies.


Michael Vick tells the media that he always "takes a pass on grass."

While new reports say that the liberals have forced Vick to plead guilty, the liberal news is once again: WRONG. The media charges that Vick used his hands to kill the dogs, however, only rope and water were used, and only to waterboard the dogs when they peed on the carpet. While the Humane Society of America has argued that this is still cruel and unusual punishment, defense attorney Alberto Gonzales has found their definition of inhumane treatment to be rather quaint and obsolete in today's dog-eat-dog world. All of us Heros know that the liberals are just Playa-hatan' on Vick.

More recently, in October 2007, the liberal media provided more unfounded rumors about Mr. Vick. This time, the crazy media claims that Vick tested postited positive for marijuana during the 2007 football season.[6] Get real! First, a gifted athlete like Vick would never do drugs. Second, Vick isn't even playing this season. Finally, Marijuana is all natural, like snake venom and cancer. So, it's not even a big deal even if he did try a little of the wacky tabacchy!



Vick, in homage to his hero Dick Cheney, shows his respect to hometown fans with a special hand gesture.

  • Vick uses a special hand gesture to honor the hometown fans who watch him play the football.
  • Vick intentionally has never won the World Series of football so as to not make others jealous of him. Because Vick is so considerate, he may not even play football this year again so that others, who are less talented than him, may have a chance to win.
Vick mind

Amateur psychic Vick looks into the future and sees himself in an orange jump suit....

  • Vick is so physically blessed that he is an amateur psychic.
  • Every $cientologist chooses a male obsession favorite athlete to follow. Just as David Beckham is Tom Cruise's favorite soccer player, Vick is John Travolta's favorite football player. Although Vick plays the position of quaterback, for some reason, Travolta refers to Vick as "Tight End."
  • Vick's favorite song is "Who Let the Dogs Out."


  1. Vick earned his nickname because, prior to every home game, he goes to Tino's restaurant and eats cat feces. In addition to its feces entrees, Tino's is famous for its live entertainment, featuring the jazz flute stylings of Ron Burgundy.

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