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Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall!
Robert Cornhole
and Robert Cornaul
should be merged to make my ghost happy!
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He discovered teeth. Before him we just gummed through our gruel.
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~ Sir Stephen T. Colbert, D.F.A., Ph.D., M.D.,E.S.Q.

Cornhole (seated left) after being woken from one of his "naps".

Robert Stephen Sinclair Cornhole (Born June 31, 1742) is one of America's founding fathers. He is most well-known for the invention of teeth. Robert Cornhole died on September 20, 1812 and was buried in Guam.

Invention of Teeth[edit | edit source]

One day while Cornhole and Thomas Priestly, future inventor of air, were getting high on low grade methamphetamine, Cornhole came up with a novel idea for the start of digestion of food. In addition to his bravery and fortitude in founding our Nation, he was also a scientist and inventor. His first widely popular invention was teeth, which he first crafted from the tusks of the North American hippopotamus, and one set is particularly famous for being worn by George Washington. The hippopotamus is currently extinct due to the great demand for Cornhole's teeth, abnormal obesity, and only being able to successfully copulate every 50 years.

Cornhole's invention and American's increased digestive prowess led to a massive decline in the American porridge industry, a major power in colonial America up until this point. Upon the invention, nearly all porridge manufacturers moved their business back across the Atlantic into Great Britain, where they flourished, as teeth had not yet found their way to the island. In a preemptive strike against further loss of business, the porridgers plotted to sabotage the import of colonial teeth by collaborating with pirates (Side note: up to this point in history, the traditional pirate flag was called simply the "roger", since without teeth it was impossible to tell whether or not the skull was smiling). The buccaneers were commissioned to attack the British tooth importation fleet and sink them, ensuring that the teeth would never reach England. However, during the attack, one ship, the HMS Truthiness was merely crippled and left for dead by the pirate hoards. The remainder of the damaged shipment of teeth was eventually rowed to shore several days afterwards on the Isle of Wight near Portsmouth.

The defective teeth (believed to be intact by the British, who of course had never had contact with them) were reverse-engineered by British entrepreneurs. These defective teeth were the only ones available in the British empire, and are officially recognized as the genesis of all British dental woes, the effects of which are still easily visible on the island today.

Other Inventions[edit | edit source]

Among Cornhole's numerous other inventions are a toothbrush made from walrus whiskers, a steam powered pocketwatch, and the beer helmet (frequently worn by Cornhole during the early sessions of the continental congress), as well as the discovery of the oak tree, whose bark Cornhole used to fashion the first "dental dam", so-called due to Cornhole's attribution of the design concept to the local beavers' industrious protection of their domestic orifices with oak bark. His journals have also revealed early plans for Trident® and Skoal®. These designs are particularly impressive since porcelain dentures, gingivitis and gum cancer would not be invented until 1820.

Founding Father[edit | edit source]

The "Cornhole-thesis" posits that Cornhole was one of America's Founding Fathers. Because Cornhole's position as founding father is little known he is therefore considered a "lost" founding father (not to be confused with the "found" founding fathers, the "lost" floundering farters, or the "last fondling fathers",an early warning of the recent Catholic unpleasantness). Cornhole was a friend with many prestigious men of the era, including Thomas Paine and Benjamin Franklin and was invited to attend the clandestine Continental Congress meetings. Unfortunately at the conventions Cornhole accomplished little because he was an alcoholic and thus was usually drunk, inebriated. Many delegates complained of his snoring and he was almost thrown out on several occasions. To this day, there are doorposts in Philadelphia that bear testament to the rigors of his resistance to out-throwing, known at that time as "Cornholing". To be Cornholed was, at that time an inestimable honor, bestowed on those who resisted most rigorously the violation of their due rights to the integrity of their orifices. On the engraving of the signing of the Declaration of Independence and on the reverse of the $2 bill, his shoe can barely be made out as he is passed out under the second table from the left after felching Thomas Paine.

Later Life[edit | edit source]

Even Joe Six Pack has embraced Cornhole.

During the presidency of George Washington (1789-1797), Robert Cornhole was the Secretary of Homeland Security and was extremely efficient. After creating a border guard to keep the hordes of French Canadians from illegally arriving into America, he implemented several safety laws still in effect today, such as strapping the oxygen mask around your face before helping infants around you. He also outlawed vegetable cruelty, an overall unpopular law which eventually forced him to resign from politics altogether.

During the presidency of John Adams (1797-1801), little is known about Cornhole. Recent evidence suggests he lived in Atlanta, Georgia where his alcoholism became severe and he became a flamboyant homosexual. This evidence has been challenged by prominent cornholist Sean Hannity, who reports that the real Robert Cornhole was on the frontier "bringing Indians to Christ" and challenging their "heathen chiefs to duels". Hannity insists that the Cornhole in Atlanta who was "being the gay Cornhole" was really the real Cornhole's twin brother, Theresa. "Founding fathers don't go gay," Hannity argues. "Not even for pay."

During the presidency of Thomas Jefferson, Cornhole was reported to sleep on the lawn outside of the White House. He also became the first person to work on people's teeth and coined the term "dentist," which is derived from the Icelandic phrase "Denhrikle tiste jak," literally meaning "one who enjoys causing much pain in mouth of victim."

Personal Life[edit | edit source]

Robert Cornhole never married, but he had tons of lays. After becoming a flamboyant homosexual, he experimented with ethics, ethnics, politicians, pelicans, boyscouts and outright manwhores. His true love was Thomas Priestly, who was too busy staring at Franklin to ever notice Cornhole. Cornhole lapsed into depression and even more alcoholism and was known to "spontaneously burst into flames and perform complex tap dances in front of the White House. Towards the end of his scuff-shuffle-ball-drop routine he would drop onto all fours and pretend to be an American hippopotamus."

He never got over Priestly, but bitterly commented once, "His teeth are all jacked up anyway."

Cornhole never gave up his raging homosexual ways and secretly battled STDs like The Clap, The Clash, The Cure and Hootie and the Blowfish.

Death[edit | edit source]

Cornhole died on September 20, 1812 from injuries sustained from a misstep off his mistress, who he mistook for his horse. Prior to his death, Cornhole had reoccurring visions about his own death. He confided in a good friend that he had a vision of burning up in the atmosphere in a fiery rear-entry and that he had another vision where he was mauled to death by what he considered to be the greatest threat to humanity, a bear. His epitaph, which he wrote when he was 22, simply states, "Here I am, you filthy bastards, come get me!"

Robert Cornhole was buried in the National Cemetery of Guam and his grave is marked by a simple cross with a pair of dentures, honoring his great contribution to humanity. Although until recently he had been a relatively unknown founding father, due to the research by Stephen Colbert, DFA, he has become a nationally recognized hero and his grave is becoming a redundant tourist attraction, attracting around 400,000 attractive attractants a year.

Cornhole's Legacy[edit | edit source]

There is currently a bill in the United States Congress to make Cornhole a national hero and make his tomb a national monument. There also currently exists a movement to place him on the 7 dollar bill.

Aside from his instrumental role in the history of America's teeth, Robert Cornhole also inspired a truth enterprise which has come down to us under the name of cornholism. Those engaged in cornholism call themselves cornholists. Noteable cornholists include Joseph Smith, Sean Hannity, Glenn Beck, Pat Robertson and Stephen Colbert.

See Also:[edit | edit source]

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