Stephen Colbert's Fallback Position
is a featured segment of
the Greatest American Television Show--EVER!!!, The Colbert Report.

A segment where Stephen explains alternative jobs he would hold if his TV gig doesn't last.


  • February 13, 2008

Friend of the show, Neil deGrasse Tyson, of the Hayden Planetarium explains everything Stephen needs to know to be an astrophysicist.

  • Meteorites look like English Muffins
  • licking a meteor might be the oldest thing Stephen's tongue has touched (behind Jane Fonda)
  • no air in space, but there is a museum about it
  • Tom Hanks sounds like Maya Angelou while explaining everything
  • all of human history, including this moment right now, is in the one human hair at the Hayden Planetarium. Did that just blow your mind?


Part 1Edit

  • November 6, 2008

  • doesn't normally wear a tuxedo
  • promises not to yell during the whole interview
  • was 25 in clandestine service
  • never killed anyone, but couldn't really tell anyone
    • may have been 7
  • never seduced a woman spy on a mission
  • no seduction, cold-blooded humping
  • intelligence medal of merit
    • no longer undercover
  • won't sell his medal to Stephen
  • difference between spy and magician
    • engage in deception, illusion
  • was thinking of the 4 of clubs
  • adopted a whole new identity
  • was born in Scotland
  • next week Dr. Colbert will learn what sacrifices are needed to become a spy
    • things may or may not go up your butt!

Part 2Edit


  1. assume nothing
  2. be prepared to take risks
  3. need to carry out a covert mission
  • a camera tie
    • to hide the ugly tie and take pictures of other ugly ties
  • rectal tool kit
    • can be found by anyone not looking in the spy's butt
  • Vietnamese used tunnel
    • similar to ant farms
  • concealment device
    • looks like a dictionary fits in one's butt
  • second-hand smoke delivery device
  • rectal concealment device for cyanide capsule
    • more rectal activity than imagined
    • n o other place to hide things
  • fly button compass
    • to find one's fly
  • a tool to remove rectal devices
  • Dr. Colbert demonstrated he could successfully remove Peter Ernest's medal from the museum
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