Stastny Yan.jpg
Ontario Hockey League
is Hockey-related
making it un-American
Ontario Hockey League
is too Canadian, speak American, eh.

Ontario Hockey League

The Ontario Hockey League, or OHL, is a hockey league based in the Canadian province of Ontario, which is the one next to Michigan where Toronto is. And let's face it, Montreal is pretty much the only city in Canada anyway. There is one team in the league that is American.

History of the Ontario Hockey League[edit | edit source]

The primary reason for the survival of the OHL

The league contains seventeen minor league hockey teams. That is how many Stephen has mentioned by name. So there (see below). After the sport was invented in 1952, and after the NHL was created soon after, the sport of hockey took off in popularity, especially after the CBC began TV broadcasting in 1957. As a result, more people wanted to play hockey than there were roster spots in the NHL. Therefore, a minor league was created, and was called the Ontario Hockey League. It is the only hockey league which exists other than the NHL. Despite this, those communists over at the New York Times can't see fit to print the OHL standings in its so-called Sports section. Luckily for us, Stephen Colbert gives the OHL coverage in his weekly Spor Repor. There has been some recent consideration of renaming the league the the SCL (Stephen Colbert League).

Teams in the Ontario Hockey League[edit | edit source]

The only team in the league that sucks so badly they had teddy bears thrown at them.

  • Saginaw Spirit - The only American team in the league, and Stephen Colbert's favorite hockey team. Also, the only team worth seeing play the sport of hockey.
  • Owen Sound Attack - Stephen may not have anything bad to say about the city of Owen Sound, but their mascot is a bear. Yes, it is. A godless killing machine. This makes the Attack the # 1 archenemy of the Spirit. They must be stopped at all costs.
  • Belleville Bulls - The Spirit decimated them to clinch a playoff spot, therefore, this team must suck beyond recognition.
  • Brampton Battalion - Brampton, if that is the city's real name, can't even stop people from vandalizing a golf course!
  • Kingston Frontenacs - The Saginaw Spirit destroyed them 8-1, so Frontenac must be French for bend over and take it, bitch!

London Knights versus Windsor Spitfires. Spot o' tea? That'd be lovely! How's yer mum? Cheers! Did'ja catch the cricket last night on the telly? Bloody hell! Let go of my shirt, ya wanker!

  • Kitchener Rangers - A worthless band of Canadians.
  • London Knights - A team which hails from jolly England. Their travel costs must be insane!
  • Mississauga IceDogs - Not the Saginaw Spirit, but according to Stephen, it is more worthwhile watching them play against the Sudbury Wolves than keeping Congress in session to debate and pass an unholy raise in the federal minimum wage.
  • Oshawa Generals - Fans in the city known as "Oshawa bin Laden" partake in unholy anti-Colbert demonstrations where teddy bears are tossed on the ice.
  • Ottawa 67s - The Saginaw Spirit blew them out, but still, watch out for Jamie McGinn and Matthieu Methot! They are tearing it up!

A Frontenac and a Pete. Whatever the crap those are.

  • Petersborough Petes - What the #$@! is a pete?
  • Plymouth Whalers - Team in first place in Saginaw's division. They are currently falling for the Colbert "pretend you're weak" strategy. In the playoffs, these guys are gonna get suckered right in the chops. You just watch.
  • Sarnia Sting - Sarnia sucks, and so does Sting.
  • Sault Sainte Marie Greyhounds - They "sainte" gonna beat the Saginaw Spirit! Their town is named after a saint whose miracles were apparently dubious at best.
  • Sudbury Wolves - They got OWNED by the Saginaw Spirit and Jesus
  • Toronto Saint Michael's Majors - Not sure what a Saint Michael Major is, but some research on their web site tells us that it is a coat rack.
  • Windsor Spitfires - Witnesses of the introduction of Steagle Colbeagle the Eagle, and they were no match for the glory of Colbert. The Saginaw Spirit made them EAT IT.

There are apparently five other teams in the league. But we aren't sure what they are, because Stephen Colbert hasn't mentioned them by name. Why would we trust any other source when it comes to such vital information?

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