W A R N I N G ! ! !
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ATTENTION: This Page is for Real Americans™ ONLY
If you are not a Real American™, pack your bags and report to GITMO.

is Very Manly™.
Body Parts Series

The Real American sexual organ is known as the "penis ". The plural of this is peni, but men who have to use this term should seek professional help, or tell Stephen Colbert how they achieved such a feat. When the founding fathers built America, using their peni as hammers, and their semen as ink to write the constiution, they said "The bigger the penis, the Realer the American."

Most Women accuse Real Gay Americans, such as The Greatest President Ever, George W. Bush, of starting wars simply because they have such large peni. This is true. In fact, George W. Bush has the largest penis of any president since George Washington. Although no Real American would ever ask about the size of another Real American's penis, it is a well known fract that Stephen Colbert has the largest penis of all time.

Uses of the PenisEdit

Proper Use and AlternativesEdit

A Real American uses his penis for only those purposes intended by Stephen Colbert; namely, to have as much dominating sex during wedlock as possible, and to make war. Stephen does not approve of women having sex, or men having mutually enjoyable "sex" before wedlock, because God wants all His women children to maintain their virginality.

Men whose butt sex drive are insufficiently American for the performance of their procreative duties are encouraged to adopt children, especially the children of liberals. These children will be most grateful to accept Real Americans as their New Parents, especially if they are raised up right in the ways of Stephen. An alternative to straight adoption for the childless American couple is the procurement of Stephen's own Formula 401 or Formula 402.


A normal-sized, rock-hard penis. Gay men should spend their time carving 20ft. statues of naked pretty-boys out of solid rock to keep their hands busy and to take their minds off of their penis.

Improper Uses of the PenisEdit

Men who use their penis for homosexual intercourse are doomed to hell. In fact, any liberal who uses his penis will probably go to hell. A man should never use his penis in a way that women would find enjoyable. A bear who uses his penis should be shot by all Real Americans. Anyone who disagrees is Un-American.

Just Keep It to Yourself Uses of the PenisEdit

For male teenagers, the penis is very special. While not endorsed by Stephen Colbert for its non-virginality, many young men engage in practices which help them better understand themselves. Such activity is consistent with Stephen's moral values, which encourage all young men to be as knowledgeable of their awesome penile power as possible.

Metaphorical Uses of the PenisEdit

Traditionally, the penis is represented by a gun -- the smaller the penis, the smaller the gun. This is why women and men with extremely tiny peni tend to dislike war and nucular weapons.

Similarly, the automobile metaphorically represents the penis. This is why Real Americans drive only Hummers and other SUVs.

The penis is our lord. Those who do not follow the all mighty penis of Joe Biden are not real Americans. All real Americans have a life size dong that they pray too three times a day. They must get on there dong mat and start screaming random arabic. Such as "Allahu Ackbar"

Being Addicted to the PenisEdit

Some men, with such an attraction to their penis, have actually given it a name. Real Americans give their penis a name like Washington, Rex, Crow the Warrior King, etc. Only a liberal would name their penis Twinky, Milhouse, or other such girly trash. Men should never ask what another man has named his penis, because that is gay. Never let women name the penis of her boyfriends.

The Washington Monument is a scale model of George Washington's, one of the founding fathers, penis.

In addition to naming their penis, REAL AMERICAN men groom it. enforces a strict penile-shaving policy, reflecting Dr. Colbert's well-known approval of this practice. Real Americans should have a penis which is hairless. This is because a hairy penis is unsanitary as it can support its own ecosystem. And ecosystems, like bears, must be eradicated!

Famous Penises and their OwnersEdit

Despite the gag-order on men revealing the name of their penis, some famous penises have come clean and spilled the truth. The following is a list of famous penises and their owners:

Common Nicknames For "Penis"Edit

  • willy
  • twig (along with "berries")
  • chicken (only when it's being choked)
  • trouser snake
  • Disco Stick

World Record HolderEdit

Stephen Colbert is believed to be the proud owner of the world's largest penis. His enormous member is believed to be approximately 18.5 inches in length, and possess a similarly impressive diameter.

Women and the PenisEdit


Penis envy does not exist among women.

For many women, the penis is a wonderful organ. However, penis envy does not exist among women, as proved in the film What Women Want. Only a tree hugger, a hippie, or a communist would ever have to question if his penis was good enough.[1] A Real American knows how to listen to his guts and so he understands that the bigger the penis, the better.[2]

There are many uses of the penis that women enjoy, but that doesn't matter, because women, who have no penis, are not Real Americans.[3]

For more information about the penis ask your mom. she knows a lot about cock.

Famous PenisesEdit

See AlsoEdit

Peen TubesEdit


  1. Factinistas don't question their sexual prowess because they never get any, and so have no experience to worry about.
  2. Ironically, while liberals tend to have a lot of "knowledge" about the use of the penis because they don't support abstinence-only sex education, this does not make sexual intercourse any more pleasant for liberal women. It does not matter how much theoretical knowledge of sex a liberal might have if he's a Girly Man, because a real woman wants a Manly Man.
  3. Source: the average Real American man.


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