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The President of the United States of America is basically like the King of America, except he is not Elvis. He is also democratically elected, which supports democracy, freedom, liberty, and family values. He is America's greatest national treasure and one true leader of the free world (as long as he does not happen to be one of those cut and run Democrats). The president holds most of the power in our great country, and would have all of it except for liberal activist judges constantly screaming about "checks and balances". Our president should never be questioned on any issue unless you hate freedom.

The official acronym for the title of President of the United States of America is POTUS, which should provide a reasonably good idea of just what these guys are smoking when they are liberal Democrats leading the country in the wrong direction. Like away from Iraq. George H.W. Bush was actually a Democrat in disguise when he did that, but it was not his fault.

The President of the United States of America also serves as the Mayor of Washington D.C. The people of D.C thought they could home rule themselves. Seeing he was busy with increasing gas prices and taking jobs away from hard working Christian Americans, Liberal President Jimmy “the peanut” Carter decided to give the people their wishes in 1979. This misguided and moronic decision lead to a freewheeling liberal crackhead, Marion Barry, ruling the city. Seeing the people of Washington D.C. could not be trusted to select a proper leader, the great George H.W. Bush took away their privileges and took over rule. D.C. is now again one of the safest places to live in the country.


List of Presidents of the United States of America

These ones are the real presidents, not those poser punk kids.

1. George Washington (1789-1797) -- Republican

  • Was the first President of the United States of America ever.
  • Established the United States of America as a powerful, assertive, independent nation that would kick another nation's ass for looking at it funny.
  • Fantastic president!

2. John Adams (1797-1801) -- Republican

3. Thomas Jefferson (1801-1809) -- Democrat

  • Was also a Founding Father.
  • Founded the Democratic Party.
  • Bought the state of Louisiana via the Louisiana Purchase when the French needed the money to surrender some more.
  • Diddled his slaves.
  • Grew hemp.
  • Was probably high all the time.

4. James Madison (1809-1817) -- Republican

5. James Monroe (1817-1825) -- Republican

  • Told that snobby Europe (not even a real continent!) to stop messing with America.
  • Gave statehood status to Alabama, Missippippi, and a few other places that can be counted on to vote for Republicans in every election. Definitely a good thing.
  • Good president.

6. John Quincy Adams (1825-1829) -- Republican

  • Began the great tradition of presidential dynasties by being John Adams's son and then getting elected as president.
  • Was not a racist.
  • Remembered as an important and excellent president.

7. Andrew Jackson (1829-1837) -- Democrat

  • Became the first bad President of the United States ever.
  • Tried to kill Native Americans and displace them.
  • Tried to fight a bank. Who the hell fights a bank?
  • Was pretty much an evil SOB. Every patriotic American should boycott dimes with his face on them.
  • First President to practice true Badassery while in office.

8. Martin Van Buren (1837-1841) -- Democrat

  • Had really awful hair.
  • Presided over the Great Depression prototype, which was called the Panic of 1837. Nobody liked it.
  • Was cruel to black people and grossly mishandled the Amistad incident.
  • Hated by John Quincy Adams and narrowly escaped annihilation from the death rays of his head; if only JQA had better aim!
  • Very, very bad president.

9. William Henry Harrison (1841-1841) -- Whig

  • Served for thirty days as President of the United States of the America.
  • Let the entire country down by dying after those thirty days in office.
  • What the hell is a Whig, anyway!?

10. John Tyler (1841-1845) -- Whig

  • Pretty much nothing.
  • The first truly forgettable president.

11. James K. Polk (1845-1849) -- Democrat

  • Invented polka. The world never quite ceased to regret that.
  • Very bad president. Democrat. (This period of American history is commonly referred to as the Doldrums.)

12. Zachary Taylor (1849-1850) -- Whig

  • Continued the Doldrums period by dying of a stomachache sixteen months into his presidency, which seems to have been a Whig custom. As with William Harrison, let America down terribly.

13. Millard Fillmore (1850-1853) -- Whig

  • Inspired Republican cartoon icon Mallard Fillmore, who would have been a much better president.
  • Notable only for having no Vice President, evidently intending to discontinue the Whig custom of dying in office.
  • Was never reelected. How shocking.

14. Franklin Pierce (1853-1857) -- Democrat

  • Stabbed people, thus earning his terrible last name.
  • Wretched president.

15. James Buchanan (1857-1861) -- Democrat

  • Hated being president.
  • Was not very good at it.
  • Eventually became the grandfather of Pat Buchanan, who thankfully ignored his grandfather and grew up to become a good Republican.

16. Abraham Lincoln (1861-1865) -- Republican

  • Ended the Doldrums by being one of the best presidents ever.
  • Fought on the front lines during the Civil War.
  • Ended slavery.
  • Brought the North and the South back together.
  • Annexed the pro-slavery Confederate States of America and personally punched out their fake president, Jefferson Davis.
  • Eventually got shot, but is probably being cryogenically preserved to lead America through troubled times that may be yet to come (especially if Hillary Clinton becomes the 44th President of the United States of America, which would be illegal because she is a woman).
  • Best President Ever.

17. Andrew Johnson (1865-1869) -- Democrat

  • Huh? You mean Andrew Jackson, right?

18. Ulysses S. Grant (1869-1877) -- Republican

  • Supported rights for black people.
  • Created Yellowstone National Park from a pile of dust.
  • Amended the Constitution to allow blacks to vote.
  • Granted stuff.
  • Good president.
  • Contrary to popular belief, Grant was not an alcoholic. He was allergic to alcohol, thereby making him exceptionally vulnerable to it, creating the myth.
  • He won the Civil War.

19. Rutherford B. Hayes (1877-1881) -- Democrat

  • Wasted his presidency doing absolutely nothing of importance, therefore was not really a Republican (see Republican In Name Only). Obviously a Democrat in secret.

20. James A. Garfield (1881-1881) -- Cat

  • The first and, to date, the only cat president.
  • Ate too much lasagna and died after only six and a half months in office. Therefore, he has been suspected of secretly being a Whig.

21. Chester A. Arthur (1881-1885) -- Democrat

  • Did nothing. Therefore was just another Republican In Name Only (RINO).

22. Grover Cleveland (1885-1889) -- Democrat

  • Talked funny.
  • Only the Democrats would elect a Muppet to the office of President of the United States of America. Maybe they do that sort of thing in France, but in America, it is just an example of how the country was going downhill at this time.
  • Was a bad president, of course.

23. Benjamin Harrison (1889-1893) -- Whig

  • Son of William Harrison.
  • Grandfather of George Harrison.
  • Obviously, was required to have been of the same political affiliation as his father (fitting with the pattern of other presidential dynasties), so was a Whig in secret while pretending to be a Republican.

24. Grover Cleveland (1893-1897) -- Democrat

  • Was the other personality of the first President Grover Cleveland, which is why he is counted as being president twice. The cheating bastard. Another reason to hate multiple personality disorder.
  • Still a bad president. Muppets do not belong in the White House.

25. William McKinley (1897-1901) -- Republican

  • Served as a powerful wartime president.
  • Led the invasion force that occupied the Philippines, but was tragically shot and mortally wounded on the battlefield.
  • Was flown back to Washington D.C. and died wrapped in the American Flag on the steps of Capitol Hill.
  • One of the most popular presidents of all time.

26. Theodore Roosevelt (1901-1909) -- Republican

  • Had a monocle glass.
  • Fought in the Spanish-American War.
  • Captured Cuba almost singlehandedly.
  • Led America into the twentieth century in the stead of his brave predecessor, William McKinley, and did an even better job.
  • Fell victim to Democratic smear tactics and propaganda when a stuffed bear - an icon of pure evil - was named Teddy in his "honor", mocking this great American hero.
  • After his death, his mustache was preserved and later presented to Geraldo Rivera.

27. William H. Taft (1909-1913) -- Republican

  • Regarded as having been the most taftful president in American history.
  • Invented taffy.
  • Was possibly a whale (source of salt water in taffy?); either that or just really, really fat...probably from eating so many of America's enemies.
  • Another great Republican president.

28. Woodrow Wilson (1913-1921) -- Democrat

  • Refused to launch a preemptive strike on Nazi Germany during World War I, which means that he was a pussy.
  • Did not even get involved in the war until it was almost over, greatly embarrassing America and failing to display its true power.
  • Gave women the right to vote.
  • Terrible president.

29. Warren Harding (1921-1923) -- Democrat

  • Died in office. Did nothing otherwise.
  • Officially a Republican, but just another RINO, thus making him a Democrat by default.
  • America's first Negro president, as revealed by John McLaughlin.
  • The G stands for "gangsta."
  • Worst President Ever.

30. Calvin Coolidge (1923-1929) -- Republican

  • Inspired the great comic book character hero in the strip Calvin & Hobbes.
  • Invented the refrigerator to cool things.
  • Did not talk very much.
  • Generally regarded as having been a very successful president.

31. Herbert Hoover (1929-1933) -- Democrat

  • Caused the Great Depression, which made everybody really unhappy.
  • Called himself a Republican as part of an elaborate conspiracy to cripple the Republican Party by blaming them for the Great Depression.
  • Probably ate babies.
  • Had a bunch of crappy towns and a dam named after him.
  • Among the worst presidents ever.

32. Franklin Delano Roosevelt (1933-1945) -- Republican

  • Made the country feel better by curing the Great Depression.
  • Invented a lot of cool stuff, like Social Security (which he intended to be privatized by a future Republican government sharing his strong ideals and moral principles).
  • Entered the United States into World War II by defending Hawaii from attack by Japan; America proceeded to kick Axis ass almost singlehandedly throughout the rest of the war.
  • Was in a wheelchair, but could still kick ass.
  • Had a funny joke about being a Democrat, but was clearly just kidding (as evidenced by his strong wartime leadership and great accomplishments, and also by being Theodore Roosevelt's son and thus following the presidential dynasty pattern).
  • One of the greatest presidents ever, even though he died in office. He served for long enough to make up for it all right.

33. Harry S. Truman (1945-1953) -- Republican

  • Also joked about being a Democrat, but clearly was not because he had the balls to nuke Japan in order to end World War II, to start the Cold War to challenge evil Communism, and also to invade Korea to restore democracy and freedom to the region.
  • Therefore, good president.

34. Dwight D. Eisenhower (1953-1961) -- Republican

  • Was the second bald president.
  • Used the rays reflected from his scalp to frighten the Soviet Union Communists into accidentally bombing Kazakhstan instead of America, thus defending the world from certain Apocalypse.
  • Another good president.

35. John F. Kennedy (1961-1963) -- Democrat

  • Youngest person ever elected President of the United States of America.
  • Began the first ever U.S. Communist dictatorship (only ran for 2 years), turning sports celebrations into military parades.
  • Allowed Cuba to get their mitts on some nucular missiles; thankfully, the Republicans and Jesus managed to defuse the crisis before crazy Fidel Castro could kill the American South, which would have been devastating for the GOP and for the black civil rights movement, which would have got blown away before black people ever managed to stop segregation.
  • His wife was hot. So were most of his girlfriends.
  • Entered the Vietnam War - to date, the only bad war that America has ever fought. Go figure; it was a Democrat who started it.
  • Got shot in the head and died while in a car, beginning a long and illustrious tradition of automobile-related mishaps in the Kennedy family.

36. Lyndon B. Johnson (1963-1969) -- Democrat

  • Made the Vietnam War even worse.
  • Allowed rioters to burn great American cities, which fortunately displaced a lot of those snobby liberal urbanites, certainly making them think twice about voting Donkey in the next election.
  • Very bad president for the Democrats.

37. Richard Nixon (1969-1974) -- Republican/Democrat/Republican

  • Was a Republican up until the Watergate scandal, in which he stooped to levels that can only be described as "liberal" in order to discredit his political enemies and thus declared silent allegiance to the Democratic Party.
  • Got impeached by Congress and resigned the presidency.
  • Repented from his evil ways and returned to the Republican side, paving the way for his pardon by his presidential successor. Because he was pardoned, that makes his unsavory actions as a Democrat all better and allows history to emphasize his great contributions as a Republican, such as shouting at stupid people and being nicknamed Tricky Dick.
  • As with Abraham Lincoln, he is being cryogenically preserved. It is prophesied that his head will one day lead the human race to greatness.

38. Gerald Ford (1974-1977) -- Republican

  • Emulated the Amish by having the moral solidarity to forgive the treachery of his predecessor, Richard Nixon.
  • One of the most heroic, saintly presidents in American history.
  • Never fell down once in his entire life.
  • Invented the Crank Call
  • A great man whom all should seek to imitate - and not to poke fun at him!
  • Also started the Ford Motor Company during his presidency.

39. Jimmy Carter (1977-1981) -- Democrat

  • Gave aid and comfort to enemies of America, including Saddam Hussein, Osama bin Laden, and Yasser Arafat.
  • Helped clandestinely train Islamic fundamentalists (otherwise known as terrorists), supposedly to fight the Soviet Union. Can be blamed for 9/11 as such.
  • Crushed democracy in Panama.
  • Turned a blind eye to the humanitarian offenses of China.
  • Removed American forces from South Korea, leaving it vulnerable to attack from its evil neighbor, North Korea.
  • Made Peace between Israelis and the Egyptians - Probably the only good thing to come out of his presidency
  • Allowed radical Islamists to take control of Iran.
  • Failed to solve the Iranian hostage crisis.
  • Wasted his presidency on crappy peanuts.
  • One of the Best Presidents.

40. Ronald Reagan (1981-1989) -- Republican

  • Boosted the economy through the roof.
  • Made a lot of snobby Democrats go build log cabins to make them more like Republicans.
  • Brought the divided nation of America together.
  • Told Mikhail Gorbachev to tear down the Berlin Wall (and he actually did it!).
  • Brought the divided nation of Germany together.
  • Ended the Cold War in total American victory, having drained the Russian economy to power the American economy.
  • His face should be on the dime, because frankly, the Gipper kicked Andrew Jackson's sorry Democrat ass as a president. What an awesome dude.

41. George Bush (1989-1993) -- Republican/Democrat/Republican

  • Was a good Republican president and waged war on Iraq for the first time in the Gulf War.
  • Did not invade Iraq, though, because his mind had been temporarily overthrown by Nancy Pelosi to make him a RINO for a short time.
  • Returned to normal too late to be reelected and invade Iraq properly, but he has been a fairly good Republican ever since.

42. Bill Clinton (Bill) (1993-2001) -- Democrat

  • Got a blowjob from Monica Lewinsky and was too busy enjoying his orgasm to stop 9/11.
  • Sexy president.
  • Gave Elvira the job as a secretary of the new Department of Sexual Affairs, leading to the passage of Don't Ask (Hillary), Don't Tell (Hillary).

43. George W. Bush (2001-2009) -- Republican

  • Began the noble War on Terror to fight all things scary and has invaded two countries (Afghanistan and - finally! - Iraq) so far, and his presidency is not even over yet. It may very well never be over.
  • One of the most popular presidents in the world among white, conservative, wealthy, Christian Republicans (the only people who really matter).
  • Might have the honor of ushering in World War III, which would be a really big war and would make him an even better wartime president for being president during a really big war.
  • Rivals Ronald Reagan as the greatest president of all time.
  • worst. president. ever.

44. Barack Obama (2009-2017) -- Democrat

  • Endorsed By Stephen because he does not want to be a Loser
  • Yo-Yo Ma assumed the presidency due to Obama flubbing his speech but was later impeached and Obama came in.
  • Was the last president in three years after the events of Battle: Los Angeles

List of Future Presidents of the United States of America

45. Sarah Palin, The Greatest Maveratrix Ever (2017) -- Republican

  • Actually wins election, but Elvira, Mistress of the Dark, uses her powers to kill and defeat her on December 21, 2017, triggering the end of the world and the establishment of the United Communist States of America.
  • America's first PILF

45. Elvira, Mistress of the Dark (2017-2025) -- Democratic-Satanist

  • Will be the first glorious Communist-Socialist-Fascist-Nazi-Prostitutionist dictatorship
  • Will be the first president with supernatural powers
  • Will have Hillary Clinton as the glorious Vice Dictator
  • Would apppoint Lady Gaga as the czar to kill the Baby Jesus

46. Lady GaGa (2025-2033) -- Whig

  • Will be America's first president who knows how to dance.
  • First Italian-American president
  • Will surprise all of America by being the first Whig president to not die in office for a full two terms.

XX. Jeb Bush (20XX-) -- Republican

  • Will abolish the popular vote entirely.
  • Might "change" the democracy a little bit.
  • Probably will move the national capital to Miami in order to watch Girls Gone Wild.

XX. Stephen Jr. (20XX-) -- Republican

  • A true symbol of American freedom.
  • Will wage war on Canada for holding him prisoner for so long.

XX. Pierce Bush (2XXX-) -- Republican

  • Great first nephew, or the greatest first nephew?
  • Will not cut and run in Iraq, Afghanistan, Iran, Somalia, Syria, North Korea, Venezuela, Bolivia, Cuba, Pakistan, Belarus, or any other country we may have invaded by the time Pierce Bush becomes president.
  • Will go down in history as the smartest president ever.

XX. George P. Bush (2XXX-) -- Republican

  • Will give America to his Mexican overlords.
  • Will exploit his Mexican overlords to defeat Venezuela.
  • As the first "Hispanic" President, will convince all brown people to vote Republican.

XXX. Richard Nixon's Head (3001-) -- Republican Head

  • Will go to war with Decapod 10 and other planets that were just asking for it.
  • Watergate? What Watergate?

See Also

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