Natalie Portman
Was an Uber Hottie but has committed an act of Hottie Treason!
She has angered Stephen Colbert and made The Baby Jesus cry.
She is banished to Hell to be Martha Stewart's hand maiden.

Natalie Portman
is a CELEBRITY! Oh. My. God.
Natalie Portman
is one happenin' Jewish cat!
Shalom, baby!
Despite what you may have heard
Natalie Portman
Is totally not lesbionic!

Natalie Portman, American actress and potential Lady Nocturne, could still not help but wonder whether her milkshake brings all the boys to the yard.

Natalie Portman is an American actress who is best known for her role as Luke & Leia Skywalker's mom in the Star Wars prequels. She is also slated to play the part of Lady Nocturne in the film adaptation of Stephen Colbert's novel, Stephen Colbert's Alpha Squad 7: Lady Nocturne: A Tek Jansen Adventure.


It is believed that Natalie Portman is actually a lesbian, but there is no truthiness present to back this up. She is obviously bisexual. Along with this, it is apparently next to impossible to hook up with her and not be part of a massive coverup campaign to make it look as if Portman is asexual. We don't need your facts. We know the truth. It is also not commonly known that Natalie Portman is able to grant three wishes when her tummy is rubbed by an attractive female.

Seduced to the dark sideEdit

During the 2008 election, America's sweetheart forever tarnished her all-American image (and tore up her ticket to Heaven) by supporting Barack Hussein Obama. As much as it pains us to do it, we must now declare her un-Hot; from this day forward, anyone who gets that 'ol frisky feeling when they see her face is as much a traitor as she is.


Natalie Portman


Your Naughty buttocks will suffer from the wrath of her Riding Crop!
  • Natalie is not just hot, but "Depressingly Hot"
  • Tied with Angelina Jolie as the second most masturbated to person of 2005 (Stephen Colbert was first, as he is every year)
  • Was often known to "Naboo" the Queen's handmaidens on the set of Star Wars
  • Natalie pays an ugly and possibly pregnant woman to walk in front of her (as seen in the picture above) so she can travel unnoticed.
  • Natalie plays a stripper in the erotic film Closer. Before you use The Google to find screen caps, remember Baby Jesus does not approve.
  • When Chuck Norris masturbates, he thinks of Stephen Colbert's body and Natalie Portman's face.
  • She is a Bad Ass Assassin. The Professional was her teacher.
  • Her "Accomplishment" has three asses in it.
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