Stephen's Sound Advice
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the Greatest American Television Show--EVER!!!, The Colbert Report.
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Stephen's Sound AdviceEdit

On Reducing Fuel CostsEdit

Gas prices are at record highs, so what can you do?

  • Public Transportation. Get friends and family to use it so the roads are clear for you. If you do get caught in traffic, use the shoulder. That's why it's there.
  • No Air Conditioner. Instead, put the top down on your convertible.
  • Find Gas Stations With Cheap Gas. Natrona County, Wyoming has quite a few.
  • Carpool. Get a group of friends together and buy a car carrier.
  • Avoid Alternative Fuels. Pouring creamed corn in your tank doesn't work.
  • Buy Oil Company Stock. Filling up your tank is like paying yourself. Why not buy a Hummer with your profits.
  • Pray.

On Avoiding WildfiresEdit

Wildfires are a summer tradition, not unlike the Northern Lights, only in the Southwest and on the ground.

  • Stop wildfires before they start: Eliminate the fuel source by cutting down trees. This also eliminates pests, like termites, woodpeckers and druids.
  • 9 of 10 fires are started by people, so stay away from people.
  • Stay away from wildfire danger zones by moving to green areas on the map.

On Avoiding FloodsEdit

  • If you're moving to avoid wildfires, make sure you don't move to a flood zone.

For Surviving The Winter BluesEdit

According to the American Academy of Family Physicians, half a million people are affected by S.A.D. - Seasonal Affective Disorder. Here's Stephen's advice to turn that frown upside down:

  • Participate in winter sports like cross country skiing. It's all the excitement of walking in deep snow, but with expensive equipment!
  • Remind yourself that God created snow to break our fall when we pitch ourselves off the roof at the thought of facing the endless dreary grey deathscape of midwinter.
  • Boost your serotonin levels with the simulated sunlight of light box therapy.
  • Take a trip - Stephen likes to visit his villa in Cabo San Cabo, but if you don't have a villa and are looking for warm weather - why not go to Iraq? Meals and entertainment are comped! And remember, P.T.S.D. cancels out S.A.D.
  • Wait a few years - Global Warming will wash that depression away!

Avoiding Humiliation On The Campaign TrailEdit

  • Appearance Matters: STOP SWEATING. Have your glands surgically removed on roll on Ban Roll-On all over your body.
  • Grooming Counts: Neck beards make you unelectable, unless you're John Edwards
  • Dress For Success: Don't wear tanks, like George Dukakis did.
  • Disclose Drug Use: Admit to your indiscretions in college, or your current elected office - in fact, try embellishing it.

How To Win A Contested ConventionEdit


Special Edition: Karl's Stephen's Sound Advice

  • control the convention mechanism
    • When you control the rules, you almost never lose
  • watch the platform
    • make compromises
  • have a strategy to win
  • focus on staging
    • make the spectal personal
  • stick to your guns

How To Find A Summer JobEdit


    • Check The Classifieds
    • make your own ad
    • Always Appear Professional
      • Stephen was also a lifeguard
      • dress for the job you want
      • resume too
        • Imitation is the sincerest form of identity theft
  • Lower expectations
  • Try An Internship
  • No such thing as a bad job...

See AlsoEdit

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